Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 6 - Mixed Doubles - full transcript

FRASIER:
Oh, my God. Breathtaking.

Well, don't be greedy.
Your turn was over 40 seconds ago.

All right, all right, Niles.
There it is. It's the penthouse unit.

- Second window from the right.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh, mama.

You two know that what
you're doing isn't right, don't you?

We're simply admiring a rare Brancusi
armchair, not a naked woman.

That's what I'm talking about.

- Oh, hi, Daph.
- Hello, Daphne.

- You're home kind of early, aren't you?
DAPHNE: A bit.

- Something sort of happened.
- Oh, yeah? What?



Well, Joe and I were having dinner.

Everything was nice as could be,
and I said, "Don't you like your potato?"

And he said, "No, I'm not
hungry for potato just now."

I said, "If you don't like your potato,
you're welcome to try my potato."

Daphne, could we hasten to the
post-potato portion of the dialogue?

Well, that's when he said it.

He said we'd been on again,
off again for too long

without making anything permanent.

So maybe it was best
if we just broke up.

Oh, gosh. I'm sorry.

MARTIN:
You're sure taking it well.

Boy, if you'd have told me that Joe
would end up dumping you...

[CRYING]
Oh, God, he dumped me!

- Somebody comfort her.
- Right.



Oh, this is so embarrassing.

FRASIER: Oh, no, no.
Never mind about that.

Expressing our feelings
is always beneficial.

Even if it does come
at the expense of our pride.

And a very expensive
brand new Italian silk jacket.

I don't seem to be doing much good.
Why don't you give it a try?

Now, Daphne.

That's all right. You're better off
without him. That guy was a bum.

He was the best thing in my life.

Then maybe you two just weren't
meant for each other, you know.

You're a champagne-and-caviar sort
of gal. He's a meat-and-potatoes guy.

[CRYING]
Potatoes.

- I'm messing up too.
- I've got it, Dad. Here.

[DOORBELL DINGS]
I'll get it.

- Hey, Daphne.
- Roz.

Oh, my God. You got dumped.
Ahhh.

- Did you make her answer the door?
- It's what she does.

Oh, it's all right. Come on.

- I'm sorry about this.
- It's all right.

I guess I'm still at the point where
I can't hear his name without crying.

Did you hear that everyone?
No one mentions the name "Joe."

[CRYING]

[INAUDIBLE SPEAKING]

- Brandy, Niles?
- Yes, thank you.

- Frasier?
- Mm-hmm.

I think I've just made
an important decision.

I'm going to tell Daphne
how I feel about her.

- What?
- I'm gonna tell her tonight.

- You're serious?
- I am dead serious.

Maris and I are nowhere
near reconciling.

I know this is the right decision

because I'm completely calm
about it. Look.

- Perhaps I'll take that brandy.
- Yes, all right.

Niles, before you do something
this rash,

perhaps you should consider it
from all angles.

I've spent three years considering
Daphne from all angles.

I'm just not sure this is the right timing.

If you're trying to rattle me,
it's not going to work.

I've been rehearsing for months.
Daphne,

there's something I need
to talk to you about. It's a matter of...

Daphne,

for a long time now, l...
You and l... We...

Exactly how's the brandy
getting here, by St Bernard?

Niles, I just think you should
consider Daphne's state of mind.

I mean, she's still reeling
from her break-up with Joe.

Listen, why don't you just
give it one more day?

- A day?
- It's just a day. Just one day, please.

I mean, you've waited this long.
Another day won't make a difference.

All right.

Now Daphne, if the jewelry wasn't
that good and the sex wasn't that good,

what have you really lost here?

Dr Roz weighs in with the
Gabor approach to therapy.

What were the Sonics
thinking last night?

If you're two for 15 behind the arc,
why do you give it to your two guard

instead of jamming it down
to your big man in the paint?

Eddie, I believe that question
was directed at you.

You know, if you took
an interest in sports,

I bet you'd end up enjoying it.
It's got drama, it's got graceful stuff.

Thank you, Dad, but I'm quite satisfied
with the likes of Pavarotti's Pagliacci.

You have your big man in the paint.
I have mine.

[DOORBELL DINGS]

- Niles.
- Frasier.

Either your boutonniere's
way over the top,

or you're here to execute
last night's plan.

Look, I know I don't have
your total support in this,

- but how shall I put this?
- You don't care?

If you could work the phrase
"rat's ass" into there, you'd have it.

The fact is, I'm tired of being lonely,

and it makes no sense going on
being lonely

when the woman I long for
is unattached.

Yes, well, as I said the time
you tried to jump out of the tree house

with an umbrella, "I suppose
you know what you're doing."

- Hey, Niles.
- Hey, Dad.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.
Oh, just a second, please.

- Dad, is Daphne in her room?
- Gee, I don't know.

[YELLING]
Daphne! Hey, Daph! Daphne!

For God's sake, I can yell!

Would you hold, please?

Been waiting 30 years to do that.

You're probably wondering
what I'm doing with these flowers.

- Now that you mention it.
- Well, I'll tell you.

They're for Daphne.

I'm going to tell her how I feel about her.

- That's great, Niles.
- That's great?

- Well, yeah.
- You're single now. She's single.

What's the problem?

[LAUGHING]

- That's so funny.
- What is?

That's just not
the reaction I expected.

I thought you'd say something
more Dad-like, like...

- You're out of your mind?
- Exactly.

She's never gonna go for it
in a million years.

Stop it. Stop it.

Some day you'll look back
on this as the stupidest...

I said stop it, Dad.

- Morning, Dr Crane.
- Hello, Daphne.

Oh, don't you look nice.

Hello?

Yes, Rodney.
Well, I'm so glad you called.

Well, yes, I enjoyed meeting you too.

DAPHNE:
Uh-huh.

DAPHNE: Well, that would be lovely.
I'll see you around 4 then. Bye.

- Rodney?
DAPHNE: Yes. You won't believe this.

Last night, Roz insisted on taking me
to this bar she calls the Sure Thing.

How flattering.
They've named a bar after her.

Well, she said whenever she
takes a friend there,

they always end up meeting someone.

Well, I wasn't there ten minutes
when she spun my barstool around

and I was face-to-face
with this nice-looking man.

- Rodney?
- Right.

DAPHNE: I suppose it's a bit soon
for me to be seeing anyone else,

but if I wait, he might not be
available when I'm ready.

Timing is everything.

I can't wait to tell Roz.

"Give it a day, Niles."
I believe that was your brilliant advice.

I'm sorry, Niles. I really am.
I don't know what to say.

Too bad you didn't have
that problem last night.

Look, don't let it get you down.

I'm not going to.
I still have a fallback position.

I'm going to call Roz and have
her take me to that bar tonight.

Niles, really. A singles' bar?

Please, you're not thinking clearly.
It's not exactly your arena, is it?

Listen, why don't you just
give it a day and think it...

Here, let me dial that for you.

[BAR CHATTER]

Well, I'm here.

I forgot to gargle, I'm wearing
mismatched socks

and I'm so nervous
I could wet myself.

Well, at least we have
your opening line down.

You're going to have to be patient
with me. This isn't exactly my milieu.

Okay, let's make that
lesson number one.

If you're going to use words like milieu,

you might as well show up here with
a sore on your lip and a couple of kids.

- Point well taken.
- Will you sit down and relax?

You're gonna be fine. Just a few
little rules you need to know.

First, when you introduce yourself,
be as casual as possible.

Second, you cannot say enough
nice things about her hair.

I know that sounds shallow,
but it really works.

And third, hang on her every word.

Be fascinated.

Now go.

- What do you mean, go?
- It's time.

I'm not ready.

I've thrown a lot of babies in the water,
and they've all come up swimming.

- Now go.
- No, no, I couldn't possibly, not yet.

- I have... Hello.
- Hello.

Hope I'm not bothering you.

- No, not at all. I'm Adelle.
- Niles.

So, Adelle,

- is that one L or two?
- Two.

Really?

- You're wasting your time.
- No, I'm not.

You're not gonna win.

It's time he learned what it's like
to be stared at all the time.

Bring it on, buster. You got nothing.

You can't touch me. I'm...
Oh!

It's like his eye turned into a sorcerer's
pinwheels and started spinning.

[DOORBELL DINGS]

Just shake hands
and say "Good fight."

- Hey, Dad.
- How you doing? Come on in.

Dad, this is Adelle Childs,
my father, Martin.

- Nice to meet you.
- My brother, Frasier.

- It's so nice to finally meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

- You all right? Your eyes look funny.
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Oh, listen, here are your tickets.
- Thank you.

Say, have you got time
for a coffee before you go?

- That'd be nice.
- Splendid.

It gives me a chance to debut
my Limoges coffee set...

A series of six unique cups.

Each one representing
a different wife of Henry Vlll.

My antique dealer just found an
Anne of Cleves to complete the set.

He loves to rub it in.

I'm still looking for Wilma
to complete my juice glass set.

I'll lend you a hand. Excuse me.

- So, what do you think?
- She seems very nice.

She's fabulous.

It's know it's only been three dates,

but I feel as though
I've been rescued.

I no longer worry about
becoming one of those pitiful losers

embittered by a failed marriage,
leading a lonely, pathetic life

of fulfilment and good times.

Shouldn't you make a beeping
noise when you back up like that?

- Coffee will be ready in a moment.
- What were you two whispering about?

[DOORBELL DINGS]
Nothing.

Just how whenever you think
you have your life figured out,

something unexpected happens.

Sorry. Forgot my keys.
Hello, all.

Oh, everyone, this is Rodney Banks.
NILES: Oh.

Hello.

- Dr Niles Crane.
- How do you do?

The pleasure is mine.

- Flu season.
- Can't be too careful.

Oh, this is Dr Frasier Crane
and his father, Martin.

- Good to see you. Welcome.
- Hi, how are you?

This is Adelle Childs.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Well, we've just had the most
wonderful day at the marina.

- Oh, you got a boat?
- Actually, no.

I have an inner ear curvature that
makes me prone to motion sickness.

But there's a charming bistro there
that serves the most...

[RINGING]

- It's not me.
- Not me.

Hello.
Oh, I can't talk now, Duke.

I'm in the Twilight Zone.

Would you like a coffee?

- Oh, yes, that would be lovely.
- I'll give you a hand, Frasier.

BOTH:
What the hell was that?

I think we should put a little red mark
on the real Niles

so we can tell them apart.

Niles must be going nuts.

- Can I lend you a hand?
- Oh, no, that's fine, Niles.

Oh, but wait, wait a minute.
So, what do you think of Rodney?

Bit of a pretentious fop,
wouldn't you say?

- He doesn't remind you of anyone?
- Remind me of anyone?

So sorry, but about my coffee.

I neglected to mention
that I like my milk steamed.

But just a dollop of foam,
such as might give the effect

of a cumulus cloud
reflected in a still pond.

Consider it done.

I want to kill myself.

Come on, Niles, it's funny.

No, it's not remotely funny.

Frasier talked me out of approaching
Daphne the night she fell for that man.

You can't possibly be mad at me.

No, no, Frasier, I'm grateful.
Come here.

- Let me show you how grateful I am.
- Niles, calm down.

- Isn't Rodney just great?
- Oh, yeah, nice guy.

I think it was the moment I broke up
with Joe when I heard a voice say,

"Daphne, it's time you went
for a completely new type of man."

- You're a dead man.
- I'll serve our guests their coffee.

Here we are. Coffee.

Milk's on its way.
Niles is still steaming.

- Sugar?
- Nothing on earth smells

quite so heavenly as
a freshly brewed cup of coffee.

Well, perhaps one thing does.

Oh, stop that.

He loves to smell my hair.

[DISH BREAKS]

- Anne Boleyn?
- Catherine of Aragon.

[CHATTER]

Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles.

You don't take my calls,
you ignore me.

For God's sake, it's the behaviour
of a pouting adolescent.

Are you quite finished now?

You put gum on my chair, didn't you?

Yep.

Niles, listen.

I am terribly sorry
if I steered you wrong.

But just think about it, you know.

You do have a wonderful new
woman in your life now, don't you?

Yes, I suppose I do.

And Adelle does make you
very happy, doesn't she?

Yes. Yes, she does.

Well, then if you've ever taken
any of my advice before, take this.

Adelle could very well be
the path to your happiness.

But let's just say I'm wrong.

But you're not wrong. Adelle
is a wonderful, affectionate woman.

She's clearly drawn
to a man of my type.

Just thinking about her lifts my spirits.
Frasier, thank you.

Niles, look.

I don't believe it.

The betrayal.

- No one treats Daphne like that!
- Niles.

Whatever you do, do not engage
him in a physical fight.

The whole thing
would just look too weird.

Hello, Adelle.

- Oh, no.
- I know this may look

a tad incriminating, but the...

Oh, spare me,
you ludicrous popinjay.

I know exactly what's going on.
I saw the whole thing from my table.

I was gonna call you.
You see, Rodney and I...

- I'm sorry.
- So am I, Adelle.

But I'm mostly sorry for Daphne.

How do you intend
to handle that small matter?

I was planning on telling her
this evening at Granville's.

We're meeting for drinks.

Granville's.

Why don't you do her a favour?
Let me tell her.

- Might be better coming from a friend.
- Yes, perhaps you're right.

Please tell her that I'm sorry.

Sometimes when a man meets the
woman that he's meant to be with,

there's nothing he can do to resist it.

I hope Daphne understands that.

I hope she understands it too.

Rodney.

Adelle.

You know, there's just one thing
I'd think I'd like to ask you, Rodney.

Do you have an older brother?

As a matter of fact, I do. He's always
been the pride of the family.

Handsome, successful, brilliant.

I've always been rather jealous of him.

Spooky.

[LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING]

- Evening, Daphne.
- Hello, Dr Crane.

You don't seem surprised to see me.

I was running late so I called
Rodney on his cell phone.

- He told me everything.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for you too.

- Join me in a little sorrow-drowning?
- I believe I will.

One more of these, please.

Thank you.

Well, you know,
I can't really blame Adelle.

Rodney's that sort of man
that women seem to go for.

Yes, he is.

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.
- No, you didn't.

I guess I'm just more in the mood

to hear about his
negative qualities right now.

Oh, well, he's kind of a know-it-all.
A bit fussy.

Has to have everything just so.
He's nuts about cleanliness.

Then there's his clothes,
his precious shoes.

I don't like this road we're on.

I mean, wouldn't it be better
if we discussed what's in our future?

I suppose.

I'll tell you one thing,
after the run I've had lately,

I pity the next man I date.
I'll probably rip him to shreds.

What about the man after that?

Men can be such an unfeeling lot.
Look at Rodney.

The minute he heard I'd broken up
with someone, he moved in for the kill.

Is that how all men are?

No, not all men.

No, of course they aren't.
You're not.

You're kind, sensitive.

If you ask me, you were
too good for that Adelle.

Thank you, Daphne.

You know, the truth is, my heart
was never really in that relationship.

I thought it might not be.

There was someone else
who was too much on my mind.

I had a feeling, Dr Crane.

- You did?
- Yes.

As long as you still have
feelings for your wife,

you know you can't be involved
with anyone else.

And it makes sense to me.

Why, I know I'd never get involved
with a man who was separated.

Even if he'd worshipped you
from the day he laid eyes on you?

And don't think that's
not just how they put it too.

No, I think I need to do a bit of
separating myself. From Joe, I mean.

Yes, I'll wait a good long time
before I do any more dating.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Yeah. You know, it's funny
when you think about it.

The two of us both coming
to this same singles' bar this week.

You know, this was the very stool
I was on when I met Rodney.

I was sitting here when I met Adelle.

- What?
- Oh, I was just thinking.

If it had been a different time in both
our lives, we might actually have met.

Oh, how do you suppose
that would have gone?

- What, our conversation?
- Yes. Go on, just for fun.

We could both use a smile.

Well, I would've said,
"Is this seat taken?"

And you would've said no.

And you would've said,
"My name is Daphne."

And I would've said,
"My name is Niles."

And then I would've said,

"What are you doing
for the rest of your life?"

You always know
just the right thing to say.

Oh, I love you, Dr Crane.

I love you too, Daphne.