Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 5 - Head Game - full transcript
Frasier takes a leave of absence, and Niles fills in on his show for a week. Giving some brief advice to one of Bulldog's guests, a basketball player, Niles turns his game around. Niles is elated to be the center of attention from fans, and from Martin. He later realizes that the player's improvement has less to do with Niles's advice than a belief that ruffling his hair brings good luck.
So I decided it was time I got to know
some of my colleagues in the media.
- But a convention?
- Mm.
You've never shown
any interest before.
They've never held one
in Aspen before.
Just think, hundreds of radio
psychiatrists, all in the same location.
One well-timed avalanche
and the dignity of the entire psychiatric
profession could be restored.
Oh, good one.
I can always count on you
for some witty retort.
I insult you,
and you compliment me.
Could the request for a favor
be far behind?
Damn. You are perceptive.
- Oh, stop it.
- Oh, all right.
Listen, Niles, I'd like you to do
my show for me for the week I'm gone.
Me standing in for you?
I'm sorry, Frasier,
I couldn't presume to fill
those big, floppy red shoes of yours.
Please, please, Niles.
Look, I'm begging you.
The station wants to replace me
with Helen Grogan,
better known as Ma Nature.
She does a gardening show,
and I'm just a little worried that a week
of discussing well-rotted manure
will weaken my listener base.
It hasn't yet.
Very well.
You leave me no alternative
but to call in my marker.
What marker?
Oh, I think you know.
- You wouldn't.
- I would.
- You can't.
- I will.
That was three years ago.
I don't recall there being
any statute of limitations.
I distinctly recall that when you asked
me to go out with Maris' sister,
you said that you would
owe me one forever.
But you only spent one evening
with Brie.
That hardly compares to what
you're asking me to endure.
Shall I refresh your memory?
Midway through the opera,
her ermine muff began to tremble.
As it turned out, she had used it
to smuggle in
her adorably incontinent chihuahua.
Just as I thought we'd reached
the low point of the evening,
I suddenly felt a sandpaper tongue
licking my earlobe.
Alas, it did not belong to little Herv?.
Fortunately, my shriek coincided
with the onstage murder of Gondalfo.
Roz will expect you on Monday at 2.
For your information, Brie had
a very tough row to hoe growing up.
It's not easy going through life
with only one nostril.
Did I mention
she had a cold that night?
Monday at 2 it is.
We're at the point where all
communication has broken down.
- He won't even listen to me.
- Linda.
Do you how annoying that is,
not to be listened to?
- Linda.
- It's driving me crazy.
I was hoping maybe
you would speak to him directly.
Excuse me one moment.
Thank you for the brilliant job of
call-screening. How do I get out of this?
Did you think of saying there are
other callers on the line?
Linda, I'd love to go into this
in more depth,
but, unfortunately,
we're nearly out of time
and Roz has lots of other callers
waiting anxiously on the line.
Actually, Dr. Crane,
all our lines are open.
So you can talk to him? Good.
I'm putting him on the line
right now.
- Go ahead.
- All right.
Murray, you're dealing
with your problem
in a very self-destructive manner.
It won't be solved by refusing to eat.
Do you hear me?
Oh, my God, it's working.
He's eating.
Dr. Crane, what did you say to him?
Well, I'd like to tell you, but that would
violate doctor-cat confidentiality.
Oh, well, Seattle,
I'm afraid we're out of time.
This is Dr. Niles Crane, one down,
four to go. See you tomorrow.
That little bit of sabotage
was not amusing.
Then why did coffee
come out of my nose?
Hey, Dr. Dolittle,
I heard your show.
- It didn't suck.
- "Dear diary..."
So how's it feel?
Like I'm walking away
from my lamppost
and counting the bills
in my garter belt.
Okay, both of you get out of here.
I gotta set up for my show.
I got Reggie MacLemore
on my show today. Don't ask me why.
- I wasn't even going to ask who.
- He's a guard for the Sonics.
He used to be unstoppable.
Twenty points a game, easy.
Now he's in the tank.
Just what I need on my show,
a loser.
Oh, look, there he is now.
What an overpaid, worthless
piece of...
- Hey, Reggie, my man!
- What's up? How you doing, man?
You never call me unless you need
tickets, man. What's up with that?
I love this guy.
Reggie MacLemore, Roz Doyle.
- Hi. I'm a big fan of yours.
- Thanks.
I'd introduce you to this guy, but
he doesn't know squat about sports.
On the contrary. In prep school,
I was an ardent sportsman.
Until an inflamed instep forced me
to resign from the croquet club.
I'll see myself out.
Oh, hey, wait a minute.
You're the shrink.
I heard you in my car
on the way over.
Dr. Niles Crane. It's a pleasure.
Doc, wait. You sounded like you
really know what you're talking about.
Anyway, there's this sort of problem
I've been having,
and I was wondering...
Maybe you could help me out.
Well, what is it?
Well, you see,
for the last two weeks,
every time I get my hands
on the pill, I choke.
Well, have you tried mashing it
with a spoon?
You don't watch much basketball,
do you?
It's my game, man.
Because of me, we've lost six in a row.
Oh, well, I'm not very well versed
in sports psychology,
but I could certainly schedule
a session.
No, no, I need something fast, man.
We got Phoenix tonight.
This is highly irregular,
but since you're pressed,
there are exercises I could suggest.
Oh, great, man. Thanks, man.
You know what, just name it.
Tickets to any game you want.
Nothing wrong with your sense
of humor. Have a seat.
We'll start with a positive visualization.
I want you to close your eyes,
take a deep breath.
Good. Now, I want you to imagine
yourself on the playing surface,
doing whatever it is you actually do.
Tell me what you see.
- Okay. Kemp's passing me the ball.
- Mm-hm.
- I'm bringing it up court.
- Mm-hm.
- I'm dribbling.
- Don't worry about your appearance.
Start again, and I'll just be quiet.
- Can I ask you a favor?
- Yeah, forget it, he's married.
Hey, that's pretty offensive.
Why do you assume
that's what I wanted?
Okay, then, what did you want?
Well, I don't know, I just wanted to--
Time's up.
Oh, by the way, if you're so hungry
for some good-looking, athletic guy,
why won't you go out with me?
If you're not at least this tall,
you can't go on this ride.
This next exercise is designed
to block negative feelings.
I've tried it myself.
Simply take a moment,
think of something comforting
from childhood:
A stuffed animal,
a dog-eared copy of Middlemarch.
You may have other memories.
Come on, Reggie, shake it.
I gotta run. Hey, but thanks
a lot, doc. I'll give it a try.
Okay. Oh, wait, I saw this.
It has steps, right?
Later, man.
- You know, according to this article--
- No, quiet.
That's three seconds. Come on,
he's camping out in the middle.
No, don't double the ball.
They'll just swing it around for a three.
There it is. Just like I said.
Oh!
Oh, timeout.
Sure, now you listen to me.
You believe this? Two minutes ago,
we were up six points--
Shh! Quiet. This is my
favorite commercial.
No, don't pick that floor cleaner.
It'll give your floors waxy build-up.
No, don't do it. Don't do it!
Dahh!
It's completely different.
There's Dr. Crane.
It'll be a pleasure to be around one
man who's not obsessed with sports.
- Hello, Daphne.
- Hello.
Oh, the Sonics are on, excuse me.
- So, Dad--
- Hold it, Niles.
There's only nine seconds to go.
- What's the score?
- What do you care?
No, get it to MacLemore,
to MacLemore.
He's got the hot hand.
Yes! Come on, Reggie!
Unbelievable. Sonics win!
- This is fantastic. You know, Dad--
- Wait, wait. I wanna see the replay.
No, get it to MacLemore.
Unbelievable!
- You might be interested to know--
- Quiet, I wanna see the interview.
Reggie, got a minute?
Great game tonight.
Seems like your slump is over.
Yeah, I was really feeling it
out there tonight.
What turned it around for you?
Well, I was having a little problem
getting my head together,
but this radio shrink really
helped me out. Dr. Niles Crane.
- Well, good luck against Utah.
- Thanks a lot.
Let's send it back upstairs.
You?
- Is that so hard to believe?
- Yeah.
- When did you talk to him?
- He was on Bulldog's show today.
We had a brief session in the hallway.
Not more than two minutes.
You turned Reggie's game around
in only two minutes?
Well, you could be
a little less surprised.
I am a skilled psychiatrist.
After 16 years in the field,
I have developed certain instincts.
I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm starting to think maybe
I should spend an hour or two
on the couch with you.
Are you kidding?
With Niles, it'd only take two minutes.
Thanks, Dad.
Hey, doc, great job. Go Sonics.
- You're the man.
- Thank you. Same to you.
Way to go.
Heavens, I need a clip and a buff.
There he is, the toast of Seattle.
You know you made the sports section
of the paper this morning?
Yes, I'd heard. I must admit,
I find this all a bit mystifying.
Do people really care this much
about a basketball game?
Are you kidding? This is Seattle.
It rains nine months out of the year.
We take our indoor sports
very seriously.
Well, I know you always have.
You're a hero today,
so I'm gonna let that one go.
Pucker up, baby,
I'm planting a big, wet one on you.
Muah!
Well, there's a layer of skin
I'll be exfoliating this evening.
- I had 200 bucks on the Sonics.
- Two hundred? Isn't gambling illegal?
- Isn't he the cutest?
- Oh, yes.
- Down. Down.
- Okay.
I hope you don't feel this way
about chicks.
I got one of those Sonics cheerleaders
coming on my show today,
and she really wants to see you.
Believe it or not, Bulldog,
not every man's dream woman
is a pompom-shaking,
half-time halfwit.
Is she the head cheerleader?
Yeah, and she's coming in costume.
Of course she is. It's radio.
Look at these faxes
that came for you.
Faxes?
"Seattle thanks you."
"You're the Sonics' MVP."
- Most valuable player.
- Oh!
"You're a genius."
With the less-common J spelling.
But still, his point is well taken.
I bet you're feeling pretty good
about yourself.
Suddenly I'm being revered as a god
by the same troglodytes
who in junior high school tried to
pack me into my own briefcase.
It's glorious.
Oh, I almost forgot the best part.
Reggie sent these tickets
for tonight's game over.
Well, I suppose I can't disappoint
my new fans.
Tell me, does one still wear
a white sweater
jauntily tied around the neck
to these things?
If one wants to get the crap
beat out of one.
- Hey.
- Dad. What a surprise.
I'm not interrupting or anything, am I?
- No, come in. Is everything all right?
- Oh, sure, sure.
I was just having lunch at McGinty's,
and some of the guys would
really like to meet you,
and I was hoping that after your show,
you could stop in for a drink.
I mean, I wouldn't ask you, but some
of these guys are my best buddies.
Actually, Dad, Reggie sent over
these tickets to tonight's game,
and I was going to ask you to go,
but since--
The hell with those guys. I'm there.
I have to tell you, I'm finding
all this attention a bit overwhelming.
Oh, come on, you deserve it.
You're a hero.
Perhaps it's time
we put all this into perspective.
The only real heroes are
the fine athletes
who worked so hard
for two hours to win that game.
My contribution was minimal at best.
What did I tell you, doc?
Which of you won the game
for us last night?
That would be me.
Nice talking to you too.
Enjoy the game.
Dad, it really isn't necessary to tell
everyone we bump into
that I'm the one
Reggie credited with last night's victory.
- That was you?
- Yeah, yeah, it's my son, Niles Crane.
They must've sold too many tickets.
They've stuck us
in these folding chairs.
Wow, we're right on the hardwood,
five feet from the baseline.
- Like front-row orchestra, stage right.
- Oh.
Oh, man, we're so close we're gonna
hear teeth rattle when they set a pick.
It's like sitting close enough
to get hit by Placido Domingo's spit.
Oh.
- Hey, hey, N.C., you made it.
- I beg your pardon?
Oh, "N.C." I thought you said "nancy."
For a second it was prep school
all over again. Let me introduce.
Reggie MacLemore, Daphne Moon.
- Hello.
- And this--
Hi. Marty Crane. Niles' dad.
Yeah, I'm a big fan.
I want you to know,
I never lost faith in you.
Not when you were in your slump,
not when you tanked it in the playoffs,
not even when all my friends
were calling you Reggie Hack-Lemore.
What?
You know, this might be
a good time
to try that negative-thought-blocking
exercise.
Yeah, okay. Look, you guys enjoy
the game. I'll see you afterwards.
- All right. Make me proud.
- Go Sonics.
- What the hell was that?
- That's the end of the shootaround.
The coach is about to send
the starting five in for the tip-off.
- The stage manager just called places.
- Oh.
Foul on the rebound, MacLemore.
I gather Reggie's not performing
up to par this evening.
Oh, you got that from
all the booing, huh?
Nice counseling job.
He's been throwing up bricks all night.
Judging from that empty tureen
of nachos and cheese,
you may be joining him.
Malone to the line to shoot two.
Doc, you gotta help me out.
I don't know what's wrong.
Perhaps you've forgotten my advice.
Let's review quickly.
Did you empty your mind
of negative thoughts?
- Yeah.
- The imaging exercises?
Yeah, yeah, I did them.
What else did you tell me to do?
Nothing. Bulldog called you,
you ran back in.
No, no, wait. Now, right before that,
I rubbed your head.
I remember because my hand
smelled like peach
and I thought, "What the hell
does this guy wash his hair with?"
Well, you can't possibly think that
my head is some sort of lucky charm.
Well, we'll know in a minute.
I saw you talking to Reggie again.
Hope you gave him some more advice.
I tried to, but he has
this absurd idea--
No, wait, wait, wait.
MacLemore for three.
Unbelievable.
What did you say to him?
I didn't say anything
he could possibly--
Look, look, look, he stole the ball.
MacLemore, three more.
Oh, Dr. Crane,
you're a miracle worker.
What did you say to him?
Oh, just something off the top
of my head.
Timeout, Utah.
Oh, isn't this nice.
Dr. Crane sent us a postcard
from Aspen.
Great. How's he doing?
Let's see.
"I delivered a speech
at the conference last night.
I was especially pleased
with my opening line:
'My fellow psychiatrists. As I watched
you on the slopes today,
I realized I've never seen
so many Freudians slip.'
As hard as you're laughing now,
imagine the thunder
of an auditorium of colleagues.
Well, see you Saturday. Frasier."
Well, I better get going.
I'm meeting Joe at the movies.
Oh, bloody hell,
it's later than I thought.
- Enjoy.
- Yeah. Enjoy your game.
Oh, Dr. Crane,
have fun at the game.
- I'm afraid we won't be going.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Do you wanna know why?
- Not really.
VIP parking. Uh-huh.
Yeah, that's courtside, pal.
Yeah, right on the hardwood.
Yeah, swear to God.
And Reggie said the seats are ours
for the rest of the season.
I believe it's what they call
"living large."
I don't know. Somewhere on TV.
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Yeah, I gotta go. Bye.
Let's go, Niles.
You know, Dad, I was thinking,
maybe we shouldn't go
to the game today.
Hey, you know what I was thinking?
Maybe we shouldn't go to any of them.
You know, that's one of
the best things about this.
When was the last time
you and I joked like this?
Well, we better get going,
because it's late.
Last night at the game...
...did you happen to notice
when Reggie tousled my hair?
Yeah, yeah. Let's go.
Well, somehow, some way,
he's convinced himself that
that's what he needs to do
in order to play well.
Oh, well, can't we talk about it
in the car?
It has nothing to do with
any advice I've given.
It's all some bizarre superstition,
and Reggie wants to rub my head
again before today's game.
Well, you know, a lot of athletes
have weird superstitions.
Yes, but I'm a psychiatrist.
I can't let people think
I'm treating the man
when all I am is a rabbit's foot.
I'd be taking credit for something
I don't deserve.
Okay. What would you be taking
credit for? Helping him.
What are you doing? Helping him.
I'm getting my coat.
But I wouldn't be helping him
as a psychiatrist.
Oh, that's what's bugging you? People
thinking you're a good psychiatrist?
- Exactly.
- Are you a good psychiatrist?
- Yes.
- I'm getting my coat.
Dad, Dad, I'm sorry.
We're not going.
Oh, man, I knew you'd find
some way to ruin this.
Dad.
Courtside season tickets.
VIP parking.
Dad.
No, no, you've gotta have
your reasons.
"It's my ethics. It's my integrity.
It's my allergies."
Well, that's it.
I'm never getting my hopes up again.
Dad, you can still watch the game
on TV.
I don't wanna watch it on TV.
- I'll get you a beer.
- I don't like beer.
Dad, you know I'm right.
Will you look me in the eye
and answer me one question?
Would you still be doing this if these
were courtside seats at the opera?
Yes.
My ethics are my ethics.
And by the way,
where do you think I got those ethics?
Oh, yeah, throw it back at me.
That's real mature.
I'd like to talk to Mr. MacLemore.
- Who wants to see him?
- Just tell him N.C. is here.
Nancy?
No, N.C.
What is so hard about that?
Damn, man, where've you been?
I gotta be on the court in five minutes.
I know, I know. Stop.
Before you rub your hands all over me,
we need to talk.
- What's up?
- Well, I'll come right to the point.
This entire affair has grown
out of control. I need to end it.
What are you saying,
you're not coming anymore?
Well, no.
We can still see each other to talk,
but no touching.
That part of our relationship is over.
- Does this concern you?
- It's starting to.
- All right, come on, dude.
- No. Now, listen.
Do you really expect me to drop
what I'm doing
and race down here every day
just so you can run your fingers
over my head?
Yeah.
Listen to me closely.
You are a gifted athlete
with tremendous skill.
Marshal your talents.
Concentrate. Focus.
The key to your success
is to trust your own God-given ability.
It has nothing to do with my head.
- It must be your hair.
- Will you stop it.
- You're obsessing.
- Come on, man, just let me touch it.
No.
You have to look at this logically.
I can't come down here
for every game,
and I certainly can't go with you
when the team is on tour.
This is not a long-term solution.
What you need is legitimate therapy.
If you wanna start, come inside.
I'll give you a quick session,
we can proceed from there.
Yeah, you're right, doc. I mean,
what I need is a long-term solution.
Good.
Yo, Frank, let me see those scissors.
Coming, doc.
some of my colleagues in the media.
- But a convention?
- Mm.
You've never shown
any interest before.
They've never held one
in Aspen before.
Just think, hundreds of radio
psychiatrists, all in the same location.
One well-timed avalanche
and the dignity of the entire psychiatric
profession could be restored.
Oh, good one.
I can always count on you
for some witty retort.
I insult you,
and you compliment me.
Could the request for a favor
be far behind?
Damn. You are perceptive.
- Oh, stop it.
- Oh, all right.
Listen, Niles, I'd like you to do
my show for me for the week I'm gone.
Me standing in for you?
I'm sorry, Frasier,
I couldn't presume to fill
those big, floppy red shoes of yours.
Please, please, Niles.
Look, I'm begging you.
The station wants to replace me
with Helen Grogan,
better known as Ma Nature.
She does a gardening show,
and I'm just a little worried that a week
of discussing well-rotted manure
will weaken my listener base.
It hasn't yet.
Very well.
You leave me no alternative
but to call in my marker.
What marker?
Oh, I think you know.
- You wouldn't.
- I would.
- You can't.
- I will.
That was three years ago.
I don't recall there being
any statute of limitations.
I distinctly recall that when you asked
me to go out with Maris' sister,
you said that you would
owe me one forever.
But you only spent one evening
with Brie.
That hardly compares to what
you're asking me to endure.
Shall I refresh your memory?
Midway through the opera,
her ermine muff began to tremble.
As it turned out, she had used it
to smuggle in
her adorably incontinent chihuahua.
Just as I thought we'd reached
the low point of the evening,
I suddenly felt a sandpaper tongue
licking my earlobe.
Alas, it did not belong to little Herv?.
Fortunately, my shriek coincided
with the onstage murder of Gondalfo.
Roz will expect you on Monday at 2.
For your information, Brie had
a very tough row to hoe growing up.
It's not easy going through life
with only one nostril.
Did I mention
she had a cold that night?
Monday at 2 it is.
We're at the point where all
communication has broken down.
- He won't even listen to me.
- Linda.
Do you how annoying that is,
not to be listened to?
- Linda.
- It's driving me crazy.
I was hoping maybe
you would speak to him directly.
Excuse me one moment.
Thank you for the brilliant job of
call-screening. How do I get out of this?
Did you think of saying there are
other callers on the line?
Linda, I'd love to go into this
in more depth,
but, unfortunately,
we're nearly out of time
and Roz has lots of other callers
waiting anxiously on the line.
Actually, Dr. Crane,
all our lines are open.
So you can talk to him? Good.
I'm putting him on the line
right now.
- Go ahead.
- All right.
Murray, you're dealing
with your problem
in a very self-destructive manner.
It won't be solved by refusing to eat.
Do you hear me?
Oh, my God, it's working.
He's eating.
Dr. Crane, what did you say to him?
Well, I'd like to tell you, but that would
violate doctor-cat confidentiality.
Oh, well, Seattle,
I'm afraid we're out of time.
This is Dr. Niles Crane, one down,
four to go. See you tomorrow.
That little bit of sabotage
was not amusing.
Then why did coffee
come out of my nose?
Hey, Dr. Dolittle,
I heard your show.
- It didn't suck.
- "Dear diary..."
So how's it feel?
Like I'm walking away
from my lamppost
and counting the bills
in my garter belt.
Okay, both of you get out of here.
I gotta set up for my show.
I got Reggie MacLemore
on my show today. Don't ask me why.
- I wasn't even going to ask who.
- He's a guard for the Sonics.
He used to be unstoppable.
Twenty points a game, easy.
Now he's in the tank.
Just what I need on my show,
a loser.
Oh, look, there he is now.
What an overpaid, worthless
piece of...
- Hey, Reggie, my man!
- What's up? How you doing, man?
You never call me unless you need
tickets, man. What's up with that?
I love this guy.
Reggie MacLemore, Roz Doyle.
- Hi. I'm a big fan of yours.
- Thanks.
I'd introduce you to this guy, but
he doesn't know squat about sports.
On the contrary. In prep school,
I was an ardent sportsman.
Until an inflamed instep forced me
to resign from the croquet club.
I'll see myself out.
Oh, hey, wait a minute.
You're the shrink.
I heard you in my car
on the way over.
Dr. Niles Crane. It's a pleasure.
Doc, wait. You sounded like you
really know what you're talking about.
Anyway, there's this sort of problem
I've been having,
and I was wondering...
Maybe you could help me out.
Well, what is it?
Well, you see,
for the last two weeks,
every time I get my hands
on the pill, I choke.
Well, have you tried mashing it
with a spoon?
You don't watch much basketball,
do you?
It's my game, man.
Because of me, we've lost six in a row.
Oh, well, I'm not very well versed
in sports psychology,
but I could certainly schedule
a session.
No, no, I need something fast, man.
We got Phoenix tonight.
This is highly irregular,
but since you're pressed,
there are exercises I could suggest.
Oh, great, man. Thanks, man.
You know what, just name it.
Tickets to any game you want.
Nothing wrong with your sense
of humor. Have a seat.
We'll start with a positive visualization.
I want you to close your eyes,
take a deep breath.
Good. Now, I want you to imagine
yourself on the playing surface,
doing whatever it is you actually do.
Tell me what you see.
- Okay. Kemp's passing me the ball.
- Mm-hm.
- I'm bringing it up court.
- Mm-hm.
- I'm dribbling.
- Don't worry about your appearance.
Start again, and I'll just be quiet.
- Can I ask you a favor?
- Yeah, forget it, he's married.
Hey, that's pretty offensive.
Why do you assume
that's what I wanted?
Okay, then, what did you want?
Well, I don't know, I just wanted to--
Time's up.
Oh, by the way, if you're so hungry
for some good-looking, athletic guy,
why won't you go out with me?
If you're not at least this tall,
you can't go on this ride.
This next exercise is designed
to block negative feelings.
I've tried it myself.
Simply take a moment,
think of something comforting
from childhood:
A stuffed animal,
a dog-eared copy of Middlemarch.
You may have other memories.
Come on, Reggie, shake it.
I gotta run. Hey, but thanks
a lot, doc. I'll give it a try.
Okay. Oh, wait, I saw this.
It has steps, right?
Later, man.
- You know, according to this article--
- No, quiet.
That's three seconds. Come on,
he's camping out in the middle.
No, don't double the ball.
They'll just swing it around for a three.
There it is. Just like I said.
Oh!
Oh, timeout.
Sure, now you listen to me.
You believe this? Two minutes ago,
we were up six points--
Shh! Quiet. This is my
favorite commercial.
No, don't pick that floor cleaner.
It'll give your floors waxy build-up.
No, don't do it. Don't do it!
Dahh!
It's completely different.
There's Dr. Crane.
It'll be a pleasure to be around one
man who's not obsessed with sports.
- Hello, Daphne.
- Hello.
Oh, the Sonics are on, excuse me.
- So, Dad--
- Hold it, Niles.
There's only nine seconds to go.
- What's the score?
- What do you care?
No, get it to MacLemore,
to MacLemore.
He's got the hot hand.
Yes! Come on, Reggie!
Unbelievable. Sonics win!
- This is fantastic. You know, Dad--
- Wait, wait. I wanna see the replay.
No, get it to MacLemore.
Unbelievable!
- You might be interested to know--
- Quiet, I wanna see the interview.
Reggie, got a minute?
Great game tonight.
Seems like your slump is over.
Yeah, I was really feeling it
out there tonight.
What turned it around for you?
Well, I was having a little problem
getting my head together,
but this radio shrink really
helped me out. Dr. Niles Crane.
- Well, good luck against Utah.
- Thanks a lot.
Let's send it back upstairs.
You?
- Is that so hard to believe?
- Yeah.
- When did you talk to him?
- He was on Bulldog's show today.
We had a brief session in the hallway.
Not more than two minutes.
You turned Reggie's game around
in only two minutes?
Well, you could be
a little less surprised.
I am a skilled psychiatrist.
After 16 years in the field,
I have developed certain instincts.
I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm starting to think maybe
I should spend an hour or two
on the couch with you.
Are you kidding?
With Niles, it'd only take two minutes.
Thanks, Dad.
Hey, doc, great job. Go Sonics.
- You're the man.
- Thank you. Same to you.
Way to go.
Heavens, I need a clip and a buff.
There he is, the toast of Seattle.
You know you made the sports section
of the paper this morning?
Yes, I'd heard. I must admit,
I find this all a bit mystifying.
Do people really care this much
about a basketball game?
Are you kidding? This is Seattle.
It rains nine months out of the year.
We take our indoor sports
very seriously.
Well, I know you always have.
You're a hero today,
so I'm gonna let that one go.
Pucker up, baby,
I'm planting a big, wet one on you.
Muah!
Well, there's a layer of skin
I'll be exfoliating this evening.
- I had 200 bucks on the Sonics.
- Two hundred? Isn't gambling illegal?
- Isn't he the cutest?
- Oh, yes.
- Down. Down.
- Okay.
I hope you don't feel this way
about chicks.
I got one of those Sonics cheerleaders
coming on my show today,
and she really wants to see you.
Believe it or not, Bulldog,
not every man's dream woman
is a pompom-shaking,
half-time halfwit.
Is she the head cheerleader?
Yeah, and she's coming in costume.
Of course she is. It's radio.
Look at these faxes
that came for you.
Faxes?
"Seattle thanks you."
"You're the Sonics' MVP."
- Most valuable player.
- Oh!
"You're a genius."
With the less-common J spelling.
But still, his point is well taken.
I bet you're feeling pretty good
about yourself.
Suddenly I'm being revered as a god
by the same troglodytes
who in junior high school tried to
pack me into my own briefcase.
It's glorious.
Oh, I almost forgot the best part.
Reggie sent these tickets
for tonight's game over.
Well, I suppose I can't disappoint
my new fans.
Tell me, does one still wear
a white sweater
jauntily tied around the neck
to these things?
If one wants to get the crap
beat out of one.
- Hey.
- Dad. What a surprise.
I'm not interrupting or anything, am I?
- No, come in. Is everything all right?
- Oh, sure, sure.
I was just having lunch at McGinty's,
and some of the guys would
really like to meet you,
and I was hoping that after your show,
you could stop in for a drink.
I mean, I wouldn't ask you, but some
of these guys are my best buddies.
Actually, Dad, Reggie sent over
these tickets to tonight's game,
and I was going to ask you to go,
but since--
The hell with those guys. I'm there.
I have to tell you, I'm finding
all this attention a bit overwhelming.
Oh, come on, you deserve it.
You're a hero.
Perhaps it's time
we put all this into perspective.
The only real heroes are
the fine athletes
who worked so hard
for two hours to win that game.
My contribution was minimal at best.
What did I tell you, doc?
Which of you won the game
for us last night?
That would be me.
Nice talking to you too.
Enjoy the game.
Dad, it really isn't necessary to tell
everyone we bump into
that I'm the one
Reggie credited with last night's victory.
- That was you?
- Yeah, yeah, it's my son, Niles Crane.
They must've sold too many tickets.
They've stuck us
in these folding chairs.
Wow, we're right on the hardwood,
five feet from the baseline.
- Like front-row orchestra, stage right.
- Oh.
Oh, man, we're so close we're gonna
hear teeth rattle when they set a pick.
It's like sitting close enough
to get hit by Placido Domingo's spit.
Oh.
- Hey, hey, N.C., you made it.
- I beg your pardon?
Oh, "N.C." I thought you said "nancy."
For a second it was prep school
all over again. Let me introduce.
Reggie MacLemore, Daphne Moon.
- Hello.
- And this--
Hi. Marty Crane. Niles' dad.
Yeah, I'm a big fan.
I want you to know,
I never lost faith in you.
Not when you were in your slump,
not when you tanked it in the playoffs,
not even when all my friends
were calling you Reggie Hack-Lemore.
What?
You know, this might be
a good time
to try that negative-thought-blocking
exercise.
Yeah, okay. Look, you guys enjoy
the game. I'll see you afterwards.
- All right. Make me proud.
- Go Sonics.
- What the hell was that?
- That's the end of the shootaround.
The coach is about to send
the starting five in for the tip-off.
- The stage manager just called places.
- Oh.
Foul on the rebound, MacLemore.
I gather Reggie's not performing
up to par this evening.
Oh, you got that from
all the booing, huh?
Nice counseling job.
He's been throwing up bricks all night.
Judging from that empty tureen
of nachos and cheese,
you may be joining him.
Malone to the line to shoot two.
Doc, you gotta help me out.
I don't know what's wrong.
Perhaps you've forgotten my advice.
Let's review quickly.
Did you empty your mind
of negative thoughts?
- Yeah.
- The imaging exercises?
Yeah, yeah, I did them.
What else did you tell me to do?
Nothing. Bulldog called you,
you ran back in.
No, no, wait. Now, right before that,
I rubbed your head.
I remember because my hand
smelled like peach
and I thought, "What the hell
does this guy wash his hair with?"
Well, you can't possibly think that
my head is some sort of lucky charm.
Well, we'll know in a minute.
I saw you talking to Reggie again.
Hope you gave him some more advice.
I tried to, but he has
this absurd idea--
No, wait, wait, wait.
MacLemore for three.
Unbelievable.
What did you say to him?
I didn't say anything
he could possibly--
Look, look, look, he stole the ball.
MacLemore, three more.
Oh, Dr. Crane,
you're a miracle worker.
What did you say to him?
Oh, just something off the top
of my head.
Timeout, Utah.
Oh, isn't this nice.
Dr. Crane sent us a postcard
from Aspen.
Great. How's he doing?
Let's see.
"I delivered a speech
at the conference last night.
I was especially pleased
with my opening line:
'My fellow psychiatrists. As I watched
you on the slopes today,
I realized I've never seen
so many Freudians slip.'
As hard as you're laughing now,
imagine the thunder
of an auditorium of colleagues.
Well, see you Saturday. Frasier."
Well, I better get going.
I'm meeting Joe at the movies.
Oh, bloody hell,
it's later than I thought.
- Enjoy.
- Yeah. Enjoy your game.
Oh, Dr. Crane,
have fun at the game.
- I'm afraid we won't be going.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Do you wanna know why?
- Not really.
VIP parking. Uh-huh.
Yeah, that's courtside, pal.
Yeah, right on the hardwood.
Yeah, swear to God.
And Reggie said the seats are ours
for the rest of the season.
I believe it's what they call
"living large."
I don't know. Somewhere on TV.
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Yeah, I gotta go. Bye.
Let's go, Niles.
You know, Dad, I was thinking,
maybe we shouldn't go
to the game today.
Hey, you know what I was thinking?
Maybe we shouldn't go to any of them.
You know, that's one of
the best things about this.
When was the last time
you and I joked like this?
Well, we better get going,
because it's late.
Last night at the game...
...did you happen to notice
when Reggie tousled my hair?
Yeah, yeah. Let's go.
Well, somehow, some way,
he's convinced himself that
that's what he needs to do
in order to play well.
Oh, well, can't we talk about it
in the car?
It has nothing to do with
any advice I've given.
It's all some bizarre superstition,
and Reggie wants to rub my head
again before today's game.
Well, you know, a lot of athletes
have weird superstitions.
Yes, but I'm a psychiatrist.
I can't let people think
I'm treating the man
when all I am is a rabbit's foot.
I'd be taking credit for something
I don't deserve.
Okay. What would you be taking
credit for? Helping him.
What are you doing? Helping him.
I'm getting my coat.
But I wouldn't be helping him
as a psychiatrist.
Oh, that's what's bugging you? People
thinking you're a good psychiatrist?
- Exactly.
- Are you a good psychiatrist?
- Yes.
- I'm getting my coat.
Dad, Dad, I'm sorry.
We're not going.
Oh, man, I knew you'd find
some way to ruin this.
Dad.
Courtside season tickets.
VIP parking.
Dad.
No, no, you've gotta have
your reasons.
"It's my ethics. It's my integrity.
It's my allergies."
Well, that's it.
I'm never getting my hopes up again.
Dad, you can still watch the game
on TV.
I don't wanna watch it on TV.
- I'll get you a beer.
- I don't like beer.
Dad, you know I'm right.
Will you look me in the eye
and answer me one question?
Would you still be doing this if these
were courtside seats at the opera?
Yes.
My ethics are my ethics.
And by the way,
where do you think I got those ethics?
Oh, yeah, throw it back at me.
That's real mature.
I'd like to talk to Mr. MacLemore.
- Who wants to see him?
- Just tell him N.C. is here.
Nancy?
No, N.C.
What is so hard about that?
Damn, man, where've you been?
I gotta be on the court in five minutes.
I know, I know. Stop.
Before you rub your hands all over me,
we need to talk.
- What's up?
- Well, I'll come right to the point.
This entire affair has grown
out of control. I need to end it.
What are you saying,
you're not coming anymore?
Well, no.
We can still see each other to talk,
but no touching.
That part of our relationship is over.
- Does this concern you?
- It's starting to.
- All right, come on, dude.
- No. Now, listen.
Do you really expect me to drop
what I'm doing
and race down here every day
just so you can run your fingers
over my head?
Yeah.
Listen to me closely.
You are a gifted athlete
with tremendous skill.
Marshal your talents.
Concentrate. Focus.
The key to your success
is to trust your own God-given ability.
It has nothing to do with my head.
- It must be your hair.
- Will you stop it.
- You're obsessing.
- Come on, man, just let me touch it.
No.
You have to look at this logically.
I can't come down here
for every game,
and I certainly can't go with you
when the team is on tour.
This is not a long-term solution.
What you need is legitimate therapy.
If you wanna start, come inside.
I'll give you a quick session,
we can proceed from there.
Yeah, you're right, doc. I mean,
what I need is a long-term solution.
Good.
Yo, Frank, let me see those scissors.
Coming, doc.