Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 2 - Love Bites Dog - full transcript

Baby, baby, all I'm saying
is we should cool it for a while.

No, what's that thing?

"If you love something, let it go.

If it comes back to you..."
Yadda yadda yadda.

Yeah, that's it.

Hey, don't get me wrong,
I'm really broken up about this.

Hey, think fast.

[LAUGHS]

Come on, now...

No tears. No...

I'll never forget you either, Sandy.



Linda? Really?

Well, I thought I was talking
to your sister.

Oh, well, tell her same goes.

- Hey, Frasier, do you have a minute?
- Yes, of course, Roz. What is it?

Well, you're not gonna
like this idea.

You're gonna complain
and make up excuses

and then say no anyway.

That's the very words I would use
to woo my dear Lilith.

Okay, here goes.

I have this friend and I think you two
would really hit it off.

You were wondering if I might
meet her for a drink,

which might lead to dinner,
and after that, who knows where?

Yes, exactly.

Oh, listen, Roz, did you hear that?



What?

If you listen very carefully...

...you can actually hear
my skin crawling.

I know, blind dates stink.
But I'm your friend,

- and I'm worried about you.
- Well, Roz...

When was the last time
you were with a woman?

- Seems like almost a year.
- Oh, it has not been that long.

I mean, that is a laugh.

The last time was...

Well, let me see, the...

Well, the tree was still up.
Oh, God.

Her name is Sharon.
She's 5'7".

- Oh, Roz, I'm not interested.
- But she's an incredible person.

She's smart, she's funny.
She's a former pro golfer.

- She just hasn't met the right guy.
- A woman golfer?

Are we quite certain
there is a right guy?

- She dates men.
- Not this one.

She plays chess.
She loves your show.

I know this isn't supposed to
matter to people like you,

but I've seen her in the shower
at the gym,

she has a body that makes
Bo Derek look like Bo Diddley.

A chess player, did you say?

MARTIN:
Look at these pants.

Oh, dear, Mr. Crane. Did Eddie
drag you through the puddles again?

Every last one of them.

Eddie, get in here.

Eddie, I mean now.

What am I gonna do with you?
My favourite shoes are soaked.

Eddie, look at me
when I'm talking to you.

- You're doing it again.
- What?

You're acting like one of those
nutjobs in the park

- who treat their pets like children.
- Yeah?

Well, when you do it outside,
you're a nut.

When you do it inside,
it's your own damn business.

Eddie, go to your room.

Oh, don't worry about your shoes.
I'll get them all dried out for you.

MARTIN: Well, I hope.
They're not just any shoes, you know.

These are Muckabees,
the most comfortable shoes made.

Air-cushioned insoles,
deep flannel lining.

You know, I remember
one anniversary I surprised Hester

with a pair of Lady Muckabees.

Don't remember which anniversary,
but I know it ended with a zero.

I don't doubt that.

Oh, all right. I forgive you.

I love you too. Yeah.

You'll always be my very best boy.

[WHISTLES]

You know, Dad, there are some
fathers who actually praise their sons

and whistle at their dogs.

- New suit, huh? Who's the lucky girl?
- If you must know,

I'm meeting a friend of Roz's today
after work, but it's no big deal.

Well, congratulations.
What's it been, a year?

It has not been that long.

I remember the tree was still up.

Well, look at you, all got up
like a dog's dinner.

Yes, it's a new suit. Yes, I'm meeting a
woman. And, yes, it has been a while.

Thanks. That reminds me,
I have to order me cards.

Daphne, are you finished here
with the microwave?

Oh, no.

- My Muckabees!
DAPHNE: I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to leave them
in there for so long.

Yes, well, English cooking
strikes again.

You should be happy your patient feels
healthy enough to terminate therapy.

I would, but it's happened so often
lately I find myself in financial straits.

Deep financial straits.

Look at this belt. Spanish leather.

If Mr. Blackwell comes in, I'll create a
diversion, you can make a dash for it.

Obviously the time has come for me
to expand my practice,

so I'm placing an ad
in Seattle Style magazine.

Advertisement? Isn't that a bit
commercial for a psychiatrist?

Said Dr Pot to Dr Kettle.

Besides, a highly respected
obstetrician on my floor did it,

and now his waiting room has more
swollen bellies than a Buddhist temple.

- Good one, yes.
- I liked it.

Here. I'm on my way to call it in,
I just wanted to run it by you.

All right.
"Dr Niles Crane, Jung specialist.

Servicing individuals, couples,
groups. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Tell me where it hurts."
Well, that's just excellent, Niles.

All you're missing now
is a very tasteful cartoon

of you smiling brightly
and holding a shrunken head.

I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
I was too distracted by your face

going by on the side of a bus.

I'm off.

- Hey, wild thing.
- Yes, hello.

- Look, we have on the same belt.
- Oh, my God.

- Hi, Roz.
- Hey, Frasier.

- Sharon's gonna be here any minute.
- You didn't say anything, did you?

Not a word. She has no idea
this is a set-up.

Good. Now, listen, if I don't like her,

I will simply excuse myself and leave.
But if like her, I will find some polite

and discreet way of indicating
that you may go.

Beat it, Roz.

ROZ: Hi, Sharon.
- Hi, Roz.

Look who I ran into, my boss,
Dr Frasier Crane.

- Hello.
- This is Sharon Payton.

Pleased to meet you.
I'm a big fan of your show.

- Thank you.
- I'm sure you're tired of hearing that.

- You probably get it all the time.
- Oh, well, not lately.

Listen, Sharon, I'm so sorry to do this,
but I just got a call from the office,

- and it's urgent and I have to go.
- Oh, sure, that's all right.

Well, you know, as long as you're
here, you might as well join me.

That'd be nice.

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye, Roz.

You know, I really do love
listening to your show.

I think it's because you have
such a soothing voice.

What a very kind thing to say.

I almost called in once.

Really? May I ask what
the problem was?

Well, I'm terribly competitive, which is
great for sports, I used to play pro golf,

but sometimes it seeps
into my personal life.

Well, I don't really think
that's too great a problem,

but if I were to make
a recommendation, it might be to...

...start seeing a therapist.

Whoa.

- Hello, gorgeous.
- Hi, Bulldog.

Not you. Hey, aren't you
gonna introduce me?

- Well, actually, I wasn't, no.
- Bob Brisco.

- Sharon Payton.
- Yes, good to see you.

- Don't be a stranger.
- Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Sharon Payton.
I know you.

LPGA, you won
the Denver Open, 1992.

1992. That was a fabulous year for a
particular Chambertin I took a shine to...

I know you too. You're that guy
that said golf is not a sport.

- Well, it's not.
- Really?

Yeah. No cheerleaders, no blood, the
only cups involved are in the ground.

This reminds me of a debate I had with
my brother Niles about whether or not

Stephen Sondheim
is really light opera.

You know, I have a theory that people
who put down golf

do so because they can't play well.

- Is that a challenge?
- It might be.

If we leave now,
we could get in nine holes.

- Loser buys dinner.
- I got a nine handicap.

You're on. Frasier, would you like
to join us?

- Well, no, I don't play.
- Well, it was really nice meeting you.

- Likewise.
- I'll get my coat.

Bulldog. Listen, Roz set this up
that I might meet Sharon.

Things were going
in a very positive direction.

Yeah, well, things seem
to have changed, haven't they?

- What do you call that? Irony?
- Is there nothing I can do

- to appeal to your sense of decency?
- Hey, I have no sense of decency.

That way, my other senses
are enhanced.

MARTIN:
But the real secret of Muckabees

is that they mould themselves
to the shape of your foot.

Now, my problem was always
hammertoes.

If you had hammertoes, you'd have
a hell of a time finding shoes.

But Muckabees fit over
my hammertoes like a glove.

Funny, you know,
when you're young,

you dream about fame and fortune.
When you get to be my age,

all you really want out of life
is a comfy pair of shoes.

Right now I'd settle for never hearing
the word "hammertoes" again.

Hey, don't give me any attitude.
Wasn't me that nuked the Muckabees.

I'm not the one who can't remember
where the store is

- where you bought the damn shoes.
- Just drive. I'll tell you when to stop.

Stop!

- Is that it?
- It's a red light.

- In this country, we stop for those.
- All right, all right.

- Woman driver.
- Hammertoes.

Frasier.

What? Haven't you
spoken with Sharon?

I tried, but she wasn't home
all weekend.

Frasier.

Look, before you snap my behind
with a wet towel,

the last time I saw Sharon was leaving
Caf? Nervosa with Bulldog.

Frasier! How could you
let that happen?

Well, I don't know. The whole thing
is sort of a blur. We were talking about

golf and something called a handicap,
the next thing I know, I'm sitting

with a cappuccino, muttering to myself
in a very soothing voice.

- I'm sorry.
- Well, it's all right, Roz.

It's just the whole thing just
catapulted me back to high school.

You've only known me as an adult,
but back then I was rather

- an unathletic, bookish sort.
- Get out.

Jocks were the bane
of my existence.

They called me a weenie, and they
would steal all the girls that I wanted.

Oh, Frasier, you must have had
some girlfriends.

Friends, yeah. Yeah, any time they
wanted a sensitive shoulder to cry on,

but some blockheaded pillar
of testosterone would come and it was:

"Bye, Fras,
maybe we can study later."

Then I'd head home to Niles and we'd
put on the Brandenburg Concertos

and play air violin.

Gee, what a couple of nerdlingers.

Oh, and I suppose you were
Miss Popular in high school.

- I would say yes.
- I'm guessing that explains why too.

Hey, guys.

[BULLDOG GIGGLES]

- What a weekend.
- Listen, Bulldog, Sharon is my friend,

- and you better not hurt her.
- What...? Hurt her?

I am crazy about her.

I never felt this way before.

You know, on my way to work,

all these songs on the radio
suddenly made sense to me.

Have you ever listened to the words
to "Time In A Bottle"?

It is so beautiful, man,
I had to pull over.

Oh, my God, it's in love.

And last night,
for the first time in my life,

I actually said those
three little words:

"Stay for breakfast."

- You had sex with Sharon?
- Doc, please.

We made love. You know what?
I gotta call her.

No, wait, no, I gotta play hard to get.

But I miss the sound of her voice.
I'm calling her. No, wait, it's too needy.

Chicks hate that. I shouldn't call her.

But I want to. Doc, what should I do?

Don't ask me.
I don't even know who you are.

This was it.
This was the Muckabees store.

Now it's gone and so are
the only shoes I ever loved.

Mr Crane, look at me.

We're talking here about something
that's old and smelly and dirty.

MAN:
Hey.

Not you. We're talking
about Muckabees.

Oh, great shoes.
Used to sell them here.

- What happened to the store?
- Moved.

- Do you know where?
- Yeah. It'll cost you.

- How much?
- No, not money. I want a kiss.

What?

- You heard him.
- Mr Crane.

You burned them, you owe me.
It's only a kiss.

Not her.

This is Dr Frasier Crane,
KACL 780 talk radio.

Thought you'd never finish.

You know, Niles, what say I buy us
dinner and a lot of martinis.

Sounds great except
for the dinner part.

- I take it you had a bad day too?
- I had an abysmal day.

- Remember the ad I placed?
- Oh, yes. Dr Niles Crane,

- Jung specialist, blah blah blah.
- Well, they've made a tiny little typo.

See if you can find it.

"Niles Crane, hung specialist."

Oh, my.

The rest they got perfectly.

"Servicing individuals, couples,

groups.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

Tell me where it hurts."

Well, any calls?

- It's a telethon.
- Yes, well...

- We'll start with double martinis.
- All right.

Wait a second. I need the name of one
of those fancy restaurants you go to.

Hey, hi, Sharon, it's me, Bob.

Hey, I had a great time last night.

Listen, how about dinner tonight?

You do?

All right, how about tomorrow night?

Hey, it's a good thing I'm not paranoid,
I'd think you were dumping me.

Well, I walked into that one.

Yeah, me too. Good luck, Shar...

- Gee, I'm sorry, Bulldog.
- Me too.

I'll call Francois, see if he can
get us a table on the patio.

- Ten seconds, Bulldog.
- Oh, right, right, right.

- Listen, are you gonna be all right?
- What, me? Are you kidding?

I'm the Bulldog.

Attention, sports fans,
you're in the Doghouse.

[BARKING]

Uh...
First, some weekend scores.

In football, the Packers
crushed the Saints 42-10,

and the 49ers humiliated
the Patriots 35-7.

And in golf...

Golf, hey, golf sucks, right?
Go to calls.

You're in the Doghouse.
Put on a flea collar.

We have the table,
but Francois says

- he can only hold it for ten minutes.
- In a minute.

MAN 1 [ON SPEAKER]:
Anyway, what's up with the rumour

that the Seahawks are thinking
of leaving Seattle again?

I have no respect for that, man.

Anyone who has their fun,
then they just leave you,

well, hey, to hell with them, right?
We'll get another team.

A team that... A team that
won't ever leave us.

A team we can love forever.

- You'd better go to commercial.
- I already did.

Bulldog, are you gonna be all right?

Do you think you can tape the show?

Wait, Bulldog, we need a tape.
Where's the Best of Bulldog?

She took the best of Bulldog.

- We've got dead air in 15 seconds.
- Oh, great. Okay, I'll go get Bulldog.

- You take over the show.
- Me? A sports show?

You're the only one here.

[HONKS]

Okay, sports enthusiasts,
this is Dr Frasier Crane

filling in for Bob "Bulldog" Brisco.

- You're on the air.
MAN 2: This is Mike.

I wanted to talk to Bulldog,
but you'll do.

So, what's your take on
the damn Yankees this season?

Are you speaking of the frothy musical
adaptation of the Faustian myth

or the baseball team
of which I know nothing?

MAN 2:
What a weenie.

Doesn't that take me back.

But he brings up a good point.
You see, while I'm on the air,

please feel free to call in about
anything other than sports. Please.

Hello, you're on the air.

MAN 3: You think it was
a good idea for the Sonics

to give up those draft choices

so they could free up some money
under the cap?

You know, to go after a wide body
to help them in the paint?

Yes.

You're on the air.

Bulldog!

I know you're in there. Get out here.

Give me a break, Leonard. Like you
haven't fantasized about this moment.

BULLDOG: Go away, Roz.
- Will you grow up.

So you got dumped.

You got a little payback for the way
you treated women all your life.

Besides, the Bulldog I know
doesn't get sad.

- He gets angry.
BULLDOG: You're right.

This stinks! This is total, total B.S.

If you don't come out in the next three
seconds, I'm gonna reach in there

- and drag you out by your ankles.
- Hello, Roz, playing hard to get?

It's Bulldog. You're a psychiatrist.
Help him.

As distressed as I am by his condition,
he's not the only one suffering here.

In eight minutes we are going
to lose our patio table.

Well, as long as Frasier's filling in
for Bulldog, you're not going anywhere.

You poor man. Help is at hand.

BULLDOG:
No! No shrinks! I hate shrinks.

You're all a bunch of
wimps, weirdos.

Help me.

There, there. I'm here for you.

And you're over there for me.

Well, I sense you're
in a great deal of pain.

- Yeah. Make it stop.
- No.

No, the first step toward healing
is not to bury the pain,

but to feel it at its fullest depths.

[SCREAMS]

Okay, well, before security arrives,
let's skip on to step two.

- What is going on?
- Excuse me. Frasier, we're in session.

We have to pull him together
in minutes, not in a lifetime.

- How dare you talk to me like that.
- We don't have time for this. Get out!

Bulldog, I'm referring you
to my brother.

I'll call Francois and tell him
there's been a death.

That ought to buy us
another ten minutes.

We're on a newsbreak. You have got
to pull yourself together because

there is no way I am enduring
any more humiliation.

- I am not going out there, man.
- You have got to.

I can't even decipher the abbreviations
on the score sheets. I'm guessing

by your producer's guffaws that it is
not the Cleveland Independents.

I just never felt this way
about a chick before.

I was even thinking about
her and me having kids.

- Isn't that scary?
- Positively bone-chilling.

- It hurts like hell.
- I know. I know, Bulldog.

You know, often through pain
we can achieve emotional growth.

It reminds me of a paper
I recently presented

to the Vancouver Psychiatric
Association. The gravamen

of my discourse was that
the sufferer, i.e. You...

Doc, doc, you're hurting
my head here.

Can't you stop being a shrink
and just be, like, a guy?

Like a guy.

Like a guy.

Screw her!

- What?
- Yeah, you don't need her.

She's trash!

- Yeah, trash.
- You're better off! We both are!

- I like the sound of this.
- Yeah, so do I!

It's unattractive, yet liberating.
Like the one and only time

I wore a European bathing suit.

- Oh, I'm sorry. She's a bitch!
- Hey, she wasn't even that hot.

All she did was save you
the trouble of having to dump her.

- I never thought about that.
- There you go.

- I'm feeling a little better.
- That's right.

- Thanks.
- Come on.

- It's great talking to you.
- Likewise.

You know, I could talk like this
for another 30 seconds.

She was nothing!

- She was less than nothing!
- Yeah, right.

Tomorrow you're gonna find
somebody even hotter,

and you know
what you're gonna do?

You're gonna have your fun with her
and dump her just for the hell of it!

- Yeah, dump her!
- And you know what?

You're not gonna feel bad
about it at all. You know why?

Because we're guys,
and that's what guys do!

Distressing news, Frasier.
Francois gave away our table.

Screw him!

- Excuse me?
- You heard me!

We don't need him or his stinky little
restaurant. There are plenty

of restaurants. I say we go somewhere
we don't even need a reservation!

- Thank you, Niles.
- You're welcome.

If we hasten, perhaps we can catch
the first seating at Monsieur Galbolon.