Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 15 - Roz's Krantz & Gouldenstein Are Dead - full transcript

Oh, did I mention, two members
of my fear-of-commitment group

have announced
they're getting married.

Oh, congratulations.

There's a downside, though.
They're New Age types.

The wedding is to be
held in the woods.

- So?
- I need a date.

You know how the women
in my crowd tend to droop outdoors.

Yes, well, Niles, there are all different
sorts of women in the world, you know.

Perhaps if you'd tiptoe beyond
the fringes of your precious circle,

cast a wider net.

Frasier, that woman by the side
of the road spearing trash...



Not that wide.

No, no, no, it's Roz.

My God, it is.

If she realizes we've recognized her,
she'll be utterly humiliated.

Oh, Roz?

Oh, my God.
You're not seeing me. Go away.

Roz, what on earth
are you doing here?

Just let me in.

- Wait, I'll spread papers.
- Oh, yes.

FRASIER:
Thank you, Niles.

All right.

Okay, let's go.

What...? What do you mean
"let's go"?

L... I can't do that.
I don't even know why you're here.



About a month ago, I got stopped
doing 60 in a 30-mile-an-hour zone.

It was either a huge fine
or community service.

So here I am,
and it's a nightmare.

Breathing exhaust fumes,
using a spatula to scrape up roadkill.

Well, at least just look
on the bright side.

You're outdoors.
You can enjoy nature.

- You're beautifying our highways...
- Frasier, I found an ear.

Was there no other service
you could've performed?

The only other option was visiting
old people in a retirement home.

And you chose this?

Think about it:
Walking the streets, picking up trash...

You can see how Roz
would go with the familiar.

Niles.

Old people just make me
uncomfortable.

Roz, have you ever considered that
your discomfort around the elderly

may stem from your own fear
of growing old?

Wow! Do you think?

Oh, my God.

- What?
- It's my supervisor. Hit the gas.

- I can't. It might be illegal.
- Move or your brother gets it.

- Absolutely not.
- All right, the headrest.

Off we go.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, well, Dad, doing your exercises.
Very good.

DAPHNE:
Just a little farther.

There you go.

Congratulations, Mr Crane.

You finally got your knee
past your rib cage.

It's no big deal.

Well, it's more than Lilith could
accomplish in five years of marriage.

You know, it's so gratifying to see your
father make these little improvements.

It's days like this when I'm glad
I took this position.

We're all glad you took this position.

You know, Daphne, I must say,
there are some times I envy you.

Here you go, Niles.

You know, I'll just say
that it's always gratifying

to see some reward for your efforts.

Lately, that's something I've been
lacking in my own work.

NILES: How so?
- Oh, well, you know,

back in private practice I could spend
months, even years with a patient,

see the fruits of my labour.

Now, somebody calls in,
I give my advice

and never know how things work out.

I simply release my humble words
in the airwaves,

and then they're gone forever,
vanished.

So like my Tiffany cuff links.

I'd hoped to wear them to my New Age
wedding. They've disappeared.

So you know my pain.

Well, I'm not really dissatisfied.
It's just that... Well,

Daphne, you know, you get to see
your progress with Dad.

Niles, you have the upcoming marriage
of your commitment-phobics.

Oh, come on.
You help people all the time.

- You helped me just the other day.
- How?

Well, I was worried because Eddie
had lost his appetite,

and you remember what you said?

If I remember rightly, I said,

"Well, why don't you just give him
some of my truffle foie gras."

Right.

I was being funny.

Oh.

Yeah, well, I knew that.
That just cheered me right up.

Come on, Eddie.

- Excuse me, Bulldog.
- What's up, doc?

Listen, have you seen Roz?

She's late. My show goes on
in 30 seconds.

You know what? I'd dump her.

A little extreme, don't you think?

I fire everybody once a year.
Housekeepers, personal trainers.

Cut them off before they start
copping an attitude.

Oh, oh, doctors are the worst of all.

You pick up the same disease
three or four times,

they start lecturing you
like it's your fault.

You want a bite?

Not if you skipped it to me
across a pool of disinfectant.

Hello, Seattle. Good afternoon.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.

Today we're gonna do things
just a little bit different.

For the past four years now,

I've been taking your calls
and giving advice.

And I was thinking,

perhaps our listeners wonder
how things have turned out.

I know I do.

So today I invite those of you
who've called in in the past

to give us a holler,

and we can catch up on
how things have worked out for you.

All our lines are open.

Come on.

Come on, you know the number.

There we are.

Hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane.
How did I help you?

CHET: Hello, Dr Crane.
This is Chet from Whidbey Island.

I gave you a call last year.

I was having problems
with low self-esteem.

I see. And did my advice help you
to become more assertive?

CHET: Damn straight. Yeah, now
people say I'm downright arrogant.

Well, you know what I say?
Screw them.

Well, perhaps you took my advice
just a bit too far.

CHET:
Who the hell are you?

Screw you too.

Well, as I give myself
a well-deserved pat on the back

and Chet marches off
to invade Poland,

let's just go to commercial.

Well, Roz, glad you could join us.

You're lucky I made it at all.

I took your advice and went down
to that retirement home

to finish off my community service.

It's a lot better than spearing trash,
isn't it?

You tell me.

I started playing checkers
with this old man, Mr Krantz.

Well, things got a little competitive,
and he made a really bad move,

and I said, "You're a dead man."

Oh, dear. I think I see where
this story's headed.

A minute later, he's lying
sprawled across the board.

Pieces are everywhere.
The whole place is screaming.

When I pulled him up, he still had
a checker stuck to his forehead.

Roz, I am so sorry, I...

Jeez, I can see how you could be
very traumatized by this.

Hi, we're back. That was
a catchy little commercial, wasn't it?

Let's get back to it.

Roz, listen, you can't be
too upset about this.

Now, given the circumstances,
his age, and his surroundings,

I mean, surely this thing
was sort of expected.

Not with this guy.

The whole reason I liked him was
he was so youthful and robust.

You should have seen him, Frasier.
He was raring to go.

He kept bragging
about how good he was

and how much fun
it was gonna be.

Then he dies on me.

- Hey, it happens to all guys, okay?
- Bulldog.

No, no, no, this is a pet peeve
of mine, doc.

Why is it always the guy's fault?

If you chicks needed a little less booze
to get from maybe to yes,

we'd be a lot more alert
when the moment of truth arrives.

Bulldog, Roz was playing checkers
with an elderly gentleman, and he died.

Oh, well...

Well, when I said we, I didn't mean me,
because I don't have that.

Hey, you're a doctor.
That was confidential.

Well, I guess its back
to scraping up roadkill.

FRASIER: Surely you realize what
happened at the retirement home

- was an aberration.
- Well, maybe so.

But I wasn't comfortable being around
old people to begin with,

and this hasn't helped matters.

Roz, listen, if you're ever going
to conquer your fear of aging,

get back down there and spend
some time with these people.

You'll learn that they're really
vital human beings.

- I'm still not convinced.
- All right, then think of it this way:

There's been a lot of fog
on the interstate lately,

and the caribou are migrating.

"As the train whistle screamed
and we started out of the station,

I lowered the window and said,
'I'll be back.'

But somehow I knew
I would never see her or Paris again.

The end."

That was a pretty good book,
wasn't it, Mr Gouldenstein?

Mr Gouldenstein,
you're feeling a little cold.

Can I make you a nice hot cup of...

Oh, my God!

Come on, boy. You can do it.
Come on.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, hey. Hey, Fras, look at that.
He's dancing.

- He's practically doing a polka.
FRASIER: Good.

That should up his price
when I sell him to the carnival.

DAPHNE: Hello.
- Hello, Daphne.

Back from the big wedding
in the woods, huh?

Oh, yes, and don't you look nice.

Except, what's this sticky stuff
all over your shoulder here?

- Did you finally find a date?
- I asked Maris.

- Sap.
- I think Daphne speaks for us all.

- Just how the hell did this happen?
- Well, I was desperate for a date,

and I knew Maris would be
lonely this time of year.

It's cruise season. She never partakes.
She has an absolute terror of buffets.

Oh, yes, her legendary
"smorgaphobia."

So how did it go?
Or how big a scene did she make?

Actually, she did quite well.

She willingly joined in
the ceremonial chanting,

and when the shaman invited those so
inclined to embrace their favourite tree,

Maris said the only tree she was willing
to embrace was her family tree.

Everyone laughed.

Well, I laughed.

Then it happened.

- They called for a group hug.
- Oh, dear.

Last time I saw her,
she was racing toward her Mercedes,

emitting a high-pitched shriek

that caused the wedding doves
to attack one another.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll see if I can find something
to remove this sap.

- Another one died.
FRASIER: What? What happened?

What's she talking about?

Dad, Roz has been doing some
community service

down at a retirement home,

and apparently,
for the second time this week,

one of her charges has died.

They're calling me
the Angel of Death now.

Roz, you know this isn't your fault.

Maybe it is.

I've never been good
with plants or animals.

Everything's always died on me.

You have a cat.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

Roz, death is an occupational hazard
of working with older people.

Trust me, I've lost more patients
than I'd like to count.

You never said anything
about that to me.

Didn't I? Anyway, you just sit there,
and I'll go make you a nice cup of tea.

MARTIN: Wait,
how many patients did you lose?

DAPHNE:
Well, I don't know.

I used to keep a tally in me diary,
but it made me a bit sad.

Was it more than five?

Now listen, Roz, there's no way
that you can feel guilty about this.

I mean, those men
were gonna die anyway,

and you gave them
some much welcomed companionship

in their final moments.

It just seems so unfair.

One minute he's lying in the bed,
smiling and happy,

and ten seconds later it's over.

For heaven's sake, it happens to
every man a couple of times in his life.

Why can't you women
just take it as a compliment?

Look, I appreciate you coming
down here with me,

but I don't think I can make it.

Roz, we have discussed this. This is
going to be your breakthrough day.

- They hate me here.
- You're just overreacting.

There's no way they think you're
the Angel of Death.

- I'm leaving.
- No, Roz, this is not like you.

The Roz I know is not a quitter.
She's a fighter.

I just can't help thinking
it's going to happen again.

They always die in threes.

Oh, God, that's just celebrities.
Come on.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

FRASIER:
All right, in you go.

Just get... Just get in there.

- Hi, I'm Roz.
- I'm Moira. Come in.

- How are you feeling today?
- Fine.

- Really? Do you feel okay?
- Yes.

Now, do me a favour and hand me
those cigarettes, would you?

You know, these things
do come with a warning.

So do you, darling. I let you in.

Good afternoon. How you doing?

MAN:
Is that Dr Crane?

FRASIER:
Yes.

MAN: Dr Frasier Crane?
- Yes.

- Have we met?
- No, but I thought that was you.

I recognise your voice
from the radio.

I listen to your program all the time.

Norman Royster.

Well, it's my pleasure.

Are you here visiting somebody?

No, I'm just here with
a friend of mine, Roz.

- She's doing some community service.
- Oh, the Angel of Death. Nice gal.

You know, I remember one day
I was listening to your program,

and it was right after my wife died,

and I was going through
kind of a rough patch...

You told this guy who was going
through the same thing

that he should keep pictures of his wife
around to help with the transition.

That was a good idea.

So you started keeping pictures
with you?

Well, that wouldn't make much sense,
now would it?

Well, no. Well, what did you do?

Well, I remembered,
when we were dating,

Helen made this life mask
of herself for art class,

and I had my daughter
dig through the attic,

and, lo and behold, she found it.

This is the way she looked
when we met.

- Isn't she beautiful?
- Oh, yes.

NORMAN:
So you were right.

Every night, before I fall asleep,

I run my fingers over Helen's
beautiful face,

and it takes me back to all those
wonderful years we had together.

It made a world of difference.

I wanna thank you.
You really helped me.

You have no idea how nice it is
to hear that.

[BEEPING]

Would you excuse me?

It's time for me to take
one of my many pills.

- Make yourself at home.
- Thank you.

[THUD]

- What was that?
- Nothing. Nothing.

- I just knocked your ashtray over.
- Well, I hope it wasn't damaged.

My grandson made that for me
at summer camp.

Oh, no, it's intact.
Not the tiniest chip.

Oh, good. Set it back on the table.

You know how attached you get
to family things.

- Do you have children, Dr Crane?
- Well, yes.

Dr Crane, are you on the floor?

I was just tying my shoelace.

Yes, yes, I have a son.
I'd much rather hear about your family.

Well, I got four sons
and one daughter.

You wouldn't happen to be single now
by any chance, would you, Dr Crane?

As a matter of fact, I am.

So is my daughter.
I'll tell you about her first.

She's a sweet thing. Beautiful too.

Just like her mother.
Same cheekbones, same nose.

And what a lovely nose it is.

So there are four of us in the raft,

and I see we're heading
into a patch of white water.

Suddenly, we slam into a rock,
and the next thing I know,

my teeth are flying
into the Colorado River.

I damned near dived in after them.

Those teeth cost more
than the whole trip.

- You've had quite a life.
- I suppose.

Never got arrested, though.
Oh, good for you.

It wasn't so great.

You know, it was the first time
I ever got pulled over

and couldn't flirt my way past it.

Oh, that's almost as bad as the first
time somebody calls you ma'am.

That happened the other day.

It's been kind of a rough week.

I bet I know just what you're thinking.

"This is only the beginning.
It's only gonna get worse from here."

Well, yeah.

Let me tell you something.

I'm 81 now.

And every morning,
I open my eyes,

and I see the sun
streaming through the window.

I hear the birds chirping.

I smell the coffee brewing
down the hall.

And I walk into the bathroom,
and I look into the mirror.

- Do you know what I say to myself?
- What?

[SCREAMS]

What the hell is that?

That's the second thing I say.

The point is, it is only gonna get worse
from where you are right now.

What did you want me to say?

Life gets better
with every passing year?

You wanna hear that,
you go talk to Mrs Adelman.

You can't miss her.
She's the one in the TV room

with the inflatable seahorse
around her waist.

Well, you're not making me feel
any better, Moira.

Because I can't.

Nobody likes to get older, but it
doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself.

I'll tell you a funny story.

Last Thursday, I hacked into
the main computer here

and changed the schedule.

So now I get all my sponge baths
from Eduardo.

You're kidding me.

Look, you're way too young
to be concerned about all this.

Don't waste the best years of your life

worrying about something
you can't control.

I know. I know you're right.

You know, I wouldn't care about
getting older if I thought my mind

was gonna be as sharp
as yours is.

Sharp?

I'll tell you a funny story.

Last Thursday, I hacked into
the main computer here

and changed the schedule,

and now I get all my sponge baths
from Eduardo.

With the exception of not being able
to watch Willie Mays steal second,

or Michael Jordan
on a breakaway dunk,

not a whole lot
I feel like I missed out on.

Listen, have you got
any glue around here?

I don't think so. Why?

Well, the onyx
has popped out of my cuff link,

and I was just hoping
I might be able to reaffix it.

The closest thing I have is
denture adhesive. It's on the dresser.

Oh, good, good.
Well, it's worth a try.

Oh, these pills may keep me alive,
but they sure don't keep me awake.

- You find it?
- Yes.

Yes, you know,
I think this just might do the trick.

You know,
the worst part about all this

is I used to be the kind of person
who never got tired.

Well, you know, then, perhaps maybe
we should take a brisk walk.

- Get that old circulation going.
- No, that's okay.

It's close to my bedtime anyway.

Seems like you have a visitor,
Norman.

Come in.

Come in.

It's probably Mrs Adelman. She was
an Avon lady before she lost her mind.

Well, you know...
My goodness, that is a smashing robe.

I'm in the market for one like it.

Stand up. Maybe I can
read the label.

Come over here and have a look.

I seem to be sitting on something.

Oh, my cuff link.

All right, you know, here, I'll just place
it back in here carefully and...

Well, there we go.
Good as new.

Yes, well, Norman,

I can't tell you what a nice time
it's been spending a day with you.

- It was nice of you to drop by.
- My pleasure.

Oh, you're over there.

Well, yeah, I was just having
one last look at Helen.

Isn't she beautiful?
Such delicate features.

They certainly are.

Well, Norman,

it was a real pleasure.

- I hope you keep listening to my show.
- I sure will.

You're a good man.

Not a lot of people left
with your kind of integrity.

Norman...

...I have a little confession
to make.

I didn't...

I didn't drop your ashtray.
I dropped the mask.

And the nose broke off.

I feel just terrible.

Oh, that's why you needed
my denture adhesive.

- Yes.
- Well, usually it works pretty well.

I must've dropped that mask ten times.

I am blind, you know.

Certainly is a relief to hear that.

Well, you know, I'd better get out of
here before I do any further damage.

It was great meeting you.

Want me to leave
the light on or off?

Surprise me.