Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 12 - Come Lie with Me - full transcript

MORNING.

MORNING.

MORNING?!

OH, MY GOD!

JOE, GET UP! GET UP!

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GONE!

YOU PROMISED THAT
AFTER WE DID THE DEED

YOU'D BE ON YOUR MERRY WAY.

I WAS.

GET DRESSED.

I'VE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE



BEFORE DR. CRANE GETS UP.

OH, NO. I SMELL COFFEE.

THEY'RE ALREADY UP.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL
JUST LAY LOW UNTIL...

OH, MY GOD! IT'S 9:00!

I'M LATE FOR WORK!

I'LL GET RID OF THEM.

WHERE'S MY UNDERWEAR?

EDDIE!

GET BACK HERE!

( Martin groans)

GOOD MORNING.

MAYBE FOR YOU.

I JUST SPENT FIVE MINUTES
TRYING TO BUTTON THESE PANTS.



THAT STUPID DRYER
SHRUNK ANOTHER PAIR ON ME!

DAD...

BEFORE YOU BLAME THE DRYER

HAVE YOU CONSIDERED
STEPPING ON THE SCALE?

WHAT'S THE POINT?

THAT THING'S BEEN TEN
POUNDS OFF FOR WEEKS.

DAPHNE?

OH... GOOD MORNING, DR. CRANE.

SORRY I OVERSLEPT.

WELL, TIME WE ALL
GOT OUR DAY STARTED.

I'LL JUST CLEAR
THESE DISHES AWAY.

I WASN'T FINISHED WITH
THAT LONG JOHN YET.

OOPS! SORRY ABOUT THAT.

DAPHNE, I WASN'T QUITE

FINISHED WITH THAT TOAST.

WE CAN'T HAVE YOU PLAYING SQUASH

ON A FULL STOMACH.

HOW MANY CHAMPIONSHIP
MATCHES HAVE BEEN MARRED

BY THE HEARTBREAK
OF TOAST CRAMPS?

DON'T YOU HAVE THAT
DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT?

YEAH! IN 20 MINUTES.

WHY ARE WE GETTING
THE BUM'S RUSH?

"BUM'S RUSH."

I JUST LOVE THE
AMERICAN VERNACULAR.

SO CUTE. SO QUAINT. SO LONG.

OKAY! I GOT TO GET
MY WALLET FIRST.

OH, THESE DAMN PANTS!

YOU SPEND $15 ON A
GOOD PAIR OF PANTS

YOU EXPECT THEM TO
BE SHRINK RESISTANT.

WHEN YOU SPEND
THAT KIND OF MONEY

YOU'RE PAYING FOR
THE DESIGNER NAME.

I GOT TO GO.

I GOT TO GO.

I'M SO LATE.

HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

OKAY. BYE.

OH.

HELLO, JOE.

HI, DR. CRANE.

I JUST CAME BY TO
GIVE DAPHNE A KISS.

AND DROP OFF THESE SHOES.

HERE.

OH, THANK YOU.

WELL, CAN ANYONE
THINK OF ANYTHING

TO MAKE THIS MOMENT MORE AWKWARD

THAN IT ALREADY IS?

THANK YOU, EDDIE.

Frasier: Oh, thank
you very much.

LOOK. ISN'T THAT DIRK
AND GABBY BINDERKOTT?

FRIENDS OF YOURS?

FILTHY RICH. TIMBER MONEY.

IN THEIR CASE, IT REALLY
DOES GROW ON TREES.

DIRK! GABBY!

OH, DIRK!

( sighs)

HELLO, NILES.

DIRK BINDERKOTT, MY
BROTHER, DR. FRASIER CRANE.

AH, I'VE HEARD YOUR PROGRAM.

WELL, I'VE SEEN YOUR WIFE.

SO, NILES

I SUPPOSE I'LL SEE YOU
AT THE BENEFIT ON SUNDAY.

I KNOW MARIS IS COMING.

YES. SUNDAY.

WHICH BENEFIT IS SUNDAY?

I HAVE SO MANY
BENEFITS ON SUNDAY.

THE "HOEDOWN FOR THE HOMELESS."

YOU WERE INVITED?

THE HOEDOWN? YIPPIE-YI-YES!

( horn honking)

THAT MUST BE GABBY.

CERTAINLY SOUNDS LIKE HER.

SO...

SEE YOU SUNDAY.

YES. TILL... TILL SUNDAY.

WELL...

I WASN'T INVITED.

NILES, IT'S ONE PARTY.

WHEN YOU'RE OFF THE
"A" LIST FOR ONE PARTY

YOU'RE OFF FOR ALL OF THEM.

I'LL BE RELEGATED TO
"B" LIST CHARITY EVENTS...

GRUBBY LITTLE THEATER
COMPANIES AND LAST YEAR'S DISEASES.

IT OFTEN HAPPENS IN THESE CASES.

WHEN TWO PEOPLE SEPARATE

THEIR FRIENDS CHOOSE
ONE SPOUSE OVER THE OTHER.

I'M SURE THEY JUST CHOSE MARIS

BECAUSE SHE'S BETTER CONNECTED
AND HAS MORE MONEY THAN YOU DO.

EXACTLY WHICH PART OF THAT
WAS MEANT TO EASE MY PAIN?

NILES, I JUST THINK
YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

WAIT. WAIT. I KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.

MY INVITATION JUST
GOT LOST IN THE MAIL.

IT'S NOT SO FARFETCHED.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN MISSORTED

OR A STAMP FELL OFF

OR IT COULD HAVE BEEN
STOLEN BY MY MAIL CARRIER.

HOEDOWNS ARE CATNIP
TO POSTAL WORKERS.

WELL, I'D ASK YOU

TO EXPLAIN THAT

BUT THEN YOU WOULD.

I'M GOING TO GO CHECK

WITH THE POST OFFICE.

I HEARD ABOUT A MAN WHO
BOUGHT A PIANO AT AUCTION.

HE FOUND A 40-YEAR-OLD UNMAILED
LETTER UNDER THE SOUNDING BOARD.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD CONTACT
FERRANTE AND TEICHER...

SEE IF THEY HAVE
YOUR INVITATION.

POKE FUN NOW.

WE'LL SEE WHO FEELS
FOOLISH THIS SUNDAY

WHEN I'M SIPPING CHAMPAGNE
ATOP A MECHANICAL BULL.

CAPPUCCINO, PLEASE.

ROZ, I'D LIKE TO GET
YOUR TAKE ON SOMETHING.

WHAT?

WELL... DAPHNE AND JOE ARE
HAVING SEX IN MY APARTMENT

AND IT... IT LEAVES ME IN A
RATHER AWKWARD POSITION.

DOING WHAT, BENDING OVER
TO LOOK THROUGH THE KEYHOLE?

OH, FRASIER, COME ON.

WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?

LET'S SAY I'M SITTING
THERE LISTENING TO MUSIC

OR READING A BOOK AND...

YOU KNOW... DAPHNE
AND JOE ARE...

BACK THERE...

SO?

WELL, IT JUST MAKES
ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

I'M GOING TO ASK DAPHNE

NOT TO SLEEP WITH JOE
IN THE HOUSE ANYMORE.

IS THAT TOO..?

AMISH?

I WAS GOING TO SAY SELFISH.

OH, LET'S SEE.

"PLEASE, DAPHNE, DON'T HAVE SEX.

IT DISTURBS MY READING."

NO, THAT'S NOT TOO SELFISH.

A MAN SHOULDN'T BE
UNCOMFORTABLE IN HIS OWN HOME.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RELAX

WHEN EVERY GIGGLE, EVERY
NOISE, IT'LL MAKE ME, YOU KNOW.

PICTURE IT?

OH! OF COURSE NOT.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

THE VERY IDEA!

YOU'RE PICTURING IT
RIGHT NOW, AREN'T YOU?

WELL, YOU MADE ME!

( door opening)

HI, FRAS.

HI, DAD.

IS DAPHNE IN?

YEAH. IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE

YOU'LL PRETEND NOTHING
HAPPENED THIS MORNING.

AH, YES, DENIAL.

JUST THE ADVICE I WOULD EXPECT

FROM A MAN WHOSE
DRIVER'S LICENSE

STILL LISTS HIS HAIR COLOR

AS BROWN.

IT WAS UNTIL YOU
CAME BACK TO TOWN.

DAPHNE, UH...

I THINK WE NEED TO DISCUSS
WHAT HAPPENED THIS MORNING.

OH, IT'S BEEN
BOTHERING ME ALL DAY.

IT WAS ENTIRELY MY FAULT.

NO, I SHARE THE BLAME.

WE NEVER HAD A FORMAL DISCUSSION

ABOUT THE RULES OF
THE HOUSE. ESPECIALLY...

WHEN IT COMES TO...

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE

FOR ANY EMBARRASSMENT
I MAY HAVE CAUSED.

WE CAN'T GO TO JOE'S

BECAUSE HE'S STILL
BUILDING HIS HOUSE

AND HE SLEEPS ON
A FRIEND'S COUCH.

I CAN ASSURE YOU IT
WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

WELL, THEN, OUR
BUSINESS IS CONCLUDED.

MEETING ADJOURNED.

YES, THE NEXT TIME
JOE SPENDS THE NIGHT

I'LL NOTIFY YOU

WELL IN ADVANCE.

DAPHNE...

I WAS JUST REVIEWING THE MINUTES

OF OUR LAST MEETING.

THERE SEEMS TO
BE SOME CONFUSION.

OH?

MY QUIBBLE IS NOT WITH
THE LACK OF NOTIFICATION.

I AM JUST NOT COMFORTABLE

WITH YOU AND JOE SLEEPING
TOGETHER UNDER MY ROOF.

OH, I SEE.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT

BUT IT IS MY ROOM, ISN'T IT?

YES, AND I WANT YOU
TO FEEL COMFORTABLE.

I SUPPOSE IT'S MORE IMPORTANT

FOR YOU TO FEEL COMFORTABLE

BECAUSE IT IS YOUR ROOF.

WELL... THANK YOU
FOR UNDERSTANDING.

JOE AND I ARE GOING
AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND.

FIRST THING MONDAY

I'M GOING TO START LOOKING

FOR MY OWN PLACE.

GUESS WHO.

DAPHNE, I DON'T WANT
YOU ENTERTAINING HERE

BUT I ALSO DON'T
WANT YOU TO MOVE OUT.

I SHOULD STAY, BUT NOT
HAVE A PERSONAL LIFE.

THAT WORKS OUT FINE FOR ME.

I'LL SPEND ALL DAY
WAITING ON YOU.

THEN, IN THE EVENINGS,
RETIRE TO MY ROOM

WRAP MYSELF UP AND
WAIT FOR MORNING.

IF MY WHIMPERING
GETS TOO LOUD FOR YOU

YOU CAN JUST HAVE
ME FIXED LIKE EDDIE.

THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT.

THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR
BOTH OF US, DAPHNE.

I HAVE TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS.

I ALSO DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.

YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO US.

THAT'S WHY MY SOLUTION IS BEST.

I'LL BE HERE DURING THE DAY

TO CARE FOR YOUR FATHER.

NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS

I'LL GO HOME TO MY OWN PLACE.

ON TOP OF WHICH, YOU
CAN TURN THIS ROOM

BACK INTO YOUR BEAUTIFUL
STUDY YOU USED TO HAVE.

I SUPPOSE. WHAT OTHER
CHOICE DO WE HAVE?

OF COURSE, IT WILL BE A
PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT FOR US.

I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU
TWO CARE ABOUT ME

AND CONSIDER ME PART
OF THE FAMILY, BUT...

YOU'RE PICTURING YOUR
STUDY RIGHT NOW, AREN'T YOU?

WELL, YOU MADE ME.

Martin: ♪ SHE'S SUCH
A GROOVY LADY... ♪

MORNING, DAD.

OH, MORNING.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE PHONE?

I LEFT IT IN MY
ROOM AGAIN. SORRY.

HEY, I'M MAKING
BREAKFAST BURRITOS.

YOU WANT ONE?

EL PASO.

SUIT YOURSELF.

DAD, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
THE SILK PAJAMAS I BOUGHT YOU?

OH, FRASIER, THEY'RE
TOO LA-DEE-DA FOR ME.

BESIDES, THEY SHRANK.

( bell dings)

OOP. THERE GO MY TATER TOTS.

YOU WANT A PILE?

NOT THAT I DON'T ENJOY
A PILE OF BREAKFAST

AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY

BUT I STILL THINK NO.

ARE YOU PLANNING ON GOING
AROUND LIKE THAT ALL WEEKEND?

YEAH, WHY NOT?

DAPHNE'S OFF ON HER LITTLE TRIP.

IT'S JUST US GUYS.

BESIDES, I'VE BEEN WEARING
PANTS AROUND HERE

FOR THREE YEARS.

ENOUGH.

I SEE. LOOK, I JUST
HAVE TO DO THIS.

THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.

NOW, LISTEN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL

BUT I COULDN'T FIND
THE REMOTE CONTROL

FOR THE TV LAST NIGHT.

WE AGREED ITS PLACE WAS ON
THAT TABLE NEXT TO MY CHAIR.

WHAT WAS IT LIKE

WHEN YOU HAD TO GET UP
TO CHANGE THE CHANNELS?

IT WAS HELL.

( doorbell rings)

YOU EXPECTING SOMEONE?

CONTRACTOR.

GETTING AN ESTIMATE
ON RESTORING MY STUDY.

WHY DON'T YOU USE JOE?

JOE'S DONE ENOUGH WORK
IN THAT ROOM, THANK YOU.

HENRY, THANK YOU FOR
COMING ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

NO SWEAT.

I'LL JUST SHOW YOU TO THE ROOM.

OH, THIS IS MY FATHER.

DON'T GET UP.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE?

YEAH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

THE ROOM'S TO THE RIGHT.

I'LL MEET YOU THERE.

OH, AND, DAD

THIS IS A SMALL THING

BUT YOU LEFT THE
SPONGE IN THE SINK AGAIN.

SO?

IF IT STAYS WET, NOT ONLY
DOES IT BEGIN TO SMELL

BUT IT BECOMES A BREEDING
GROUND FOR BACTERIA.

SO?

SO, IF I WERE TO SAY

"WIPE UP THAT SALSA
YOU JUST SPILLED"

I WOULD BE LEAVING
BEHIND BACTERIA

SUCH AS SALMONELLA,
LISTERIA, SHIGELLA.

WOULDN'T THAT BOTHER YOU?

YEAH, IT WOULD BOTHER ME.

I WOULDN'T DREAM OF
TOUCHING THAT SPONGE NOW.

( whistles)

AH, YES.

OUR OWN FOUL-BREATHED,
LITTLE HANDIWIPE.

YOU'VE BEEN LEAVING
LIGHTS ON ALL WEEKEND.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
DOES TO THE ELECTRIC BILL?

AS OPPOSED TO THE
NUCLEAR POWER PLANT

THEY BUILT TO KEEP THAT
TELEVISION ON DAY AND NIGHT?

YOU MOVED MY CHAIR AGAIN

DIDN'T YOU?

NO.

MAYBE EDDIE DID IT.

EDDIE, DID YOU MOVE MY CHAIR?

FRASIER SAID HE DIDN'T DO IT.

ALL RIGHT, I MOVED
YOUR DAMN CHAIR.

THE WAY YOU HAVE IT TURNED

RUINS THE SYMMETRY OF THE ROOM.

THE SIGHT LINE LOSES ALL FLOW.

OH, THE SIGHT LINE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS FOR
SOME DUMB REASON.

( doorbell rings)

GET EDDIE OFF OF THE COUCH

OR IT'S OUT TO THE GARBAGE CHUTE
FOR THE THRILL RIDE OF HIS LIFE.

WELL, HOWDY, PARTNER.

SAVE YOUR SNIPPY REMARKS.

FAIR ENOUGH.

SAY, AM I CRAZY

OR IS THERE A BRIGHT
GOLDEN HAZE ON THE MEDDER?

STOP IT.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF A SOCIAL CRISIS.

I JUST DROVE TO THE
HOEDOWN FOR THE HOMELESS

ASSUMING THAT MARIS
HAD SIMPLY NEGLECTED

TO FORWARD MY INVITATION.

WELL, NOT ONLY WAS I
NOT ON THE GUEST LIST

BUT NELSON THE PARKING ATTENDANT

SAID HE MISSED ME AT
THE LUAU FOR LUPUS.

NOW IT'S OFFICIAL.

I AM A SOCIAL OUTCAST.

WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE
ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE?

IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED

THEY PRETEND YOU
DON'T EVEN EXIST.

THEY TREAT YOU
LIKE YOU'RE A LEPER.

BUT I REALLY, REALLY LIKE THEM.

I KNOW. IT MAKES
ME SOUND PATHETIC

BUT I'M NEWLY SEPARATED.

THESE PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLE

FOR TEN YEARS.

FRASIER, THEY'RE MY TRIBE.

WELL, I HATE TO
BREAK THIS TO YOU

WALTZES WITH SNOBS, BUT...

THEY HAVE LEFT YOU ON
THE MOUNTAINTOP TO DIE.

MAYBE YOUR FRIENDS
WANTED TO INVITE YOU

BUT THEY PROBABLY THOUGHT
YOU'D BE UPSET SEEING MARIS THERE.

OF COURSE.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

WHY ARE YOU SO NEGATIVE?

THESE PEOPLE DO CARE ABOUT ME.

CALL THEM. PROVE
TO ME I'M WRONG.

WHERE'S YOUR PHONE?

IT'S IN MY BEDROOM.

AND DAD'S SHAVER
IS IN THE KITCHEN.

YOU SEE, ALL OUR APPLIANCES ARE
ON AN ADVENTURE THIS WEEKEND.

WELL, ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?

STIRRING THINGS UP.

LET HIM THINK HIS FRIENDS
WERE DOING HIM A FAVOR.

THE MARTIN CRANE APPROACH...
BETTER LIVING THROUGH DENIAL.

DAPHNE TOO.

YOU COULDN'T PRETEND
NOTHING WAS GOING ON.

DAD, I'M A PSYCHIATRIST.

I DON'T PRETEND.

I CONFRONT, I RESOLVE.

YOU REALLY RESOLVED THIS.

NOW SHE'S MOVING OUT.

YOU JUST GO LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.

THAT IS SO UNTRUE.

AND PERHAPS YOU
CAN EXPLAIN THIS.

A GROWN MAN'S
OBSESSION WITH A SPONGE?

NO, I CAN'T.

I HAVE ASKED YOU
AS POLITELY AS I CAN

TO WRING OUT THE SPONGE

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE
THE CONSIDERATION

TO RESPECT MY FEELINGS.

YOUR FEELINGS ARE STUPID.

THEY'RE MY FEELINGS

AND IMPORTANT TO ME.

YOU SHOULD HAVE THE
COURTESY TO RESPECT THEM.

JUST LIKE YOU
RESPECT MY FEELINGS

WHEN I ASKED YOU
NOT TO MOVE MY CHAIR.

THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

YOU WANT ME TO DRY THAT SPONGE

I'LL DRY THAT SPONGE.

GIVE IT ABOUT A MINUTE.

OH, THAT'S MATURE!

OH, WHAT A TORTURED

LITTLE WORLD YOU LIVE IN.

NEWSPAPERS STREWN
ALL OVER THE PLACE

SPONGE GERMS AFTER YOU.

IT'S A WONDER YOU
CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT.

MY DREAMS GET ME BY.

LIKE THE ONE WHERE I
STRAP YOU IN YOUR CHAIR

AND RUN AROUND THE HOUSE

TURNING ON ALL THE LIGHTS

EVEN IN THE ROOMS
I'M NOWHERE NEAR.

BOY, THAT ELECTRIC METER
MUST REALLY BE SPINNING NOW!

EVENING, ALL.

DID YOU BOYS HAVE
A NICE WEEKEND?

GREAT. BARREL OF LAUGHS.

WELL, I HAD THE LOVELIEST TIME.

HEY, OFF.

WE FOUND THIS LITTLE
BED AND BREAKFAST

RIGHT UP THE COAST.

I TALKED MY DECISION
OVER WITH JOE

AND HE AGREED IT REALLY IS
THE BEST THING FOR EVERYONE.

I'LL STILL BE HERE
DURING THE DAY

TO HELP YOUR FATHER
WITH HIS EXERCISES.

BUT NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS

IT'LL JUST BE THE TWO OF
YOU CAREFREE BACHELORS

GETTING INTO TROUBLE TOGETHER.

I'M USUALLY JUST UNDER
FOOT AROUND HERE ANYWAY.

SO, YOU SEE, MY DECISION
IS BEST FOR EVERYONE.

WELL, I'VE HAD A LONG WEEKEND

SO GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, DAPHNE.

FRASIER...

WHAT?

YOU KNOW HOW AN OREO
HAS THAT SOFT CREAMY FILLING

BETWEEN TWO HARD COOKIES?

THAT'S WHAT KEEPS THEM TOGETHER.

I SEE YOUR POINT, DAD.

DAPHNE'S KIND OF THE CENTER.

I'LL GO AND TALK TO HER.

NOW, YOU AND ME, WE'D
BE THE COOKIE PART.

I GET IT.

MAY I COME IN?

YES, OF COURSE.

THANK YOU, DAPHNE.

DAPHNE, UH...

YOU CAN'T GO. YOU HAVE TO STAY.

I'VE JUST REALIZED

HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE TO US.

SEE, IF YOU GO, DAD AND
I, WE'LL KILL EACH OTHER.

I'M NOT JUST

TOSSING OUT HYPERBOLE HERE.

DAD AND I, BOTH DEAD.

ONLY HE'LL BE LYING THERE

WITH A BACTERIA-RIDDEN SPONGE
PROTRUDING FROM HIS MOUTH

LIKE A BLOATED TONGUE.

YOU DON'T REALLY WANT THAT
ON YOUR CONSCIENCE, DO YOU?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I DO STILL THINK OF
THIS PLACE AS MY HOME

BUT I KNOW YOU'D
NEVER BE COMFORTABLE

KNOWING JOE AND I WERE...

I'D, I'D, I'D BE WILLING TO TRY.

I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN THAT.

IT'LL BOTHER YOU, AND
WE'LL BOTH BE MISERABLE.

WHY CAN'T I GET PAST THIS?

IT WOULD JUST BE EASIER
IF I COULD BE LIKE MY FATHER

AND PRETEND YOU WEREN'T
IN HERE MAKING LOVE.

MAKING LOVE?

IS THAT WHAT YOU
THINK WE WERE DOING?

YES, OF COURSE.

OH, NO. THERE WAS NOTHING
LIKE THAT GOING ON IN HERE.

REALLY?

IT SEEMS RATHER IMPLAUSIBLE.

EVEN IF I'D LIKE

TO BELIEVE THAT

AND, BELIEVE ME, I
REALLY DO WANT TO...

HOW CAN I?

WELL, HOW COULD
JOE AND I MAKE LOVE

WHAT WITH JOE'S WAR INJURY?

OH. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
JOE WAS A SOLDIER.

WHAT WAR WOULD THAT BE?

THE FALKLAND ISLANDS.

BUT THAT WAS A BRITISH CONFLICT.

HIS PARENTS HAD A
SUMMER HOUSE THERE.

OH, THAT'S VERY UNFORTUNATE

TAKING A SUMMER
HOUSE IN A WAR ZONE.

BUT HOW..?

HE WAS KICKED BY A SHEEP.

A SHEEP?

YES, A SHEEP SPOOKED
BY AN AIR RAID SIREN.

WORK WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT, UM, SO...

WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING IS THAT JOE...

CAN'T.

AH.

WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT
CHANGES EVERYTHING.

YES, I SUPPOSE IT DOES.

BUT JUST SO AS WE'RE CLEAR.

EVEN THOUGH THERE'S
NO ACTUAL LOVEMAKING

JOE AND I CAN, ON OCCASION, SAY,
READ POEMS TO EACH OTHER IN HERE

AT NIGHT?

AS LONG AS YOU DON'T
READ TOO LOUDLY.

SHE'S STAYING.

OH.

TURNS OUT

THEY'RE SLEEPING TOGETHER

BUT NOT HAVING SEX.

YOU SEE, THEY CAN'T HAVE SEX

BECAUSE OF AN
INJURY JOE SUFFERED

WHEN KICKED BY A SPOOKED
SHEEP DURING AN AIR RAID

WHILE HIS FAMILY WAS VACATIONING
IN THE FALKLAND ISLANDS

DURING THE WAR.

WELL, DAD WAS RIGHT.

THEY ARE MY REAL FRIENDS.

IT WAS ALL JUST A
MISUNDERSTANDING.

APPARENTLY

THE SOCIAL CHAIRMAN'S
DOG ATE MY INVITATION.

THE POOR ANIMAL
HAD TO GO TO THE VET.

AND WITH ALL THE CONFUSION,
THEY FORGOT TO SEND ME ANOTHER.

AND WHEN I OFFERED
MY NEW ADDRESS

FOR NEXT YEAR'S PARTY

THEY SAID, "NO NEED.

WE'LL SEE YOU AROUND."

I'M GOING TO START
WEARING SWEATPANTS.

THAT DAMN DRYER AGAIN.

YOU GUYS WANT SOME COOKIES?

THEY'RE REDUCED FAT.

REALLY? THAT MEANS WE
CAN EAT TWICE AS MANY.

YES, WOULDN'T THAT BE LOVELY?

I DON'T USUALLY EAT
THIS KIND OF COOKIE...

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