Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 14 - Daphne Does Dinner - full transcript

Mimsy, wait!

Please
I can explain!
Oh, don't bother.

And I bet you don't
even have Tourette's Syndrome!

Poop!

Hell! Damn!

Oh!

Lose my number!

Chef Etienne!

Oh, dear God.

I hope you're happy.

Me?



You're the one who suggested that flaming kabobs

might lend a festive air.

I didn't know Ben Corbett'toupee would go up like that.

Oh, quiet, both of you.

It's done.

Buon giorno!

NILES:
Party's over, Dad.

You mean, I'm
not the Count anymore?

Afraid not.

Why is it that we can't seem

to pull off
a simple dinner party?

Because you always go overboard.

Yes, but this one
was bare bones!

Simplicity itself.



One of your goats
just threw up in the kitchen.

(goat bleating)

Oh!

NILES:
Oh, hello.

How goes
the installation?

Well, we had to put in
a transformer for the
DC,

so after we pull the wires, brace the beam,

she'll be ready to roll.

Ah.

Daphne, Daphne.

You know the Mike Shaw
painting

that I'm donating
to the museum?

Frasier suggested we throw
a farewell dinner party for it.

We've invited
some fellow collectors.

Um, Niles,
I've been thinking.

Come and sit down, darling.

Maybe it's time

you stopped throwing
dinner parties

with your brother.

What?

You don't exactly have
the best track record.

Well, throwing dinner parties
is an art.

It takes time to perfect.

No.

But...

No.

No, it has to stop.
53
00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:17,203
Maybe you and I should try
throwing a party together.

You and me?

It's such a big step.

Are you sure?

Maybe it's time we
entertained as a couple.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Excuse me.

It's after 4:00.
What if I finish this tomorrow?

Well, I suppose...

Oh, no,
you don't.

You said one day
when I hired you

and that's what it's going to be.

So get crackin
g

'cause something's going to be hanging

from that rafter
by the end of the day.

Yes, ma'am.

Daphne, you handled that
so masterfully

as if he weren't wearing

that authoritative
tool belt at all.

Oh, Niles, Niles.
Thank goodness you're here.

I am simply percolating
with party ideas.

(sighs)

Listen.
Have you thought
of inviting

the artist himself?

He lives in town, you know?

Yes, I extended an invitation
through his gallery

but he declined.

Oh. That's too bad.

Well, then, I have come up

with the perfect entertainment
for our little art crowd.

It's a radical tableau
vivant troupe.

I don't know.

But they do provide
smocks and shower caps

so we're covered.

Frasier, Daphne and I
are throwing the party.

Daphne.

Ah, fine. Suit yourself.

It's your painting.

I suppose I could just whip up
my signature dish.

Daphne's handling the food.

Lovely.

So you'll be serving
those sad brown chunks

that make their way
from plate to napkin

bypassing mouth completely.

It's called
"Piccadilly Beef"

and I talked her
out of it, thank God.

The whole thing's
being catered.

We're having Cornish
game hens

wild rice stuffing,
wonderful sides

and all heat and serve.

Stuffin'!

Lovely.

I think you'd be happy
to be just a guest for once.

Just a guest!

In my brother's home.

I've never been
just a guest before.

Before, I always felt
like family.

Oh, look,
here she is now.

The hostess
with the mostest.

I see Niles told you.

Yes. I'm sorry

I won't be attending
your debut soiree, Daphne.

I hope that doesn't throw off your seating plan.

It's going to be a buffet.

Buffet!

Well, if you should
need any help

you know my phone number.

Number three
on our speed dial.

Number three.

Interesting.

I can't believe
how calm you are.

I'd be a nervous wreck by now.

Well, I was nervous at first

but every step I thought,

"How would Frasier
and Niles do this?"

And didn't do that.

MRS. MOON:
Daphne, I'm home!

Coming, Mom!

Where's the video?

I thought you were
going to rent Castaway.

If I wanted to watch
someone talk to a volleyball

for two hours, I would have
stayed in Manchester

with your Aunt Evelyn.

Well, what are
you going to do all night?

Oh, you needn't worry
about me.

I'm going to watch a boxing match

on pay-per-view.

There's nothing like
two, great, sweaty beasts

beating each other senseless.

I miss your father.

Come on, Alice

It's time to put
away your crayons.

Lookit.

I wrote my name
really big.

see.
Oh, let's

There and there and there

and there.

(gasps)

Oh, my God!

Alice!

Oh, Daphne, I'm so sorry

Oh, it's not to worry.

It'll come out.

It's only
a little crayon.

That's worse.

I can handle this.

Niles has an art restorer
he uses all the time.

I'll get his card.

I'm sorry, Mommy.

I know, honey.

But from now on,

just only sign
your own artwork, okay?

'Cause mine is prettier.

Yeah.

Here's his business card.

Okay, I'll run it right over.

Just tell him it's
an emergency.

s.
We're very good customer

I'm just glad Niles isn't here.

He doesn't take these things in his stride like I do.

There.

Another fire put out.

Oh, my God! The hens.

Oh, my God!

Okay, don't panic.

I can handle this.

Oh, look at that!

Daphne, now what
are you going to do?

Well, I can't call
the caterer.

They were doing a big party
and we were their last stop.

Oh, I know. Call Frasier.

He's got to know some caterers

Well, he was upset
that I took over his job

as Lord Mayor of Party Town,
but he did offer his help.

I hope he meant it.

Go, take the painting.

Yes. Come on, Alice.

Good luck.

Daphne, you're never going

to get a caterer
at this late hour.

But don't worry,

I think I can solve
your little problem.

I'll be right there.

As usual, Frasier
has to save the day.

As usual, Martin has
to hear about it.

Suit up, boys, we're going in.

All right, I need a full
rundown of the situation.

Well, I think I told
you about the hens
Mm-hmm.

which I burned
Ooh.

Um, I'm hoping we have enough ice, and...

Mm-hmm.

I probably shouldn't have dressed

the salad
this afternoon

Oh.

But I'm pretty sure

the soup is okay.

(sniffing)

White wine.

What do you think?
Will we make it?

I feel so stupid. I made a big
deal about telling Niles

how I could handle this
on my own.

All right, all right, listen.

He doesn't have to know.

If you just keep
him out of my way,

I will gladly play
your invisible
little kitchen elf

You would do that for me?

Oh, of course, Daphne!

Now, listen, I've brought
everything I need

to make my signature
pomegranate-honey sauce,
all right?

I will need a ramekin
for each of your guests.

Here we are.

Oh, dear,
this is bad.

What?

Well, there are two
that are mismatched.

It's all right if they're
all mismatched

or... or even in pairs, but two?

It's just unheard of.

NILES:
Daphne?

Oh, my God,
it's Niles.

What should we do?

Don't worry.
I'm right in here.

Ah, sorry I'm late.

You look beautiful.
Darling.

I had the worst time finding
miniature easels for the table.

Oh, but it was worth it.

I think so.

The place looks lovely,

and the new chandelier
is absolutely spectacular.

But why is the painting covered?

Well, because I thought

a proper unveiling
would be an event.

We'll do it after dinner.

Oh, oh, why don't we
do it after cocktails?

It'll make for lively
dinner conversation.

Trust me, after will be better

And by the way, the kitchen is off-limits to you.

You've already slowed me down

(doorbell rings )

Well, someone's tediously punctual. Shall we?

I'll be right out.

Okay.

You know, if he had any resourcefulness at all

he would know that tiny easels abound

at Lilliputiana Dollhouse and Miniatures.

Dad... right.

Listen, I need you
to do me a favor.

I want you to get me
my ramekins, all right,

and then bring them here,

but come in the back way,
so Niles doesn't see you

No, ramekins.

Well, they're small,
round, ceramic dishes.

I keep them in the lower
left-hand kitchen cabinet.

All right, no, no, no,
those are tapas dishes.

Right, those are for soy sauce.

Oh, honestly, Dad, you know

sometimes I think
you listen to me.

I-I said sometimes
I don't think you...

No, I said sometimes I--
I see what you're doing.

Are we the first
to arrive?

Oh, you are
refreshingly on time.

How about some drinks?

Don't mind me.

I'm just down
to nick a bottle of
the good stuff.

They normally hide it from me.

This is my mother,
Gertrude Moon.

Yes, Antonia
and Alex.

Hello.
Pleasure to meet you.

Oh, Mum, as long as you're going upstairs, take the coats.

Yes.
Is this the Mike Shaw painting?

I'm dying to see it.

Oh, oh, sorry.
No peeking.

You'll have
to wait until
the unveiling.

That sounds like a challenge.

You're going to have
to watch me like a hawk.

Won't that be fun?

(loud clatter)

What was that?

Don't worry, Niles, that's my domain.

All right.
Why don't you take

our guest on a tour of the library?

Oh, all right.
This way, this way.

Is it true you still collect
Edwardian utility bills?

Oh, yes. They're fascinating.

For example,
did you know that

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
was a notorious water hog?

But you don't have
to take my word for it.

Frasier!

I dropped a pan;
everything's all right.

MRS. MOON:
Daphne!

For God's sakes, all right!

I'm having trouble
ordering the boxing match.

I don't understand.

This never happens
with the nudie programming.

Give it here.

(doorbell rings)
Oh, damn.

You answer that,
I'll take care of this.

You can come out now.

Honestly, Daphne, if these interruptions don't stop,

my signature sauce will
be reduced to a monogram.

(chuckling)

I'm using humor
to make a point, hmm?

Hello. I'm Daphe's Mum.

I'm Bill...
Don't bother.

I'm just letting you in.

Hi. Is this the Crane place?

I'm Mike Shaw.

Mr. Shaw, we thought we were just going
to see your painting.

We didn't realize you were coming.

That was a last-minute thing.

Uh, call me Mike.

Mike.

Hello.

I'm Gertrude.

rino
I'm Bill Talla

and this is my wife, Sharon Kwiatkowski-Tallarino.

May I just say that

you are our greatest living
American artist, bar none.

Barnone.

(cell phone rings)
Excuse me.

Is there anything worse
than making phony conversation

with phony art lovers?

Yes. Living with one.

My son-in-law is the host.

And if you didn't want your bu
kissed, you shouldn't have come.

That's all they do here.

I wasn't going to come,
but my gallery insisted.

Oh, well, I am going to go
upstairs watching a boxing match

should you feel the need
to get away.

Well, I probably shouldn't
but maybe just the first round.

All right, then.

You wouldn't have
anything to drink
up there, would you?

Just liquor.

So, it actually took
George Bernard Shaw longer

to rectify his billing error

than it did for him
to writeMan and Superman

That's Great.
Are those the drinks?

Yes.
(doorbell rings)

Oh, excuse me.

Bill and Sharon.

Thad and Jeremy, welcome.

Niles!
Niles.

Hey.
Hi!

Where's your better half?

NILES:
Oh, ah,
here she is now.

Oh, I meant Frasier.

My brother's not
coming this evening.

But he's always, always,
always at your parties:

Frasier and yellowtail
carpaccio.

Has the world gone mad?

Not yet. We still
have carpaccio.
(chuckles)

You've got two choices.

You can walk either walk away
from the painting,

or you can limp away
from the painting.

Walk.

Mother, coats.

Yes, Master.

Niles, we are so sorry, we have to go;
we have a baby-sitter.

No, that's terrible.

The worst part is, we're going to miss dinner with Mike Shaw.

I can't believe you got
that old hermit to come.

Mike, Mike Shaw is here?
What?!

Where is he?
He must have wandered off.

He's not at all
like I pictured him--

older guy, white hair, cane.

I think he's wearing
a plaid flannel shirt.

He's quite a character.

Really?

(all talking at once)

Here you go.

Oh, Dad, finally.

If you had said nut bowls,

I would have gotten
them right off.

Yes, yes, all right.
Now, listen.

I need you to run to
the grocery store for me

and pick up somesel de mer,
some olive tapenade,

balsamic vinegar and some
English Stilton cheese.

Have you got that?

You lost me
after Sally's mare.

All right, fine.

I'll write it down

NILES:
Coming right up.

DAPHNE:
Niles, no.

Oh, Dad, hide in there!

Oh, Dad!
Oh, I thought so.

What are you doing here?

I just brought
some dishes over.

Wh...?

You're not supposed
to be in the kitchen, honey.

I don't
know what happened

and I don't want to know how it happened

but somehow, our
guests are all

under the impression
that Dad is Mike Shaw.

Who?

He's the artist-- the painter of the painting

that everyone
is here to see

What are we going to do?

It's not a problem.

We'll take your father
out the back door

and make up an excuse.

Better yet, we'll take him out the front door.

That way, people
can see him leave.

Uh, okay.

You know zero about art;
don't say a word

or these people will see
right through you.

Yeah, I'm sure a phony
will really stand out
at this party.

Oh, this must be
Mr. Shaw.

NILES:
I have very
bad news.

Mr. Shaw is not
feeling well,

so he has to leave.

Oh, oh, I can't...

I can't let you go without
getting your autograph.

And if you could draw
something on it.

Well, actually I do a pretty good rocket.

No, no, Antonia,
Mr. Shaw's not
giving away art.

Just write Mike Shaw.

Now, isn't that nice.

Okay, and there you go.
That's for you.

Come along,
come along.

Please, just say
a few words about

The Dry Wit
of the Sandwich Maker.

Who wants another tour?
Oh, I do.

Get out.

Niles, why don't
we show them the
secret passageway.

Oh, what
a good idea.

(doorbell ringing)

I'll catch up with you.

Don't let them in
the panic room.

Oh, hello.

I'd almost given up on you.

Oh, it's lovely.

Thanks.

And if you don't mind,

I find it's best to get paid

while there's still evidence.

Yes, of course, of course.

I'll tell you what,
if you'll just wheel it

over there by the
dining rotunda

I'll be right with you.

The coast is clear.

Come on, let's get
a bottle of champagne

and go back up.

Hey, you're Mike Shaw.

I studied you in art school.

You're a major influence

That's very flattering.

Now, shall we get back
upstairs for round three?

Uh, she's talking
about the fight.

Of course, the night's
still young.

And here... and that...
and here you go...

and... thank you.

No, no, thank you.

I just met one
of my heroes--
Mike Shaw.

Oh, yes, in the hall?

No, right here.

Don't tell me--

white hair, cane,
plaid shirt, character.

I forgot the list.

NILES:
Mr. Shaw.

Oh, for God's sake

Dad, you're not
supposed to be here.

Niles, you're not
supposed to be here.

And what's in here?

Oh, Mr. Shaw, you came back.

I, uh... felt better.

Then you must talk to us
about your work.

We're collectors,
you know.

Oh, but this
is a party.

I, uh... I...

art all the time.

MAN:
Come on.

Let's get you
another drink.

Fun party.

It's nice to see you step out

of Frasier's shadow.

I think he might have been
holding you back.

Okay, I have to get out there

before Dad says
something stupid.

Let's get these hens browning

so we can eat as soon as
possible...

Mm...

that's Frasier's signature sauce.

Except it's
so much better.

I think you should
send him the recipe.

I'm holding him back.

Your sauce is
better than mine.

Honestly, I don't even
know why I try.

I stand here slaving over
a hot stove, and for what?

Does anybody
appreciate me?

No.

Are you getting close,
Mr. Slovadkin?

These things
take time, Miss.

Who do you think I am,

that mouse in the cartoons
that goes fast?

What's his name?

Speedy Gonzalez.

No.

The little mouse,
with a big hat

and he goes very fast.

That's Speedy Gonzalez.

No. The mouse...

(phone ringing)

This is going to drive
me crazy.

Hello.

I have no idea.

Can't you just stall
dinner for a little while?

All right, don't yell.

My friend wants
to talk to you,
Mr. Slovadkin.

Oh, it's very small.

Hello.

.
I'm going as fast as I can

I'm not that little mouse that goes zip all around.

What's his name?

No. That's what she said

He's a mouse.

What impresses
me the most

is the way you
reinvent identity

while recording
anonymity.

Well, that took
years to get down.

Sure, sure.

Come on,
tell us,

what do you think of Warhol?

Crap.

Kienholz?

Crap.

It is so refreshing

to have someone
speak so candidly.

And you have to believe me
'cause I'm a fancy-ass artist.

(laughing)

MAN:
Oh, hey, I know--

why don't you take us
through the house

and tell us what you
think of Niles's art.

Oh, yes,
please.

Sure.

I've been waiting
to do that

for a long time.

You can't brown
the hens yet.

If we wait any longer,
their skins will wrinkle

and my sauce
will separate.

Is that what
you want?

I...

Is that what
you want?!

NILES:
Daphne.

Damn it.

You're not supposed to be in here!

I'm sorry.

Dad's run amok.

Why aren't the hens browning?

Because they're
not ready yet.

But they look ready.

Yes, well, they're not.

Then we'll just
serve them as is.

You can't,
they're not browned.

.
We're going to

I'm going to get a platter.

Don't open
that door.

Stop that.

I already saw him.

What are you
doing here?

I am saving your party,

that's what I'm doing.

Niles...

You don't have
to explain.

Frasier's presence here

is clearly why this
party's gone awry.

Oh, really?

Well, if that's
what you think,

then I will gladly take my
signature sauce and go.

Your signature sauce?

And that reminds me,

you won't be needing to use my poultry shears.

No, no, no,
you can't.

It's already here.

This is mine.

No, it-it's
on my property.

Oh, stop it!
Stop it, both of you!

Fine!

(all gasping)

What have you done?!

I'm not sorry.

You've been asking
for this for years.

No, it's not
what you think.

See, yummy.

(gasping)

No, no, it's sauce.

We just had a little
kitchen mishap.

We'll just get
this cleaned up.

Wipe yourself
off with this.

Thanks, Dad.

That is no Mike Shaw.

What happened
to my painting?

Did you know
about this, Mike?

I may have.

Oh, give it
up, Martin.

This isn't Mike Shaw.

.
It's Niles's father

What are you trying
to pull, Crane?

This is uncomfortable.

We should go.

DAPHNE:
No, no, no, please,
listen to me. Listen.

Yes, there's been
some deception

and things got out of hand,

but no real harm has been done.

I've made some mistakes.

People make mistakes.

But that's no reason
to abandon them.

This night can still
be a success.

We've got the food,
and you're all here,

and when I tell you about
what happened,

we'll all have a good laugh about it.

So, please, everybody stay?

(all agreeing)

Oh, thank you.

Well done, Daphne.

(loud creaking)

(creaking continues)

Hello.

All right, get your coats.

Daphne...

congratulations.

You're now
officially a Crane.

♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪♪

♪♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪♪

Mercy.

♪♪ And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪♪

♪♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪♪

(laughs)

♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do
♪♪

♪♪ With those tossed salad
s and scrambled eggs ♪♪

♪♪ They'’’re calling again
. ♪♪

Thank you!