Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 1 - The Ring Cycle - full transcript

Ow! All right!
All right, I'll talk!

Just make
the pain stop!

Oh, shut up.

I'm just trying to get the blood flowing.

More like make me
hemorrhage.

Don't tempt me.

Oh, God, you broke something!

Too bad it wasn't your bloody pie hole.

There, we're done, you big baby.

What? Already?

Oh, that felt great. Oh!



I feel like a new man.

I love your new table.

Oh, you're sweet.

Can I make you
a sandwich?

Oh, that'd be great.
Yeah.

Oh, by the way, Daph,

you know, they're showing the first ever episode

of Rockford today.

If you're really serious

about becoming
an American citizen

maybe you ought
to watch it.

Ah...

Well, now you've opened it.
That's mail theft.

Nonsense.



What's going on?
FRASIER:
Nothing.

Just another piece
of Cam Winston's mail

has found its way
into our box.

It's been happening a lot since
we switched mailboxes.

Even after I gave
the postman a stern lecture.

Especially after.

FRASIER:
Anyway, it was
an honest mistake.

Cam and I are on
all the same mailing lists

and I'm sure mine is
in his box.

Besides,
it's nothing personal.

Look, it's just
an announcement

for some place
called La Porte D'Argent.

Probably just another
froufrou restaurant

or froufrou clothing store.

No, no, no.
This is not froufrou, Dad,

as evidenced
by the manly scent of balsam.

They obviously deal with a very upscale clientele.

Hmm.

Oh! La Porte D'Argent.

Someone at the racquet club
was talking about this.

It's very, very exclusive.

Yes?

That's all I know.

Some ill-mannered person
started up his blow dryer

before I could hear any more.

Hello.

NILES:
Oh, Daphne, Daphne,

did I get one of these
in the mail today?

No, I don't think so.

Poor Niles

What's this about?

Oh, they're all worked up
over some smelly invitation

Frasier stole to some place
they never heard of.

Oh.

Yes, but that's what's
so intriguing, Dad.

That there exists
an exclusive place in Seattle

that neither of us knows about.

Could be an art gallery

or-or a new haberdashery.

Or an Italian shoelace boutique.

What's happening?

It's a machine.
Oh.

It's asking me to enter my six-digit access code.

What'll I do?

Why don't you just punch in
whatever keys spell out

"snobby."

You know, it might
be worth a try.

Oh! Denied!

Oh! The allure
of La Porte D'Argent

has increased tenfold.

All right,
here's our plan:

We'll go to
the university computer lab,

bribe some hungry hacker

and once he's tapped into their mainframe

La Porte D'Argent will offer up

her sweet secret
like a blushing bride on her wedding night.

Why don't you just
go down there

and ask them
what they do?

"B."
All right, Dad.
That's a plan

Hello.

Uh, is this La Porte D'Argent?

Yes, it is.

Ah, good.

Say, someone was asking me
earlier today

about La Porte D'Argent

and I had a-a difficult time
characterizing it.

Uh, what would you tell him?

We try to discourage
word of mouth.

That's exactly what I said

So, oh, well,
I'm here to take
advantage of your offer.

Sure. Can I have
your name, please?

Yes.
Frasier Crane

(keyboard keys clacking)

I'm not finding you.

Try Dr. Frasier Crane

Perhaps you've heard
my popular radio show.

I'm not really a radio person.

I'm sorry,

You're not on the list.

I can't let you in.

But I have an invitation.

Yes, but you're not on the list.

Yes, but I do have an invitation.

But you aren't
on the list.

Yes, well,
if I were on the list

then I wouldn't need
an invitation, would I?

I would just say,
"I'm on the list."

Therefore, the invitation
supersedes the list.

No, invitations are given out
only to those on the list.

Aha. But you
do concede

that I have a
valid invitation?

Yes.

Then it naturally follows
that I would be on the list.

But you're not.

Then how did I get
the invitation?

I really don't know.
You could have stolen it.

Are you accusing me
of deception?

Cam! Cam Winston!

(chuckling):
There you are.

(deep voice):
Hello, Frasier

FRASIER: You know, while
I was waiting for you

I decided to test
the mettle of this young man.

I'm pleased to report
that he follows the rules

of La Porte D'Argent
to the letter.

(both laugh)

Anyway

I am a guest
of Mr. Cam Winston's here.

Uh, he told me
to meet him here.

Gave me the invitation,
and here I am.

Yes, I'm Cam Winston, and he's my guest

and I asked him
to meet me here.

Oh!

Here you are, Mr. Winston.

Welcome to La Porte D'Argent.

Ah, thank you.
I hope you both enjoy
your stay.

Take a moment
to look over our services

and I'll be back
in just a moment.

Niles, it's a day spa!

(deep voice):
Good gravy,
this is fantastic.

Would you stop
talking like that?

It's the worst impersonation of Cam Winston

I've ever heard.

You've heard another one?

Of course not.

Then it's the best.

Now you're stuck
talking like that all day.

Here are your keys, gentlemen.

Your aestheticians
will be with you shortly.

you.
(clears throat)
Thank you.

(normal voice):
Thank you.

Oh, good, I've been waiting for that all morning.

Oh, Niles...

the air vetting massage
sounds splendid.

"Two therapists at once

using hot stones"

"and a blend of essential oils

personally created
for your dosha."

I think I'll have
the aroma therapy Swedish.

Oh, Niles.

Look at this bounty.

Take a risk. Be a man.

The "Chardonnay Rose Hips
Salt Glow"?

Now, that's more like it

Oh, lovely

Right this way.

Thank you.
Frasier, Frasier,

river rocks and a stalk of
wheat. Ooh.

Ooh.

(water burbling,
new age music playing)

I knew it was going
to be good,

but I had no idea
it would be this good.

I feel like I've been
rubbed by angels.

Niles, I just wish you had tried

the vasotocin aqua therapy treatment.

I feel as if I've had
a rebirthing experience.

I've never felt better in my life.

I'm so polished,
my entire body is squeaking.

(laughs)

Ah, hello.

How was everything?

Oh...
Heaven.

Nirvana.

I'm so glad.
Now this is a breakdown of your services.

Ah.

(coughs)

Oh.

Nirvana ain't cheap.

Well...

Well, it's worth it,
I suppose.

What do you say we make this

a standing
appointment, Niles?

I think we owe it
to ourselves.
Yes.

I'd be happy
to set that up

Ah!
Now, I've also put together

a personal La Porte D'Argent product system

for each of you

based on the
recommendations of your aestheticians.

Oh, Niles,
this smells great.

Try that.

The mid-afternoon,
antistress spritz.

Mm-hmm.

I've never even heard
of "eyelash conditioner."

Ah.

Hence the brittle lashes.

Hey, isn't that
Senator Ogden?

It is.

Oh, Niles, this just gets
better and better.

Balanced skin
and social advancement

all in one setting.
I'm going to go say hello.

I'm sorry.

That area is restricted
to our Gold Level members.

You have a gold level?

How do you get in?

You'd have to
be on the list.

But we are on the list.

The Gold List.

FRASIER:
This is absurd!

I'm a member of every exclusive club
in this entire town.

You must have a reciprocal
membership with one of them.

I'm sorry.

But you're more than welcome
to enjoy the many amenities

of the Silver Level.

And just how are we
supposed to enjoy this?!

And this isn't working!

(gunfire)

Well, technically,
he's not Maverick in this-- he's Rockford.

Even though we all know
he's secretly Maverick.

I can see why
you like this show.

Yeah.

What's not to like?

Solving crimes,
pretty girls, car chases.

Leisure suits.

Yeah!

Rockford's dad
reminds me of you.

What are you talking about?

Rockford's dad.

You're just like him:
cranky but lovable.

The hell I am.

I'm like Rockford.

How do you get that?

Well, come on.

He solves crimes,
I solved crimes.

We're both in tune
with the beat of the street.

He's the kind of guy
that men want to be

and women want to be with.

When this show first came out,

everybody used to say
I was like Rockford.

I'm sorry, I don't see it.

You still remind me of his dad.

Rocky? But he's old.

Oh, I see.

I didn't mean that.

I just meant
there's something about him

that reminds me of you.

Yeah, his oldness?

Oh, stop it.

If you want to be Rockford,
you can be Rockford.

I don't care.
Fine.

Then let's just watch it.

I don't want to
watch this anymore

Congratulations-- you've ruined Rockford for me.

I had a nagging feeling
the whole time

they were holding something back
on purpose.

"Blended for your dosha,"
indeed!

They wouldn't know my dosha
if they fell over it!

So what kind of a hoity-toity
place did it end up being?

It was a hellhole!

They have the nerve
to call it a day spa

when it's nothing more
than a-a mere front

for a bona fide luxury spa

which taunts those kept at bay
outside its golden door.

If you didn't go in,
how do you know it's better?

FRASIER:
It had to be.

The door was gold.

Ours was only silver.

Gold is better than silver.

Stupid silver.

Well, you'll always be
in my exclusive club, honey.

Oh, thanks.

And that's all I need.

There must be somebody
who can get us in.

Let's go comb our Rolodexes.

Yes.

There has to be a way

out of the slum
they call the Silver Room.

Why do I keep squeaking?!

Hey, Frasier.

Oh.

Wait till you see this.

(laughing):
It is so cool.

Really?

Well, I could use something to balm my wounds.

(chuckles)

Painful as it is,
I've come to accept

that I shall never pass
through that spa's gold door

Anyway, I was filing
your new head shot...

Yes, mm-hmm?

...and I started looking
through your old ones.

Went back to when
you first started.

Mm-hmm

(chuckling)

(continues chuckling)

Whoo!

What am I lookingat?

Oh, it's like an animation
of your hairline receding.

Isn't that great?

(laughing)

Okay, right now,
here's the good part.

Uh-huh.

It's growing back!
Ha.

Receding.

Yes, yes.

s.
Growing back.
Yes, yes, ye

All right, Roz, that's enough, all right!

Don't be so sensitive.
(groans)

Hi.
Hi.

Oh, Niles, no good news,

I suppose?

I've had no luck
getting us

into the gold level.

Are you guys really
this bent out of shape

about that gold spa?

Yes.

Why can't you be happy
with the silver one?

'Cause gold is better.

Bull. The only reason
why you want to go there

is because you can't.

We saw a senator
going in.

Asenator.

We elected him--
he works for us.

How is it fair
that our employee is admitted

while we are shunted off to
the icy depths of silver level?

It's a spa.

How much better could it be?

What, are they going to carry
you around like a sultan?

You going to be massaged
by supermodels?

And then, what if you do
get through the gold door?

What next, the diamond door?

And after that,
a titanium door.

And after that, a plutonium door.

That's ridiculous.

Plutonium's radioactive.

No one's going to make a door out of it.

Although Roz does make
a point, Niles.

What kind of crazy fantasy
are we chasing?

(sighs)

See? I'm right.
Hmm?

sorry.
Oh, I'm-I'm

I was just imagining supermodels
with that crook Senator Ogden.

It was Senator Ogden?

I know him.

You do?

ROZ:
Yeah.

He really owes me one, too.

Want me to give him a call?

Would you?
Absolutely!

How do you know
Senator Ogden?

Well... I knew him
a few years ago

when his marriage
was on the rocks.

We kept it very hush-hush.

Thank God I knew CPR.

Rockford is on.

Not interested.

Oh, come on,
it looks like a good one.

Tom Selleck's in it.

Oh, those are good.

Not that I care.

You know, I caught
a few episodes at home,

and I see the resemblance
between you

and a young Jim Rockford.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

No one gives him credit
when he has a good idea.

He likes to drive
a little too fast.

He's got my chin.

And he knows
how to work the system,

and the babes love him.

Yes, they do.

(chuckling)

So what do you say?

t?
Oh, okay, why no

od.
Ah, this is go

Sorry I got so worked up.

You've got principles,
like Rockford.

Okay, let's not lay it on too thick.

Oh, look at that.

Malibu, California

FYI, those mountains you
see in the background

are the same ones you
see at the beginning of MASH.

Oh, I love MASH.

Whenever I watch it,
I think of you

serving in Korea
all those years ago.

Just like Colonel Potter.

That's it. Go home.

Why?

Colonel Potter was old
when he did Dragnet!

Colonel Potter--
that funny young doctor

who used to mix martinis
in his tent.

Oh, you're thinking of Hawkeye

Yes, that's who I meant.

Okay.

(birds chirping)

I've taken you to
the relaxation grotto.

We'll just let the wrap

and your orange-honey butter mask soothe you

while you listen to the healing sounds

of the Javanese
rain forest, okay?

(squeaky voice):
Okay.

Oh, excuse me.

Frasier?
Hm?

Frasier, is that you?

Niles.
Hi.

I just had a...
a color therapy treatment.

My eyes haven't readjusted yet

Uh, they sent me
in here to relax.

I'm letting
my orange-honey butter mask set.

Oh.

(sighs)

Roz was so wrong

(sighs):
Ah.

Completely wrong.

(chuckling)

Oh. Yeah, my eyes are better.

Hmm.

Oh, Niles.

You should see this place.

Be my eyes, Frasier.

Well... it's just paradise

(chuckles)

From the rare, exotic orchids...

the trompe l'oeil sky...

the perfectly bubbled stream
to the...

To the what?

There's a platinum door.

Platinum?

Are you sure?

Yes.

Is it guarded?

No! Just brazenly
standing there.

Then rip the cucumbers
from my eyes, and let's go!

Right.

(grunting)

Niles!

What?

What are we doing?
Oh!

This is exactly what Roz said.

No, no. Roz said
"diamond door."

Niles, this is heaven.

Right here and now

Why do we have to think about someplace else?

This is only heaven

for the people who can't get
into the real heaven--

the platinum heaven.

Niles, why can'’t we be happy?

Why must we allow the-
the thought of something

that at this point can only be incrementally better,

ruin what is here and now?

(gasping):
I don't know.

Let's figure it out...
on the other side.

No.

I am through chasing
the eternal carrot.

Whatever is behind that door

shall remain behind that door
unseen.

Stay if you want.

I have to know!

Oh, for God's sake,
you can't even walk, you ninny!

All right, all right,
I will go.

Just to take a peek.

MAN:
I'm sorry, sir.

You're not allowed
through there.

Please remain
in the relaxation grotto.

"Please remain...

in the relaxation grotto"?

Have crueler words
ever been spoken?

Now, that's it--
I am determined

to see where they think
I don't belong.

Take me with you!

(gasps):
Niles...

healing warmth and light!

It must be a
magnificent solarium!

Good-bye,
sweet and edible facials.

Hello, radiant,
life-giving sun!

It's beautiful! It's beautiful!

Yes! This is where we belong!

Do you smell garbage?

Oh, dear, Niles.

I don't think
this is part of the spa!

Hello!

Hello, anyone
in the relaxation grotto!

Frasier?

Hmm?

Look at all those bees

Bees?

Niles! Our sweet
and edible facials!

Run!

♪♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-calling ♪
♪

♪♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪♪

♪♪ Mercy ♪♪

♪♪ And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪♪

(laughs)

♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do
♪♪

♪♪ With those tossed salad
s and scrambled eggs ♪♪

♪♪ They'’’re calling again
. ♪♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Good night, everybody!