Franklin & Bash (2011–2014): Season 4, Episode 6 - Dance the Night Away - full transcript

Objection Your Honour.

You're looking far too hot.

And I reject...

cause I need a refill.

Both objections sustained
so grab that bottle of tequila

and get out of these stuffy suits.

- They are stuffy, aren't they?
- They are stuffy.

And meet us in the hot tub.

Oh my god.

- Okay.
- This is a court order.

I don't see we have any choice.



We see you in two minutes?

Peter, Jared.

Coleen.

What are you doing here?

Did you guys double book dates?

Oh, it's my fault.

- I just showed up uninvited.
- Yeah.

This is my friend Cindy,
and she's in a lot of trouble.

She needs a lawyer.

Oh, that's great, 'cause, uh,
we are... we are lawyers.

Look, I'm sorry.
I don't usually bust up people's dates.

One of us should go.

Yeah.

Sorry. It's gonna be you.



She's his mom.

S04E06
Dance the Night Away

How did you and my mom meet?

Uh, through my work.

You're a sex surrogate, too?

A dancer over at Kandy's Strip Club.

- Oh. On sunset.
- Surprisingly good salad bar there.

A lot of us go to Colleen just to talk,

and she's helped me through
a couple of tough situations.

And she returned the favor by
teaching me how to pole dance.

- It's a great workout.
- I imagine it is.

Imagine less.

- Tell them about the pole.
- Okay.

So, I-I was working. I have this move.

It's called the double helix.

So, I jumped on the pole,
and it broke off in my hands.

I mean, it was rusted clear through.

- Ooh.
- So, I flew off the stage

and landed headfirst into some guy's lap.

I mean, could you imagine?

- Uh-huh.
- Keep going.

I sprained my knee,
couldn't work for a week,

and now the new manager, Cliff,

won't pay any of my medical bills.

And now he's suing her
to pay for a new pole.

$1,300.

That's ridiculous.

I...Know it probably sounds dumb,

but, um, the girls at Kandy's...

they really look up to me,

and I look out for them the
way you look out for me.

It doesn't sound dumb.

So you'll take the case?

Uh, we'll discuss it.

We'll take it.

That's wonderful.

- I said we'll discuss it.
- Yeah, we discussed it.

You said "we'll discuss it,"
I said "we'll take it."

- As long as we discussed it.
- Yeah. Now that that's settled,

seems like a shame to waste
a perfectly good hot tub.

Colleen?

Oh, that's... that's sweet,
Jared, but I don't have my suit.

Don't.

Mom, I love you, but you got to go home.

- Bye, Colleen.
- And next time, you got to call.

We'll call you tomorrow.

- Thanks.
- Nice to meet you.

What just happened?

There were four women here
in the last half hour,

and now it's just you and me.

- Want to hot tub?
- No.

And would you stop
asking my mom to hot tub?

No.

Hey.

Hey.

Look at this.

Oh! Admiring the sign, huh?

Infeld, Daniels...

Franklin & Bash.

I still get tingles in my spine.

Well, word on the street
is you're barely keeping this place afloat.

Is that the word on the street, Serpico?

What are you doing here?

You're representing the woman who
got fired from Kandy's Strip Club?

Um... Why?

Well, you can just serve it on me.

You're representing the strip club?

Oh, this is part of your
"let me show Jared and Peter

what a good lawyer I am" plan.

Oh, but if you go by the scoreboard...

- Which we do.
- We own you.

Not to mention the conflict of interest.

Right, of you going against a stripper

when you so famously slept
with that summer associate

who was also a stripper.

It's not famous.

You know that Karp slept with a stripper?

Yeah, summer intern.

Famous!

We met before.

Juanita, right?

Just Anita. There's no "wah."

- Dude. That's kind of racist.
- Really racist.

Don't listen to them. I never do.

Anita.

I will not make that mistake again.

Good. Make sure that you don't, Damien.

Anita, infeld wants us
in court in 10 minutes.

Oh, don't dawdle. Run along.

Don't want to keep your master waiting.

Case dismissed!

Thanks for saving my ass again.

That's what we're here for, Ian.

I've never actually met
a polo player before,

not to mention one that got
into a brawl during a game.

That son of a bitch was hooking me all day.

Well, that, and you finished off
a fifth of Macallan's before the match.

Listen, there may be a bit of a problem

with paying my legal fee.

What do you mean?
You're Scottish royalty.

You're... you're a duke.

Royalty's overrated, trust me.

You see?
Only a royal can say something like that.

Seriously. I'm broke.

After this last incident,
the family cut me loose.

All I've got left is my worthless title.

Well, actually, it's not worthless.

At my last firm,
we represented the Danish royal family.

When there was family in-fighting,

they were able to sell
titles to satisfy debts.

Danes, total savages.

They got good money for them, too.

- Really?
- You really tired of being a duke?

Completely.

You want to be a duke?

This is insane, even for you.

Only if you think about it.

You're a duke?

Duke of Landingshire, to be exact.

How much were Ian's fees?

- 7 grand.
- Well, I did half the case.

I should be duke half the time.

That's the kind of reaction
I'd expect from a commoner.

- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- Royalty. Come on.

- Open the door.
- It's common courtesy.

- Open the door.
- Get the door. D-don't!

I'm a duke, you dick!

Come on, Cliff. Be reasonable.

Give Cindy her job back, buy a new pole,

pay her medical bills,
and we'll all be done here.

That's it?

I'm sensing sarcasm.

You made me lose count.

Now, look, if I start paying out

every time someone falls around here,

this place will turn into a skating rink.

Girls slipping, saying they're hurt.
Unh-unh.

Bad business.

What's bad business is treating
your employees like property.

Property.

All right, here's some business advice.

Get the hell out of my club

before you get your faces pounded in.

And I hope you're hiring
strippers at your firm

because your girl Cindy... she's fired.

Fine.

We'll be suing your ass
for wrongful termination.

Then we'll see who's fired.

Okay, that last part came out more
aggressive than I wanted.

So, I will bid you adieu.

- Just get out of here.
- Okay.

That was all him.

Lawyers.

Oh, yes.

- Oh, sorry, sir.
- Sorry, we should've knocked.

Nonsense. Come in, come in, come in.

Yoomi, this is Peter and Jared.

Yoomi's my pedicurist.

Yoomi inherited my poor,
tired feet from her mother,

who learned from the royal empress herself.

Yoomi, would you please excuse us?

Sorry, I-I thought you were, uh...

- No, no. Please.
- Okay.

- You wanted to see us, sir?
- Yes.

I understand you've become a duke

and that you procured the
title in lieu of legal fees.

Thank you.

And I told him, I said legal
fees are more important than...

Well done, Jared.

You know, it... it brings to mind

my brush with royalty.

Summer nights with Lizzie, H.R.H.

Her royal highness.

Oh, of course I was just a 19-year-old boy,

and I had to be smuggled into
Buckingham Palace as a footman.

My God, she was a passionate woman.

But, of course, always formal.

Mm-hmm.

Which brings me to my point.

- There's a point?
- A man doesn't become royalty every day.

No.

See, this is a very, very special time.

Which is why I'd like to throw
your royal coming-out party.

Ah. You're finally coming out.

We'll do it at the beach house, huh?

Capital idea. Thursday next?

- Seriously gonna kill you.
- Yes.

Uh, well, would you send Yoomi back in?

You got it.

Oh, by the way, boys,

I still haven't received the
SR-17 business tax forms.

No.

W-well, we thought now that
you're back with the firm...

Yeah, we thought you'd do them.

Yeah,
like you did before Karp took them over.

Oh, I heard that Damien may have been here.

- Is that correct?
- He didn't stop in to see you?

Send Yoomi back in, would you?

Oh. Yes, sir.

Hate doing SR-17s.

Remember how Karp used to do them?

Oh! With the little line through the 7s.

- They were so perfect and elegant.
- I miss his 7s.

I don't like seeing Stanton like this.
He misses Karp.

Hey.

- Hi, how are you? Hey.
- Morning.

So, I texted with Damien last night.

He thinks that the club
owners are gonna back down.

Well, that is good news,
but you texted Karp?

What's going on with the eyeliner?

Since when do you get
all gussied up for court?

I always look like this.

- Oh, hey, hey.
- Hi.

- Hi. Hey.
- You know what?

I got that video of the bulldog
puppy rolling down the hill.

You're right, it's hilarious.

Thank you.

Um, I'll, uh, I'll see you inside.

- Okay.
- Karpe diem.

- Karp-instein.
- Just the man we're looking for.

That's good.
I'm looking for you, and I... and I do.

I love it when you add
syllables to the end of my name.

It's very funny.

What's the good word?
Your client ready to settle?

I talked to him, but he's dug in.

There is a silver lining.

Well, we love silver linings.

Almost as much as cute animal videos.

Oh, my God, L.O.L. They're hilarious.

But I think you're really
gonna love this one, then.

The other club owners have banded together

to make sure the case doesn't go forward,

so they're gonna pay me double my rate

and I get to kick both your asses,
so win-win for me.

All right.

Oddly, I still miss him.

Are you looking up the cute puppy video?

Trying to. Sounds good.

What is that?

Oh, God, is that your screen saver?

Sorry. You weren't supposed to see that.

What is that? It's nothing.

Mr. Franklin, Mr. Bash,

you're representing a dancer
from Kandy's Strip Club.

That's correct, your honor.

All right, full disclosure.

I have been to that
establishment for the salad.

Baby corn, your honor, right?
It's amazing.

He picks them up and pretends

that they're real ears of corn,
and then he...

It's hilarious, yeah.

If you hadn't stolen it from the movie
"Big."

True story... Hanks got that from me.

- True story.
- Your honor, we move for immediate

dismissal of the wrongful
termination claim.

Okay.

Our esteemed opposing counsel is premature,
your honor.

Kind of an issue with him.

We haven't even presented any facts yet,
tiger.

The facts are irrelevant.

Are they?

You can't bring a wrongful termination suit

unless you're an employee.

Right.

We can call 20 witnesses to
prove Miss Maloney worked...

as an independent contractor,

who under section 3312 of the civil code

cannot sue as an employee.

Independent contractor?

She's worked more than 40 hours a week.

There's no employment agreement,

at least not with Kandy's Strip Club.

Your honor, if I may.

The dancers are allowed to
pursue outside employment,

which Miss Maloney does as a
private workout instructor.

We ask that this be marked
as defense exhibit "b."

Uh, your honor, could we...

Miss Maloney, I feel for you,
but the law is the law.

The defense motion is granted.

Case dismissed.

How can they get away with that?

Because they ruled you
weren't a real employee.

All right,
this isn't real broken glass onstage?

Or what about this?
Torn medial vastus.

I mean, every dancer I know
has injuries like these.

You just should've told us
about the outside work earlier.

I didn't think it mattered.

I mean, they want us to do stuff like that.

Yes, of course.
To inoculate themselves in cases like this.

Miss Maloney.

Oh, Karp, look,
if you're here to do a victory lap,

- you're not gonna finish it.
- Not at all, I just wanted you to know

that I've convinced the club owners

to return your personal belongings.

They'll be waiting for you at the club.

You're an angel.

Gentlemen.

We're sorry about this.

You've been great.

Really.

Um, I do have one last favor, though.

Name it.

Could you go to the club
and pick my stuff up?

I just...

I can't.

Um... and tell the girls I said goodbye?

Cindy, maybe we can ask...

No. No, you've... you were great.

Really, you've done enough.
Thank you.

You feel like we've done enough?

I feel like we're just getting started.

Hey, tell Cindy we're sorry, huh?

Yeah, I will. I'll be back in an hour.

Did you, uh, did you talk to Anita?

She's on her way now.

Jared Franklin?

Guilty as charged.

Albert Daugherty.

You're the new Duke of Landingshire?

Yes, I am.

I'm the Duke of Weddington.

Our lands border the morrow
river 10 miles south Inverness.

Oh. You're a long way from home.

No, no. Not really.
I live in Glendale. I took the 134.

Well, always nice to meet a fellow royal.

What can I do you for, Duke?

Well, you can tell your people back home

to stop lein their cattle
graze in our pastures,

or pay the price to lease it.

Now, it's my understanding
that you are now in charge

- of land management for the family.
- W... I am?

Hey, your lordship,
you need to control your cattle.

I just got the title yesterday,

so I don't know who's grazing on what...

It's your title,
so that means this is your problem.

Okay, um, tell you what, though.

Why don't you take it up
with the Landingshires

back in Scotland, because...

Well, they don't respond.
Probably too busy, you know,

stealing other folks' lands

and bedding down with their own livestock.

Sheep shaggers, the lot of them.

Sheep shaggers. Wow.

Okay, look, I'll be damned

if I'm gonna let you impugn
the good name of the...

Oh, so who's gonna stop me from impugning,
then, eh?

Oh, think you underestimate the
power of litigation, my friend.

Of course.

A barrister.

Why would you want to settle
things like a real man?

Listen, I'm gonna check back soon.

And I expect you to have this
problem resolved by then, okay?

- Power of litigation?
- What did you want me to say?

- Oh, you embarrass me.
- Angry Shrek.

"Oh, donkey's on my property,

grazing on my cattle. That's okay."

Okay.

- Mind if I get on?
- No, you should.

- All right. Can you hold that? Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

No more room.

Sheep shaggers.

Sorry.

- Anita.
- Hey, Damien.

It's, um, weird running into you here.

It's not that weird. We're both lawyers.

Also, not that weird because
I'm here looking for you.

Really? This day just got better.

Actually,
I have a message from Peter and Jared.

Not that much better.

What do they want?

For you to come back to the firm.

They want me to come back to your firm?

I think you might've
gotten that message wrong.

I heard them talking
about how much Stanton wants you back, too.

Do you have an opinion on the subject?

I think it would be nice...
Working together.

All right, good work, ladies.
Remember, keep dancing.

There's nothing sexier than a
sound mind and a sound body.

Yeah, totally. That's my motto, too.

Hello. Hi. You were very flexible.

Love that twirly thing
that you did up there.

Uh, here's some of your stuff.

Girls at Kandy send their love.

Thanks.

I'm moving.

Going back to Wisconsin.

Why are you leaving?

Mm, you know...

Time for a fresh start.

Oh, God.

I've gotten that look before, you know.

This is where you say,
"you're better than this.

Why don't you do something
else other than stripping?"

Sorry.

You should take it as a compliment.

Yeah.

You know, when I was a kid,

my dad and I...
we used to watch Michael Jordan play,

and I remember seeing him
take off from the foul line

and dunk before coming down.

I decided that I was going to do that.

Yeah.

Well, when I realized that
I wasn't going to be Jordan,

obviously, I still wanted to do something.

You know,
something that nobody else has done.

The double helix?

So, you're comparing a move
you do on the stripper pole

to Jordan dunking?

Why don't you get on the pole?

Get on the pole.

Okay. Ready.

- All right. You got it? Okay.
- Yeah, I got it.

You got it?

- All right.
- Yeah.

Now, kick your left leg and
hook it around the pole.

That is physically impo...

What did I do to you?

Mm, I don't know.

Lost my court case?

Okay. You move aside.

You're hopeless.

- That's the double helix?
- No.

Single. All right, here it comes.

See? That look.

That look that you just gave me...

not the look from the guys who
are just staring at my boobs...

that's why I dance.

And now you're staring at my boobs.

Whoa, that's on you.
That is the power of suggestion.

You said "staring at my boobs,"

and... what am I supposed to do?

Excuse me. Hmm?

Eyes are up here.

Oh, right. Fair enough.

- Fair enough.
- You have to stay.

Stay. You can get a job at any club in L.A.

I can't.

Cliff put the word out. I'm blacklisted.

I'll sue him for interference
with prospective business advantage.

First of all, the legal talk's kind of hot.

Not gonna lie.

But don't.

If you do,
the other girls will get fired, too.

He can't fire all of them unless...

What?

Don't leave just yet.

Wait, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna take off from the foul line.

Every great labor movement
had its great beginning,

a time when the people stood up to tyranny.

The time is now.

You want us to form an exotic dancers'
union?

Today, it was Cindy.

Tomorrow, it could be any of you.

Amelia, remember when you told me

you had to work even though
you had the stomach flu?

- Ugh.
- Was a tough shift.

That's not a lap dance I want!

And, David, you never got reimbursed

for that Justin Bieber
wig they told you to buy!

Damn shame.

Do you guys coming in the
club to see Cliff in a G-string?

The place is here. The time... now!

Strippers of the world...

- Exotic dancers.
- Exotic dancers of the world, unite!

Unite!

That was inspirational.

You guys inspired?

Can't believe you followed them here.

You know, that's intimidation.

You can't stop us from talking
to them about organizing.

I say we call for a vote.

Who wants to unionize?

Show of hands.

Come on. Show of hands.

Landslide.

Why don't you all head back
so you don't catch colds?

Come on.

It's one thing to fire Cindy.

It's another thing to keep
her out of every club in L.A.

Glad you reminded me.

By tonight, both of you will be banned
from every strip club in L.A., too.

- And if you ever stop by my place again...
- Yeah, we know.

You'll have us arrested for trespassing.

Nope. Not what I was gonna say.

You two have a good night.

Come on, man.
You took out Tyson.

Yeah.

Yeah, you better walk away!

- Idiot.
- What are you doing?

Dude, we don't deserve this.

After today with Cliff, we do.

No, no one deserves SR-17 forms.

If we have to do them, at least
we can do them while we're fishing.

And drinking.

Good multitasking.

God, this is terrible.

Dude, I think I got something.

Yeah, so do I.

Stanton wants us back at the house now.

He says we have visitors.

Dude.

- Fish on!
- Yeah!

Bring that bad boy in. Come on!

- Oh, dude, I got a monster.
- Yeah, you do!

- Could be dinner.
- Think it's a mermaid.

I caught the fish, you clean the fish.

That Theules. If you would've caught it...

Hey.

Welcome to our humble abode.

Oh.

Uh, actually, uh... It's my humble abode.

We wanted to come by to
say we're sorry about earlier.

We're sorry.

We had no right to risk
your jobs like that.

- Are you guys still willing to help?
- Oh, yeah.

Call for another vote to unionize?

Yes.

Oh,
are you all right, dear?

I sprained my elbow during a lap dance.

I suffered a similar injury
tracking gorillas in Uganda.

Showdown with a silverback.

You fought a gorilla?

Ah. It was hardly a fight.

Oh, listen, you should get
some heat on that right away.

Is that a hot tub out there?

I do believe it is.

Perhaps you'd care to join me.

All of you.

Yeah. Oh.

Hello, what's your name?

How much do you know about labor law?

About as much as you
know about being a duke.

But I know someone who does.

Wait. You guys are serious?

- We want to unionize strippers.
- Of course you do.

You did this kind of work
at your last firm, right?

There is a lot of paperwork,
hoops you've got to jump through,

getting certified, bylaws.

- It takes time.
- How much?

- Could be a year.
- Ooh.

Might need to compress that a little.
By like 360 days.

You want me to get them
unionized in less than a week?

If you need that long.

Yeah, these girls put their
asses on the line for us. Literally.

Um...Well, I may have an idea.

- Let me do some research?
- Okay.

Hope I'm not intruding, Landingshire.

- A little bit.
- Stand down, friend.

My quarrel's not with you.

So, guess whose scrawny, inbred cattle

is still fouling on my land?

- This guy.
- Aye.

Scrawny and inbred.
It's like you know him.

Does your valet do all your talking
for you now, Landingshire?

- Valet?
- Okay, I'll handle this.

It's one thing if you're
gonna insult our cattle.

It's even another if you're gonna besmirch

the good name of the Landingshire clan.

He besmirched, all right.

But when you go after my friend,
low-born as he may be,

- you're gonna... what?
- Hello?

Go again?

Aye. No, we're in here now. Aye.

Aye.

- He's right here.
- We were talking.

These are fair dues. Aye.

All right.

Fair dues.

Very well.

What's done is done.

There's nothing else to do

but to throw down the Glasgow Gauntlet.

Consider yourself challenged.

Well, then I accept your Glasgow Gauntlet.

Good. Fine.

What are you looking at?

Nothing. Just... You look really familiar.

You looking to get involved, big man?

Hey, brother, I'm on your side.

Aye.

Awesome.

Got something on your nose.

- Peter.
- Yeah.

- What the hell's a Glasgow Gauntlet?
- I don't know,

but I think he just
challenged you to a duel.

Oh, uh, Damien. Damien.

What are you doing here?

Dropping off discovery to Anita.

I thought you usually spent
Thursday mornings at your dojo.

Yes.

Uh, Sensei Barbara has gout.

I've got something to show you.

I was unpacking after my recent exile,
and I found these.

Look at this.

That's our trip to Bangkok
after my sophomore year in high school.

Arguably, you were too young
for certain aspects of it.

Mm. That was a good trip.

It was a good trip. Yeah.

You know, Damien,

things simply aren't the
same without you around here.

Oh. My God, are these the SR-17s?

Oh, yeah.

Well,
of course I gave them to Peter and Jared,

but they made a complete
and utter bullocks of them.

- They smell like fish.
- What?

Ugh, that... that's what I'm talking about.

Well, I-I'll take care of these for you.

No, no, no. You... I would never ask.

Yeah, you didn't ask. I-I offered.

Thank you, Damien.

Pipe fitters' union.

Longshoremen, no.

That is seven nos.

Not sure about Anita's idea

to get an existing union
to sponsor the girls.

- You know what you should be doing?
- What?

Preparing for your duel.

It's not gonna be a duel. It's 2014.

Not to Daugherty.
He's going full "Braveheart."

Well, he's also full of sh...

Excuse me. Uh, you're Franklin and Bash?

Depends. Who are you?

And what's in the box?

Uh, I'm Tony Philbin.

Huge fan of your work.

It's always nice to meet a fan, Tony.

What's in the scary box? Whoa.

Anita Haskins told me to come by.

Uh, I'm president of local 213.

We're a union in good standing.

- Oh.
- Tony!

Tony.

Nice to meet you. Jared Franklin.

- This is Peter Bash.
- Peter. Hey.

Great to meet you. Come on in.

We would be honored to
stand shoulder-to-shoulder

- with your dancers.
- Oh, that's fantastic, Tony.

Uh, sorry,
we're not familiar with local 213.

Uh, may I?

You may.

Please.

You got to be kidding me.

This is awesome.

This is ridiculous,
even by Bash and Franklin standards.

Yeah, it's a little weird.
These, uh, puppets

supposed to represent,
uh, you two counselors?

Yes, your honor.

And again,
Mr. Karp has absolutely no idea...

Um, what he means to say,
your honor, is that Mr. Karp,

while wise beyond his years, and...

- And handsome.
- ...and handsome,

is understandably overlooking the fact

that local 213 is an accredited union

in good standing.

Yeah, well, how about y'all step back now?

- Getting a little freaky.
- Thank you.

That went well.

Take these back.

All right. I'll bite.

What's the relationship

between, uh,
the puppeteers and the strippers?

Exotic dancer, your honor,
and they're both entertainers,

they both express themselves physically.

Manual dexterity being an essential skill

for both artistic forms.

Your honor,
you're not actually considering this?

I'm not sitting here stroking my chin

just to look wise, Mr. Karp.

You do look wise, your honor.

Well, thank you.

Sir...

Are you willing to allow the dancers

to come into the union as
equals with the puppeteers?

Ah, you betcha, Judge Reid.

All right, the next puppet that talks,

I'm gonna hold you all in contempt.

Okay,
take your hand out of the puppet's ass.

Put it... put it... put it away.

Your honor, when you take away the lawyers,

the labor code sections,
what this case really is about

is what makes America great.

Exotic dancers and puppeteers.

- Our four fathers came here to escape...
- Did you really just say "four fathers"?

You can allow these groups
of artists to unite.

Or you can rule against America.

America.

Or you can follow the law.

Okay.

I'm going to allow the dancers

to, uh,
join in association with the puppeteers.

So, your honor, we can, uh,

revisit Miss Maloney's
workman's comp claim?

Yes, but get those things out of my court.

- I'm gonna have nightmares.
- You got it, your honor.

Skedaddle.

Hey. So, I'm back?

Halfway.

Okay. Now what?

Now? Now we go on strike.

Strike!

This is awesome.

- This is awesome!
- Dude. Come on.

Serena, you can't give lap
dances in the picket line.

She is standing,
so technically, there's no lap.

- My bad.
- Hey.

Okay, so we've got girls who
walked out from other clubs,

and my friend who dances in San Diego...
she said they may walk, too.

Oh, great.
We started a revolution.

Yep.

Uh, Cindy, you got to keep them in line,
though, 'cause we got reporters here.

Oh. Oh, my God,
what is Laurie doing with those puppets?

- What hasn't she done with those puppets?
- Get out of the way!

Oh, we're causing quite a traffic problem.

Yeah, couple of these Fender benders,

we may get the P.I. cases, too.

- Like old days.
- Just like old days.

Oh. Oh. Speaking of old.

- Damien Karp!
- Whoo! Yoo-hoo-hoo!

Back from retirement!

Ignore the wrinkles, folks. He can bend.

- You guys ever run out of toys?
- Not yet.

The club owners...

- What was that? The...
- Sorry, one more time?

Oh, sorry.
Crime. Go ahead.

The club owners are
willing to have Cindy back.

They'll pay her medical bills,
the pole's been replaced.

She just has to help call off this strike.

Great, we got three terms.

One...
Cindy gets her job back with back pay.

Two... medical, dental,
and 401 for all the girls!

And let me guess the third.

I come back to the firm?

Karp, let me ask you.

Do you have a version
of us at your new firm?

No, thank God.

You're an asshole,
and I mean that with love.

Assholes like you and us...

We need someone, not only to love,

but we need someone to hate.

It challenges us, it pushes us,
it makes us better.

I'll get back to you.

Oh, and stop sending Anita
to be your messenger.

She's too good for that.

I hate it when he leaves,
but I love to watch him walk away!

- Welcome back, Damien.
- I'm not back.

I have a counter offer which
I'm not going to discuss

until my representative arrives.

You hired a lawyer to negotiate?

I can tell you the club owners
have rejected your offer.

We'll be arguing that the club fell
well within OSHA safety limits.

Ah, and here's my representative now.

- Mom? Colleen?
- You hired my mom?

I missed you in court the other day,

but I caught the tail end of you
three going at it afterwards.

I told Damien that he was better than that.

So, you can imagine how
surprised I was to learn

that the two of you were picking on him.

Oh, uh, please...
please don't tell him the story about...

Sammy Sturgess used to
tease Peter for being plump.

So, I invited Sammy and all
the kids in Peter's class

to do arts and crafts all
day until everyone made up.

I didn't know you were a fat child, Peter,

'cause that explains a great deal.

I asked Damien to come by my office.

Your... Sex-surrogate office?

Please tell me it wasn't for a session.

Oh, I would never charge Damien.

- No. Non-denial denial.
- It's okay, buddy. It's okay.

Peter, Jared, is there something
you want to say to Damien?

Like, uh, two magic words?

Pretty sure it's not the
words he wants to hear.

Dude, SR-17 forms.

- Damien, I'm sorry.
- Sorry.

Well done.

And you, too, Stanton,

for allowing this culture
to exist on your watch.

Me? But I've done nothing
to warrant an apology.

Stanton.

Damien, I am sorry.

Well, I think I'll leave the
business part to all of you.

I have a client... chronic masturbator.

Double session.

I'll walk you out.

Double session.

Sounds taxing.

Yeah. You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna give you a double...

these are my terms.

They're non-negotiable.

Mm.

Stanton.

Damien.

I just wanted you to know I read
the terms that you gave to me,

and I find them all acceptable.

Uh, a-and by the way, I added one myself.

I just hope you agree with it.

Bash and Franklin signed off on this?

Well, at the end of the day, it is my firm.

I hope one day, it'll be yours.

As soon as this case is over, I'll be back.

Good.

Oh, uh, don't you have to give notice?

I did... the day those two idiots
told me you wanted me back.

Oh.

What about all that bluster, Colleen?

Well played.

For the last time, uh, I object.

Having these two strip is
an affront to humanity.

Your honor, we totally agree.

We hold stripping... exotic dancing...

in too high a regard to
demonstrate ourselves.

Your honor, we'd like
to turn the poles over

to our client, Cindy Maloney,

and her Kandy coworker Amelia Cates.

Your honor, permission to simulate
the conditions of a strip club.

This is the future of stripping
if we don't tell club owners

they need to invest
their substantial profits

into workplace safety.

In order to keep the girls safe,

this is the attire they'll have to wear
when they get on the stage.

And we ask you,
would you invest your hard-earned ones...

Oh, come on. Fives.

The duke is right.

Your hard-earned fives to watch this?

What?

- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, come on.

This is embarrassing.

Oh, please, no photos.

You know what? Maybe a couple.

A few? Okay. Give the crowd what they want.

Give 'em what they want, right?
We got your back.

We got your back. There you go.

Right, though? Oh. Oh.

Oh, my God. Look at this guy.

All right. Oh... hands!

Somebody get the bouncer.

- Sweetheart.
- I appreciate it.

Thank you very much. You're all too kind.

It was a group effort, right?

Congratulations.

Congratulations. Hey.

Thank you all.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Now you can go back to work, stay in L.A.
- Well...

And you don't have to
worry about Cliff anymore,

'cause he's out.

Hey, there's our favorite puppet master.

I-I wanted you to have these
as a token of our appreciation.

- Oh. Oh, thanks, Tony.
- Thanks, buddy.

Why don't you go have some fun?

This is turning out to
be a pretty good day.

Want to come to a royal ball tonight?

Yeah, that sounds fun.

Do you want me to ask Amelia
if she wants to come, too?

Absolutely,
because I want everyone to come.

Royal ball, coming-out party,
tonight at our place.

Right.

Well,
here's to the future of Infeld-Daniels.

- Welcome back.
- Hey, hey.

Ah! Oh, come in. Join us.

What's up with these, sir?

Oh, a-as you can see, Damien's back,

and I couldn't be more thrilled.

We heard.

Sir, in paragraph 8b,
we have to pay Damien $50

anytime we say something mean?

Yeah.

I was swayed by your
mother's appeal for kindness.

I was swayed by your mom, too.

What do you say we hug it out, Pete?

Hey, what do you say you kiss my ass?

Oh! Ah! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

I'm afraid that's $50.

This is gonna be so easy.

- What?
- What a dick.

Hey! Ah, ah!

- $100.
- What are you talking about?

I was m... I s... I was muttering to...
muttering counts?

- Mm-hmm.
- Seems like muttering counts.

- Oh, you really...
- So, you're not...

- you're not gonna say anything?
- I'm not gonna lose any money.

Right. Here.

I will just say it was a strong move,

having Colleen negotiate for you.

Very Franklin and Bash of you.

I suppose you mean that as a compliment.

I do.

- Welcome back, Damien.
- Welcome back.

To me.

To you.

Oh, man.

Piece of...

- Mm! 50 bucks.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no, no. That's how I drink.

- 50 bucks.
- $50.

That was a toast. I was making a toast.

- No. $50.
- That was mean.

50 bucks... you can get 50 bucks
when you pry it out of my...

- You look good.
- I know.

How do I look?

- You look great.
- Great.

Hey! Your mom's here.

Cindy invited her.

- All right, let's do this.
- Whoa, dude.

- What?
- Present me.

- What?
- Present me.

- Pres... no.
- Come on, I'm royalty.

How many times do you get to come out?

- Come on.
- No.

Present me.

You owe me.

Presenting his most excellent, resplendent,

and douchey Duke of... Landingshire.

You call this a party?

Listen,
Jared is not gonna be intimidated by you.

Hello, darling.

You know,
I've always fancied Landingshire women.

Good hips, strong backs.

Wait a minute.
That's my mom you're talking...

Okay, I got this. You want to duel?

Fine. You got it.
You name the time and the place.

A duel? You think we're animals?

Well, how do you want to settle this?

The Glasgow Gauntlet.

We drink to honor our deal.

Your family just agreed to a
100-year grazing-land lease

of the dorway firth.

So... We're good?

So, let's drink.

Last man standing wins.

Uh, your duke, I got this one.

- What?
- No. Come on.

- No, no, I... h-he challenged me.
- Come on. Come on.

- I'm the duke.
- First of all, you're a lightweight.

Everyone knows that.

Second of all,
I was flip-cup champion in college.

You have any problem with me acting
as second in the double "g"?

No.

- Glasgow Gauntlet... see how I did that?
- Yeah, I got it.

You know what? I don't care.

I just want to get drunk.
Come on.

Whoo!

I declare the feud between Weddington

and Landingshire over for good!

Hey, Jared, did you hear that?

I'll drink to that.

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, hey,
guys, I have someth...

I have something to say.

This woman... This woman is an angel.

Angel!

All right. All right.

Round 12.

You ready, twally?

Aye, you sheep shagger.

Yes! I win!

I don't know.

I do. I mean, just look at yourself.

I can't.

Well, I can, and you are a wonderful,

handsome young man who has everything

to offer the right woman,

and if this Ellen doesn't get it,

then somebody else will.

You're the best.

I feel like I should be
paying you for this session.

Well, I charge $200 an hour,

and we've been talking for, uh...

Okay, I can't pay you for this session.

I'll pay you with a dance.

Deal.

We're both wearing dresses. You can lead.

This is better than not dancing.