Franklin & Bash (2011–2014): Season 4, Episode 4 - Good Cop/Bad Cop - full transcript

Thanks for the party, guys.

Well, thank you. You are so sweet.

You know, we really don't take enough time

to appreciate how good we have it.

Couldn't agree more.

Wouldn't trade my life with anyone.

Me neither, buddy.

How about that guy?

Nope. Not him or his huge castle.

But if you could trade places for one day...

- Someone else?
- Yeah.



I guess I'd be you.

- Thanks, pal.
- Yeah.

That way I could see through your eyes

how awesome it is to hang out with me.

Well, actually, you
wouldn't be able to see you,

because you'd be inside of me.

No, I'd be insi... wait.

How did I get inside you?

You asked to be inside me, and I said okay.

There's our favorite client.

- Dewey.
- Hey, guys.

Buddy, ready to have some fun?

Yeah, are you... are you
sure this is gonna work?

Did that seriously come out of your mouth?



- Come on.
- Come on, Dewey.

Who you talking to?

Franklin and Bash.

Oh. Po-po.

5-0? I'm holding. I'm holding.

Don't worry about it.

How we doing?

You know, I got a little sand in my Mai Tai,

but other than that, I am peachy keen.

That is a shame. You want
me to get you another one?

I would love one.

Look, uh, as far as I'm concerned,

you can stay here all day.

Sweet.

That sounds like a great plan.

I think we may do that.

Yeah, why don't you grab a beer and join us?

You know what? Maybe we should go.

That's tempting.

Uh, the only problem is you're trespassing.

Guy up there called.

Well, besides being a rich dick

who spends way too much money

trying to keep people off the public beach,

he's also wrong.

He would know. He's the son of a rich dick.

Yep. See, we're not trespassing, officer.

This man owns the property.

So, as a matter of fact, you're trespassing.

- Besides, we can't leave now.
- Why not?

'Cause we're about to attempt
to break our personal record

for most smashball hits.

So, honestly, we can't stop now.

You're not even playing.

- We're about to.
- Is that right?

- You ready?
- Yep. Let's do this.

Guys, maybe this isn't a good idea.

Come on, Dewey. You ready?
You need to warm up?

I'm ready. Let's do it.

One.

Two. Ooh!

- That was two.
- That's two?

- Oh, you're counting the serve.
- Always count the serves.

Dewey, want to be the ball boy?

Yeah. Um, we... You know,
this guy is serious, I think.

Tell you what, officer,
you can have winners.

All right.

See? Something to look forward to.

Get out some I.D.s, boys.

- Wait, what?
- What?

We're writing tickets.

We can't stop.

- 'Cause we got 761.
- Go ahead. Yeah.

It'll be... it'll just take a second.

- Name, please?
- One. Two.

Oh, my name. Uh, Dewey.

Dewey Barba.

Told you this would work.

I thought it was over,

but then getting the trespassing tickets

was a three-point shot at the buzzer.

That forced overtime.

There's still work to do.

Guys, I'm sorry.

I-I-I don't know.

Maybe it was the 20 years

I spent on the road following the dead,

but I-I... I don't get it.

Dewey, it's called adverse possession.

It's how your rich neighbor

expanded his deck onto your property.

Under the law,

if you abandon your land for
a period of five years...

Whoa, whoa. Hold on. Wait a minute.

I didn't abandon anything.

I just went to Costa
Rica for a little while.

I was growing the Pitahaya Berry.

It's gonna change the way
the world looks at food.

Mm-hmm. You were gone for nearly five years.

That's a little bit more than a while.

Yeah, and the five-year limit

for bringing this up as a
civil case expires tomorrow.

Time has no meaning in the jungle, pedro.

But here it does.

Now, while you were growing your, uh...

Pitahaya.

Pitahaya!

Anyhow, Harcourt established
possession of part of your land.

Now, if he did that in an open,

notorious, continuous way...

Anita, we tried this.

Dewey, can I have your beer?

No, no. Uh, it's only my third.

Let's just say this beer is your land, okay?

Okay, stay with us. This beer is your land.

This beer is Harcourt's land.

You go to Costa Rica.

Harcourt's watching your
beer... Wanting your beer.

He's so thirsty.

And he makes it look like it's his beer.

He takes a sip.

Uh...

Mm. It's his beer.

See, he walks around with it,

makes sure that everyone
knows it's his beer.

Happy new year!

Happy new year!

Happy new year!

Okay, Dewey,

stay focused, okay?

Now, if this happens for five years...

Can I just have my beer back?

No. No.

It's not your beer anymore,
because under the law,

Harcourt possessed it for five years,

made like it was his,
and you didn't stop him.

That's why we made sure you
got a trespassing citation.

See, we're gonna use the criminal court

to get your adverse-possession
hearing heard.

That's the only way a judge
is gonna hear your case.

Do you get it?

Do I need to?

Well, I do.

I'll start researching trespassing defenses.

Ah, ah, ah. Tomorrow morning.

Tonight, we're gonna
try a little experiment.

We're gonna see if you know how to relax.

Come on. Come on.

All the way. All the way.

Not fair!

Yes.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Whoo!

You cheated!

How did I cheat?

At the beginning, you pushed him.

- Nope. No.
- You did push him.

- Repositioned.
- Thank you.

That is totally legal for the purposes
of avoiding a lobster collision.

- You pushed him.
- Thank you.

- No rematch.
- Collision? Look at him.

He's still sitting there.

He's a bystander.

You got to give it to her. She can relax.

He's still just sitting there.

Uh-oh.

It's that cop from the beach.

Excuse me, can I see your hand stamp?

Got a complaint, all right? Loud party.

Really? You think this is loud?

What's that smell?

- We have a pet skunk.
- Yep.

Lobsters, skunks...

You guys got a regular petting
zoo going on in here, huh?

Now, uh, you boys know I got probable cause

to come in and check I.D.s.

But I won't 'cause I'm busy.

Too busy, all right,
to be breaking up parties

and wasting my time in a courtroom.

We hear you.

We don't like being there, either.

But it's a livin'.

Mm-hmm.

Plead guilty, pay the trespassing ticket,

and don't make me waste my
time in court, all right?

Then I won't have to come back
here looking for your skunk.

Who knows what else I might find?

Eh, it's just an act.
He's trying to intimidate.

Yeah, let's go with that for now.

Pbht!

Good to see you.

Mr. Satoh's office called to confirm.

Oh, of course I will be going.

Th firm needs another big client... a whale.

So, I will be like Ahab,

standing on the bow of my
longboat with my harpoon...

Damien, what are you doing here?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. Go on.

Does this story end with
you giving Herman melville

the idea for "Moby-dick"?

No, I was just getting to a yarn

about an epic game of hearts
I had with Gregory Peck,

but please. Come on in.

So, I've heard whispers
that you told the state bar

you had sex with Rachel King instead of me.

How could you possibly know that?

How could I possibly not?
There were 641 witnesses.

You took the blame for her accessing
the clients' accounts by saying what?

You were a sex addict?

Yeah, but that was just a fantastical story

made up by Peter and Jared.

Wait a minute.

You seem to be peeved

that I fell on my sword for you.

I'm pissed. I'm not peeved.

I know the Mary Poppins accent
makes you seems smart,

but I can't believe
anyone's still buying it.

I was just trying to protect you.

You seem so angry.

No, you're not protecting me.

You are emasculating me.

You're turning me into Fredo.

I-I-I'm Infeld's idiot nephew
who needs your protection,

which I do not.

Damien, you're my blood.

You are my sister Penelope's youngest son.

No. That's the problem.

I am a lawyer. I am a
very successful lawyer.

Why can't you see me that way?

I powdered your bottom.

Okay. Great talk.

Peter Bash, Jared Franklin, Dewey Barba,

appearing jointly on a trespassing charge.

How do you plead?

Not guilty as to all three, Your Honor.

Mr. Barba wasn't trespassing

as he actually owns the
land at 412 Palisades Drive,

not Mr. Harcourt.

We were his guests, Your Honor.

Robert Harcourt? The media guy?

Yes, Your Honor.

That's some pricey dirt.

Your Honor, we also have a title

showing Mr. Barba's
ownership of the property.

There you go.

What makes Harcourt think he owns it?

Adverse possession. We disagree.

Your Honor,

traffic court is hardly the place
to decide a property dispute.

- Aww.
- That's adorable.

Really?

'Cause all I do in here
is try speeding tickets.

This guy's defense...

A selfie he took in front
of his speedometer.

Lady before him claimed gummi
worms were responsible for a DUI.

Better eat your wheaties, Mr. Darsow.

We're going to trial.

Is that our cop friend looking at us?

Don't look.

How am I supposed to answer if I don't look?

Oh. Okay. Look.

He just...

We might have a problem.

Yeah. You looked right at him.

Hey, you said to look.

That was real discreet.

You must give me the name
of that wonderful green tea.

Your experience in shipping is
very impressive, Mr. Infeld.

You are in consideration for our business.

Thank you.

One day, ask me how I was demasked

at rounding the cape in
a single-handed race.

I survived for eight days

on my own urine and one dehydrated yam.

- Uh, tell me tomorrow.
- Ah.

Have you ever been to a Korean spa?

Sting-eeh, gah-cho-tah.

I don't understand.

Really?

Well, maybe it's a local dialect.

Ah!

Whenever you are ready, Mr. Karp.

Excuse me.

By the way, really nice suit.

I thought you only broke out the savile rows

when British rock stars died.

Are you here trying to
sign Satoh as a client?

No. No, no, no.

I'm here trying to steal him from you.

There's a difference.

Well, how did you know I was here?

It was difficult. I-I called Meg,

and I told her I need to speak
to you about a family emergency,

and she gave me your entire schedule.

Crack staff you have there on Deep Space 9.

Fine, Damien.

If you prefer to eschew the family discount,

then you will pay the full
freight of my unvarnished wrath.

Okay, if that's Infeld-ese
for "this is war," bring it.

So, you're saying no?

I'm saying I'm not listening.

Siamese twins should be able
to use the Diamond Lane.

It's a textbook class-action
suit right up our alley.

There's nothing textbook...

Oh, no. Uh, switch places with me.

I have two tickets. Your record's clean.

- "Switch places with me."
- Just pull over, man.

Just hop over. You're selfish.

I'm selfish? Okay, well, you know what?

Let's switch places right
now. He'll never see us.

I'm just sayin'. We could've.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

What's this all about, officer?

Driver's license, please.

Oh, come on. You know who we are.

Driver's license.

Oh.

Didn't realize it was you.

What are the odds?

Fairly high, actually.

Both hang out in Malibu.

Who knows how often our paths might cross?

That sounded like a threat.

Uh, threatening is illegal.

I either do something or I don't.

That definitely sounded like a threat.

You made an illegal U-turn.

No, I didn't.

You have one of those
dashboard cameras, right?

- I mean, that could tell...
- Oh, you know, I do.

Shoot! I had it turned off,

which makes it, uh, my word against yours.

Okay, look, we had to take
the trespassing case to trial.

And not because we want to waste your time,

but because if we don't,

our client has already lost his land.

And we needed that trespassing ticket.

Okay. Uh, it should go well with
the one I'm about to give you.

Oh, come on. This is bullshit.

You get another ticket for
obstructing an officer in his duties.

Anything else to say? Either of you?

Great. Please stay in the car.

- Dude, we're getting bendered.
- What?

Judd Nelson in "Breakfast Club."

Principal Vernon keeps giving him detention.

"For two months, I got you. I got you."

Let's go talk to this guy.

Excuse me, Officer Mueller...

Hey, what are you doing?

I told you to stay in the car.

Whoa, whoa. We just feel like
we got off on the wrong foot.

Look, we had to take the
trespassing charge to fight...

You get another ticket for disobeying
an officer of the law, all right?

You want to go for four?

All right.

Now, this is just gonna take another minute.

Get back in the car right now.

Okay, who is this guy?

I know. We need to find out.

I seem to remember you
being tight with a cop.

So, wait.

Karp not only doesn't
appreciate what you did for him,

he's also pissed about it?

When I'm finished with my nephew,

there'll be nothing left
but bones and teeth.

Maybe I should
just leave well alone.

Maybe we should think this over. You, you...

You're going through rehab
for a fictional sex addiction.

We just got you reinstated.

And I did that for Damien,
and this is the thanks I get.

Exactly.

Well, let's face it.

I do leave a large footprint.

I mean, my accent, piercing blue eyes,

my intensity.

And perhaps I think

that everyone moves with the
same kind of vigor that I do,

and it overpowers.

He's not gonna listen to us.

He's not listening to us now.

The sound of my voice
is preferable to yours.

Oh, listen.

Did either of you do anything to
annoy a police officer lately?

Uh...

Why?

Well, as you know,

I'm an honorary deputy sheriff...

Mountie division.

We were unaware of that.

Not surprised.

Yes, well, I got a call from downtown.

For no reason,

they're threatening to make
me turn over my shield.

We promise you'll keep your shield, sir.

Oh, and, uh, thank you for the advice.

I'm off to annihilate my nephew.

Yeah, I don't... oh, well.

Did we give him that advice?

We didn't give him any advice.

He doesn't hear us anyway.
You want to know why?

'Cause his
voice is preferable to ours, boys.

I'm infinitely
more terrifying than you.

Okay, now that we've
bought ourselves a day in court,

we need some evidence to support your case.

Dewey, did you do anything
in the past five years

to discourage Harcourt
from building on your land?

Uh, no.

I mean, I remember coming up for
a weekend somewhere in there.

Jimmy Buffett show.

Oh, yeah? Dude,
I'm a parrothead, too.

Pipes.

I rem... I remember pipes.

Oh, I'm sure you do.

No, man. No, not... no.

Construction pipes.

Like, he had construction
pipes lying on my property.

Did you say something about it to Harcourt?

Uh, no, but I wrote him a note,

and I told him I didn't think it was cool,

and then I put it on the
windshield of his Ferrari.

And I suppose you made a copy.

Sorry, no.

I wrote it on the side
of a Mencia Tequila case.

But you definitely said
that that wasn't cool?

I don't remember my exact words, but yeah.

It was like, "hey, stay off my property."

Can't imagine Harcourt's
gonna turn over that note.

Why would he keep something like that?

Guys, my grandfather lost
that house in the '95 storm,

and then he died before he
had a chance to rebuild it.

I-I've gotten hundreds of
offers to sell the property,

but I do not want one more castle going up,

blocking people's view of their ocean.

This isn't just about me.

I can't let him take it.

We're gonna get it back for you, brother.

- See you tomorrow.
- Okay, bye.

Wendy. My, my, my.

You clean up pretty well, officer.

Bash. You stalking me?

It's not really stalking when...

Well, yes, I am stalking you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Mm. You always smell fantastic,

like leather and conditioner.

You know, technically, I'm working,

since I'm here testifying
for the prosecution.

Right. Sorry.

Why don't, uh... Why
don't we go in my office?

There's something up with this cop.

I-I just... I want you to look into him

so I know what I'm up against.

Then you're gonna need
to find out for yourself.

I...I totally get that you
have to protect your career.

All I'm asking for is...

I've got no problem taking down a rogue cop,

but just 'cause you piss someone
off doesn't make him dirty.

If it did, I'd be the
dirtiest cop on the force.

It's too bad it didn't work out with us.

Yeah.

Hope you're not mad.

Mad?

I don't even know why we stopped going out.

I miscalendered one date,

- and someone got...
- "Miscalendered."

It was a weekend in Napa.

I had a wine-for-two weekend for one.

Not the way I remember it.

You always had to win.

I do not.

I can't help you with this guy.

Come back with more. Maybe we'll talk.

Well, maybe we can talk anyhow sometime.

You know where to find me.

Can you believe that?

Well, she does have a point.

No, she's wrong. I don't
always have to be right.

- Yeah, you kind of do.
- I do not.

Are you getting any of
the irony here, buddy?

'Cause it's...

Peter Bash? Jared Franklin?

Last we checked.

And this is our home,

which you seem to be in without a warrant.

Here's a warrant.

He got a warrant!

- There's a warrant.
- What's it for?

We're with the department of fish and game.

We received an anonymous caltip
report of animal cruelty at this location.

Animal cruelty?

Now, that's got to be a mistake, boys,

- 'cause we love animals.
- Absolutely.

I slept with my two Guinea
pigs in my bed till I was 14.

- I shouldn't tell people that, huh?
- This guy.

Were you racing lobsters here
on the night of June 28th?

What are you? Crazy? We beat him by a mile.

This guy.

It's a violation of
California penal code 597

and ocean sport fishing
regulation subsection 1.

Come with us, please.

What? For racing lobsters?

Come on, guys. People eat them.

Don't forget illegal poaching of
a crustacean without a license.

- This guy.
- Why you doing this?

I wonder if that's what the
little lobsters were thinking

when you put the whip to them.

"The whip"?

I'm an outdoorsman.

I care about wildlife.

Ohh.

Oh, man.

This is about more than
a trespassing charge.

I mean, he's pissed.
He's trying to get even.

He's trumping up charges to send us to jail.

I'd say he's even.

Shotgun.

Don't say "shotgun."

We're probably riding in the back anyway.

Hey, if we're not, can I have shotgun?

Finally.

Sorry. I turn off my phone at night.

I wasn't aware that being on
call to bring toiletries to jail

was part of my job description.

How is that not obvious?

I've got your bail going,

but it's gonna take a couple
of hours, so just hang tight.

Number four bristles?
What am I? Secretariat?

What did you guys do?

We crossed that cop Mueller,

and apparently he's got friends in here,

'cause this has not been
a five-star experience.

Yeah, he wants to try on my contact lenses.

Look into Mueller.

Find out if there's anything
we did to piss him off.

Check to see if he was an arresting
officer in one of our cases.

All right. I'm on it.

Why are you smiling?

Well, six months ago,

I was spending 18 hours a
day drafting interrogatories.

Now I'm in jail.

No, we're in jail. You're next to jail.

Big difference.

You said you'd get me in
the game, and you did.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm glad our incarceration
has reenergized you.

Now do us a favor and get us out of here.

Never been scrubbed gelike this before.

It's like being punished for one's sins

and cleansed of them all at the same time.

Any sins in particular?

No.

Well, um...

Just one.

Mm?

You met with Damien Karp of Hartman Frank.

Damien just happens to be my nephew.

Oh?

He thinks that I'm holding
him back professionally.

Are you?

No, no, no.

Just the opposite, actually.

I...I'm protecting him.

From what?

Himself.

Oh, he's mercurial, unpredictable.

Well, I do not call
"protecting a nephew" a sin.

Well, he's a pervert.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

He sends videos of himself self-pleasuring.

Consorts with sex workers.

Yeah.

He seeks the moment of delight

with no thought to the future.

Yes. Sometimes this "moment
of delight" is quite perilous.

Mm?

A judge died at his hand.

Now...

Homicide was never proven,

but... where there's smoke.

Was the judge an adversary?

Oh, I doubt whether he
would've impaled a five iron

into the judge's skull
just for taking a mulligan.

Hm. Those are extreme ends of the spectrum.

From self-pleasuring to physical violence?

Yes, well, he's nothing if not versatile.

So, do you think I'm wrong
in trying to protect him?

Or shall I just let him fend for himself?

Sounds like he does quite well on his own.

Yes, well, I'm glad I
sought another opinion.

And the lobsters are actually
back in the Pacific, Your Honor.

You freed them?

Uh, actually, we, excuse me.

They passed out, and the lobsters escaped.

The taxpayers' meter is running.

I'll give you both time served.

Order their immediate release.

And no more lobster racing!

Lesson learned, Your Honor.

Yeah. From now on, we'll
only boil them alive,

crack their shells, and
suck out their insides.

Uh, thank you, Your Honor.

Thank you.

Good work, Anita.

Uh, from the office.

Judge Walsh wants you
in court in four minutes.

- What?
- Come on.

Apparently, the court's been
sending you text notices.

We don't have our phones.

We've been in jail.

Excuse me, where are our clothes?

You'd have to ask LAPD.

They were apparently lost
after you were booked.

Mueller.

So, Mr. Harcourt, it's your position

that you were totally above-board

with how you went about
stealing Dewey Barba's land?

Objection. Argumentative.

I'm sorry. Did Mr. Harcourt's
lawyer join the D.A.'s office?

She has no business making objections.

You have no business making objections.

Objection to the objection sustained.

Sit down, Ms. Wells!

Oh, um, what... what she said.

Objection. Uh, argumentative.

Sustained.

I can see the puppet strings, Mr. Darsow.

Mr. Harcourt,

I ha a signed affidavit

from my client swearing he
hand-delivered you a note

written on the side of a Tequila case,

telling you to stop encroaching on his land.

Is he lying?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I-I-I did get a note,

but that is not what it said.

And you just expect us
to take your word for it.

Or I could show you the note.

Objection, Your Honor.

We've been asking for this note for a week,

and Mr. Harcourt's lawyer
said he couldn't find it.

Yeah, uh, it was in the study
of my Aspen home, Your Honor.

I'm very sorry about that.

"Yes, it was stuck under a bag
of diamonds on my faberge egg."

Come on, Your Honor.

I'll... I'll allow it. Bring
the note forward.

Oh, yeah. That's... that's it.

That's... that's... that's my stationery.

Is this your handwriting, Mr. Barba?

Uh, y-yeah.

Then the note is admitted.

Mr. Barba, could you
please read your message

to Mr. Harcourt out loud?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Oh. I'm... I'm... I'm pretty
sure the first word's "dude."

Oh, for the record, it
looks nothing like "dude."

No, I-I start all my letters with "dude."

Mm-hmm. Okay...

What about after "dude"?

Uh...

Well, I know... I know it's
my signature at the end,

'cause I always make a little
smiley face out of the "R".

It's cute, right?

But you can't make out anything in between.

Uh, Your Honor, uh, if... if I may,

I mean, I-I could read this clear as day.

Dewey.

It says, "pursuant to Malibu code 4514,

I'm hereby requesting
you stay off of my land."

No, I'm pretty sure that's not what it says.

That's exactly what it says,
Your Honor. Clear as day.

No, I would never use words
that big... "Pursuant"?

Dewey, really.

Mr. Barba.

You know, that weekend was kind of a blur.

Buffett, uh, he always brings the party.

Your Honor, the defendants
have presented no evidence

suggesting Mr. Barba objected to the witness

taking possession of his land.

I agree.

Because the five-year period has lapsed,

I'm inclined to rule

that Mr. Harcourt validly
acquired the property in question,

which means you were all trespassing.

Gentlemen...

You better have something very
special up your sleeves for tomorrow.

Oh, we always do, Your Honor. We always do.

We can't paddle out later, Dewey.

We got work to do on your case.

Oh. Well, h-how boned am I?

Like a filet.

Filets are boneless, dude.

Not before you bone them.

De-bone them. Dewey, look, we're sorry,

but you're not really helping us out here.

So, Mueller's written 11 trespassing tickets

at Harcourt's house in the past 2 years.

11?

Also, Mundy pulled some paparazzi photos

from some charity function
at Harcourt's house.

Look who's working security.

Oh!

That's why he's coming after us.

He works for Harcourt.

Has his own private beach cop.

Wait. If Harcourt's been paying a cop

to kick people off his land,
that's unclean hands.

Which means Harcourt's adverse
possession claim on Dewey's land

goes away because it was obtained illegally.

Dewey gets his property back.

W-w-wait. We're getting closer...

The tickets and Mueller
moonlighting with Harcourt...

But it's still all just smoke.

What we need now is fire.

- So, your nephew is in the...
- Ah, ah!

He's not my nephew.

He is Damien Karp, esquire, attorney at law.

Okay, so Damien karp, esquire,
attorney at law, is here.

Ooh. Uh, okay.

Listen, you better have
security standing by.

Oh, um Damien.

Stanton. So, I just spoke to Doug Satoh.

Apparently, so did you... about me.

Damien, I-I-I don't
know what came over me.

I can't believe you would
do this after our talk.

Clearly, it's personal,

because you don't have an
ounce of respect for me.

Oh, I do respect you, Damien. My God, I do.

I-I-I'm so sorry.

Well, I'm turning Satoh down.

I don't want his business.

Excuse me?

Satoh... he wants to sign with me.

You landed the whale?

Yes. After he spoke to you,

he said he was sold on the
elasticity of my character.

Oh. Splendid.

Oh, yeah. He thinks we have the
right chemistry to work together.

He wants me to travel with him.

Every word I told him
about you was the truth.

Well, thank you, Uncle Stanton,

for once again chewing my food for me.

You can expect a call from Satoh.

And congratulations.

Oh, just one last thing.

Don't call me for Thanksgiving,

Liverpool on the dish,
pimps and whores party.

In fact, make it simple.
Just lose my number.

Here for a job application?

I was speaking with my uncle.

Ah, I heard he went scorched-earth on you.

You didn't kill him, did you?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

- I'm leaving.
- I'm leaving.

God, if there was a vacuum tube

that got me out of here faster, I'd take it.

Yeah, you do suck.

Wait, what did you mean "scorched-earth"?

Ooh, I got to take this.

So, is that enough evidence
for you that Mueller's dirty?

You should file a
complaint at Parker center.

This guy's no good.

Yeah, it's a little trickier than that.

You obtained this illegally.

What? Us? No.

It's all public record.

I want the dirty cop.

So do I.

You've been known to
be a dirty cop yourself.

There's bad dirty, and
then there's good dirty.

I forgot how good dirty you could be.

Especially when I'm angry.

Oh, I love when you get angry.

How about I allow you to vent
some of that anger out on me,

release those two years
of pent-up frustration?

You assume I've been pent
up since we broke up.

That's pretty arrogant, counselor.

It's one of my better qualities.

Anyone can come in.

Let them.

What makes you think he's coming out?

He's got a 9:30 back waxing.

How would you know that?

'Cause he goes to the
same place I get my facials.

Dude, I've said it before.

Good grooming is the key to good living.

You've never said that.

You shouldn't say that.

You know this isn't gonna work, right?

- Probably not.
- Yeah.

Oh, here we go.

All right.

- Hi!
- Hi!

What are you doing?

Besides trespassing...

Again?

You are a very hard man to reach.

Not when I want to talk to the person.

- Oh.
- You're blocking my driveway.

Oh. You know what?

We'll leave, but answer this one question.

Why do you have to own half the
houses on this stretch of beach?

Because I can afford to.

Look at you, you rich son of a bitch.

You stole our client's property.

Yeah, and all the back waxing in the world

isn't gonna change that, Chewbacca.

Why don't you guys just go? Leave.

We're not going anywhere.

In fact, we're gonna stay here so long

we're gonna claim ownership

of this piece of property right over there.

Yeah, we're gonna be your new neighbors.

You're gonna see this face every day.

- Borrowing sugar, towels.
- Yeah.

What's going on here?

Officer, uh, these
gentlemen are trespassing.

I want them out.

Officer, we did no such thing.

We are not trespassing. We are lawyers,

and we are exercising our
right to free assembly.

Being a lawyer doesn't trump everything.

Lawyers can be guilty of trespassing.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

- We do this for a living, right?
- Yeah.

And she's telling us how to do our job?

You're telling us the law?

Funny. When I show up,
most people call me the law.

Could you please just get
them the hell out of here?

- I would love to see that.
- Wow. So would I.

Does she scare you?

No, 'cause I thought it was my birthday.

I thought you were like...

Did you? You thought she was a stripper?

I did! I'm sorry, but I did.

Sir, I'm gonna need you
to listen to my words.

Oh, here we go.

- "But watch my body while I..."
- Yeah!

You're glad, but...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Stripper, huh?

Dude, are you okay?

Okay, that might be excessive force.

You're gonna need to stand back,

- unless you want the same thing.
- I-I could be wrong.

Sir, I need you to stand back, as well.

Holy mother.

I thought you were just gonna cuff me.

I had to sell it.

But my ass is doing some
really weird things right now.

But I'm okay. I'm okay.

Geez.

You okay? Cramp in my leg.

Sorry you had to see that.

Oh, no, no, no. It's okay.

Impressive, really.

We really could use more officers
like you out here, officer...

Wendy McQuaig.

Sirs, I'm gonna need you to settle down!

Sorry. I got it officer. Shh!

I want the firm to place an ad

in the program for the Oakwood fundraiser.

Okay.

Uh, ooh.

What's this? Package-to-package contact.

Easy, Damien.

I called Satoh after I heard that
you went scorched-earth on me.

Okay.

And he told me what you said about me.

You emptied the whole closet...
Even the masturbation tape.

- He led with that.
- Mm.

And yet Satoh still wanted to sign with me.

Apparently so.

But you... you see, right?

I can survive on my own.
I don't need your help.

No, you do not need my help,
and I am very happy for you.

So are we.

I love anything that keeps you away from us.

Well, all right. Feeling's mutual.

And I hope you don't
mind, but, um, I told Satoh

that I'd like to keep him on as a client,

and he said he's gonna think about it.

Well, he did think about it.

Satoh signed with us this morning.

What?

- Wait. No.
- Oh, no!

But you can tell Satoh
that I changed my mind

the first time on principle.

Damien, that's exactly
what you told me not to do.

You told me to stop protecting you.

You're sending mixed signals, dude.

He can't keep changing your diapers for you.

- He wears diapers?
- He wears diapers.

Well, have a nice day.

- What's that smell?
- It's his diaper.

Oh. Looks like he needs a change.

Yeah.

Well, you two must think I'm stupid...

That stunt you pulled in
front of Harcourt's house.

- Stunt? I got hit by 75,000 volts.
- Mm.

Not as painful as hearing him
whine about it all morning, but...

You're trying to make that
trespassing ticket go away

by proving Harcourt had
me in his back pocket.

Ah, see, we're not really trying,
'cause we have evidence.

Hard evidence.

You mean Officer Wendy McQuaig?

She goes up on that stand
and takes out a colleague,

well, hmm.

After you two go back to your lobster races

and turning courtrooms into bouncy houses,

well, she's gonna have to work around us.

You better not be threatening.

How do you think they feel about
cops ratting out their own?

That'll all be on you two.

You're insane.

Mm-hmm, and I'm late.
You two, enjoy your day.

I'll see you in court.

I told you, I don't care.

Wendy, you don't know this guy.

I know he's dirty,

which makes the rest of us look bad.

Put me on the stand.

I want to take this guy down.

We hear you, and we'll
do what we have to do.

I got to go.

You're mad. I'll call you later.

She's mad.

We can't put her on the stand.

I mean, if she testifies against a cop,

she's gonna be looking over her
shoulder the rest of her career.

Then we're gonna lose Dewey's case.

You heard what she said.
Let her choose for herself.

If there was some way to get her to testify

that Harcourt tried to illegally hire her

to keep people off his property

but just keep Mueller's name out of it.

Tough needle to thread.

Yeah.

Look, I know how you're feeling, buddy,

but this is what's best for the client

and it's what Wendy wants.

She said that she wants
to take Mueller down.

She knows the risks.

Tell you what. Why don't
you let me handle this?

Take the emotion out of it.

Maybe.

But maybe we should keep the emotion in it.

Good morning, officer.

Morning.

Not the first time I've
examined you in court, is it?

No.

How'd the other case go

the last time I had you on the stand?

You won.

Which is roughly when
you fell in love with me.

Objection!

Is there any relevance to this little
trip down memory lane, Mr. Bash?

Just trying to derne if this witness

has any bias towards or
against me as I question her.

No bias towards you, I promise.

Would this have anything to do

with a certain weekend in a
certain wine country where I...

I'm not gonna answer any of these questions.

Which is the very definition

of a hostile witness, Your Honor.

Permission to treat her as such.

Yes. I'm feeling a little
hostile myself, Mr. Bash,

so move it along.

Officer Wendy McQuaig,

I'm gonna ask you some questions,

and you can only use the
answer "yes" or "no."

Am I clear?

Yes.

Did you go to Mr. Harcourt's
house yesterday?

Yes. I went there...

Remember... "Yes" or "no."

Yes.

Good.

Now, you recorded Mr. Harcourt
using your dashboard camera,

because you heard a
report of illegal activity

and you wanted to catch him.

It's simple.

I give you a little extra money.

You give me a little extra police service.

It works great.

I've been doing it for years
to keep my land private.

You missed the part where he named...

Your Honor.

Just answer the questions, please, officer.

Was that Mr. Harcourt making
that offer to you on that tape?

Yes or no?

Yes.

Thank you, officer.

And thank you for your
excellent service to our city.

Your Honor, because of
Mr. Harcourt's illegal attempt

to bribe officers of the law
to keep people off his land,

we ask the court to find that
there were unclean hands.

Which means that there are no
grounds for the trespassing ticket.

Which means Dewey Barba gets
to keep his land, Your Honor.

So ruled.

Oh!

Witness may be excused.

And I'm back to hearing jaywalking tickets.

It's over, Dewey.

No. I told you guys.

I told you, that was my
handwriting on the...

Okay, Dewey, Dewey, we won.

- We won?
- We won.

Well, that's better.

That is better.

Well, you won.

Kind of a draw for my partner.

What's that?

Nothing.

Gentlemen.

Thought you didn't like court.

Well, I liked it today.

You're welcome. And just so you know,

we didn't pull our punches
because you intimidated us.

Fine.

Then let's just call you smart lawyers.

I'll see you two around.

Yeah. I bet you will.

You know what this calls for?

- Victory party?
- Exactly.

And I have the entertainment all lined up.

- Oh yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

Little something Officer Wendy sent over.

You thought she was a stripper?

I did!

Oh!

Dude, are you okay?

You need to stand back.

Yeah, real funny.

Real funny, animals.

I'd like to see how you react
to getting lit up like that.

I better not see this on YouTube.

And you, you looked like you
were having way too much fun.

Just so you know, I'm going after Mueller.

I'll just have to get him another way.

And I know you better than
to try to talk you out of it.

Call me the next time
you're feeling hostile.

Hey, Peter.

Where's Wendy?

Had to go.

She gonna be around?

When it comes right down to it, buddy,

aren't we all around, together?

That is some heavy stuff right there, bro.

Come on, Dewey. Let's get a drink.

Yeah.

It's tough to say what
couples are gonna work.

Oh, yeah. It's complicated.

Best couples that shouldn't work, but do.

Go.

Hayden Panetierre and,
um, Wladimir Klitschko.

There's like a 1-yard height difference.

- That can be a good thing.
- Ooh!

Always thinking outside the box.