Franklin & Bash (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 7 - Control - full transcript

3x07 - Control

The conference on the mound
is breaking up.

And it looks like Kasso's
gonna stick with Zach Harvin

- to finish this one out.
- Zach Harvin's one out

away from notching his
minor-league-leading 30th save,

but it looks like he's on empty, Jared.

- I'm not sure, skip.
- Peter. It's Peter.

You know, skip, what I really
like about those uniforms ...

the blue it brings out
in Zach Harvin's eyes.

Take a look at those eyes. It
makes you swim around in them,

maybe take a home-run lap in them.



- Dude. Dude, please.
- What?

Hey! Anybody know the Heimlich?!
'Cause Harvin's about to choke!

- That's the Heckler.
- You see what I'm talking about?

- Zachary!
- Yeah.

Yeah. We see it.

Come on. His eyes?

You're the play-by-play.
I'm the color commentator.

Color commentator doesn't
mean you commentate

- on the color of his eyes.
- I comment on the color.

- Oh! Oh!
- I got it. Right here.

- Aah! Thank you.
- Hey. Whoa.

Right here. I never got one.

Never got one. You could make my day.

Please? This could be the day I ...



- That's it. It's his turn.
- Thank you. Thank you.

I get the ball. I get the ball.

High and tight, low and away,
then let's go get a beer!

Hey, Zach!
Zachary!

I got your mom on the
phone. She says number 2

is about to take you
deeper than a Chilean miner!

That doesn't even make sense.

What does a Chilean
miner and his mother ...

I'll tell you, if someone
doesn't shut this guy up, I will.

And that ball is driven deep to right.

- Going, going, gone!
- Ohh.

Oh, yeah!
Get out of here!

Stars lose, and
Zach Harvin blows the save.

I get it. I get it.

Oh! Whoo!

You suck 11 different cow teats.
That's how badly you suck.

You know, people come to Stars
games to have fun, be happy.

Saturday night we're
letting the little kids

ride sheep bucking-bronc style.

Sheep rides? But, look, as your
attorney, I got to tell you,

if you don't let the
adults ride the sheep,

you could be opening yourself up

- for a major discrimination
lawsuit. - Major.

I'll risk it.

Now, could we, uh, focus
on the matter at hand?

You have anti-obscenity
rules here, don't you?

Yeah, but he's never really obscene.

Good thing about baseball ...
it's become a world international sport.

So, what's obscene about that?

Nothing here, but in Spain, Portugal,

and parts of the Baltic, you
just called Zach's mom a whore.

- What?
- I would say that qualifies as obscene

in a multi-ethnic,
family-friendly stadium.

No. No. There's no way.

Okay. You know what, guys?
I got rights.

Well, it says on your ticket
that the stadium reserves

the right to eject anyone
using obscene gestures.

Yeah, go ahead.
Get him out of here.

- Okay.
- You know what? We are not done.

Thanks, guys.
I'm glad he won't be here

for the second game of
the doubleheader.

- Yeah.
- We're closers.

Oh, oh. Got anybody
on the, uh, old D.L.?

What is that ... your golf swing?

what's wrong, buddy?
We rocked that.

Excuse me. Charlie's got her
second interview in San Francisco.

Why don't you just
tell her not to take it?

I can't. I can't tell her to stay.

Nothing like women
trouble, if you ask me.

I've been there.

Hey, can you, uh, push
11, there, partner?

- Oh, no, we're, uh ... we're
already going there. - Oh.

- You're headed up to
Infeld/Daniels/King? - Yes, sir.

Going up to see Rachel King.
Y'all know her?

Yes, sir. Got the
scars to prove it. Yeah.

She the woman troubles
you're talking about?

Yeah, but not the way you mean it.
She's my baby sister.

Yeah, that's right.

That is unbelievable!

I should have never told you.
Ray gun's gonna kill me.

You never told us you were

A teen beauty pageant winner, Ray gun.

- Hugh. No call?
- You might have said you were busy.

"Infeld, Daniels, King"?

- Last?
- I bat cleanup.

Third's not cleanup.
We're the baseball experts.

and it looks like we're
playing both ends of the doubleheader.

We're needed back at the stadium.

- We got that clown thrown out.
- Maybe not.

Mandy. Mandy. I ...
says it's urgent.

All right, before I go, just
tell me what your talent was.

Line dancing? Pole dancing?

Yodeling?
Say it was yodeling. Hey.

Okay, tell you what. Say
nothing if it was yodeling.

It was yodeling, wasn't it?
Yodeler!

♪ Ray gun loves to yodel ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ such a vivid picture ♪

♪ ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ if I must say so myself ♪

Pascoe ag is taking
over the whole valley.

Parkers sold their place.
Hargraves sold theirs.

What the hell, sis?
This guy's a communist.

I bill at $800 an hour, Hugh.
And since you're not paying...

Well, I bought what was supposed to be

grade-"A" champion bull semen
from Pascoe ag.

And what I had to pay
for the damn stuff,

you would have thought that the calves

would have come out
slam-dunking a basketball.

But instead they were
skinny and worthless.

So I contacted Pascoe, and
they told me that I must have

inseminated the cows
wrong and ruined the semen,

- which is a bunch of bull.
- Ruined semen?

You couldn't have an
Alabama lawyer try this case?

I do have an Alabama lawyer. You.

King family's got to
stick together, right?

Other than indignation
and those same ugly boots

you've been wearing since
the '80s, what do you have?

Well, I got a paper trail
about a half-mile long

and a veterinarian who will swear

- that we inseminated the cows correctly.
- Fine.

"Fine" as...
you'll take the case?

King family sticks together, right?

- Don't.
- Don't what?

Think about the Taft-Grant
championship of '97.

Don't do it. It'll drive you crazy.

- There were scouts at that game.
- I know.

You know what my box score was?

Dude, it was 15 years ago.
How am I supposed to remember?

0 for 5. I went 0 for 5.

Not to mention the two
errors you had at shortstop.

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, guys. Mandy?

Hey, yeah. Mike Dixon, the
owner, gave me your number.

- Jared Franklin, Peter Bash.
- What's going on?

What's going on is I gacked.
I coughed it up again.

- Zach, come on.
- I threw a fastball to Molina.

That's all he can hit.

I'm an idiot. I cost us both games.

Collins could have helped you
with that fly ball to center.

Yeah, with a jet pack, maybe.
That ball was smoked.

Thanks, Mandy.

He's in a slump. He'll pull out.

He needs to do it right now.

There's only three
games left in the season.

And Zach was looking at a
September call-up to the show.

- "Was"? - I've been announcing
a lot of Stars baseball,

and I'm telling you guys,
Zach had the goods

to make it in the bigs
until that Heckler showed up.

Well, the Hecklers in the
majors are a lot worse.

Wait till he goes to Philly.

Yeah, Zach knows that, but
this guy is beyond obnoxious.

- Yeah, but we had the Heckler
thrown out of the stadium. - Yeah.

I know.
But he's back.

- He is hanging out over there.
- Where?

There's heckling, and
then there's harassment.

This guy isn't a fan.
He isn't even a Heckler.

But he might be a stalker.

Well, that would help
us. Can you prove it?

No. There's been a lot
of late-night hang-ups.

And one time he parked his
R.V. outside of Zach's apartment

and started blasting that
stadium anthem song ...

you know, "na na hey
hey kiss him goodbye."

- Steam. Awesome track.
- Mm.

- Oh, man. Now that's in my head.
- Yeah, I know.

All right, we'll take the
case, see if we can get

a restraining order, make
him have to move the R.V.

But I got to tell you, I don't know

if we're helping Zach in the long run.

He's got to toughen up mentally.

Attention, young lawyers in love!
The verdict is in!

Teddy Lazlo, 1,
Ren & Stimpy, 1!

Tie ballgame! Looks like
we're going into extra innings!

You want to play, or you gonna take
your tiny balls and go home?

- I hate this guy.
- Let's do this.

So, Teddy Lazlo, we meet again.

Man, you've got a big head.

Either that or it's
bobblehead night. Heh.

I got to... bobblehead night.

Stand-up comedian.

I tend to do the big-head
jokes around here.

Look, we realize you're having
a good time and all, but, uh ...

Why don't you lay off Zach Harvin?
He's just doing his job.

- Yeah. No.
- You really hate the Stars that much?

No. I really like the
Montclair Mongoose.

- They're not even playing.
- They're the Stars' archrival,

and they're a game out of the playoffs.

Zach has a couple more outings
like that, and the goose are loose!

You're not gonna record that?

Already did. Patent pending.

- Excuse us a minute.
- Hey, knock yourselves out. Seriously.

Although with that big head of
yours, it might take some doing.

- Okay. Well...
- This guy's a problem.

He's that one fan who could
actually help his team.

How about if we bribe him?

Offer him a couple bucks,
he takes off.

Attention, young lawyers!
Actually, not so young.

I'm using this megaphone

'cause you're having
a hard time hearing me.

I'm gonna sit here,
work on my base tan,

cook brats on my hibachi,
and enjoy America,

and help the Mongoose win
by heckling that guy.

Judge Dinsdale.

Oh. Your uncle says you
have a decent golf game.

Stanton and I need a fourth

for a charity tournament out
at Sawbridge this weekend.

Stanton didn't mention anything,

but I am always happy
to help with charity.

What's the cause?

Somebody starving
somewhere. Africa, probably.

But this is really about my golf game,

which is about to become
much, much more important to me

and possibly to you, too,
if you know what I mean.

I think I do, sir. Thank you.

Oh. Meet me at the Sawbridge
range this afternoon.

- We'll hit a few balls.
- Absolutely. I'll be there.

"Honorable."

If this Heckler's not a public nuisance,

we got to figure out
another way to shut him down.

Hey. So, how's the case going?

It's tricky, but, uh,
we're working on it.

I envy you boys in the trenches,
slugging it out in court.

You know, my foundation,
it's a wonderful distraction,

but I do miss the creak of the boards,

the smell of greasepaint.

Theater. You know, a
well-argued legal motion

is very like a perfectly executed play.

You know, I worked my
way through law school

- as a stagehand in London's west end.
- Uh, sir, excuse me.

- The Heckler is a Mongoose fan, right?
- Yeah.

They had a home game today.

Uh, actually, I hadn't quite finished

telling you the story
about the west end.

We got to get Carmen to get more info
on this Teddy Lazlo and his R.V.

Yeah, Zach may have to pitch tomorrow,
so we got to try to get an injunction.

You're gonna convince a
judge that getting heckled

- is worthy of an injunction?
- Yes. Yes, we are.

Sir, how would you like
to get back onstage?

"Once more into the breach,
dear friends, once more...

or close the wall up
with our English dead."

- Hmm.
- "Henry V."

- Shakespeare?
- Is that a "yes"?

- Yes... that is a "yes."
- You didn't have to do

the "once more" thing,
'cause that just threw me.

Yes! Yes.

- Hi, neighbor.
- Hi. Hi. Good.

Come on in.

Oh, I can't. I just
came to drop him off.

Oh. Well, I'm sure that
Pindar will be very happy

that the band is back together.

You sure you don't want to come in?

I can't. I have a million things to do.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Oh, one thing, though.

Um, your loquat tree,
it's been dropping fruit in my backyard,

and potential buyers are getting
all their shoes messed up.

Yeah. Uh, I'll cut the branch.

- Please. Thank you.
- Yeah. All right.

- Okay, cool.
- Okay. All right.

- I-I'll see you? I'll call you.
- Yes. Sure. Okay.

Okay, great. Thanks for this.

Insemination isn't just
about the inseminating.

It's also about the
storage of the semen.

The semen was stored in
a liquid-Nitrogen tank.

I've inseminated dozens
of cows at the Kings' ranch

since I graduated from cornell
college of veterinary medicine.

The ranch did nothing wrong.

Good enough to get it to a jury.
Motion to dismiss denied.

Mr. King, do you have
any remaining semen

- from the lot you were sold?
- I do, ma'am.

I want the semen lot
numbers traced and tested.

Your honor, that is why Zach Harvin

deserves an injunction
protecting him from Teddy Lazlo.

- Mr. Beraka?
- An injunction against a fan cheering?

How about an injunction
against apple pie and America?

Nice rug!

Not you, your honor! You, counselor!

I'm not wearing ...
where's that coming from?

How about an injunction
against Teddy the Heckler

- from the poor chair he's sitting in?
- It's over here.

That's cruel and unusual punishment!

Ha ha! Is that the best you got?

Still better than your stuff!

- Now, where's that coming from?
- Down here.

- Mr. Infeld?
- I have no idea, your honor.

- I'm not a ventriloquist.
- no, over here. No. The other way.

- At least not professionally.
- You're getting warm.

I love doing this from here.

I might never go to court again.

Imagine what we could do to Pindar.

I know you must be
perturbed, your honor...

...with all this ruckus going on outside.

Hey, judge regal! I know what
you're wearing under your robe!

Really? Naked under the robe.

- That's where you're going
with this? - Another robe!

That's how boring you are! Ha!

- Better.
- I know I could barely do my job...

- ...with all this pandemonium going on.
- Here I am. Nope. Nope.

- And, yes, your honor, it should be stopped.
- No. Over here. No. The other way.

- In the same way that Zach Harvin's harassment
- You're getting warm. You're getting warmer.

at the hands of Teddy the Heckler
should be halted by injunction.

How many bailiffs does
it take to find us?

- Ha! Under penal code section 415, harassment ...
- Not enough!

You know, if you're trying to
equate booing a baseball player...

Oh, no. Cold. Colder.
The other way. No, no.

...with what Franklin and Bash are
doing in this courtroom today ...

Franklin and who? Those don't
even sound like real names!

Your honor, i-It's more
than booing and jeering.

This is harassment.

And quite frankly, I think
it goes beyond the pale.

You want beyond the pale?
We'll show you beyond the pale!

Suck on this! You ready?

Hold, please!

I-I'm tapped. Carmen?

- Oh, I'm the getaway driver.
- All right.

Hecklers rest!

Thank you.
It's a valiant effort, Mr. Infeld.

But this nonsense, while annoying,

in no way affects my
ability to do my job.

Are you certain, your honor?

Because I-I see the veins in your neck.
They're ... they're beginning to throb.

Fan passion bordering on
Vitriol is as old as the game,

so tell your client to get
his panties out of a wad

and play a little baseball.
And your request for an injunction...

...denied.

- Thank you.
- Hello?

Goodbye! Leave a message!

I think that went well.
I think they get the picture.

- Uh, we should go.
- Watch where you're going.

- Watch where you're going.
- Oh, I am! I am!

- You're going backwards.
- Go that way. Okay.

- I'm on it. I'm on it.
- Go, go. Right there. North!

Ha!

I can see why you want
to do more of this.

- Oh, yeah?
- It's meditative.

After all those years on the
bench, you deserve a break.

It's no wonder Stanton
didn't ask you to play.

You have a very odd backswing.

I-It works pretty well
for me, your honor.

And you hold your club
like I hold my johnson.

Is ... is that a bad thing?

I'm mean, I'm not familiar with
how you hold your johnson, but...

If I don't beat Millikin,
it'll be another year

of him strutting around here
like the cock of the walk.

Millikin?
This isn't about your retiring.

This is all about
beating that guy Millikin?

That's why golf's becoming
more important to you?

You know, I could make an origami swan

in the time it takes you
to pull your club back.

Can you fix that?
I-I don't want to be out here

playing "hit the ball and drag karp."

Good one, your honor.

I still can't believe we lost.

Really? I'm always more
surprised when we win.

Oh, look who it is. Hey.

Solid getaway driving yesterday.

- Thank you.
- Best getaway-drive scene?

Fixing the hyperdrive on
the Millennium Falcon,

- "Empire Strikes Back."
- Good answer.

It's a great answer,
but I cannot allow it,

'cause I said best getaway "drive,"

- Not "fly."
- Not "fly."

The correct answer would
have been "the Driver."

- Classic Statham.
- Um, hello?

What did you find out about Teddy?

Teddy is a stand-up comedian ...

- A really bad one.
- We knew that.

He does open-mike night
Mondays at the Yucks Hut,

- Thursdays at Boo-Ya!
- That doesn't pay the bills.

Well, his day job is at Petmax.

He does this bit about what the
pets do after the store closes.

It's excruciating.

How does a struggling
comic who works at Petmax

- afford that R.V.?
- Well, I asked him.

All I got was that it
was paid for in cash.

He doesn't seem to know much about it.

Like someone else bought it for him.

Someone who hates the
Stars enough to pay a comic

to get in the head of
their best reliever?

The Montclair Mongoose go that far?

We should ask the Stars' biggest fan.

Excuse me.
Charlie.

Charlie.

- Hey. Is everything okay?
- Yeah. Why?

I have three missed calls from you.

I was calling about the loquat tree.

- What?
- Pindar says that gardeners

were cutting down the branches, so...

Yeah, I just decided to
take care of it myself.

Listen ... I'm running
late for this interview.

How's it going up there?

It's good. Um...

Peter, I...

I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

You're breaking up with me?
On the phone?

This really isn't easy.

- You're making it sound pretty easy.
- Peter, I'm sorry.

I just really think this
is best for both of us.

I have to go.

Hey, we got to get back to the stadium.

We split up.

- You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Let's go.

Give me some good news.

Turns out the semen you
got wasn't contaminated.

It just didn't come from
Bodacious, the champion bull.

I got imposter spunk!

These guys are bigger
crooks than I thought.

- What? - How did you know
it would be good news?

Well, I mean,
how do I know that honey's sweet?

I mean, it's just the truth.

That smile ... that's why
I can't have you testify.

I don't need to testify. I got you.

Beside, Pascoe's gonna pay now, right?

No. They're sticking to their guns.

Well, that's a big mistake against
the King family. Big mistake.

And it looks like Kasso's

going to bring in
Wiznewski to save this.

"The Franchise," as he was
called when he joined the Stars,

hasn't seen much work lately.

Let's see how he does

right after these words
from MacMurray Plumbing.

This should be Zach's save.

Now I'm gonna have to interview
"Wiz." He loves to talk.

- I take it you'd rather interview Zach?
- Look, I don't think

another team would pay
Teddy to do this to win.

As much as the guys love to win,

the minors aren't about championships.

They're about feeding the
majors, launching careers.

If it's not
about wins and losses,

maybe it's just someone
messing with Zach, not the team.

Yeah, 'cause it's not
hard enough to make it

in baseball without
fighting a personal vendetta.

Zach have an ex or
angry business partner,

- somebody who hates him?
- Uh, guys?

Warming the bench, Cupcake Queen?

Zach? No. He's a really
sweet guy. Everyone loves him.

I'm sure that's true, but that sweet guy

is about to beat the
crap out of the Heckler.

Hey! Cupcake Queen!

I'm sure they'll just use their words.

Oh, sure.

- Oh.
- Nope.

You're done. Yeah.
You're doing time, pal.

Bye-Bye.

Zach, you weren't even in the game.

- How did he make you lose it?
- I didn't lose it.

You smashed every window
and light in his R.V.

- You murdered his hibachi.
- He called me fat.

- I'm sorry. What?
- He called me fat.

"Fat"? That's it?

Well, I mean, after all
the filthy crap he said

about my mom, my aunt, my sister,

yeah, fat was just
kind of the last straw.

Well, you're ... you're
not. You're not fat.

You look great.

I've put on a few pounds,
all right? I stress eat.

I've been mowing cupcakes at my locker,

and so when he made a crack about it ...

he called me the cupcake queen ...

it was just sort of the
tipping point, and...

I might have lost it, yeah.

Zach Harvin?
Victim's refusing to press charges.

- You're free to go.
- Really?

- Yeah. Must be your lucky day.
- Thank you.

- Not exactly.
- What's wrong?

I'm suspended for the
rest of the season.

You think somebody paid this
comedian guy to do this, right?

Seems like it.

Well, whoever it is,
looks like it paid off.

If I'm out for the season,
I've got no shot

at making it to the show this year.

- Zach, don't give up.
- I'm not. But, you know, I'm 29.

That's like 79 if you're still
throwing in the minors, you know?

I'm running out of chances.

And I'm just stupid enough to
try again next year, though.

Excuse me.

- Let's not give up on this season.
- No. Not yet.

He's not skinny...

Hi.

- What's up?
- I miss small towns ...

Everyone in everybody's
business. No one forgets prom.

- Remember Ray-Ray Barker?
- Mm-Hmm.

I called him to see if he
had any bad dealings with Pascoe.

He was real happy to hear from me.

Something tells me this
isn't idle family chitchat.

I want to know where you got
money to pop for a hunting trip

for you and your pals to Alaska,

since you say Pascoe is
gonna put you out of business.

Because I figured you were so damn
good, you were gonna get damages.

Or you figured you'd buy some grade-"A"
sperm from Pascoe, sell it out the back door,

and use your own bad bull semen to
make some lame cattle so you could sue.

You make money on both ends.

That's quite some story, Rachel,

but I don't know what the
hell you're talking about.

You've got the official report.

You got sworn testimony
from my sperm lady

saying that I've been ripped off.

And, by the way, as my
lawyer, it's your sworn duty

to take care of me to
the best of your ability.

Always looking for a way to cheat.

Oh, so I'm the family cheater, am I?

How about if I go out
there and tell your little

- fancy lawyer friends who really cheated?
- You can't be talking about ...

You're damn right I am. I'm
talking about Chattahoochee.

- I was 17.
- Big deal.

- You're right, Hugh. I did cheat.
- Damn straight.

So what's to keep me from
walking into court tomorrow

and doing exactly the same thing again?

To you?

Guys, look. I like Zach.
I did him a favor suspending him.

Oh, sure, and ending his career.

That Heckler was gonna press assault
charges with a stadium of witnesses.

Look, at least, this way,
Zach stays out of jail.

And his major-league dream is gone.

Just give Zach one more shot.

Tonight's game ... he blows
it again, y-you cut him loose.

It's too late.
The big club needs a closer right now,

and they already called me about Wiz.

Frankly, they need to call Wiz up.

They paid him a lot of
money just to sign him.

Wiz is a bonus baby?
How much did he get when he signed?

Half a million bucks.

Now, look. Guys, I'm
sorry, but I got to go.

- Thanks for your time, Mike.
- Sure.

Bonus baby. Wiz is a b...

I could have been a bonus baby.
That damn Granada hills game.

Will you stop?

You live in Malibu, you
work for a big law firm,

- we get to help people like Zach.
- Yeah, so let's help him.

I'm just saying, I could
have been a bonus baby.

You know, what Dixon said,
half a million dollars ...

t-that could easily buy a $50,000 R.V.

Yeah, Wiz could make that
back and a hell of a lot more

with a September call-up.

- You think he's behind this?
- You up for another Stars game?

Batter up.

- So, Charlie won't call you back?
- No.

I just want to hang out with
her before she splits, you know,

but I guess that's making
it hard for her to leave.

I don't know. Maybe
we should both move on.

Move on? Oh, come on.

- R-remember Kona, those girls
with the boyfriends? - Yeah.

What if we had moved on from that?

We wouldn't have gotten our
asses kicked in the hotel lobby.

- That's true.
- I'm pulling back.

- Let her come to me.
- T-that's not what you do.

You're a romantic. You commit, fully.

- You write love songs.
- Damn good ones, too.

- Well, they're solid.
- That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna write her a
song. That's a great call.

- Why didn't I think of that?
- That's not at all what I was saying.

But you're in the ballpark.

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying use your strengths.

You're Peter the badass lawyer.
Be that.

- Hey, Wiz! Good luck tonight.
- Hey!

You know, I'm just
happy I could step in.

And tell Zach I'm sure
he'll turn it around.

Yeah, I'm sure he'll turn it around.

Probably not in time
for the call-up, though.

Hey, you notice that
Heckler out in left field?

Fat guy? I'm glad Zach went
after him. Guy's an asshole.

- Hmm. - Did you hear when he
called Zach a cupcake queen

- right before Zach went nuts?
- Yeah. "Cupcake queen."

No, I was pitching, so...

Oh, that's right ... that's
when you were called up

to take Zach's spot as
the number-one closer.

- I got to get inside.
- You know, funny thing is,

Zach only ate cupcakes
in the locker room.

- You know, I-I played ball myself.
- He was pretty amazing.

Thank you.
And one thing I know is ...

what happens in the locker room,
it stays in the locker room.

Well, but Teddy wasn't
in the locker room.

How did he hear about
Zach's little cupcake secret?

No idea.
You guys enjoy the game.

You too.

What do you think?

I think we've found the
Heckler's sugar daddy.

- Now we just got to prove it.
- Yeah.

- Ahh. Felt like a cop.
- I did. I did, too!

- I know, right?
- It's cool.

Search everything on Trent
"Wiz" Wiznewski and Teddy Lazlo.

We got to find some
connection between the two.

We need to prove that Wiz
hired Teddy to harass Zach.

- We do, it's conspiracy.
- Right.

And if Zach's a victim of conspiracy,
then Dixon might reinstate him.

And then Wiz heads down to ...

I don't even know
what's below the minors.

- Zachary! I got your mom on the phone.
- Oh, you're not gonna believe this.

Teddy's heckling video is on youtube.

So what? So is my mom's
cat wearing a birthday hat.

Yeah, but she doesn't
have two million views.

She should.

Teddy's cashing in on this.
He's using it to get famous.

- So unfair.
- And unfunny.

Okay, none of this is
getting us any closer

- to linking Teddy and Wiz.
- Unless it does.

Didn't Mandy say that Wiz
likes to be interviewed?

You think he'd like to talk to
her about how good he's doing

- since he's had more time on
the mound? - You got a plan.

I think I do, but you're
gonna have to do the legwork.

I got to prep for
small-claims court tomorrow.

Yeah, you do.

- Plaintiff calls Hugh King to the stand.
- What the hell are you doing?

- Uh, just one moment, ma'am.
- Certainly.

- You said you weren't gonna call me.
- Things change.

- Well, I can refuse to testify.
- And everyone in this courtroom

will think you have something to hide.

I've inseminated my fair
share of cows over the years.

I mean, not personally, mind you.

Objection.

Overruled.
But ill-advised, Mr. King.

Where do you come down
on cheating, Mr. King?

- I'm opposed to it.
- Me too.

But I've cheated before.

Chattahoochee, Alabama, the
junior miss Alabama pageant.

- I won.
- Objection. Relevance.

I'm not surprised miss King
won her share of pageants,

- but what does this have to do with it?
- A little leeway.

I promise the relevance
will become clear.

I hope so.

When I was a kid, I
worked the pageant circuit.

I hated it.
But the junior miss Alabama pageant

came with a college scholarship.
I figured "one last time."

There'd better be a
question soon, miss King.

It was between me and miss Tuscaloosa.
She'd have beaten me.

But I broke into her room
and turned up the heat.

Five degrees.
She didn't notice. But her hair...

In Alabama, it is all about the hair.

Me and my perfect '70s
feathered hair took the title,

which got me into college
and away from my family.

Question time. Now.

Isn't that what happened here?

Someone didn't play by the rules?

- Someone?
- Yes.

Pascoe ag.

You're an expert on all things
bull-related, right, Hugh?

- I know my way around livestock.
- You'd think Pascoe does, too.

And yet they didn't file
the chain-of-custody papers

confirming the delivery of
Bodacious' sperm until two days later.

Objection.
This is a technicality.

So was turning up the
thermostat in that girl's room.

Well, actually, yours was
a little more than a technicality.

But I see your point, miss King.
The law's the law.

It makes you wonder
whether other technicalities

were violated by Pascoe.

Of course, that's none of my business.
For now.

Your honor, if I may have a
moment to speak with my client?

Good idea.

And, miss King, I'm ordering you

to track down that
Chattahoochee runner-up,

- tell her you're sorry.
- Thanks, your honor. I already have.

Glad you guys worked that out.
See you, guys.

- Hi. Thanks for coming.
- Really? You're suing me over a tree.

Wow.
You look good, by the way.

You've made me come
all the way downtown.

Well, you made it very clear you
didn't want me calling anymore.

Bash vs. Elwin.
Are the parties present?

Yes, your honor. We are.

As you can see, your honor,
the tree is on my property.

It grows fruit ...
beautiful, succulent loquats.

Did you know that
loquats, when ingested,

can produce a soothing sedative effect?

Here. Try it.

- I don't think so.
- Please?

Trust me.
You'll be happy you did.

- It's good, huh?
- It's sweeter than I thought.

I have more.

Mr. Bash, are you
hitting on the defendant?

No, your honor.
I'm suing her.

I'm suing her for
chopping down my branches

that were only guilty of
showering her with sweetness.

You see, that's the thing.

I have a lot of food
on my plate right now,

and I don't want the fruit
calling me every 20 minutes

finding out how I am.

I have a 10-year-old daughter
who needs my full attention

with everything that's going on.

- Okay, that ... that's fair.
- But...

There are still some
branches growing on my side.

I only cut one down.

And now that I've had a taste,
I think that I want some more.

I just need some time.

So if we could continue
this discussion at home?

Yes. Okay, good.
That's all I wanted to know.

Excuse me. Case resolved?

- Case resolved.
- Yes.

In that case, I will take
the matter off the docket.

No court fees to be
paid by either, and ...

No! Take that outside.

Thank you for joining us, Stanton.

I need your short game
to win this tournament.

Well, I can't promise you'll win
the tournament, but I'll beat you.

Oh? Care to wager on that?

- Certainly. Name it.
- Okay.

Uh, if I win, you stop regaling
me with those tall tales

like your double eagle on
the fifth hole at St. Andrews?

- I used a 2-Iron with a hickory shaft...
- 2-Iron. Shaft.

...given to me by the great man himself,

- Bobby Jones, when I was 10 years old.
- Bobby Jones. Yes.

By the way, did you know
that Bobby was also a lawyer?

Oh, yes, I do, because you've
told me a thousand times!

Thank god I'm riding with Damien.

All right, fair enough.
I accept your terms.

Now here are mine.
If I win, you retire from the bench

and quit sending
everybody mixed messages.

You and your nephew are incorrigible!

Why don't you just plant your foot

in the small of my back
and push me over the edge?

I will, but I've got to
put my spikes on first.

Ha!

So, the Wiz interview
is a go in 45 minutes?

Great. You're gonna
have an extra visitor.

Thanks, Mandy.
Go Stars!

- Go Stars.
- We're good to go.

- Okay, then. - Let's bring in
everybody's favorite comedian.

- It's...
- Teddy!

Thanks for coming in. Have a seat.

How you doing, buddy?
Can we get you anything?

- A tuna melt would be nice.
- Ha.

Ah. That's not a joke.

- No lawyer?
- I don't sweat you guys.

Well, you should have at
least brought your agent.

Yeah!

Dude, you are all over
youtube. You've gone viral.

Fellas, I've gone plague.

- 2.2 mil on funny or die.
- Whoa.

After working crappy clubs the last
10 years, I finally got a hook ...

the annoying bleacher bum, right?

Hey.
It worked for Larry the Cable Guy.

Of course, he owns his
material. You don't own yours.

What are you talking about?
I wrote it.

Oh, that doesn't matter.

Yeah, because if someone's
paying you to heckle Zach,

they own all the material
you're doing at the stadium.

- What do you mean?
- Work-for-hire laws.

Yeah, I can't imagine
you'd be dumb enough

to have a written contract on
that so-called deal of yours.

And an oral contract, if questioned,
reverts to basic contract law,

which says the payer of the work,
he owns the material, not you.

And all those lame-ass jokes, pow!

- Those jokes are mine.
- And if your deal was with Wiz,

I wouldn't count on getting them back,

'cause someone who would
stab their own teammates

in the back ... probably not
the best business partner.

Yeah, Teddy, I don't think

you're gonna have much
time for that tuna melt.

You guys are full of crap.

It's not nice when someone messes
with your livelihood, is it?

You have to pull the club
back in one easy motion.

Don't pause in the middle.

I get my lessons
from a club pro, your honor.

Ooh! Money well spent.

- Oh!
- Christ on a crutch. Can't you ...

Okay, hounding me is not helping!

Okay, uh, put Nancy down for an 8,

- and we'll move on.
- You know what, ass-hat?!

I have had it with your
bigoted old-man bullshit.

I didn't want to be here.
I don't even like you.

I just wanted your seat on the bench.

And now all I want is to
get through this round alive.

And if you want to get
through this round alive,

I suggest that you back up and shut up,

or I'm gonna bury this
7-Iron in your skull!

- You got me?
- Damien.

Mr. Hughes, I think I saw a ball
washer two holes back. Shall we?

Oh, my god. I'm sorry.

I mean, you're an asshole,
but I should not have ...

Oh! You should have.
Weeks ago.

- W-What?
- I was just testing you,

waiting for you to stand up,
and you finally did.

Now I'm ready to retire,

and I'm ready to name
you as my replacement.

S-So all the racist stuff
and all the lecherousness ...

Lecherous stuff is ... yeah.
But not...

Thank you.

But let's just keep it to
ourselves for today, okay?

Of course.
Sorry about that "ass-hat."

I liked "ass-Hat."

It's better than "ass-jacket,"
which is what I was called

several weeks ago by a young attorney.

I want to thank everyone
for coming here on such short notice.

Just tell us why we're
here. We have a game.

I hear you've been meeting with
scouts. Going to the big club?

Zach. Okay, look. We both
want to go to the show.

It's not my fault you got the
yips and the scouts came to me.

Actually, Wiz, it is.

All right. Thanks, Wiz. This will
air on the local news tonight.

- Thanks, Mandy. See you soon.
- I'll see you at the game.

- And we are out.
- Hey! Hey!

What's this?
We don't want to see this.

- I'm sure you don't.
- And I won't see it in court.

My client has a reasonable
expectation of privacy.

So whatever it is, it
wouldn't be admissible.

Is privacy really a
reasonable expectation

When you're being interviewed?
I mean, there is a microphone.

It does look like you're
wearing some sort of concealer?

- Definitely wearing concealer.
- And there's a little blush, but, I mean,

- you have to wear that on camera.
- I think it looks good.

- Great. Especially with the ponytail.
- Yeah.

Fine. Let's see it.

You gonna screw me? Huh?

What are you talking about?
You shouldn't be here, man!

Just because you paid me to hassle
that guy ... those jokes are mine.

Fine. Keep them. Just keep
doing what I paid you to

and keep Zach from
throwing strikes, all right?

So get out of here.

Look, man, I'm just trying to make it.
You know what that's like.

Screwing my friends, my teammates?

No, Wiz.
I don't know what that's like.

You're off the team.

You're probably out of baseball.

- Get ready to go tonight. Come on.
- Yes, sir.

- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah, man.

- Congrats.
- Good luck tonight.

I owe you one.

- What about me?
- You, we got on conspiracy,

tortious interference
with business relations.

Don't worry. You can still perform.

- You've seen "Johnny Cash at
Folsom prison," right? - No.

Then never go to one
of Zach's games again.

Come on. I got us a surprise.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

All right, let me see
if I got this straight.

You think that if I take batting practice
from a major-league-level pitcher,

that it'll somehow exorcise my demons
from the Granada hills game?

That's the general idea.

All right. Bring it on.
Who's this pitcher of yours?

Randy!

- Dude, that's Rrandy Johnson.
- Yeah.

- He has like five CY young awards.
- He's got exactly five CY young awards.

- How did you get him?
- Infeld did his power-drink contract.

- Come on.
- Oh.

He throws the ball
like 100 miles an hour.

Well, he's retired, so 95 miles an hour.

- But if you're getting cold feet...
- Hell, no.

Hey! Randy!

I mean "Big Unit."
M-Mister Unit.

- Randy's fine.
- Okay.

- Thanks for doing this.
- What's going on?

- Step on in.
- Okay.

Thanks, dude.

All right, Randy. None of
that warm-up B.P. stuff.

I want your heat.

- Oh!
- Stee-rike one.

All right. I-I'll
take the warm-Up stuff.

Let's say you didn't go 0 for 5
that day and the scouts signed you.

Would you give up everything
you have now for that?

In a second.

Strike two.

- I think I pulled my spleen. Shut up.
- Chin up.

Yes! Yes! I'm back!

- Look at that.
- Whoo!

Well done. All right.

- Randy, you mind?
- No problem.

Mini Unit.

Oh. Damien.

What did you do?

Stanton, it's not what you think.