Franklin & Bash (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 1 - Coffee and Cream - full transcript

Rachel, Are you OK? Need a touch-Up?

Thanks, Trish. I'm fine.

Hi. I'm Jared Franklin. This is...

Peter Bash. I've heard great things about your work.

Thank you. What happened to Stanton?

His plane's delayed in London.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was hoping to hit from the blue tees.

Ha! That's... Golf. Oh.

First time on-screen?

You've haven't seen our old commercials?



"Franklin and Bash, We've got your back."

Hey. Hey, you... big head.

Smile.

You've got something there.

What? Where?

In your teeth.

Oh, it's just the space between your incisors.

I doubt it'll show up on-camera.

Just favor your left side.

See you on the battlefield.

Yep.

Hey, dude, you see it? She's just messing with us.

No, she said left side's my bad side.

Relax.



Need you onstage in 30 seconds.

You got it. Showtime.

Being naked is a... is a freedom we're allotted,

straight from the womb, Piers.

Uh, to... to ban nudity not only violates,

Loma Vista residents' individual liberties...

It also desecrates freedom itself,

as outlined by our "Founding Fathers".

It's more than a Civil-rights issue, Piers.

You have the right to wear that tie.

It's a great tie, Piers.

Thank you, but you do seem very, very serious, Mr. Bash.

I don't find nudity funny, Piers.

And like that great tie, My body is my personal property.

And I get to decide my behavior on my property.

And as you can see, this is a real-estate carnival right here.

I'm sure you know what I mean.

Actually, I don't, no.

A city ordinance can't have jurisdiction over my body,

without violating my property rights.

Ms. King, isn't it your right not to be exposed,

to Mr. Franklin's expression of freedom?

The argument that nudists are merely being human,

overlooks our state's obscenity laws.

Nude is not lewd.

Unfortunately, there isn't any legal precedent to back that up.

Mr. Bash? Mr. Franklin?

Barnes v. Glen Theater held that...

Barnes held that nudity is not covered by the 1st Amendment.

She didn't let him finish, Piers. That's not fair, Piers.

I'll bet you can't cite 1 case.

I can cite 50. 1 will do.

We'll bet you whatever you want. Yeah.

Well, well, it appears we have a little wager here.

What are the terms?

Um... If Mr. Franklin and Mr. Bash win,

I will donate $5,000 to their favorite charity.

This is live television.

Piers has to entertain America. How about this?

If we win, you have to sing "We Are Never, Ever..."

Ever, ...Getting Back Together," by Miss Taylor Swift.

Fair enough.

And if the gentlemen were to lose?

And I'd like to thank our guests tonight,

Rachel King, and Peter Bash, and Jared Franklin.

That's all for us tonight. Good night.

And we're out.

50, you said. You only needed 1.

I was under a lot of pressure.

City of Erie v. Tompkins Beach.

Erie would have proved your point.

Too bad you couldn't come up with it when it mattered.

Gentlemen... Yeah.

Right.

Big fans of the show. Huge fans of the show.

Hey, is there any way we can get a picture?

- Oh, that would be amazing. My mom would... - Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, just leave it, yeah?

Thanks.

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ If I must say so myself ♪

Great thing, I'm telling you.

I've heard from 3 ex-girlfriends since we were on "Piers."

I've got to figure out how to be on TV naked, more often.

Yeah, I'm just saying,

that if I would have known we were gonna nude up,

I'd have restricted my carb intake the last few days.

- Emily called. - Emily?

Yep, she asked if you did neck exercises, to hold up your giant head.

Well, that's pretty low, even for someone your size.

It's accurate.

Your, uh, receptionist brought me back.

I'm your 10:00.

I was causing a little bit of a disturbance out there.

Would you excuse us for one moment? Just want to make sure,

there's no more, um, interruptions.

Dude... That's August West.

The Magician. He's played every Casino on the Strip.

He was just on "Conan."

He used to do this trick called "Coffee and Cream,"

where he would stand at the top of, like, the Eiffel Tower,

or Caesars Palace with a little cup of coffee.

And he's searching. He's looking around... - Oh. For cream?

And then he would disappear.

And then appear at the bottom like a second later.

It was insane.

You have no idea how lame you sound.

That's August West. Don't embarrass me.

They're charging me with Grand Theft.

Yeah, I'd say it's pretty grand.

Stealing a half-a-million-dollar diamond bracelet.

I didn't know you did this kind of corporate gig.

I don't. I wasn't there.

That looks like you, August.

Okay, here it is, guys.

I'm gonna tell you something, But it doesn't leave this room.

Attorney-client privilege.

And Magician's Code. I'm a Magician.

My most famous trick... Coffee and Cream.

The secret is, um... I have a twin brother.

Seriously, how do you do it?

His name is Tim.

He appears at the bottom as me.

A twin?

What? Did you think he actually teleported?

No.

So, Tim stole the bracelet.

- I'm afraid so. - Okay, okay.

Well, this... this is simple. We just take this to the D.A.

- We tell him that Tim... - I would really rather,

if people didn't know about Tim, you know?

Look, for me, Magic isn't about the money, all right?

It's not about the fame, or whatever.

It's about making the audience truly believe,

that amazing things can happen.

They find out I have a twin brother, I mean...

Look, I know it sounds a little dumb.

No, it doesn't.

Okay, maybe we can get the proceedings sealed,

And Tim can be tried, but not in public.

I don't want Tim charged.

But do you want to go to jail?

If I have to.

Okay, what set Tim off? Why did he do it?

Tim's whole life kind of didn't work out, the way he'd hoped.

He's an angry guy. He lives in dive bars.

He blames the whole thing on me.

Well, we have 200 witnesses that saw August steal the bracelet.

But we can't point the finger at the guy who actually did it.

Well, uh, you said you were a Magician, right?

Better... we're Lawyers.

I'm both.

You know, I went to your site to try to get tickets for your show.

But how come you canceled?

Oh, I'm kind of taking a break from the whole Vegas thing, all that.

Oh, we went for 2 weeks once.

Came home, knowing how to speak Dutch.

You know, I'm working on this Magic trick of my own.

It's called "The Flaming Hand Of Zeus."

Oh, yeah. And I can make any item disappear.

We'll call you later.

Maybe we can go to the Magic Castle together,

sometime, or something. - Whoa. Magic Castle.

It's shocking that your girlfriend dumped you.

Damien, I thought you got that Senior Partnership,

At Fugate and Towne, but you were... Hmm. Oh, wait.

That's Hanna.

Hanna. Yeah, I hear she's doing great.

They have corporate jets over there.

Partners get to take them anytime they want.

Oh. Maybe you can hijack that one, too, Get yourselves arrested again.

Oh, wow. Look.

It's the mop who wiped the floor with your naked asses last week.

What's she doing here?

Think this has anything to do with our Piers interview?

Rachel, I think you know Jared Franklin and Peter Bash.

Hmm, I'm not sure. Have we met?

Damien Karp. I'm sure you don't remember.

- But we worked together on the... - Komatsu Merger, 2004.

Yeah. That one worked out all right for everyone.

It did. You were just great on "Piers Morgan."

Thank you. I really enjoy doing that show.

- It's relaxing. - If you came here to gloat...

Gloating is for people who aren't accustomed to winning.

Actually, she came on a job interview, which went very, very, well.

Really?

What? We're working with her?

Nonsense. You're working for her.

From this moment on, we are now Infeld, Daniels, and... King... King.

Yeah.

Well, lunch? Mm-hmm. Excuse us. Lovely.

Awesome.

We just got poleaxed.

- Got what? - Poleaxed.

What does that mean?

It was the word of the day.

We got...

We don't want to answer to her.

We like answering to you.

You don't answer to anyone.

And after your unsanctioned "Summer Associate Weekend"

in Tijuana, I decided something.

Tijuana's awesome?

You know, I hired you boys to shake up the Zombie Culture,

But I think you've overcorrected.

You can't overcorrect Zombie Culture.

Well, getting put on Felony Probation,

for forcing an emergency landing of a commercial jet,

Comes awfully close.

Look, I've had my eye on Rachel for quite some time.

The way she humiliated you on television...

"Humiliated" is a strong word.

"Humiliated," actually, is an understatement.

Look, she's a damn good Lawyer. She's great with the press.

And has strong international ties. Tijuana's international.

It's change, boys... change.

Don't be like the rigid Oak that snaps before the wind.

Be like the supple Reed that bends and adapts.

The force is strong with this one.

The force is strong with this one.

A Termite? I know. I'm still shaking, guys.

Give me something. They could cause our house,

to fall down, and crush us, Jared.

Your sunglasses.

On the list of organisms living in our house,

I think Termites are far down.

Or worse... entomb us in a coffin of your filth.

I'm gonna make these disappear into the flames of Zeus.

We'll talk about this when we get home.

- Okay, yeah, we can't go home... Not while the tent is up. - Tent?

Pindy, what did you do?

I'm having the house fumigated.

No one can enter for 72 hours.

Great.

Thanks, Pindy.

Come on. Watch your step.

All right, check this out.

Now, uh, stand over here.

Now, we haven't met before, have we?

Uh, no.

No, I think I'd remember meeting you.

Strong move.

That is a beautiful bracelet.

- Now, is this insured?

Uh, yeah, I think so. I hope so.

I hope so, because I'm gonna make it disappear.

Is that okay with you?

There's the offer.

Yeah. It's okay. Yeah? Okay.

There's the acceptance. Boom!

Can I get a kiss for good luck?

Wow. Tim looks just like August. Great. There you go.

All right. Check your wrist.

Contract law.

She agreed to the theft, so we try it as a civil case.

Let's do it.

I'm about to start assigning cases.

Wanted to give you first shot.

Well, you can assign them to someone else.

I'm leaving.

I probably should have left when Hanna did.

I hope this isn't about Stanton hiring me.

Oh, gosh, no. Not at all.

I just, uh... well, although if I needed any more proof,

that he's never gonna hand the firm over to me...

You'll make a great Judge.

It's not a national secret.

Well, I have to get elected to the bench first.

You will... As long as you run a smart campaign...

Manage indiscretions.

I-I don't follow.

I play poker with Judge Bayles.

According to her, you did a sleep study a few years ago.

It was recorded and mailed to a few Judges.

Everybody masturbates.

You just got videotaped doing it.

I'm... I'm... I'm thinking, but I... You left your socks on,

And you point your toes when you climax.

You know, I was hasty. If you want me to...

Right now, you're not a candidate.

So if a tape like that came out now, no one would really care.

Okay... Why are you telling me this?

The firm has my name on it now.

A former partner on the bench, would only elevate the firm's status.

Well, maybe it never leaks, right?

In the digital age?

There's no such thing as one copy of anything.

Everything leaks.

The only way for you to control this, is to leak it yourself.

Leak it myself.

Well, it's not like I kept a copy of it, for my Facebook page.

I can't leak it, if I don't have it.

But Judge Bayles has one, right?

Can I get a kiss for good luck? Just on the cheek.

Great. There you go. All right.

Everybody ready? Check your wrist.

That was cool. How did you do that?

I don't know.

Your Honor, I've watched it about 10 times, "JFK" style.

He goes "Back, to the left, back... ".

But I still don't know how he does it.

It's a good trick. It's a great trick.

Now explain to me how it's not theft,

and why I should grant your motion to dismiss.

There was an oral agreement between the man on the video,

and the owner of the bracelet.

He promised to make it disappear, and she agreed.

And he never promised to make it reappear.

Returning the bracelet feels like an implied part of the contract.

Which is why the case belongs in civil court,

so she can sue for the return of the bracelet.

There's no crime here.

We have a contract, too... a written one,

Between the defendant and Taylor Industries,

The company that hired Mr. West to work that night.

Objection... we haven't been provided with a copy of this document.

Because they already have one.

Or should. Their client signed it.

As do all performers who do business with Taylor.

He agreed to "Return the premises and all property,

to its original state."

And in case there's some universe where it isn't clear,

It put Mr. West on notice... no stealing allowed.

There's his signature right there.

Mm-hmm. I see. Nice signature.

Your Honor, may we have a moment with our client?

Take 2 . Motion to dismiss is denied.

Criminal proceedings to continue. We are in recess.

What's up with them?

Fellow Magicians, and one of them asked me on the way in,

Why I was drunk at the track.

Tim is supposed to go incognito when we're not working.

- Do you mind if I, uh... - By all means.

You know, Tim signing as August hurts.

Tim running around as a drunk August doesn't help, either.

God, Magicians are cool, huh?

I bet we don't even have Termites.

I don't want to stay in the office another night.

Stay at my mom's.

- Oh, my God. - Can we?

Hello.

Hmm?

It's 11:30. She's working late.

Late, alone with the boss.

This is how a lot of those movies start.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think this is one of those movies.

No, this could be one of those... I don't think... no. No, no, no.

No, it's not. It's not one of those movies.

You two roomies?

The whole is greater than the sum of our parts.

How's the August West case going?

It's good. Yeah. You familiar with it?

August is my client. I brought him over.

Well, if you know August, then you must know about his... sorry.

Sworn to secrecy. It's Magician's Code, you know?

Well, let me tell you about one of my secrets.

August performed in Vegas for 15 years,

And he's friends with Terrence Allen, who owns 3 Casinos,

and is now shopping for a new law firm.

That's why we're defending August?

So you can land the bigger fish?

And if this is such a big deal,

Why aren't you defending him instead of us?

It's not that big. If it was, I wouldn't let you two near it.

What do you want from us?

- I see potential. - Thanks.

- That's being wasted. - Thanks.

I've heard you talking about the Zombie Culture.

Let me tell you something... I like Zombies.

They're predictable, they never get tired,

and they don't take everyone out, for '70's Roller-Disco Nights,

on the firm's credit card.

I don't think you get the whole idea of Zombies.

Well, I've got class.

You're going to the gym now?

Ballet, private studio... 4 times a week since I was 6.

Does wonders for your discipline.

Win this case.

Well, I guess, uh, we're gonna stay here tonight.

Wow. So much for sleeping with your mom.

Yep.

I'm up.

Hey, Tool Belt. What are you doing?

Putting up a wall.

- Why? - Just follow the work order.

Ah, boys. Come in, come in, come in, come in.

I'm just finishing up my exercises.

There's a wall going up in our office.

We don't think it was your idea.

No. It wasn't.

Make Rachel stop.

I would like you to have this.

I'm not going to be using it anymore.

This is your Masamune Sword.

800 years old.

Given to me by a direct descendant.

You love that sword.

I think we're finished.

We're tearing down that wall.

Gentlemen... I wouldn't, if I were you.

This is starting to feel like a job.

Infeld's changed.

Hasn't been the same since he got back from Africa.

Yeah, one thing's for sure... Whatever protection he gave us is gone.

We're on our own.

Well, his sword is all the protection I need.

You know, he gave that to both of us.

- I don't know that. - He handed it to you

'cause you happened to be standing closer to him, but...

He handed it to me because I can handle a sword.

No, it's for us to share.

You know, August said we had to to leave Tim out of this.

We're just going in for a drink, A very early afternoon cocktail.

And if this happens to be the bar where Tim

spends most of his time, and he gives up the bracelet...

Just dumb luck. Crazy dumb luck.

"Two for Tuesday, Well drinks, Thursday through Sunday."

Oh, it's got a "C" rating.

How did we not know about this place?

"C" is for "classy."

My feet are sticking to the floor.

Yeah, it's good party traction.

I thought you said you were out of garnish.

I'm gonna do it one more time.

This time, a little slower for you.

Reach in there again, And I'll crush your hand with my boobs.

3 bucks.

Vanishing waitress... good trick.

Yeah. Did your brother teach you that?

I don't have a brother, so no.

Oh, what do I feel like having?

Uh... Coffee.

With cream.

- Coffee and cream. - Coffee and cream.

Can we get 2 coffees and cream, please?

- Can we join you? - Yeah, if you're buying, Sailor.

August told us about you, Tim.

And you are?

His Lawyers. Criminal Lawyers.

All right, but if you return the bracelet today,

We might be able to get a deal from the D.A.

He really told you about me.

He must be scared, man.

He's worried about you, Tim.

He doesn't want you implicated.

No, no. He just doesn't want his reputation tarnished.

The only thing August worries about...

Is whether or not he remains a star, believe me.

- Well, he's looking at 10 years. - 10 years.

For something you did.

Hmm.

You know, I'm a fellow Magician,

And it's obvious, you and August love Magic.

What August does isn't Magic.

It's a Pageant.

Then why do you do it with him? 'Cause I told him I would.

I promised him after he kind of bailed me out,

of some scrape once, all right?

Now he wants me to help him. That's ironic.

Yeah... I don't think so.

You said, "After what he did." What did he do?

Why don't you go ask him?

I am gonna go watch "Bigfoot Hunters."

That's my wallet.

That's real Magic.

Well, he's pissed. We got to find out why.

Hey, he just stole 30 bucks... And my Quiznos card.

- I'm gonna call Carmen. - Yep.

So, Tim said August bailed him out.

Yeah, financially. Or literally.

He kind of seems like a guy who would actually get arrested.

What? Nothing.

What's up? We need you to check something out.

August West's twin brother.

August West has a twin?

- Now we have to kill Carmen. - That one's on you.

His name is Tim Wesopka.

Just check to see if he has any, uh, run-ins with the law.

Copy that.

I'll look into it, but, um, I'm stuck here for a bit.

Where are you?

Trying to find Pindy a place, where he can sleep.

Good luck.

What?

Pindar, what the hell are you doing?

Well, if there is even a single drop of bodily fluid

in this hotel room, a simple Luminol Test will reveal it.

Oh, Dear God. It's everywhere.

You're standing in it! There's sperm everywhere!

Why?!

- That's pretty good. - I know.

Yeah.

August? Hey.

What's going on?

I'm pulling your case out of the fire.

I talked to the D.A.

6 months jail, 3 years probation.

Jail? You're pleading guilty?

Look, it's what's best for me.

No, it isn't. May we please speak with August?

I'll meet you at the elevator.

Wait. This is our case.

No such thing.

Every case is an Infeld, Daniels, and King case.

And if it's tanking, it's my job to fix it.

So file the Plea-deal paperwork, in the morning.

Okay, we're gonna go talk to August.

But let me be clear.

I'm gonna say this slowly, so you'll understand.

You are not to talk to August... not one word.

Sorry. I didn't get that.

No, it wasn't slow enough.

Could you say it one more time? Just a little...

You're on Felony Probation, for forcing a Commercial Plane to land.

One of the terms of that Probation...

Is a monthly report that states our employment here,

is in good standing.

And Infeld signs off on that.

He did. Think of me as your jailor.

Because if you lose your jobs here, that's where you 2 will end up.

Thanks.

Clearly, Rachel King gets off on power.

Yep. That do anything for you?

Well, a puppy gets scared, and happy all at once.

And then pees the rug?

We could bail, blow it off. It's a free country.

Not for us, it's not, as long as she's filling out these reports.

Why doesn't she just fire us and get it over with?

Maybe she enjoys torturing us.

Aah. My burrito is cold.

Mine's not. You want to know why?

Flames of Zeus!

You know you stole that, right? I saw it on YouTube.

I did not steal it.

Magicians collaborate with each other.

We stand on the shoulders of our comrades.

We're like a family... a family of Wizards.

- Hey, guys. - Hi. - Hey.

So... Thank you.

Tim was arrested on November 14, 1987, In Clark County, Nevada.

'87... That's right before they started doing "Coffee and Cream."

All right, so, after Tim promised to do Coffee and Cream,

August bailed him out of jail?

What was Tim arrested for?

Stealing a wallet.

He's good at that. "That's real Magic."

This was all 20 years ago. What did August just do, to Tim?

I wish we could ask him. But we can't.

But we could do the next-best thing.

I don't understand. You want to leak our tape?

It's not exactly our tape.

Well, you did send it to me, right?

Yes, your Honor, but that was just a computer error.

You know, 1's and 0's. And I... I... I apologize.

Mm-hmm.

Who were you thinking of... that night?

Relevance, your Honor?

I decide what's relevant, Mr. Karp.

Were you thinking of... me?

It... it was a sleep study. I just... I... You got me.

Yes, I was totally thinking of you.

Well, very impressive.

Huh.

- Your rhythm... Whoa! - Ooh.

May I have the file?

Yes, you may.

Thank you, your Honor.

After I watch it one last time.

Come on. Join me.

Awesome.

So, you and August came here from Kraków, to do Magic together.

For Lawyers, you guys sure day-drink a lot.

Worked for Paul Newman in "The Verdict."

Here's what we're thinking.

So, we're thinking that August was the one who was seduced,

by the bright lights of the strip,

while you continued to practice real Magic.

And you got mad because August kept ridiculing you,

for your "Street Magic."

But then he went on "Conan" 2 weeks ago and did your act.

Jump in anytime.

No, you guys are doing great without me.

He called it "Gutter Magic," okay?

I mean, that's the irony.

Tell us more about the irony.

Yeah, why don't you tell them?

Did you invite this guy?

Oh, look... it's 2 for Tuesday.

I'm gonna grab a drink.

We've been instructed by our boss, not to even speak with him.

Well, I ain't talking to him.

Great. Then you can write me in prison.

Tim, why don't you ask him to say sorry, for stealing your trick.

No way.

You should ask him, "Why not?"

Because I didn't steal his trick.

I taught him "Gutter Magic" when we were 10.

Is that true?

He didn't steal my trick, okay? He stole my life.

My life story, you know?

Picking pockets to feed myself, to pay my rent,

you know, the life he ridiculed.

And then he does that little piece in, uh, Vegas Magazine?

That's the gold standard in Magic magazines.

I'll get you a subscription.

And he makes it his story, because people kind of stopped going,

to his, uh, "Pull a Statue of Liberty out of his ass" bullshit.

And I guess now he's re-inventing himself... Right?... As me.

Hey, Tim, without me, you'd be in prison.

Yeah, but you are, and that's the... well, that's the irony.

You couldn't... You could have asked, man.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Well, I don't know what you want me to do.

Should I give the bracelet back?

Returning the bracelet's, gonna be seen as an admission of guilt.

Yeah, I mean, this is a mess, guys.

It's great progress what you're doing here,

But the D.A.'s gonna want to have his scalp.

Well, come on. I mean, there's got to be a better way.

How would you like to do your Magic again, in front of an audience?

What audience?

One of the toughest there is... a jury.

That's so funny.

You get any sleep?

Well, between the Indie band practicing till 3:00 A.M.,

And the Raccoons having sex in that trash can...

It seems like everybody's getting laid but me.

I think it was 2 Raccoons.

It might have been a Raccoon and a Cat, which is unnatural.

They all seem to be having a great time.

I'm pretty sure that trash can was home to a threesome,

between a Cat, a Raccoon, and a Skunk.

And a Rat went in, too.

Okay, that's gross.

I don't know what it was doing.

Listen, I talked to the "Tenting Company."

Yeah, they're gonna be here in an hour.

They're gonna get rid of the tent, and we can all go back in.

Actually, they won't be here 'til Midnight. Sorry.

Carmen, I haven't been in my room in 3 days.

3 days!

It's the Indie band. Okay.

Chemical dissipation from the tent is at 99.845%.

Statistically, that is safe. I need to moisturize.

Touch me. I'm Reptilian.

I'm going in.

Damien, do you have a moment?

Uh, not really. What's up, Ron?

I just want to say, you are an inspiration to all of us.

Okay. All of whom?

The Southern California Onanism Society.

Onanism?

We're "Serial Masturbators."

Thanks to your tape, I've decided to go public with it.

Are you kidding me?

There's a meeting this Friday night, Red Lobster, Burbank.

Our Keynote speaker dropped out.

- If you could come... Speak... - This conversation is officially over.

The exterminators have been in my... in my room.

Sorry, Pindy. It was either them, or the bugs.

Termites will be gone, but God knows what's replaced it.

I'm gonna sterilize everything.

Yeah, well, knock yourself out.

Hey, what's this? Ooh.

It's Jared's "Flame of Zeus" flash paper.

Don't touch that. Seriously.

Put it down? I'm about to go for a run.

Bye.

Have a good run!

Aah!

- Was this your plan? - Excuse me?

My tape did not exactly fade into obscurity.

Be patient.

It was tough for Bill Clinton those first few months, too.

Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner.

Those guys... were brought down hard by scandal, but recovered.

The stigma of that tape will fade at exactly the right time.

I'm all about the long game, Damien.

Hmm. You really know your way around this stuff.

I could use some help.

Stick around. I'll give it to you.

Mr. West, good to see you.

Your Guilty-plea papers.

Thought you'd want to take a last look.

Glad you could make it, Tim.

Ready for the performance of a lifetime?

Here they come.

I understand Mr. West has decided to plead guilty.

Our client has had a change of heart.

No deal.

Mr. West, you don't accept this deal, and I can assure you,

I'll be asking for jail time when you're convicted.

- And I'll get it. - Just one second.

Hi, I just wanted to say I'm really, really sorry,

about our little misunderstanding.

There's no misunderstanding. You stole my bracelet.

We're going in.

You good?

I'm a little drunk. Define "A little."

Let's find out.

And what did Mr. West do, after your bracelet disappeared?

He disappeared.

He said he needed some air. He never came back.

Thank you. No further questions.

Allison, were you a fan of August West,

before you went to watch him perform?

Yes.

Were you secretly hoping that he'd pick you,

out of the audience, as a volunteer?

Yes.

Yeah, you looked pretty excited on that video.

I know would have been.

Um, yeah, I guess I was.

In all that excitement...

Are you sure that the bracelet was taken at all?

Yes, I'm sure.

So between the time it was taken and right now, you haven't had it?

- No. - Really?

Objection... Acting Incredulous,

and saying "Really?" isn't a question.

Sustained.

I'm getting ready to shut this down,

unless you go somewhere real fast, Mr. Bash.

Ms. Burien... I notice you're wearing a bracelet today.

No, I'm... Can you show the jury your wrist?

- Objection. What kind of... - Oh, my God!

"Oh, my God." - Do you recognize that bracelet?

Yes, it's the same bracelet I was wearing during the trick.

The same bracelet you say was stolen.

No further questions.

Order! Order!

Who took my gavel? Bailiff!

You were right. Magic's pretty cool.

The defendant is a showman.

He's also a thief.

He made the bracelet disappear,

and the fact that it reappeared on Ms. Burien's wrist,

can be reconciled in one of two ways...

One, the defendant returned what he had stolen...

Which is an admission of guilt, or, two, it's Magic.

And, ladies and gentlemen... There is no such thing as Magic.

No such thing as Magic?

Is that the kind of world you want to live in?

Objection, your Honor.

Mr. Everett just said, there's no such thing as Magic,

So what's he so worried about?

Withdrawn.

Thanks. You can be my volunteer.

May I? Thanks, again.

In a world where we can't believe in a "Lucky Rabbit's Foot," or love...

- Or a handkerchief disappearing into the Flames of Zeus... - Whoa.

Uh... damn.

Uh, buddy, buddy?

Want me to tag in?

It's okay. It's okay.

Oh, Magic. You'll have to excuse my partner.

We're both romantics.

And while I love him for this, in this case, he's wrong.

We live in a world of facts.

Sometimes things appear to be Magic...

Always losing one sock in the dryer,

A perfect sunset, the earth being round.

But there are facts behind those things.

And the salient fact in this case is that Ms. Burien proved,

she didn't know where her bracelet was.

Was it gone? On her wrist the entire time?

Doesn't matter,

Because that's reasonable doubt, that it was ever stolen.

Reasonable doubt. That's enough to acquit.

I guess there is Magic.

It's our legal system. It's you.

Counselor, I think... You dropped something.

Or did you doubt, the great Franklin and Bash?

Knock-knock.

Who's there? Another "Not guilty."

You are so good at screwing up that trick.

Was I not clear, you were to cease

all communication, with August West?

We won the case, in case you didn't know.

But that wasn't your question, was it?

We didn't talk to August.

Of course you did. You were in court with him.

Were we?

August has a twin.

- Who told you? - You did just now.

Great poker face. Damn it.

You're a fantastic Magician.

I am a fantastic Magician. I am a fantastic Magician.

Am I interrupting?

Of course not.

So, I just heard that we put your Casino owner,

Terrence Allen, on retainer.

Congratulations. Great work. Well done.

- Can we take this wall down now? - No.

Well, I think we've proven that we work better together...

Have you ever summarized minutes, of Corporate Audit Meetings?

I don't understand anything you just said.

You will.

I'm having the boxes sent to your separate offices.

I need them by 8:00 A.M. tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Or I could get in touch with your Probation Officer.

- Tomorrow morning. - Tomorrow morning.

Stanton.

Gentlemen, I'm late.

I have an appointment at the Dog Groomer's.

You don't have a dog.

No, but I've always wanted to groom one.

Are you okay?

It's just, lately, you've been acting... Uh, different.

You know, we just want to make sure you're okay, like, physically.

Does that look like an infirm old man to you?

Hmm?

No. Mm.

Dude, I'm blind.

Well, walk it off.

I don't want to have to do this summary stuff by myself.

So, August, you're gonna dress as Tim now.

Well, I'm dressed as Tim, so I can celebrate with my brother today.

I... I... I'm totally confused.

Good.

To Magic.

To Magic. To Magic.

It's Pindy. Excuse me.

I was arguing with my girlfriends over there.

Let me say... you are all way too pretty, to be arguing.

You just want me to be quiet.

Are you August West?

Yes, uh, he is.

- Could I have your autograph? - Yeah, sure.

Do you have something I can sign or... Mm-hmm.

Uh, let's see. Uh, do you have a preference?

- Uh, right, right boob. - Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you. Yeah. Here's your pen.

- It's Pindar. - Again?

I booked us a 6 month stint in Vegas.

We may to have to work on our, uh, fan decorum a little bit.

Yes, uh, this was my, uh, last appearance as August West.

I booked us as the Wesopka Brothers.

Wesopka Brothers.

As a Magician, I approve.

- You're not a Magician. - I am a Magician.

Everyone toast.

I am a Magician.

Harry Potter was based on me.

Yo! Call for either of you.

Guy's freaking out.

Pindy.

- Excuse me. - Excuse us.

You guys both should take it.

- Pindar. - Pindy.

What?

Hey, Peter. How are you?

- We're good. - Great.

- We're great. - What's going on?

Classic "Good news, Bad news."

The good news... the house is Termite-free.

And we know that. What's the bad news?

Okay, it's actually kind of funny.

Uh, you know how they use Phosphine in, uh, uh, Termite fumigation?

No.

Pindy, this isn't funny at all yet.

Turns out, uh, Nitric Acid,

Which is in some of my, uh, personal cleaning supply...

Uh, becomes very unstable,

when it comes into contact with Phosphine, which...

P-p-pindar. Pindar.

I burned the house down.

I can hear the music, but I can't hear you you guys anymore.

Hello?

Did you hear what I said? Burned the house down.

♪ Ahh-ooh ♪

Come on.

Hu Jintao lost this sanctuary to me, in a Mah-Jongg tournament.

Oh, I could get used to this.

I think you'll find the monthly lease, most agreeable.

My Sinusitis Inflammation has completely disappeared.

Look. Perfect point break, at the end of the beach.

I could suffer here.

We'll take it.

Splendid!

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ Such a vivid picture ♪

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ If I must say so myself ♪

So, this guy was in Nam with your dad?

Oh, yeah. 1st Battalion, 7th Cavalry.

They were ambushed in LZ Albany together back in '65.

Did they make it out alive?

Sorry we're late.

Hey. Hi.

I'm Jordan. This is my Uncle Donald.

Peter, you look just like your old man.

Oh. My Dad has told me a lot about you, sir.

Have a seat. Have a seat.

What can we do to help?

Well... You're looking at a dead man.

Because of a clerical error, the V.F.A. has declared me deceased.

As a result, my credit, my benefit checks all cut off.

I-I can't even get my mail.

We figured we could straighten this out on our own,

But these government agencies...

Once you're dead, it's like turning around a barge.

All right. It shouldn't be too hard to clear up.

Except since Uncle Don wasn't getting paid, he lapsed on a loan,

that he took out against his house when my Aunt got sick.

The bank foreclosed on his home...

And this public notice posted in yesterday's paper.

They're auctioning off my home this afternoon.

I got blindsided. Peter, I really need your help.

Yeah, Don, unfortunately, we're under new management.

Very strict management.

What if we don't run this by the partners?

What do you mean? It's not a legal case.

We got the insurance money from Pindy burning down our house.

We use that money to buy Don's house,

and we sell it back to him once we unfreeze his assets.

We don't need the partners' permission, to buy a house.

What do you think about that, Don?

I'm not in any position to say no.

Damn right. You're a dead man.

Too soon?

Oh, Damien, Damien.

I would like to introduce you to Nataliya Filas.

Nataliya just recently arrived from the Ukraine,

Where she's here to pursue the American Dream.

Well.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.

An... and where exactly do you dance, Nataliya?

Damien, that was uncalled for.

Nataliya is attending Culver College,

where she hopes one day to open an Art-house Movie Theater.

Mm-hmm. A place to enjoy classics.

Like "Jerry Maguire" or "27 Dresses."

I love "Jerry Maguire."

I was worried there was actually a reason,

I was in this conversation, but there's not, so that's good.

We met a few weeks ago, when I was ordering chicken fingers from her,

from the Jumbo Burger on campus.

And yesterday, she was fired without warning.

If I don't stay employed on campus, they will deport me,

for violating the terms of my Visa.

Awesome. Um, I'm sorry.

Do you mind if we just have a moment alone?

We're gonna have, like, A "Legally Blonde" strategy session.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Isn't she delightful?

- Okay. Seriously, what the hell's going on? - What?

What, you're advising fast-food workers?

You're damn near giving away beach houses?

People think you've lost your mind.

Maybe I've just found it.

Stanton, it's not the Saturday crossword.

What's going on? We're concerned.

Perhaps it's time you knew.

On my last trip to Zambia, I participated in the "Wambasee Roar",

an ancient ritual of the Wambasee Tribe.

After engaging in a painful circumcision by village elders,

I roamed the wild.

After wandering for days, I came upon the Victoria Falls,

where I had a moment so karmically seismic, it triggered an epiphany.

- Oh, Damien. - I witnessed a... - Yes?

A-a... Oh, for God's sake, Damien,

just get her her bloody job back, all right?

Please.

Uh, Nataliya, would you care to join me in my office?

Okay.

I can't promise that I will not get lost,

in the spirit of competition.

Don't. Don't go over $65,000.

That's the balance of Don's loan.

- Is that a hard $65,000? - Yes, stay firm.

Parcel 139-M sold for $82,600.

Whoo!

Do you know if the Fillmore house has gone up yet?

Up next.

You're interested in Parcel 143-B?

14... Absolutely. We have money to burn.

I might buy Vermont Avenue, Boardwalk, The Thimble... who knows?

143-B... Opening Bid.

If the Opening Bid is not met,

the property will remain in R.E.O. Status.

Okay. This is us. Stay firm... $65,000.

I did not come here to fold.

Bidding starts at $45,000.

$100,000. We're out.

- I thought the market was depressed. - You haven't seen depressed.

We got to tell Don that he's living on the street.

Some Realtor bought it?

Yeah. You know how these developers are.

They descend on these auctions like vultures.

Let me see the paper.

So... so, Ballet 4 times a week, and then biking...

Training for a Decathlon?

I was born with Toddler Obesity.

Peter's also a survivor. It's no joke.

Single dwelling in the valley on one acre...

They're gonna knock it down and subdivide the property.

Yeah, bulldozers are set to roll on Thursday,

So we're hoping for an injunction to stop the sale.

So, you want to do this Pro Bono,

because he fought in the Vietnam War with your dad?

And we also know, that you're on the Board of the Yellow Ribbon Fund,

and visit Walter Reed at least twice a year.

And if anyone would be sympathetic,

to a war vet in need, it would be... Rachel Rose King.

Someone did their homework.

Put in 20 hours, and then move off it.

Find the name of the developer.

Got it. Thanks.

Talk about unfair.

Don French is supposed to be enjoying his golden years,

and here he is sorting out his own debt.

I'd like to die first.

Who would do all the shopping? And you're the best cook.

No, it should be me.

- I meant die before my wife. - So did I.

The Realtor from the auction works for Groody Homes,

and your Injunction Hearing is set for 10:00 A.M. tomorrow.

- Good work. - Oh, look... Bogey at 3:00.

Oh.

Whoa! Look at her.

My God! She is unreal.

Why don't you go light that candle?

Okay. Yeah.

Let's do it.

- Peter? - Yeah?

- What are you doing? - Fluffing.

Get the hell out of here. Go, go, go.

It looks like you got a big one there...

Probably like a Halibut or something.

Really? You think I got a Halibut?

Oh, you're from down under.

No, Minnesota.

Yeah.

Yeah, Halibut are good eating, I tell you,

But those babies can run, you know?

So I hope you have, um, some heavy te... testage on there.

I got a 100-pound test with an anchor hook,

So, uh, there's plenty of testage when I bring her into shore.

That's good. That's good.

- Yeah, you can never have too... - Heavy.

Stupid.

You sound very experienced.

Peter Bash.

Look, I'm having some people over tomorrow. Uh...

I have plans tomorrow.

Oh, come on. You answered before seeing my huge deck.

Deck size doesn't really impress me.

That's it? Wh... what about your fish?

Eh, it felt like a skate... Big, dumb, bit of a bottom feeder.

Hey, can I ask when you cut the line on me?

When I saw you doing push-ups.

And because of this egregious clerical error,

Groody Homes has positioned bulldozers,

to knock down Don French's house.

Have we mentioned that our client is a war veteran, your honor?

11 times.

So we are here to ask for a 60-day Injunction,

to stop the demolition of a war veteran's property,

on 1120 Fillmore Road until we...

I-I-I'm sorry, your honor. Is something funny?

I finally drew a case with Franklin and Bash.

You know, my colleagues,

they cringe when they see your names on their calendars.

I look at it as a welcome break from monotony.

- Big fans of yours, too, your Honor. - Thank you. Thank you.

Is this gonna be a conflict, your Honor?

Excuse me? Are you insinuating,

that my respect for fellow Officers of the Court,

will somehow compromise my impartial judgment?

- No. - It sounded like it. - No, your honor.

I just, uh... I... it bordered on fawning.

Fawning. Ohh.

Insult me again, and I'll hold you in contempt.

This never happens.

Can you prove that Donald French is alive, Mr. Bash?

Yes, your Honor. We have a Driver's License, Birth Certificate...

And, your Honor...

...Still breathing.

That's good. That's good!

Your honor, My client had nothing to do

with this alleged clerical error.

The plaintiff's request to hold off demolition is granted.

However, Mr. French,

You've had more than enough time to resolve this matter,

so I'm gonna impose an injunction of... 5 days.

5... 5 days?

5 is less than 60, your Honor.

Gentlemen, it's been great fun.

I can't wait to do it again.

Finis.

Is that bad?

Uh, it could've gone worse.

Yeah, we're lucky the Judge likes us.

He said I was funny.

More importantly...

The V.F.A. discovered this wasn't a key-stroke error on their end.

It came from your agency.

So we're kind of up against it.

Right, I can see that... Credit cut off, house about to be bulldozed.

Look, I don't foresee you having any problems,

getting your identity back.

I will mark this as priority,

and our investigators will get right on it, okay?

That is great. How much time are we looking at here?

Not longer than 30 days.

30 days? 30 days?! I don't have 30 days!

Wait. What part of "House being bulldozed in 5 days",

do you not understand?

Look, I got an idea.

Why don't you go back, tell your bosses,

to make me alive in the next 5 minutes?!

Don, Don, that is not constructive.

There is protocol to follow.

I've been following the rules for the last 6 months!

My grave keeps getting deeper and deeper!

You are not the first dead person to walk in here, Mr. French.

This agency sees 14,000 cases a year.

One out of 10 is fraudulent...

People trying to siphon the deceased's benefits.

These cases must be thoroughly vetted.

But you guys made the mistake.

No. It wasn't on our end.

I've got the... the Death Certificate right here...

From the Coroner's Office.

- What? What? - Yeah.

The what?

Now, I have got people behind you, okay?

So if you will leave this stuff here, We will do the very best we can.

Have a great day.

This is like turning around a barge.

I bet if Don knocked over a liquor store,

they'd have him in the system in 30 seconds.

Being alive at my age is rough enough.

Being dead is killing me.

We're being watched.

I've been doing research. It turns out Gus isn't Gus.

Gus is Zuul, Gatekeeper of Gozer.

I... it's only a matter of time.

Before he comes to life and destroys us!

Guys, he still sleeps with a night light.

- Don't tell. - I've told you. - Know what you should do?

Burn the house down 'cause that'll kill Zuul.

You know how to burn a house down, right?

Do you guys know what "Spontaneous Combustion" means?

Latin for "Pindar did it."

Go inside. Get a beer, buddy.

I promise I will help move Zuul tonight.

Okay. Well, if you could get it before my bedtime,

that would be great.

Cheers.

Who are these people?

What a coincidence!

I was just about to play "Summer Lovin'."

Do you play it half as loud,

as your rendition of "Wanted Dead or Alive"?

You're making requests, and we don't even know your name.

I'm Charlie. I live next door.

Jared.

What kind of Fisherwoman are you?

The Kinesiologist kind who has to rehab an ACL,

On a Dodgers Infielder at 6:00 A.M. in Pasadena.

So, how late are you guys planning on partying?

'Case a pennant may hang in the balance.

I'm sure the Dodger fans are holding their breath.

They should. I'm a Giants fan.

Nice.

Well, uh, we'll pull the plug around 10:00, since it's a school night.

Thank you. Thanks.

Okay. You sure you don't want a drink?

No, I'll, uh, take a rain check. Thanks.

That's not a no.

It's just like "Grease"...

American dude falling for the Australian beach hottie.

That play had nothing to do with an Australian girl.

Play? I'm talking about the movie "Grease."

- I didn't see the movie. - You didn't see the movie?

You didn't see the play.

I don't like musicals based on movies.

Oh. Is that me?

It's not me.

Hello?

H-hey.

All right. Calm down.

We'll take care of it.

Don French was arrested for slashing the tires

on a Groody truck that was parked on his street.

It's great to see the sun again.

We got you reduced to an infraction "Of Disturbing The Peace",

But you do this again, Don, this County's gonna be your new house.

Look, I thought it would get my name in the system,

like you guys said.

You did... the criminal system.

But they listed you as John Doe, because Don French is deceased.

So now John Doe has a criminal record.

Look, I'm sorry, fellas.

It's just I'm getting desperate.

Just let us handle this.

You've seen war.

You know, in fact, my dad told me a story about you guys,

exchanging fire for about two days in La Drang, right?

He said that when the EVAC Chopper finally came,

you told him to make a run for it first, and he told me what you said.

You remember what you said?

You said, "I've got your back."

We've got yours.

Ah... You are your father's son.

Everything's gonna be all right, john doe.

Let's give you a ride.

There's no way Don French's Death Certificate,

originated at the coroner's office.

- What? - No. And without a coroner,

somebody at Social Security had to forge the seal,

in order to process this paperwork.

Hey.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, I just tweaked something in my back,

helping Pindy move that stupid statue.

You want me to see if, uh, Dr. Charlie makes house calls?

- No. - It's the perfect icebreaker.

No, she helps injured professional athletes.

I hurt myself interior decorating.

Why would the Social Security Administration want Don dead?

Well, Groody Homes sold A.J. Connelly,

a really nice house in Tarzana at a huge discount,

right before Don "Died."

- A.J... I'm sorry. - That's the dorky clerk? - Yeah.

Well, you can't get a house like that on a government salary.

Well, maybe Groody Homes cut A.J. a sweetheart deal,

in order to fabricate don's death.

That's tough to prove.

True, but I found out, that A.J. split up with his wife, Jenny,

right before he moved into his new house.

A scorned woman could be motivated to talk.

Push down on her.

We got to see how high this thing goes.

Groody clearly got greedy.

And killed Don French.

I'll just make an appeal to I.N.S.

I'm not giving up.

Okay, yeah, but in the real world, your Visa expires in 7 days.

Now, appeals take a lot longer than that.

If you're still in the country when you lose your appeal,

you're gonna be banned from re-entering for at least a decade.

I can't quit now.

Just like my favorite movie, "Rocky IV,"

Drago crushes Rocky over and over again, But Rocky, he stands up.

"Rocky IV" happens to be my favorite movie, too.

Okay. Listen to me! We are throwing in the towel.

Because this is not "Rocky" or some Rom-Com,

where you blow out the candles on your birthday cake,

and wake up married to some Prince, okay?

Or is it?

- What? - Well, just for instance, if we got married,

she could become a U.S. Citizen, huh?

You'd marry me?

Stanton, are you insane?

'Cause the I.N.S. is not in the business of just blessing marriages.

They ask questions... Very personal and very specific questions.

All I know is, Damien, that I witnessed something incredible,

that fateful day at the falls.

I think it's time to tell him.

He's blood, family.

Tell me what?

I met this gentleman at the Victoria Falls.

He looked troubled.

So I recounted a story about Brazilian Zombie Ants,

but before I could finish, he told me to stop!

He looked me in the eye.

He had this strange, faraway look... And then he shook my hand,

and... poof... hurled himself into the falls.

Wait, he just jumped? He didn't say anything?

No, how could he?

I mean, I didn't give him a chance to speak.

Since then, I've decided just to let people talk,

and I will just sit quietly and listen.

That's one of the reasons I brought Rachel in,

was to give me more time to understand people like Nataliya.

And I'm very grateful.

I'm sure you are, yes. Um, it's touching.

I mean, it compromises the integrity of the firm,

but touching nonetheless. It's...

Will you, Nataliya, be my Adrian?

Is this really happening?

I wouldn't mind marrying you too much.

Really?

Open up the champagne.

Okay! Time's up!

Next table!

You'll have another 2 minutes to meet your future fiancée!

- Hi. - Hi. So, what do you do?

I'm in banking, divorced, looking to change it up.

Um, I'm straight.

- For now. - Yeah, I'm that good.

You're hot. I bet you get a lot of play.

I'm gonna guess that you dumped him.

- Actually, yeah, I did. - What did he do?

He works for the government... Social Security Office.

What about you?

Oh, we'll get to me in a sec.

You are way more interesting.

Was he cheating? I bet he was cheating.

You are that good.

Moved into a new house in Tarzana.

- With her? - No.

In fact, A.J. says he wasn't cheating.

He says it was business.

Deny, deny, deny. Right?

How else do you explain the candlelight dinners,

meeting in car parking lots, and lying about where you were at night?

- I followed him. - Girl, you have to.

GPS their asses. That's what I did with mine.

Okay, time's up! Next table!

You have 2 minutes!

I think we're done, But I will, uh, take your phone number.

The other woman... what was her name?

Why is it important?

Hey.

Time's up.

Keep it moving, Table 5.

You heard the lady.

Yeah, she said to keep it moving, so why don't you do that? Move.

You know, I should just... come on.

Just tell me the other woman's name.

Do you have proof that Groody bribed the Social Security Clerk,

with a discounted home?

Circumstantial so far.

You look like you're in pain.

I, uh, tweaked my back surfing yesterday.

Really? Paper said the surf was like one foot yesterday.

- Can you even swim? - Continue.

We could get more leverage if the media knew about it...

You know, a big builder exploiting a war veteran,

hanging on to his home.

- And since you're the media-savvy one... - That is so true.

Rachel bitch-slapping you two guys on "Piers Morgan,"

that thing's gone viral.

And yet it got 10,000 less hits,

than you dating Rosie Palm and her 5 sisters there.

Girls, you're both pretty.

I received a call from Fritz Groody, C.E.O. of Groody Homes.

He threatened to convince a handful of our Developer clients,

to walk away from the firm.

Bringing this case to the court of public opinion,

would be a bad idea. - So that's a no?

Groody wouldn't make threats unless you two were on to something.

Stay under the radar,

and if I get a whiff of a client seriously leaving,

I'm pulling the plug.

That's all.

Why isn't Stanton in this meeting?

I think it's Colonic Tuesday.

The burden of proof is lower in a civil trial.

So we slap Groody with a lawsuit alleging fraud.

I bet they get hit with fraud claims all the time.

They'll just go into a 4 corner stall on a court date,

and by then the house will be leveled.

We got to do something to get their attention.

I think I got it.

Okay.

- It's big. - How big?

Your honor, we'd like to file a Wrongful-death Complaint,

against Groody Homes.

Uh, is Mr. Franklin serious?

Hold on. Are you serious?

Dead serious, your honor.

Dead serious. Groody homes is directly responsible,

for the murder of our... - What?!

Wha... oh, my bad... death of our client, Don French.

Your honor, we can show compelling Circumstantial Evidence,

that Groody Homes knowingly and willingly, killed Don French.

- Your honor, Mr. French is sitting r... - I'm sorry?

Oh, no, please. Please finish.

Who is sitting right here?

Your honor, if the defense is recognizing,

that Donald French is alive,

we can all just get out of here right now.

I'm buying.

Look, we are not here to argue

whether or not Don French is alive or dead,

but whether we can move forward and build on the property,

that we lawfully obtained.

Your Honor, this is "Theater of the Absurd".

Well, curtain's going up Wednesday 8:00 A.M... A matinee.

See you there.

Finis!

This is a good thing, right?

That was a really good thing.

Am I the only one that's nervous?

How come you guys are so relaxed?

You got a strong case, Don.

I'm on painkillers.

All rise!

Hey.

Hey.

Psst! Hey.

What happened to the president of your fan club?

It's a new case.

Either side can ding a Judge before trial starts.

Groody Homes vs. Donald B. French, deceased.

Since this is a wrongful-death suit,

The deceased can't be called upon to testify.

Is that clear?

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

This is gonna suck.

Why?

'Cause we can't put our war vet on the stand,

And everyone loves vets, especially juries.

What in the Sam Hill is that?

Uh, if I may, your Honor, this is a legal visual aid.

It's speculative and prejudicial.

And inadmissible. Get rid of it.

Yes, your Honor.

I mean out of this courtroom now!

Oh. I got it. Could you guys get it on out?

Thank you.

You're in.

Okay.

You gonna go...

I got it.

And, Brenda, you are a Sales Rep for Groody Properties, right?

- Yes. - And not just any Sales Rep.

You are Groody's Platinum Salesperson of the Year,

2 years running, right?

I've won my share of steak knives.

Modest. She's being modest.

Do you know the, uh, gentleman in the front row, A.J. Connelly?

He looks a little like Matthew McConaughey.

Assumes facts not in evidence, that he looks like McConaughey.

You see it, right?

- No, not at all. - Really?

- Well, you know him. - Yes.

And you've met with him 5 times between April and May.

- If you say so. - It's not if I say so...

It's the bartender at Anthony's on 3rd says so.

You remember Anthony's... cool, little jazz place,

small, private booths, dark.

We met on business.

- Are you married, Ms. Griffin? - Happily.

As was Mr. Connelly, until his wife found out about you two.

But, hey, just got to keep on livin', right?

L-i-v-i-n, all right?

- All right, all right. - Objection.

What's the problem?

- Imitation? - Sustained.

Mr. Franklin, one more imitation out of you,

and you're gonna do your act in front of a captive audience.

Roger that.

We were discussing your relationship with Mr. Connelly.

We weren't having an affair.

Well, if you weren't cheating with Mr. Connelly,

were you cheating Don French out of his home?

No.

Your honor, Plaintiff's Exhibit 2.

These are the final loan documents,

For a new home, in a Subdivision in Tarzana,

that the witness sold to Mr. Connelly.

Now, what was the price of that home?

$325,000.00

Now, the same house across the street, sold for $425,000 one week ago.

Can you explain how you sold this house,

to this government clerk for 25% below market value?

He drove a hard bargain.

Really? You're Groody Platinum,

Winner of 2 Mercedes, and that guy... no offense...

Got the better of you?

It happens.

It doesn't happen. Here's what happened.

You gave A.J. Connelly a great deal on a new home,

in exchange for murdering Don French.

- Objection. - What did I d... I said "Murder" again. I'm... my bad.

What is wrong with me?

What I meant was, didn't you kill Don French,

so Groody Homes could build on his property?

No.

No further questions.

Okay. Let's do this.

- No, no. No. Get down. We're done.

You did great.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Throw a surf rack on that thing, some monster tires.

That thing looks like it could float.

- We don't even need a boat anymore, - But I still want a boat.

Oh, thanks, Pindy.

Sorry. Wow, this sucks.

Hey, Pindy, thanks for making it through our first week.

Without burning down the house.

This is gonna go on for... ever.

Forever.

What is she doing here?

- I called her. - What?

Why would you do that?

- Hey! - Hey, neighbor.

Hey, guys.

What's up, Doc?

Pindar.

Carmen tells me you hurt yourself,

training for a strong-man competition.

Yeah, dead-lifting our car, right?

I'm fine.

For what it's worth, I'm glad she called.

Seriously?

Yeah, I've been meaning to take you up on that glass of wine,

But it looks like you guys are working, so...

Chardonnay okay? I'll get it.

I got it. I got it. You sure?

I think I can get it. I don't mind.

Oh, you want to get it? Okay. Go ahead and get it.

I should probably get it.

Is everything okay? Never better.

- Why don't you take a seat? - Let's have a look.

All right.

So, what is it that you do?

I'm a lawyer.

You went to college?

Best decade of my life.

Yeah, we're, uh, currently saving an old War Vet's house,

from some Developers.

We also do malpractice.

I'll take one of your cards.

Ohh! Good God!

Wow.

Levator Scapulae Muscle Strain.

That should do it.

I should, uh, actually get going.

What... what about your drink?

Um, I don't usually drink with clients.

So, I'll get my office to invoice you.

- Thanks, guys. - See you!

Huh.

I'm gonna find my Levator Scapula and sever it later tonight.

Ah, hello.

Hello.

Before we get started,

You should know this interview is standard practice.

- Oh, absolutely. - Merely a formality,

to prove that your upcoming marriage isn't one of convenience,

for the sole purpose of obtaining citizenship.

Oh well, I can assure you Officers,

the first time we met, our hearts were joined as one,

weren't they, my dear?

Yes, they were.

- Then you have nothing to fear. - Ooh, great!

Well, um, we're ready when you are.

What year was your fiancée born?

November 19, 1981.

- City? - Horsforth, West Yorkshire, England.

Oh, by the way, I... it's her mother who rode the Napa motorcycle.

He fought with the Shining Path Resistance in Machu Picchu.

Adores garlic toast.

Adores!

Swimming with the Galápagos Turtles at age 11.

Between us, she calls it the Kiev Power Squat.

Yes, o-only one.

He lost it in a prison fight in Honduras.

Sent me a birthday card... 2 cows driving a car.

One turns to the other and says, "m-m-moove over."

Stephen Hawking calls him Einstein.

So far, so good, Mr. Infeld.

You both have gotten everything right.

Yeah.

So, how many do we have to get right to pass?

- All of them. - Oh.

What is your fiancé's... favorite movie?

You are an out-of-work Graphic Artist.

- Is that correct? - Yes.

And, uh, were you and your Uncle close?

Not really. I live in San Jose,

But we're the only family we've got left,

so when he called and said that the Veteran Affairs

claimed he was dead, I flew down to help.

And when Don French was declared dead,

did that not activate the Death Benefits,

for his only surviving next of kin, which is you, correct? - Yes.

Your Honor, I'd like to enter a Death-Benefit check,

issued to Jordan Allen French, dated April 30th, into evidence.

Mr. French, did you endorse this check?

My Uncle asked me to cash that so he could buy groceries.

Is that your signature, Mr. French?

Yes, it is.

If I may embrace the analogy of opposing counsel,

by endorsing this check,

you acknowledge that your Uncle was deceased... - No.

That your Uncle died by your hand, and not my client's, correct?

I don't... I don't know. I was just trying to help.

Thank you. No further questions.

Maybe we blew it with the wrongful death.

If we went with fraud, we could've put Don on the witness stand.

Yes.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for Don's infraction citation.

Bingo!

We can't put Don French on the stand.

We can get someone better.

Boys, boys, I need your assistance on the Nataliya Filas case.

We have to get to court, Stanton.

It's time-sensitive.

Well, actually, it's Jared that I really need.

- Get started. - Meet you there. - See you there.

Jared, when you were temporarily made a Judge,

for your contempt charge,

were you aware that you retained limited powers?

Besides mind control?

Yes.

Uh, like performing a wedding ceremony.

So, uh, Stanton saw a man hurl himself into Victoria Falls,

so now he's a really great listener,

which is allowing him to marry an illegal alien,

so she can stay in the country.

Damien, do you think I've put on a bit of weight?

This is my lucky wedding suit, and I...

No, not at all. That suit looks as good on you,

as it did the last 4 times.

5th time's a charm.

What do you say we get this started?

- John Doe? - Yes, your Honor.

We'd like to call John Doe to the witness stand.

As you can see from the paperwork,

provided by the California Record System,

John Doe resides at 1120 Fillmore Road.

That's him.

Your honor, that's the deceased.

A man can't be both dead and alive.

No, no, we acknowledge that Don French is dead.

That's why we want to talk to John Doe.

It says here that a John Doe lives at this address.

Your Honor, uh, John Doe is a place-holder name for somebody wh... who...

forget it. - Swear him in.

You guys are exhausting.

Thank you.

The marriage contract is a cherished contract, and we know that.

- What? - All right.

If anyone can show just cause why this man and this woman,

may not be lawfully joined together,

let him speak now or hereafter remain silent.

Sorry. That was legitimate, not sarcastic.

Very dry.

- Stanton Infeld, do you take Nata... - Wait.

What is it, my love?

I-I can't let you do this.

Oh, thank God.

Um, all right.

- All right, well, uh... Go ahead. - Give us a minute. - All right.

Uh, it was nice meeting you.

- If this doesn't work out... - Thank you.

My number's in the book.

You have a wonderful heart, Mr. Stanton.

And you deserve a fair shot to achieve your dream.

But not this way.

Oh, people get married for dodgier reasons than patriotism.

We can't let a legality get in the way of your destiny.

Maybe it's my destiny to help you forgive yourself,

for what happened to that man who jumped into the falls.

Just like in "Joe Versus the Volcano",

When Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks sacrifice themselves, to save each other.

Do you understand?

Yes. I understand clearly now.

I believe my journey's complete.

You are a fascinating man, Mr. Stanton.

They should make a movie about you.

Oh, well, actually, there have been 2.

One caused riots in Yemen.

And the other should not be watched with children.

Goodbye, Mr. Stanton.

Goodbye.

And thank you.

Mr. Doe, did you know Donald French?

Yes, sir. We were very close.

- Did you go to his funeral? - There wasn't one.

No closure? That's sad.

Can you tell us a little about Donald French?

Don French was born and raised in Van Nuys, California.

Played some unremarkable high-school football.

Drafted into the Army, in November of '64.

Wounded in La Drang, Honorably Discharged in 1967.

Came home.

Worked as a Machinist at Lockheed.

Objection... relevance, your Honor.

Well, your honor, Mr. Doe is a character witness,

and an eyewitness, in the death of Donald French.

How Mr. French lived is relevant, in how he subsequently died.

I'll allow it.

Mr. Doe, did Don French marry?

Yes, sir.

The beautiful Miss Janet Kreedameyer, of El Segundo, love of his life.

They had one son, Eric.

What happened to his wife and son?

Eric was, uh, killed in the 1st Gulf War.

His beloved Janet, was taken from him in October of 2004.

So, his Nephew Jordan and Don's house on Fillmore Road,

are all that's left of his legacy, correct?

Yes, sir.

Does it strike you as ironic that Donald French,

was wounded in one of the bloodiest battles in the Vietnam War,

and survived his wife and son, only to be killed,

so a realtor could win a trip to Hawaii?

- Objection! - Sustained.

Wind it up, Mr. Bash.

Mr. Doe... were you with Donald French when he died?

Yes, sir.

One afternoon, he simply opened his mail.

Next thing I know, he was gone.

No further questions.

What just happened?

They lost the jury.

Never too early for a Vodka Martini.

First, Vodka Martini is an oxymoron.

A real Martini is made with Gin.

I hope you like it dry.

Second, under my watch, any settlement over six figures,

must be ceremoniously commemorated.

Isn't the olive fattening?

It's dinner.

Wait. Settlement?

Groody caved.

That's wonderful.

Delivered to me personally by Fritz Groody.

- It's more than fair. - Nice.

- Salud. - Cheers.

Cheers.

How much?

Uh...

- Whoa. - Whoa, um... Mm.

Thank you. Thanks.

Oh, look at that.

Are you kidding me? Unbelievable.

Crazy. Oh, Don?

Hey, Don.

Donny.

Hey, Don? Don?

Hey.

Don? What's he doing?

- Feel his pulse. - No! No!

He's your dad's friend! Do it!

Fine.

Oh, man!

- Shut up. - Oh, man.

I'm not getting a pulse.

Try my erection.

- Oh! You son of a... - Geez! John!

Ohh.

- Don. - Don.

You got your house back.

And then some.

- Check that out, huh? - That's a lot of zeroes.

I'm alive.

- You're alive. - You're alive.

- I'm alive! - You're alive.

I'm alive!

Oh. Ohh! Watch out! My neck! My neck!

Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry about that. You know.

- Hey, you! - Come here!

♪ With love, we can stand, we can stand ♪

♪ We can stand, we can stand ♪

♪ It's love we can stand ♪

♪ We can stand, we can stand ♪

♪ We can stand ♪

People, people, let's bring this party inside.

I need you to bring it inside, okay? Oh, "People"?

- What are you... a gym teacher? - What are you doing?

I'm just trying to be considerate for our neighbors.

You mean our neighbors... you mean Charlie.

Come on.

Oh, my God, I'm totally tagging you in this picture!

Oh, my God, can you... library voices, library voices.

Bring it inside.

Peter, they're having fun! Enjoy it!

Come on. Help me out.

Oh, it is good to be back among the living.

Good to have you in here, Don.

- What's up? - Thanks for doing this.

Oh, my God.

♪ We can cry, we can cry ♪

Hi.

- Hi. - Hey. - Hey.

I'm sorry about the noise. I'm... I'm trying to, like...

Yeah, you should apologize for throwing such a lame party.

How's your back?

Uh, you healed me, Doc.

Great.

Uh, make this less awkward.

Where's the bar?

It's o... um, down there.

Yeah.

Hey, what's up with Chuckie?

She billed me.

- What? - Yeah.

That is a b... This is not a bill.

It's her number.

♪ As long as we dance in the thick of it ♪

There we go.

We need to get you another drink.

I'm gonna need to see your I.D.

I'm gonna need to see you in the next 10 minutes.

When this song is over and...

Yep. I like what this beach has to offer.

- You got this? - I got this.

Okay. You stay here. Don't follow me.

If I need you, I'm not going to call.