Franklin & Bash (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Bangover - full transcript

We need a temp.

No! We're not getting a temp.

But Debbie's gone
for three weeks.

Okay. But we don't
do well with temps.

-Remember Mr. Spittle?
-Yes.

-Ms. Litigious?
-Okay.

Just promise me we can
get someone...like her.

♪ So happy now ♪

Holy mother of...

How do I look?

Uh, you got a -- you got
a poppy seed right there.



-What? Where?
-Hi. You look lost.

-I'm Pete--
-Peter Bash.

And Jared Franklin.

I don't think
we'd forget having met.

That's because
you haven't, and you won't.

Yes, well,
it's a shame that my niece

hasn't had time to meet you
until now.

She's been safely ensconced
at my home, away from you two.

I can see why.

Too bad I fly home
to London tonight.

Well, stick around.
London's not going anywhere.

Yes, but Lily is.

Home to my sister,

who will have me killed
if she's not returned



in the same unsullied condition
that she arrived in.

There's no way you two
are from the same gene pool.

All right,
if you'll excuse us,

I'm taking my cousin to lunch
at the Grille.

Lily?

Right.
Where are we going?

The Grille.

No.

Eyes on me.

♪ Finally decided ♪

♪ we can't be divided ♪

♪ we can't be divided ♪

You slept in late.

Huh?

It's noon.
You slept in late.

Oh. Yeah.

You seen my lightsabers?

You own lightsabers?

I collect lightsabers.
There is a difference.

Okay.
Hey, Pindy --

What?

I just --
I did something

really stupid,
and I need somebody to --

Did you ingest
a bottle of painkillers?

Did you get diagnosed
with a terminal illness?

Otherwise, it is not
going to eclipse this crisis!

Oh, wait.

I know where
your lightsabers are.

Where?

Jared and Peter took them.

Why?

No!

Your bad-faith claims

have gone unchecked
for too long!

Join me, and together
we'll rule the insurance galaxy!

Never!

Oh, dude! My eye! My eye.

I'm holding
you both in contempt.

Gentlemen, enjoy the next
48 hours in the county jail.

Your Honor, that's --

72 hours. Care to go for 96?

No, Your Honor.

We got to get
some more business cards

to hand out at county.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm not gonna let you turn this
into a business opportunity.

You will serve your sentence
under house arrest.

All right, leave.

Uh! Without the...Sabers.

Ow!

She seems serious.

Great. Stuck at home.
What the hell are we gonna do?

Whoa!

Oh!

Go ahead. You want to show them?
We'll show them.

Unh! What?
Go around the world.

Around the world.
This is a vacation!

Looks like I found the spot.

What are you doing here?

I thought you had
a plane to catch.

Somebody told me
there was always a party here.

Turns out they're right.

You know, uh,
your Uncle and our boss,

they're not gonna be too happy.

Well, if you're
not gonna get me a drink,

then I'll just get my own.

Coming right up.

Hey,
you remember your last job?

What happened when you banged
the senior partner's daughter?

Yes, I was, uh...Fired.

You were fired. That's right.

'Cause I did it in his office.

This is our house.

Okay,
but this boss isn't a douche.

It's Infeld.
He's been good to us.

You're gonna do it.

♪ Franklin & Bash 1x07 ♪
The Bangover
Original Air Date on July 20, 2011

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ such a vivid picture ♪

♪ ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ if I must say so myself ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Dante?

I told you

lock your windows
in case there's an intruder.

No more, Dante.

It was just not
about sex for me.

I want something more.
Something permanent.

Look,
last night was one last time.

Dante, I'm on parole, okay?

You're on parole.

We could both go back to jail
for just talking.

Then let's stop talking.

Get out. We're not
working together anymore.

No more cons.

I'm going straight.

Like you.

With you.

Not with me, Dante.

Look, we're through.

♪ I know it's on ♪

Don't...Ever...Stop.

Let's say
we call you "Christmas"

and we'll call you
"Thanksgiving,"

and later, we will spend
some time between the holidays.

No? Kwanzaa?
We can do whatever you want.

-Uh, Jared?
-Yes?

The police
have decided to pay us a visit.

And they've brought a dog
with them.

Officer Munson, how
goes it? How can we help you?

Yeah, we got the call

that someone's tether went
beyond the approved perimeter.

No. Oh!

I rolled the trash cans
out to the curb.

Curb's off limits.

You've violated
your house arrest.

Well, I tell you what.

How about I mix you guys
a couple dozen margaritas

and we call it even?

How about
we search the place instead?

All right, so,
you'd need reasonable suspicion

in order to search
without a warrant.

That's what you said
the night we found you

with the black-market
whole milk.

Officer Munson,
when two women

are pouring milk
all over each other,

you don't stop
to ask if it's pasteurized.

That's just rude.

Take me there, boy! Go on!

Someone's been avoiding me,

and it's not your friend Pindar,
who's shown me his entire set

of "Lord of the Rings"
collectibles.

Look, if anyone other
than Stanton was your Uncle,

I'd be all over you.

You'd have to beat me off
with a stick.

Unless I wouldn't.

Ah, you're making this so hard.

That's why you have to leave.

You're actually
kicking me out?

Consider your poor mother,

counting the minutes
until your return

or your Uncle castrating me
with with a Samurai sword.

Hey! That's my bag.

What's going on, guys?

Oh, I don't know.

You tell us.

I am a moron.

What the hell is that?

I don't know.

Damn. I got to go.

Yeah, I know.

I will be back.

I promise.

Mm.
A promise from a con man.

Hey.

Your con man.

Just go.

Where the hell is Karp?
I've left him 17 messages.

We got to find someone
else to post bail for Lily.

I mean,
she's been in jail all night.

Well, no offense,
but if you hadn't

invited Lily in for drinks, none
of this would have happened.

Really?
Well, maybe if someone

hadn't brought a lightsaber
into a courtroom,

we wouldn't be grounded
like 10-year-olds.

Excuse me. There were two
lightsabers in that battle.

Those were my lightsabers --
Force FX Jedi, First Edition.

Judge Sturgess is probably
playing with them right now.

We need to get out of here.

Karp?

-Yeah, finally!
-Hey!

-Where are you?
-Where am I?

I'm on my way to Lily's
arraignment, thanks to you.

-Why is that?
-What?

She shows up at your place.
Now she's in jail?

You connect the dots.
Look, I got to call Stanton.

No, no!

Hey, how about you
putting his niece in a cab

to L.A.X. instead of
driving her there, huh?

That's a dot you can connect.

I'll call you
after Lily's arraignment.

Hey, Karp, while you're there,

it'd be great if you could
visit Judge Sturgess,

get us a continuance
on our insurance case.

You know,
you've got some balls.

Thank you.

That's nice of you to say.

Pindy, who is that?
What is she doing?

She's touching things.

Oh, I'm Marla, your temp.
I'm organizing.

But -- no,
y-you're the temp at the office.

Well, today, this is your
office, so I'm organizing here.

Eh, you know,
it's already organized.

It's a variation
of the Dewey Decimal System.

-That's right.
-Sorry.

I don't know
the Dewey Decimal System.

Nobody knows
the Dewey Decimal System.

That's why
we created the variation.

Got to get this thing off.

A chunk of bologna,
diameter of your ankle,

heated to 98.6 degrees
might confuse the sensor.

We're out of bologna.

You choose to be house-bound.

Embrace the walls, Peter.

Let it wash over you.

No, don't!
That's...my cereal.

Oh.

-It was perfect.
-Sorry.

Where were you last night?

Did you split?
'Cause stuff happened.

Hmm.

Aliens landed.

Took Pindar's genitals

back to their spaceship
for research.

Oh, really? That's great.

Somebody partied too much.

Hangover.

Mnh-mnh. Bangover.

Okay, Dante may have visited

last night and the night before.

Dante?
Are you out of your mind?

Carmen, you are not
supposed to see him.

He's a felon.
Are you working together again?

No, he left.
Look, I'm -- I'm sorry, okay?

I just --
I couldn't help myself.

It's just that our sex
is so amazing,

that whenever I see him again,
I want more.

I'm eating breakfast. I was.

I can't stop the craving.

All right.
All right, we've all been there.

Okay, let's focus on Lily.

Well,
Dante knows where we live.

I'll be focusing on that
for now.

♪ Only way of getting
your attention ♪

Your Honor, this is
Miss Garrett's first arrest.

She is currently
at King's College

at the University of London,

where she is considered by all
to be a model citizen.

Judge Harper: Impressive.

But she's also charged
with possession of marijuana.

I'm horrified
at what's occurred, Your Honor,

and can only express
my sincere apologies.

Judge Harper: Save it.

I don't care
what the voters say.

I take these charges seriously.

I've seen first-hand
from this bench

what the effect of prolonged use
of marijuana can do to a person.

We're concerned about the
defendant being a flight risk.

Her British Airways
flight home --

She missed it last night,

and the flight
hasn't been rescheduled.

Judge Harper:
And it won't be.

The court will take possession

of Miss Garrett's passport
at this time.

Of course, Your Honor.

Damien, between the U.K.'s
"Misuse of Drugs Act" from 1971

and the follow-up drugs act
of 2005...

Are you quoting
English common law?

...Marijuana possession
is considered Class C.

Shut up.

At least I think

you're an adequate lawyer.

Gonna make me blush.

We'll take it from here.

Miss Garrett will be

allowed to post bail
at this time.

Judge Harper:
Assuming I grant bail.

Your Honor, you can't deny
bail on a simple possession.

Judge Harper: I don't need

a lecture on the law
from you, son.

Where would you stay?

7045 Orange Avenue, Los Angeles.

No.
1453 Gareth in Silver Lake.

Peter Bash's house?

Miss Garrett should be
required to stay at my home.

Stay with me.

I can't
with my medical condition.

What condition?

Severe allergy to boredom.

I was bringing the pot
to my friend Lizzie.

She's suffering through chemo
in London.

You were going to
smuggle it through L.A.X.?

Unbelievable!

Do you realize
how much trouble you're in?

I spent the night
in jail, Damien.

But it could be worse.

I left my purse
in Pindar's room last night.

They didn't get my pot muffins.
I could mail them to Lizzie --

Are you crazy?!

You know what?
I'll take those. I got 'em.

I got it.

What the hell?
Is she living here, too?

Look, why not just
buy the cannabis in London?

U.K. pot
isn't nearly as effective

as California homegrown.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Well, I've already filed
a certificate of analysis.

Oh, requiring the prosecution

to test the marijuana
they know is marijuana?

It is standard
opening-defense posture

in a marijuana-possession case.

Uh, for the clueless.

You're opening yourself up
to a left hook.

Please.
I know what I'm doing.

This is our wheelhouse.

If we could get out of here,

we'd go all
Franklin and Bash on 'em.

Do you always
refer to yourselves

in the third person,
like superheroes?

Franklin and Bash
think you should leave.

Stay at my house.

Not a chance.

It's not me.

It's me.

Hey, Stanton! How you doing?

Uh, Jared, how's
house arrest treating you boys?

Uh...Inconvenient.
What's up with you?

I want two of this. One of this.

And this --
you can tell the weaver

to apologize to the sheep.

What?

Jared, um, Charles Anitel --

he's bringing in
an intellectual-property case.

A competitor is launching
a new video game called "6-6-6."

It steals from his
"Satan's Vision" series.

I know it.
Yeah, first-person shooter.

You're trying to escape
from hell.

It's good training to have
for the future.

Well, I need a tutorial.

Uh, okay. Well,
we're in the office on Friday.

Oh, no.
Friday -- that's too late.

I'm coming over now.

Oh! But, uh --

Don't do anything special.

A nice tropical-fruit plate

would be lovely, sans the mango.

See you in a few.

Wait, wait!
Stanton, Stanton, what's a few?

Is that English for "an hour,"
'cause that would be -- Stanton?

Hello? Hello?

Stanton's on his way over.

Yeah, today's
not gonna be a good day.

You got that right.

Dante left this behind.

There's 100 grand here.

Dante left $100,000
in your room?

Carmen, you have got to
show me what you do in bed.

It'll be platonic.

I'm gonna say that
the second he got out of prison,

he must have went
and picked up money

that they never found
from his last job.

Let me play captain
obvious and say that keeping

stolen money here
is grounds for all our arrests.

So return it
to the authorities.

And when the ex-con with
previous convictions for assault

shows up for his money,

we can just explain
that we gave it to the police.

-We have to return it.
-Yeah.

Look, I'm not gonna be the one

to put him back in prison.

Your pre-existing
psychological disorder

associating him
with sexual gratification

is going to put us all in jail.

Look,
we have to do something --

Knock-knock! Hello!

Hel-- oh! Pindar.

Oh, I think this is
the first time I've seen you

not on a flat screen
or a laptop.

-Excuse the mess.
-Oh, no worries.

Reminds me of a summer I spent

in the South of France
with the Stones.

Oh, good story.
How you doing? Please.

Well, I'm very relieved

that my niece
is off this continent.

Close call.

Yeah.

Could be closer.

Lily, your Uncle,
my boss, are in this house.

I know.

Where do you stand
on danger sex?

I'm a proponent.

So am I.

♪ We're here together ♪

♪ just you and me ♪

♪ searching through ourselves ♪

I don't know
what I was thinking.

I'm sorry?

How many times

has Dante told me he'd come back
and didn't?

Right.
I see the sex fog has lifted.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I don't think

a person just leaves
100 grand, Carmen.

He's gonna come back for it.

And f-for you, of course.

Whatever. It's okay.

Because if he really cared
anything about me,

then he wouldn't have left
the first two times.

I'm over him.

But I don't think he's over you.

I think he's walking around
in his own bangover,

and then
he'll come to his senses.

That's really
sweet of you to say, but...

Honestly, I hope he doesn't.

Because I am not gonna have sex

for a very long, long,
long time.

Welcome
to my snow globe, Carmen.

♪ I know it's on ♪

I got it.

♪ One touch ♪

Hi. We need to talk to
Jared Franklin or Peter Bash.

Jared, it's for you.

Officers.

Okay, we haven't even
been outside today.

Yeah, yeah, we know.

We're here to question
Carmen Phillips.

It's concerning
an old friend of hers.

About what?

Mobile phone records showing

she's spoken and texted
Dante Cole

since his release from prison.

Which is
a major parole violation.

Well,
as Carmen's lawyer...

As Carmen's lawyer,
I'm gonna have to see

complete records of these
so-called...phone calls.

Okay.

Also have a search
warrant for the premises.

Search for what?

Money that Dante Cole conned

from retirees in Scottsdale.

We have reason to believe

Miss Phillips
may be hiding it for him.

Guys.

What?!

You're an idiot.

No one's ever gonna know.

Except maybe them.

What the hell? What the hell?

Aah!

They think
Carmen is hiding money.

So maybe the naked cowboy

could put his little pick away
and come help out?

Okay, do you have
any more relevant information?

What the hell is going on?

Hey, thanks for coming.
Get her out of here.

No, no, no.
I'm taking you home.

I already have a mother,
Damien.

Oh, yeah? And what
do you think she would say

if she knew that your future
legal career may be ruined?

And what are you doing?
This thing with -- with Peter?

Okay, this is
a terrible environment.

You're coming with me.
Let's go.

No, it's okay, guys.
Just let me do it.

Carmen --

Okay, so, uh...
I found something yesterday.

Uh, right.

Which we, uh -- we would report,

uh, but then, you know,
you guys showed up so we --

What?

Uh...

This paint can --

Yeah?

The paint that was used
in this storage cabinet --

it was --
this is all lead-based.

Which, uh...

Is an obvious health hazard
to any passing toddler.

-Yeah.
-Don't waste our time.

Yeah, just didn't want --
you know.

Sorry, officers.
You be careful out there.

What happened?

Find anything?

300 rolls
of "We've got your back"

Franklin & Bash toilet paper.

Two-ply. Downy soft.

Pallet of goat food.

Thanks for reminding me
that my goat died in my arms.

But no money.

Uh, no.

Of course not.
So Carmen can stay?

No. We've got her
on multiple parole violations.

What are you talking about?

-Come on, guys.
-Is that even necessary?

-Come on.
-She'll be downtown.

-Carmen, stay cool.
-We'll get you out, okay?

Don't talk to anybody.

I know.
Not my first prom.

Stay.

Ah, Damien.

I just got a call
from Lily's mother.

She wasn't on the flight.

Yeah, right.

You knew about that.

No. Knew about what?

Um, just --
Lily missed her flight.

But you told me

that you got her to the airport
in plenty of time.

I just -- I got tied up
on the McClatchy depo and --

You put her in a cab?

-No. Car service.
-Where is Lily now?

She's at my house,
and I'm gonna get her

on the first flight to London
in the morning.

Uh, whoa.
I swear to God, Damien,

if she's not in the air
first thing in the morning --

Everything is gonna be fine.

Kids.

So I suppose
you'll want children someday?

Yes, very much.

My chances of siring any more
offspring are practically nil

since that bull trampled
on my left stone in Pamplona.

But I got even with the beast.

I grabbed hold
of his oyster sac,

and he pulled me off
at 60 meters.

Okay, that never happened.

It's on YouTube.

All right, well,
you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna call the travel agent.

I'll make sure
that Lily's got a plane ticket.

Yes, you do that.
Hey. No surprises, huh?

Otherwise, it'll be your stones
underneath my boot heel.

Right.

Thank you very much.

Filed the 995 motion
to dismiss Carmen's case.

Great! What did you two
do to this bathroom?!

Look at you. Citing penal
code sections and everything.

What are you doing here?

That's a nice greeting.

Well, you know,
you can't just break up with me,

get engaged,
and then come by my house

with an obvious bribe
from my favorite bakery.

This isn't your house.

It's a crime scene...
In a case that I'm prosecuting.

Well, we have a strong
search-and-seizure argument.

They didn't have a warrant
when they entered this party.

Sorry.
Exigent circumstances.

They didn't need one.

So...

Where is Mary Poppins?

With her cousin, freaked out.

Worried that her future's
completely screwed.

She's attractive...

If you go for that whole
smart-ass-Brit kind of thing.

And I don't.

You slept with her.

Is -- is -- is this

part of your
crime-scene investigation?

Peter, you just met her.

Janie, we had sex
during our first date.

Give me the muffins.

No.

Ugh!

Janie, I don't expect you
to go easy on Lily,

but going hard on her
because of me would be --

Don't tell me
how to do my job.

Never.
Hey, thanks for the sweets.

Whatever.

Slut.

♪ Something that your heart
aches for ♪

Thank you.

What are you doing?

I am trying to find
somebody to scare up bail money.

Scare some up for us,
too. We are hiding evidence.

What is he doing?

Pindar, sit down.
You're making me nervous.

Don't tell me to sit down.

Dante's probably on his way
to get Carmen and his money,

and we don't have either.

Well,
you're making a nice target

standing in the window.

After weighing
possible germ exposure outside

against possible brain damage
from Dante inside,

I feel well enough
to leave the premises.

Gonna go pack.

Oh, come on.
Nut up, Pindy!

-Carmen needs us.
-And don't forget Lily.

I mean, I got to get out of
here, or else I will go insane.

Those policemen have no respect
for personal property.

Okay, Marla, stop cleaning!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You don't have to clean every
single little room in the --

did you clean
the storage cabinet in the back?

Yeah.

What about the paint cans?

I was gonna drop them
at my neighborhood

toxic-materials pick-up
on Saturday.

-Oh!
-You have the cans!

- Yeah.
-Oh! Mwah!

Marla, you're awesome!

They're at my house.

You should go get them.

-Go get them.
-Yeah.

Right now.
You should go home.

-Marla oh, okay.
-Yeah.

-Great job.
-Go get those cans.

And we'll have you
sign a waiver with a kiss.

-You did a great thing.
-Yes! I feel better now.

Oh, I can breathe!

You want to play some Madden?

That would be nice.

Well,
if it ain't Ren and Stimpy.

Yeah, what's up?

Hey, Dante. How you doing?

Where's Carmen?

-She's...been arrested.
-Damn it!

Yeah,
the cops knew you called her.

That's a parole
violation. She's in county.

-This is my fault.
-You think?

I didn't say that out loud.

That was just a thought. Slipped
out. I'm gonna put that --

Look, I know
you don't like me with Carmen,

but I'm telling you,
I've changed.

Now help me get her out.
I'll pay you. I got money.

-No, you --
-No, uh...You know what?

It would be best
if you turned yourself in.

Not an option.
I left my backpack here.

-All right.
-It's not here.

He's not going to find it.
He's gonna be pissed.

-Where is it?
-Hey.

Now he's happy.

Uh...It's not here.

Right.

But, uh...
We could take you to it.

-Yeah.
-Where?

In an industrial park
in, uh, Santa Clarita.

Yeah.
And we'll take you there.

Then take me.

-Okay.
-Okay.

From the second
I first saw Carmen at the grove,

I knew she was the one.

So you stole
her money and credit cards.

But I returned her purse.
That's how I knew it was love.

I want to take the money.
I want to start a life with her.

You realize there are
some pensioners in Arizona

that are not sharing
your happiness.

In my business, you got
to learn to compartmentalize.

How long we been driving?

15 minutes. Seems longer.

Where are we going?

Right turn.

The GPS says make a right.

Hey, what the hell
are you doing?!

What the hell are you
doing? Eyes -- eyes front.

Pull over.

-Get out!
-Okay.

Where's my money?!
You got it or not?!

-Okay.
-Yeah, but it's not here.

Look, Dante, there's only
one way to get Carmen back.

How?

We can get your sentence
knocked down to a year

if you turn yourself in
and give back the money.

And I bet once you get out,
you'll get Carmen for good.

Dante, you want to run
or do you want Carmen?

You can't have both.

Look, those sirens
are getting louder

because they're coming here.

You ever wear one of these?

Did you set me up?

Whoa, whoa.
Dante, come on.

Are you the same guy,
or are you a changed man?

How do I know
you're just not conning me?

You don't.

But we have a plan.
You want to hear it or not?

Say yes, Dante.
I want to hear it, too.

Hands in the air!

Going out
for drive-thru's a violation?

We got to eat.

Y'all want some fries?

What happened? You guys okay?

Well, Dante's at large,

and we got an additional
two days of house arrest.

There's more bad news.

There are no Infeld/Daniels
attorneys available

to handle Carmen's
violation hearing tomorrow.

Did you ask everybody?

Twice.
Deaver's got jury duty.

Harmon's got
a gallbladder procedure.

And Hanna's visiting her mother
in Los Gatos.

But there is one
Infeld/Daniels attorney

that you haven't called.

He's tall, dark, neurotic.

No.

Think of all the times
that Carmen saved your ass.

Come on, Pindy. They can
put her in jail for years.

No, no, no, don't
do this to me -- or to Carmen.

We'll fill you up with all
the case references you need.

Fill your briefcase

with your favorite
hand sanitizers.

Marla will drive you
door to door.

I need my medication.
I'm out of medication.

Stop using your meds
as a crutch. You can do this.

♪ I am so happy now ♪

We may have
taken a small step backwards

with Lily's
certification demand.

What happened?

The police tested the marijuana
and discovered it was marijuana?

They found something hidden

in the lining
of Lily's travel bag.

I purchased a quantity
of cannabis lozenges.

The lozenges are weighed
by their total candy weight.

Yeah, that's right.

So her possession charge has now
gone from 6 ounces to 3 pounds.

Possession becomes
intent to sell.

And possible chance of
probation becomes a long shot.

I really stepped in it,
didn't I?

♪ Down ♪

-Got everything?
-Yes.

You look great. Okay?

We're late.

Don't antagonize Janie.
It'll only makes things worse.

Janie?

-The D.A., his ex.
-Really?

Would have been helpful
to have known that.

Doesn't matter.
It's over. She's engaged.

Okay, as fascinated
as I am by your love life

with my flesh and blood, I'm
just gonna go focus on the case.

I'll be in the car.

Why would she care?
Is she jealous?

No.

Maybe a little.

Wait, Karp. Wait.

Actually, you do want to hear
about my love life.

♪ It's something
that your heart pays for ♪

Mr. Singh.

Mr. Singh,
I said, "Are you ready?"

I am, Your Honor.
Thank you for asking.

Ms. Phillips,
could you please tell us

the number of times you had sex
with Mr. Dante Cole?

And please,
don't leave out any details.

Leave out
the details, Ms. Phillips.

We're fine.

-Four.
-Four times.

The, uh, second night.

And four times...
The first night.

Hmm.

Why would you have sex

with a man you were ordered
to have no contact with?

Well, I guess sometimes
your body fights your mind

when -- when you know
that the man you hate

is also...

The best sex
that you've ever had.

Let me be clear on this.

You're saying that your
physical need for Dante Cole

rendered you
incapable of rational thought.

In effect,
you weren't conscious.

Objection.
Counsel is testifying.

Maybe if he asked a question,

then we could hear
from the defendant --

We have no jury, Mr. Nelson,

so we're just
gathering up the facts.

You can relax.

Yeah. Relax.

Please continue.

I, um...

You know, I can't give you
the chemistry of it, but, yeah.

No further questions.

How you doing, Pindy?

I'm lovely, Peter.
How are you and Jared?

We're doing great.
How you doing there?

I'm calling
our sex doctor next,

but it's basically
just a stall tactic.

Still no word
from your surprise witness.

Pindar, you doing okay?

Yeah,
I'm absolutely fabulous, Peter.

Well, that's great, buddy.

See, you didn't need the meds.
You just needed to sac up.

Yes, well,
I guess it did take

some testicular fortitude
to eat the muffins.

I've never tried
Mary Jane before,

and I am now a strong advocate
of medicinal marijuana.

What?

The muffins.
They were in the kitchen.

I ate them
with some cold milk this morning

just to help with my anxiety.

Pindy,
I threw out the pot muffins.

They're in the garage freezer.

What?

You must have eaten
the muffins that Janie bought.

At the bakery.

This is huge, buddy.
This is a breakthrough.

You did it on your own.

-Thank you.
-Sir?

Calling us back in.

Defense counselor would
like to request a continuance

due to a medical emergency
involving the defense counselor.

Objection. We're
in the middle of a hearing.

What is wrong with you, man?!

We're both just people!
Can we just --

What is the
medical emergency, Mr. Singh?

Excessive internal vomiting.

It's a reaction
to my medication.

Mr. Singh was fine
15 minutes ago.

Yeah, denied.
I've seen this movie.

I know that you're
under the employ

of Franklin and Bash, Mr. Singh.

Not gonna work.

Fine.

I would like to call a witness.

Her name is Dr. Betsy Meyerson,

and she is
a certified sex doctor.

Dr. Meyerson, let's talk
about secretions -- sex.

Sex secretions...

During sex.

Well, during sex,

the human body can produce
astronomical amounts

of adrenaline, cortisol,
dopamine, serotonin,

oxytocin, vasopressin,
and prolactin.

That is a lot of mojo.

Objection! Do we really
need to listen to --

I wasn't objecting
during any of your questions!

Mr. Singh?

Unh-unh.

S-sorry.

Lily will accept
three years probation

and 1,000 hours
of pro bono legal services

under the supervision
of Peter Bash.

And Mr. Bash
has offered his home

so that he can
keep a close eye on her.

Well, frankly,
I think it's too lenient.

But if Miss Ross is comfortable,

I'll reluctantly
go along with it.

I look forward
to working under Peter Bash.

A lot.

We're concerned

that the defendant's behavior
will continue

if she stays in Los Angeles.

And we'd hate to keep her
away from her best friend

suffering through chemotherapy.

So we'll agree to the deal,

provided Miss Garrett
leaves Los Angeles forthwith

and doesn't return to
the United States for 10 years.

-10 years?!
-Okay!

She'll just need a few days
to get her affairs in order.

We can get her a seat

on the next available
flight to London.

Even better.

Listen to me.
This is a great deal.

Okay, the D.A.
has you dead to rights.

If she wants,
she can push this to trial,

and you could go to jail.

All right. I'll take it.

I think there's a 6:00 p.m.
leaving L.A.X. to Heathrow.

Actually, there's one
at 3:00 this afternoon.

I'll be your driver.
No detours.

Well,
Stanton Infeld in my courtroom.

This day keeps getting better.

Oh, uh, it's a thrill

for me, as well, Your Honor.

Well, if I were you,

I'd get my pot-smoking niece
out of here

before I change my mind
about her deal.

You know, I got him off
a public-indecency charge

30 years ago.

You'd think he could be
a little more civil.

Oh, you've been a naughty girl.

Damien, well done.
You're a credit to this family.

Oh, speaking of family,
I've got to convince my sister

to cancel that hit man
that she ordered.

Oh. You think I'm joking?

No. No.
You only lied to her once, dear.

I've been lying to her
for three days.

Come on.

Dr. Meyerson,
what you're saying

is that Carmen Phillips
is a rational adult

who knowingly violated
the rules of her parole

due to her addiction

to the shuddering,
sweat-soaked orgasms,

in unmentiable -- un--
unmentionable positions?

No, I didn't say that.

Were you thinking it?

Mr. Singh
is not seriously arguing

that Miss Phillips' orgasm
was so intense, so pleasurable,

as to form
some sort of addiction?

Yeah, he is.

And if you want,
we can prove it.

What took you so long?

Who are you?

Dante Cole.
Carmen's boyfriend.

Bailiff.

Your Honor, permission
to approach the bench!

Granted.

You don't have to yell.
I'm right here.

I would like to propose a deal.

If the D.A. frees Carmen,

then Dante
agrees to release the money

in exchange
for a lighter sentence

and five minutes with my client
before he's taken to jail.

We will accept the deal

as soon as the money
is in our possession.

It sounds reasonable.

Oh, I suppose
this is when you'll tell us

that if we let Mr. Cole go,

he'll go
and bring back the money.

No. The prosecution
already has the cash. $100,000.

-No, we don't.
-Yes, you do.

Miss Phillips is so clearly --

It's in
that briefcase right there.

Mr. Singh, this better not be

one of your Franklin and Bash
stunts -- I'm not in the mood.

It's not, Your Honor.

Whoa.

It appears to be $100,000.

Well,
then I will accept the deal.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Bailiff, five minutes.

Thank you.

The second I get out,
I'm coming for you.

Dante, look...

We're -- we're through.

That's why you got out the game.

You are a terrible liar.

♪ Doing it all in the name ♪

Okay,
portal out, people. Show's over.

Come on.

♪ It was worth it again ♪

Oh! Inhale the freedom.
It is a beautiful thing.

Whoo! It is great to get out.

You want to sit outside?

-Hell, no.
-Good.

Ahh.

Let me ask you.

Can a bangover
really apply to men?

Because I can't think of any sex
with any woman

that I wouldn't want to repeat
as many times as possible.

I don't know. I think it can.

I mean, if you really love
the girl, sex can be a drug.

It'll mess you up.

Did you have
that feeling with Lily?

No.

It was great, though.

Okay, you get one day on
a deserted island with Scarjo

and it's a total all-you-can-
stomach sex buffet...

But...

But no sex with anyone
else for the next five years.

-That's a no-brainer.
-You'd do it?

-Absolutely!
-How you figure?

A Scarjo bangover
would last at least two years,

maybe three years,
if there was cuddling.

So three years done,

and then the next two years,
I could download the experience.

Other than calluses,
I don't really see an obstacle.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You're right. You're right.

I didn't think big-picture.

You don't think about it.

In fact, I would consider
swearing off sex

for the rest of my life
for one night with Scarlet.

-That's crazy talk.
-I am a crazy man.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==