Franklin & Bash (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Bro-Bono - full transcript

I never kiss and tell.

Yeah, right.

All right.

My ball.

7-ball, corner pocket.

All right.

What about Ann Weisler?

What about her?

Couldn't keep that a secret.

You're the only person
I told about that.

What happened that night
will die with me.



I love the Ann Weisler story.

Making love on the beach
in Del Mar,

getting tangled up in the kelp.

Kelp is sexy.

Okay, like I said,
I didn't tell anybody.

Pindar's not anybody.

What about you and Hanna?

Okay --
nothing happened

with me and Hanna, okay?

Your husband said,

"You knew who I was
when you married me,"

after you confronted him
about cheating on you.

You see,
that's an admission of guilt

and will trigger the infidelity
clause against him.



I don't want things
to get nasty.

Oh, well, let's hope
they don't come to that.

You can catch more flies
with honey.

Ready?
Oh. Mulligan.

-You got it, buddy.
-Thanks, buddy.

Karp's coming!

By the way,
did I tell you --

I actually breed
Portuguese honeybees.

Why don't we step
into my office?

Mm.

Surprise!

Happy Birthday!

You do not look 50.

There, I've said it.

That's because I'm not
anywhere near 50.

Birthday? I thought

-that was in September.
It is.

Well, it wouldn't have
been a surprise then.

-What's this?
-This is from us.

And the firm chipped in
for all of it.

-Stanton.
-So...

-Ah.
- Thanks, Stanton.

And who is this?

Oh, this is Maya Paxton.

She's what we call a "client."
We're handling her divorce.

You know, you'd think
with my name above the door,

somebody would put a beverage
in my hand.

Ah. Derek.
How's your wife?

Come on.

Maya Paxton.

Yeah.
Wife of Rick Paxton.

-Guy who climbed Everest alone?
-Oh.

Ballooned solo
around the globe.

Swam the English channel --

guy is a walking
cologne commercial.

Paxton also owns a significant
video-game company.

For now.
We'll take care of that.

Um, I don't know how many of you
will have jobs tomorrow,

but you should probably
get back to them.

Damien, loosen up!

It's almost your birthday!

Hey.
Here's the thing.

Let me give you
a little tip here.

Girls like a guy
who know how to have fun.

-Lots of fun.
-Oh.

See, I want this to be a good
horse race between you and me.

But right now,

I'm just pulling ahead.

I'm way out there.

Oh. Yeah.

That's a very cool guitar.

Do you mind if I...

Sure.

Thanks.

Need a pick?

Sure, I'll use
your plectrum.

"Plectrum."

That's beautiful.

That is beautiful.

-Absolutely.
-Did you write that?

Needs a tuning.

Thank you, Jared.

I'm gonna get back to my desk.

You should tune --
you should tune it.

-You should tune it.
-You should tune it.

Franklin & Bash 1x04
Bro-Bono
Original Air Date on June 22, 2011

♪ Ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ such a vivid picture ♪

♪ ooh, what a mixture ♪

♪ if I must say so myself ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

All right, let's do this!

All right, boys.

You might want to back up
for this one.

I don't feel so good.
I don't want to do this.

Get somebody short, please.
I'm gonna be sick.

Pindy,
if you puke near me again,

I swear to God,
I will take off your head.

Just do it!
Just do it, then!

Oh! Awesome!

All right. Pay up.

Ohh. Uh, listen, if this
private-investigator thing

doesn't work out,
there's always special forces.

Thank you.

I get a cut of that.

Let me ask you --

if you were a chick,
would you go for me or Karp?

-Karp.
-What?

What? He's got the
Porsche, the Wilshire condo,

the Soho house membership.

Okay,
you are one vapid chick.

You know what?
I don't even want to date you.

Well, it's a moot point,
'cause I'd be boning Karp.

I want to see
other people.

Go ahead.

Oh!

Is that...

Everybody's all-American!

Danny Dubois!

Double D! Yeah!

How great is this place,

after 10 years
you can still cruise it

and know something's
happening here?

Yeah, that is great.
We should move.

Well, Double D heard that.

You did the thing
with the face!

Let's move in together!

We should!
That wouldn't be awkward at all!

Last we heard,

you were some hedge-fund guy
in Connecticut.

Yeah. Just out here
visiting family.

Sure you don't want a drink?

No, thanks.
I do need a lawyer, though.

Last week, I got caught up
in a little brawl.

-Like a brouhaha?
- I don't know.

I was at a strip club,

and there were beer, fists,
and teeth flying.

-Ah, a donnybrook.
-Ah.

Oh. Sweet.

So I thought I'd throw
a little business your way,

and since Bash here
is tapping the D.A...

We broke up.

That sucks.

Yeah, also, we're
with Infeld/Daniels now.

We don't really do donnybrooks.

So give us a call when you start
embezzling pension funds.

Nad!

Still a wise-ass!

Don't call me "Nad."

Danny's a tool.

He was a tool back then,
he's a tool now.

Is this about
the shower thing?

Oh, come on.

That was 15 years ago!

Yeah.

Fine. You know what?
We'll do it.

Any excuse for you
to see your ex.

Danny was at home
when his buddy Mike Cromwell

called from the club.

Some guys were messing
with Mike and he needed backup,

so he called Danny.

So why call the cops?

Danny ends up
getting his ass kicked

while Mike hid behind the bar.

Guess who gets charged
with the assault.

-Your client.
-Exactly.

Look at the report.
Everyone was throwing punches.

Including your client.

Sitting this one out, Jared?

Just the meetings
involving you.

Look, he's got no record,

and there's no way to tell
who started the fight.

I'm reading.

Stop biting your lip.

Stop looking at me.

She knows
that's a strong move.

Oh, sometime today.

Okay. Talk.

All right.
The club manager

has no interest
in pursuing this case.

It's not my case.

It's been assigned to
Ellen Swatello.

No!
She hates us.

She hates everybody.

I'll talk to her,

see if I can get her
to reduce the charges.

Thank you.

You're just being cruel.

Stop.

What?

Okay. Let's begin.

Even though this is
an arbitration

and the evidentiary rules
are relaxed,

the rule of law still applies.

All right, all right.

Can we just do this, please?

Sure.
How about ladies first?

My client, Maya Paxton,
is seeking a divorce

for loss of consortium.

Mr. Paxton lost interest
in his wife.

They haven't had sex
in eight months,

which suggests that he reverted
to his old ways.

We're gonna show
that Rick Paxton

violated the infidelity clause
in the prenup.

That's not true.

Interesting theory.

I don't suppose
you have any proof?

Aside from the fact he's obviously
grown tired of sleeping --

Glenna!

He's right. Unless
you want to get sanctioned,

I wouldn't finish that sentence.

We're working
on the proof.

We'll find it.
Trust me.

When someone cheats,
I find out eventually.

Because of Mr. Paxton's
sexual history,

dual infidelity clauses were instituted,
punishing both parties.

I'm aware of that.

Well, it's hard for my
client to have sex with his wife

if she's always in Florida
doing her home-shopping show.

I-it's even harder
to have sex

when her husband's crossing
the Atlantic in a balloon.

Assuming he didn't have
his girlfriend in the balloon.

Whoa.
Whoa, now, hold on.

Now, it's one thing to say
that I cheated on Maya,

it's another to say that
I cheated on my solo flight.

Wow, so glad to see

you have your priorities
in order, Rick.

I mean, God forbid you'd cheat
on a balloon.

Your honor,
I believe the prosecution --

who, by the way,
looks radiant today --

has a motion to reduce
the charges?

I'm aware Mr. Bash spoke
to my happily engaged colleague,

Janie Ross.

Ohh. She went
for your knees there, bro.

Unsportsmanlike conduct,
your honor.

It does seem a bit personal.

No kidding.
Thank you. Your honor.

But new evidence
has come to light

that requires a new charge
be added --

driving under the influence.

D.U.I.?
Come on, this was a little...

A donnybrook.

Which your client
drove to drunk.

We have security-camera footage

of the defendant
driving recklessly

across a golf course
and up to the strip club.

I drove up in a golf cart.

And when
the police arrived,

they took everyone's
blood alcohol,

and Mr. Dubois' was above
the legal limit.

Did you charge everyone

who drove to the club
with d.U.I.?

Just the ones who punched
the arresting officer.

He wasn't wearing a uniform.

I didn't mean to punch him.

I didn't mean to punch you.

It would have been helpful

if you mentioned that detail
to us, Double D.

Assault charges gone.

Drunk-driving charges added.

Wow, I didn't see that coming.
Did you, Mr. Bash?

What kind of stunt was that?

Look who's whining
about stunts.

See you guys at trial.

What is her problem?

What is your problem?!

Oh. Ohh. Really?

-You asked.
-I didn't ask anything.

You asked the question.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I've been here eight years,

and I still have to deal
with imbeciles like you two,

while your sainted
suck-up Janie,

who's been here
half as long as me,

gets bumped up to Major Crimes.

Yeah, okay.
Have a nice day.

Why can't I find a woman
like that?

What's going on?

If the cop's so pissed,

why don't they just stick
with the assault?

'Cause if they just
charged you

and not everyone
who threw a punch,

we'd argue selective
prosecution.

Now they can go after just you.

Yeah, they're gonna ask
for jail time,

and if you're convicted,
they'll get it.

Guys, I had two beers.
I wasn't drunk.

Again, where were you

when you got the call
to go to the club?

I was kicking it at home.

Okay, when you say
"Kicking it" --

feel free to join us
in this decade --

where would that be?

That's not a tough
question. Where were you?

I live with my grandmother.

I got in the game
just as the economy tanked,

so I was the last hired
and the first fired.

Couldn't keep the condo,
so I came here.

Are you gonna be able
to pay us?

I was kind of hoping
you had a pro bono policy.

"Bro Bono."

Hey, Nana.

Hey, Danny, come on!

We got to get to the market.

We miss free samples
after 5:00.

If I get a D.U.I.,
do I lose my license?

Yeah, probably.
For a while.

I drive my grandmother
and her friends

to the doctor and errands.

I thought it'd be
a pain in the ass,

but turns out
they keep me young.

Danny! Come on!

All right, all right.

For God's sake, come on.

Admit it!

You're happy that Danny's fallen
on rough times.

He was a dick to you
in high school.

That's not true, Peter,

because there,
but for the grace of God, go I.

If I were a douche.

Hey.
What happened?

Your colleagues only succeeded

in getting Rick
and his lawyer angry.

And what a raging bitch.

Well, Hanna and Karp know that
your husband's a public figure

and he wants to keep
the divorce quiet.

But the threat
of blowing up the arbitration

and taking this to a public
trial is sound legal advice.

It just lacks
human compassion

and puts more money
into our firm and theirs.

I appreciate the honesty.

Could use a little bit of that
in my life.

Thank you.

Anytime!

We're open three days a week.

You really are determined
to get us fired, aren't you?

Carmen talked
to a stripper

who saw Danny break up
the fight.

Why not put her on the stand?

Thought about it,
but jurors don't like strippers.

You know who
they do love? Old people.

Gonna talk to Danny's
grandmother and her friends,

see if any of them noticed that
Danny was sober when he left.

I love old people.

I tried to live in
a retirement home once.

They're clean, there's no
stigma to being housebound,

and the food is delicious.

Let me handle this.

You got it, pal.
Just keep your eye on the ball.

I got a call
from Maya Paxton.

She was very impressed
with your candor this afternoon.

Me? Not so much.
Hi, Pindar.

Hello, sir.

You upset?

Well, we're not

the poverty law center, Jared.

We're actually in this
to make a profit.

However, Maya liked you so much,

she wants you
on the Paxton arbitration.

With Hanna?

Well, I-I need him
on the assault case.

Damien can fill you in
with the details.

Or Hanna.
Probably Hanna.

Yeah.

Uh, is there something
I should know about those two?

-No.
-Really?

No.

There's been some talk.

I-I don't listen
to...that...kind of stuff.

Really? Hmm.

All right. Hmm.

We all together?

I am, of course,
Pindar Singh.

I wish I could be there
with you today,

but I am unfortunately
stuck in London.

That's bullshit.

-Get out of here!
-Bullshit!

I want to thank you
all for coming today.

Whatever we can do
to help my grandson.

Okay. You live at
the Palms. Stellar facility.

Not as nice as Coldwater Creek,
but a much nicer piano.

I hate the parrot
in the lobby. Nasty bird.

I'm sorry.
Who said that?

-Me. I hate birds.
-Me too.

Did you know that birds
carry more germs than rodents?

I used to shoot 'em
out of my bedroom window

till the home took away
my second amendment rights.

Perhaps we can kill
birds together someday, miss...

-Nanette.
-...Nanette.

Uh, how much did Danny
have to drink that night?

We were at my place
watching "Ice Road Truckers,"

and Danny dropped by
after his run.

We tend to congregate
in my room.

Best TV in the village.

Nanette is talking!

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, how much
did Danny have to drink?

He was on his second beer

when the phone call came
from his friend.

Is there any way
to back up your recollection

that Danny only had two beers?

Well, I still have
four beers from that six-pack

in my fridge.

Would that help?

Doesn't hurt...

Nanette.

Pindar.

The plans for my dream house

were drawn up
before I even met Maya.

I mean, if there's any dream
involved here, it's mine.

Rick can have it.

Ain't no thing.

I don't want it.

Maya,
we didn't agree to this.

Jared and I discussed it
on the way over,

and the house is a disaster.

Well, fine.

Uh, then Maya can have the --
the cabin in Aspen.

I mean, she's the skier
in the family --

or was the skier.

Mm.

How did you let this happen?

-Me?
-Yeah, you.

Let's keep moving.
We can be done in an hour.

Great.
I'll make a tee time for 2:00.

Hey, wait a minute!

Yes. Everybody just needs
to stop being so...

Decent?

This is a complicated case.

There are
irreconcilable differences.

Like the fact that Mr. Paxton

is cheating on his wife.

Oh, absent proof.

I don't see how you think...

We got phone records, e-mails,

and...those pictures
are pretty clear evidence

of a relationship.

Your client's
little transgression

just triggered item five...

to the tune of $60 million.

Fine.

I raise you...

another $60 million.

Whoa.

Wait a minute.

Both sleeping
with the same mistress?

How very green of you.

Put them together, it's funner.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

Why didn't you tell us?

It's not what it looks like.

Question for the scary lady.

That one.

Why are we seeing this crap now?

Why are we just seeing yours?

We just learned about it.

Oh, please.

And if you hadn't spent
so much time

trolling the sludge
to get your client

a payoff she doesn't deserve,
we wouldn't have been forced

to counter your
unsubstantiated story with ours.

It's a draw, people.

Let's go home.

It was a kiss goodbye.

I didn't cheat.

I know.

We're the last of
a dying breed, Maya.

You dumped me.
Why am i the one who cheated?

Okay. Hanna and I
didn't have sex.

Let's put that to bed.

Okay, since both clients

violated the infidelity clause,

your client isn't entitled
to $60 million.

Well, fine.

M-maybe I did cheat.

But that doesn't mean
I don't love you.

Maya.

That sounded an awful lot
like an admission of an affair.

-Uh, he said "maybe."
-What were you thinking?

-I can't believe you.
-Carmen?

You want me to find out
who's cheating on who.

Okay, you couldn't
possibly have known

I was gonna ask you that.

I'll take care of it.

Where'd everybody go?

You'll be great.
Don't be nervous.

I'll be fine!

You've walked me
through my testimony

seven times.

Leave me on for the trial.

Did you bring the remaining
four beers from the six-pack?

They're right there
next to you.

Oh.

Your honor, I'd ask
that these beers be marked

-as defense exhibit "C."
-So marked.

How do you know these are
the same beers, ma'am?

I don't drink,

but I always keep a six-pack
in the fridge for Danny.

Oh, so sweet.

Now, I assume the prosecution

will attack your memory
based on...

My age.

You can say it.

I'm 74.

"The Moon is Blue."

William Holden
and David Niven.

Written by F. Hugh Herbert,
directed by Otto Preminger,

in 1953.

Nanette has memorized
every movie

for the past 60 years.

Miss Swatello...

care to challenge her memory?

Your honor?

Uh, "Leprechaun"?

Nice.

Written and directed
by Mark Jones in 1993,

starring Warwick Davis

and...a young Jennifer Aniston.

Yeah.

It's a parlor trick.

It doesn't show her ability

to remember relevant details
in a given moment.

Which is why I brought this!

Your honor,
with the court's permission,

I'd like to blindfold Nanette
to prove her recall.

Granted.

Nanette...

The juror in the back row,
second from the right,

what's she wearing?

Tangerine top,
almost matches her hair.

How about the D.A.,
Miss Swatello?

Gray pants, gray jacket,

even her shoes --
everything is gray.

The mural
behind me -- what is it?

Native Americans
greeting settlers

at the Pacific Ocean.

And what are they holding?

Corn.

Corn.

Excuse me.

-Hi.
- Can I help you?

I've got a house
I want to build.

I hear you're good
at drawing them.

I'd love to help you, but...

A kiss goodbye
while waiting for my car.

Frozen, it looks like
something else.

Yeah.
Frozen -- well...It looks hot.

Maya and I met on the plans

when Rick was out of town.

Seriously, it was nothing.

And was this nothing, too?

Look,
I never slept with Rick.

One time, we almost --

You know, I could
subpoena you to tell us.

And I could sit there
and keep my mouth shut.

Or I could make stuff up about
Maya that you wouldn't like.

Your memory is impressive,

but I'd like to challenge you
one more time.

Do you remember where you were
the night of May 6, 1998?

Objection.

What does that have to do
with the events on August 2nd?

It's the date
Nanette Norton

was convicted of prostitution.

Miss Norton
has never been --

Miss Norton wasn't.

But Nancy Blesoe was.

Or was it Miranda Cain?

You've had several aliases,
haven't you?

Yes.

Oh, my God!

My Nanette's a whore!

But I'm not lying about Danny!

He only drank two beers.

Due respect,

but everything about you
is a lie.

You've been convicted
of credit-card fraud,

kiting checks, and three other
prostitution convictions.

In fact,

I'm starting to think
maybe today's not the first time

you were asked to be
blindfolded.

Was it?

So, Allison was in love
with Rick Paxton,

but not Maya?

Well, that's one
for the home team.

Well, not so fast.

Maya was in love
with Rick Paxton,

but Paxton wasn't in love
with her.

In fact,
they never even had sex.

Well, they almost did
but didn't.

She didn't say why.

Wait --
when Maya confronted Rick

about having the affair
with Allison,

he basically admitted to it,

and now she's saying
that they didn't consummate?

Why would Allison be lying?

Maybe she's not.

Do you think he is?

Paxton
is admitting to an affair

-so he can lose $11 million.
-He's a guy.

Guy's accused of cheating --
his first instinct is to lie.

Rick's first instinct
is to admit it?

Well,
maybe he was being honest

about what really happened
when they were together,

instead of...lying about it.

He's hiding something.

You getting a blip
on the gaydar?

The guy's a notorious
international womanizer.

Hell, he markets himself
that way.

Then...What?

What do men lie about?

-Money.
-Size.

-Everything.
-Girth.

Okay.
A little angry. All right?

You're in the right ballpark.

As Rick Paxton will tell you,

it's not the size
of the balloon,

it's whether you can get it
off the ground.

Spare us the analogies.

He couldn't get an erection.

Okay,
so if he was willing

to pay off the prenup to keep
his private business private,

then how are we gonna get him
to admit to it?

This is why you hire us.

My sweet old lady
turned out to be a hooker.

Who doesn't have one
of those in their lives?

Makes me
want to play a song.

That's unfortunate.

All right.
You name the artist.

Okay. Cold War Kids.

Ah, something between
the Eagles or AC/DC.

But you choose --
just as long as it's...

The Eagles or AC/DC.

That -- no --
I don't think so.

Hey.
I need to talk to you.

No, me first.

Nanette imploded
on the stand today.

So we're stuck with the rising
blood alcohol defense.

Well, maybe the relevant
time isn't when he drank

but whether the alcohol
was in his system

when he got in the golf cart.

Yeah, I like it,
but the jury needs something

they can sink their teeth into,
not an anatomy lesson.

Speaking of anatomy,

I think I can win our case
with Maya

if I can get some alone time
with Rick Paxton.

To talk about what?

Okay, you only get one joke about
this 'cause I got to move on it, all right?

-Promise.
-His flaccid penis.

You can't negotiate with the
opposing party without his lawyer present.

I just want to invite him
to Margarita Monday at the cave.

Where's it say it's against the law to
invite someone to a party?

How about the California
attorney's code of professional conduct?

See, I always thought of
that as more of a guideline.

Seriously, that's it
on "flaccid penis"?

Too easy.

I was really hoping
for something there.

Don't talk to
Rick Paxton! It's too risky!

Which makes
for a bigger reward!

Oh.

Uh, you can't approach me
without my counsel.

We're just riding together.

I haven't said anything.

You know, your architect said
you didn't have sex with her.

You say you did.
One of you is lying.

Well, so much
for just riding together.

Do you want to tell me why,

or should we take this to court?

Well,
you won't be trying it,

because you will be disbarred.

Well, then
I'll take you down with me.

I'm just kidding. But I will
take you down with me.

Oh, so this is
blackmail, too?

Unless you agree to come
to Margarita Monday at my place.

8:00 -- bathing suits optional.

You give me 10 minutes.

You don't like
what I have to say,

all it costs you
is an epic party.

After that, we can go back
to the arbitration,

lawyers get rich,
and you can turn me in.

10 minutes.

Oh. It's your call.

You crossed the line.

We're Franklin and Bash.

We crossed the line
10 exits back.

This is
an ethics violation

that could put us out
on our asses.

I don't understand
how you can be so calm.

Because I know
Paxton will come,

and I know I'm right on this.

Well, you better be, Jared.

And you better be Peter.

He's just stressed
about Danny's trial.

Well, it's not his fault.

He got a loser.

Hey, what'd I do to you
to make you hate me so much?

Because I don't even remember.

Kind of says it all
right there, doesn't it?

Come in!

Hi.

Carmen sent me.

It's not a speakeasy.

Come on in.

Oh.

Oh.

You got five minutes.

Come on in.

♪ First time I saw your face ♪

♪ my heart skipped a beat ♪

♪ something about you, baby ♪

Well...

Look who flew back from London.

I didn't break any laws.

You're so pretty.

It's funny. I...

I feel like I know you.

But, actually, this is the first
time I've seen you face-to-face.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you
the truth.

I guess whatever you did
12 years ago is your business.

12 years ago
is when I was last arrested.

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ baby ♪

♪ baby ♪

Oh.

♪ Your love is killing me ♪

So, is it always like this here?

Ah, sorry.
It's a school night.

You should see it
on the weekends.

Ahh.

Okay. Talk.

I know why you didn't
have sex with Allison Cruze.

What makes you think I didn't?

Because the same thing happened
to me a couple weeks ago

in this very house.

This girl came over --
smoking hot.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Not...Hanna Linden?

Well, she came over,

and it got a little crazy,
and when it was "go" time, I...

couldn't storm the beach.

- Ah.
-It's humiliating.

It's every guy's
worst nightmare, right?

Ahh.

Advantage, Karp. Huh?

Well, it is one thing

for me to go soft --

it's another thing
if it turns out you did.

Stirred Magazine's
"Most virile man alive."

That's not just bad for
your reputation, that's bad --

Excuse me, boys.

That's bad for your business.

I-I don't know
what you're talking about.

Come on. That's why
you wanted arbitration,

instead of a trial.

You'd rather be guilty
of infidelity

and sweep it under the rug

than let the world know
that you might be...

Impotent.

Look...

...I think it was environmental.

-It --
-No, no.

See, we had black mold
in our new house.

I saw online somewhere that --
that there's these -- these...

Side effects.

Okay. Yeah.

Well, mine was
environmental, too.

'Cause, see,
we were all set to go,

and then an ABBA song came on,

-and that was it.

Look, I read almost all
of your autobiography

a couple of times, okay?

You're not a quitter.

Okay, Maya's there.

Go get her.

Another dive!

What is going on?

"Cocoon" drinking game.

Every time one of the retirees
in the movie

takes a dive in the pool,
they take a shot.

Wow.

We going to jail?

I don't think so.

I think I may have gotten
through to Paxton.

Those folks really like
Danny, huh?

They're gonna be lost
without him if we lose this.

Maybe I'll help you win it.

Not for Danny, but for them.

You know what?

You can.

I think you can, buddy.

Ohh, no.

Come on, let's go.
We're late.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

-Hey, got a sec?
-Uh, not really.

-We're late for court. Okay.
-It'll only be a minute.

Be over here...
Not listening.

I want to talk to you

about the rumors going around
about us.

What rumors?

You're telling everyone
that we didn't have sex?

'Cause I got your back.

This is not the
Monday after prom, Jared, okay?

I don't care what people
think ever.

And if they find out the truth

that we had crazy,
headboard-banging sex

and that I had 19 orgasms

that made me see
flying unicorns,

that's fine by me.

Because I'm a big girl,

and I'm responsible
for everything I do,

whether it's in the courtroom
or the bedroom.

Okay.

All right, then.

Uh, I'll see you at arbitration.

Yeah.

What time does the
security camera show my client

driving through the golf course,
which is a private property,

and the only thing he risked
injuring were ducks?

Not to interrupt
Mr. Bash's editorial,

but he also drove
on Marina Boulevard.

This is my time.

And he crossed --
crossed Marina Boulevard

36 feet at 8 miles an hour.

The footage was taken
at 10:41 p.m.

And at what time did you
administer the blood alcohol test?

11:10 p.m.

5 minutes after
he punched me in the face.

And a half hour
after he was driving?

O-objection!

Mr. Bash, would you
care to tell me what you're doing

before I hold you and
your colleague in contempt?

We're arguing
how it takes time

for alcohol to be absorbed
into a person's body.

Mr. Franklin is demonstrating
that to the jury.

Oh, would it have
killed you to chill these?

My God.

Take out your taser, Chuck.

If he takes another sip, hit him
with everything you've got.

May we approach the bench
with Penn and Teller?

Fine.

I'd ask that
officer Preston be allowed

to administer a field sobriety
test to Mr. Franklin.

Your honor, this is --

Respectfully, your honor,
we know you're new to the bench.

I'd hate to see you
overturned on appeal.

-I mean, that's --
-Embarrassing.

Very embarrassing.

Can you check to see
if Mr. Franklin is drunk,

in addition to being insane?

You're on, kid.

You're on.

Officer Preston...

15 minutes ago you gave
Mr. Franklin a sobriety test

that registered a result
of .001.

-Is that the legal limit?
- Yes.

Okay,
could you have Mr. Franklin

blow into this device again?

I'm good.

Could you please blow, sir?

.09.

-That's above the legal limit.
-Yeah, it is.

Does he appear
under the influence?

Yes.

Lightweight.

I love you.

But he wasn't 15 minutes ago.

Isn't it possible that
Danny Dubois was sober

when he drove the golf cart

but legally intoxicated

when he was tested
after the fight?

It's possible
he was under the limit

when he was driving.

It's possible.

No further questions.

You can sit down now.

You can sit down.

Hoo!

You finally figured out
a way to get wasted in court.

So who is it?

Who is who?

Who is the guy who has
to spend eternity with...

with this?

Don't be hostile, Jared.

You get custody of Peter.
You won.

You know,
I've listened to Peter

talk about how beautiful
you are, and I never saw it.

But now...

seeing you standing there,

with beer goggles...

I still don't get it!

I don't get it. I really --

If you want to pretend

you didn't spend your first year
of law school

staring at me in con law,
go ahead.

I was looking
at Professor Hayes.

You were in the front row,

which says everything about you.

Answer your damn phone.

Is that me?

Pizza Hut.

Karp, honey.

Okay, I'll be right there.
All right, uh...

Uh, Rick and Maya Paxton
are on their way to the office.

They say it's urgent.

Think I'm a little too
inebriated to drive back.

On a couple of beers?

I had the other two
after the second sobriety test.

-What?!
-I was celebrating!

I can stop anytime I want to.

Look, I just don't want
to take the risk, okay?

You go in my place.
I'll stay here.

You'll be back in time.

If not, I'll ask
for a continuance.

Right. What could possibly
go wrong with that plan?

There you go.

Bye!

Thanks for
joining us, Mr. Franklin.

Where's Mr. Bash?

Uh, little problem.

He was called away
on emergency,

so if we could get a brief...
Continu-- continuation,

that'd be great.

I'm not gonna
keep this jury waiting.

You're co-counsel.

Are you prepared
for closing argument?

Absolutely.

Then you're on.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I got to admit,

uh, I'm a little buzzed.

Let me tell you something
about...

Danny Dubois?

There it is.

I've known Double D...

since we were in high school,

and back then,
he was the type of guy

who showered
with the cheerleaders,

one of whom was my girlfriend!

Which is relevant how?

I'll tell you how.

See, I was still pissed

when we took on this case,
because I just assumed

Danny was the same dick

who snaked my girl
back in high school.

Then I thought
he was just a loser

when I found out
he was sleeping

on his grandmother's couch
because he lost his job.

Can i object?

I'm afraid not.

But I was wrong.

That sounded like
when Fonzie says he's wrong,

and he can't say it.

Wr-r--

sorry.

Geez, how could he be a loser
if he liked

taking care of his grandmother
and her friends?

And how could he be a dick

if he tried to save
an ex-teammate

from a bar fight?

I wouldn't call that person
a loser or a dick.

I would call that man...

a friend.

Danny was sober when he jumped
in the golf cart,

raced through a golf course,

and across a city street.

Now, is it a bad idea
and against the law

to get behind the wheel
intoxicated?

Yeah.

But getting behind
the wheel sober --

sober? No.

No. No!

It's not!

Period.

-Mr. Franklin?
-Yo.

Are you done?

Uh...

Like a fox, your honor.

Thanks for listenin'.

Thank you, Peter.

Good luck.

Let me in.

No.

When I find out
what the two of you did --

and trust me, I will --

I'm gonna turn
your nut sac into my coin purse.

I know you're saying
all kinds of threatening things,

but I'm just picturing you naked
right now.

What's going on?

What are you doing here?
Where's your organ monkey?

Uh, Jared is running late.

Stanton.

What's happening?

He won't let me see my client.

He won't let us
see our client.

Oh.

Well, will you let me see?

Absolutely.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Mm.

After I couldn't,
you know...

make it work with you,

I panicked.

I thought maybe I was bored
with marriage sex,

and I-I thought
another woman

might do the trick --
but it didn't.

I'm trying to fix everything
by myself.

No Viagra, no therapy --

Because you have
to do everything solo.

Admit no weakness?

Well...

I am now.

And I will tear up that prenup

if you just give me
another chance.

Jump on it.

It's a great deal.

This is a teaching moment...

...For us all.

Teaching moment, indeed.

Look, I am aware
sex has broken out

between some of
the senior partners.

Now, what do you think happens
when there's jealousy

and sexual tension
in the workplace?

Loss of concentration?

And unprofessional conduct.

-Mm.
-Yes!

Actually, I was also thinking...

Healthy competition.

I mean, you cocks,
you strut around the place

trying to impress the hen.

I mean, more inspired work
gets done.

It's fantastic!

And, Peter, why don't you
hook up with somebody here?

I mean, Derek's wife --
she's quite lovely.

Why don't you make a run at her?

I'll --
I'll get right on that, sir.

Oh.

I got to get back to court.

Wow.

-Whoo!
-Very impressive.

I am impressive.

Nad!

I don't know whether to
thank you or say "I'm sorry."

You could say "Jared."

- Jared.
-Yeah. Oh!

I never showered
with your girlfriend.

I showered
with Sara Armstrong.

Peter's girlfriend?

Hey!

You did it!

You're amazing! Ha ha!

Hey, Danny.

I am gonna drink before
every closing from now on,

like Paul Newman
in -- in "The Verdict."

You all right, Hermano?

Four beers in four minutes
is a lot!

Four beers in four minutes,

plus a 12-inch hoagie --
that's a lot.

Ugh.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, don't go!
Don't go! Aah!

Oh, God!

Ohh,
I don't like it, Peter.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==