Franklin & Bash (2011–2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - She Came Upstairs to Kill Me - full transcript
Infeld (Malcolm McDowell) enlists Peter (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) and Jared (Breckin Meyer) to help defend Isabella Kaplowitz (guest star Natalie Zea) against charges that she used sex to kill her elderly billionaire husband. But when their attempt to disqualify the judge for wagering on the case fall flat, Franklin and Bash enlist the late billionaire's best friend (guest star Fred Willard) to prove Isabella's innocence.
You just arrived in heaven.
Standards more lax
than I'd have thought. Good.
Saint Peter tells you
you can return to Earth as a ghost...
...or you can go back...
Hold up. A ghost like Casper,
or Bruce Willis from The Sixth Sense?
- What do you mean?
- Bruce Willis?
Turns out he was a ghost all along?
Thanks for the spoiler alert, dick.
- Never seen Sixth Sense?
- No.
You've seen every
Rob Schneider movie.
- Is Rob Schneider in The Sixth Sense?
- Working on your base?
The sun through these windows
provides optimal tanning...
...while the tint on the glass
refracts UV rays.
He has done a lot of research
on this.
Karp wanted to know if you were
working on any actual cases.
Tell him we're in the middle
of an important discovery motion...
...on People v. Kiss My Ass.
Does the ripped body offend?
I've seen you firmer.
Do I look less firm to you?
Well, you are kind of a mess.
Wanna see
a real live murderer up close?
Is this about
The Sixth Sense again?
Ms. Kaplowitz?
It is you. Peter Bash.
I just wanna say I am blown away...
...at how one-sided the coverage
of your case has been.
I appreciate that.
Yeah, and frankly, I am disgusted
at the paparazzi's refusal...
...to allow you to mourn the loss
of your husband.
Following you on the beach
when you had on that killer thong.
And not " killer" as in,
you know, like:
But just primo.
How thoughtful of you to say.
- Isabella!
- Stanton.
- How are you?
- I've been better.
I know. It's so good to see you.
Shall we begin?
Oh, this is my colleague, Damien Karp.
- Good to see you.
- By "colleague," he means " nephew. "
- Okay.
- I like the boxers.
Shall we begin?
You know, there are 27 senior partners,
including our New York firm.
And in September...
...Stanton's experiment
called "You two"...
...is gonna get put up to a vote.
You're not gonna make it past
the first ballot. So I don't know.
Photocopy your butts.
Steal some pens, whatever.
Why would he think
we didn't photocopy our butts already?
" Black Widow of Bel Air. "
" Horndog Heiress. "
Oh, my favourite:
" Murder by Vagina. "
Stanton, Harry was my life.
You know that.
I would never have done anything
to hurt him, much less kill him.
Good. But I must say...
...you know, for the district attorney
to pursue a murder conviction...
...based on the theory
of intentional over-sexing.
I mean, well,
he must be fairly confident...
...that his evidence will hold up.
Did you really take a bath
before calling 911?
He was fine before I left.
He was smiling...
...and he was falling asleep.
And about 20 minutes later,
I heard a crash.
That's when I rushed in.
He had knocked over a clock.
And he was...
He was struggling to breathe.
That's when I called.
Everybody thinks I'm a killer.
I'm not. I'm a widow who's devastated
by the loss of her husband.
But you knew
he had a heart condition.
He was a very passionate man.
I wasn't going to deny him
what he wanted.
All right. I mean,
you say it's what he wanted...
...and yet your husband
says otherwise.
" Dying billionaire's last words:
'She came upstairs to kill me. "'
I can't explain that.
AII I can say is it's not true.
And so we must prove.
Hey, look at you.
Big-boy clothes.
- We want in.
- No way.
He's asking the guy
who decides things.
- You wanted us on a case.
- We're staffed.
Have you any experience
of defending a murder trial?
No. And we need some, bigtime.
Yeah. And who better to learn from
than the emperor of defence?
No one calls him that.
- I call you that.
- I like it.
I don't see a reason
why we can't have a third chair...
...on a case of this magnitude.
I can think of about 100 reasons,
top of which would be winning.
All right. Listen.
One of you comes on.
The other jumps on a civil matter...
...that my spiritual adviser
is bringing in.
- Work it out.
- All right.
We could be working together.
Christmas came early for you, pal.
We're gonna need to celebrate early
because you won't be here in December.
The fired thing again.
Don't...
So which of us gets the case?
- Carmen, Pindar, choose.
- I can't.
It's like having to choose
between my two gay fathers.
You have two gay fathers?
- Carmen?
- Neither one of you should do it.
She's guilty!
I read in People she took a bubble bath
before she even called 911.
First of all, that's a sexy,
if not twisted, image.
And second, if you met Isabella,
you'd feel differently about her.
Isabella's like Jessica Rabbit.
She's not bad.
She's just drawn that way.
Jessica Rabbit.
Hottest cartoon character ever?
- Prefer Betty Rubble. Yeah.
- Really?
Neither of those hold a candle
to Setsuna Meioh.
Guardian of the Space-Time Door
in the Sailor Moon manga?
- Stop.
- Come on.
- Thanks for clearing that up.
- Let's talk this through.
If you want this case more than me,
you should take it.
- How much do you want it?
- More than anything.
- It's yours.
- God bless you.
- Like I wanna do more work.
- Great.
So you are available to watch the
spelling-bee finals on ESPN 2 with me.
Available? Yes. Interested? No.
- Is it because Indians always win?
- You guys do have kind of a lock on it.
If you could reach out to the client
without revealing your negativity...
...I got some catching up
to do on her case.
Later. Later. Thank you.
- Isabella. How are you holding up?
- Wallace. So sweet of you to come.
- Which is roughly what she said.
- I'm sorry. Who said what?
Sorry. A joke.
Occupational hazard.
- Who's your friend?
- He's Harry's lawyer, and, yes...
- ... he's a dear friend.
- He's also hilarious.
Oh, he's sweet.
Final offer.
Negligent homicide, three years.
I have motive, character witnesses,
a deathbed accusation.
Looking at life in prison,
this is a gift.
That's very kind of you,
but gift rejected.
We're all-in.
- Good luck.
- You too.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...the state intends to prove
that the defendant...
...maliciously killed her husband,
billionaire Harry Kaplowitz...
...not with a gun or a knife,
but with her body.
We contend
that in order to inherit a fortune...
...the defendant engaged
in a daily routine of relentless...
...predatory sexual conduct.
Oral, vaginal and...
...otherwise.
Until she literally copulated
her ailing husband to his very death.
Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.
This pure and simply...
...is a love story.
Of physical love, yes...
...but a love that consumes
not only the body but also the soul.
Isabella Kaplowitz made love
to her husband, Harry...
...the night that he died.
Indeed, they made love every night.
Now, as startling as that may seem
to the rest of us mere mortals...
...to Isabella and Harry,
it was simply a way of life.
Surely, she should be worshipped,
not demonised.
Thank you.
You're sure Infeld was that good?
The guy was sick.
It was like watching
Pavarotti play the violin.
- Don't bother.
- Isabella's case made BetWhatever. net.
- What's that?
- It's an off-shore betting website.
You can bet on anything,
Oscars, elections, death pools.
What's your point?
Odds are 50-to-1
of Isabella getting convicted.
- We can deal.
- They jumped 20 points...
...after Infeld crushed his opening.
I don't know. It's interesting.
- I'm just saying, it's interesting.
- You might be paranoid on this one.
- Maybe a little jealous.
- What?
Me on the big case,
you, not so much.
Dickwad,
I bequeathed you that case.
- That was a gift.
- You only bequeath when you're dead.
Pretty elementary wills
and trusts law.
You got a hunch, check it out.
- Don't do anything crazy.
- I can't.
I'm busy with Infeld's spiritual adviser...
Hey, you two.
You're wide open
to do something not crazy.
After Harry's second bypass,
I doubled his dosage...
...I made it very clear
to both him and Isabella...
...strenuous activity would be deadly.
The autopsy revealed no medication
whatsoever in his system.
The body showed signs of dehydration
as well as severe penile bruising.
We were in the ambulance.
Full cardiac arrest.
I was performing CPR,
and that's when he said it.
- What?
- "She came upstairs and killed me. "
Objection. Hearsay.
The statement falls
under the dying-declaration...
...exception of the hearsay rule.
The speaker was having a heart attack.
No reason he knew what he was saying.
He was calm.
He even smiled when he said it.
Then he just closed his eyes
and died.
Overruled.
The jury may consider the testimony.
Yeah, don't beat yourself up.
I'll fix this.
So you pressed the button,
and then what happened?
Well, I waited for the light to change.
The light changed.
Then I started...
...to walk my bicycle across.
Okay, and what did you see
in the "walk don't walk" box thing?
I saw a walking person.
- Can you describe the person?
- Really?
He was orange, had arms like so:
Stretched like so:
Very round head.
His legs were extended...
- ... which suggested to me walking...
- Excuse me, I'm sorry...
...but I have to go.
My wife's water just broke.
- Wow, congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Rain check?
- Yeah, sure.
Great. Yeah.
- First one?
- Yes. Child. Yeah, it's... Yeah.
- It's my baby girl.
- How wonderful.
Good health to the mother...
- ... and your new child.
- Okay.
So we'll do this again.
I'm sorry for... But, you know, it's...
I was his lawyer, certainly...
...but first and foremost,
we were compadres.
Best friends.
If I had a dime for every punch line
Harry butchered on the golf course...
...I'd be the billionaire.
Did the defendant come to visit you
only days before her husband's death?
She did. Always great to see her.
Regarding?
She wanted to know how much
of Harry's money she could access.
No further questions.
Well, tell me, was it out of the ordinary
for my client...
...to seek your counsel
regarding her financial situation?
We'd...
We discussed it occasionally.
Now, you say you were
a compadre of the deceased.
- Do you consider Isabella a compadre?
- Certainly.
Of course, I was closer to Harry...
In your opinion...
...did Isabella Kaplowitz
murder her husband?
- Not in my opinion. No way.
- Objection. Utter speculation.
Sustained. The jury will disregard.
Just to be clear, Your Honour...
...you're asking the jury
to disregard Mr. Clayton...
...who knew the couple well...
...to disregard his testimony
that my client loved her husband...
...and would never harm him?
Yes, I am, Mr. Bash...
...in spite of your best efforts
to keep saying it again and again.
So I was able to track
the betting patterns on Isabella's case.
You were right.
A big bet was made against Isabella...
...minutes after
Infeld's opening statement.
Which is before
it was broadcast on any news outlet.
They're taking security seriously
in there.
Jury's sequestered, judge issued
gag orders on everybody.
Wait. Someone in the courtroom
is betting on the case?
So we ran checks.
Guess who has 55 grand
in credit-card debt?
Other than Peter.
- Hit me.
- Judge Hong.
Better yet, judgy's single biggest debt
is to AAA Entertainment...
...a Nevada company
that owns numerous sports books.
I think we found our bettor.
No, no, no. Too dangerous.
Excuse me. What did they call me
at Indian Guide camp?
- Runs With Danger.
- Runs With Danger. Right.
I'm just gonna float it out,
real conversation-like.
I'm not talking about jury tampering.
I'm trying to stop someone else.
- Based on a hunch?
- Remember last year?
There was gonna be an earthquake?
You made us leave town
for the weekend.
- There was no earthquake.
- Those blackjack waitresses?
- All because of my hunch.
- Okay. Just float it in, nicely.
- I'm a feather.
- No one can know.
Know about what?
- Your mama.
- Your mother.
- Great.
- Listen, Karp...
...Isabella's gonna take the stand.
Who's gonna direct her?
Sure. I'll direct.
We'll decide using a legally sound
decision-making process.
Law-off.
Whoever shows the greater knowledge
of all matters legal, wins.
- Please.
- You chicken?
You were summa at SC,
notes editor at the law review.
- How'd you know?
- Facebook.
- I didn't friend you.
- You should. You only have 11.
What do you got?
What was Marisa Tomei's
character's name in My Cousin Vinny?
Not a legal question.
- Ruling?
- I'll allow it.
- Who cares what her name was?
- A hint.
It was
an Oscar-winning performance.
Actually, I dated Marisa briefly.
She was incredible,
as, of course, she was in Vinny.
- Character's name, Mona Lisa.
- So he's got, like, magic hearing.
Is anyone coming to watch
my direct of Isabella?
- How can he not know Marisa Tomei?
- He's that guy.
" My biological clock is ticking like... "
It's like right up there.
That and Schindler's List.
Isabella, you went
to check on your finances...
...only days before Harry died.
Would you please tell the court why?
Well, his 60th birthday was coming up,
and I had this crazy...
This extravagant idea about getting him
a horse ranch as a surprise.
- Harry loved to ride.
- Well, very nice surprise.
And yet this was never mentioned
in the meeting with Harry's lawyer.
Wallace is such a chatterbox.
I didn't want him to ruin the surprise.
I understand.
Look, I don't want to be indelicate...
...but I have to ask you
about all this sex and lovemaking.
The doctor did warn you both,
didn't he, about strenuous activity?
Well, we took precautions.
We paced ourselves.
Harry even had a safe word
for when he felt winded.
Oh, really? And what was that?
Cantaloupe. He was allergic.
Pity. Such a delicious fruit.
Such precautions...
...and yet Harry
wasn't taking his heart medication.
That I didn't know.
Isabella, did you go upstairs
that evening and kill your husband...
...as Harry supposedly stated
to the paramedic?
Of course not.
I loved Harry.
And I'm lost without him.
- Thank you.
- Cross-examination after lunch.
Excuse me. Your Honour?
Jared Franklin, from the animal-shelter
Peeping Tom trial.
Your client
was a seriously disturbed man.
Oh, believe me, I still have nightmares.
Can I have a minute?
- This is awkward.
- So far.
My colleagues are representing
Isabella Kaplowitz.
- I can't discuss that case.
- An overzealous clerk at our firm...
...stumbled upon a debt
incurred by a certain judge...
...at a certain establishment
in Las Vegas.
No judgement. I bet my freshman tuition
against the Lakers' three-peat.
And I'm in no way
accusing you of betting on this trial...
...but if you were to,
let's say, recuse yourself...
- ... and I'm just thinking of you...
- Listen to me, you weasel.
- You think...
- We're just talking.
There's nothing unethical about playing
in the World Series of Poker.
If I choose to put my buy-in on Visa,
that is my business...
...and has no impact on this trial.
Exactly. Exactly, Your Honour.
That's what I said.
All right, then. Are we good?
This feels good.
We're good.
Your testimony paints a picture
of an idyllic, loving marriage.
That's what it was.
- Did you ever fight with your husband?
- Rarely.
- What about on the night he died?
- No.
Can you describe
your last hours together?
We had a quiet dinner
and then we went upstairs.
To the bedroom.
Then what happened?
- We made love.
- Can you be more specific?
Objection. If Mr. Stein wishes
to live out his fantasies...
- ... there are more private ways.
- Sustained.
No arguments,
angry words exchanged?
No. Not at all.
No further questions.
The prosecution calls to the stand
as a rebuttal witness, Delmi Santiago...
...the Kaplowitzes' housekeeper.
Ms. Santiago,
were you in the Kaplowitz home...
...on the night of
Harry Kaplowitz's passing?
Yes. Missus gave me the night off,
but I come back for my phone.
What did you hear
when you returned?
- Fighting.
- Could you make out any of the words?
Mister was yelling, " No! No more!
I don't want that! Go away!
I said no! You leave!
You go away!
Enough is enough!
No. "
Anything else?
- No.
- Thank you.
So you did fornicate this poor man
into an early grave?
No, no, he wasn't saying
" no more" about sex.
- Then what?
- His medicine.
He didn't wanna take his medicine.
- I was just thinking...
- Yeah?
I've got this song stuck in my head:
Something about
driving down a road.
- Oh, it'll come to me.
- Isabella.
You knew he wasn't taking
his medicine.
No, I pleaded with him
and he refused.
He said it dulled his sensations.
We need to put her back
on the stand.
Admit she knew he was off his meds
and still rode him wild?
Better than the jury thinking Harry was
screaming to stop riding him.
They're not gonna believe her.
- She already lied once.
- Cantaloupe.
That's what Harry would've been
shouting if he wanted to stop.
Thank you for believing me.
I believe in you too.
But this is a setback.
There's no question about that.
The jury are going to see you
as a liar.
It's up to us to make sure they don't see
you as a liar and a murderer.
You know the one...
I'm gonna go make notes.
Be right back.
I will not be able to do
anything in court...
...with this thing buzzing in my head.
I had caught him several times
not taking his pills.
Usually, he would listen to me,
but this time he refused.
He said it made him feel less alive.
You didn't mention that
in your earlier testimony.
And no doubt
the prosecution will call it a lie.
Am I wrong?
Trust me. He will.
Now, why did you
withhold the information?
Well, when the police asked me...
...I panicked about
not knowing about the meds.
And then I just stuck to my story
from there on out.
So you did have sex
with your husband...
...knowing that he wasn't medicated?
It's what he wanted. It's...
It's what we both wanted.
If we were alone and together...
- You were making love.
- Yes.
Okay.
Now, I'm confused.
You earlier testified
that you had no idea...
...that your husband had stopped
taking his medication.
So were you lying under oath then
or now?
Then.
Honestly, Ms. Kaplowitz, why should
the jury believe anything you say?
Peter, they accidentally triple-tripled
my double-double.
It's like seeing a double rainbow.
Can we focus on rebounding
from the bitch-slap...
...that Isabella just took
in court today?
Speaking of bitch-slap,
Judge Hong is clean.
Great. How bad was it?
Humiliating and somehow exciting.
- Who does that leave us with then?
- Okay, guys, so I just sent you links...
...to every website every juror's visited
in the past six months.
I got a friend at Homeland Security.
Great work.
Remind us to give you guys a bonus.
- An elephant ride in Thailand?
- I was thinking a hundred bucks.
I was thinking 50 each.
No, no, no. I was on Juror Number 5's
Internet profile...
...and it links to her wedding registry.
It's pretty impressive.
All these items
are for a honeymoon trip to Thailand.
Meals, massages, elephant rides.
Don't eat that, please.
Juror Number 5. She's a teacher.
Her fianc?'s a teacher.
She lives in an apartment.
How can she afford
a sick trip like that?
Wow, looks like somebody upgraded
their honeymoon, bigtime.
How does our bridezilla
communicate with the outside?
An intermediary.
- Security guard, room service.
- They gotta eat in.
Field trip?
Yeah, we'll be there in 15 minutes.
Okay. All right.
You can't be down here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm lost.
I'm looking for the VIP elevator.
- I have an appointment.
- And you are?
A chiropractor.
- A chiro... Where's your table?
- Oh, I have my own technique.
Okay.
- Okay.
- This way.
Remember, think "starvation diet. "
She needs to get into her wedding dress.
Yep.
- Oh, definitely not our bride.
- No. That would be Juror Number 3.
Bastard.
- Got it.
- Or do you?
- One of these has to be Annabelle's.
- Or Juror Number 12.
Prada belt, 30-inch waist, highlights.
This one has croutons.
She can't risk the carbs.
- Nicely done.
- Thank you.
Oh, I think it's obviously
a very pristine kitchen.
- I'd say a " B."
- " B"?
- Oh. What is that?
- What's that?
Possible infestation.
- Yep. I'll bring this to the lab.
- Good.
- This is where I check out.
- Miss you already.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
...you've seen and heard
the evidence against my client.
But remember,
what the eyes sometimes see...
...the heart always feels.
- That's beautiful.
- Oh, Debbie. Yeah, thank you.
Closing argument, you know,
it's the only opportunity for a lawyer...
...to reach directly
into the soul of a juror.
I meant the karate outfit.
Actually, it's called a gi.
- Well, Isabella's here.
- Oh, please. Isabella.
Hello.
I'm sorry about the short notice.
I just didn't want there to be
any more surprises.
Oh, dear. That makes me think
there are going to be surprises.
Harry and I argued about more than
just his medication that night.
- What?
- No, who.
Harry was jealous of my friendship
with Wallace Clayton.
It was strictly platonic,
but he felt threatened by it.
Wallace, that irritating jokester?
Let's get this perfectly clear.
So you weren't arguing
about the medication.
No, we were. But...
...Harry was agitated
because of Wallace.
Oh, I wanted to dispel
any kind of notions...
...that I had any romantic feelings
towards him.
So when we had sex...
...I kicked my efforts into high gear.
And it was a gear
I didn't know I had.
And now he's gone.
And it's because of me.
That's a hell of a way to go.
- I feel better now.
- Good.
Excuse me.
- What the hell?
- Surprise inspection.
What do we have here?
All right! Let go!
You are looking at a felony charge
for obstruction of justice, Mr. Clean.
Look, I'm just the middleman.
- Where does this go next?
- I fax it...
...to a guy who runs the book
at an off-strip place in Vegas.
- I'll give you the number.
- We don't care about that guy.
We care about your friend upstairs.
You want us to forget we met you?
You deliver one more message.
Tell her to be in the lobby in 10.
- She can't leave her room.
- Oh, we'll take care of that.
There's gonna be a fire drill.
- You're gonna pull a fire alarm?
- No. You are.
It should be all right.
Just pick me up out front.
You're gonna have to tell me how
you know about the hooker elevator.
I know baseball too. Doesn't make me
centre fielder for the Dodgers.
Oh, there she is. You're on.
Go, go, go.
Hey. Come with me.
- Who are you?
- Don't worry about that.
You're looking at conjugal visits
on your honeymoon.
- This wasn't my idea.
- Whose was it?
My maid of honour's brother.
I was messaged saying
they'd pay me 50 grand...
...to give updates on the jury.
Okay. So his idea,
but you went through with it.
Look, look, look.
Please don't turn me in.
I just wanted a better honeymoon.
I mean, it might be my last shot
to see the world.
Oh, right. At the expense of sending
an innocent woman to prison?
No, I was just giving a head count
of how I thought they were gonna vote.
I mean, I wasn't betting
on the outcome.
I am just doing my civic duty here,
okay?
I bet you just throw the jury summons
in the trash.
I can't serve on a jury,
me being a convicted felon and all.
Which is something you and I
are gonna have in common...
...once we tell the judge.
No.
What's going on
with the deliberation?
Going in, we all figured she was guilty,
but now a few of us aren't sure.
Like me.
We got the juror dead to rights.
How in the world did you guys
uncover this?
Don't ask, don't tell.
We tell the judge,
it's a slam-dunk mistrial.
And then a slam-dunk retrial.
You know, this corruption and
our knowledge of it, if it's ever exposed...
...I mean, it could be disastrous
both for Isabella and for our firm.
Wow, I'm sorry. Someone actually
said something sane.
We could keep the trial going,
but get rid of the juror.
There is a way to get rid of the bride
without a mistrial.
We'd be making an acquittal
even less likely.
No, better to win the honest way,
even if it proves to be the hard way.
Except one thing. We're losing.
Oh, no. Not this guy.
Morning joe with the dream team.
- Isabella, could I have a word?
- If I may.
A prosecution witness conversing
with a defendant...
...is inadvisable for both sides.
I was merely gonna tell Isabella...
...that had no objection been raised,
I would have said...
...I don't believe she was responsible
for this tragedy.
Thank you, Wallace.
Oh, dear. These gloomy faces. Here's
a zinger that might cheer you up.
This old deaf guy gets fitted
for a hearing aid, works like a charm.
A month later, he comes back
to the doctor's office.
The doctor says, "Your family must be
pleased that you can hear again. "
The guy says,
" I haven't told them yet.
I sit around all day listening.
I've changed my will
three times already. "
Changed his will three times already.
OldGuysCrackingWise. com.
- Laugh riot.
- My grandpa used to tell a joke...
...about a blind guy
who gets glasses...
It's cataract surgery.
I know that one.
Oh, my grandpa told it with glasses.
Well, he told it wrong.
So see you in court.
- I like him.
- Yeah. He's all right.
You know,
Wallace is Isabella's oldest friend.
He does seem rather sweet on her,
doesn't he?
- How sweet was Wallace on you?
- Well...
We did have a bit of an awkward
exchange after the funeral...
...when he was trying to be
a bit too comforting.
You didn't mention
that during his testimony.
- I didn't find it to be relevant.
- Perhaps it's not, but tell us anyway.
Well, I just played it off
like one of his gags.
And I think he...
I think he was upset...
...but he got the message
and then that was it.
Unless that wasn't it.
No mistrial. Tell the judge...
...we need to question
one more witness.
Thank you for allowing us
to question you again.
Hey, I got enough time
to make my own coal.
Did you get that, darling?
- I got enough time...
- Everyone heard you, Mr. Clayton.
That wasn't the issue.
Heckled from the bench.
You testified that you consider Isabella
to be a compadre.
But that's a bit of an understatement,
don't you think?
- Meaning?
- Meaning you'd like to tap that booty.
How dare you?
- What does that mean, exactly?
- Objection.
- Mr. Bash.
- Booty withdrawn.
But do you deny having the hots
for my client?
- She is a lovely woman.
- Yes.
A woman you've resented
for not giving you...
...what she gave
your deceased best friend.
- Objection.
- Withdrawn.
You told us that you and Harry
were big yucksters.
You ever read
OldGuysCrackingWise. com?
- You know that I do.
- Yeah, me too. I'm a big fan.
But you know what,
I got a zinger for you.
- I got a zinger. Man is told...
- Objection.
A little leeway, please.
Thank you.
A man is told by his doctor
that any more sex would kill him.
So he abstains. He sleeps
downstairs in his guest room.
And then late one night, the guy runs
into his wife on the stairwell.
And he says to her,
" I was coming upstairs to die... "
- No, no. No, that's not it.
- Hey, hold on. I got it.
He says,
" I was coming up to die and... "
I'll tell it.
The man says, " I was coming upstairs
to commit suicide. "
So the wife says,
"What a coincidence.
I was coming downstairs to kill you. "
That joke ran on
your favourite website...
...three days before
your best friend died.
Did Harry know this joke?
And, again, you are under oath.
He did.
Three nights later, when Harry "The
Butcher of AII Punch Lines" Kaplowitz...
...said to the paramedic that his wife
was coming upstairs to kill him...
...was he not, in your opinion,
simply trying to tell a joke?
He was.
But you've kept it to yourself...
...cruelly punishing Isabella Kaplowitz
for rebuffing your advances.
Have you not, sir?
No further questions.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Well, as I said before,
this is a love story.
Now, as it turns out,
it's a love triangle.
You see, what had been spun
as a dying accusation was, in fact...
...the ultimate profession of love,
uttered by Harry, so we're told...
...with a smile on his face.
The final tip of the hat
to the woman...
...that loved him so indescribably...
...and who ultimately granted him
that wish to live...
...and, if need be, to die
on his own terms.
- Not bad.
- Team effort.
Still have a rogue juror.
We wanna win fair.
- Patience.
- ... showed me more positions...
...than I ever remember
in the Kama Sutra.
Now, is Isabella's loyalty to Harry...
...not the purest expression of love
that we could ever imagine?
And how could we,
in all good conscience...
...send this woman to prison
for loving her husband so?
Surely, ladies and gentlemen...
...we cannot.
Thank you.
Wait. I think that I put
the wrong date on the invitations.
And I forgot chicken on the menu.
And if I don't get to a treadmill...
- ... my wedding dress is...
- Bailiffs!
I told you not to pick me for this!
What are you looking at, dickhead?!
What are you looking at?
Turn around!
I have things to do today.
I can't do this today.
- I'm not ready.
- Calm down.
I haven't even put a deposit down
on the reception hall.
She really commits, doesn't she?
- Hey, how's the baby?
- What baby?
Oh, he's great. He's great.
Thank you.
- I thought it was a girl.
- She's great too. Twins.
- Did you get my gift baskets?
- Yeah, thank you for the gift.
Don't thank me. I never sent them.
- Then who did?
- I didn't send a gift...
...because you didn't have a baby.
- Yes, he did.
- Right. Yeah.
I'll show you a picture, but I got to
warn you, they're fresh out the oven.
Oh, yeah, there's a lot of slime
involved.
- Do you wanna...?
- Sure, I'd love to.
You do? Yeah.
- How far you wanna go with this?
- I'm done.
I didn't have a baby.
- How'd you know?
- I'm a holy man.
- Well, I...
- Like a psychic?
Like I checked it out with Infeld.
I'm sorry. I was in a hurry
and I made up a little white lie.
I apologise.
- Forgiven?
- No.
Really? You're a spiritual adviser.
It seems wrong.
I like lawyers who are honest.
I'll do the case for free.
- That's fair. Okay.
- Okay.
- Hey. Verdict was reached.
- Okay, we gotta run.
Whatever you say.
Yeah, later. Oh, by the way, Sparky...
...you have one more shot with Janie.
How did he know about Janie?
- Have you reached a verdict?
- We have, Your Honour.
In the matter of
California v. Isabella Kaplowitz...
...we, the jury, find the defendant
not guilty.
Yeah!
Indeed.
I need one of those.
It makes me really happy.
So, Hilary, yes, call Raul.
Tell him dinner at 8.
And tell him to open
a '91 bottle of that Redhawk...
...that he's been going on about.
Thank you.
Somebody's celebrating tonight.
- You're all joining me.
- You always roll this big?
This is a little rich for us.
The '91 Hawk,
that's a $5000 bottle of wine.
Admittedly it's a tad higher-end
than usual...
...but the bill wasn't so hard
to swallow...
...in light of the Vegas jackpot
that I just hit.
You did not.
Well, when the odds were 50-to-1
against me, how could I resist?
I mean, there's nothing unethical...
...about betting on oneself, as far as
I know. So cocktails 7:30 tonight.
Bring a lady if you must.
But don't get pissy
when they want to come home with me.
He's not kidding.
We should have gotten
on that action.
We did.
I parlayed the Cabo vacation fund.
- You the man!
- Yeah, I'm the man.
Wait a minute.
You were betting against us winning.
Well, it was like 50-to-1 odds.
It's a sure thing.
No, no, no. How much? How much?
You all right? No, no. Wait, wait.
Wait, listen.
You're getting it all wrong.
Standards more lax
than I'd have thought. Good.
Saint Peter tells you
you can return to Earth as a ghost...
...or you can go back...
Hold up. A ghost like Casper,
or Bruce Willis from The Sixth Sense?
- What do you mean?
- Bruce Willis?
Turns out he was a ghost all along?
Thanks for the spoiler alert, dick.
- Never seen Sixth Sense?
- No.
You've seen every
Rob Schneider movie.
- Is Rob Schneider in The Sixth Sense?
- Working on your base?
The sun through these windows
provides optimal tanning...
...while the tint on the glass
refracts UV rays.
He has done a lot of research
on this.
Karp wanted to know if you were
working on any actual cases.
Tell him we're in the middle
of an important discovery motion...
...on People v. Kiss My Ass.
Does the ripped body offend?
I've seen you firmer.
Do I look less firm to you?
Well, you are kind of a mess.
Wanna see
a real live murderer up close?
Is this about
The Sixth Sense again?
Ms. Kaplowitz?
It is you. Peter Bash.
I just wanna say I am blown away...
...at how one-sided the coverage
of your case has been.
I appreciate that.
Yeah, and frankly, I am disgusted
at the paparazzi's refusal...
...to allow you to mourn the loss
of your husband.
Following you on the beach
when you had on that killer thong.
And not " killer" as in,
you know, like:
But just primo.
How thoughtful of you to say.
- Isabella!
- Stanton.
- How are you?
- I've been better.
I know. It's so good to see you.
Shall we begin?
Oh, this is my colleague, Damien Karp.
- Good to see you.
- By "colleague," he means " nephew. "
- Okay.
- I like the boxers.
Shall we begin?
You know, there are 27 senior partners,
including our New York firm.
And in September...
...Stanton's experiment
called "You two"...
...is gonna get put up to a vote.
You're not gonna make it past
the first ballot. So I don't know.
Photocopy your butts.
Steal some pens, whatever.
Why would he think
we didn't photocopy our butts already?
" Black Widow of Bel Air. "
" Horndog Heiress. "
Oh, my favourite:
" Murder by Vagina. "
Stanton, Harry was my life.
You know that.
I would never have done anything
to hurt him, much less kill him.
Good. But I must say...
...you know, for the district attorney
to pursue a murder conviction...
...based on the theory
of intentional over-sexing.
I mean, well,
he must be fairly confident...
...that his evidence will hold up.
Did you really take a bath
before calling 911?
He was fine before I left.
He was smiling...
...and he was falling asleep.
And about 20 minutes later,
I heard a crash.
That's when I rushed in.
He had knocked over a clock.
And he was...
He was struggling to breathe.
That's when I called.
Everybody thinks I'm a killer.
I'm not. I'm a widow who's devastated
by the loss of her husband.
But you knew
he had a heart condition.
He was a very passionate man.
I wasn't going to deny him
what he wanted.
All right. I mean,
you say it's what he wanted...
...and yet your husband
says otherwise.
" Dying billionaire's last words:
'She came upstairs to kill me. "'
I can't explain that.
AII I can say is it's not true.
And so we must prove.
Hey, look at you.
Big-boy clothes.
- We want in.
- No way.
He's asking the guy
who decides things.
- You wanted us on a case.
- We're staffed.
Have you any experience
of defending a murder trial?
No. And we need some, bigtime.
Yeah. And who better to learn from
than the emperor of defence?
No one calls him that.
- I call you that.
- I like it.
I don't see a reason
why we can't have a third chair...
...on a case of this magnitude.
I can think of about 100 reasons,
top of which would be winning.
All right. Listen.
One of you comes on.
The other jumps on a civil matter...
...that my spiritual adviser
is bringing in.
- Work it out.
- All right.
We could be working together.
Christmas came early for you, pal.
We're gonna need to celebrate early
because you won't be here in December.
The fired thing again.
Don't...
So which of us gets the case?
- Carmen, Pindar, choose.
- I can't.
It's like having to choose
between my two gay fathers.
You have two gay fathers?
- Carmen?
- Neither one of you should do it.
She's guilty!
I read in People she took a bubble bath
before she even called 911.
First of all, that's a sexy,
if not twisted, image.
And second, if you met Isabella,
you'd feel differently about her.
Isabella's like Jessica Rabbit.
She's not bad.
She's just drawn that way.
Jessica Rabbit.
Hottest cartoon character ever?
- Prefer Betty Rubble. Yeah.
- Really?
Neither of those hold a candle
to Setsuna Meioh.
Guardian of the Space-Time Door
in the Sailor Moon manga?
- Stop.
- Come on.
- Thanks for clearing that up.
- Let's talk this through.
If you want this case more than me,
you should take it.
- How much do you want it?
- More than anything.
- It's yours.
- God bless you.
- Like I wanna do more work.
- Great.
So you are available to watch the
spelling-bee finals on ESPN 2 with me.
Available? Yes. Interested? No.
- Is it because Indians always win?
- You guys do have kind of a lock on it.
If you could reach out to the client
without revealing your negativity...
...I got some catching up
to do on her case.
Later. Later. Thank you.
- Isabella. How are you holding up?
- Wallace. So sweet of you to come.
- Which is roughly what she said.
- I'm sorry. Who said what?
Sorry. A joke.
Occupational hazard.
- Who's your friend?
- He's Harry's lawyer, and, yes...
- ... he's a dear friend.
- He's also hilarious.
Oh, he's sweet.
Final offer.
Negligent homicide, three years.
I have motive, character witnesses,
a deathbed accusation.
Looking at life in prison,
this is a gift.
That's very kind of you,
but gift rejected.
We're all-in.
- Good luck.
- You too.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...the state intends to prove
that the defendant...
...maliciously killed her husband,
billionaire Harry Kaplowitz...
...not with a gun or a knife,
but with her body.
We contend
that in order to inherit a fortune...
...the defendant engaged
in a daily routine of relentless...
...predatory sexual conduct.
Oral, vaginal and...
...otherwise.
Until she literally copulated
her ailing husband to his very death.
Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.
This pure and simply...
...is a love story.
Of physical love, yes...
...but a love that consumes
not only the body but also the soul.
Isabella Kaplowitz made love
to her husband, Harry...
...the night that he died.
Indeed, they made love every night.
Now, as startling as that may seem
to the rest of us mere mortals...
...to Isabella and Harry,
it was simply a way of life.
Surely, she should be worshipped,
not demonised.
Thank you.
You're sure Infeld was that good?
The guy was sick.
It was like watching
Pavarotti play the violin.
- Don't bother.
- Isabella's case made BetWhatever. net.
- What's that?
- It's an off-shore betting website.
You can bet on anything,
Oscars, elections, death pools.
What's your point?
Odds are 50-to-1
of Isabella getting convicted.
- We can deal.
- They jumped 20 points...
...after Infeld crushed his opening.
I don't know. It's interesting.
- I'm just saying, it's interesting.
- You might be paranoid on this one.
- Maybe a little jealous.
- What?
Me on the big case,
you, not so much.
Dickwad,
I bequeathed you that case.
- That was a gift.
- You only bequeath when you're dead.
Pretty elementary wills
and trusts law.
You got a hunch, check it out.
- Don't do anything crazy.
- I can't.
I'm busy with Infeld's spiritual adviser...
Hey, you two.
You're wide open
to do something not crazy.
After Harry's second bypass,
I doubled his dosage...
...I made it very clear
to both him and Isabella...
...strenuous activity would be deadly.
The autopsy revealed no medication
whatsoever in his system.
The body showed signs of dehydration
as well as severe penile bruising.
We were in the ambulance.
Full cardiac arrest.
I was performing CPR,
and that's when he said it.
- What?
- "She came upstairs and killed me. "
Objection. Hearsay.
The statement falls
under the dying-declaration...
...exception of the hearsay rule.
The speaker was having a heart attack.
No reason he knew what he was saying.
He was calm.
He even smiled when he said it.
Then he just closed his eyes
and died.
Overruled.
The jury may consider the testimony.
Yeah, don't beat yourself up.
I'll fix this.
So you pressed the button,
and then what happened?
Well, I waited for the light to change.
The light changed.
Then I started...
...to walk my bicycle across.
Okay, and what did you see
in the "walk don't walk" box thing?
I saw a walking person.
- Can you describe the person?
- Really?
He was orange, had arms like so:
Stretched like so:
Very round head.
His legs were extended...
- ... which suggested to me walking...
- Excuse me, I'm sorry...
...but I have to go.
My wife's water just broke.
- Wow, congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Rain check?
- Yeah, sure.
Great. Yeah.
- First one?
- Yes. Child. Yeah, it's... Yeah.
- It's my baby girl.
- How wonderful.
Good health to the mother...
- ... and your new child.
- Okay.
So we'll do this again.
I'm sorry for... But, you know, it's...
I was his lawyer, certainly...
...but first and foremost,
we were compadres.
Best friends.
If I had a dime for every punch line
Harry butchered on the golf course...
...I'd be the billionaire.
Did the defendant come to visit you
only days before her husband's death?
She did. Always great to see her.
Regarding?
She wanted to know how much
of Harry's money she could access.
No further questions.
Well, tell me, was it out of the ordinary
for my client...
...to seek your counsel
regarding her financial situation?
We'd...
We discussed it occasionally.
Now, you say you were
a compadre of the deceased.
- Do you consider Isabella a compadre?
- Certainly.
Of course, I was closer to Harry...
In your opinion...
...did Isabella Kaplowitz
murder her husband?
- Not in my opinion. No way.
- Objection. Utter speculation.
Sustained. The jury will disregard.
Just to be clear, Your Honour...
...you're asking the jury
to disregard Mr. Clayton...
...who knew the couple well...
...to disregard his testimony
that my client loved her husband...
...and would never harm him?
Yes, I am, Mr. Bash...
...in spite of your best efforts
to keep saying it again and again.
So I was able to track
the betting patterns on Isabella's case.
You were right.
A big bet was made against Isabella...
...minutes after
Infeld's opening statement.
Which is before
it was broadcast on any news outlet.
They're taking security seriously
in there.
Jury's sequestered, judge issued
gag orders on everybody.
Wait. Someone in the courtroom
is betting on the case?
So we ran checks.
Guess who has 55 grand
in credit-card debt?
Other than Peter.
- Hit me.
- Judge Hong.
Better yet, judgy's single biggest debt
is to AAA Entertainment...
...a Nevada company
that owns numerous sports books.
I think we found our bettor.
No, no, no. Too dangerous.
Excuse me. What did they call me
at Indian Guide camp?
- Runs With Danger.
- Runs With Danger. Right.
I'm just gonna float it out,
real conversation-like.
I'm not talking about jury tampering.
I'm trying to stop someone else.
- Based on a hunch?
- Remember last year?
There was gonna be an earthquake?
You made us leave town
for the weekend.
- There was no earthquake.
- Those blackjack waitresses?
- All because of my hunch.
- Okay. Just float it in, nicely.
- I'm a feather.
- No one can know.
Know about what?
- Your mama.
- Your mother.
- Great.
- Listen, Karp...
...Isabella's gonna take the stand.
Who's gonna direct her?
Sure. I'll direct.
We'll decide using a legally sound
decision-making process.
Law-off.
Whoever shows the greater knowledge
of all matters legal, wins.
- Please.
- You chicken?
You were summa at SC,
notes editor at the law review.
- How'd you know?
- Facebook.
- I didn't friend you.
- You should. You only have 11.
What do you got?
What was Marisa Tomei's
character's name in My Cousin Vinny?
Not a legal question.
- Ruling?
- I'll allow it.
- Who cares what her name was?
- A hint.
It was
an Oscar-winning performance.
Actually, I dated Marisa briefly.
She was incredible,
as, of course, she was in Vinny.
- Character's name, Mona Lisa.
- So he's got, like, magic hearing.
Is anyone coming to watch
my direct of Isabella?
- How can he not know Marisa Tomei?
- He's that guy.
" My biological clock is ticking like... "
It's like right up there.
That and Schindler's List.
Isabella, you went
to check on your finances...
...only days before Harry died.
Would you please tell the court why?
Well, his 60th birthday was coming up,
and I had this crazy...
This extravagant idea about getting him
a horse ranch as a surprise.
- Harry loved to ride.
- Well, very nice surprise.
And yet this was never mentioned
in the meeting with Harry's lawyer.
Wallace is such a chatterbox.
I didn't want him to ruin the surprise.
I understand.
Look, I don't want to be indelicate...
...but I have to ask you
about all this sex and lovemaking.
The doctor did warn you both,
didn't he, about strenuous activity?
Well, we took precautions.
We paced ourselves.
Harry even had a safe word
for when he felt winded.
Oh, really? And what was that?
Cantaloupe. He was allergic.
Pity. Such a delicious fruit.
Such precautions...
...and yet Harry
wasn't taking his heart medication.
That I didn't know.
Isabella, did you go upstairs
that evening and kill your husband...
...as Harry supposedly stated
to the paramedic?
Of course not.
I loved Harry.
And I'm lost without him.
- Thank you.
- Cross-examination after lunch.
Excuse me. Your Honour?
Jared Franklin, from the animal-shelter
Peeping Tom trial.
Your client
was a seriously disturbed man.
Oh, believe me, I still have nightmares.
Can I have a minute?
- This is awkward.
- So far.
My colleagues are representing
Isabella Kaplowitz.
- I can't discuss that case.
- An overzealous clerk at our firm...
...stumbled upon a debt
incurred by a certain judge...
...at a certain establishment
in Las Vegas.
No judgement. I bet my freshman tuition
against the Lakers' three-peat.
And I'm in no way
accusing you of betting on this trial...
...but if you were to,
let's say, recuse yourself...
- ... and I'm just thinking of you...
- Listen to me, you weasel.
- You think...
- We're just talking.
There's nothing unethical about playing
in the World Series of Poker.
If I choose to put my buy-in on Visa,
that is my business...
...and has no impact on this trial.
Exactly. Exactly, Your Honour.
That's what I said.
All right, then. Are we good?
This feels good.
We're good.
Your testimony paints a picture
of an idyllic, loving marriage.
That's what it was.
- Did you ever fight with your husband?
- Rarely.
- What about on the night he died?
- No.
Can you describe
your last hours together?
We had a quiet dinner
and then we went upstairs.
To the bedroom.
Then what happened?
- We made love.
- Can you be more specific?
Objection. If Mr. Stein wishes
to live out his fantasies...
- ... there are more private ways.
- Sustained.
No arguments,
angry words exchanged?
No. Not at all.
No further questions.
The prosecution calls to the stand
as a rebuttal witness, Delmi Santiago...
...the Kaplowitzes' housekeeper.
Ms. Santiago,
were you in the Kaplowitz home...
...on the night of
Harry Kaplowitz's passing?
Yes. Missus gave me the night off,
but I come back for my phone.
What did you hear
when you returned?
- Fighting.
- Could you make out any of the words?
Mister was yelling, " No! No more!
I don't want that! Go away!
I said no! You leave!
You go away!
Enough is enough!
No. "
Anything else?
- No.
- Thank you.
So you did fornicate this poor man
into an early grave?
No, no, he wasn't saying
" no more" about sex.
- Then what?
- His medicine.
He didn't wanna take his medicine.
- I was just thinking...
- Yeah?
I've got this song stuck in my head:
Something about
driving down a road.
- Oh, it'll come to me.
- Isabella.
You knew he wasn't taking
his medicine.
No, I pleaded with him
and he refused.
He said it dulled his sensations.
We need to put her back
on the stand.
Admit she knew he was off his meds
and still rode him wild?
Better than the jury thinking Harry was
screaming to stop riding him.
They're not gonna believe her.
- She already lied once.
- Cantaloupe.
That's what Harry would've been
shouting if he wanted to stop.
Thank you for believing me.
I believe in you too.
But this is a setback.
There's no question about that.
The jury are going to see you
as a liar.
It's up to us to make sure they don't see
you as a liar and a murderer.
You know the one...
I'm gonna go make notes.
Be right back.
I will not be able to do
anything in court...
...with this thing buzzing in my head.
I had caught him several times
not taking his pills.
Usually, he would listen to me,
but this time he refused.
He said it made him feel less alive.
You didn't mention that
in your earlier testimony.
And no doubt
the prosecution will call it a lie.
Am I wrong?
Trust me. He will.
Now, why did you
withhold the information?
Well, when the police asked me...
...I panicked about
not knowing about the meds.
And then I just stuck to my story
from there on out.
So you did have sex
with your husband...
...knowing that he wasn't medicated?
It's what he wanted. It's...
It's what we both wanted.
If we were alone and together...
- You were making love.
- Yes.
Okay.
Now, I'm confused.
You earlier testified
that you had no idea...
...that your husband had stopped
taking his medication.
So were you lying under oath then
or now?
Then.
Honestly, Ms. Kaplowitz, why should
the jury believe anything you say?
Peter, they accidentally triple-tripled
my double-double.
It's like seeing a double rainbow.
Can we focus on rebounding
from the bitch-slap...
...that Isabella just took
in court today?
Speaking of bitch-slap,
Judge Hong is clean.
Great. How bad was it?
Humiliating and somehow exciting.
- Who does that leave us with then?
- Okay, guys, so I just sent you links...
...to every website every juror's visited
in the past six months.
I got a friend at Homeland Security.
Great work.
Remind us to give you guys a bonus.
- An elephant ride in Thailand?
- I was thinking a hundred bucks.
I was thinking 50 each.
No, no, no. I was on Juror Number 5's
Internet profile...
...and it links to her wedding registry.
It's pretty impressive.
All these items
are for a honeymoon trip to Thailand.
Meals, massages, elephant rides.
Don't eat that, please.
Juror Number 5. She's a teacher.
Her fianc?'s a teacher.
She lives in an apartment.
How can she afford
a sick trip like that?
Wow, looks like somebody upgraded
their honeymoon, bigtime.
How does our bridezilla
communicate with the outside?
An intermediary.
- Security guard, room service.
- They gotta eat in.
Field trip?
Yeah, we'll be there in 15 minutes.
Okay. All right.
You can't be down here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm lost.
I'm looking for the VIP elevator.
- I have an appointment.
- And you are?
A chiropractor.
- A chiro... Where's your table?
- Oh, I have my own technique.
Okay.
- Okay.
- This way.
Remember, think "starvation diet. "
She needs to get into her wedding dress.
Yep.
- Oh, definitely not our bride.
- No. That would be Juror Number 3.
Bastard.
- Got it.
- Or do you?
- One of these has to be Annabelle's.
- Or Juror Number 12.
Prada belt, 30-inch waist, highlights.
This one has croutons.
She can't risk the carbs.
- Nicely done.
- Thank you.
Oh, I think it's obviously
a very pristine kitchen.
- I'd say a " B."
- " B"?
- Oh. What is that?
- What's that?
Possible infestation.
- Yep. I'll bring this to the lab.
- Good.
- This is where I check out.
- Miss you already.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
...you've seen and heard
the evidence against my client.
But remember,
what the eyes sometimes see...
...the heart always feels.
- That's beautiful.
- Oh, Debbie. Yeah, thank you.
Closing argument, you know,
it's the only opportunity for a lawyer...
...to reach directly
into the soul of a juror.
I meant the karate outfit.
Actually, it's called a gi.
- Well, Isabella's here.
- Oh, please. Isabella.
Hello.
I'm sorry about the short notice.
I just didn't want there to be
any more surprises.
Oh, dear. That makes me think
there are going to be surprises.
Harry and I argued about more than
just his medication that night.
- What?
- No, who.
Harry was jealous of my friendship
with Wallace Clayton.
It was strictly platonic,
but he felt threatened by it.
Wallace, that irritating jokester?
Let's get this perfectly clear.
So you weren't arguing
about the medication.
No, we were. But...
...Harry was agitated
because of Wallace.
Oh, I wanted to dispel
any kind of notions...
...that I had any romantic feelings
towards him.
So when we had sex...
...I kicked my efforts into high gear.
And it was a gear
I didn't know I had.
And now he's gone.
And it's because of me.
That's a hell of a way to go.
- I feel better now.
- Good.
Excuse me.
- What the hell?
- Surprise inspection.
What do we have here?
All right! Let go!
You are looking at a felony charge
for obstruction of justice, Mr. Clean.
Look, I'm just the middleman.
- Where does this go next?
- I fax it...
...to a guy who runs the book
at an off-strip place in Vegas.
- I'll give you the number.
- We don't care about that guy.
We care about your friend upstairs.
You want us to forget we met you?
You deliver one more message.
Tell her to be in the lobby in 10.
- She can't leave her room.
- Oh, we'll take care of that.
There's gonna be a fire drill.
- You're gonna pull a fire alarm?
- No. You are.
It should be all right.
Just pick me up out front.
You're gonna have to tell me how
you know about the hooker elevator.
I know baseball too. Doesn't make me
centre fielder for the Dodgers.
Oh, there she is. You're on.
Go, go, go.
Hey. Come with me.
- Who are you?
- Don't worry about that.
You're looking at conjugal visits
on your honeymoon.
- This wasn't my idea.
- Whose was it?
My maid of honour's brother.
I was messaged saying
they'd pay me 50 grand...
...to give updates on the jury.
Okay. So his idea,
but you went through with it.
Look, look, look.
Please don't turn me in.
I just wanted a better honeymoon.
I mean, it might be my last shot
to see the world.
Oh, right. At the expense of sending
an innocent woman to prison?
No, I was just giving a head count
of how I thought they were gonna vote.
I mean, I wasn't betting
on the outcome.
I am just doing my civic duty here,
okay?
I bet you just throw the jury summons
in the trash.
I can't serve on a jury,
me being a convicted felon and all.
Which is something you and I
are gonna have in common...
...once we tell the judge.
No.
What's going on
with the deliberation?
Going in, we all figured she was guilty,
but now a few of us aren't sure.
Like me.
We got the juror dead to rights.
How in the world did you guys
uncover this?
Don't ask, don't tell.
We tell the judge,
it's a slam-dunk mistrial.
And then a slam-dunk retrial.
You know, this corruption and
our knowledge of it, if it's ever exposed...
...I mean, it could be disastrous
both for Isabella and for our firm.
Wow, I'm sorry. Someone actually
said something sane.
We could keep the trial going,
but get rid of the juror.
There is a way to get rid of the bride
without a mistrial.
We'd be making an acquittal
even less likely.
No, better to win the honest way,
even if it proves to be the hard way.
Except one thing. We're losing.
Oh, no. Not this guy.
Morning joe with the dream team.
- Isabella, could I have a word?
- If I may.
A prosecution witness conversing
with a defendant...
...is inadvisable for both sides.
I was merely gonna tell Isabella...
...that had no objection been raised,
I would have said...
...I don't believe she was responsible
for this tragedy.
Thank you, Wallace.
Oh, dear. These gloomy faces. Here's
a zinger that might cheer you up.
This old deaf guy gets fitted
for a hearing aid, works like a charm.
A month later, he comes back
to the doctor's office.
The doctor says, "Your family must be
pleased that you can hear again. "
The guy says,
" I haven't told them yet.
I sit around all day listening.
I've changed my will
three times already. "
Changed his will three times already.
OldGuysCrackingWise. com.
- Laugh riot.
- My grandpa used to tell a joke...
...about a blind guy
who gets glasses...
It's cataract surgery.
I know that one.
Oh, my grandpa told it with glasses.
Well, he told it wrong.
So see you in court.
- I like him.
- Yeah. He's all right.
You know,
Wallace is Isabella's oldest friend.
He does seem rather sweet on her,
doesn't he?
- How sweet was Wallace on you?
- Well...
We did have a bit of an awkward
exchange after the funeral...
...when he was trying to be
a bit too comforting.
You didn't mention
that during his testimony.
- I didn't find it to be relevant.
- Perhaps it's not, but tell us anyway.
Well, I just played it off
like one of his gags.
And I think he...
I think he was upset...
...but he got the message
and then that was it.
Unless that wasn't it.
No mistrial. Tell the judge...
...we need to question
one more witness.
Thank you for allowing us
to question you again.
Hey, I got enough time
to make my own coal.
Did you get that, darling?
- I got enough time...
- Everyone heard you, Mr. Clayton.
That wasn't the issue.
Heckled from the bench.
You testified that you consider Isabella
to be a compadre.
But that's a bit of an understatement,
don't you think?
- Meaning?
- Meaning you'd like to tap that booty.
How dare you?
- What does that mean, exactly?
- Objection.
- Mr. Bash.
- Booty withdrawn.
But do you deny having the hots
for my client?
- She is a lovely woman.
- Yes.
A woman you've resented
for not giving you...
...what she gave
your deceased best friend.
- Objection.
- Withdrawn.
You told us that you and Harry
were big yucksters.
You ever read
OldGuysCrackingWise. com?
- You know that I do.
- Yeah, me too. I'm a big fan.
But you know what,
I got a zinger for you.
- I got a zinger. Man is told...
- Objection.
A little leeway, please.
Thank you.
A man is told by his doctor
that any more sex would kill him.
So he abstains. He sleeps
downstairs in his guest room.
And then late one night, the guy runs
into his wife on the stairwell.
And he says to her,
" I was coming upstairs to die... "
- No, no. No, that's not it.
- Hey, hold on. I got it.
He says,
" I was coming up to die and... "
I'll tell it.
The man says, " I was coming upstairs
to commit suicide. "
So the wife says,
"What a coincidence.
I was coming downstairs to kill you. "
That joke ran on
your favourite website...
...three days before
your best friend died.
Did Harry know this joke?
And, again, you are under oath.
He did.
Three nights later, when Harry "The
Butcher of AII Punch Lines" Kaplowitz...
...said to the paramedic that his wife
was coming upstairs to kill him...
...was he not, in your opinion,
simply trying to tell a joke?
He was.
But you've kept it to yourself...
...cruelly punishing Isabella Kaplowitz
for rebuffing your advances.
Have you not, sir?
No further questions.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Well, as I said before,
this is a love story.
Now, as it turns out,
it's a love triangle.
You see, what had been spun
as a dying accusation was, in fact...
...the ultimate profession of love,
uttered by Harry, so we're told...
...with a smile on his face.
The final tip of the hat
to the woman...
...that loved him so indescribably...
...and who ultimately granted him
that wish to live...
...and, if need be, to die
on his own terms.
- Not bad.
- Team effort.
Still have a rogue juror.
We wanna win fair.
- Patience.
- ... showed me more positions...
...than I ever remember
in the Kama Sutra.
Now, is Isabella's loyalty to Harry...
...not the purest expression of love
that we could ever imagine?
And how could we,
in all good conscience...
...send this woman to prison
for loving her husband so?
Surely, ladies and gentlemen...
...we cannot.
Thank you.
Wait. I think that I put
the wrong date on the invitations.
And I forgot chicken on the menu.
And if I don't get to a treadmill...
- ... my wedding dress is...
- Bailiffs!
I told you not to pick me for this!
What are you looking at, dickhead?!
What are you looking at?
Turn around!
I have things to do today.
I can't do this today.
- I'm not ready.
- Calm down.
I haven't even put a deposit down
on the reception hall.
She really commits, doesn't she?
- Hey, how's the baby?
- What baby?
Oh, he's great. He's great.
Thank you.
- I thought it was a girl.
- She's great too. Twins.
- Did you get my gift baskets?
- Yeah, thank you for the gift.
Don't thank me. I never sent them.
- Then who did?
- I didn't send a gift...
...because you didn't have a baby.
- Yes, he did.
- Right. Yeah.
I'll show you a picture, but I got to
warn you, they're fresh out the oven.
Oh, yeah, there's a lot of slime
involved.
- Do you wanna...?
- Sure, I'd love to.
You do? Yeah.
- How far you wanna go with this?
- I'm done.
I didn't have a baby.
- How'd you know?
- I'm a holy man.
- Well, I...
- Like a psychic?
Like I checked it out with Infeld.
I'm sorry. I was in a hurry
and I made up a little white lie.
I apologise.
- Forgiven?
- No.
Really? You're a spiritual adviser.
It seems wrong.
I like lawyers who are honest.
I'll do the case for free.
- That's fair. Okay.
- Okay.
- Hey. Verdict was reached.
- Okay, we gotta run.
Whatever you say.
Yeah, later. Oh, by the way, Sparky...
...you have one more shot with Janie.
How did he know about Janie?
- Have you reached a verdict?
- We have, Your Honour.
In the matter of
California v. Isabella Kaplowitz...
...we, the jury, find the defendant
not guilty.
Yeah!
Indeed.
I need one of those.
It makes me really happy.
So, Hilary, yes, call Raul.
Tell him dinner at 8.
And tell him to open
a '91 bottle of that Redhawk...
...that he's been going on about.
Thank you.
Somebody's celebrating tonight.
- You're all joining me.
- You always roll this big?
This is a little rich for us.
The '91 Hawk,
that's a $5000 bottle of wine.
Admittedly it's a tad higher-end
than usual...
...but the bill wasn't so hard
to swallow...
...in light of the Vegas jackpot
that I just hit.
You did not.
Well, when the odds were 50-to-1
against me, how could I resist?
I mean, there's nothing unethical...
...about betting on oneself, as far as
I know. So cocktails 7:30 tonight.
Bring a lady if you must.
But don't get pissy
when they want to come home with me.
He's not kidding.
We should have gotten
on that action.
We did.
I parlayed the Cabo vacation fund.
- You the man!
- Yeah, I'm the man.
Wait a minute.
You were betting against us winning.
Well, it was like 50-to-1 odds.
It's a sure thing.
No, no, no. How much? How much?
You all right? No, no. Wait, wait.
Wait, listen.
You're getting it all wrong.