Fortysomething (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

This is Paul Slippery.

He's desperate for it.

This is his idea
of a sexual advance.

You're off to work then?

Suppose so.

Useless to think about...
you know...

...having sex?

Unless you can do it
in 45 seconds.

It's possible.

You amaze me.

You're always at work.



I come home to eat, sleep.

Yeah, that takes up
a lot of time.

You know, it's funny...

I've never actually seen
where you work.

I've never met any of
the people you work with.

- No.
- You just... disappear.

Then when I do call,
I just get an answer machine

or a secretary.

Or your boss,
that Gwendolen person.

Yeah.

So what's she like?

She's fine.

She's fine.

So...



Why don't we invite her
and her husband over for dinner?

She doesn't have a husband.

- Her and her boyfriend.
- Doesn't have a boyfriend.

Poor old thing.

Is she, you know...
really moose-like?

- Sorry?
- Moose-like.

Mingy. Does she ming?
Does she ming for England?

- Oh, for God's sake, Paul.
- It's an expression the boys use.

Is she, you know...
a beast?

No, she has a very nice,
attractive personality,

with a warm, sensual nature.

So why doesn't she
have a boyfriend?

Because she's a lesbian.

- I thought she was a lesbian!
- Don't go on about it.

- I'm not going on about it.
- Going on about what?

Your mother is working with a lesbian,
has been for months,

and has neglected
to tell me about it!

They like to keep it a secret.

- Who do?
- Lesbians.

She does not keep it a secret,
she's perfectly relaxed about it!

The only person making
a meal of it is you!

I don't think we were
making a meal of it,

I thought we were just
mentioning it, weren't we, Edwin?

- Mentioning what?
- Lesbians.

Oh, for God's sakes,
shut up about lesbians!

Sorry I spoke.
No further use of the L-word.

All right? Taboo subject.
No further references

to the sensible shoebrigade.

The what?!

It's another term for...
muff-munchers.

Right, you've clearly got
a probem with this.

Let's get it out
of our systems, shall we?

Say it after me: lesbian.

- Lesbian.
- Lesbian.

Les-bian.

- Lesbians.
- Lesbian.

Estelle?

Well? You chaps going to work?

Got the day off,
Laura's coming over.

- Rory?
- Day off, Lucy's coming over.

- Edwin? School?
- Study leave.

At least you two have girlfriends.

You boys have got to stop
thinking about sex.

There are more things
in life, you know?

Can't think of what they are
for the moment, but there must be.

Hello, what's this?

"Erogen-8, the potion of love."
Oh, interesting!

"This unique brew
of herbs, spices and oils

enhances feelings of love
and tenderness.

You'll experience increased
mutual attraction

and hightened senses
of touch and taste.

Love is literally all around.

Do not use when operating
heavy machinery,

may cause temporary blindness."

It doesn't really say that,
does it?

You've been using Erogen-8!
That is pathetic!

Actually says "may contain
traces of nuts".

So into whose drink
have you slipped this phoney nostrum?

Yours, father.
So that you might love me.

All right, let's be
scientific about this, shall we?

I am, after all, a doctor.

Now, contains cloves.
All right, cloves.

C-L-O-V-E.
Take off the C, what have you got?

- "Louve".
- Love.

All right, there is no scientific
connection between clove and love.

Cloves are what charlatans
crush in bottle and sell to suckers like you.

- It's only a bit of fun.
- No, it's not fun, Edwin.

This is the 21st century,
and you're replacing medicines with remedies.

Bullshit is literally all around.

- What was all that about?
- He needs some "louve".

We should convince him
that that stuff works.

We shouldn't just waste it
on one guy.

Anyway, he's so old
he's almost dead.

I thought you were gonna
use it on this girl

Lucy and Laura are going to
introduce you to.

She's hot, hot, hot,
apparently.

So am I.
I am hot, hot, hot.

Well, she is Laura's cousin.

And she's gonna be around here soon.

Now I know what I'm gonna be
doing all day.

Shall we, though?

Shall we wind the old man up?

What are they like,
these "women in management" things?

Good for business, full of women
unhappy in their jobs.

- Friendly women?
- You could go to the jungle with them.

Provided you took a bodyguard.

Well, that's it then!
I can't possibly talk about

returning to the workplace,
they'll laugh at me!

It sounds so pathetic.

I thought it was perfect.
That's why I suggested it.

- Why don't you do it then?
- Cause you've lived it.

You went off and had a family.
Anyway, I'm chairing the thing.

But you're used to talking
to roomfuls of high-achieving women.

Don't play the little
housewife, Estelle.

It's very unsexy.

- Surinder, hi, it's Paul.
- Hi, Paul.

Look, Surinder, I know you're into
all this alternative medicine stuff,

but herbal aphrodisiacs...

It's drivel, isn't it?

- Hello.
- Hey. Hey, baby!

- This is Woj.
- Hi, Woj.

- I'm a girl.
- Yeah, I'd noticed.

Some people don't.

This is my brother.

So... sweep me off my feet.

- We've gotta go upstairs.
- So soon?

But let's get back to this
Erogen-8 stuff. Let's be honest.

I could drink the whole stupid bottle
and it wouldn't raise my seritonin levels

by a gnat's shoesize.

So we're gonna get dad
to join us for a nice cup of tea,

- and two of us take this...
- ...fiendishly powerful drug.

Go through the motions
of increased mutual attraction

and heightened senses
of touch and taste.

And persuade him to buy the bottle!

Thereby defraying the cost
of my original investment.

I really need this, guys.
It cost me 20 quid.

Who's gonna take it?
Me and Dan?

You guys are already
mutually attracted.

That's a good point.

It's gotta be two people
that aren't a couple.

Me?

- Yeah, don't mind.
- Yeah, but who you're gonna take it with?

Don't look at me.
I don't be a couple.

I come individually wrapped,
I'm afraid.

Cool, whatever. Laura, do you
want to take it with me?

- Sorry.
- Hey,

why don't you and Laura take it?

Cause you guys are not
a couple, are you?

True.

Okay.

Edwin, you're in charge of tea.

Make the opening more punchy,

cut the joke about
every woman wanting a wife,

I did that last year.

I must be on the right track then.

- Otherwise, it's fine.
- Fine?

What does fine mean?
Dull?

Does it sound like it's
written by a housewife?

I wouldn't dream you've got
three boys and a very demanding husband.

And you want to take me
away from them.

It's a joke.

There's no such thing as a joke.

Is Paul coming to support you?

I thought it was women only.

It's a joke.

- Have you told him about it?
- Yes.

- What did he say?
- He wasn't listening.

You could do with a few lines
slagging off men.

That goes down a treat
with women in management.

I don't want to slag off men!

So you don't like it.

Listen.

Don't worry.

It's a good speech.
Very well researched.

They'll love you.

No, I won't.
Thanks all the same.

Yeah, I really must go,
Surinder.

"Old maid's tounge",
yeah... I'm writing that down.

Okay, fine. Bye.

Hi.

- Hi!
- We've made some tea.

Because we want to try
an experiment.

- Involving?
- You.

We think you were a little
hard on Edwin's love potion.

Maybe. Maybe not.

You're not against increasing the amount
of love in the world, are you, dad?

No, I have no objections
about it at all.

Edwin's added two equal amounts
of the potion into two identical cups.

Basically we're gonna
shuffle them around,

so we have no idea
which two contain...

- The substance.
- Yeah.

It's a controlled experiment,
minimizes the placebo effect.

- You're a doctor now, are you?
- Just making it scientific, dad.

So ethanol, i.e. alcohol,
clove, cinnamon,

eulalia leaves, essence of
rootbree... whatever that is...

nurmanin... 0,0123 milligramms...
wuranecia root.

Well, I think I'm still having
that sort of feet on the ground sort of feeling.

Bet the wuranecia root
hasn't kicked in yet.

- What about you, uhm...?
- Woj.

No, nothing.
There never is with me.

- This tea's lovely.
- It is, it's... nice tea.

It tastes a bit different,
actually, what is it?

Oh, it's... luce-leaf mix...
Chinese and...

- ...Indian.
- Nice.

What do you think?

Too soon to say.

Actually, I'm definitely feeling
a bit more relaxed,

and calm, and open to things
and to people,

- and to...
- Me?

No, I'm not convinced.

- I mean, I think, pharmacologically...
- I love you, dad.

Oh, Rory.

You know, I've...

...painted my skirting board green.

- What sort of green?
- Green green.

Can I see it?

Yeah. Let's go.

Don't be too long!

Well, I can't sit around all morning
blind tasting love potions,

I've gotta go
and heal the sick.

Or at least point them at the
nearest A&E department.

Cost 40 quid, by the way.

- What?
- You know it's worth it.

All right.

- 20.
- 40, dad.

You kids half...

Okay.

I'm just gonna take it
to the lab for analysis,

you know, just...
it's out of interest.

Hi!

Hi, Mr Aziz is waiting.

There are four women
in burkas with him, Surinder.

Three.

Four.

I could've sworn
there were three.

Mr Aziz, my apologies to you
and your... companions.

Please, don't worry.

Actually only one of them is my wife.
The other two are her sisters.

God knows who the one
on the end belongs to.

Okay, do up your shirt.

I'm a patient of Dr Pilfrey, really.

Where is Dr Pilfrey?

I'm afraid it all got
a bit too much for him.

And so he went away
to another place.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Please, will you give my
condolences to his widow?

No, he's not really...

It just all got a bit...
Got a bit complicated.

So...

You say you're coughing up phlegm?
It's not a dry cough?

It's not. I keep spitting
in inappropriate places.

People think I'm making
a statement of some kind.

Do you smoke?

Work in a smoky environment?

No, actually I sell
Islamic clothing.

Modest garments
for modest men and women!

- How's trade?
- Not so good these days.

Say what you want about the Taliban,
they didn't do my business any harm at all.

What are they doing up there?
Joke's over.

I didn't like the way
Laura was acting.

But she was acting, Luce!

Or was she? Maybe that stuff
really does work.

If anyone ever slipped something
in my drink to try and seduce me,

- they would so die.
- No one would dare, Woj.

Should we go and see them?

This is incredible!

I don't believe this.

- We so had you two!
- That's not funny!

- It is funny.
- I thought it was funny.

But then, I don't have
a sense of humour.

Lucy!

What's he done to you?

He hasn't done
anything to me.

Paul?

Hi.

This is the bottle of snake-oil
that my son just wasted 40 quid on.

- Get it down you?
- Wouldn't be safe with you in the room, Surinder.

I am flattered.

Estelle just rang me.

Did she?
She didn't ring me.

She invited me to hear
her speak this afternoon.

Why didn't you tell me?
It's great, isn't it?

She's speaking?
Where's she speaking?

At the conference.
"Women in management".

She never told me.

Or did she?

Nah, I think I'd remember that,
wouldn't I?

Maybe I wouldn't
if I had something else on my mind.

Maybe I didn't hear.

Why have I not been invited?

It's only women allowed,
I'm afraid.

There you are, you see,
I'm in the clear.

There must be substances
that affect the human brain.

Love is just seratonin
and lust, don't you think?

Take it easy, Paul.

Okay. I'll take it.

Gwendolen Hartley Associates.

Gwendolen!

- Paul.
- Hi!

I was just wondering,
is Estelle there or is she tied up?

It sounds terrible, doesn't it?

I always imagine someone
actually physically tied to a chair

and being whipped or something.

Why do you imagine that, Paul?

I don't know, Gwendolen.
I don't know why I said that.

I'll put you through to Estelle.

You will? Good, good. Thanks.

Estelle, it's Paul.

Before you do that, I promise you
I don't think about whips all the time.

- Paul!
- Hi, darling.

- Why are you acting so weird?
- What do you mean acting...

I wasn't acting weird!

Just having a perfectly normal
conversation with Gwesbian.

- With Gwendolen.
- Oh, for God's sake, Paul!

- Look...
- What's he on about?

- Nothing, nothing.
- I've just been feeling...

- What?
- You know, you and I haven't

been seeing enough
of each other lately and...

- Paul.
- I didn't even realise

you were giving this talk
until Surinder told me.

I did tell you.

You did?

- Yes.
- Well...

The thing is I just would've
liked to be invited.

- It's women only!
- Yes, yes, I know it's women only,

and there's no men allowed,
and it's just you and the lesbians...

I mean the women...
Yes, it's just...

I'd like to have lunch with you.

And I thought that if you're gonna have
a sandwich in the office,

I'd like to share that
sandwich with you.

I'd like to make it
a special sandwich.

I'd like to bring that sandwich over
and then we could just

sit around in the office,
you, me, Lesdolen...

...and just share it.

- Okay?
- Yeah, fine.

- Really?
- What?

Excellent. I'm gonna make
this a sandwich you will not believe.

Prawn.

Prawn and lettuce, on brown.

I itch.

- I can do something about that.
- Shut up, Dan!

You never know what you might pick up
if you sleep with Dan.

Yeah, you're quite a
promiscuous guy, Dan.

What is this? I'm so fed up
with this stereotype of me

as the man who does it with everyone
and passes around sexual diseases.

Why?

Good point.

I've only slept with you...

Lucy, and you, Laura.

And...

And?

And Heleina.

And Amy.

And Sarah Jane.

And Rebecca Frawley,
but everyone's done it with her.

And Maeve, once.
Oh, and Janet.

Carol-Anne.

Yeah, and David, of course.
And Colonel Gaddafi.

And the New York Police
Department's male voice choir.

- For God's sakes, six women...
- Seven.

...is not a lot!
In the last...

...well, you know, recently.

Did you really sleep
with Janet Floss?

Oh, no, for God's sake...
Janet Floss doesn't...

Janet Clineman.

And I didn't sleep with her,
it was kind of a mistake on a late night bus.

I haven't slept with Rebecca Frawley.

- Neither have I.
- Well, you can relax, Dan.

Because the itch is
on my right bottock,

where you persuaded me
to get a tat... too.

- You what?
- I didn't force her, it was consensual.

- Listen, you better go to surgery.
- Have you got the number?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Which... which surgery do you go to?

Well, your dad's.

I don't know, there's nothing
actually wrong with me,

I just don't want to...

You know...

No.

I seem to have lost my...
"joie de vivre".

Yes.

Not that I had that much.

No.

- How are the girls?
- You see more of them than I do.

Right.

So it's just a sort of...

...general what's-it-all-for
sort of feeling.

It may be existential.
Can you give me something for it?

Normally, I would think about
prescribing antidepressants.

But there may be another way.

Yes, I'll try anything.

I'm glad to hear it.

Now...

What we're really talking about here

is what are these that makes you
want to leap out of bed in the morning?

It's love, isn't it?

- Love?
- Love.

Now this may well be
the thing for you.

It's a tonic, really.
It's herbal.

It's got cloves, eulalia leaves,
and essence of rootbree.

Now I want you to think of this
as a present from me to you.

Just make sure the kids are out,

and the phone's off the hook.

You just have to believe, Norman.
Hope and believe.

- So it's like Father Christmas.
- Exactly.

Except without the reindeer.

Or the sack.

Or the clothes.

How much should I take?

Well, that depends how much
"joie de vivre" you want to recover.

Fair enough. I think this could be
the stuff for me.

Lunch.

Hi, I called earlier.
It's Laura Proek to see Dr Dhillon.

Yeah, can you take a seat, please?

- Laura!
- Dad!

- What brings you here?
- Nothing serious.

Woman trouble.

What are you doing here, then?

I just got a tonic from Dr Slippery.
He's a most unusual man.

Very, very approachable.

What sort of tonic?

Well, it's just to make me feel better.

In what way?

Does it contain essence of rootbree?

Why do you ask?

Just wondered.

I'll see you later, Laura.
Look after yourself.

I will. And you.

Give me more prawn.
More prawn on brown!

You like it, huh?
You like my prawn on brown?

Oh, yes! I like it!
I want it, I want more of it!

It feels so good!

Then just wait for it,
baby, just wait for it.

Paul?

Hi.

Could you have a look
at a patient for me?

- I'd like a second opinion.
- No problem. No problem.

Right, then.

Morning, I'm Dr Slippery.

Hi, Paul.

Aren't you gonna kiss me
on the cheek?

This is Laura,
she's Daniel's girlfriend.

Hence the tattoo.

Is it infected?

No, no...

Tattoos are essentially abraisons,

and all abrasions are subject
to a little redness sometime.

If it were infected, it would feel hot
when you put your hand near it.

Yeah. Does it feel hot
when you put your hand near it?

I don't know. How hot's hot?

What do you think?

Well, let's see, shall we?

No, that's pretty normal
buttock temperature, I'd say.

Also, if it were infected,
the surface would be sticky, and it's not,

it's smooth and...

...and nice.

No, it's a nice, well-contoured,
smooth bottom.

- Well done.
- Thank you.

"Oh, rose, thou art sick!
The invisible worm,

That flies in the night..."

Worm, did you say?

Sorry, it's a quotation.
There is a little soreness around the rose.

It's so vibrant and alive
and full of colour and texture.

It just makes you want to lean down
and bury your nose in it, doesn't it?

The rose...

Well, we'll give you some
hydrocortison cream,

and you'll be as right
as rain in no time.

- Thanks, Paul.
- Thanks, Laura.

And I hope it chokes you!

- I am on duty!
- I've been looking for you everywhere...

I've been wondering the streets.

- But I am on duty!
- Darling...

What did you just call me?

I called you darling, we've
been married for 20 years,

you are my darling,
you are... my beloved.

You're the person for whom...
I have feelings.

Traffic wardens don't have feelings!

Yes, they do. Don't write
any more tickets today, please.

Please.

Please.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Oh, no.
Ladies and... ladies?

Girls and girls?

Don't worry. Just start.

Hit the bitches with your best shot.

Hit the bitches.

Hello?

Oh, thanks.
Your husband has arrived.

Ask him to wait.

Estelle, do come and look!

Oh look, there's
the famous sandwich.

He reminds me of a dog.

But not a recognised breed
if you know what I mean.

What is he doing?

He's rehearsing for your lunch.

And you're rehearsing
for your speech.

You both spend your lives rehearsing.

Maybe that's where
you're going wrong.

- Well, I'll leave you to it.
- No, no, no, please, stay.

It's time you two met.

Paul, darling?

- Hi!
- Hi.

- You must be Gwendolen.
- You must be Paul.

- And you must be Estelle!
- Yes, that's me.

So, these are the famous offices.

You're bigger than I imagined.

I mean not you personally,
I just thought the whole, you know...

I'm expanding.

In the long-term
I hope to find a partner.

- You don't have one.
- I've never had one.

That's surprising,
you're an... attractive woman.

- I'm sorry?
- But you're on the lookout now.

Yes, I am.

Are there special clubs
that you go to?

- Paul, darling...
- Presumably you're not just gonna

pick someone up off the street,
now are you?

God, no!

She... well, I suppose
it would have to be a she...

I suppose it would, yeah.

She would have to know
the ropes!

Paul, can I have a word
with you outside, please?

- I'm just having a nice chat with...
- Now.

Business partner!

I mean, can you not think
of anything else but sex?

I think about food, occasionally.

Paul, I am delivering a speech
this afternoon,

have you any idea
how terrifying that is?

And all you can talk about
is sex and sandwiches.

I brought you your
prawn and lettuce on brown.

- Oh, for God's sakes...
- It's got your name on it.

Estelle, you've got less
than an hour and a half.

Go home and change.

I know.

We'll have lunch at home.

Your dad is so nice.

He's all right.

When he looked at my bottom,
he quoted poetry.

We're very different people.

"Oh rose, thou art sick!
The invisible worm."

What?

I was your brother's girlfriend.

What we did was wrong
and now it's poisoning everything,

- like the poem!
- Poisoning, what?

What are you doing here?

Estelle's upstairs, getting changed,
and then we're gonna have lunch.

Just the two of us.

Wow, you look fantastic!

- Yeah, I'm in a little bit of a hurry...
- You've gotta eat.

It's nice to...
It's nice to share, don't you think?

- You know, share...
- A prawn sandwich.

You know, we spend so little
time together, and...

...we're not gonna live
forever, now are we?

So this prawn sandwich,
did you make it yourself?

No. No, I bought it
at a petrol station.

That's romantic.

Actually, it doesn't have that
stapled together look you usually find

in the commercial sandwich.

No, well, you see,
I opened it.

And added an extra ingredient.

Like what?

Try it, tell me what you think.

Plastic?

- Darling!
- No, no.

It's a nice sandwich.
It's a lovely sandwich.

And it's so sweet of you
to be eating it with me.

You, me, and a prawn sandwich.

How does it make you feel?

- The sandwich?
- The sandwich.

Hey, oh God!

It really... really hits the spot.

Does it? Does it make
you feel... tingly?

Yes, it does, actually,
I feel really warm.

Do you feel warm?

I'm starting to feel very warm.

- Oh, you've got these amazing...
- What?

Sort of arms.

Got legs, too.

- And...
- And what?

- Thighs.
- Thighs!

Thighs, thighs, thighs,
thighs, thighs.

- Estelle, are you...?
- Am I what?

Am I mad with desire?
Am I swept away?

I don't know, Paul.

I don't know myself anymore!
I'm out at sea in a boat,

I'm drowning in honey,
I'm up a tower,

I'm up a huge, knobbly tower.
I'm high on eulalia leaves.

- Which one of them told you?
- Does it really matter?

What matters is that you have
so little respect for me,

you think you can turn me on
by doctoring a prawn sandwich?

What's happened to you, Paul?

I just can't deal with this right now.

Oh, get out.

Can I hear your speech?

You okay?

Not really, no.

- My marriage is in ruins.
- It's always in ruins.

And then you build it
back up again.

What's that smell?
It's not aftershave.

No, it's a... prawn flavoured shirt.
Had a bit of an accident.

One of them's still here.

She's been here for hours.
We've offered her some tea.

Can't work out what she wants.

Arranged marriages are
probably the best, aren't they?

That way you don't expect love.

You can't see your wife's
angry mouth...

...inside a burka.

I'd better get on.

What do you mean
we just screw?

For God's sakes, Dan,
Laura's trying to say something to you!

The least you could do
is listen to her!

She feels used by you
after you... you branded her!

- She feels...
- How do you know how she feels?

Because unlike you, I try to stay friends
with people after I've gone out with them.

Don't think this new man act
fools me, Rory!

You're just pissed off
that I've got Laura!

I don't think you
have got me, actually!

Girl shouting at boys?
We're all doing it.

Yeah, we heard.
Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I tried to bring them up right,
Laura, I tried to teach them to respect

and understand women, but it seems
only one of them was listening.

I wonder which one that was.

All our garments are fully Islamic
and conform to holy specifications.

Who's it for?

- It's for my wife.
- Your wife's a Muslim?

Yes. Yes, I should've mentioned it earlier,
but yes, she is a Muslim.

She's incredibly Muslim, in fact.

She went over earlier this year,

and just seem to get more Muslim
with every moment that passes.

Good to hear it.
And the size?

About here.

Okay, so what are you after?
A burka?

We have the complete Hijab collection.

Perhaps a below knee length,
loose-fitting shalwar kameez,

with pockets and a hood?

No, I think I'll pass
on the...

Just a bog standard burka, I think.

And colour?

Well, black's slimming, isn't it?

And also, she'll need some
Islamic shoes and gloves if you have any.

Well, sandals are quite suitable,

but I'm not sure gloves
are Islamic garment as such.

She's got big hands.

And enormous feet.

You have your hands full, boy.

I certainly do.

I am Yasmine. Hello!

I'm so sorry.

I thought this was the gents.

Excuse me.

This is the gents.

I am Yasmine. Sorry!

The drawing on the door...

That means men.

Ah, men.
Peace be upon you.

- Where do you want to be, then?
- Anywhere you're not, actually.

I've had enough boys for today.

Why don't you go to mum's talk?

- What's it about?
- Women going back to work.

That sounds quite good.

Why?

Because she needs all
the female support she can get.

See? He actually thinks
about people.

Come on, guys.

Creep.

Pub?

I'd never have my name
tattooed on a woman's arse.

Yeah, well...

I have quite considerable
powers of persuasion.

It's just naff.

I don't belive she really
wanted that done.

I'm out of here.

I won't say it again.

You have to buy a ticket.
It costs 15 pounds for the afternoon session.

Money in other burka.
Other burka in wash.

Oh, hello.

Do you understand English?

Have you come
to listen to the talk?

God, you're tall.

It's really un-pc of me,
but I always think of you people as small.

And you're very lovely.

Do sit down.

Back in 1989, as few as 17%
of women with two children or more

returned to the workplace
between the ages of 24 and 40...

By 1999, with 12% growth in the number
of single parent households

and the shift was more flexible
working hours, 39%...

Look, I've got a lot of
statistics prepared...

But I think it's better
that I speak from the heart here.

I was terrified of going back to work,
I was married very young,

I spent 20 years budgeting
the weekly shopping,

stopping my boys from
killing each other,

negotiating the minefield of
the schoolgates, you know...

All those competitive women
with their 4-wheel drives bigger than my house...

And I suddenly thought:
this is perfect training.

We, women, we know that
we're fantastic in the workplace.

But our main problem is men!

Men like to talk first,
they like to talk loudest,

they like to talk longest, they have
this desperate need to be in control.

The bastards simply don't listen!

I bet that's true in your culture.

What are men supposed to do
with all that testosterone?

I do know it is a problem
that they face.

For the last time:
it's women only!

- I am a woman, you numpty!
- Then behave like one!

What do I have to do, eh?
Get my fanny out and wave it in your face?

You are not a woman. Out!

Right.

From now on, I'm sticking to women.

Thank you for those words, Estelle.
I think you surprised us there.

And you surprised yourself, too.

Right, now, do we have
any questions from the floor?

Lady in the burka.
You've written it out, have you?

Let me take it.

Right.

Would you like me
to read it out?

You were great.
Your speech was brilliant.

I'm so proud of you.

I think you're clever
and funny, and sexy,

and everything anyone
should ever be.

I know I didn't support you enough,
but I'm trying. I really am.

Also, I love you.

Is that okay?

Thank you, uhm...

Yasmine.

Yasmine.

Yasmine has made
a very good point that...

Whatever their shortcomings,
men, or some men anyway,

will go to extraordinary lengths
to do anything for the woman they love.

I've been married to
my husband for 20 years,

and we do have our moments, but...

I am still crazy about him.

And I'd like to thank you, Yasmine,
for reminding us all about that.

Thank you, Mrs Slippery.

Peace be upon you,
you wonderful woman.

Get off me,
you evil lesbo bitch!

That's right, call me a lesbian!
Typical man!

Oh, you are so loving this,
you... beanflicker!

Paul, darling, please,
take that thing off!

I did take it off. Then I put it
back on again. I really like it.

Yeah, I notice.

It's just so fantastic to be
able to see out and no one else can see in.

Are you sure that's what it is
or does it afford you a deeper satisfaction?

I feel like a
birdwatcher in a hide.

These Islamic women
are really good at sussed.

Enough dancing!

Daniel told me he was
thinking of moving out.

- He's not gonna move out, is he?
- He might.

I don't want Daniel to move out.

I suppose they'll all go eventually.

I suppose they will.

And how will we deal with that?

Like we deal with everything else.

Badly.

Islamic physical jerks.

No.

Have you ever made love
to a man dressed in a burka?

No, and I don't propose
to start now.

I had a phone call from Mr Proek.

He told me he's had sex
eight times this afternoon.

Oh my God,
why did he tell you?

I'm a doctor.

So you are.

If I took my burka off, do you think
we might make passionate love?

Well, it's certainly won't be possible
if you leave it on.

Well, I need to keep
it on for a bit.

I need to feel
like an Islamic woman.

I think it's my way through
to being a new man.

"You make me feel like..."

Your speech was bloody good.

Thank you.

I love you.

I'm gonna come to bed
very soon, but right now,

I'm in the burka.

Islamic sitting.
Islamic sleep.