Fortysomething (2003–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

This is Paul Slippery.

He thinks people are
conspiring against him.

Oh my God!

They are.

Pilfrey, he was coming after me,
he was chasing me with this

wet, flapping noise.

He had this awful smile.

You mean like this?

Thank God, you're awake.

You're giving us a lift,
remember?

My car is in the garage.



Oh God, Estelle!

I've just had the most
horrific dream.

- It was all about...
- Pilfrey.

How did you know?
Was I saying his name?

No, no, he's outside
on the street.

Jesus!

What's he doing?

Well, he's talking to Porker
and his labrador.

And he's actually
stroking the dog.

Strange, I thought
Pilfrey hates dogs.

Porker's my patient,
why is Pilfrey greasing up to him?

He isn't even ill.

Pilfrey's trying to
steal my patients!

Why would he do that, Paul?



Why? Why?

He doesn't need a reason.

Cause he's after me with his
wet, flapping...

For God's sake, Paul,
get a grip! It's not you he's after.

Pilfrey's been calling me,
he's been sending me emails.

- What?
- No, it's nothing,

it's a consultancy thing,
he wanted to have a breakfast meeting

but I said no.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I knew you'd be like this.

Like what?
What am I being like?

Hi. Are we heading off?

No offence, old son,
but not a bad idea to knock,

you know, your mother
and I could've been...

Yeah, right.

Management consultant!

So you're gonna have
breakfast with Pilfrey?

Don't be absurd,
of course not.

I told him we have
breakfast together as a family,

you know, sitting down.

- But we never do that.
- Today we will.

Does that mean you're
gonna cook it?

Well, here we all are.

Here's me and Estelle,

Daniel and Rory, Edwin,

Lucy and Laura...

One big happy family.

So Lucy, Laura,

which one of you is sleeping
with Dan at the moment?

That was very embarrassing of me.
I don't know why I said that.

Yes, I do actually,
we've got a PPV today

and I'm under a lot of stress.

Stress is so not good.

- Right.
- What's a PPV?

It's... it's a
Patient Practice Verification,

a sort of government inspector
bloke comes around,

checks that you're not...

You know, you're not...
fiddling the... books.

How's that?
You're like so tense.

Great. Thanks.

- Have you been fiddling?
- Certainly not!

- But Pilfrey has.
- Please don't get him started.

Who's Pilfrey?

- Pilfrey is...
- Paul, please.

Pilfrey is a valued collegue
who just has the habit of popping up.

I'm not here.

- Where are you?
- I don't know.

Tell him I've gone to work.
Tell him I've got a breakfast meeting.

- Hi, Ronnie.
- Paul.

I've a breakfast meeting
with your very lovely wife.

Well, she had another breakfast
meeting in town.

Two breakfasts.

She'll be waddling
by the end of the day.

No, what I mean is I think she's
forgotten your breakfast meeting.

And what makes you
think that?

Well, I hardly think she'd go
all the way up to town,

have breakfast then come back here
and have breakfast with you.

Are you having breakfast?

I am, Ronnie, yes.
But I'm having it alone.

I suggest you do the same.

Paul? We need to discuss
the inspection.

Paul, darling,
we've got to go.

Get back!

Did you hear that?

That's why he's
greasing up to my patients.

It's the practice inspection,
he wants to show me up.

Why would he
do that, Paul? Why?

Because if he was thinking
of splitting up the practice in some way,

then he'd want as many patients
on his list as possible.

See? There speaks the
management consultant.

We are so proud of you,
darling.

Anyway, we're stuck for the
time being, he knows you're in here.

Oh, no, maybe not.

No, he's walking away...

He's getting into his car...

- He's...
- Driving away?

Dialling a number.

Hi, Estelle, it's Ronnie.

I'm outside your house
for our breakfast meet

and that husband of yours
has been a wee bit... you know...

Anyway, I've got a feeling
you're in there somewhere

or on your way,
so I'll just wait outside.

Stay loose!

- Stay loose?
- He is so hot for you, mom.

Hot, hot, hot.

This is like "Dog Day Afternoon".

Except it's the morning.

And there's no dogs.

No, there are actually,
he's made friends with Porker's labrador.

So how are you gonna
get out of here?

Sorry, how are we
gonna get out of here?

I say we start three tunnels.
Tom, Dick and Harry.

Wait a second.
How did you know Pilfrey hates dogs?

Paul, hi, it's Surinder.

I just wanted to remind you
to bring the PPV file.

We should really have
sent it last week,

but the inspector would
definitely want to see it today.

Anyway, I'll see you later.
Bye.

- Well?
- There's just stuff I know about him.

These emails he's been sending me,
they're a little bit more than emails.

How much more?

They're sligthly personal
I suppose you could say.

What? Stuff about dogs?
What else? Recipe ideas, what?

They're sort of love letters.

They're basically a celebration of himself,
but I do seem to feature in there somewhere.

I will kill him.
I will kill him!

Estelle, hi,
it's Ronnie Pilfrey.

I'm still outside
the "masion familielle".

I'm still looking forward
to our breakfast meeting.

Estelle!

Are you sure you're
not in there, Estelle?

- Any ideas?
- We could put coats over our heads?

We could, yes,
but why would we?

Can we just get on with this?

It's my first day,
for God's sake!

Honey, it's very simple,
you've just got to distract him.

Can I use a baseball bat?

No, you can't, use tact.

Pilfrey!

Sorry if I was a bit...
you know...

Midlife crisis and all that.

Would you say it was a crisis?

But it was midlife.

But you know, in many ways,
I'm pleased to see you and Estelle

so close.

It's amazing really that her job
has sort of brough us closer together.

You, me, her...

My God, is that yours?

It is.

She is gorgeous!

Is it a she? Or a he?
I never quite know with cars.

Oh, it's a she all right.

EFI, ABS, ATC,
225 brake horsepower.

Well, say what you like
about BMWs...

...they're not Audis,
which this obviously is.

Although they are,
of course, both German,

they're not Italian
or... or Swedish.

So tell me, what are
these things here?

They're the hubcaps, Paul.

Hubcaps, are they?

Yeah, but they're much
more than that, aren't they?

They're a state of mind,
they're design and technology,

colour and texture.

"Vorsprung durch" hubcaps,
I say.

Well, it gets me
from A to B.

Does it? Yeah.
And back, presumably.

Or do you tend to hang
around at B?

You know, a sort of long weekend
and that kind of thing.

Well, Pilfrey,
I'll see you later.

Practice inspection,
very important.

How... what...?

You don't have RDI?

- RDI?
- Remote Driving Intelligence.

Bit of a gimmick,
but I like it.

Nice work!

Looking sharp, Edwin.

Eight quid, Marie Curie.
Not bad, eh?

- Hey, is this for our benefit?
- Nah, lunch date with dad.

Annual bonding sesh.

Tells me about
relationships and stuff.

As a matter of interest,

which one of you is
sleeping with Dan at the moment?

- She is.
- I'm not!

- I thought you were.
- I thought you were!

- Shouldn't one of us be?
- Hey, girls! I'm here!

And I'm ready!

Ever since you got
back home from Thailand, Luce,

I feel so bad, I just...

I know! I feel bad
for making you feel bad.

Listen, I feel bad too.

Mainly cause I'm 16.
But if you wanna feel better,

come and check this out.

What are you up to, Edwin?

Pilfrey's love letters!
They cannot go unread.

Oh my God, your mom
lets you read her emails?

No way! She's got
a password and everything.

203
00:11:43k,264 --> 00:11:47,954
Look, I now people in this family
think that I'm a bit of a bastard.

I'd just like you to know
that I'm not.

I mean yeah, I may be
a bit of a bastard, but...

I'm basically a nice person.

Even if I have got a job
which as far as I can see

involves being
a bit of a bastard.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Here's to your first
wave of redundancies.

Bye, darling.

He's still paranoid
that I haven't forgiven him for Laura.

- He's right, isn't he?
- Yes.

What does she see in him?

Well, we know, don't we?

Bye, love.

What do we know?

That women prefer bastards?

Is that what we know, Estelle?

Come on, darling,
we're gonna be late.

This one's called
"Hopes and dreams, me and you".

"I think about you
all the time."

My God, the man's sick!
This is my mum!

"I sense that what's between us
is getting bigger by the day.

Becoming indeed so big
that one day it will burst."

"Like a boil!"

"And when it does it will shower us
with all the things we crave:

Chocolates,

kisses,

and the wild dreams of the little people
who slave for a better world."

I think we should stop
reading this.

Or set it to music.

I think mum should answer it.

I've called it
"Deeper feelings for a doctor".

I like it so far.

- "Oh, Ronnie..."
- No, don't overdo it.

Sorry.

"Ronnie, my feelings for you
have got deeper

and now they threaten
to shake my marriage to Paul.

He is old and tired, Ronnie.

You are young and..."

What's the word?

- Vibrant?
- That's the one.

"I need to see that
crazy, crazy smile of yours.

Those strange, hypnotic
hand gestures.

The way you sing those
old Beatles numbers."

- He'll never believe this.
- Of course he will.

People believe what they
wanna believe.

And take my word for it,
every man wants to believe this.

"I've felt the secrecy of what
we have between us.

We know things others don't.

We're like spies.

Secret agents in a foreign land.

When you get this message,
destroy it!"

"P.S. Give me a sign
that you feel the same.

A secret code.

Wear the brightest socks you can find,
and I will know."

- Now watch him go.
- God, I hope you know what you're doing.

He insulted my mother.
He must die.

Do women prefer bastards,
Surinder?

Sorry?

Really, when the chips are down,
are bastards more attractive?

They can be an interesting starter,
but for main course, no.

Well, there you are,
you see, because Estelle

always has a starter
instead of a main course,

- while I order a...
- I'd love to discuss this,

but we have a practice inspection today.
Did you bring the file?

- Oh, Paul.
- It's all right, I'll...

I'll call Edwin and get him
to bring it in.

Are you all right, Paul?

I think Pilfrey has
fallen in love with Estelle.

- You're being paranoid.
- Am I?

He's been sending her emails.
Love letters.

God knows what he's got planned
for the inspection.

The inspection will be fine!
We've done nothing to be ashamed of.

There's that Billingham woman
with the acute depression.

True, if Pilfrey told her to cheer up
it might never happen.

They've put a rail
on that bridge now.

- Hello?
- Edwin.

Hi, dad.

Listen, are you still coming in
for lunch today?

Damn right.
Got a killer suit on.

Look, I need you to do
something for me.

Can you go into the study?

Study, right.
Hold on a sec.

- Okay, I'm in.
- Now, there's an orange file

marked PPV. Can you bring it
with you when you come?

Yeah, sure, no problem.

You are a high caliber, son.
I'll see you later, all right?

- Bye.
- See ya.

- Edwin.
- Yeah?

I feel a bit funny
asking you this but...

What do you think about Dan?

Dan? Well, he's good-looking,
he's smart,

he's really good at pool,
he can cook...

Why don't you
go out with him, then?

Well, on the other hand,
he's vain, he's lazy,

and got four A's in his A-levels
without doing any revision.

And what about Rory?

Well, Rory's Rory.

Okay, so what do we do?

I think you should just go
and see Dan at work

and get him to choose
between you.

Edwin, we'll do the choosing.

Exactly, yeah,
that's what I meant.

And you know, if that
doesn't work out, I'm always here.

Yeah.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, fine, Surinder.

You know if it weren't for you,
I would've handed in my resignation.

You're the only thing
that keeps me sane.

Wow.

For a moment there I thought
you were gonna make a move on me.

I'd love to make
a move on you, Surinder.

If I weren't so scared of my wife,
I would've done it ages ago.

God, what have I just said?

What is the matter with me
this morning?

It's the curse of Pilfrey.

Oh my sweet Lord.

Pilfrey, that's a...

That's a very...
interesting outfit.

Is it, Paul?
Is it very interesting?

You look like Action Man.

I am Action Man.

Do you want to know why me
and Action Woman can never have children?

I've got a separate box.

I come in a separate box.

It's funny.

But what's the outfit for, Pilfrey?
Are you doing a spot of abseiling?

Are you delivering some
Milk Tray, what?

You can look like a 1950s
geography teacher if you like, Paul,

that's up to you.

But I'm keen to protect
an image of this practice

that is modern.
Cutting edge.

And rapidly responsive.

And a word of advice:

don't worry about
my sense of style.

Worry about your
drug budget overspent.

"Love love me do"
"You know I love you"

We have to move
with the times, Paul.

Gotta stop mollycoddling people.

We are doctors.
Not nurses.

"So please"
"Love me do"

- He's singing.
- I noticed.

Pilfrey's singing.
Has he gone mad?

No madder than you.

Fair enough.

To be honest, I am
worrying about my drug budget.

Mel Gibson!

I know, absolutely.

Yes, of course, but they are
prepared to pay an awful lot

for someone with your profile.

You've worked in Finland
which they adore.

Why?

Because they're Finnish, Elaine,
they're very, very, very Finnish.

And you are such a good mix.
You're commercially aware,

you've got management skills
and you're great at influencing,

your CV is full of results delivery.

You have delivered
results delivery.

No, no, no, it's a fact!

Great! See you next Thursday
at 10:00.

Till the men are born.

Do you think I sounded
horribly insincere?

Yes. I shall have to
give you a raise.

Estelle Slippery.

Hi. It's me.

When can we meet?
Emails are only emails.

I prefer females to emails.

It's Ronnie Pilfrey,
he wants to talk about his carreer again.

It's your business, Estelle.
Charm him!

Whenever suits you.

Ronnie.

When it suits you, Estelle!

I'm so sorry that we missed
each other this morning.

I could see that that would be
awkward for you with your family there, but...

Can you haul your
ass down here?

We could shoot the breeze,
shmooze, talk numbers.

What you have to do here,
Daniel, is take things in both hands

- and explore the envelope.
- Sure.

Because only by standing
a thing on its head,

and looking at it from all angles
in terms of management structure,

can we really work out
how things are sourced.

How a team can function
as a team.

And the way in which things
meld in as part of the mulch.

Right. So when do I get
to fire people?

Yes, a sense of humour
is important.

We'd like to see
Daniel Slippery, please.

Friends of yours?

No.

It's just a little deal
I brought with me.

You can never tell who's
the major player now.

In the old days
they all wore suits.

Do I have your permission
to rip them off?

You're gonna fit in here
very well, Daniel.

I wasn't smoking!

No...

It's just you're not supposed to
be here between ten and one.

I know. But where am I
gonna go?

Used to go to the public library.
They've got comfy chairs.

I think I've never been
to a public library.

Well, they were big in the 60's.

So what got you into
looking after deadbeats like me?

Don't tell me.
You want to help people.

You're wasting your time,
my friend. Help yourself.

If you don't,
they'll kick you to death!

Smoke?

Yes. No!

Maybe.

I'm not good at helping myself.

I let my brother
sleep with my girlfriend.

Shame. Still, plenty more fish.
Has she got a sister?

She has, as a matter of fact.

What's she like?

Rather gorgeous.

Would she like to meet
an older man?

Hands off.

I've always sort of
had a thing for her, actually.

Why am I telling you this?
Why am I not talking to her?

I think you'll find
she knows already.

Julia Roberts!

Is someone winding me up?

Estelle rang, she's coming in
to see dr. Pilfrey.

- She's what?
- Stake out the ground,

live the life,
be the man.

Take the pills.

Pilfrey, can you explain
why you're dragging my wife into the surgery?

Dragging? I don't think
there was any dragging involved.

We have an understanding,
myself and your lovely wife.

She sends me
the sweetest emails.

She does not.

Okay. She doesn't.

I made it up.
Crazy old me.

"Crazy"
"Crazy for me"

- Who's the kid?
- No idea.

Well, he just walked in here,
he sat down as cool as you like...

It's him.

Who?

The inspector,
check out the file.

He's a child!

Exactly.

It's like policemen.

Look at that suit.
That's an NHS suit, all right.

But why didn't he say
who he was?

He's probably incognito.

Just to keep us on our toes.

- Don't we tell the others?
- No! No.

I'll handle this.

Hi.

- I'm Ronnie Pilfrey, G.P.
- Hi.

What do you think of it all?

It's fine.

Would you like a cup of coffee,
a latte, a biscuit?

Something stronger?
Would you like to see my consulting room?

- Not particularly...
- I can show you my stuff.

I know who you are.

You do?

Oh, yes.
I know your number.

Very sly, my friend,
very, very sly.

Look, when I sent you
those emails...

Have you been
sending me emails?

I'm so... I'm so sorry,
I didn't... I didn't get them.

I'm so sorry
I didn't respond to them,

so, so, so sorry.

Do you mind if I say this?

Not at all.

You're awfully young
to be an NHS inspector.

We're getting younger.

You know, the whole thinking behind it
is to get younger and younger people.

You know, old people...
hopeless.

Hopeless, indeed.
Old people. Hopeless!

Get rid of them all!

Would you like to
come into my consulting room?

- We can talk!
- I'd love that, yeah.

Yes, please.

Candles. Nice touch.

They're therapeutic.

I pay for them myself!

Unlike some people around here,
I'm intensely aware of the need

to cut back on every aspect
of spending.

I see.

You see, my partner...
Paul Slippery...

He's flakey. Very flakey.
His drug budgets are...

...way, way over.

Are they?

Course thinking on
that issue's changing.

On the highest level.

- Yeah?
- It is.

Some are saying:

"Let the patients go out
and buy their own drugs, dude!

Don't subsidise them at all!

Don't even advise them
on which ones to buy!

What's the internet for?"
You know what I mean?

- Indeed, dude.
- Other state of view,

the NHS shouldn't get involved
in drugs at all.

Why is that?

Drugs are bad.
Just say no.

Excuse me.

- Hi.
- Hi, Edwin, it's me.

I'm here with Jim,
my relationship counsellor,

he's been married four times,
he should know.

- Hi!
- Jim says hi.

Hi, Jim.

Look, I'm trying
to track down Lucy.

I wouldn't normally say this to you,
but I really need to see Lucy,

- not Laura.
- Tell Laura you love her.

Tell Laura I love her!

She went to see Dan
at management consultance.

Kick his arse.

Brutality, man.
It's the only way.

Cheers.

- Brutality, you're so right.
- I am. I'm damn right.

What's your flow, you know?

How's your structure organised?

How do you balance your internal
from your external?

Do we really need hospitals?

I'm not sure.

Think about it.

I'm gonna take a look around.
Mingle with the patients.

Be here,
but not be here.

Good manager, invisible.

Hi!

- How's it going?
- All right.

- Oh, NHS bullshit.
- Bullshit, NHS.

Thanks a lot for that.
I'm just gonna do some admin,

and then we'll go
straight for lunch.

That's cool, I guess
I could just hang out here.

What were you doing down there?

I was just in Pilfrey's office,
you know, setting a few things straight.

- Okay. Two seconds.
- Cool.

Is there anything else
I can show you?

I'd like to visit
the lavatory.

You won't be disappointed,
it's inspected regularly.

I personally check
the bowl hourly.

Our hand towels, they're conformed
to British standard...

- Just there.
- Thanks.

Hey, baby!

It's me. It's me.

And I'm ready to rock.

- Obviously.
- Come, fly with me!

- So you're here...
- To see me.

Because I drag her in.

Watch that inspector!

He's gonna come down
very hard on our loo.

So...

- Here you are.
- Here I am.

I've got a business meeting.

Business meeting.
Very important.

Yes, it is important,
actually.

You've been answering
Pilfrey's emails!

What?

I haven't been answering
Pilfrey's emails!

What makes you think
I sent him emails?

- What emails?
- Nothing, old son. Nothing.

No, I understand.

It's fine,
it's absolutely fine.

You want to see Pilfrey,
and maybe you'll fit me in for lunch.

Or maybe you won't!

- Why are you being like this?
- Like what?

A sort of hurt dog.

Well, maybe I just feel
a little bit hurt.

A little bit old
and unloved.

What are you going on about?

You have a nice meeting with Pilfrey.

We'll be in the Ten Chao Wai.

Only if you got time,
obviously.

Look, guys...

- What?
- What?

The thing is... Pilfrey...

Ah, nothing.
Let's go. See ya.

Have a good business meeting!

Hello, Estelle!
How's work?

Hi, it's fine, that's why I'm here.
Pilfrey is work.

Are you finding him
another job?

I don't know if anyone
wants the little rat.

Shall I write him
a glowing reference?

- Hey, baby!
- Hello.

- Husband's all gone?
- Uhm, yes.

Come into my parlour.

- Sorry?
- Enter my space!

- Your...?
- My room! My room.

Surinder!

The inspector's already here,
so watch that pretty little arse of yours.

"She loves you,
yeah yeah yeah"

"She loves you,
yeah yeah yeah"

Shouldn't you be
getting back to work?

It is work, isn't it?

Lucy feels her position
needs to be made clear.

She knows she was
away a long time,

she's been incredibly forgiving
to me about what went on.

She just doesn't feel
she can carry on going out with you

while you're sleeping with me.

And what do you feel, Laura?

Laura feels really
bad about it,

she feels really guilty
and she feels like she's let me down.

So you speak for each
other now, do you?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

No one care how I feel?

- No.
- No.

Kung Pao chicken,
Moo shu pork,

some Gate of Heaven prawns,
sizzling beef slices,

two portions of fried rice,

and fish in butter with
broccoli and ginger, please.

Yeah, I'll have
what he's having.

You okay?

Yeah, fine.
It's just that...

I never seem to see
Estelle anymore.

And when I do see her...

I just get paranoid.

Pilfrey says she's been
sending him emails.

- Look, dad...
- How about jellyfish?

Jellyfish? No, thanks.

No. Hold the jellyfish.

Still, Edwin...

At least I can count on you.

To do the right thing.

What do you think
about my little domain?

Yes, very nice.

So glad you like it.

This is where I hang out
under my "Feng", as it were.

I put my feet up,
prepare the computer, I think.

And see patients, presumably?

Let's not talk
about patients, Estelle.

Let's talk about something
a lot dearer and dearer to both our hearts.

Carreers.

Naughty Estelle!
Naughty, naughty!

Naughty-tees.

"She was a day tripper"

- "One"...
- "One way ticket".

"One way ticket", yeah!

This is the real me.

Oh.

Socks.

You bet your sweet life, socks.

Socks! Socks! Socks!
Socks, socks, socks!

"Our involvement has threatened
to shake my marriage to Paul"?

"He is old and tired, Ronnie,
you are young and vibrant!"

Sorry?

Do you know
who you are dealing with?

Have you any idea
what I'm capable of?

Yes.

Top executive position,
80k plus car.

Look.

I feel closely connected
to both of you.

I don't deny that I'm
still drawn to you, Luce,

but I know why you've gotta do
what you've gotta do.

Yeah, Lucy's not got to
do it with you.

Yes, I think we've already
established that, babe.

Maybe I should get
back to work.

We haven't talked about Rory.

- We have to?
- Well yeah, cause he's just walked in.

- Hi.
- Hey, Rory.

Hi.

Just thought I'd come over
and see you guys.

Oh, that's really nice.

I'm really glad.
It's always really nice to see you.

Rosie, is... is Estelle
still here?

Yeah, she's in with dr. Pilfrey.

See? She'd rather be with Pilfrey
than with us.

Dad, please, get it together!

- She loves you!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm being serious!

What's the password
to her email then?

Barcelona.

Your honeymoon.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Edwin... How do you know
Estelle's email password?

Does that really matter?

Have you been sending emails
on Estelle's behalf?

And are they
in a broad sense... hormonal?

Edwin, I'm gonna have
some very serious words with you.

Words like...

"Well" and "done",

and "good" and "on" and "you".

Let's... let's...

- Did you see that?
- What?

That! He hugged him!

Why shouldn't he? They used to
sleep together when he was younger.

- Excuse me.
- Beat it, surgery's nine to one.

- He did what?
- My name's Louis.

I've come to inspect
the practice.

You come in twos
these days, do you?

I'm sorry?

I suppose there has to be
some safe card if only to keep people

like my collegue over there
from having sex with you.

Dr. Pilfrey!

You know what I'm talking about,
Estelle, you saw it too!

I haven't the faintest idea
what you're going on about!

You haven't made any kind of sense
since I got here!

I will be in my consulting room
if you want me.

I suppose you and dr. Slippery
and that young poofter friend of yours

have got it all sewn up anyway.

I never realised that Paul
had that side to his nature.

Well, I suppose we're all
as God made us.

But I think that I'm beginning
to understand

why you sent me that email.

It was a cry for help,
wasn't it?

I thrill to the secrecy
of what we have between us.

You used me to give you solice
from a loveless marriage.

But what is there now, Estelle?
What is there now?

Is he allright?

Not completely, no.

Would you excuse me a moment?
I just need to talk to my wife.

Edwin has been a very,
very naughty boy.

He has! Of course, that's why
Pilfrey thought I was coming onto him!

For a moment
I thought you were, too.

For God's sake, Paul,
we've been married forever,

how could you possible believe
I'd allow a creep

like Pilfrey to come onto me?

I don't know how I could believe it,
either, but believe I did.

You always were capable of believing
six impossible things before breakfast.

I suppose I still find it impossible to think
that you still love me after all this time.

Although...

You appear to do so.

Right, now I'm gonna go
and tell Pilfrey

that the sexy woman who has been
sending him these emails

is, in fact, Edwin.

I'm sure he won't have
a problem with that.

Listen, I've been talking
to your colleague...

- Dr. Pilfrey...
- It's okay, it's okay.

Yeah, I know, I take the point.
You have no colleague.

No one was here. There's no
such thing as an NHS mole.

No teenage secret agent.
We're not watched.

Of course we're not.

No, you're not!

Straight bat, straight bat,
I like your style!

You can level with me.

You send in a spy
to ferret around.

A hard-ass. It's okay,
I can live with that!

And I hear the new line is
we all have to spend

as much on our drug budgets
as we possibly can.

I wouldn't exactly say that...

I eat your word.
I know the rules.

Enough said.
Enough said.

Will you excuse me a moment,
dr. Pilfrey?

Surely, surely.

You know, earlier on, when I said
that your young colleague was a poofter,

that was just...
it's an expression.

No offence.

No offence.

It's not a word I like particularly.

When you've lived very happily
with another man in a loving relationship,

for 16 years, it's the sort of word
that makes you a bit tired,

but, you know...
fair enough.

Fair enough.

Well, what news?

I think dr. Pilfrey
is a little stressed.

He seems fixated on the fact
that I have a colleague.

You have! It was a young man,
waiting for Paul with a health authority file.

In a suit? Bit of a charity
shop number?

- That's him.
- Rosie, that was Edwin!

Didn't you recognise him?

Pilfrey...

I don't know how
to put this, but I...

I think it's possible that you may
just have mistaken my youngest son

for an NHS inspector.

It's easily done because
he had the file and...

Aren't you a tiny bit amused?

It is quite funny, Ronnie.

Is it?

He's only just old enough
to drive a car.

I think you'll find
there are fairly hefty penalties

for impersonating a member
of the National Health Service.

Come on, Ronnie.

It was just a case
of mistaken identity.

You've three sons, don't you?

I do.

And you bring them all up
to be smug, antisocial bastards?

Now look here, Pilfrey...

What is that ridiculous gesture
supposed to mean?

Ask your wife. She seems
to rather like my ridiculous hand gestures.

What on earth is the matter, Pilfrey?

Ask her about her emails,
Mr. Smuck.

Now, look, Ronnie,
you may wanna sit down here...

You see, the thing is I've always
tried to bring up my boys...

Stop going on about your boys!

One of the things I hate
most about you

is your horribly cosy little family

where you're all the wonderful
caring and sharing and little...

- All right, you little twerp...
- Stop it, you two, just stop it!

I win.
You lose.

I think you're not
a well man, Pilfrey.

Pilfrey not happy.

Pilfrey's not a happy Pilfrey.

Everyone hates Pilfrey.

Weep for Pilfrey.

Weep for Ronald Evershot Pilfrey.

So that's what the E stands for.

So what happened then?

Did the men in white coats turn up
and stick him in a bin?

We do not have
men in white coats, Edwin.

It's women now.
Equal coat opportunities.

Then he cried.

It was really quite shocking.

I mean God knows,
Pilfrey's been the bane of my life

and Estelle's, come to that,
but you never see the chap cry.

I felt bad about it really.

- Why did you feel bad?
- Because I should've seen it coming.

He had all the classic signs
of hypomania,

euphoria turning to rage,
high energy level, loss of judgement...

Of course, he fancied me.

- That's not what I meant.
- No, no, I know I'm past my prime.

No, I think you look stunning, Estelle.

When I'm really old,
I hope I'll look like you.

Thank you, Lucy.

Anyway, the point is
the man needed help.

He kept talking about
how lonely he was.

- Where are you going?
- Tell them to turn it down.

For God's sake, Paul.

What? I've gotta get up
in the morning.

Can you turn it down, please?

You're not the only one who's gotta
get up. I've got a job too, you know.

No, I know.
You're very professional.

Oh. Thank you very much.

Feel free to patronise me
anytime you want.

I didn't mean to patronise you,
it's just...

I can now remember exactly
when it was that we last had sex.

- When?
- 1392.

Oh, for God's sake, Paul,
you've gotta do something.

Rip my clothes off, anything.

But you've already
taken them off.

I can't think about sex
with this bloody music!

Well...

Let's play our own music!

Come on, let's dance.

Relax, I want you
to be stimulated by me!

Well, I can't be relaxed
and stimulated, can I?

Turn that music down, please!
Someone's gotta work tomorrow!

Yeah, right, sorry.
Sorry.

Yes, I know, I should've knocked,
cause you could've been...