Flowers (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

From a weird reverie
of dark revelation,

Mr Grubb woke up with
a strange sensation.

Slipping out through the crack
at the back of the lair,

trudging out through the muck
and the thick, misted air,

where the collywobblers
warbled their sinister call

and the dinglebaggles scurried
on jittery claws,

his ghostly breath
mixing in with the fog,

he plonked himself down
on a damp, mossy log.

But then in the sludge,
just a few feet away,

Mr Grubb saw a plant
that was quite out of place.

A single buttercup
in a pile of faeces.



Mr Grubb tore it up
into a thousand pieces.

For fuck's sake.

Here we go.
Morning!

Hard-working boys.
That's what I like to see.

Brought us a nice brew,
Mrs Flower?

Cheeky,
what makes you say that?

Yes, I have,
you little sneaks.

Thanks, Mrs Flower. Nice.

Morning, Deborah.

Gosh, you're like
a pack of wolves.

Morning, Deborah.

Morning, Barry.

Tommy, haven't you
got big hands.

You look radiant
this morning.



Come on, young Ryan,
so handsome.

So, she's got you
building a wall now.

Yeah, it doesn't seem
necessary to me, personally.

But what Mrs Beckett wants,
Mrs Beckett gets.

Why has she got you to start it
right here, right next to our garden?

We don't make the decisions.
We just do as she says.

Dredge the pond,
kill the chickens...

Okay, well, nice to
see you boys, bye-bye.

Lovely cakes,
Mrs Flower.

Filthy. I'll have to take
out a restraining order.

See you later.

Big pile of wood.

Blood.

Are you all right,
Deborah?

Way too morose.
Yeah, I mean, it's for kids.

I understand.
It is for kids, yes.

I'll lighten up chapter one,

and maybe the fart pigeons are
better than the collywobblers, yeah.

How's Shun?

Shun has been getting on
with the illustrations, yes.

And, as I say,
obviously, I do have a plot,

it's just when you suddenly say,
"Can you tell me what it is?"

I need to see something
by next week.

Next week?
Not a problem.

Okay.
Okay.

Bye.
Yeah, thanks for your help.

Thanks. Bye.
Bye.

Mr Flowers.
Thank you, Shun.

You don't have to bow.

Miso soup.

Me so grateful.

Very good. Very powerful.

Yes. Idea for comic book.

Tarantula Woman.
Tarantula Woman.

Mr Gay.
Mr Gay.

And that's his erection?

Yes, of course, Mr Gay is always have erection.

His weakness, actually.
Very sensitive.

Tarantula Woman is try
have sex with a lot of gay guy.

Mr Gay protect.

"Go away, Tarantula Woman!
Have sex with hetero guy!

"Gay power!"

Gay power.
Good morning!

Mrs Flowers.

Hello, Shun.
Yes, exactly.

Mrs Flowers, your leg!

Please don't mind.
Can I have a word? Please. Please.

Yeah.
Thank you.

Probably she has to
take a magic potion

for make fantastic
face so beautiful.

Thank you, Shun.

Actually,
don't worry about that.

No problem.

Leg so big, Mrs Flowers.
Strong!

Very big leg.

Thank you, sorry.
Actually, do you mind?

No problem.

No. Do you mind?
As in, leaving?

All finished.

I will make food
for anniversary!

Very delicious,
very clever.

Good luck.
See you in a mo.

Thank you.
Yes, in a mo, that's right.

His English is coming on, isn't it? Yeah.

Let's go!
Anniversary party!

It's lovely that you two
are such good friends.

Happy anniversary.

Yes, happy anniversary
to you, too.

That's what I wanted to
talk to you about, actually.

I assume we won't be going ahead with
the party, now that no one is coming.

Actually, I was thinking,

and it's no big deal,
obviously, but there are

still some people
we haven't asked yet.

The Becketts, for example.

The Becketts are racists.

Or Martin then, or that man,
Bill, who used to come around.

Bill.

The postman?

Yes, he was the postman,
wasn't he? You're right.

I think so, yeah. I just thought we should try to...

I mean, for the twins,
or for your mother's sake.

My mother thinks everyone
is a plumber called James.

So you're saying
you'd prefer not to bother.

No, I'm just saying that it
might be overall less stressful

if we didn't invite some racists
and a postman to our house.

So you'd prefer not to?

I'm not saying that.

We've done such a good job
with the twins, haven't we?

I mean, it's a good sign they still want
to live at home even though they're 25.

I mean, we're good parents,
aren't we?

Yes. Yes, we are.

I, for one, am very happy with our
sexual freedom that we both have.

And, I mean, I'm really
making the most of it.

Seriously "for," you know.

We don't want to be too happy. We're not mad.

But, you know,
on the other hand,

also, you can't have too much of
a good thing, by which I mean joy.

So you want me to see who else
is around who we missed out?

Thank you, Maurice.

And I know we don't usually,
but I thought for a change.

Sorry.

No, thank you.

"No, thank you." Sorry, I thought... No.

Don't apologise. Yes,
thank you for the present.

I see, right.
Great.

Thoughtful. Shall I?
No.

Don't bother, I'd throw it away. It's rubbish.

And a free DVD.

Yeah, I thought you'd find
it funny because of his tie.

Yeah. Yeah.

I hope you didn't
get me anything.

No. I didn't want to...

Of course
I got you something.

Got you. I got you this.
Maurice, you didn't have to.

Goodness.
It's for me?

Yeah.

Did you get Shun to...

Yeah, I commissioned
Shun to do it.

I like how her
breasts and his...

Yeah, I thought you
might enjoy the...

The penis.

Yeah.

Wow, and it just
goes to show

what an exciting place we're at. Yes.

You know, that we can get each
other such challenging gifts.

That's right.

And it shows how open-minded we are about sex.

Art. Art. Art. That's what I mean. Art.

Goodness, that'll be Hugo,
he's been quite peculiar since the divorce.

Mrs Flowers!
Trombonist is here!

Yes, thank you, Shun. Coming!

You not like?

Oh, no, I do like. I love it. And I love you, Shun.

Do I? Yes, why not.

I love you, obviously.
I make coffee!

Hello, Hugo. How are we?

I don't want to play
trombone, I'm sad.

Oh, dear. Well,
let's try some sight reading, shall we?

See if we can
cheer you up a bit.

Sorry, Deborah.

No, don't worry.
He's probably just upset about your divorce.

Thanks.

Abigail. Abigail.
Abigail. Abigail. Abigail!

Hi, Donald.

What are you doing?

Going for a run.

Cool. Yeah, nice one.

I'm just tweaking
the design of a new invention.

Then I'm heading into town
to buy shitloads of cheese.

We're having a party, later,
if you want to come.

Parents' anniversary.

Funny coincidence, us bumping into
each other here, don't you think?

It's the third time
this week.

What do you think it means?

Destiny.

Milk, milk, milk...

Donald!

High five, we are friends!
Get away from me.

You should try
making a real coffee.

Use my Ubercaf.
Eight times the strength

of a normal coffee,
half the beans.

Yeah.

Gourmet.

Very good, Donald.

Mr Flowers.
Creamy.

I'll have one of
those in a sec.

You should try
my Ubercaf, Dad.

Sent the design off a few months ago,
just waiting to hear back.

No, thanks, Donald.

I'm just going to have a
normal coffee, if it's all right.

What's this?

It's my Fromage
Fumigating Fondue Machine.

Very good. Little bit big for
the table, if you could move it.

Why is the tree broken?

Probably Amy climbing up it or something.

"Look at me, I'm in a tree,
I'm so weird." Yeah, well, guess what?

You're also fat,
because the tree is broken.

Can you check
she's had her breakfast?

Why?
Because sometimes she forgets.

Fucking nepotism.

That doesn't
make sense, Donald.

Well, good.
She doesn't make sense.

Bloody hell, Nana.

Morning.
James.

How are the pipes?

Fine. Thank you.

Is that the dulcet tones
of Martin Webster?

It isn't?

Sorry.

Banana.

Abigail.

Abigail.

What are you doing?

Go away.
What's that?

Nothing. Go away.

Godiva!

Not going to work
this time, I'm afraid.

I'm ready for it.
I'll punch it in the beak.

Right.
I'm telling Mum and Dad.

It's not appropriate
for you to have a medieval...

What the fuck
are you doing?

You don't shoot family!
Everyone knows that!

This room is a disgrace.
Here, look.

Use my mobile vacuum cleaner.
No one likes a squalid woman.

You just taped a dust buster
to a toy car.

Yeah, well, it's better than
anything you could make.

Why aren't you
a millionaire yet, then?

Why haven't you had your
exorcism yet then, freak?

Nana Grubb skulked through
the sludge and the dirt,

the solitary witness
of Mr Grubb's hurt.

She gathered the petals
and hid them from sight,

the buttercup fragments
of Mr Grubb's plight.

So Billy and Bella
and dear Mrs Grubb

would not know his madness,
but only his love.

Hey, Nana.

James.

Come on, Hugo,
let's get out of the toilet

and do a few scales
before Mommy gets back.

Bad news, I'm afraid.

No one's free.

No, really?
Yeah.

What are they all doing?

Well, various things,
obviously.

Well, what are
they variously doing?

You want me to list all the things they're doing?

Well, tell me
one of them at least.

Martin's in a coma.

Right.

So, yeah.
Thank you.

Let's just do it anyway.

Have a party
without any guests?

Well, I could ask George,
couldn't I?

And Abigail.
Yes. He's very funny.

Is he?
He's hilarious.

And very handsome.

Yeah, I suppose he is, yeah.

And I could ask
the lovely builders.

They're not even our builders,
so that's going to be a bit sinister, isn't it?

Well, it's all about
having fun, Maurice.

We need to have fun,
it bleeds into the psyche.

I mean, look.

Emotional stress
and confusion and divorce.

At the rate he's going,
he's going to turn out a murderer.

Or a solicitor.
So...

Are we doing
all this for Hugo?

No, we're not.
We're doing it for us!

I'm just using
Hugo as an example

of how parents can
fuck up their children.

Finished.
Hello.

Hugo, but that is
very naughty.

But also,
I hope you're all right.

Just remember, it's not your parents' fault.

I mean, it's your fault.
No, it's not your fault.

It's not your fault
that your parents...

Sorry.

That could be Barbara.

Why don't you ask if Barbara
and Hugo want to come tonight?

It might cheer her up a bit.
Okay.

And you could ask George,
as well.

No, you can ask him.

Sweetie, don't.
You be careful.

You don't want to
lose me to him.

Right.

Let's clear this up,
shall we?

Must have been a big poo!

Looks like
a clever machine, Donald.

Saying something that
makes sense for once, Shun.

It's a Fumigating
Fondue Machine,

a device I've created for
smoking and melting cheese.

Fondue machines already exist.

Yes, but if you listen to the
actual name of the invention

instead of being
a fat pedant ignoramus,

you'd notice I called it
a "Fumigating Fondue Machine,"

i.e., it smokes the cheese
at the same time.

Why don't you just
get smoked cheese?

Let's see whose laughing
when you're stuck here

writing pointless
depressing music

and I've bought myself
a whole tropical island.

Donald Island?

That's right, Shun.
Don't think you're coming. You're banned.

We'll have our own island anyway, won't we, Shun?

What should we call it?

I think maybe
Donald Island.

Fucking moron!

That's it, everyone.
Getting into the spirit of things.

So, George and Abigail
are coming

and I'm going to ask
the builders, too,

so it should be
a lovely evening.

What? Why are George
and Abigail coming?

Why's he coming?

George and Abigail are coming
because they're our neighbours.

And Shun is coming
because he's our...

Slave.
Japanese angel.

You like Abigail,
don't you, Donald?

She likes me,
more like.

It's embarrassing.

She asked if she could
come earlier, actually.

"Just play it cool, Abigail.
Stop being so keen."

Well, you are quite a catch,
I must say.

He looks about 40.
Well, you look dead, mate.

And some of those builder
lads are quite handsome, Amy.

So, you know,
no harm in making a bit of an effort.

Also you could be
friends with Abigail, too,

you know, if you just
lightened up a bit.

No. She's too weird.

That's why she'll die a lonely
spinster covered in moss

while I'm living it up
on Donald Island.

Oh, no, no, no.

Hey! Leave that alone!

Hugo loves the Grubbs books.

He thinks you're brilliant.

Nice for him to be around
a more stable family.

It's a work in progress,
you know, but we're getting there.

Come back here,
you horrid witch!

Stop it!
Stop it!

No, Shun! No judo!

Amy!

That's a valuable prototype!

Donald!
What the fuck is going on?

She's a psychopath!

Hello, boys!

What are you doing tonight?
We're going to have a little party.

Abigail, your ass
looks outstanding.

Shut up, Dad.

Hooray!

Hello, Deborah.

Hello.

Steady on.

You know I can't control
myself around you, Deborah.

The sexual tension
is just unbearable.

Hi, Deborah.
Hi.

He's hilarious,
your dad, isn't he?

Donald's inside.

I was given
a whole crate of this

as a thank you
for a new forehead.

New forehead. Fancy.

That could be me and you.

Hilarious. It's a present,
actually, from Maurice.

What are you cooking?

That's just
Donald's special cheese.

Smells like shit.

So, everyone, this is George.
He's a plastic surgeon.

And his daughter, Abigail,
who is training to be a very clever lawyer.

Abigail.
That's her real face.

I haven't touched it.

Maurice, how are you?

Yeah.

It's a bit quiet, isn't it?
Shall I get some music?

I can go and get some of my tapes, if you like.

No, Barry.
Don't want more jazz.

Perhaps Amy could
play something.

Dad.

Could be nice.

Okay, something lively, maybe.

I don't know
about everybody else,

but I'm in the mood
for a bloody boogie.

Boring!

Play some reggae,
for heaven's sake!

This is a jerky
made of beef.

Not now, thank you, Shun.
We're just drinking.

Thank you.

Congratulation.

Have you ever had
smoked cheese before?

No.
No?

I put a bit of gin in there.

Hello.
Hello.

Let's get rid of this,
shall we, James?

Maurice, shall we get your
mother down? She loves a party.

Deborah's a lovely lady,
isn't she?

Yes.

Such kind eyes.

Plus, she's the only person who can make
a cup of tea the way my Audrey used to.

My wife passed away a
couple of years ago, you see, so

I'm on me own now.

I wore this to her funeral.

Have you seen Hugo?
Wandered off, has he?

I'll go and have a look.

Okay, thanks, Maurice.

She's amazing, isn't she?

She had very bad
acne as a child.

As a child.

She basically went through
puberty at about seven.

Who's taller now?

Hugo?

Christ.

Is it a hangman's rope?

No.

She's just having a nap.

And that is...

That's a snake, actually.

It doesn't look
like a snake.

It's a magic snake.
It's a secret family snake.

Nice family.

Yes. Good father.

I just got divorced.

Had a fight about which
washing machine to get,

the seven kilogram load
or the nine kilogram.

Then we realised
we hated each other.

And that he was
sleeping with my dentist.

As a medical professional,
I just find you fascinating.

I mean, I almost want to take a
mould just to mount on my wall.

Goodness, stop it, George.

You're making me feel like
one of those glamour models.

Excuse me.

Cheer up, Barry!
So serious.

You don't seem to be showing
this lady much respect, sir.

The magic snake
is very special.

It means that
you're very lucky,

but you must never tell
anyone you've seen it.

Or

you will be cursed.

Terrible things
will happen.

Worse than divorce?

Much worse.

But if you keep it a secret,
a wish will come true.

Will my daddy come back?

Yes, yes, he will, but only if you keep it a secret.

Now, off you go.
And remember, secret snake.

Okay.

Mr Flowers,
he love children.

Hugo is the perfect
size for him.

He's quite small,
isn't he?

He'll make him laugh.

There you are!

I wanna go home.

She is breathing.

It just...

Sounds a bit strange.

This lady is beautiful,
kind, intelligent...

And probably
very naughty in bed.

Now, stop it!

Maybe you should think
twice before talking like that.

Yes, maybe you
should think twice

before eating so many cakes, you fat shit.

Goodness, George!

All this testosterone flying
around, I might get pregnant!

Fucking boring, mate!

Well, just keep
your language down.

Does anyone remember
the happy song?

If I play it,
you can sing it!

Nobody can be cross
with the happy song playing.

Fucking hell!

I know how to
make Daddy come back.

Hugo, Daddy's not
coming back.

The magic snake.

I think my mother's
about to die.