Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 2, Episode 6 - Love Is a Weapon of Choice - full transcript

Bret and Jemaine both fall for a woman whose missing dog has epilepsy, triggering a duel, a canine benefit, and a couple of new tunes.

Jemaine, who am I?

- "Do it now!"
- Your mom.

Okay, who am I?
"Oh, hello, Bret."

- That's my mom.
- Oh yeah.

Okay, who's this?
Aaah!

Aaah.

Victoria.

- Victoria?
- Victoria, yeah.

- Victoria who?
- Bartosh.

Oh, yes.
That sounds like her.

Who am I this time?



- Charlie!
- Who's that?

- Charlie! Charlie!
- Oh. Oh.

I've got a cramp.

You guys haven't seen a dog
running through here, have you?

- A dog?
- What kind of dog is it?

It's a yorkshire terrier.
His name's Charlie.

- Just a four-legged kind of... -
he can't have gone far. On foot?

Yes, we had a disagreement
and he ran out.

I'm just really worried.
He has canine epilepsy.

- Terrible affliction.
- Poor Charlie.

I'm Barbara, by the way.

- Jemaine.
- Bret.

Great. Well, if you see him,
I'll be walking around.

- So, um, thanks.
- Yeah, okay.



Thank you very much.
Okay, bye.

? I think I've fallen in love
with a girl, I'm serious ?

? that's great news, Bret ?

? tell me about that girl
that's so serious ?

? well, I don't really
know her ?

? that don't sound
so serious ?

? it's serious,
I'm delirious ?

- ? sounds serious ?
- ? yeah ?

? that's cool,
I met a new girl too ?

- ? have you? ?
- ? yeah ?

? one of those girls
you met on the net? ?

- ? no, we really met ?
- ? that's great news ?

? what's she like?
What does she do? ?

? all I know, dawg, is that
she's careless with her dog ?

? I'm not sure what she does,
except she makes me want her ?

? she makes me want to
get on top of her ?

? that sounds great, man,
that sounds great ?

- ? hey, wait ?
- ? what? ?

? maybe I'm crazy, but when
did you meet this lady? ?

- ? just then ?
- ? when? ?

- ? then, right then ?
- ? right then? ?

- ? where? ?
- ? there ?

- ? over there? ?
- ? over there ?

- ? over there there? ?
- ? over there there then ?

- ? just now? ?
- ? just now ?

? how's you meet your lady? ?

? I was going for a jog
and she w a dog ?

? I was running in the air,
she lost a terrier ?

? was this about
20 seconds ago? ?

? no, about
23 seconds ago ?

? whoa whoa, oh no ?

- ? oh no ?
- ? oh no, oh no ?

? no no what? ?

? are you thinking
what I'm thinking? ?

? no, I'm thinking
what I'm thinking ?

? so you're not thinking
what I'm thinking?

? no, 'cause you're thinking I'm
thinking what you're thinking ?

? are you talking
about a girl ?

- ? with a beautiful smile? ?
- ? yeah ?

- ? like strawberry wine? ?
- ? yeah yeah ?

- ? blueberry tracksuit pants ?
- ? white chocolate skin ?

- ? and socks? ?
- ? that sounds like her ?

? hang on a minute,
stop the track ?

? Eugene, stop the track ?

? do you mean the girl who came up to
us when we were running in the park ?

? just now and she was looking
for her epileptic dog? ?

? yeah, that's the girl ?

- ? was her name brahbrah? ?
- ? no, I think it was Barbara ?

- ? her name was brahbrah ?
- ? it was Barbara ?

? there's no such name
as brahbrah ?

- ? it's brahbrah ?
- ? it's Barbara ?

- ? it was brahbrah ?
- ? Barbara ?

- ? brahbrah, brahbrah ?
- ? Barbara, Barbara ?

? Bret, she was
looking at me ?

? no, she was
looking at me ?

? Bret, she was
looking at me ?

? she had her eye
on my knee ?

? dawg, I'm sorry, she
had her eye on my guns ?

? oh, you're loco, she
was checking out my buns ?

? no, bro, she had
an eye on me ?

? she had an eye on me ?

? how could she have
an eye on both of us? ?

? wait a minute, you talking
about the girl with the lazy eye? ?

? I think she might have
had a slightly lazy eye ?

? we're both in love with the sexy
lady with the eye that's lazy ?

? the girl that's fly
with the wonky eye ?

? she's smoking with an eye
that's broken ?

? I think it's hot the way
she looks left a lot ?

- ? yeah yeah ?
- ? yeah yeah ?

? we're both in love with the sexy
lady with the eye that's lazy ?

? the girl that's fly
with the wonky eye... ?

no no, that's not him.

- What about this one?
- No.

- What about this one here? Charlie.
- No.

You see this one?
He seems to recognize you.

Nope, that's not him.

That's him.
No? It's not him?

- None of these are him.
- You don't want these ones?

You know what? If I
don't find Charlie or...

you can have
all of these ones.

You guys are so sweet.
Thank you so much.

- No problem.
- Where did you get all these dogs?

- Just people had them.
- These are just lost terriers.

- Oh.
- So I grabbed them.

- I thought, "oh, they might be Charlie."
- I just got these.

- Right. Thank you, to both of you.
- Just helping you out.

- Oh, I ha a picture of ch.
- That would help, yeah.

- That's Charlie.
- Oh, cute.

All right, so he's more
of a cat than a dog.

No no.

He's in a kitten costume.
It was for a party.

- Oh right, a halloween party.
- That's really cute.

No, it was a kitten party.

They didn't allow dogs.

You dressed your dog
as a cat?

Yeah, no dogs allowed, so it was
the only way I could sneak him in.

- It's a great disguise
- thanks.

Oh, you know what? Let me give
you my number just in case.

- That would be great.
- Is that okay?

- We'll grab some dinner or something.
- Great.

- Just call me anytime.
- Yeah, okay.

- Okay.
- Great to see you.

- Thanks, bye.
- See ya.

All right, just some
notes from the last gig.

- Jemaine, you had great stage presence.
- Thank you.

Fantastic.
Bret...

no stage presence,
unfortunately.

The last gig?
I didn't do that gig,

exactly. Okay, you've
got to turn up to the gig.

Yeah, well, that's not
really stage presence.

- Where were you?
- I was at jazzercise.

- Jazzercise?
- I told you I couldn't come to that gig.

What are you organizing
your jazzercise events for

during gig times?

Yeah, that was a bit of a clash.
It doesn't normally happen.

You should organize your
jazzercise for a different day.

Is it because you've already
paid for your membership

and you've got these
classes sorted?

Yeah, I paid for five
and I got six classes.

And you've got to go to them? Okay.

- So why aren't you going to these classes?
- We had a gig, didn't we?

Of course.
That's why he's not there.

I know. It's a shame,
'cause he would love it.

It's a shame
that they clash,

because these classes
sound fun.

Okay, item two.
This is the final item here.

Song ideas.

- Yes, I've had a song idea.
- Oh, yes.

- Have you?
- I have, yup.

- Both of you?
- Yes.

Wow. That time
of the year again.

Let's have a look.
Now two years ago

we had Jemaine... forest.
You had a forest idea.

- Don't remember.
- And Bret...

- "I wish I was a tree."
- Yeah, still working on that.

Quite similar to
the forest idea.

And then last year sailing
from you, Jemaine.

No, still finishing
that one.

Yeah? It's been
nearly a year now.

- Well, I don't know anything about sailing.
- Okay.

Bret, nothing
from you last year.

- I didn't do much last year.
- Yeah?

It's good to have you back
onboard this year with an idea.

- So what is it?
- It's a song about...

pepileptic dogs.

- Epileptic dogs.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Mine's about dogs
with epilepsy.

So you're both writing songs
about epileptic dogs?

Well, either way
you look at it

it's quite a complicated
subject, isn't it?

- Well, it's... - why don't
you stick to your sailing idea?

- Yeah.
- By the way, if you're gonna have two songs this year,

which is great, why don't you
have two different songs?

You've got
epileptic dogs, Bret,

why don't you try
something different?

- Well, because...
- how about sailing dogs?

This is something
I care about.

- I want to get this message out there.
- Risky.

Just to let you know,
the top bands,

they have their songs here and
their political messages over here.

Okay?
Not together.

'Cause then you'll end up
alienating half your fan base.

Yeah, but we're trying
to raise awareness

for these poor
epileptic dogs.

My point is, if you were
to say record a song

that was anti-aids,
for example,

then you'd end up alienating all
those people that are pro-aids.

How many people do you
know who are pro-aids?

No one's pro-aids.

Greg, just a quick
question, please.

Greg, are you pro
or anti-aids?

- Anti.
- Anti?

Okay, can you do a quick
whiz around the office

and just see
if anyone's pro?

All right, do you want
me to... anybody pro-aids?

I think you'll find most
people are anti-aids.

Well, he's... that's one.
One for anti.

- What would you be?
- I would be anti-aids.

Okay. You'd be pro, would you?

- I'm anti.
- You're anti?

Well, we don't have time
to do a proper survey now.

Let's not get all
bogged down on aids.

- What were we talking about?
- Epileptic dogs.

- Oh yeah, right.
- A charity recording.

Well, if toby ever had
that, I'd like to think

that I tried my best for him. You know?

So maybe we should do this.
Yeah?

- Yes. Let's do it.
- Let's do it to it.

? there's a dog
named Charlie ?

? a little lady
who missed him ?

? Charlie had
a little disorder ?

? of his nervous system,
talking about the thyroid ?

? ooh... ?

? if your little dog's
problems continue to persist ?

? then you may wish to see
a canine neurologist ?

? I'm talking about
canine pepilepsy... ?

hello, Bret speaking.

Hey, brahbrah.
Thanks for calling back.

Yeah, I was just wondering
if you might like

to grab dinner sometime.

Okay, tonight?
7:00?

Cool. Okay.

Yes.

Barbara, oh, hello.

Yeah, I was wondering if you'd
like to get dinner around 7:00.

Oh, really?

What are you doing?

Could you get out of it?

How about 8:00?
That's perfect.

What about 7:30?
Okay, 8:00.

All right.
Bye.

I brought some photos
like I said I would.

This is Charlie in his
cheerleading outfit.

Oh, that's cute.
Is he a good cheerleader?

He's great. He can make a
c and an I with his body.

- So you tell me.
- Sounds good.

Oh, and this is Charlie
in his pumpkin costume.

Halloween?

- No, it was for a gourd party.
- Good.

Um, this is, um...

that's his enemy.

- He has an enemy?
- Yes. I am trying to find him.

- He goes by the name of se?or.
- I'll keep an eye out for him

- 'cause he could be an important lead.
- I'll find him.

Hey, brahbrah, did I tell you
that I've written you a song?

- No.
- I didn't?

Yes, for you
and also for Charlie.

It's about
canine pepilepsy

and how that, you know,
affects dogs.

I just hope that
it raises awareness.

That is amazing. Is Jemaine
working on it with you?

- Who?
- Jemaine.

Your friend.
The other guy.

- Oh, Jemaine?
- Yeah.

Oh, probably not.

He seems like a really
interesting guy.

Well, people think that,
but he's not.

He seems smart too,
with his glasses.

- Oh, you like the glasses?
- Yeah.

Yeah, they make him look
smart, but he's not smart.

He wears those because
he has weak vision.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Hey, speak of the devil.
- As an angel might say.

Jemaine,
you're 15 minutes early.

That's okay. I'm fine
with... I'm just gonna wait.

I mean, I don't mind
is Jemaine joins us.

I would prefer... I'd just
feel... I've got 15 minutes left.

Well, we can spend 15 minutes
together another time.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay, I'll see you
again soon.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- See you again soon.
- Okay.

See ya, Bret.
I brought you flowers.

He seems so sweet.
So nice.

He must have been acting quite
differently to the way he usually is.

He reminds me
of like a little puppy.

He's hairy.

Well, his beard,
but I mean, that's cute.

- You like the beard?
- Yeah, I like it.

It's very kind of manly.

He reminds me more
of a bearded lady.

Do you guys live together?

Sorry, I didn't hear
what you were just saying.

I was just thinking about this
poor dog with a chronic condition

that is characterized
by recurrent seizures.

I think about that.

I'm writing a song
to try and raise awareness.

Yes, Bret told me.
That's great.

But I'm also
organizing a benefit

to try and raise some money for
these poor prophylactic dogs.

- Epileptic.
- Epileptic.

That's... yay.

Yay.

Yeah, I mean, I've been
there. I have been there.

It's never easy when you've got
two chicks into the same dude.

I'm talking about two guys
that are into the same girl.

Whoa, what the fuck
is that?

I have never been there.

With me it's always
been two or more

- girls into the same guy.
- Right.

That guy being
the Dave-atronic 5000.

- Yeah, what about what I'm talking about?
- The other way around.

If there's two guys
and one girl?

Tell me about it.

I had the same situation
once with my friend derek.

What did you do?

Well, let's just say
derek's no longer with us.

Oh.

- Um...
- right.

Did you...

no no no no.
He moved to arizona.

Oh, okay.
And what about the girl?

She moved to arizona also.

But I think they moved
to different parts.

It's one of
the biggest states.

So you've just got to
get the girl, Bret.

I mean, that's what you were
put on this earth for.

- Yeah.
- To precreate.

- And what about for me?
- Does she like either one of you more?

- I think she likes me.
- Me.

Me.

- Bret.
- Hey.

Where you going?

Jazzercise.

I thought we were gonna
watch the dog show.

Can't do it.
Sorry, man.

Seems like an odd time
for jazzercise.

Yeah, it's an impromptu
jazzercise class.

- Doing it by yourself?
- Me and a couple other guys.

Just you and a couple of guys
from jazzercise, huh?

Getting together and doing
some impromptu jazzercise

at night?

Yes,
what of it?

Nothing.

- You seen my glasses?
- No.

I had a shower and I left
them in the sink.

They're probably in the sink.
Have you checked the sink?

- Well, let me just check it.
- I'll see you later, man.

Bret, they're not in the sink.

- Bret, whoa.
- Hey, Mel.

Iook at you.

Oh wow.

I don't know what's going on,
but can I tell you something?

What?

I cannot count how many
times I've laid in bed

wondering what a child of you
and Jemaine might look like,

but it looks something like
this in my imagination.

Oh, I don't really
want to know that.

- Can I take your picture?
- No.

- See you, Mel.
- Bye.

Oh, whoops.

- Whoops.
- See you, Mel.

Mmm, yum.

So are you gonna be helping
us with this benefit concert?

I'm so excited about it.

- I want to, but I'm too busy.
- Oh.

I have some good news,
actually.

I'm developing a vaccine
for pepileptic dogs.

- What?
- I'm developing a vaccine.

I'm sorry, are you
a vet or a doctor?

- No, not really.
- No.

But I guess I'm quite
intelligent.

Right, I don't know
if that's such a good idea.

I take it every 30 minutes.

- You've been taking it?
- I take it, yeah.

And at the moment...

I'm... I'm showing no
symptoms of epilepsy.

But you don't...
you never had epilepsy.

No, I don't have epilepsy.

But I think that's
because of the vaccine.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Hello? Really?
Thank you.

Someone thinks that
they found Charlie.

- Wow, okay.
- Yes, so I have to go meet them.

Well, take that. There's
a little bit left in there.

So if you do find him...

I can't.

My bag is so full.

- Well, um...
- but thanks.

- Okay, bye.
- See you, brahbrah.

Jemaine?

- Oh, Barbara, hey.
- Hi.

What are you doing here?
That's so crazy.

Someone called and said they
think they found Charlie

and for me
to meet them here.

Oh yes, there was a guy doing
that sort of thing here,

but he left.
Would you care for a drink?

Um, you know,

I don't... I don't remember
you having a beard yesterday.

Sometimes I grow a beard.

Iooks like it's glued on.

Yes, and sometimes
I glue one on.

Okay.

- When I'm pressed for time.
- Right. Makes sense.

- Yeah.
- Right.

Um, it's getting a little
loose on the... there you go.

Um, I should probably go find the
guy who thinks he found Charlie.

- He might be back.
- I should find him.

Thanks.

Excuse me, I'm still waiting
on two waters. Thank you.

You ready?
This is take one.

And a one, and a two,
and away we go.

? think about
the epileptic dogs... ?

stop, actually.
Stop guys.

- Can you stop recording there?
- What?

Sorry, I can hear a piano
playing there. Who's playing that?

- Bret.
- Yeah.

What, with your feet?
I can't see one.

Et - no, I've already played it. -
I think there's another guy in there.

Is there another guy in there?
Can you have a look around?

I think there's someone
playing a piano.

- No, it's a backing track.
- We've already got the piano.

- Hi, Barbara.
- Hey, brahbrah.

- Hi.
- Hey, Barbara.

Oh, hello.
I'm Murray

- hi, Mary.
- Murray.

I'm just about to lay down
a local track, brahbrah.

Oh, good.
Yay.

So roll it.

? think about
the pepileptic dogs ?

? whoa oh oh yeah ?

- ? not all the puppies ?
- ? no, not all the puppies ?

- ? are so lucky ?
- ? they're not so lucky... ?

hey.

Whoa, hey. What are
you doing with the Mike?

Here, stop it,
you two.

- Are they fighting?
- Yeah, now they're fighting.

I'll have to stop them.
I'll be back in a second.

What are you doing?
Bret!

Stop it.

Iook, this is all
professional equipment.

If you break it
I'm paying for it.

Was it okay?

It was good until
you started fightinoowhat's hap?

Jemaine. Jemaine, I see no other option.

I challenge you
to a duel.

Oh no.

I accept.

? love ?

? is your weapon
of choice ?

- ? love love love ?
- ? love love love ?

? it's your weapon
of choice ?

? you're invading my heart ?

? every time that I hear
your voice ?

? and I'm screaming
out surrender ?

? but you can't hear me
as you rejoice ?

? you're a general shouting
orders to your army ?

? the command you are giving
is to harm me ?

? harm me with love ?

? because that is your
weapon of choice ?

? and what was that
about last night? ?

? why do we
have to fight? ?

? you've conquered my body
with your kissing ?

? your caresses
are your ammunition ?

? every time you walk
in through my door ?

? you're extending
this one metaphor ?

? you leave me wounded
lying on the floor ?

? I think I've seen
this floor before ?

? love ?

? that's your weapon
of choice ?

- ? love love love ?
- ? love love love ?

? that's your weapon
of choice ?

? there's a battleship
loaded with emotions ?

? crashing onto some
lying ocean ?

? and I'm afraid it is
just as I feared ?

? this ocean is made
of my tears ?

? love is the weapon ?

? love is the weapon with which
you choose to threaten ?

? love is your
weapon of choice. ?

- surrender. It's a draw.
- Hi, guys.

- Hey. Oh, hey.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- How are you, Barbara?

I'm good.
Should I come back?

- No.
- It's fine. We're just finishing up, actually.

I found the perfect location
for your canine epilepsy benefit.

- Yay. Yay.
- Yay!

- Oh, hey, Barbara.
- Hi.

- Hey, brahbrah.
- Barbara.

Iook.
Iook who's here.

- Charlie?
- Yeah.

All because of your concert.
You guys, thank you so much.

It's amazing
because it was my idea.

Hey, I've got a new
batch of the vaccine.

- It's got toffee in it.
- Thank you, though.

- That doesn't sound very medical.
- You liked it.

- He must have seen all the posters.
- Oh my God, he likes me.

Oh, he likes me.

- Oh, I can tell he's happy.
- Miss?

- Yeah?
- That's my dog.

I think you're mistaken.

- It's her dog.
- This is Charlie.

It's my dog mocha. See there
on the tag? It says mocha.

Maybe that isn't Charlie.
He's a different color.

Actually, he does look like
a different breed, doesn't he?

Yeah, he's
a different breed.

I was wondering that.
He doesn't look like Charlie.

Different size.

- Can I have my dog?
- Yes.

Mocha, come.

Come, mocha.

I'm so embarrassed.
Oh my gosh.

- No, it's all right.
- He's just a real stickler, that guy.

- Charlie will show up.
- Yeah, he'll come.

- He'll come and find you.
- Bret, get out.

- Thanks.
- Sorry, Jemaine's got his creepy hand on your shoulder.

- Thanks, guys.
- Bret, you're crowding her.

Thank you.

It's great to be here. I'd
like to dedicate this song to

- all the dogs with pepilepsy.
- Bret, your speech is boring.

This song is dedicated
to epileptic dogs.

- I love dogs.
- I love dogs with epilepsy.

? think about
the epileptic dogs ?

? not all the puppies
are born so lucky ?

? somewhere there's
a golden retriever ?

? who's having a seizure ?

? somewhere there's
a pup seizing up ?

? and there's a labrador
who's shaking on the floor ?

? think about
the epileptic dogs ?

? send them some money ?

? to stop these dogs
from acting funny ?

? send a check in the letter
to make a setter feel better ?

? come on, make a donation ?

? and save
a shaky dalmatian ?

? this is the remix ?

? ep-ilep-ep-ep-leptic ?

? ep-ilep-ep-ep-leptic,
ep-ilep-ep-ep-leptic ?

? ep-ilep-ep-ep-leptic... ?

so what did you
think, Murray?

How do you
think it went?

Oh, well, it was good,
wasn't it?

- Do you think so?
- Yeah, it was different.

- Barbara.
- Hey, guys.

It didn't go
perfectly, but...

it was a tragedy.

Well, it raised awars
of canine pepilepsy.

The, um, strobe lights gave
all of the dogs seizures.

- Not all of them.
- Well, the epileptic ones.

- Yeah, all of those ones.
- I thought they were dancing.

- No, those were fits.
- Even the golden doodle?

- Yes.
- The shih-tzu was dancing.

- No, he passed away.
- Dogs can't dance, Bret.

That's a shame, 'cause we
really put a lot of work into it.

Shame to know it was
because of our song.

All right, stop it, guys. I
can see what's happening here.

- Sorry, Barbara.
- What's going on?

You see, my two lads here
both seem to fancy you.

Okay? I'm sorry,
but there it is.

No, listen. Barbara, if you
could choose one of them, please,

that you like the most
and then take them

on a nice date somewhere,
that would be good.

On the other hand, if you like
me, that's a different story.

- So embarrassing.
- Right, I've got to go.

- And no dueling.
- How are we...

no dueling, and that's
the final word on that.

- Excuse me, Barbara.
- Yes, of course.

See you later, Murray.

Oh, that guy.

- Sorry about him.
- But basically what he said.

We like you.

I like you guys too.
What's the problem?

We like you like you.

- We love you.
- What?

- In love with you.
- I love you and he loves you.

I'm sorry, I thought
you guys were gay.

- Gay?
- Yeah.

- No, we're not gay.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Mel.
- Hello.

I made a mock-up
family portrait

of what you two
would look like

and if you had a baby
what the baby would look like

- coming out of you guys.
- Kind of cute.

- Thanks, Mel.
- Yeah.

She's made a little photo
of us as a couple.

Jemaine's the dad, I guess, and
I've given birth to this little baby.

You know, sorry. What
made you think we were gay?

I'm sorry. If I would have known
that you guys were both interested

I mean, I probably
wouldn't have, you know...

played havoc with our friendship?

No, I was gonna say spent equal
amounts of time with Jemaine.

- Sorry.
- What?

Oh.

Truthfully, I'm interested
in Bret if he's straight.

- Yeah.
- That's Bret there.

- Yeah, this one.
- Cool.

- Yeah yeah, fully straight.
- Okay.

Do you want to maybe
go get some coffee?

- I'd love to.
- I meant Bret.

- Oh, yes.
- Could Jemaine come?

- Maybe another time.
- But, Barbara, I thought...

- my name is brahbrah.
- Brahbrah?

Uh-huh.
B- r-a-h-

- b-r-a-h.
- Braha?

- Brahbrah.
- Told you it was brahbrah.

Oh.
Well, that's...

- sorry, Jemaine.
- See you later, Bret and brahbrah.

Yes, thank you.

So, brahbrah, how long
has Charlie been gone?

Six years.

Charlie!

? love love love love. ?

? love love love love. ?