Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 2, Episode 5 - Unnatural Love - full transcript
Jemaine starts dating an Australian, to Bret's dismay and inconvenience.
Just here is good, Murray.
- Yeah, just here.
We're a block away. I'll take you
right to the door. Don't be silly.
- Just here!
- I don't even want to go nightclubbing.
You've got to go
nightclubbing, Bret.
Look at Jemaine.
He wants to nightclub.
Can we watch
a video instead?
Yeah, I want to go home
and have a sleep.
- Just here is good.
- You're not getting out of it again.
- Keep going.
- Here we go. I just want you to go inside.
Listen to the music they play.
It's called dancing music.
- Keep going. Just keep going, Murray.
- Keep going.
- Keep driving.
- Look, there's David.
- Dave!
- What?
- Hold on, I'm coming back. What's up?
- Hey, man.
Hi, David. Can you look
after these two, please?
- Sure thing, Murray.
- Make sure they have a cocktail each, okay?
Here's $20.
I don't trust it with them.
Last time I gave them $20
they went away and spent it.
Bought a magazine
and a giant beach ball.
- You can count on me, Murray.
- Make sure they don't run away, okay?
- Right. Out you get, guys.
- We might not get in, Murray.
- Not cool enough.
- You two?
- Yes, we're not that cool.
- Yeah, everyone looks pretty cool.
- Hang on.
- They're cooler than us.
Excuse me, sir.
Hi.
I've got a couple of very cool
looking guys in the back of my car.
I don't know whether you're
keen to have them in your club.
He's not coming in.
Right, good.
Off you go.
I'll wait in the car here till
you're finished nightclubbing, okay?
Good luck, guys.
Hey, guys,
too many dicks.
What?
- Too many dicks.
- What's that, man?
- How many?
- Too many.
You guys are dorking up
my vibe with all the dicks.
We need to spread the
dicks out a little bit,
create some lady space.
Come on, move apart, guys.
Spread 'em out.
This isn't
the riverdance anymore.
Over there now.
There's too many dicks
on the dance floor.
? too many dicks
on the dance floor ?
- ? too many dicks on the dance floor ?
- ? too many dicks ?
- ? too many dicks on the dance floor ?
- ? too many dicks ?
- ? too many dicks on the dance floor ?
- ? too many dicks ?
? going to the party,
sipping on bacardi ?
? want to meet a hottie, but
there's Adam, Steve and Marty ?
? there's Billy, todd and Tommy,
they're on leave from the army ?
? the only boobs I see tonight
will beade of origami ?
? tell the fellas,
make it understood ?
? it ain't no good
if there's too much wood ?
? make sure you know before
you go, the bro-to-ho ratio ?
? five to one is a brodeo, tell
Steve and Mark it's time to go ?
? wait outside all night to find
20 dudes in a conga line ?
- ? too many dicks on the dance floor ?
- ? easy to fix ?
- ? too many dicks on the dance floor ?
- ? spread out the dicks ?
? too many dudes
with too many dicks ?
? too close to my shit,
too hard to meet chicks ?
? I need better odds,
more broads, less rods ?
? I came to do battle,
skedaddle with the cattle prods ?
? too many men, too many boys, too
many misters, noenough sisters ?
? too much time
on too many hands ?
? not enough ladies,
too many men ?
? too many dicks,
too many dongs ?
? too many schlongs
as I sing this song. ?
hello.
Bret speaking.
Bret, it's Jemaine speaking.
Hey, man. Where are
you? Did you run away?
No, I went home
with a girl.
What?
Bret, I think she might
be Australian.
Are you sure
she's Australian?
Either she's Australian
or she really likes Australia.
Oh, you've got to get out of
there. Just get out of there.
I'm... I'm... I'm locked in.
She's trapped me.
I'm not surprised.
Okay, um, keep calm.
Jump out the window.
Good idea.
Oh, it's too high.
Okay, well, do one of those
dive rolls when you land.
Okay, I'll try.
G'day.
Oh, hey.
Jesus, got a tongue like
a badger's asshole.
What you doing there,
big j?
Um, just talking
to a friend of mine.
- Hey.
- Don't talk to her. She's definitely Australian.
I'm not sure
I got your name.
Keitha.
- Pardon?
- Keitha.
Keitha?
Yeah, it's like Keith
but with an "a" at the end.
I was named
after me dad.
She's got a man's name.
Keitha,
that's a lovely name.
So how about
we go back to bed?
- Um...
- definitely don't do that.
No, I can't.
- Oh.
- Would you be able to unlock the door?
Thanks for coming.
- How do you feel?
- Fine.
Just ashamed.
How could you not know
she was Australian?
I don't know. It was
loud in the nightclub.
- Does she look australiany?
- Not particularly, no.
I mean the face, I suppose,
but not bodily, not at all.
Does she sound Australian?
Australian accent?
Yes. Yes.
What did it sound like?
Kind of like an evil
version of our accent.
- Did she mock your accent?
- Not that I remember.
She may have subtly mocked your
accent and you didn't notice.
She may have subtly
been mocking me.
Did you use protection?
Yes, but only
on my penis.
- What's that?
- What? What?
- What's that red Mark on your lip?
- What? Where?
That's all red.
- That's lipstick.
- It's crabs.
- It's not crabs.
- It's crabs.
It's lipstick.
Iook, that's not...
it's not crabs.
Got your wallet?
She didn't steal your wallet?
No, I've actually
got my wallet.
She probably tried
to steal your wallet.
Don't touch anything.
Well, good news.
Your biscuits arrived.
Eh?
They've been approved
from the wellington office.
- From the government?
- Yup. There we go.
Oh, great.
- Ginger nuts.
- Oh, nice.
I got a rejected form.
Oh, Jemaine, rejected.
Let's have a look.
"Did not fill out
the form correctly.
Purpose for
the biscuits..."
you put "NA."
What is "NA"?
Not applicable.
- There's no purpose for your biscuits?
- No, I just wanted them.
Well, they're hardly gonna send
you biscuits if there's no purpose.
Think about it.
Fill out your forms properly.
Well, I probably would have
eaten them, I suppose.
What did you
put on your form?
I think I put
I was gonna eat them.
There you go.
Okay, simple as that.
Tell you what,
you could probably have...
Bret, could he have one of
yours until I get this sorted?
Would that be all right?
That's the boy.
That's good. Nice.
Right, let's move on.
Next, nightclubbing
experiences.
Anything to report back?
- Nothing?
- Uh...
did you dance?
I didn't want to go
to the nightclub, Murray.
What's happened?
- Nothing.
- Bret?
Something happened
to Jemaine?
- Jemaine slept with an Australian.
- What?!
- Bret.
- Jemaine slept with an Australian.
No, I heard you. I said
"what" as in I heard you
but I can't believe
what I'm hearing.
Is this true, Jemaine?
- Shh.
- I know, shh.
- This is true.
- Yeah? Really?
I accidently slept
with an Australian.
How do you accidently
sleep with one?
What, did she get you naked and
you tripped over and fell on her?
- Is that what happened?
- No, it wasn't exactly like that.
- Look, close the door, please, Bret.
- Close the door, Bret.
- I didn't... - I don't
want to hear it, okay?
I'm talking to Bret now.
Jemaine, don't listen.
Turn away.
Bret, come in a bit.
Do you think he's listening?
Let's test it.
Jemaine's a good-looking
guy, isn't he?
- There he goes.
- Yeah, he's listening.
Right, now this is serious.
Maybe we should
banish him, you know,
from the group.
Cast him off, you know?
Never speak of him again,
just for a couple of days.
- That seems a bit full-on.
- Does it?
It does, doesn't it?
Lock him up.
Just lock him up.
Don't listen.
- What did you hear?
- Nothing.
Okay, let's get back
into the group.
Okay, come back, Jemaine.
Thank you.
We can't come to a decision
as to what to do.
Um...
now this girl,
did she make fun of you?
We think she might have
slightly mocked his accent.
She may have mocked
my accent subtly.
I bet she did.
They're tricky.
You know, guys,
in the old days
the sailors used
to fall for them.
Yeah, they hadn't seen
a woman for weeks
and the australians would lure them to
the bottom of the sea and they'd drown.
- Oh, that's mermaids.
- That's mermaids you're thinking of.
- Is it?
- That's not australians.
Yeah, but the Australian
ones were the worst.
That's what
I'm trying to say.
If you're into those
sorts of things,
watch out for
the Australian ones.
She didn't seem
that bad, you know?
- Eh?
- Jemaine.
- Do you have feelings for this girl?
- No.
Only negative ones.
Good.
Have you got your wallet?
- Yes, I've got my wallet.
- Good.
- Oh, hi, big j.
- Hi, keitha. Do you have my wallet?
Yeah. Yeah, I've got it right here.
- Thank you.
- So you gonna come in for a cuppa or what?
Oh, come on, you big mung.
Milk?
Um, yes please.
- Say when.
- When.
Thank you.
Mmm, delicious tea.
Thanks.
It's me mom's recipe.
Oh, is your mom
Australian?
Yeah yeah,
she's a panel beater.
What about your dad? You
said he's an Australian still?
Yeah yeah, me dad's so
Australian he's in prison.
Mmm, what about his father?
Was he Australian?
- My grandpa?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What about your mom's mother?
Was she an immigrant?
Listen, big j, you couldn't
get more Australian than me.
My great-great-grandpa
was a renown rapist.
And they shipped him
out to Australia
and that's where he met
my great-great-grandma.
She was a prostitute. I mean,
I said met, but he raped her.
Hmm. Do you think there's
any chance you were adopted?
Look, big j.
You got two options.
Sit around here asking
me stupid questions,
get in that bedroom
and root me again.
They're both good options.
? do australians
feel love? ?
? are they capable
of love? ?
? do they even know
what we're speaking of? ?
Bret.
Bret.
Bret!
Bret.
What?
Can I ask you
a hypothetical question?
Can it wait
till the morning?
I suppose so.
Bret.
Bret.
Bret. Bret.
- Bret.
- What's the question you want to ask me?
What would you think
if I did do out with that...
- Australian?
- Eh?
I'm just saying that if you were
to go out with an Australian...
well, I would never go out
with an Australian.
If you were to,
I would be fine with it.
I mean, when I first met you,
you tried to have me deported
from new zealand 'cause you
thought I was an Australian.
That was a misunderstanding.
You were wearing a vest top.
A my mom gave me that. She thought
it made me look like bruce willis.
Well, it didn't. It made
you look like an Australian.
You can't go out
with that girl.
Hey, she'd never
be my girlfriend.
Murray, Bret,
this is my girlfriend
keitha.
- What are you doing, Jemaine?
- What is that you're wearing?
- What are you wearing?
- Where'd you get that?
Hi, guys. You can call
me Keith, by the way.
- That's a man's name.
- It's a female name.
It's got an "a"
on the end.
Got quite the accent,
don't you, kevina?
Yeah, I've got
a real aussie accent.
Except it's not as strong as it
used to be since I've lived here,
'cause every time I'm on
the phone with my mom
she says I sound
like marilyn monroe.
- Did you catch that?
- What are you deaf? Marilyn monroe.
- Oh, marilyn monroe.
- Yeah.
- What about her?
- I talk like her now.
- She sounds like her.
- She does sound a bit like her.
Yeah, I suppose if you
squint your ears.
Told ya.
Keitha, do you mind not
listening for a moment, please?
Jemaine, come in a bit.
What did you bring
her here for?
Don't talk about her.
She's right there.
- She's not listening, is she?
- She's so close...
you know what?
I'm gonna go to the dunny.
- Got to murder a Brown snake, you know
- oh my God.
Muzza, Bret, sweetcocks.
Jemaine, you can't be
serious about this.
- I am serious.
- Have you thought about your future?
- No, it's not gonna work, man.
- What do you mean?
And your children, what about
them? What would become of them?
They'll be aberrations,
won't they?
It's pronounced
aborigines.
Well, think of them. They'll
be neither here nor there,
forced to move from city to city
looking for the perfect wave.
- What are you gonna tell your mom?
- I won't tell my mom.
- What about Christmas, eh?
- She can't come to Christmas.
She's gonna ridicule
us at Christmas.
Maybe I will go to
her house for Christmas.
- I don't have to do everything you say.
- Keep your voice down.
- Sorry.
- And sit up straight. You're slouching terribly.
No, don't stand up,
just sit up.
Let's go before
we get ridiculed.
She's probably in the toilet thinking
of something to bring me down with.
Come on.
See you later,
big j.
Let's go, little b.
- Okay, little m.
- Medium m.
Jemaine, did you listen to
the answer phone message?
I think there may be
an answer phone message
for you
on the answer phone.
Yes, Bret, I listened to
the answer phone message.
Oh, good news?
Bad news?
Uh, it's you putting on
a woman's voice
pretending to be keitha
breaking up with me.
- Don't think so.
- It's clearly you, Bret.
- I don't think so.
- It's obviously you putting on a woman's voice.
Listen.
- G'day, big j.
- That's the one.
It's keitha here.
I've got some bad news.
- It's keitha.
- I'm moving back to wollongong.
- She's not from wollongong.
- Shh.
- She's from wollamaloo.
- It was nice going out with you.
- Shh.
- But I'm never gonna see you again. Bye.
- Oh no.
- And I'm married.
- Who's on the phone, love?
- That's her husband.
Uh, nobody. I've got to go.
Oh, that's terrible.
Jemaine, that's terrible.
That's just...
I'm going, Bret.
Jemaine, did I show you my
gloves that look like my hands?
Get off.
Get off.
Let go of my glove.
Ow, that's actually my hand.
- That's actually my hand.
- I'm going.
Yeah?
- I need to see keitha.
- Who?
Keitha.
Keitha.
Keitha. Keith with an "a"
at the end.
No, you can't see her.
W- well, I need to see her.
Well, you can't 'cause she's
moved back to Australia.
- What's going on, kels?
- What?
Dr. Spectacles here
is looking for keitha.
Oh, she's gone, mate.
She said you were a prick
and then she got on the bus
back to Australia for good.
I don't believe you.
That's her sweatshirt.
She doesn't need a sweatshirt
in Australia. It's hot.
Well, I can see her,
actually.
- , mate. She's gone back to oz.
- No, mate.
She's there.
She's right there.
You don't need to really
keep going, do you?
No, mate, she's gone. She's
in Australia like we said.
- Hey.
- Hi, big j.
- Hi, keitha.
- Bye.
Bye.
Kelli
bye, have fun.
Keitha, my friends think
our love can never be.
Can never be what?
Well, you know,
can never be.
Oh, well, my mates
think that too.
Because I'm a new zealander
and you're an Australian
and they don't think
we can be together?
No, mostly it's 'cause
they think you're a dick.
You know, with the dickish
glasses and that.
No, it's mainly
because they think
our races shouldn't mix.
No, mostly it's 'cause they think
I've rooted better-looking fellas
when I've been
too drunk to speak.
Is that how you feel?
50-50.
I kinda like you.
I kinda like you too.
? Loretta broke my heart
in a letter ?
? she told me she was leaving
and her life would be better ?
? Joan, broke it off
over the phone ?
? after the tone
she left me alone ?
? Jen said she'd never
ever see me again ?
? when I saw her again
she said it again ?
? jan met another man ?
? liza got amnesia,
just forgot who I am ?
? felicity saw there was
no electricity ?
? Emily, no chemistry ?
? fran ran,
turned out to be a man ?
? flo had to go,
I couldn't go with the flow ?
? carol Brown
just took a bus out of town ?
? but I'm hoping that
you'll stick around ?
? he doesn't cook
or clean ?
? he's not good
boyfriend material ?
? oo-whee
and eats cereal ?
? you'll lose
interest fast ?
? his relationships
never last ?
? shut up, girlfriends
from the past ?
? she says he'll do
one thing ?
? and then he goes
and does another thing ?
? oh, who organized
all of my ex-girlfriends ?
? into a choir
and got them to sing? ?
? who? Who? ?
? mmm, shut up ?
? shut up, girlfriends
from the past ?
? may, may will no
longer see m?
? britney,
britney hit me ?
? Paula, persephone,
stella and stephanie ?
? there must be 50 ways
that lovers have left me ?
? carol Brown
just took a bus out of town ?
? love is a delicate thing ?
? it could just float
away on the breeze ?
? he said the same thing to me ?
? how can we ever know ?
? we've found the right
person in this world? ?
? he means he looks
at other girls ?
? love is a mystery ?
? it does not
follow a rule ?
? this guy is a fool ?
? he'll always be a boy ?
? he's a man
who never grew up ?
? I thought I told you
to shut up ?
? lola, you told me
you were in a coma ?
? tiffany, you said that
you had an epiphany ?
? mmm, would you like
a little cereal? ?
? who organized this choir
of ex-girlfriends? ?
? was it you, carol Brown?
Was it you, carol Brown? ?
? carol Brown just took
a bus out of town ?
? but I'm hoping that
you'll stick around ?
- ? stick around ?
- ? do do do do do do ?
- ? stick around ?
- ? do do do do do do ?
? do do do do do do ?
? just stick around ?
? do do do do do do ?
? just stick around. ?
- hey, Dave.
- Oh, hey, guys.
- You seen Jemaine?
- Wait a second.
Which one are you?
- This is Bret.
- Bret.
- Okay.
- Yeah, not looking for me.
No, I haven't seen him.
Well, we're looking
for him.
He's missing, all right,
David? We're looking for him.
If you find him can you tell
him that we're looking for him?
- All right.
- Thank you. Keep looking.
Yeah, if you see him
or his girlfriend...
- or start looking.
...let us know.
- I mean, keep looking.
- Got it.
- Thank you.
- Forget about it.
See you, Murray.
See you, Jemaine.
Oh, Bret,
he said Jemaine.
They're gone.
- Thank you, Dave.
- Don't worry about it, guys.
I just think it's really cool
that you love each other
even though
you're from austria
and you're from someplace no
one's even fucking heard of.
- Australia.
- New zealand.
Exactly, because it
shouldn't matter
where you're from
when love's involved.
It's like that movie,
"interracial hole stretchers 2."
She was white
and they were black,
but it didn't matter
in the end, did it?
Because they were in love.
I haven't seen that one.
Well, it really affected me.
I better get packed up.
I'll see you at 4:00.
I love you, big j.
I love you too.
So you're just gonna elope? Just
leave the city and leave the band?
Yeah, I'm going
to new Jersey.
Wow.
New Jersey, huh?
I'd love to go there.
But I got a lot of shit going
on in the states right now.
Bye, Dave.
Don't drink the water.
Excuse me. Have you seen an
Australian girl around here?
We're eloping
to new Jersey.
Sorry, pal.
Haven't seen her.
How much is it to
new Jersey, by the way?
I don't go to new Jersey.
I only ride around the park.
- That's weird.
- Yeah.
She said
she'd done it before.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Take me to Chinatown
and do not delay, sir.
Iook,
just around the park.
Ah, yes, you said that.
Yes.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Jemaine.
Where've you been?
Bret, have you
seen keitha?
She robbed us.
Her and her friends jumped me
and taped me to the door.
Did she mention me at all?
No, sorry, man.
I'm not sure
about her and me.
Could you pass me
my sandwich, please?
Okay.
Here's your sandwich.
- Would you like a napkin?
- No thanks.
- Can I get a hug?
- Huh?
Can I get a hug?
Hug?
- No. No.
- A hug?
Unfair.
I'm not participating
in this hug.
Sorry, man.
It'll be okay.
? going to the party,
sipping on bacardi ?
? want to meet a hottie, but
there's Adam, Steve and Marty ?
? there's Billy, todd and Tommy,
they're on leave from the army ?
? the only boobs I see tonight
will be made of origami ?
? tell the fellas,
make it understood ?
? it ain't no good
if there's too much wood ?
? make sure you know before
you go, the bro-to-ho ratio ?
? five to one is a brodeo, tell
Steve and Mark it's time to go ?
? wait outside all night to
find 20 dudes in a conga line ?
? too many dicks
on the dance floor ?
? too many dicks on
the dance floor. ?
- Yeah, just here.
We're a block away. I'll take you
right to the door. Don't be silly.
- Just here!
- I don't even want to go nightclubbing.
You've got to go
nightclubbing, Bret.
Look at Jemaine.
He wants to nightclub.
Can we watch
a video instead?
Yeah, I want to go home
and have a sleep.
- Just here is good.
- You're not getting out of it again.
- Keep going.
- Here we go. I just want you to go inside.
Listen to the music they play.
It's called dancing music.
- Keep going. Just keep going, Murray.
- Keep going.
- Keep driving.
- Look, there's David.
- Dave!
- What?
- Hold on, I'm coming back. What's up?
- Hey, man.
Hi, David. Can you look
after these two, please?
- Sure thing, Murray.
- Make sure they have a cocktail each, okay?
Here's $20.
I don't trust it with them.
Last time I gave them $20
they went away and spent it.
Bought a magazine
and a giant beach ball.
- You can count on me, Murray.
- Make sure they don't run away, okay?
- Right. Out you get, guys.
- We might not get in, Murray.
- Not cool enough.
- You two?
- Yes, we're not that cool.
- Yeah, everyone looks pretty cool.
- Hang on.
- They're cooler than us.
Excuse me, sir.
Hi.
I've got a couple of very cool
looking guys in the back of my car.
I don't know whether you're
keen to have them in your club.
He's not coming in.
Right, good.
Off you go.
I'll wait in the car here till
you're finished nightclubbing, okay?
Good luck, guys.
Hey, guys,
too many dicks.
What?
- Too many dicks.
- What's that, man?
- How many?
- Too many.
You guys are dorking up
my vibe with all the dicks.
We need to spread the
dicks out a little bit,
create some lady space.
Come on, move apart, guys.
Spread 'em out.
This isn't
the riverdance anymore.
Over there now.
There's too many dicks
on the dance floor.
? too many dicks
on the dance floor ?
- ? too many dicks on the dance floor ?
- ? too many dicks ?
- ? too many dicks on the dance floor ?
- ? too many dicks ?
- ? too many dicks on the dance floor ?
- ? too many dicks ?
? going to the party,
sipping on bacardi ?
? want to meet a hottie, but
there's Adam, Steve and Marty ?
? there's Billy, todd and Tommy,
they're on leave from the army ?
? the only boobs I see tonight
will beade of origami ?
? tell the fellas,
make it understood ?
? it ain't no good
if there's too much wood ?
? make sure you know before
you go, the bro-to-ho ratio ?
? five to one is a brodeo, tell
Steve and Mark it's time to go ?
? wait outside all night to find
20 dudes in a conga line ?
- ? too many dicks on the dance floor ?
- ? easy to fix ?
- ? too many dicks on the dance floor ?
- ? spread out the dicks ?
? too many dudes
with too many dicks ?
? too close to my shit,
too hard to meet chicks ?
? I need better odds,
more broads, less rods ?
? I came to do battle,
skedaddle with the cattle prods ?
? too many men, too many boys, too
many misters, noenough sisters ?
? too much time
on too many hands ?
? not enough ladies,
too many men ?
? too many dicks,
too many dongs ?
? too many schlongs
as I sing this song. ?
hello.
Bret speaking.
Bret, it's Jemaine speaking.
Hey, man. Where are
you? Did you run away?
No, I went home
with a girl.
What?
Bret, I think she might
be Australian.
Are you sure
she's Australian?
Either she's Australian
or she really likes Australia.
Oh, you've got to get out of
there. Just get out of there.
I'm... I'm... I'm locked in.
She's trapped me.
I'm not surprised.
Okay, um, keep calm.
Jump out the window.
Good idea.
Oh, it's too high.
Okay, well, do one of those
dive rolls when you land.
Okay, I'll try.
G'day.
Oh, hey.
Jesus, got a tongue like
a badger's asshole.
What you doing there,
big j?
Um, just talking
to a friend of mine.
- Hey.
- Don't talk to her. She's definitely Australian.
I'm not sure
I got your name.
Keitha.
- Pardon?
- Keitha.
Keitha?
Yeah, it's like Keith
but with an "a" at the end.
I was named
after me dad.
She's got a man's name.
Keitha,
that's a lovely name.
So how about
we go back to bed?
- Um...
- definitely don't do that.
No, I can't.
- Oh.
- Would you be able to unlock the door?
Thanks for coming.
- How do you feel?
- Fine.
Just ashamed.
How could you not know
she was Australian?
I don't know. It was
loud in the nightclub.
- Does she look australiany?
- Not particularly, no.
I mean the face, I suppose,
but not bodily, not at all.
Does she sound Australian?
Australian accent?
Yes. Yes.
What did it sound like?
Kind of like an evil
version of our accent.
- Did she mock your accent?
- Not that I remember.
She may have subtly mocked your
accent and you didn't notice.
She may have subtly
been mocking me.
Did you use protection?
Yes, but only
on my penis.
- What's that?
- What? What?
- What's that red Mark on your lip?
- What? Where?
That's all red.
- That's lipstick.
- It's crabs.
- It's not crabs.
- It's crabs.
It's lipstick.
Iook, that's not...
it's not crabs.
Got your wallet?
She didn't steal your wallet?
No, I've actually
got my wallet.
She probably tried
to steal your wallet.
Don't touch anything.
Well, good news.
Your biscuits arrived.
Eh?
They've been approved
from the wellington office.
- From the government?
- Yup. There we go.
Oh, great.
- Ginger nuts.
- Oh, nice.
I got a rejected form.
Oh, Jemaine, rejected.
Let's have a look.
"Did not fill out
the form correctly.
Purpose for
the biscuits..."
you put "NA."
What is "NA"?
Not applicable.
- There's no purpose for your biscuits?
- No, I just wanted them.
Well, they're hardly gonna send
you biscuits if there's no purpose.
Think about it.
Fill out your forms properly.
Well, I probably would have
eaten them, I suppose.
What did you
put on your form?
I think I put
I was gonna eat them.
There you go.
Okay, simple as that.
Tell you what,
you could probably have...
Bret, could he have one of
yours until I get this sorted?
Would that be all right?
That's the boy.
That's good. Nice.
Right, let's move on.
Next, nightclubbing
experiences.
Anything to report back?
- Nothing?
- Uh...
did you dance?
I didn't want to go
to the nightclub, Murray.
What's happened?
- Nothing.
- Bret?
Something happened
to Jemaine?
- Jemaine slept with an Australian.
- What?!
- Bret.
- Jemaine slept with an Australian.
No, I heard you. I said
"what" as in I heard you
but I can't believe
what I'm hearing.
Is this true, Jemaine?
- Shh.
- I know, shh.
- This is true.
- Yeah? Really?
I accidently slept
with an Australian.
How do you accidently
sleep with one?
What, did she get you naked and
you tripped over and fell on her?
- Is that what happened?
- No, it wasn't exactly like that.
- Look, close the door, please, Bret.
- Close the door, Bret.
- I didn't... - I don't
want to hear it, okay?
I'm talking to Bret now.
Jemaine, don't listen.
Turn away.
Bret, come in a bit.
Do you think he's listening?
Let's test it.
Jemaine's a good-looking
guy, isn't he?
- There he goes.
- Yeah, he's listening.
Right, now this is serious.
Maybe we should
banish him, you know,
from the group.
Cast him off, you know?
Never speak of him again,
just for a couple of days.
- That seems a bit full-on.
- Does it?
It does, doesn't it?
Lock him up.
Just lock him up.
Don't listen.
- What did you hear?
- Nothing.
Okay, let's get back
into the group.
Okay, come back, Jemaine.
Thank you.
We can't come to a decision
as to what to do.
Um...
now this girl,
did she make fun of you?
We think she might have
slightly mocked his accent.
She may have mocked
my accent subtly.
I bet she did.
They're tricky.
You know, guys,
in the old days
the sailors used
to fall for them.
Yeah, they hadn't seen
a woman for weeks
and the australians would lure them to
the bottom of the sea and they'd drown.
- Oh, that's mermaids.
- That's mermaids you're thinking of.
- Is it?
- That's not australians.
Yeah, but the Australian
ones were the worst.
That's what
I'm trying to say.
If you're into those
sorts of things,
watch out for
the Australian ones.
She didn't seem
that bad, you know?
- Eh?
- Jemaine.
- Do you have feelings for this girl?
- No.
Only negative ones.
Good.
Have you got your wallet?
- Yes, I've got my wallet.
- Good.
- Oh, hi, big j.
- Hi, keitha. Do you have my wallet?
Yeah. Yeah, I've got it right here.
- Thank you.
- So you gonna come in for a cuppa or what?
Oh, come on, you big mung.
Milk?
Um, yes please.
- Say when.
- When.
Thank you.
Mmm, delicious tea.
Thanks.
It's me mom's recipe.
Oh, is your mom
Australian?
Yeah yeah,
she's a panel beater.
What about your dad? You
said he's an Australian still?
Yeah yeah, me dad's so
Australian he's in prison.
Mmm, what about his father?
Was he Australian?
- My grandpa?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What about your mom's mother?
Was she an immigrant?
Listen, big j, you couldn't
get more Australian than me.
My great-great-grandpa
was a renown rapist.
And they shipped him
out to Australia
and that's where he met
my great-great-grandma.
She was a prostitute. I mean,
I said met, but he raped her.
Hmm. Do you think there's
any chance you were adopted?
Look, big j.
You got two options.
Sit around here asking
me stupid questions,
get in that bedroom
and root me again.
They're both good options.
? do australians
feel love? ?
? are they capable
of love? ?
? do they even know
what we're speaking of? ?
Bret.
Bret.
Bret!
Bret.
What?
Can I ask you
a hypothetical question?
Can it wait
till the morning?
I suppose so.
Bret.
Bret.
Bret. Bret.
- Bret.
- What's the question you want to ask me?
What would you think
if I did do out with that...
- Australian?
- Eh?
I'm just saying that if you were
to go out with an Australian...
well, I would never go out
with an Australian.
If you were to,
I would be fine with it.
I mean, when I first met you,
you tried to have me deported
from new zealand 'cause you
thought I was an Australian.
That was a misunderstanding.
You were wearing a vest top.
A my mom gave me that. She thought
it made me look like bruce willis.
Well, it didn't. It made
you look like an Australian.
You can't go out
with that girl.
Hey, she'd never
be my girlfriend.
Murray, Bret,
this is my girlfriend
keitha.
- What are you doing, Jemaine?
- What is that you're wearing?
- What are you wearing?
- Where'd you get that?
Hi, guys. You can call
me Keith, by the way.
- That's a man's name.
- It's a female name.
It's got an "a"
on the end.
Got quite the accent,
don't you, kevina?
Yeah, I've got
a real aussie accent.
Except it's not as strong as it
used to be since I've lived here,
'cause every time I'm on
the phone with my mom
she says I sound
like marilyn monroe.
- Did you catch that?
- What are you deaf? Marilyn monroe.
- Oh, marilyn monroe.
- Yeah.
- What about her?
- I talk like her now.
- She sounds like her.
- She does sound a bit like her.
Yeah, I suppose if you
squint your ears.
Told ya.
Keitha, do you mind not
listening for a moment, please?
Jemaine, come in a bit.
What did you bring
her here for?
Don't talk about her.
She's right there.
- She's not listening, is she?
- She's so close...
you know what?
I'm gonna go to the dunny.
- Got to murder a Brown snake, you know
- oh my God.
Muzza, Bret, sweetcocks.
Jemaine, you can't be
serious about this.
- I am serious.
- Have you thought about your future?
- No, it's not gonna work, man.
- What do you mean?
And your children, what about
them? What would become of them?
They'll be aberrations,
won't they?
It's pronounced
aborigines.
Well, think of them. They'll
be neither here nor there,
forced to move from city to city
looking for the perfect wave.
- What are you gonna tell your mom?
- I won't tell my mom.
- What about Christmas, eh?
- She can't come to Christmas.
She's gonna ridicule
us at Christmas.
Maybe I will go to
her house for Christmas.
- I don't have to do everything you say.
- Keep your voice down.
- Sorry.
- And sit up straight. You're slouching terribly.
No, don't stand up,
just sit up.
Let's go before
we get ridiculed.
She's probably in the toilet thinking
of something to bring me down with.
Come on.
See you later,
big j.
Let's go, little b.
- Okay, little m.
- Medium m.
Jemaine, did you listen to
the answer phone message?
I think there may be
an answer phone message
for you
on the answer phone.
Yes, Bret, I listened to
the answer phone message.
Oh, good news?
Bad news?
Uh, it's you putting on
a woman's voice
pretending to be keitha
breaking up with me.
- Don't think so.
- It's clearly you, Bret.
- I don't think so.
- It's obviously you putting on a woman's voice.
Listen.
- G'day, big j.
- That's the one.
It's keitha here.
I've got some bad news.
- It's keitha.
- I'm moving back to wollongong.
- She's not from wollongong.
- Shh.
- She's from wollamaloo.
- It was nice going out with you.
- Shh.
- But I'm never gonna see you again. Bye.
- Oh no.
- And I'm married.
- Who's on the phone, love?
- That's her husband.
Uh, nobody. I've got to go.
Oh, that's terrible.
Jemaine, that's terrible.
That's just...
I'm going, Bret.
Jemaine, did I show you my
gloves that look like my hands?
Get off.
Get off.
Let go of my glove.
Ow, that's actually my hand.
- That's actually my hand.
- I'm going.
Yeah?
- I need to see keitha.
- Who?
Keitha.
Keitha.
Keitha. Keith with an "a"
at the end.
No, you can't see her.
W- well, I need to see her.
Well, you can't 'cause she's
moved back to Australia.
- What's going on, kels?
- What?
Dr. Spectacles here
is looking for keitha.
Oh, she's gone, mate.
She said you were a prick
and then she got on the bus
back to Australia for good.
I don't believe you.
That's her sweatshirt.
She doesn't need a sweatshirt
in Australia. It's hot.
Well, I can see her,
actually.
- , mate. She's gone back to oz.
- No, mate.
She's there.
She's right there.
You don't need to really
keep going, do you?
No, mate, she's gone. She's
in Australia like we said.
- Hey.
- Hi, big j.
- Hi, keitha.
- Bye.
Bye.
Kelli
bye, have fun.
Keitha, my friends think
our love can never be.
Can never be what?
Well, you know,
can never be.
Oh, well, my mates
think that too.
Because I'm a new zealander
and you're an Australian
and they don't think
we can be together?
No, mostly it's 'cause
they think you're a dick.
You know, with the dickish
glasses and that.
No, it's mainly
because they think
our races shouldn't mix.
No, mostly it's 'cause they think
I've rooted better-looking fellas
when I've been
too drunk to speak.
Is that how you feel?
50-50.
I kinda like you.
I kinda like you too.
? Loretta broke my heart
in a letter ?
? she told me she was leaving
and her life would be better ?
? Joan, broke it off
over the phone ?
? after the tone
she left me alone ?
? Jen said she'd never
ever see me again ?
? when I saw her again
she said it again ?
? jan met another man ?
? liza got amnesia,
just forgot who I am ?
? felicity saw there was
no electricity ?
? Emily, no chemistry ?
? fran ran,
turned out to be a man ?
? flo had to go,
I couldn't go with the flow ?
? carol Brown
just took a bus out of town ?
? but I'm hoping that
you'll stick around ?
? he doesn't cook
or clean ?
? he's not good
boyfriend material ?
? oo-whee
and eats cereal ?
? you'll lose
interest fast ?
? his relationships
never last ?
? shut up, girlfriends
from the past ?
? she says he'll do
one thing ?
? and then he goes
and does another thing ?
? oh, who organized
all of my ex-girlfriends ?
? into a choir
and got them to sing? ?
? who? Who? ?
? mmm, shut up ?
? shut up, girlfriends
from the past ?
? may, may will no
longer see m?
? britney,
britney hit me ?
? Paula, persephone,
stella and stephanie ?
? there must be 50 ways
that lovers have left me ?
? carol Brown
just took a bus out of town ?
? love is a delicate thing ?
? it could just float
away on the breeze ?
? he said the same thing to me ?
? how can we ever know ?
? we've found the right
person in this world? ?
? he means he looks
at other girls ?
? love is a mystery ?
? it does not
follow a rule ?
? this guy is a fool ?
? he'll always be a boy ?
? he's a man
who never grew up ?
? I thought I told you
to shut up ?
? lola, you told me
you were in a coma ?
? tiffany, you said that
you had an epiphany ?
? mmm, would you like
a little cereal? ?
? who organized this choir
of ex-girlfriends? ?
? was it you, carol Brown?
Was it you, carol Brown? ?
? carol Brown just took
a bus out of town ?
? but I'm hoping that
you'll stick around ?
- ? stick around ?
- ? do do do do do do ?
- ? stick around ?
- ? do do do do do do ?
? do do do do do do ?
? just stick around ?
? do do do do do do ?
? just stick around. ?
- hey, Dave.
- Oh, hey, guys.
- You seen Jemaine?
- Wait a second.
Which one are you?
- This is Bret.
- Bret.
- Okay.
- Yeah, not looking for me.
No, I haven't seen him.
Well, we're looking
for him.
He's missing, all right,
David? We're looking for him.
If you find him can you tell
him that we're looking for him?
- All right.
- Thank you. Keep looking.
Yeah, if you see him
or his girlfriend...
- or start looking.
...let us know.
- I mean, keep looking.
- Got it.
- Thank you.
- Forget about it.
See you, Murray.
See you, Jemaine.
Oh, Bret,
he said Jemaine.
They're gone.
- Thank you, Dave.
- Don't worry about it, guys.
I just think it's really cool
that you love each other
even though
you're from austria
and you're from someplace no
one's even fucking heard of.
- Australia.
- New zealand.
Exactly, because it
shouldn't matter
where you're from
when love's involved.
It's like that movie,
"interracial hole stretchers 2."
She was white
and they were black,
but it didn't matter
in the end, did it?
Because they were in love.
I haven't seen that one.
Well, it really affected me.
I better get packed up.
I'll see you at 4:00.
I love you, big j.
I love you too.
So you're just gonna elope? Just
leave the city and leave the band?
Yeah, I'm going
to new Jersey.
Wow.
New Jersey, huh?
I'd love to go there.
But I got a lot of shit going
on in the states right now.
Bye, Dave.
Don't drink the water.
Excuse me. Have you seen an
Australian girl around here?
We're eloping
to new Jersey.
Sorry, pal.
Haven't seen her.
How much is it to
new Jersey, by the way?
I don't go to new Jersey.
I only ride around the park.
- That's weird.
- Yeah.
She said
she'd done it before.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Take me to Chinatown
and do not delay, sir.
Iook,
just around the park.
Ah, yes, you said that.
Yes.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Jemaine.
Where've you been?
Bret, have you
seen keitha?
She robbed us.
Her and her friends jumped me
and taped me to the door.
Did she mention me at all?
No, sorry, man.
I'm not sure
about her and me.
Could you pass me
my sandwich, please?
Okay.
Here's your sandwich.
- Would you like a napkin?
- No thanks.
- Can I get a hug?
- Huh?
Can I get a hug?
Hug?
- No. No.
- A hug?
Unfair.
I'm not participating
in this hug.
Sorry, man.
It'll be okay.
? going to the party,
sipping on bacardi ?
? want to meet a hottie, but
there's Adam, Steve and Marty ?
? there's Billy, todd and Tommy,
they're on leave from the army ?
? the only boobs I see tonight
will be made of origami ?
? tell the fellas,
make it understood ?
? it ain't no good
if there's too much wood ?
? make sure you know before
you go, the bro-to-ho ratio ?
? five to one is a brodeo, tell
Steve and Mark it's time to go ?
? wait outside all night to
find 20 dudes in a conga line ?
? too many dicks
on the dance floor ?
? too many dicks on
the dance floor. ?