Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 2, Episode 4 - Murray Takes It to the Next Level - full transcript

Item one:
"Slow songs."

I thought it would be a good idea if
you ended each gig with a slow song.

No. We don't really have
any slow songs.

So that's a clear "no"
from you, Bret.

Now, Jemaine, what if you were to
slow down some of your own bits?

'Cause you do different
songs than Bret, don't you?

- Hmm? - well, your
songs, they're a lot...

no, they're the same songs,
they're just a different part.

- I play the bass.
- Okay, well, I'm not the musician, all right?

You guys know what
you're talking about

I'm just the brains
behind this operation.



Murray, I was thinking we should
play some gigs in bigger venues.

There's no such thing
as a small venue, Bret,

only small bands.

The camper-van gig was too small,
'cause no one could get in there.

There was just that one
old man and his wife.

Whoa whoa whoa,
this was the camper-van gig

that was sold out
if I'm correctly mistaken.

How do you think
you get to be sold out?

It's the small venues...
that's the trick.

- Yeah, well... - it's a
trick. It's an old trick.

And no more raft gigs.

- It sold out.
- Yes, it was another sold out gig,

- but we want to do bigger gigs.
- Okay, I get the picture.

"Friends."



Now we've known each other
for quite some time

in the professional realm,

I'd like to push things
forward in the friendship realm.

- What's the friendship realm?
- Well, you've heard of a realm?

- Mmm.
- Yeah?

- Yes.
- Well, this is like a friendship one.

A group of people
basically getting together

calling
each other friends.

Iook at this.

Right. Okay.

- What's this?
- It's a friendship graph.

Okay, if you have a look
along here on the x-axis,

this represents
time passing

and on the y-axis here,

this is the different
levels of friends, okay?

Starting up here
with "friends,"

"workmates,"
down to "colleagues,"

underneath that, "strangers"...which
is pretty much everyone I've noticed...

and then "enemies."

So basically you guys
are here..."workmates"...

and what I want is
to get you up here...

"friends" and above.
That's where Jim is.

- Who's Jim?
- Jim's my best friend.

- We've never heard of Jim.
- Well, if you guys were my friends,

you'd know who
my other friend was... Jim.

Murray, would you like to see
the new immigration report?

- Greg, do you think of us as friends?
- I hope so, Murray.

We're not.
We're colleagues.

- I see.
- I'm your boss. Don't forget that.

- Would you like the report, Murray?
- Uh, yes.

Now can you fax
that to me?

Okay.

See, guys? I don't let
just anyone be my friend.

Greg's a good guy, but he's
in colleague status.

So I think the three
of us are ready to move on

and get to that next level.
What do you say, guys?

Uh, okay.

Jemaine,
friends possibilities?

- Okay, man.
- Yeah, man.

What's the time, man?
Aw, heck.

You guys had better go...
you'll be late for your gig.

? who likes
to rock the party? ?

? I like
to rock the party ?

? who likes
to rock the party? ?

sounds good, guys.

Slow it down a bit.
These two are dancing.

Possible couple here...
dancing to this.

Well, you've lost
the audience.

Oh, it's the bottom floor.

All right, see you
tomorrow, future friends.

Oh, there's Mel.
Go go go.

Hey! Hey, guys!

Hey, Jemaine!
Hey, Bret!

I have some cookies
for you in my fanny pack.

Hmm?

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Oh, look, this one must be
for Bret... that's Bret's...

- and here's Jemaine's.
- Yum.

Uh, I'm not sure I want
to eat my own face.

I almost did
on the way over here.

The lips are
very prominent.

Yeah. Yup.

I had a dream about
you guys last night.

Jemaine, you were a slave

striving towards freedom.

And Bret...

well, I just want
to thank you.

- Uh, you're welcome.
- I had no idea you were so flexible.

What do you think
it could mean?

Do you think that
it might be clairvoyance

and I can see into the
future when I sleep?

- Uh, we should... we should
get going. - Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

Wouldn't it be fantastic if the
world was more like your dreams?

- No.
- Yeah.

Do you think so,
Jemaine?

Yeah, some...
some dreams.

? why can't the world ?

? be more like
in my dreams? ?

bye!

? it would be full ?

? of all of my
favorite things ?

? the sun shining
in the sky ?

? and suddenly
I can fly ?

? I'm a little bird
up high ?

? in a V formation
with my favorite guys ?

? I'm amelia earhart ?

? my plane has
a broken wing ?

? my fellas are
my propellers ?

? and my cookies
start to sing ?

? why can't the world ?

? be more like
in her dreams? ?

I agree.

? I won't tell my secrets
to foreign spies ?

? and then rescued by
my two favorite guys ?

? I'm instantly pregnant
and I can't explain ?

? and when they pop out,
they're like Bret and Jemaine ?

? I'm walking to school,
folks are staring at me ?

? then I look down,
I'm completely naked! ?

? what if the world ?

? was more like
in my dreams? ?

? I wake up
early in the morning ?

? go to school
and do a test ?

? then all my teeth
fall out ?

? and I'm falling
to my death ?

? why can't the world ?

? be more like
in my dreams? ?

- pardon?
- What?

We'd better go, Mel.

- Thanks for the cookie.
- Oh, yeah.

- See you, Mel.
- Bye.

Well, this is fun,
isn't it, guys?

- Yes.
- Bret?

- Present.
- No, you don't need to say "present."

- We're just friends.
- It's just a casual, relaxed atmosphere.

- Yeah.
- Okay, I see.

Forget about all the work formalities
we normally have when we're working.

Oh, I've got you
some lists.

Just some ideas for things
we could do as friends.

"Make a coffee."

"Complain about our days."

"Watch a dvd."

I've brought
"the world's fastest indian."

Oh, great.
Do you have it on dvd?

"Build a fort."

- Build a fort?
- Yup.

And at the end here
I've got

"express our emotions"
and "have a beer."

Well, that should be around
the other way, actually...

we'll have a beer then
we'll express the emotions.

Murray, we don't
even drink beer.

We don't talk
about our emotions.

Well, that's the sort
of stuff I do with Jim.

- Who's Jim?
- Jim, my friend Jim.

- We're not Jim.
- No.

- No, you're not.
- What sort of things do you like to do?

Well, I like having
a bath, but...

well, we're not gonna
have a bath, Bret.

I know, but that's
something I like doing.

I like
to have a sleep.

All right. Well, I'll
put that on the list.

"Have a sleep."

Do you think
that's what you'll do?

Well, it's what
you like to do, is it?

So you came around here
to have a sleep?

Well, I'll probably choose some
of the other things beforehand.

That's last
on the list.

Bret, don't shine
the light in my eyes...

you'll ruin
my night vision.

Murray,
this is childish.

What, you think
building a bivouac is childish?

- Yeah, I think so.
- This is what we used to do in the new zealand army.

Do you see children
in the army, Jemaine?

- No, you don't.
- Well, actually you do, Bret, in some armies,

but not the good ones,
not the new zealand army.

- Not by the time I got in there.
- Were you in the army?

Yeah. Remember I showed you
my new zealand army uniform...

the green t-shirt
and the green shorts?

Oh, I thought
that was your underwear.

No, all the new zealand army
soldiers wore them,

and we'd build
bivouacs like this

out of any sort of
resources that came to hand.

What, out of two brooms,
some blankets and the beds?

No, not beds.

It depends what
we had, you know, handy.

Sometimes when you're in the
Bush, you didn't have brooms.

You used twigs
and leaves.

You'd be in the Bush
for days on end,

relying on nothing
but your wits.

- Oh.
- And one time...

my whole platoon had
to drink their own urine.

- Oh, were you lost?
- No, we were drunk. It was a party game.

I didn't really like
that part of the army.

- More tea, Jemaine?
- No thank you, Murray.

- I might go to bed.
- Oh, okay.

Well, I'm gonna go
to bed too then.

- See you, guys.
- Good night, Murray.

Bret, I feel like
you're my brother.

- And, Jemaine, you're our dad.
- Go to sleep, Murray.

Good night, dad.
Good night, graeme.

This is a definite move up
on the y-axis, guys.

Right, let's have
a look at the graph.

Up we go.

Oh, guys,
we've done it.

- Really?
- We have reached the next level.

I think you're
ready to meet Jim.

- Who's Jim?
- Jim... my best friend.

Come on, we're on
the same level now.

Let's have a look at the
friend agenda... the afrienda.

There's a barbeque
at my place tonight.

Perfect. We hang out like friends,

like the friends
from that program "friends."

I could be chandler,
the funny one.

Jemaine, you could be
ross, the mopey one.

And Bret...
Joey, the naive one.

- Can I be chandler?
- No, I'm chandler.

But I'm more
like chandler...

I say witty things.
I have witticisms.

- No, you don't. You're mopey.
- Yeah, I'm sarcastic.

I would just say
something sarcastic

and you'd not really notice,

but the people watching
will really appreciate it.

Jim knows me
as the chandler guy.

It's a pretty quiet
party, Murray.

It's only
just started, Jemaine.

Iook at Bret.
He's having a good time.

Hey, Bret,
you think it's rocking now,

you wait till Jim gets here...
it's gonna be twice this.

- He's like a one-man party.
- Well, does he need us then?

Oh, yeah. Just to give you an example
of the sort of funny thing he does,

have a look out
the window here. Iook.

See that? Can you see
what they are?

Jemaine and I know
what they are, don't we?

- Americanized though.
- They're breasts.

- You see the breasts?
- Oh, I thought it was a monster...

- no no, they're breasts.
...with big ears.

No, it's a naked
woman's body.

Oh, definitely. As soon as
I saw it I thought, "yeah."

Oh, we should play
a joke on him.

- Okay. Like what?
- You guys tell him

that I found you
in the Bush

and I brought you back
into the city...

I carried you back
individually.

What were we doing
in the Bush?

You were dropped
in there.

You were left by your...
your partners.

- Girlfriends?
- Yeah, your girlfriends left you in the Bush.

You must've done something
wrong. You must've upset them.

- Seems far-fetched.
- Oh, he's gonna love it.

...three, four.

Hands off, Murray.

Oh, I should go get
something on for the barbeque.

Here he is!

And the fun begins.

- Incoming. Zing zing zing
- zing!

Jim, so here's
my new friends...

- just recently added.
- Pleasure to meet you two.

- Yeah.
- So, Bret, Jemaine, tell me about yourselves.

What sort of music do you guys like?

- Rock?
- Yeah.

- Funk?
- Yes.

- Country?
- Yeah.

- Hair band?
- Yes.

- Synth?
- Yeah.

- Blues?
- Yes.

- Jazz?
- Yes.

- Jazz fusion?
- Yeah.

- No.
- Cool.

So, Jemaine, what do you call
that style of haircut?

Bret cuts it.
Ask him.

- Bret?
- Oh, I just call that the "Jemaine."

- You like sports, Jemaine?
- No.

- Bret, sports fan?
- Not really.

- You work out, Bret?
- Yeah. Yeah, um...

I ride an exercycle and run up and down
the stairs in our apartment each day.

How many stairs in
your apartment, Jemaine?

- 75.
- How many people have you met?

- How many people
have I met? - Mm-hmm.

- I don't know.
- What, in total?

- Yup.
- How many people have you met?

285,621.

Bret, do you read?

- Yeah.
- What do you read?

- I read the newspaper.
- Yeah.

Your favorite part of the
newspaper, Jemaine... what is it?

- What?
- Favorite part of the newspaper,

- what is it?
- Uh, pages?

- Nope.
- Uh, articles?

- Hm-mmm. - I don't really
have a favorite part...

Bret, you've got a favorite
part of the newspaper?

Um...

I like the stories about animals
when they've escaped from the zoo.

Cool. So you guys got any
questions you want to ask me?

- No.
- Okay, so I'll flip it back.

You guys ever grow a mustache?
You ever been stung by a porcupine?

- ? all the ladies
at the party ?

? come on and shake
your boobies, yeah ?

? who likes
to rock the party? ?

? I like
to rock the party. ?

thank you. We're flight of the conchords.

We're gonna
take a little break.

Feel free to go get a drink
or make yourselves at home,

get comfortable. We'll be
back in about 10 minutes.

Bret, I dreamt
about you again.

- Hmm?
- Actually, I'm kind of angry at you

for something you did
in my dream last night.

Yeah, you were
there too, Jemaine,

but you did
something very nice.

- Ah. Hmm.
- Oh, that's nice.

But, Bret, I just...
I feel like...

it's silly, but you should
apologize for what you did.

- Apologize for what?
- What did he do?

Oh! Oh my God. What was
the nice thing that I did?

- Oh! Ooh.
- Yeah.

- What did I do?
- I don't want to say, Bret,

but I think you should
probably apologize.

I'm not gonna apologize.
It was a dream.

- Well, actually, it seemed real, didn't it?
- It seemed like you.

- Did I apologize in your dream?
- No, you did not.

That's a shame. I should've
apologized in the dream.

You bastard.

- You bastard, Bret.
- Apologize.

I'm sorry.

- Okay.
- I should think so.

Hey, Bret, Jemaine.

It's your
new friend Jim.

I was just calling to see if you
guys wanted to go out tonight.

Give me a call.

- Should we call him?
- No.

- I think I should. It's polite.
- What for?

- He's our friend now.
- He's not our friend.

He's just a guy
who we met one time.

- I'll call him back.
- Oh, do... oh, please...

I'll just call him back and tell
him that we're busy and stuff.

We are busy. Iook.

- Murray?
- Hi, Jim, it's Bret.

- Oh, hey, Bret.
- How's it going?

- Did you hear my message?
- Yeah.

- Yeah? When did you hear it?
- Just now.

Oh. What did you think
about my message?

Um, well, I... yeah,
I liked your message.

- It was good.
- Do you like the color light blue?

- Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah, I do.
- Yeah?

So shall we get
together tonight?

Um, yeah, well...

he's saying "shall we get
together sometime?"

- What should I say?
No. Say no.

Um... no.

Oh, why not?

- Why not?
- Because he's a dick.

Because...

we're busy... just really
busy at the moment.

Did Jemaine
just call me a dick?

Um... did you just
call him a dick?

- Yeah.
- Um, yes.

- Bret, don't tell him that!
- Well, you just told me to tell him!

Bret, I didn't say
to tell him he's a dick.

- Uh, are you still... are you still
there, Jim? - Yes, he is a dick.

- Yeah, I'm still here.
- Sorry, that wa-

- am I on speakerphone?
- No, you' not. No, you're not,

- but... I got confused...
- abort the call.

...'cause I thought...
- that's all right.

I guess you don't want
to get together. Okay.

- Bye, Bret.
- Bye.

Well, he doesn't sound very happy
about you calling him a dick.

You... argh!

- Table's not really wide enough.
- What's going on?!

- Table tennis.
- Guys, this is no good.

I need my desk to work
on. This is my workspace.

It's not a rec center
for the misguided.

What if someone was to come
in now and see this mess?

Well, then we can
play doubles.

You're gonna
have to go away.

I thought we'd gone to the
next level... friends level.

Well, we are, Bret, but we
can't hang out all of the time,

not here at my work.

I'm afraid this is a drop
in the y-axis, Bret.

- A drop?
- Yeah.

Can you not put it on there? Just
'cause it's the table-tennis table.

Right, we've dropped right down
to the bottom of friends now.

But we thought
you really liked us.

You can still work
on the desk.

You just have to
ignore us, I suppose.

Jemaine, please go away.
Go away, guys.

Oh, come on, guys.

Iook, I'll make it up
to you, all right?

We'll go orienteering
with Jim on Saturday.

- Oh. No, that's okay.
- Mmm.

- Friday?
- I'll see you later.

That's all right.
Let's just go.

All right, I'll see you
tonight at tae kwan do.

- See you later, Murray.
- Don't forget.

Murray, I forgot my jock
again. Do you got an extra one?

I've only got
one jock, Jim.

Oh, hey, guys.

- Welcome to my dojo.
- Hey, Murray.

- Look, our friend Jim is here.
- Hey, Jim.

Hey, Bret.
Hey, Jemaine.

- Oh, hello, guys.
- Oh, yes.

- Hey, Mel.
- Hi.

- Hey, Mel. - why...
what's Mel doing here?

I thought we could bring a
female element into our group

like they do
on that program "friends."

She could be like the kooky
female, you know... Phoebe, is it?

- Oh, yeah, she's great.
- Who would Jim be then?

You could be...
we'll, we've got ross.

- I'm ross.
- You're ross.

- You were gonna be Joey.
- I'll just stay as ross.

You'd have to be, um...

- Monica?
- Yeah.

- It's kind of weird, but... uh...
- cool.

You know, I dreamt about you
again last night, Bret.

- It's good to have you here, Mel.
- You know, Murray,

I would really love to
learn how to attack a man.

Unfortunately, tae kwon do
is more about self-defense.

Okay, Jemaine, come at me
with all your might.

- Ah! Ah!
- Sorry, are you okay?

Mel!

Mel, stop it! Mel!

Oh, God,
I'm so sorry.

One two three four.

Ah. Ah.

- Come on, Jim.
- Hi, Jim.

- Hey, Jim.
- Hi.

Jemaine, did you call Jim a dick?

No. No, I didn't.

No. I would never
call Jim a dick.

- He did.
- I knew it. You did.

Jim wouldn't tell me...
that's not in his nature...

but I knew
something was wrong,

so I got him drunk and he told
me that you called him a dick.

Yeah. Well,
Bret confirmed it though.

- Yeah, I did.
- Is that true, Bret? You confirmed it?

- Uh, yes.
- I said it quietly on the phone

and Bret could've
just easily covered over

and said something
that rhymed with dick...

- like what?
...like a tick.

I can't believe it, Jemaine.
He's not a dick or a tick.

And, Bret, you can't
confirm that he's a dick.

You might as well
call me a dick.

I do call you
a dick sometimes.

- Same.
- I've called you a dick before.

All right, that's another
issue we need to discuss.

- He has called you a dick.
- More to the point, guys,

Jim is a cool guy.
Aren't you, Jim?

- Yes.
- You're the dick in this scenario, Jemaine...

- me?
...for calling Jim a dick. Yes.

How does that feel, a taste
of your own dick medicine?

I just... you know, I wish
could all have got on.

Friends should be friends
of friends' friends.

I tried, Murray.
I called.

- I asked questions.
- I hate to think how this is going to look on the chart.

Let's review it.

Okay, so this is, I guess,
where I gave you the bad review.

And then...
Iook at this...

a really big drop because you
guys nearly got me the Sack.

- Yeah. Yeah. - that's
a big drop in the y-axis.

But we came
to visit you impromptu.

- Okay, that was kind of nice.
- And we made your office a games room.

- Was that nice? Was it?
- Yeah, we put in table tennis.

I don't think so, guys, because
you drilled holes in my desk.

- For putting the net up. - yeah well,
what about table- tennis nets with clamps?

- Oh, the clamp ones.
- Yeah. So that's down again.

- And then Jemaine called me a
dick. - I called him a dick, so...

right, that's true.
That's down again.

Oh, you're below colleagues.
You're below greg...

worse than when we started.
Strangers.

I don't even know
you guys anymore.

So we're not
friends anymore?

No, Bret, not according
to the chart.

How's my chart, Murray?

Jim, there's your one.
Iook at that.

- Whoa!
- Really good, yeah.

- That's beautiful. Yeah
- friends as ever. Nice one.

Where do you buy
your markers?

I just get them from stationery.

Oh, here we go.
Come on, let's go, Jim.

- Friend.
- See you, Murray.

Oh! Uh, guys,

band meeting tomorrow,
so see you tomorrow...

- okay... but we'll
be... we'll be strangers,

so that'll be
uncomfortable.

Just come and give
your names at the desk.

- We'll come in and introduce ourselves.
- I'm Murray hewitt, anyway.

- Good night, Murray.
- Good night, guys.

- Bye, Jim.
- See you, Jim.

One two three four.

- Favorite sauce?
- Uh, any Brown sauce.

- You?
- Eh, still mayonnaise.

- Paper or plastic?
- I'm a paper man.

I'm glad you care
about the environment.

- I do.
- What do you call the color of your hair?

Electric copper.
What about yours?

White Gold, rust belt.

- Rust belt.
- Yeah.

? friends sing together ?

? friends do
things together ?

? friends laugh together ?

? friends may grouse
together ?

? friends help you
when you're in danger ?

? friends are people
who are not strangers ?

? friends help you shift
into a new place ?

? tell you if you've
got food on your face ?

? friends are the ones
on whom you can depend ?

? he's my friend,
he's not my friend ?

? friends are the ones
who are there in the end ?

- ? he's my friend ?
- ? they're not my friends ?

? if you trip over,
I'll catch your fall ?

? if you kick my dick,
I won't break your balls ?

- ? if you get drunk and vomit on me... ?
- come on, come on.

? I'll make sure you get home safely ?

? if you crossed the road
and a truck struck you ?

? I'll scrape you up
and reconstruct you ?

? I'll cheer you up
if you're depressed ?

? if you get murdered,
I'll avenge your death ?

? friends walk together ?

? pop & lock together ?

? me and him together ?

? me and Jim forever ?

? friends go jogging
at the track ?

? friends borrow money,
never pay it back ?

? friends do not let
friends do crack ?

? friends go out
and grab a snack ?

? friends drink beer
in the sun ?

? unlike girlfriends, they don't
mind if you have more than one ?

? friends tell you when
your fly's undone... ?

Murray, your fly's undone.

? my uncle John had
a special friend ?

? they dressed alike,
his name was Ben ?

? I've never seen
two friends like them ?

? they were very
very friendly men ?

? friends
friends friends ?

? friends friends
friends friends ?

? friends friends
friends friends ?

? friends. ?

? fantasy fantasy ?

? ooh, fantasy,
ooh, fantasy ?

? ooh... ?

? ooh... ?