Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 2, Episode 3 - Tough Brets - full transcript

# Eminem is
not very good #

# 50 Cent is
not very good #

# Snoop Dogg is
not very good #

# Mos Def is
not very good #

# But the Rhymenoceros
is very very good... #

Bass solo.
Bass solo over.

# Jay-Z is
not very good #

# Lil Wayne is
not very good #

# Queen Latifah is
not very good. #

- Thank you.
- That was brand new.

Okay, band meeting.



- Uh, well, Jemaine?
- Present.

Who else have
we got here? Bret?

- Yup.
- And who else?

Mu... Mur Ray. Oh.

Greg's written this.
He's put the Rs too far apart.

It's "Murray."
Murray, present.

Okay, item one:
Texas, Lexus...

Two rhyming words.
Do you think you could use those?

- No.
- Maybe.

"Maybe" from Bret.

Item two: Manager's notes
from yesterday's gig.

Right, here we are.

"A good gig.
Very enjoyable."

Oh, several complaints
about the noise.



You've got to remember
this is in a library, guys.

- Bear that in mind.
- But it's so hard to play there,

because everyone
wants us to be quiet.

- They're shushing us constantly.
- They're trying to read.

We might as well not be there
if we're not gonna make any sound.

You can make sound, just make it
so that people can't hear you.

Okay. Oh, I've got
another note here...

"Dissing." I don't know
what that means.

Does that make
any sense to you?

Jemaine.

Bret dissed a lot of people
in that rap that he did.

Right.
In the song, yeah.

Dissing, bad-mouthing.
Who are those guys that you were dissing?

The only one I could make out was
Snoopy. What's your problem with him?

- No, it was Snoop Dogg.
- I know he's a dog, Bret.

I'm not totally in the Dark Ages.
I do go out once in a while.

- He's lovable. Leave him alone.
- No, he's a rapper.

They're all rappers.
I was just dissing other rappers.

Just keep your dissing
private, all right?

I keep mine private.
I mean, I diss Greg sometimes,

but I keep it private.

You didn't hear that,
did you, Greg?

Yes, Murray, I heard.

You're only supposed
to hear when I have the button down.

- Can you hear that?
- It is broken, Murray.

Broken? How long
have you been hearing me?

All year.

Can we get that fixed,
Greg, please?

- Yes, I'll look into it tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?

What's wrong with that guy?

Useless. What does
he do all day?

You didn't hear that,
did you, Greg?

Good, so he didn't hear that last bit.
That's how you diss someone.

Did you see what I did there?
I didn't start a fight with Greg,

I didn't hurt his feelings.
Greg's got feelings.

Have you thought about these rappers
that you're dissing?

- You might hurt their feelings.
- Jemaine's right.

You might hurt
their feelings, all right?

Have you guys
ever had hurt feelings?

# Some people say that rappers
don't have feelings #

- # We have feelings #
- # We have feelings #

# Some people say that
we are not rappers #

- # We're rappers #
- # That hurts our feelings #

# It hurts our feelings when
you say we're not rappers #

# Some people say that
rappers are invincible #

- # We're vincible #
- # We're vincible #

# What you are about
to hear are true stories #

- # Real experiences #
- # Autobiographical raps #

- # Things that happened to us #
- # All true, bring the rhyme! #

# I make a meal for my friends,
try to make it delicious #

# Try to keep it nutritious,
create wonderful dishes #

# Not one of them thinks
about the way I feel #

# Nobody compliments the meal #

# I've got hurt feelings,
I've got hurt feelings #

# I feel like a prize asshole, no one
even mentions my casserole #

# I've got hurt feelings,
I've got hurt feelings #

# You could've said something nice
about my profita rolls #

# Here's a little story
to bring a tear to your eye #

# I was shopping
for a wetsuit to scuba dive #

# But every suit I tried was
too big around the thighs #

# And the assistant suggested
I try a ladies' size #

# I've got hurt feelings,
I've got hurt feelings #

# I'm not gonna wear
a ladies' wetsuit, I'm a man #

# I've got hurt feelings,
I've got hurt feelings #

# Get me a small
man's wetsuit, please #

# It's my birthday, 2003 #

# Waiting for a call
from my family #

# They forgot about me #

# I've got hurt feelings,
I've got hurt feelings #

# The day after my birthday
is not my birthday, Mom #

# I call my friends,
say, "Let's go into town" #

# But they're all too busy
to go into town #

# So I go by myself, I go into town #

# Then I see all my friends,
they're all in town #

# I've got hurt feelings,
I've got hurt feelings #

# They're all lined up to watch that movie
"Maid in Manhattan" #

# Have you ever been told that
your ass is too big? #

# Have you ever been asked
if your hair is a wig? #

# Have you ever been told
you're mediocre in bed? #

# Have you ever been told you've got
a weird-shaped head? #

# Has your family ever forgotten you
and driven away? #

# Once again,
they forgot about J #

# Were you ever called "Homo"
because at school you took drama? #

# Have you ever been told that
you look like a llama? #

- # Tears of a rapper #
- # Tears of a rapper #

# I'm crying tears
of a rapper #

# Tears of a rapper. #

Yes, well,
all good examples.

- Can we go now?
- But my point is:

Just be careful
around rappers, all right?

You hurt their feelings
and kaboom...

they'll hurt you more
than your feelings...

they'll hurt your pretty
little brain, Bret.

It'll be gone, then you'll have
no feelings.

- How would you like that?
- Well, I wouldn't like that.

No, none of us would.
Okay, point made.

End of meeting. Scram.

Here in the United States,
rivalries between rappers

usually result
in death or worse.

- Death?
- Yeah, or worse.

Isn't it the same way
with rappers back in Newfoundland?

- I'm not sure.
- New Zealand.

Yeah, Jemaine and I,
we're the only rappers apart from Steve,

but he's...
he's a lovely guy.

- He's very friendly.
- Which rappers did you diss, Bret?

I just dissed all the rappers
I could think of.

Oh shit. You want
to be careful, Bret.

I heard of one rapper...
he chopped this guy's whole body off,

just left
the dick behind.

Don't you mean they...
they chopped off his dick?

No, I mean they held his dick
and chopped his whole body off.

That's all he was
in the end... a dick.

Um, Johnnyboy,

thanks for applying
to be in my gang.

Do you have
any gang experience?

Do I have gang experience?
I was in the Snake Eyes,

the Duckies,
the Cuckoos,

the Vampires, the Pharaohs,
the Ballroom Dancers,

the Hobo Lords,
the Little Enchanters, the...

I was a Navy Seal
for 15 years.

- Okay.
- I'm officially AWOL,

so don't ask them about my existence,
'cause they'll deny it.

- Oh, no, I wouldn't.
- Yeah, and next thing you know,

it's "Goodbye, Dave,"
isn't it?

- Yeah, I won't tell anyone.
- I'd appreciate that, Bret.

So, Mr. And Mrs. Li,
why do you want to be in my gang?

We run the internet
cafe downstairs.

Vandals graffiti
our store window.

We want to stop them.

He says you have
a kind face.

Dave, do you have
any special skills?

I can make a weapon out
of pretty much anything

that's lying around.
Like when I'm gardening,

some a-hole tries
to sneak up and take me out...

watering can tied
to a hose.

Pop!

Cops show up,
"What's that, Officer?

No, just watering
the geroniums."

And in '54 I joined
the Monkey Lords.

After that, the Rockers,

the Gentleman Jims,
the Tsars,

the Stars, the Might Midgets
from Queens.

So you've had a lot
of gang experience, basically.

They're all gangs,
Big Daddy!

- Going down, mate?
- Yes, thanks.

- Are you a Kiwi?
- Yes, hello.

I'm Murray Hewitt
from the New Zealand consulate.

- Oh no. A Kiwi?
- Oh no.

Uh-oh.
Australian. Uh-oh.

- Australians, eh?
- We're just kidding, mate.

- We're from the Australian consulate.
- Oh, really?

How are New Zealand's
mineral exports, Murray?

I don't actually know.
It's not my department.

Ah. Is that them
there in your briefcase?

- No.
- Not in your pocket, mate?

Oh.

Murray, I think
you dropped

New Zealand's mineral
exports for '08-'09.

Yeah. Oh yeah.

- No, we're just having a laugh, mate.
- Just pulling your tit.

Yeah, just pulling your boob.
It's nice to meet you, mate.

- We should have a beer sometime.
- Yeah, okay.

That would be great.

Okay, guys, there are
gangsters out there

that have got
a major beef with me,

so I want
a defense schedule.

I need to know what times
we're available. Mrs. Li?

We can do lunchtimes
and after 7:00.

Otherwise,
we're busy in the shop.

- Okay. Dave?
- I'm available most days after 6:00

but not weekends...
and I can't say why.

Dinner with your parents?

Huh! No.

I'm available
all the time,

but I like to go
to bed by 8:00 at night

so I can build up
my Zs for the next day.

Otherwise
I get real tired.

Oh, and I got
to take toilet breaks.

I have a bladder thing.

Does anyone else have anything
like that they want to add?

Yeah, if anyone wants me to make them
a pair of these bad boys,

I'll need
about a week's notice.

- Cup of tea?
- Yes.

- Yep.
- I'd better not.

Oh yeah. Okay.

Jemaine. Jemaine!

Jemaine, hi.

- Hey.
- I have something for you. It's fan art.

Stop the car, Doug!
We're here.

Hold on one second, okay?
It's in the trunk.

- Hi, Doug.
- Hey, Jemaine. Where's Bret?

- He's in a gang.
- Wow. Are you in it?

- I don't need to be in a gang.
- Here you go.

Oh.

What is it?

You don't like it.

I do.

No, you don't. You practically admitted
that you don't like it.

- L... did I?
- Oh my God.

- You don't like it at all.
- No, I l... I like it.

- Do you?
- Yes.

You love it!
I can't believe he loves it!

Oh God, you should
hang it on your wall

so you can see how strong
and powerful you are,

like the god Ra...
the sun god Ra...

- or like a pharaoh.
- I'm not as muscley as that.

- Yeah, that's what I said.
- Be quiet, Doug.

- Be quiet, Doug.
- Doug offered to pose, but...

it's not the same.

Anyways, I made one of Bret,
but it came out a little weird,

- so don't tell him, okay?
- O... okay.

It came out X-rated,
actually...

some shadowing
on the crotch got out of hand, but...

- Got it?
- Got it.

- Bret! Bret! Bret!
- We got him good!

- Victory to the Tough Brets!
- False alarm. It's Jemaine.

- It's my flatmate. Sorry, mate.
- Can attack!

Oh shit.
Sorry, man.

I couldn't see what was going on
from around the corner.

- Hey, Dave.
- Hey, sorry, Jemaine.

We were just expecting Missy Elliot was
gonna come and chop my body off.

This is Johnnyboy, Mrs. Li.
This is Jemaine.

- Hey.
- Let's go back to combat positions.

Good one, Dave.
How was your day?

Oh, good,
thanks. Yeah.

- How was your day?
- Uh, it was good.

I've been in the ceiling
most of the day.

Bret, is your gang
gonna be here all day?

Yeah. Why?

Well, I don't think
there's a real threat.

Could you put that
in there, please?

Right. Bret, what's this I hear from one
of the band about you starting up a gang?

- You told me to start a gang.
- I said rappers have gangs

and you shouldn't
hassle rappers.

No, you said
rappers have gangs,

so I should start a gang.

Typical...
you didn't listen.

And what's this I also hear
from the same source

that your gang
assaulted Jemaine here

in a surprise attack?
What were you doing?

Is this some sort of initiation
for Jemaine into the gang?

- No, I'm not in the gang.
- No.

Why aren't you
in the gang?

He didn't even ask me
to be in the gang.

It's got to stop.

This gang
is disbandoned.

- No. Dis... what?
- Disbandoned.

- Disbanded you mean?
- Abandoned?

Yup, all of those things.

- It's gone.
- No. No.

- Yes. Yes.
- No. No!

- Yes!
- No.

- How about yes?
- How about no?

- Well, I'd rather you say yes.
- No.

- Yes.
- Uh, Murray?

Not now. I'm just in
the middle of a debate, Greg.

- Yes!
- No!

Oh, Greg, is this
about the intercom?

No, the Australian consulate
is hosting drinks on Thursday.

- We've all been asked to attend.
- Oh.

I don't really want to go to that.
Do I have to go?

- I think so, Murray.
- Can I have a "plus two"?

I don't know.
I'll ask.

- Thanks, Greg.
- No problem, Murray.

That would be good.

Nice guy,
isn't he... Greg?

- Yeah, he is.
- He's cool.

Now, Bret, the reason
I'm coming down on you so hard

on the gang situation is...
I don't want you to think less of me here,

but I actually
used to be in a gang.

That's right.

- You did?
- Yes.

Who was in your gang,
you and your mom?

No, Jemaine. It was me,
my brother Graeme,

and my dad Gordon.
Mom wasn't even allowed in it.

- No one knew why.
- So what did you do in your gang?

Well, we were a bikey gang.
We used to ride around on our bikes.

Dad was the leader,

Graeme found nice places
for us to ride to

and I was the guy
that looked after the bags.

Murray, is there anything band-related
in today's meeting?

Yes, there is, actually, but I haven't
finished my gang stories.

I might just head off...
I've got gang practice.

Gang pr... wait.

Bret... Murray, curry.
Any use to you?

Jemaine!
Hey. Hi.

- Hey, Mel.
- I was just walking past your place

and I noticed that the fan art
I painted for you

was out on the stoop
near the garbage.

- What?
- Oh, what?

If you don't like it, Jemaine,
I'd prefer if you told me.

You don't like it,
do you?

- L... I like it.
- Okay, all right, I'll just take it away.

I know what
it feels like to not be wanted.

- Mel, I had to throw it away!
- Why?

Because Bret was jealous.

Really?

Was he going apeshit?

He went apeshit.

I swear on Doug's life
I will fix this rift.

I'm gonna take this with me.
I'll be right back.

Just... Jemaine,
stay close.

I am close.
You're too close now.

No, but... closer.
Put your feet next to mine

That's it.
We're together, all right?

Okay. You said there was
gonna be cheese.

You said there was
gonna be free cheese.

There will be cheese.
Over there. Look.

Right, let's go and get
some cheese together, okay?

All right, go.

- No, you're too close.
- No, that's good.

Too close.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, the mighty Murray.

Good to see you.
Who's this, Murray... your wife?

No, his wife...
his wife left him.

Jemaine!

Is this your girlfriend then,
is it, Murray?

Huh. No, I'm just
his plus one.

Oh. No, wait,
I know who it is.

Miss New Zealand... best looking sheila
in the whole country.

Sorry, I didn't
recognize you

without the crown
and sash.

- Catch you later.
- Ah.

Who are those guys?

Idiots.
Official idiots, Jemaine.

Let's just get all their cheese and grapes
and get out of here.

No, I don't have to
put up with this sort of behavior.

- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna take it to the top.

- No, don't.
- I'm taking it to the top.

Don't take it
to the top.

- Excuse me.
- Yes? Hello.

Ambassador,
I'm Murray Hewitt

from the New Zealand consulate.
I'd like to complain

about three of your staff
members and their behavior.

Oh, sorry about that.

You should know that
I take these things very seriously.

Okay, good. Three of your
staff members have been

insulting me and my country
over the last few days.

Oh, what exactly
have they been saying?

Well, a number of things,

but most recently
they've been implying my friend here

- was Miss New Zealand.
- I'm not.

- He's a man.
- Is that true?

- Yes, I'm a man.
- Well, look, I'm really sorry about that.

But I thought Flossy the sheep won
Miss New Zealand every year.

Just joking, Murray.
Just joking.

Greg, what are
you laughing for?

# I've got hurt feelings #

# I've got
hurt feelings #

# I've got hurt feelings #

# I've got
hurt feelings... #

Mel, I could pose
for you.

Oh, no thanks.

# I've got hurt feelings #

# I've got
hurt feelings #

# I've got
hurt feelings #

# I've got hurt feelings #

# Hurt feelings #

# Have you ever been made fun of because
of where you were from? #

# Have you ever been dissed
over the intercom? #

# Have you ever found a gift
you've given thrown away? #

# Have you ever been told
that you're the wrong shape? #

# Have you ever been told that
you're Miss New Zealand? #

# Have you ever had
hurt feelings? #

Come on, Jemaine.
Let's go home.

Thanks for bringing me
to the party, Murray.

That's all right.
Good cheese, wasn't it?

- What are we doing here?
- Just stay sharp, man.

- Stay sharp.
- What am I looking for?

We're looking for,
basically, all rappers.

- All of them?
- Yup, just... you know,

Mos Def, all the guys.

Mos Def, the guy from
"Law & Order: SUV"?

No, that's Ice Cube,
but keep an eye out for him.

No no, Ice Cube was in "Are We There
Yet?" and "Are We Done Yet?"

- No.
- Yeah, he was.

Are you sure?

Yeah, you're probably
talking about Method Man

- from "Meet the Spartans."
- Who was he in "Meet the Spartans"?

- He was the Persian emissary.
- No, not him.

- Snoop Dogg... that's gotta be it.
- What was he in?

Just about everything.
He's in "Starsky & Hutch."

He was in "Soul Plane,"
"Racing Stripes"...

he was the voice
of Lightning the racehorse.

- Yeah yeah yeah.
- Yeah, you don't want him on your ass.

Hey!

Bret, Dave,
get those kids.

They graffiti
our store.

- Oh no.
- Oh, let's go the other way.

- Let's go the other way.
- No, Jemaine, no.

No, let's keep walking.

Well, on behalf
of the Tough Brets,

I'd like you
to stop graffitiing

Mr. And Mrs. Li's
internet shop.

- Who are you?
- Yeah, get lost.

Stay cool, Bret.
Stay cool.

Stay cool, Bret.

# Bret, cool your jets,
don't sweat #

# Don't flip,
don't get upset #

# Bret, let 'em go,
Daddy-o #

# Listen, Bret,
the kid's not a threat #

# Not gonna sleep
till I found him #

# I'll pound him,
I'll bet he regrets #

# He ever messed with Bret
from the Tough Brets! #

# Stay cool, Bret,
Bret, stay cool #

# Stay cool, Bret,
Bret, stay cool #

# Stay cool, Bret,
Bret, stay cool #

# Stay cool, Bret,
Bret, stay cool #

# Stay cool, Murray #

# Stay cool, Murray #

# Stay cool, Murray #

# What's the hurry? #

# Hello, Murray,
glad I caught ya #

# Who's this?
Your daughter? #

# Your girlfriend looks great,
do you want a date? #

# Just pulling
your tit, mate #

# Bam! #

# Pow! #

# Stay #

# Cool #

# I'll bet you regret
you ever messed with #

# Bret and the Tough Brets! #

# Stay cool. #

Pow.

So you should respect
other people's property.

- Ah! Yeah.
- Ow!

- Bret, you just kicked a kid!
- Sorry.

You could get
10 years for that.

That's it,
we've got to blow, man.

Let's haul ass fast.

I know a place we can hide
till this blows over.

- Come on. You dig?
- I think so.

What the hell?

When did
this thing go up?

Where's the Dapper Dukes'
hideout? It was right here.

You know, we laid low
for three straight months back in '58.

Johnny, I think
they've probably all retired now.

Where'd they go?

Come on, Johnny,
let's... let's go.

It's getting dark.
We should probably head off.

Maybe you're right, Lil Louie.
I'm getting old.

This game ain't no good
for me no more.

I'm sorry, Louie.
I'm out.

So long, Lil Louie.

So have you thought
about who's gonna

take Johnnyboy's place
as the second in command?

- Hey.
- Where the rest of your gang?

- Uh...
- What's that doing here?

I found that on
the steps downstairs.

I thought
you painted it.

Oh my... ugh.
Oh my God.

Yeah, it's a pretty
weird one.

How come
I'm wearing gumboots?

Hey, Jemaine.

- Hello.
- Hey, Mel.

So you saw my painting.

Bret loves it. I saw him bring it up
a couple of hours ago.

Is everything cool
between you two?

Yeah, it's all better now.
Thank you.

Great. What are
you doing with it?

Uh, just showing everyone
in the neighborhood.

Well, I'd love
to come with you.

- Oh.
- Yeah yeah,

let's walk it around
and get people's reactions.

- Uh...
- I'm proud of it too.

Big art opening...
around the block. Come on.

Shit.

- Who is it?
- It's the police.

Look, if my mom...

I'm not going back
to the big house, all right?

I'm out of here.
Stall 'em.

- Hello.
- Sir, we've got a report

of a kid being kicked on the street
by a group of adults.

Yes.
That was me.

They said it was
a group of adults.

Um, that was my gang.

Okay, so why'd
you kick the boy?

Well, I guess that
was gang-related.

Well, in the future,
I suggest you don't kick children.

- Mm-hmm.
- We'll let this go because we don't like

that particular kid,
but we've got our eyes on you.

Okay, Officer.

Thank you.

Whew!

Dave, they've gone.

Dave?

See, Bret? This is what happens when
you start rapping.

Good one. Look at what
you've done to David.

Bret, I want out...
I want out of the gang.

Johnnyboy's gone,
Mr. And Mrs. Li are gone.

- Where have they gone?
- They've gone to Taiwan

to visit their son Phang.
He just graduated dental school.

- Dave...
- It's over, man! I'm out.

Without you, man,
I've got no one.

Maybe there's someone else
who'll be in your gang.

- Someone whom you haven't asked.
- Who?

Jemaine's talking
about Jemaine, Bret.

You could've asked him...
or me... but you didn't.

- You didn't ask us.
- Do you guys want to be in the gang?

- Yes!
- Yeah. I'd like to, yeah.

Oh, that's cool.
Then there's four of us.

No, there's three,
'cause I quit

and so should you.
And you, Jemaine,

if you know
what's good for you.

Dave's right. Sorry, guys,
I'm out of the gang.

Well, if you're out
and you're out, then I'm out.

- Really?
- Yeah, I'm out.

You're out as well?
Well, I'm not leaving.

So that's it...
I'm in.

I'm the gang.
I'm the Tough Brets.

This is a painting
I did of Jemaine.

As you can see,
I pretty much got the handsomeness.

That's Jemaine.

If you don't believe it,
he can take his shirt off

and you can
be sure about it.

Oh, hello.
This is my painting.

I did this painting.
This is Jemaine.

This is him.
He's my muse.

He is my muse
and my joy.

People don't
appreciate art, do they?

Unbelievable.