Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 2, Episode 10 - Evicted - full transcript

We're being way too loud?

Yes, but this is
regarding the rent.

- Oh, we've paid our rent.
- We've paid our rent.

- You gave me a check.
- We gave you that check.

Yeah, but I've been
collecting the checks

and I just went
to the bank to deposit them

and they're
in the wrong currency.

- What?
- They're in New Zealand dollars.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, they're probably...

- yeah, our checkbook is...
- It's a New Zealand account.

Yeah, I need you to pay
rent in American dollars.



- Okay.
- Retroactively...

and future actively.

Well, we can't do
anything in the past.

No, but you could pay me
now for the mistakes of the past.

- Yeah.
- How much do we owe?

Over the past two years,
you've come up short

and you owe me $7,727.

Yeah.

Is that American dollars
or real dollars?

- American.
- That... we owe you that much?

Yeah, and for New Zealand
dollars, you would owe...

...that much.

Yeah.

- $77,000.
- Yeah. Yeah.



- Can we give you an I.O. U?
- No. No.

In American dollars,
not in New Zealand dollars.

No. No, I'm gonna need...

- I prefer the money.
- The money.

- Yeah.
- Soon?

- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Let me handle this, Bret.

- Can I be honest with you?
- Yes.

We don't have any...
anywhere near

that amount of money.

When do you think you will have that
amount of money?

- May I?
- Yes.

Okay, here...
here it is. Umm...

- Whoa.
- Ooh.

- Never.
- I'm going to give you a month.

You have a month to pay your rent,
otherwise you have to leave.

- Well...
- Can we choose which month?

No.

- Evicted?
- Mmm.

- By whose authority?
- The landlord.

- Why?
- Just because we were paying

with New Zealand dollars
instead of American dollars.

Okay, so he's a racist
and now you're homeless.

- Yeah, it's really terrible.
- Oh, Bret.

- Present.
- Jemaine.

- Present.
- Well, Murray, present.

I think
it might be time, guys.

- What for?
- To stage your lives

as an off-Broadway musical.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah, of course.

Is there a more
practical solution?

- No, just...
- One that relates to our problem?

Look at this.

It's time
to show you, okay?

I've been writing this
for two years...

secretly, all right?

It's a musical,
like "Mamma Mia"...

- "Mamma Mia"?
...but this is your musical.

All right?
It's your story.

- A musical?
- Yeah, about your lives.

We haven't got anywhere to live,
and you're saying

we should put on...
maybe we should put on a musical?

I think so.
The opportunity has arisen

to present this
to you, okay?

It's about a couple of deadbeat guys
from New Zealand

- who have got nothing going on.
- Wait, who are those characters?

Jemaine and Bret.
It's... it's based on you,

- and you come to America with a dream.
- How insulting.

- It says "two hopeless losers."
- Yup, that's you.

You're down and out.
At the beginning you've got nothing

and you start at the bottom,
but with a bit of hard work

and the help of a savvy manager
who shows you the light...

- Who's that?
- Oh, that's a character

who's based on me,
loosely based on me...

you make it to the top.

Our story is
the story of two guys

who start at the bottom
and with a lot of hard work

continue along
the bottom

and finally end up
at the bottom.

Oh yeah, that's
an intriguing scenario.

- Yeah, it's a rags- to-rags story.
- Yeah, imagine it.

Yeah, did you see the one about
the guys who started at the bottom,

stayed at the bottom and at the end
they were still at the bottom?

- Oh. Yes, that's our lives.
- So inspirational.

- Who'd go and see that?
- L... I think I'd see that.

- I would go see that.
- It's more realistic.

You're thinking that you're at the end
of your tether now,

but what if this is
just the beginning of your story?

Then it's a slow start,
isn't it?

This is
good stuff, okay?

I was writing this and at the same time
I was reading it.

I couldn't put it down.

- Take a look at the end.
- What happens at the end?

At the end you end up staging
yourselves a big Broadway musical

and it's a great success.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean
it's gonna happen like that.

Well, everything so far
has turned out, Bret, okay?

Yeah, but that's because it's based on
truth... this is our story...

and then you just made up
the end with a musical.

Some of it's in the future.
But look at this scene.

Look, you come
into my office

and I tell you about the musical
I've written. It's just like now.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Oh yeah, you say "Really?"
- There you go.

You've got "Really?" here.
I knew you'd say that.

- The thing is...
- Oh, we're supposed to be singing.

Yeah, when I tell you the news,
and here you love it

and you get up on your
chairs and sing, but...

- That's not gonna happen.
- Trust me, guys,

this is gonna be great.
This is our last resort.

It sure is.

Can we stay at your place
tonight, Murray?

Yeah, sure,

but I've
only got one bed

and I grope people
in my sleep.

It's a condition.

It's one of the reasons

I had to leave
the New Zealand Army.

We'll just stay
on the co... on the floor.

I'll probably
find you there.

I tend to...
I really reach out.

- I'll sleep in the kitchen.
- Mmm, okay.

Mmm, never mind.

- No?
- We'll find somewhere.

Yeah, don't worry
about it.

That's actually better for the story,
if you're homeless.

"Two homeless deadbeats
go out onto the streets."

Wow, this is
great stuff.

I'm sorry I can't
help you guys out,

but I think the other guy living in
my apartment is a dangerous drug dealer.

- Your dad?
- Yeah.

I can't have you at my apartment.
What if some crazy shit goes down?

Yeah.

And I'm not allowed to have
friends over on weeknights,

- but this place is good.
- Hey, guys.

Hi, we'd like
to inquire about a room.

Mm-hmm, sure.

But we only have
$51 American.

We only have one room
that you can get for $51...

- room 204.
- That sounds good.

Well, the thing about
room 204

is that a terrible
murder happened there...

a woman killed
her husband.

It was the most gruesome thing
I ever heard of.

What do you mean?
What... what happened?

She decapitated him,

castrated him,
defanged him.

She removed
his hands and feet.

- Right.
- I'll always remember the day

of that most horrible murder...
the 1st of November.

- Oh, that's today's date.
- Weird.

Yeah, it's today's date.
It happened earlier today.

- Eh?
- Shit.

And the police
psychologist said

she would return
to the scene...

to kill again.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh! Shit.

- Hey, Mel.
- Where's Doug?

- Oh, he's just there.
- Hey, guys.

- Oh! Shit.
- Hey.

I heard you don't have
a place to stay.

- Yeah.
- I would love it

if you'd stay with us.

Oh, we're okay.
We just got a room.

Oh.

Thanks for the offer,
though.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Actually, maybe that
would be quite good.

Thank you, Mel.
Thank you, Doug.

- Of course!
- Eh?

Okay, so another rule:

There will be no bringing girls
back to the house.

I know how
you guys are.

Actually, Mel,
I don't see any reason

why they can't bring girls back here
to visit if they want.

Uh, do you want
to bring some girls home too, Doug?

- No...
- No, that's fine.

...but I don't see
any reason why they can't.

Yeah, maybe I'll bring
some girls home too,

just find some
real authentic sluts

and just turn this house
into a whorehome.

- Is that what you'd like, Doug?
- No, It's not, but...

There will be no smoking, drinking
or drugs, no partying.

- We don't party.
- I know, that's for Doug.

Ahem. He struggled
with addiction.

Okay, number 8:

You must not leave
the house.

- When?
- What, never?

Well, not after 11:30 P.M.

And preferably never.

Umm, I think that's...

so other than those rules,
there are no rules.

Now before we turn in,
I would just love it

if you guys could play
a song for me.

The thing is
Bret is overtired

and there's a risk
of throat polyps.

- Oh.
- What are they?

Why don't I play a little something
for all of us on the harp?

Oh, Doug! No.

That is such
a womanly instrument.

Have you ever heard
of a man playing a harp?

- My dad plays the harp.
- I've never heard...

I've never seen
a man play a harp.

There you go, Bret...

- nice and tucked in.
- Thank you, Mel.

- Keep you...
- It's very tight. I can't really move.

- Okay, sweet dreams.
- Thank you.

Mel, I was wondering if we could
have the heat turned down.

- It's quite hot in here.
- Yes, very hot.

- Oh, the heater's broken.
- But I saw you turning it...

You could always
push these back a little bit.

- That's okay.
- Okay.

Okay.

Well, I am going to lock the door
for security, so...

Would you be able
to leave that open?

No, it's a very
dangerous neighborhood.

I sometimes go to the toilet
in the middle of the night.

Mm-hmm. I know.

You guys are so cute.

I could just eat you up.

Good night.

# Petrov,
Yelyena and me #

# Lost but happy at sea #

# Petrov and Yelyena
said to me... #

Shouldn't we have
something to eat?

# I say there are plenty
of fish in the sea #

# But all
they can see is me #

- # They said... #
- Any last requests?

# Biding my time,
I said, "Yes #

# I want to party,
just we three #

# Lost but happy
at sea" #

# So we drank all night
from the keg #

# I passed out and I woke
with one leg, I said... #

"Petrov, have you seen my leg?"
#He said... #

- No.
- # And he went back to bed #

# But he looked
suspiciously well-fed #

# Three days later,
they're hungry again #

- # They said... #
- Any last requests, my friend, again?

So I said, "Do you know
any Rolling Stones?"

It was a hilarious moment in
a very bleak bleak time of my life.

# So we danced all night
to the Rolling Stones #

# When I awoke,
they were chewing on bones #

# Yelyena was supping blood
from a cup... #

That's when I knew
that something was up.

Hey, Petrov, what is
that you are eating?

It's fish.

How come it looks
so much like my arm

which has been hacked off
at the elbow last night?

Oh, it's an arm fish.

# Later that night,
while they were asleep #

# I swallowed some arsenic
to poison my meat #

# I was very ill,
but revenge is so sweet #

# Unlike the last meal
my comrades would eat #

# When I awoke,
they were already dead #

# All that was left
of me was my head #

# No, not dead,
just a head #

# Lost but so lonely #

# At sea. #

Okay, now in this scene

you're back in New Zealand,
you're on your farm,

you're frustrated
with your uncle and auntie

because they won't let you go into
town to play your music.

Ready? Go.

"I just want to play guitar
with my friends."

We need you back
on the farm, Bret,

- just for one more season.
- But that's a whole another year away.

Listen to your uncle, Bret!

Murray, who's she?

Don't look at me.
I'm not here, Bret.

You're in your world, okay?

- Where'd you get this stuff from?
- You're talking to me now?

Just... if we... can we stop
rehearsal for a second?

Stop there.
Okay, stop there.

This seems very similar
to "Star Wars."

I've mixed you up with...
what's his name?

- Luke Skywalker.
...Luke Skywalker.

- Damn it.
- Yeah.

Sorry, guys, you won't
be needed for this scene.

So you've got a dad and a mom instead
of an auntie and uncle.

- Other than that it's the same.
- So the house is the same?

- This still looks...
- Houses look kind of different.

You were a farmer,
though, weren't you?

No, I was never a farmer.

- You weren't?
- Who told you I was a farmer?

- I thought you were a farmer...
- Never ever a farmer.

...back in New Zealand.
- No, not at all. I was a shepherd.

- A shepherd?
- He was a shepherd, not a farmer.

- Oh, here's me...
- I can't imagine this guy farming.

- I wouldn't know what to do.
- I don't know where I got that idea.

And what about you?
You're a farmer.

- No, I was a shepherd too.
- Yeah, Jemaine's a shepherd.

- Both shepherds?
- We were both shepherds.

- That's how we know each other.
- We met each other one time

when Jemaine lost a couple of
his sheep and I found them.

They had wandered over
to Bret's paddock.

What about the wise old guy
that you had to find

and then he taught you
to fight your father?

I think
that's "Star Wars."

All right,
scratch that character.

Yeah, no, we won't
be needing that, Greg.

Thanks, though.

We need to talk.

We had to leave
because we had rehearsal,

- and we snuck out.
- It's not that. It's not that.

We had to be there
by 2:30, so...

Doug and I have something very
important to talk to you about.

We have decided
to spend some time apart.

- What?
- Oh.

And I know this is
gonna be hard on you two,

okay, but we want you to know that
we both love you

very very very
very very much.

But where will
we live?

Well, just because
Doug and I don't wanna

be together anymore doesn't mean that
we don't want to be with you.

- This isn't about you.
- Well, actually, Mel, it is about them.

Do not say that in front of them, Doug.
It's damaging.

Now we've talked about it

and we've decided that,

Bret, you will
stay with me

and, Jemaine,
you will stay with Doug.

But I will
fight you, Doug,

and I will
get you back, Jemaine.

Why can't we all
just stay together?

Oh, Bret, you'll understand
when you're older, okay?

- You're so young.
- I'm 32.

Now, Jemaine, don't worry.
You'll still see a lot of me.

Mmm, um, yeah, probably.

And Bret, you can
still see Doug.

- Mel...
- Mm-hmm.

...are you wearing
my shirt?

Yes, I am.

Okay, cast meeting.
Bret as Bret.

- Yup.
- Jemaine as Jemaine.

- Yes.
- Writer, director, producer

Murray Hewitt present.

- Oh, hello, Greg. That looks good.
- Hey.

- Sheep.
- Good one.

All right, now we've got
some industry types in tonight,

- so just be aware of that.
- Recording industry?

No, the embassy industry.

What, some of your mates
from embassies?

Yeah, different embassies.

Right, "Lines." Okay, how are you going
to know your lines?

- Well, we've memorized them.
- Yeah, memorized them.

Who told you to do that?

I thought that's what you
were supposed to do.

No, you've gotta write
your lines down.

- Where are we gonna write them?
- All the professional actors

write their lines down
on each other's clothing.

- Do they?
- Yes, of course they do.

- Really?
- If you get stuck on a line,

you go in like this.
"Oh yeah, that's right."

"Yes, we're supposed
to go there."

We've got
300 pages of lines.

The longer the play,
the bigger the shirt.

You'll always notice
that... big costumes.

Why do they always go like this?

There's lines covered
in all the clothing.

- We've memorized it. We don't need it.
- Okay. I know,

but it's too late now.
I hope you can remember them.

Now, "Breathing." Bret, you've got
to remember to keep breathing, okay?

- The whole time.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yesterday's rehearsal
you got yourself worked up,

you stopped breathing
and you fainted.

- No, I didn't.
- You were on the ground

- for about five minutes.
- Yeah, about five minutes.

- I really got bored of that bit.
- Unconscious for five minutes?

Mm-hmm.
Okay, and finally,

Jemaine,
just a little point with your acting.

I've noticed your acting
tends to be a bit boring.

It's okay for the first minute,
then I kind of drift off.

So kind of... if you can
try and stop that, that'd be great.

- Hey, Malcolm.
- Hey.

Have a good one tonight.
You're my favorite actor.

All right,
this is it!

Onto stage.
Off you go.

Hang on! You haven't got your
costumes on! What are you wearing?

Quickly, get your costumes on!
Down that way!

Jemaine, nobody wants to listen to
the music of a couple of shepherds.

I know of a place...

somewhere we can
play music every day

without having
to shepherd.

A place called...

# America #

# I've been shepherding
day and night #

# Saving for the flight
to America #

# America... #

- Don't go there!
- They're crazy!

# In the paddock
every day #

# Trying to work my way
to America... #

- They'll kill youse!
- They have guns!

Bret, look.
There she is.

It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.

# Welcome to the land
of opportunity #

# I am the Statue
of Liberty... #

Welcome.
Welcome.

Forget about it.

# My head's stuck
in this chair #

# Gotta get my head
out of this chair... #

- Jemaine!
- Hey, there, ma'am, would you...

Miss, would you
be interested in...

# I'm selling myself
on the street #

# Just trying
to make ends meet #

# Who will buy #

# My body? #

# Nobody. #

- Is there a problem with our rent?
- Yeah, there's a problem.

- Your money ain't good here!
- But we'll be out on the streets.

- We've got nothing.
- We'll have nowhere to live.

You're in America now.
You pay with American dollars.

Now scram, you filthy
illegal immigrants.

You've got one month!

Illegal immigrants,
illegal immigrants...

# We've overstayed our welcome,
we've overstayed our visas #

# Nobody cares,
nobody needs us! #

# Nobody needs us! #

Well, guys,
I've got an idea.

We need more than ideas.
We need money.

- Wait wait, hear him out.
- # We'll put on a musical! #

- It's genius!
- It's marvelous!

# A wonderful musical... #

Yes!

Murray was right.

It was a great idea
to put on a musical.

Murray's the greatest.

Jemaine, I think
we've made it in America.

Yeah, but we mustn't forget
where we came from.

I remember.

Oh, Doug.

Whoo! Look at
the harp player!

It is manly.

- Hey.
- Well done.

- Bravo!
- Good harping.

Bravo, guys.

- Is it a hit?
- Well, it depends how you define "hit."

- You know, did people...
- Did people like it?

No, I don't think
it was that sort of hit.

- No, I didn't think so.
- But you enjoyed yourselves, right?

Well, that's what
it's about.

Jemaine, your acting...
really good.

- Thank you.
- Okay, you're still a bit boring.

And Bret, great cover
on the fainting.

I've got lots of news...
uh, good news,

got some... just a little bit
of terrible news there,

- but, umm...
- Well, let's start with the good news.

- Okay. Well, "We did it."
- "We did it."

I've written that there.
That's good.

- "We did it." That's the good news?
- That's it?

Yeah, we did it!
So that's something to be proud of.

- What's the terrible news?
- Just a bit of terrible news.

Umm...

remember I invited some
embassy officials to see the show?

- Well, that was good.
- Unfortunately the play drew

a lot of attention to your
illegal immigrant status.

Well, that's what
it's about, isn't it?

Exactly. And the dance number
"lllegal lmmigrants."

- It was a good number.
- A great number...

but not great to perform
in front of these people.

So overall great, yes,

- but also not great.
- So average?

Uh...

- Oh, do they want to meet us?
- They want to see you, yeah.

So in addition to the good news
and the terrible news,

there's also some...

truly awful news.

Good shepherding
today, guys!

Thanks, Murray!