Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Third Conchord - full transcript

Well, needless to say,

people are still talking
about me in Barcelona.

I bet they are.

- Yeah.
- Oh, hey, guys. Come in.

Good timing.

All right,
let's get started.

Band meeting, Jemaine.

- Yes.
- Bret?

- Yeah.
- Murray, present.

- And Todd.
- Present.

Good, very professional.



Murray, who's this guy?

- Eh?
- Who's this guy that's on my chair?

I'm getting to that,
Jemaine, all right?

That's in the agenda
under Todd.

All right?
Just stop jumping the gun.

You're always trying
to get ahead of things.

Item one: Todd.
He's the new band member.

Hi.

Okay, item two,

interview
with "Rolling Stones."

Now I wasn't sure
whether that was

the magazine
or the band.

I've heard from both,
I've got a no from the band...

Murray, what do you mean
new band member?



Well, that's item one.

What are you talking about, Bret?
We're on to item two now,

"interview confusion."
Do you want me to go back to item one?

- Yeah, go back to item one.
- Yeah? Okay.

Item one: Todd.

- Yeah, he's the new band member.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Right. Item two...

I didn't know we were looking
for a new band member.

Well, we weren't, Bret.
But then I just found one.

Todd, just show them what you showed
me yesterday at the dentist.

Sure.

Whoa!

Even better than yesterday.
You could see all the details

when your fingers
bounce off the skins.

Pigskin, is it?
Really good.

I'll just tell you
straight up

that all I'm really interested
in is kicking some grooves,

banging some tunes,

I don't know,
just basically getting it on.

Let me just
get that down.

- Getting down.
- Murray.

Can we have a private
band meeting, please?

Private band meeting?

Yeah, can we go somewhere else
and have a private band meeting?

Okay, all right, sure.

Come on, Todd, we're having
a private band meeting.

No, I mean
without Todd.

Murray, what's this?
We turn up and there's

some other guy
in the band apparently.

- Yeah, what?
- You know, we've got to discuss it.

This is a decision
I made as a band manager, all right?

You guys have got to
trust me sometimes.

- Sometimes I have good ideas.
- When?

Like that time I saw you
for the first time onstage.

I said "Face the front,"
and you did.

We've never looked back
since, have we?

- Still not sure about that.
- You've got to go in there

and you've got to tell Todd
he's not in the band.

It's too late,
Jemaine, all right?

I think I promised him.

I'd just been given
nitrous oxide.

I was at the dentist.
I didn't know what I was talking about.

I think I'm going
to his brother's wedding.

All I want you guys to do is just give
him a chance, all right?

- He knows his stuff.
- Murray, we don't need a bongo player.

- Have you seen him on the bongos?
- Yes.

Yeah? Is he any good?

Of course he's good.
He's great!

- Isn't he? Is he?
- He's all right.

- He's okay.
- Yeah, well, you can say that again.

And now there's
three of you in a band.

You're like a proper band.
You're like The Policemen.

Yeah, but you can't add members
to our band willy-nilly.

Look, guys, I had to.
No one else was gonna do it.

You guys weren't gonna come up with
that idea, were you?

Murray, I'm on a...

call here with
the Secretary of State.

Could you... how much
longer are you gonna be?

Oh, not much longer, Greg.
Sorry. Okay?

Look, all I want you to do
is give Todd a chance.

- Like the song.
- Which song?

The John Lennon one,
you know.

- "Give Peace a Chance."
- Give Pete a Chance.

Okay?

- Peace.
- Yeah.

Good, well...

- Wow.
- Yeah.

But, um, not every song

should end
with a bongo solo.

- Sure, no problem.
- Is that cool?

- Maybe he could...
- Maybe just a little solo...

- You could start off with...
...in the middle.

Yeah, and we'll have
a little solo in the middle.

Great.
Hey, you know what?

Can we try a song
that I wrote real quick?

- Mm-hmm.
- No.

All you guys'll do,
you'll put your guitars and bass down

and you just
go, "Arf arf!"

In the background,
like dogs.

Like bad dogs.
Arf, arf!

- Mmm, I don't...
- You get to dance and go "Arf, arf"

- while I'm playing. Arf arf.
- I'm not sure about one.

- You don't like dancing?
- I like dancing, I just...

You don't...
you don't like dancing.

- I dance all the time.
- Really?

Yeah, I dance at parties.

I dance when I'm angry.
I dance...

When you're angry?
Who dances when they're angry?

I guess that's about it.

I've never seen you dance
when you're angry.

Guys! Focus, guys.

Well, I dance often.

Let's kick into this one.
Am I right?

Arf, arf!

Uh, the thing is,

uh, we've been
practicing for 56 minutes and...

that's how long
we practice for.

- Hey, guys!
- Hi, Mel.

Whoa-ho!
What are the chances?

We're always
bumping into each other.

About one in one.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

My name's Mel.
I don't think we've met.

- I'm Todd. Nice to meet you.
- Todd's a new band member.

- What?
- I'm the third Conchord.

- Yeah.
- But...

- why would you even have that...
- Oh!

- You're the fan, right?
- Yeah.

Murray told me
all about you.

Actually, he, um, neglected to tell me
what a hottie you are.

Stop it.

Looks like the race is on.

Gentlemen, start
your engines.

Vroom!

- Vroom!
- Oh my God.

Am I right?

What do you play, Todd?

I'll give you a clue.

- The bongos.
- Oh!

Rhythmic.

- Yeah, tribal.
- Powerful.

Very physical,
if you know what I mean.

Oh, I know what
you mean, Todd.

We got to go.
Good to see you.

- Oh, all right, bye.
- See you later, Mel.

Bye, guys.

Sweet dreams, baby.

So what's she like?

She's a maniac.

In the sack?
Really?

No. What?

You guys have both
done her, right?

Oh, no.

Oh, I thought you had
a threesome with her.

No, she's just a fan.

Never had
a threesome with her.

Well, if you two homo sapiens
aren't gonna make the move,

guess what?
I'm gonna.

I'm definitely
gonna do it with her.

Oh no,
she's married.

Who cares?
I'm a bongo player in a band.

She's hot to trot.

I'm gonna make it happen.
I'm gonna give it to her.

Am I right? Damn.

Hey, am I right?

- I don't know.
- Am I right?

- Possibly.
- Possibly? I'm right.

- Well, he did all right.
- Was like a 10-minute solo.

- I know!
- He's the new guy in the band.

Wow, amazing.

What a gig. I declare this
the best Conchords gig ever.

Murray, you have to fire Todd.

Fire Todd?! Keep your voice down.
What do you mean?

He might hear you. He's the best thing
that's happened to this band.

- Why do you want to get rid of him?
- Bret, tell him.

- He's not cool.
- Yes, Bret's right.

He's not cool like us.
We're cool.

He's way cool!

He's cooler than
both of you put together.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Look at him with all his friends.
They follow him.

He's like
the Pied Piper of cool.

Pied Piper was a good
musician, wasn't he?

- He was cool
- He wasn't cool.

- Yes, he was.
- He took all those kids into a cave.

No, before that phase,
when just the rats followed him...

Listen, the Pied Piper's
not cool and Todd's not cool.

- Hey, guys.
- What's up?

I thought that went
pretty well, huh?

Yeah, went... went okay.

There was maybe
one problem though.

- And that is, uh...
- Your solos were too long?

No no no,
the band name is too long.

You have the too long
part right,

but it's not my solo.
It's the band name.

What is it?
Flight of the Con...

- Con... Conchords...
- Blah blah blah.

Too long, too boring.

We need something
that'll stick.

I think I got it.

Get ready...
The Crazy Dogggz.

Three Gs and a Z.

I like it. You guys are crazy,
you're like dogs.

We're like,
yeah, crazy dogs.

- We all are. Including you.
- Me?

- Yeah yeah.
- Oh, I don't know, but...

- Yeah, oh, I know.
- Yeah? Awesome.

- Can I get you a drink, Todd?
- I'd love one.

I don't want that drink,
but I'll take a drink.

- Yeah, love a drink.
- Yeah?

Okay, I'm just gonna
go over there and say,

"Dear Todd,
thank you very much,

but you can't be
in the band anymore."

Mmm. I don't think
you should do it, man.

You're too easily offended.

I can't believe
you just said that.

Look, I'm gonna do it.

All right, yeah,
you better do it.

"Dear Todd."
Make sure you say "Dear Todd."

Hey, how'd it go?

Bad. Bad.

I told him he was fired,
he pushed me.

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

Then he said that
you should be fired

because you're the one
holding us back.

- That's what he said.
- What'd you say to that?

Well, I hit him.
You know, he can't say that.

- You hit him?
- Yeah, I hit him. Hit him in the face.

- In the face?
- Yeah, hit... hit him right in the face.

- Wow.
- Yeah,

I'm not gonna let him
talk about you like that.

- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.

Well, we got rid of him.

Mmm.

What do you mean, "Mmm"?

- I mean... no.
- What? Is he fired or not?

Well, you see,
while I had him in a headlock,

he sort of explained why he thought
you shouldn't be in the band.

And after a while
it kind of made sense.

You were only over there
for like 20 seconds.

Yeah, after about 20 seconds
it kind of made sense.

It's hard to fire a guy
who's in a headlock.

It's easy for me to fire you, Bret,
because you're my friend.

- So what are you saying?
- You're fired, Bret.

- I'm fired?
- Yeah.

- But you can't do that...
- Listen, we'll talk about it later.

I've gotta go
to band practice now.

Todd's very strict.

Flup!

Okay, man. More enthusiasm
this time, all right?

- It's "The Doggy Bounce."
- Todd, how about you

get down on all fours and wag
your tail like you just can't fail

and I'll just play
bass, huh?

What?
It's "The Doggy Bounce."

You have to do
"The Doggy Bounce" bounce.

It's a phenomena.

Okay? Now, let's
count this shit off.

One, two,
one, two, three, four.

# Arf arf #

- # Do the doggy bounce #
- # Arf arf #

# You know
you want to do it #

- # Arf arf... #
- Don't point at me.

Stop stop stop stop.
Bret, what are you doing?

There is no guitar
in this song, all right?

There's no guitar, okay?

- Not just a little bit, or...
- No, not even a little bit.

None at all.
All right?

One, two,
one, two, three, four.

# Arf arf,
do the doggy bounce #

# Arf arf... #

Hold on, hold on.

Bret, what are you doing?

I'm not Gloria Estefan,
all right?

One percussionist is fine,
all right?

- So don't do that.
- Okay.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Sure.

Todd, I don't like
this kind of music.

Oh, you don't like
this kind of music?

- I didn't know that.
- It's stupid dance music.

It's not about the music.
You know what it's about?

# The pussy! #

- Am I right?
- Yeah, obviously you're right, yeah.

- So why do you care about the music?
- Well...

Do you guys need
to borrow my amp?

Bret, you're pathetic, man.
We don't need a roadie, okay?

- I could carry your bongos.
- My what?

No one's touching my bongos.
You know that.

Do you need someone to carry
your guitar, Jemaine?

Well, I don't really
need you to, Bret.

Okay.

I get it.

Not needed.

You know what? We got to rock out
"The Doggy Bounce" this Saturday night.

- It's not ready.
- It's totally ready.

It's not ready, Todd.

All right, you're right.
Let's get it perfect.

Yeah, let's get it perfect
and then we'll maybe do it another time.

- Yeah, am I right?
- Yes.

Two of you?
But that's going backwards.

I thought we had a proper
three-person band.

That's what you agreed on.

Jemaine and Todd,
they fired me.

So I started a new band.
This is Demetri.

- Hey.
- I met him running.

Look, I don't think
Jemaine can fire you.

They need my authorization,
don't you?

It's too late.

I'm pretty sure you need
my authorization for firing and hiring.

Don't you think?
I mean, what am I doing?

I'll check on that.

"Authorization needed...

Bret kicked out...
question mark."

Okay.

So, Demetri, what exactly
is this thing?

It's a guitboard.

No, man, keytar.
Keytar.

Yeah, he took the wrong
parts of the words.

It's half keyboard
and half guitar.

So is a guitar
or a keyboard?

Exactly.
It's the best of both worlds.

So it starts out as a keyboard
and ends kind of as a guitar.

I don't like it.
It's weird.

It's not the right shape.

- Play him something.
- Sure.

- Could you hold that please?
- Mm-hmm.

No, don't like it.

Ugh, no.
Weird.

Oh, that bit's good.

Who's this?

Oh, here we go.
The Fonzies have arrived.

This is Demetri.
This is my new band.

- Good luck.
- Oh great.

Another awkward situation.

So what's your band
going to be called, Bret?

Can't be called Flight of the Conchords,
that's our name.

It's not. It's called the Original
Flight of the Conchords.

You guys can be called
Flight of the Condors, or whatever.

We're gonna be
the Crazy Dogggz.

Shut up, Todd.

Don't tell me to shut up
in front of people.

Well, don't say what out name's gonna
be. We haven't discussed it.

Okay, Jemaine, Bret.
Can I have a quiet word?

Sure.
Come on, Demetri.

No no, private.

I'm just gonna play
some more.

- Stop talking.
- What do you play, the leather jacket?

I play the bongos, man.

What the hell's
going on, guys?

Why did you fire Bret,
Jemaine?

Well, I was trying to fire Todd
but he did a sad face at me.

I don't know if you
can fire Bret.

You're equal band members. It's got
to come from a higher authority.

- Are you sure?
- Ye... no.

I'll have to check,
but it doesn't sound right.

Yeah, I told him
he couldn't fire me.

What do you care for anyway, Bret?
You're always quitting.

Probably just quit
in half an hour anyway.

- So I've got two bands now.
- Just manage us both.

No, I can't. I'm not even suppose
to manage one band.

I'm suppose to be working
at the New Zealand Consulate, Bret.

Murray, do you think you
could find another cubicle?

Oh, sorry, Greg.
Yeah, all right.

Let's just calm down,
all right?

We shouldn't even be arguing
in front of the map.

- It's not right.
- Yeah, you're right.

You'll be okay, Jemaine.
You've got a good band. You've got Todd.

I just don't know
about your guy, Bret.

- Does he play any other instruments?
- No.

Come on, what?
Is that what you want?

I'm gonna break your keytar.
I'm gonna break your keytar.

You think I care?

# The distant future,
the year 2000 #

# The distant future,
the distant future #

# Arf arf
arf arf #

# Arf arf
arf arf... #

# The humans are dead #

- # The humans are dead #
- # Dead #

# We used poisonous gasses #

# And we poisoned
their asses. #

Whoo! Yeah!

How are the Original Flight
of the Conchords going?

It's going pretty good,
except that he copies my moves.

- What moves?
- My dance moves.

You don't have dance moves.

He also started
copying my look.

- What look?
- You know...

Oh yeah.

How's Flight
of the Conchords going?

Not too bad.

I'm not getting on
that well with Todd.

The band's sounding good, though.
The bongos sound tight.

We're doing a lot better
than you and I were doing.

I mean, Demetri and me
are doing pretty well.

It's probably better
than you and me as well.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hmm.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

Thank you. We're the Original
Flight of the Conchords.

Thank you. We're the Original
Flight of the Conchords.

Thanks very much.
You've been a great audience.

You've been a great audience.

Oh hey, guys,

band meetings.
Come on.

Leave those girls alone
there and come over.

- Okay, Bret.
- Mm-hmm.

- Demetri.
- Mm-hmm.

- Jemaine.
- Standing right next to you.

- Todd.
- Present.

Nice.
Good one.

And Murray, present.
Okay.

Went really good tonight.
Really good, you two.

- Thank you.
- And good, you two too.

But I think in the future
I won't put you all on the same night

because you're playing
the same songs, okay?

Actually, Jemaine, what about
that song of Todd's?

- You could do the one about the dogs.
- "The Doggy Bounce."

- Bring that one in. I like that one.
- Arf arf.

- Yeah, it's not ready though.
- You know it's ready.

- When it's ready we'll do it.
- It's ready!

Oh, hey hey hey, guys!

- Chill out!
- It's been ready! It's been ready!

Come on, listen.
Look, shake hands.

We're not having this.
All right?

- He's squeezing my hand a little bit.
- Are you?

Just my regular handshake.

There's no squeeze there.
What a wuss.

Right, I'm glad
you're all here

because I've got a crazy idea.
It could be big.

But what about if we put
the two bands together

to make one superband?

- A four-man supergroup?
- Yeah.

So we've got
bongos, bass,

guitar and...

- the keytar thing.
- Keytar.

- Todd, what do you think?
- Well, actually, Murray,

um, Demetri and I have been
talking and we...

we think it would be better

if we just go it alone.

- What?
- What?

- I'm sorry.
- What are you talking about?

Todd and I are going
to start a group...

our own group without
Bret and Jerome.

We're the Crazy Dogggz.

- Arf.
- Arf. See that?

Are you crazy?
What, the bongos and the keytar?

Todd!

Murray, I... I really appreciate
you giving me a shot

and I just...

I just think
we're more compatible.

I'm flabbergasted.

# Oh yeah #

- # Oh yeah #
- # Doggy bounce #

# I know what's happening #

# There's really
nothing to it #

# Arf arf... #

# You know you want
to do it #

# Bounce bounce,
doggy bounce #

# Do the doggy bounce #

# Bounce bounce,
doggy bounce #

# Bounce bounce,
do the doggy bounce #

# Bounce bounce,
doggy bounce #

# Bounce bounce,
do the doggy bounce #

# Bounce bounce,
doggy bounce #

# Bongo solo #

# Arf arf #

# Put your bootie on the floor
and get down on all fours #

# It ain't against the law,
make your hand into a paw #

# Bounce bounce,
doggy bounce #

# Bounce bounce,
doggy bounce #

# Bounce bounce,
doggie bounce #

- # Bounce bounce #
- # Oh yeah #

# Doggy dos
and doggy don'ts #

# Doggy wills
and doggy won'ts #

# Arf arf,
do the doggy bounce #

# Arf arf,
do the doggy bounce #

# Doggy dos
and doggy don'ts #

- # Doggy wills and doggy won'ts #
- # You know you wanna do it #

# Arf arf,
do the doggy bounce #

# Arf arf,
do the doggy bounce. #

# Arf arf #

- # You do the doggy bounce... #
- Bret!

I don't know why you don't like it.
It's a good song.

- Hey, Mel.
- Hey, Mel.

- Mel!
- Mel!

Oh!
Oh hey, guys.

- How's it going?
- Good. You know, just really busy.

Just crazy life...

stuff going on.

Hey, you got one
of the Crazy Dogggz t-shirts.

No.

It says Crazy Dogggz on it.

I've got to go, actually.
I'm pretty late.

- Oh.
- Yeah. It was great seeing you.

Oh... uh... okay.

Hey, Mel, you didn't
make it to our gig the other...

- Oh, yeah.
- There was no one there...

without you there.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Murray.

Hey, Murray.

Well, sorry I haven't
been in touch.

I've just been so busy,
man, you know?

- How are the Crazy Dogggz?
- They're a phenomenon.

Number one in 24 countries.

- They say hi?
- No.

Have you seen
the music video?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, terrible.

- I helped direct it.
- It was good.

- Know the dog? It was my idea.
- Really?

- It's Toby.
- How was South America?

Oh, awesome.
Really good, thanks. Yeah.

We did one gig...
98,000 people.

That was in Rio.

Then the President of Peru
invited us to like a dinner.

We had parfaits.

I got like a big sun lounger.

Do we have any gigs,
Murray?

Yeah.
Yeah, you've got the library.

They want you back
for the bingo night.

That was good the first time, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Actually that's the same night that
the Crazy Dogggz have got a big gig.

- Giant Stadium.
- How giant is it?

That's what it's called... Giant.
So I'm guessing pretty big.

So I'm gonna go there first,
set them up,

and then come back to
the library, help you guys out,

and then probably to and fro
between the library and the stadium.

Yeah, Murray, it seems like you're
spending a lot more time

with the Crazy Dogggz than us.

No, equal time.

Check my schedules,
it's equal.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I can't discuss it now
'cause I've got to go.

I've got lunch
with Tori Amos.

Yeah yeah.

Keep practicing, okay?

See ya!