Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Actor - full transcript

# Are you feeling
the feeling? #

# Feeling the feeling #

# That I'm feeling #

# That we're feeling. #

Yeah!

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you, Mel.

- Thanks, Mel.
- Thank you, Murray.

Um, we're Flight
of the Conchords

from New Zealand.

Ha! New Zealand.

And I just want to say thank you
on behalf of Jemaine and myself...



- Not...
...for coming out...

- Not me.
- Oh.

Well, just on behalf of myself,
thank you for coming along tonight.

- Good night.
- Yes!

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Looks delicious.

I thought that went
pretty well.

It was terrible.

It was just the wrong
sort of crowd.

You can't
call that a crowd.

Yeah, three's a crowd.

- Yeah.
- That was definitely a crowd.

Excuse me, Bret?
Jemaine?

- Hi.
- I was in the audience.



- Uh, you were the guy with the soup?
- Yes, I was.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh yeah.

- What was the soup like?
- It was good.

We get some free soup
for doing the gig.

Oh. Hey look,
watching you guys out there,

I was blown away, man.

Your act
is sensational.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

Yeah, I love the attention to detail
with your stage characters.

- Yeah.
- The idea of a pair of naive idiots

from New Zealand...
it's so simple, it's genius.

You just pick an obscure
backwards country

that nobody knows anything about...
very funny.

Very funny.
So where are you guys from?

The Julliard School
of the Performing Arts?

We're from New Zealand.

Okay, wh...
New Zealand!

I love New Zealand,
it's... that's great!

That's good information
to find out.

L..."Lord of the Rings,"

Frodo.

The ring.

Anyway, don't let me bore you with
my knowledge of New Zealand.

Here, in case you ever
need my services,

I'm gonna give you my card.
I would love to work with you guys.

What do you do?

I am
a semiprofessional actor.

Wow.

Brilliant.
I can't say it enough.

- Brilliant.
- This says "Dry Cleaners."

The other side.
Written in pencil.

Oh, yup.

I thought you guys
did really well.

Yeah, I thought
it was good.

Maybe you could work
on your crowd work, you know?

Get more of a rapport
with the audience,

get them all clapping.

I tried to talk to a guy
but he told me to shut up

'cause he was reading
the paper.

Oh, you don't disturb people reading
the paper, Jemaine.

Could be big news
he was getting into.

We need to get
bigger audiences.

I know, I thought
this one would be big.

What am I doing wrong?

Maybe it's something
we're doing wrong.

Would it help if
our music was better?

Possibly, yeah.

It doesn't matter
how good your music is

if no one's there
to hear it.

What about if we give out
some free pencils?

No, you're not in
New Zealand now, Bret.

I know, but we gave
them out, remember that?

We got a box
of 20 pencils...

- Yeah.
...and that night...

- 20 people.
...20... everyone was there.

I know... I know,
all the bands did it.

This is America.
It's different.

Murray, did you manage
to get us a record deal?

- Probably not, I guess.
- Good guess. Nothing.

Not even a "Thanks for the demo.
We're not interested.

But thanks again
for trying...

every day."

- Say it.
- Cheer up, Murray.

Cheer up.

# Cheer up, Murray,
don't let it get you down #

# Pick yourself up
off the ground #

# It's gonna be
all right #

# Cheer up, Murray #

# You look
a little sad #

# Your life
ain't so bad #

# Just think of all
the good times #

# Remember your
33rd birthday? #

# You threw
a great big party #

# And all of your friends
were there for you #

# Jemaine, Greg and me #

# We brought you
a cake in the shape #

# Of a four
and a three #

# 'Cause we all thought
you were 43 #

# You've got a dog #

# He loves you,
Murray #

# It's one hell
of a dog #

# It's an English
bulldog #

# You've got a car,
don't you, Murray? #

# It's an '03 Accord #

# Only one
previous owner #

# And you've got
a job #

# You've got all
of your limbs #

# You've got
a sensitive nose #

# And you do
tai kwan do #

# You're good at matching
your ties to your clothes #

# You've got a wife,
though she comes and go-o-oes #

# Some people don't
return your calls #

# They don't
return your calls #

# People will call you
"Ginger Balls" #

# They'll call you
"Ginger Balls" #

# But those people don't
know what they see #

# They just see
Ginger Balls #

# Ginger Balls #

# Cheer up, Murray,
it's time to forget #

# Your wife met
someone on the net #

# Let's go and get
an ice cream #

# Cheer up, Murray,
so nothing goes your way #

# It's the same
every day #

# Well, tomorrow is
another day-ay. #

Oh, thanks, guys.

And you organized the soup.
That's good management.

Yeah, how'd you manage to
get us some soup? Huh?

Oh, speaking of which.

We need you guys to
clear out of this room.

The janitor needs
to use the mop sink.

Uh, I'm actually
the manager of the band.

I believe we've got
two soups coming.

We ran out of soup
two hours ago, Marty.

Sorry.

I couldn't even
get that right.

So you have to call up
our manager, Murray,

and pretend you work
for a big record label

and just tell him
to keep on trying.

Yeah, give him a rejection call
to cheer him up.

- Okay.
- He's a little bit sad.

Okay, I get it.
So I just say,

"I heard your stuff, it's not for us,
but keep trying."

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- That's perfect.
- Okay, good.

So tell me a bit more about
this character you want me to create.

- Hmm?
- Who is this record-label guy?

What makes him tick?

It's you pretending
to be someone else.

I see. Okay.

Already I'm getting
a feel for this guy.

Uh, listen,

let me demonstrate a few characters.
You'll see.

This is Stefan,
who is like...

Hey, hello.

I'm Stefan.

Then there's
Big Eddie,

who is this tough,
no-nonsense mobster,

and he is like this...

Hey, what... what's with
all the commotion?

What's this commotion?

Explain to me
what's with the commotion!

Whoa.

- That's very good.
- Flippin' awesome.

P... probably not right
for this... this though.

- Probably.
- Yeah.

Okay, well, I...

I have been working on
a character from New Zealand.

- Okay, what's he like?
- Oh.

Hey, watch out,
you flamin' drongo!

Don't be such
a flamin' bloody drongo!

Could... could you do it
in your normal voice, maybe?

No.

That's not acting.

Well, I think
I like the first one.

- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Um...

did we mention that
we really can't pay you...

- Can't pay you.
...at all?

Opportunity is
in itself reward.

And so it begins.

Ding.

Could you guys
leave, please?

New Zealand Consulate,
Murray Hewitt speaking.

Is this Murray Hewitt,
the band manager?

Yes. I'm him.

Murray, this is Stefan
from the record company.

Stefan who?

Stefan... Gucci,

you know, from
the record company.

Okay, well...

which record company
was that?

You know, the...
the big one.

- Sony?
- Yeah, uh-huh.

- Sony.
- Have you got the demo CD then?

Listen, Murray,
all of us here at, uh...

- Sony?
- Exactly.

Uh, we all think you're doing great work
with the Conchords.

Really super stuff.

Thanks, that's nice to hear.
Thanks, Stefan.

Look, the bad news
though is for...

some very
good reasons,

we can't sign your band
in the short term.

So you're not offering us
a record deal?

No. But...
but you are brilliant.

You are great,
and I love the guys.

Well, if you like us so much, why can't
you just offer us a deal, you know?

You're just not what we're
looking for at the moment, okay?

God.

Please offer us
a record contract.

Please?
I'm begging you.

Come on, please.

Please.

Please give us
a record deal.

Oh, come on.

Okay then.

- Really?
- Yeah, why not?

Thank you!

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Look, we won't let you down.
You won't regret this.

I'm sure I won't.

Gentlemen,
welcome to the restaurant!

Thanks for flying in
from L.A., Mr. Gucci.

That was
extremely quick.

Well, I flew
in a supersonic jet.

Wow, a supersonic jet.

- How about that, guys?
- Hmm.

It is great to meet you guys
for the first time.

Be polite.

Great to meet you,
Mr. Gucci.

- Mmm.
- "Good to meet you."

- A real pleasure.
- Good, nice.

Shall we have
a seat?

Right.

So, the record deal.

Uh yes.
Mr. Gucci,

sorry but my manager here

has appeared
to have made a mistake.

Yeah, he thinks you've
offered us a record deal.

I think you've offered
us a rejection deal.

No no, he's offered us
a record acceptance deal.

- That's not right, is it?
- No, Murray's absolutely right.

Yes, it was
a rejection call,

but then I turned you round,
didn't I? With my managing.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

He started crying.

Ah. Yeah well,
anyway,

we're here to negotiate
the deal now, aren't we?

- All right?
- Exactly.

Now listen, guys, I don't want to blow
smoke up your ass.

No, not gonna...
do that sort of thing.

We're thinking
a $1-million deal

and we are firm on that, okay?
That's our final offer.

No.

No way.

- Yes.
- No.

Okay, two million.

I thought you said one million was
your final offer?

Two million, but I want
a 90/10 split.

Ah. I see.

Ah. Right.

Well, that's
a terrible deal,

so, sorry, we can't do it.
Oh well.

No no no no,
let's negotiate.

Um, Stefan,

please, what about a...
a flip-around?

I mean, if we could go for
the 90 and you have the 10?

Super.

Whoa. See what
I did there?

Huh? Yes!

Where do we sign?

Uh, well, I don't... I don't think
we should be so hasty...

- We got it.
...here.

- Be hasty.
- No.

I don't... this is
a good deal, you know?

- Yes.
- Is it, though?

- Yes.
- Is it?

- Yes.
- But...

- but is it?
- Yes.

Well, what about for you?
Is it a good deal for you?

Oh, quite frankly, this is
a terrible deal for me.

Do we want to do deals
with people

who do such terrible deals
for themselves?

- I think so.
- Why not?

- Yeah.
- Bret!

Uh... no idea.

Yeah, I see.
We need to make sure

that your record label
has the right ideas for us.

Oh, I've got some
great ideas.

- Name one.
- Lunch boxes.

Great.
Put the band's name on it.

- Yeah?
- Yes yes yes yes yes!

That could work too.

Or... how about this?
How about this?

We make a music video
to coincide

with the 10th anniversary

of "The Lord
of the Rings" trilogy.

Yup.

I know Peter Jackson,

and he was very excited
by this idea.

Well, that would have to
be a "no," though.

All right, look.
Time-out there, all right?

Sorry, Stefan. I'm just gonna have
a word with the guys.

All right?
Come on.

What are you doing?

- I got a little carried away.
- Yeah.

You weren't supposed to
offer him a record deal.

I'm sorry about the deal,
but from an actor's standpoint,

- Oh!
- Jemaine!

Stop annoying him.
Come here.

- Emergency band meeting. Jemaine?
- Yes.

- Bret?
- Mmm.

Murray, present. Now this seems like
a really really good deal.

Yeah? I haven't seen
many music deals.

- Any. You haven't seen any.
- I haven't seen any.

But I know a good percentage
when I see one.

It does seem a little
too good to be true.

It is too good
to be true.

That's why we should
go for it.

- Come on.
- I've done the mathematics in my head.

The percentages
are in our favor.

- There you go.
- Yeah.

- I know.
- I think maybe we should take the deal.

Let's put it
to the vote. Yeah?

- All those in favor say "Aye."
- Hey.

- Aye.
- Aye.

- Nay!
- No, two ayes,

one nay, you're gone.
Motion carried.

We've got it!

Stefan, we'd love to take
the $2-million deal!

- Great!
- What are you doing?

I just got a bit
carried away. I was...

just... Stefan's
so good at it.

Ben. He...

Yeah, but, I mean, Murray,
he's having a good time.

I know it's not real,

but lunch boxes...

Congratulations, man.
That's awesome.

- Way to go.
- Thanks, Dave.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, but it's not real.

- Yeah, it's not real.
- You know?

I mean, what do you
think we should do?

I think you've got to
use honesty here.

I mean, you know,
it's always the best policy.

Like, the other day
there was five...

or maybe there was like four,
really hot foreign chicks,

either like Swedish
or Korean in my shop.

- Wow.
- And they were like, "Dave,

we want to have a five-way with you,"
and I just told them,

honestly, "Okay."

Then I just gave it
to them hard.

That's the best way
to go.

And then after that, they're like,
"Hey, will you marry us?"

And I was like, "Excuse me,
but I don't think

monogamy is legal in this country,
I don't know where you're from."

But you've got to
try honesty.

It works the best.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, we should tell him the truth.

We've got to tell him
before this gets out of hand.

Okay, guys,
come on.

Look a bit more
afraid, okay?

Don't be scared of the sand...
the dirt on your feet, Bret.

There's condoms around here.
Used condoms.

Put your feet
down properly.

Okay, so you're scared,
you're huddling together.

Ringwraith is coming.

Get your ring out.

And action!

Okay, Mel?

- Yeah.
- Now you're Arwen, all right?

- Liv Tyler.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, so I want you
to command the water

to do your bidding.
Okay?

L... I can't understand
a word you're saying.

- Articulate, all right?
- It's Elvish. That's Elvish.

- Are you chewing something?
- No, it's Elv...

it's... it's my
native tongue.

- Is it?
- Yup.

All right.

Okay, go.

Yes! That's it!

- Was that it?
- Yup, that's it.

Whoo!

Where are the guys?

# Frodo #

# Don't wear the ring #

# I know
it's very tempting #

# Yes, you will appear
to disappear #

# But the Dark Riders,
they'll know you're there #

# Yes, Lord Sauron has
many spies... #

Many spies
have many eyes!

# One ring to bind them,
to find them #

# One ring
to rule them all #

# One ring to bind them,
one to find them #

# One ring
to rule them all #

# Yeah! Little Frodo #

# You've got to
rule them, Frodo #

# Rule them
with the ring! #

# Come on, rule them
with your ring... #

Lord Sauron has many
spies and beasts

and birds.

If you want him,
come and claim him!

Do they, Gandalf?

I'm not a conjurer
of cheap tricks!

I can't carry the ring,

but I can carry you,
Mr. Frodo.

You have my sword.

And my bow.

And my axe.

Mordor.

We'll never make it.

There's thousands of them
and only nine of us.

- Oh.
- We made it.

Hurray!
We made it.

# Yo Frodo, what you doin',
wearing the ring? #

# All-powerful jewelry,
is that your new thing? #

# I know it's hard when you're little
more than 3'4" #

# Your little ass
so close to the floor #

# Tryin' to lead the fellows
to the gates of Mordor #

- # The Fellowship #
- # Yeah, the Fellowship #

# I don't rap
about bitches and hos #

# I rap about witches
and trolls #

# 'Cause I'm passing
on the word to the elf king #

- # Wisdom to all: Frodo #
- # Don't wear the ring #

# Frodo #

- # Don't wear the ring #
- # The magical bling-bling #

# You'll never be
the Lord of the Rings. #

Guys?

- Bye!
- See you guys.

It's been a really
great day, guys.

- Really great.
- Yeah.

I just want
to savor this moment.

Here, have a cigar each.

- Oh.
- Come on.

- I don't smoke.
- Oh yeah, I don't smoke.

Well, neither do I,
but it's a special occasion.

I was gonna
keep this secret, but...

I might as well
tell you.

Tomorrow night,
I've booked a VIP lounge

at a very posh nightclub,
for the wrap party.

- Is it expensive?
- You deserve it.

- No, we don't.
- No.

- Of course you do.
- Yeah, Murray,

um...

there's something
Jemaine wants to tell you.

- What, about the video?
- Yeah.

There's something I've got to
tell you about the video.

I know.
That it's the best thing

I've ever done
in my life, right?

- Yeah.
- It is, yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- It's all right. I already know that.

I know it is.
Thank you, though.

I'm gonna put
my hat back on.

Eh?

Here you go, guys.
You want some of this?

Enjoy the party tonight.
I manage the band.

I'm the band manager.

Get into it.

Rock 'n' roll!
Whoo!

There we go.
Whoo!

Cheers,
good times.

I like to rock the party.
Hey, what about a photo?

Hey hey!
I'll keep that one.

I'll get your email
address or... okay!

I'm the manager
of the guys.

There's the band
over there.

You like
"Lord of the Rings"?

You'll love
the video we've made.

I'm gonna do a speech, I think.
It's time for that.

You can't hear
the clinking.

Can I have the music down,
please, DJ? Please?

- Oh, we don't...
- All right.

Sorry, everyone, I just want to have
a few words.

I'm not gonna
keep you long.

But I just feel like
I should say something

to mark this
historic occasion...

um, about the guys,
Bret and Jemaine.

Get up guys, everyone.

Come on, come up
and stand up here.

- Whoo!
- Just come around, stand beside me

on each side.

Um, I've known these guys
for a while now.

When I first met them, I knew
they had something special,

something I like to
call the "A" factor.

Which is, when you see them,
you go "Eh!"

You know, there's that
something special there.

And I remember when they
first came into my office...

- remember?
- Yes.

- A while ago now, they had
their guitar cases in tow,

and they walked in
and they announced,

"We can't find our passports,"
or something.

- What was it?
- "We've lost our passports."

"We've lost our passports."
I knew at that moment

that these guys were
gonna be huge, you know?

They just... they've got something
about them, an aura.

A... a year and half
of, you know,

not always good times.
There's a lot of struggle.

Wasn't there?
Depressing,

- a lot of it?
- Some depression.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

But we're here now.
We're here, down the track.

And this is it.
We've passed the point,

it's all been worth it.

Tonight's about
celebrating the success.

So, charge your glasses
and drink up tonight,

- 'cause it's all on us.
- Uh, no, we...

- Yup!
...probably shouldn't.

Don't worry about it, Jemaine.
Here's to Flight of the Conchords!

The drinks are on us!

Well, welcome to
your new life, eh?

- Mmm.
- How's it feel?

More champagne?

Uh, no, I'm just
having water.

Water? Unsuccessful
people have water.

You're on champagne now.

Murray, I think we should
probably go home.

Yeah, I've got
the check here.

Whoa, $600.

How are we
gonna pay for that?

- Eh?
- How are we gonna afford that?

Stefan gave me
a code.

Special industry code,
pays for everything...

drinks,
jet boats, caviar,

everything.
Watch this.

- I think...
- Waiter?

- Yes, sir?
- I'd like to settle the bill, please.

Put on a little bit on for yourself,
100 bucks.

- That's fine.
- Oh, thank you very much, sir.

- It's all right.
- How will you be paying?

Uh, with the code.

- Code?
- Come in, I'll tell you.

5768-745...

2156.

Sir, I don't know
what you're talking about.

- 576...
- Yeah, I heard you the first time, sir.

I just don't have any idea
what you're talking about.

That's weird. I bet Meatloaf never had
this problem, eh?

You know, the music code...
pays for everything.

Sir, we accept
MasterCard, Amex or Visa.

Bret, see if you can get that cork back
in that bottle, will you?

I'm gonna give
Stefan a call.

Murray, um...

we need to
tell you something.

- What?
- Ben isn't actually a record executive.

- Who?
- Stefan.

He... he's not a record executive,
he's a dry cleaner.

What do you mean?
Of course he's an exec.

Good one. What about
the conference call

between him, me,
Peter Jackson,

the guy from the mafia?

- Eddie, from the mafia?
- Yeah, that's him.

- Fat Eddie?
- Fat Eddie, yep.

- "Lot of commotion"?
- That's what he...

how do you know
about that?

That's just one of the characters
that Ben does.

Characters?

One man did all
those characters?

He's semiprofessional.

You're telling me that
this is all a joke?

Not a joke, but...

Organized by a couple
of jesters!

Is this you, is it?
"Oh, let's do a jest,

a great big...
great big lark

in the courtyard
of the king,

and see how he
takes it!" Is it?

- Is that what you're telling me?
- Yes.

Well, that went better
than I thought it would.

Yeah, that cleared it up.

Guys...
hang on, okay?

That was not me.
That was Stefan.

But it was you.

No no no no.
Stefan is his own person.

- It looked like you.
- Sure!

You play Stefan.

Stefan works through me.
He's like a spirit.

Well, it ended
terribly.

We had this big wrap party that
Murray put on

and he paid
for it himself.

Spent a lot of money
on the music video,

the Ringwraith costumes.

And he might have to
move into his office

'cause he can't
afford his rent.

When he lives in his office, he washes
his underpants in the sink

and dries them
in the microwave.

It's very humiliating
for everyone involved.

You guys are
absolutely right.

Okay, I guess, I...

sometimes I just...

underestimate the power
of my own acting skills.

- Mmm.
- Yeah.

Look, I want to
make this right.

How much
did Murray spend?

Oh, he spent
about $700.

No, including the video shoot,
it was more like $750.

I'm gonna say
$1,000,

payable to
Murray Hewitt.

Ah.

All right, I feel good
about this.

- That's very generous.
- Yeah.

Um, this is
a laundry ticket.

Yes.

But I will
send you the money

as soon as
I get to Hollywood.

Mmm, when are you
gonna go to Hollywood?

Didn't I tell you guys?

I'm going to
Hollywood right now.

That big part has
finally come in.

Martin Scorsese
is doing a movie

about a dry cleaner.

- What's it called?
- "Dry Cleaner."

So I'm off
to Hollywood right now.

- It was great knowing you guys.
- Okay.

- Congratulations, Ben.
- Thank you, thank you.

Oh at least that's...
that's good news for Ben.

Bret...

he's acting.

You think that was acting?

He's acting.

- God, he's good.
- He is good. He's very good.

Could you guys
please leave?

- We're waiting on our dry cleaning.
- Fuck.

Thank you, Ben.

- Murray.
- Oh, look who it is.

In you come.

The merry jesters.

Have a seat.

I'm just having
another look

at Stefan's professional credentials.

"To Ben, thanks for keeping
me clean, Art Garfunkel."

I thought that was some
sort of drug rehab thing.

"Your whites are
the whitest."

Well, thought that
was a Beatles album.

"To Ben, thanks for dry-cleaning
my clothes for me,

Debbie Harry."

That makes sense now.

We're sorry, Murray.

For what? Huh?

Making me look
like king of the dicks?

We just thought you needed
some positive reinforcement.

It's all right. It's not
even your fault, really.

I'm the dick.

I should have seen it
at the meeting.

A 90/10 split.
That's ridiculous.

Not even "Crowded House"
gets a 90/10 split.

- Don't they?
- No.

80/20, maybe,
but 90/10's unheard of.

I know it's pretend, but I thought
you did really well in that meeting.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Eh, Bret?
- Yep.

Well...

I didn't want to
say anything, but...

I was hoping
you'd bring that up.

I kind of
felt that as well.

- Did you?
- Yeah, I did do well, didn't I?

- You did?
- Yeah.

That was my...
my proudest moment,

that meeting.

Oh look, it's my undies.

Ooh, hot.

Excuse me.

So many empty seats

and a story to go
with each of 'em.

You've got
that right, Jim.

Oh, and one more thing:

You know that ticket stub I gave you
from the dead guy's suit pocket?

- Yeah.
- Look at the date.

Seems a little unusual

that a man would go out
to the theater

three days after
he's been reported kidnapped.

You know, Max,

you should have
been a cop.

I should have been
a lot of things, Jim.

I should have
been a lot of things.