Flight of the Conchords (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 1 - Sally - full transcript

Man, back in New Zealand,
I was getting it on with lots of chicks.

- Who?
- Well, uh...

Sarah Fitzpatrick,

uh, Michelle Fitzpatrick,

Claire Fitzpatrick...
the list goes on.

- That was all of them?
- Well, triple figures.

No that's not triple figures,
that's three.

Here though, I...

I don't seem to get with any women,
I just talk about getting with women.

Yeah, but the ones
you talk about are hot.

They're a lot hotter than the ones
you got with in New Zealand.



That's true.

I do talk about getting
with some pretty hot women.

You don't just talk about it, man,
you talk about it a lot.

Yeah, I suppose
I do talk a lot

about getting with
some very hot women.

- This should be it.
- Yeah, this is it.

This is Dave's place.

- Yeah it's Dave's party.
- Oh, right.

We didn't need a map.
We just live down there.

Hey, Dave. This is
an awesome party, man.

- Yeah. Great decorations.
- Mm-hmm.

How's it going?

Yeah, it's good,
but look, guys,

I don't want
to be a dick



but could you guys,
like, move away?

I'm trying
to look Ionely.

Lonely? What for?

Chicks are attracted
to Ionely guys.

It's a psychological
analogy.

And what about
Eugene?

He knows
what he's doing.

Well, you just look like
you're waiting.

You look good, but you look like
you're waiting.

Guys, go have a samosa.

Have you tried the gulab jamuns?
They're off the hook.

What I was trying
to say before is that

after six or seven weeks
girls find me boring.

- Mmm.
- But I'm not sure what happens,

because I mean that's about how long
it takes to get to know someone.

Mmm.

Can you move
away, please?

Sure. How long for?

30 minutes.

Okay.

# Yeah-ah-ha #

# Looking 'round the room #

# I can tell that you #

# Are the most
beautiful girl in the... #

# Room #

# In the whole wide room #

# Ooh #

# And when you're
on the street #

# Depending on the street #

# I bet you are definitely #

# In the top three #

# Good-Iooking girls
on the street #

# Depending
on the street #

# And when I saw you #

# At my mate's place #

# I thought,
"What is she doing... #

# At my mate's place? #

# How did Dave get
a hottie like that #

# To a party like his?" #

# Good one, Dave #

# Ooh, you're
a legend, Dave #

# I ask Dave if he's
gonna make a move on you #

# He's not sure, I said #

# "Dave do you
mind if I do?" #

# He says
he doesn't mind #

# But I can tell
he kind of minds #

# But I'm gonna
do it anyway #

# I see you
standing all alone #

# By the stereo #

# I dim the lights down
to very low, here we go #

- # You're so beautiful #
- # Beautiful #

# You could be a waitress #

- # You're so beautiful #
- # Beautiful #

# You could be
an air hostess in the '60s #

# You're so beautiful #

# You could be
a part-time model #

# And then I seal
the deal #

# I do my moves,
I do my dance moves #

# It's 12:02 #

# Just me and you #

# And seven other dudes #

# Around you
on the dance floor #

# I draw you near,
let's get out of here #

# Let's get in a cab #

# I'll buy you a kebab #

# And I can't believe #

# That I'm sharing a kebab
with the most beautiful girl #

# I have ever seen
with a kebab #

# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh #

# Why don't we leave? #

# Let's go to my house #

# We could feel each other up
on my couch #

# Oh no, I don't mind #

# Taking it slo-o-ow #

# No-oh-oh, yeah #

# 'Cause you're
so beautiful #

# Like a tree #

- # Or a high-class prostitute #
- # You're so beautiful #

# Mmm, you could be
a part-time model #

# But you probably still
have to keep your normal job #

# A part-time model #

# Spending part
of your time modeling #

# And part of your time #

# Next to meeee... #

# Hee-hee hee-hee hee-hee #

# My place is usually
a little tidier than this. #

- Hey guys.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey, Bret.

That's just Bret.
Turn the light off, Bret.

No no no. It's okay.
Leave it on.

Um, I should
probably go.

Are you sure?

So on or off
with the light then?

Yeah, um...

I'll call you. Okay.

Okay.

What happened there?
Did I do something wrong?

- I don't know, I couldn't really see.
- I did all my moves.

I walked on the outside of her.
I bought her a kebab.

I paid for half the taxi.

Should I have paid
for the whole taxi?

Should I have paid for
the whole taxi?

- Hmm?
- Bret?

- Bret?
- Did you...

did you walk on the outside of her?

- Yes.
- I don't know then.

I'm going to sleep.

Hey, Bret, I think I know
where I went wrong.

Hmm?

I think I know where
I went wrong last night.

Yeah?

Yeah, Sally wanted to leave
when you turned the light on.

I think she
found it weird...

the whole thing
with you there with the...

with the light... on.

Yeah, I think it
might also be

because she and I
used to go out.

Yeah. It's 'cause you and her
used to go out,

but also because
of the thing with the light.

She's thinking, "Oh...

this is a nice situation."

But then, "Ugh, who...
who turned on the light?"

Yeah.
Yeah, maybe.

But I think it's mainly
because her and I used to go out...

for, like, six months.

Yeah, well... yeah, it's mainly because
you used to go out,

but also mainly because of the whole
situation with the light.

Yeah, but the last thing
you want to see

when you're hooking up
is your ex in the same room.

Yeah, and you also don't want to be
startled by a light, do you?

Hmm.

May I interject?

- Hmm?
- What do you think of this?

It's good.

I'm getting them
for the building.

- Right.
- I just think she found it off-putting.

Do you want
to give it a shot?

- All right.
- Just a...

It doesn't work.

Okay, guys, band meeting.

Bret?

- Yep?
- Jemaine?

- Jemaine?
- Well, yeah, obviously.

Here?
Well, you're here?

I'm here, so why do I have to
say that I'm here?

It's just so I've got it
all written down, you know.

Yeah, but I'm here,
so if you can see me here...

Murray, present.
See? Even if I do it.

It's just how we do it.

So how was, uh,
Dave's party?

- Oh it was good.
- Mmm, it wasn't that good.

You're both aware
I wasn't invited?

No.

Jemaine, did you know?
You did know?

- Yeah.
- You know, eh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Thanks.

"Jemaine knew."

Item one: Fan base;

Ways to increase
the American fan base.

What fan base?

- The fan base of the band.
- You mean Mel?

That's not a fan base,
that's just a woman.

Yeah, but I'm calling it
a fan base from now on.

It's just easier
when I call,

because if you say,
"Oh, the fan will be there,"

they can tell there's only one person.
I'm trying to make it look bigger.

It's a base... put "base"
on the end of it, okay?

- That sounds good.
- It sounds better.

- I came up with that.
- Do we have any gigs, Murray?

Yeah, I'm getting to that.

I've got a lot
on my plate, Jemaine.

I'm not just a band manager.

- Murray?
- Yeah.

Uh, I wanted you to okay
the new subway poster.

Oh wow, Greg.

What about another
exclamation mark?

I don't think
that's necessary.

Not necessary, no.

That's... good.

What happened with the gig
at the Aquarium?

It was kind of
a misunderstanding.

Um, there was
a typo in the ad.

It was sand they wanted.

Sand, you know,
that wavy font?

It looks like a "B,"
but it was an "S."

But I sent the demo.

So the good news
is that, uh...

they liked it.

They might play it
in the lobby.

- Okay, that's positive.
- Item two...

that's it.

Have you guys got any ideas?

- Uh, music video.
- Oh, a nice one, Bret.

I was just going to say
the same one.

Okay, nice one,
Jemaine and Bret.

I can take Friday
afternoon off, no worries.

- Don't we need more money for...
- Helen?

Hey it's, uh,
it's Murray...

Hewitt. Yeah.

Good. Can I get
Friday afternoon off?

Right.
All right, thanks.

Yep.

How does Saturday
morning sound?

Oh, hey guys.

- Hey, Mel.
- Hey, Mel.

Hey, whoa.
Crazy meeting you here, huh?

What, outside our house?

Yeah! Bret!

You're so funny.
I love your sense of humor.

What are you doing down
Mr. Lee's stairwell?

Jogging. Hey, where were
you guys on Tuesday?

I went to your gig.

I was at the Aquarium
for hours just waiting.

They wouldn't let me stay
after 1:00 a.m., but, um...

- what time did you guys play?
- It was canceled.

Oh, that sucks!

That's bullshit!

Well, the fish
were beautiful.

They were breeding...
it's mating season

and I... I saw
fish make love.

- I don't think we want to hear that.
- No, it's really interesting.

Actually, you know
quite a few species of fish

require two or more
sexual partners...

We have to go now, Mel.

Where?

- Um...
- Home.

That's right.
Yeah yeah.

You... you just
came from home.

Yeah, we're just
popping out for a second

and then, um,

that's all we were going to do...
just get some air.

- Mmm.
- Oh.

We always have
such a fun time

when we're hanging out together.
Awesome.

It's a good cake, man.

It doesn't make any difference...
Isabella.

- I don't want cake...
- It's top quality.

- Get out. I don't want your cake!
- 20 bucks. Give me the TV.

What an idiot, trying to
sell me a cake.

- It was a beautiful cake.
- Yeah, it was.

So did you guys
have fun at the party?

- Oh, amazing fun.
- It was okay.

I'm sorry I couldn't
make it, Dave.

But I, uh,
wasn't invited.

Oh, that's okay.

Hey, Jemaine,
how'd it go with Sally?

Yeah, pretty good.

- I, uh...
- Yeah?

Not that well.

You and her used to go out
before, didn't you?

No, that was me.
She went out with me.

Oh. Oh!

Hey, Jemaine, I don't know how they do
things back in England...

New Zealand.

Yeah, whatever.
I don't really give a shit.

But the point is, going out with your
best friend's ex-girlfriend

while you still live
with your best friend,

that kind of thing would be considered
a little weird here in the U.S.

Actually it'd be quite weird
in New Zealand as well.

Jemaine, you should
think about that.

I've told you...
when you're in a band,

you don't get with your bandmate's
girlfriend, past or present.

- Yes, thanks for that.
- You get a love triangle.

You know?
Fleetwood Mac situation.

Well, there was four of them
so more of a love square,

but, you know,
no one gets on.

Okay, I see.

Mind you, they did make some of their
best music back then.

- "Rumors."
- No, that's all true.

Well, the thing is
Bret's cool with it.

- I'm not that cool with it.
- If Bret's cool with it, that's fine.

Have you got
any video cameras, David?

- Sure, what's your budget?
- Budget?

You mean you need
to bring in a budget?

Like, how much
do you want to spend?

Do you want
a printed-out budget?

No, I want to know how much
money you want to spend...

I haven't worked it all out.
We haven't got much money.

And... action!

I don't think that's
a proper camera, Murray.

- Yeah, a mobile-phone camera.
- I think it's mostly a phone.

It's not what they'd use on a music
video though.

It's what's we're using, isn't it? It's
all I've got. It's taking good footage.

- You look good.
- Is it?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

What are these
supposed to be?

Those are your function buttons
for the robot.

- They look like nipples.
- Don't touch them!

I spent ages making these, guys.
It looks good.

Now let's just start again.
That's all I had.

It doesn't look like
Daft Punk.

We wanted ones
like Daft Punk.

I don't know
who he is.

You're just robots from the future,
all right?

Try not to walk
so funky, Bret,

because you're...
try and make it less cool.

More like...

you know, electronic...
hide your neck.

Put your...
that's right. Okay.

# The distant future,
the distant future #

# It is the distant future,
the year 2000 #

# We are robots #

# The world
is very different #

# Ever since
the robotic uprising #

# of the mid-'90s #

# There is
no more unhappiness #

# Affirmative #

# We no longer say "yes" #

# Instead we say
"affirmative" #

# Yes, affirmative #

# Unless it's a more
colloquial situation #

# With a few
robo-friends #

# There is only one
kind of dance... #

# The robot #

# And the robo-boogie #

# Oh yes #

# Two kinds of dances #

# Finally, robotic beings
rule the world #

# The humans are dead #

# The humans are dead #

# We used poisonous gases #

# And we poisoned
their asses #

- # The humans are dead #
- # He's right they are dead #

- # The humans are dead #
- # They look like they're dead #

- # It had to be done #
- # I'll just confirm they're dead #

# So that we could have fun #

# Affirmative, I poked one,
it was dead. #

It's just that I think
she might be the one.

- Sally?
- Yeah.

What makes you
think that?

You just know. When it happens to you,
you'll know.

- You said Michelle was the one.
- Yeah, she's the one.

- You said Claire was the one.
- Yeah, she's another one.

So you get more
than one "one"?

Some people are lucky.
I've had a few ones.

So how many ones
can you have?

Five.

- How many have you had?
- Three.

How many have you had?

Just one.
Just one.

Yep, okay.

Okay, well, I'll see you
later then.

Okay, bye.

Hey, um, Bret?

Do you think it would
be okay if Sally and I

had the apartment
to ourselves tonight?

- What for?
- Some time alone.

Mmm, I was going to be working on
my secret project.

Your helmet that
looks like your hair?

- Yes.
- How's that going?

It's going pretty good. I still need
to get more body in the hair.

- It pretty much looks like a helmet.
- Right.

Well, could you do that
tomorrow night?

It's helmet-hair night,
man, not really.

I mean, I've been
thinking about it for ages.

It's on the board.
You know about it.

You said you were
going to help actually.

Because I can't really see what
I'm doing when I've got it on.

There's nothing booked
on any other night.

- Why don't you...
- It's just...

Could you swap it
for Tuesday night or...

- the other nights?
- Well...

how about you just maybe
don't go out with Sally

so I can hang out
with you guys?

That'd be good.

What are you
talking about?

I can't hang out with you guys, can I?
It's a bit weird now.

Of course you can
hang out with us.

Come to dinner
with us tonight.

I don't want to go on a date
with you and my ex-girlfriend.

It's going to be...
that's going to be weird.

- It won't be weird.
- That is going to be weird, man.

It won't be weird,
we're all friends.

I like Sally.
You like Sally.

She used to like you.
She really likes me.

- You like me.
- I suppose I do.

It won't be weird.

- No, it's going to be weird.
- It won't be weird.

- That is going to be weird.
- It won't be weird.

- It will be weird.
- It won't be weird.

- It will be weird.
- It won't be weird.

You know, it is actually a bit weird
with you here, Bret.

Yeah, I should go.
I'll go.

It's fine,
it's fine.

Bret... Bret was saying that it was
going to be weird with him here

and I... I said it wouldn't be weird,
but it is a bit weird.

Oh.

- Eh?
- Yeah, it is a bit.

Um, it was nice
to see you, Sally.

- You look beautiful.
- Bret, this is my date.

It's just feelings.

You do look beautiful,
I was just about to say that.

- I think I'll probably go.
- No, stay.

Actually it's just like
when Bret and I went out

- and you were always around.
- I've ordered my main, I'll stay.

- I think you should go.
- Yeah, I should go. It's a bit weird.

Um... I wouldn't have
ordered the duck.

I spent all my money
on the duck.

Would you be able
to bring the duck home?

- Yeah, yep.
- Okay.

Yeah, I'll go
and nice to see you.

- Bye, Bret.
- See you.

- Yeah, bye, Bret.
- You'll bring the duck?

Yeah, I'll bring the duck.

- That was weird, wasn't it?
- Yeah, a little.

- Hi, Bret. Are you okay?
- Oh, hey, Mel.

- Jemaine's on a date with Sally, right?
- Yeah.

How does that make you feel?

Not good.

Bret, don't worry
about Sally.

I never thought she was
right for you anyway.

What didn't you
like about Sally?

Well, I haven't
actually met Sally.

I just... sometimes I think the thing
you're looking for

is often standing right
in front of your eyes.

What are you going
to do tonight?

Uh, I'm not sure.

Mel, can we go now?
We've been here for 21/2 hours.

- Is that Doug?
- That's Doug. Don't worry about him.

Just 'cause I'm married to Doug
doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

- Thanks, Mel.
- You can tell me anything.

Anything. I promise
I won't think you're a pervert.

Okay. Thanks.

Have I shown you my picture
of Jemaine's lips?

- No.
- I have it here in my wallet. Look.

Those are my cousins, and there...
that's... that's Jemaine's lips.

- Oh yeah, that's them.
- Mel, we really have to go now.

We said we'd call your mom
and she'll go to bed soon.

You should go. I'm fine.
I'll be fine.

- Good seeing you, Bret.
- See you, Doug.

- See you... see you, Mel.
- Yeah.

Bret, don't worry
about Sally, all right?

Whenever I was watching
the two of you

it was obvious that you were more into
her than she was into you.

- Really?
- Yeah, you could really tell.

She always looked
kind of bored.

Oh.

Thanks, Mel.

Hey.

- Take care.
- See you.

I was thinking maybe we could go
somewhere special this weekend.

What was that place
you went to with Bret

that sounded romantic
and... and cheap?

I'm not sure.

I'm... I'm quite busy
at the moment.

You know what? I've left duck juice
all down your top.

- I don't think we should go out again.
- It's really oily.

You're probably going
to need to get that dry-cleaned.

- Bret should pay for it really.
- Don't worry about my top.

Okay, that's good.

I don't think we should
see each other again.

I think it's best if we just
pretend this never happened.

- Maybe we could have a break?
- A break?

No, there's...
there's no relationship.

Yet. We could
start with a break.

It's not...
it's not going to work.

I'm usually more
charismatic than this.

No, um, it's not that.
It's just that...

I don't know, I was just looking for
a bit of fun this summer, you know?

And when I met you
at that party, I was drunk.

- I was really drunk.
- So, you're leaving, aren't you?

You looked kind of cute
when I was drunk.

I knew it. When you said
just then when you told me

you were leaving,
that's when I definitely knew.

Maybe what I really want
is an Australian.

But if you're trying
to break my heart...

Maybe you guys
know some...

...your plan is flawed
from the start.

I already broke up with Bret,
so I already broke up with you...

You can't break my heart, it's liquid.
It melted when I met you.

If you think about it, we're not really
breaking up now...

- Mmm, hmmm.
...because we never really went out.

- And as you turn around to leave...
- Jemaine?

...don't turn back to me.

Don't turn around and see

if I'm crying...
I'm not crying.

# I'm not crying #

# It's just been raining #

# On my face #

# And if you think you see some
tear tracks down my cheeks #

# Please #

# Please #

# Don't tell my mates #

# I'm not crying #

# No, I'm not crying #

# And if I am crying #

# It's not because of you #

# It's because I'm thinking
about friend of mine #

# That you don't know
who is dying #

# That's right, dying #

# These aren't
tears of sadness #

# Because
you're leaving me #

# I've just been
cutting onions #

# I'm making a lasagna #

# For one #

# Oh, I'm not crying #

# No #

# There's just a little bit
of dust in my eye #

# Dust from the path
that you made #

# When you said
your goodbye #

# I'm not weeping because you
won't be here to hold my hand #

# For your information #

# There's an inflammation
in my tear gland #

# I'm not upset because
you left me this way #

# My eyes are just
a little sweaty today #

# They've been
looking around a lot #

# Searching for you #

# They've been
looking for you #

# Even though
I told them not to #

# These aren't
tears of sadness #

# They're tears of joy #

# I'm just laughing #

- # Ha #
- # Ha #

- # Ha #
- # Ha #

# Ha #

# I'm sitting
at this table called love #

# Staring down
at the irony of life #

# How come we've reached
this fork in the road #

# And yet it cuts
like a knife? #

# I'm not crying #

# I'm not
cry-y-y-y-y-y-y-ing #

- # Yeah #
- # No. #

Me and Sally
had to break up.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It wasn't working.

I can see why you broke with her.
She was hard work.

Oh no, she broke up with me.

Yeah.

She broke up with me too.

That's what I mean... it was hard work
staying together with her

- wanting to break up all the time.
- Oh, okay.

Didn't you break up and then get back
together for a while?

Mm, yeah. Well, for like,
six or seven weeks.

And then, you know...
boring.

How did you do that?

- Do what?
- Get back together.

Oh, it just happened.

Mmm, where?

Um, at her place.

I cooked dinner,
you know.

Mmm.

What did you cook?

Are you trying to get
back together with Sally?

No. Just making chitchat.

Oh, okay.
Macaroni.

Yeah.

# Can't we just
talk to the humans? #

# A little understanding
could make things better #

# Can't we talk to the humans
and work together now? #

- # No, because they are dead #
- # Binary solo #

# 0000001 #

# 00000011 #

# 000000111 #

- # 0000001111 #
- # Oh #

- # 0000001 #
- # Oh oh #

- # 00000011 #
- # Oh oh #

- # 000000111 #
- # Come on, sucker #

- # Lick my battery #
- # Boogie #

- # Boogie #
- # Robo-boogie #

# Boogie, robo-boogie #

# The humans are dead #

# Once again without emotion #

# The humans are #

# Dead-dead-dead-dead-dead... #