Flack (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Danny & Deepak - full transcript
With Robyn clearly not coping, the team are called in to contain Danny Davis and make sure a live TV show goes to air. The truth comes out and Robyn pays the price.
Cheers, Ned.
Hello. How are you doing? I'm good.
How are you? I'm good, yeah.
I need to get this inside.
Alright, everyone.
We're gonna rehearse
the top of the show in 20 minutes.
Please let Danny and Deepak know.
That's 20 minutes in TV One.
- Balls. (?)
- Thank you very much.
What the fuck?
Oi! Rioja?
Do I look like Antonio Banderas?
Danny!
Get me a couple more and
get me something Argentinian.
Don't look at her, she's not Mum.
Cheryl won't let me see
my boy again, I know it.
One thing, keep her and the boy out
of the press. I promised her.
We can fix this.
Fix it?
Fix it? It's happened, Robyn.
These papers are being printed.
Semi-retired codgers are gonna
be driving them up and down
the country in their Renault Kangoos
so the nation can enjoy
my fucking breakdown with
the Sunday morning crumpets.
It exists. It's solid.
It's matter!
Hey, Danny.
Take it easy.
I need a line.
Danny!
Danny!
You can't do that there.
What if someone sees you?
What? What? What are they
gonna do? Go to the papers?
Eh? Come on. Here you are,
you bottom-feeding bastards.
Get a load of this.
Get! Get down!
Sit.
I've fucked it.
I've fucked it.
Look, Danny,
I know that it may feel like
the house is falling down right
now, but... sometimes we need that
so that we can rebuild
from the foundations.
It was him.
What?
Deepak did this.
Sorry, what do you mean?
He's the only one that knew,
the little cock-nosed wombat.
Yeah, he's making a play.
He's jealous.
He's jealous. He's jealous of
me because everyone likes me,
because I've got the charm.
He thinks he's Billy Big Balls.
What he doesn't realise is
nobody likes Ernie Wise.
Yeah! You take the funny man away and all
you're left with is a boring twat!
Yeah. You can't have Kenan without Kel.
You can't have Cannon without Ball.
You can't have... one Ronnie.
Calm down.
Yeah, nobody wants the Olsen sister.
They want the Olsen twins!
Yeah. Except for Elizabeth Olsen,
but that's a different thing.
He'll never be Elizabeth Olsen!
I'm gonna kill him. Prick!
No! Danny!
Get off.
Get inside.
No!
Calm down.
Why are you so strong?
Heh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Saggy-baggy-bollock-bags!
Help me! Ahh!
Oh, shut up.
What are you doing?
What's that? What's that?
You're gonna calm down
and let me handle this.
Don't fucking move.
Sounded like it went well.
You, stay here. Don't let him leave.
How's Deepak?
He's got this pious sort of
'I told you so' thing going on.
I think part of him is relieved
that the world finally gets to see
the Danny he has to work with.
Which I get, 'cause it's a fucking
nightmare being
partnered with an addict.
Sorry, I didn't mean you.
Don't tell me you don't
have a choice to run it.
I take it Caroline's here.
I thought she was setting up
mission control downstairs.
Fine. Then I won't have a choice
when I nail your ear to the front of
a dirt bike and ride you face-first
through a field of
undetonated shit-mines.
Belle!
What's the temperature?
Catastrophic climate change.
She's raging at Reese
for pulling this shit.
You haven't heard anything
from her, have you?
Reese? No. Why would I?
Have you got that deceitful
muff chugger on the phone yet?
She's not picking up.
I'm going to break into
a sperm bank and forcibly
impregnate her with a firehose,
just so I can murder her children.
We had a deal. I want to know who
her source is, and how in the name
of Dame Maggie Smith's bleached
arsehole we did not know about it.
Danny, status?
Uh, not great.
He's flying over the cuckoo's nest.
I'm not surprised. Within 24
hours, the nation is going
to be reading about the adventures
of Danny Davis and his
wee willy winky whilst taking
their Sabbath morning dumps.
So what's the plan? I've spoken
to the channel controller
and they have pulled him from the show.
Really?
They can't take the risk
of him having a meltdown on air,
and neither can Danny.
He is on his ninth life.
Well, what about Deepak?
Deepak... will be presenting
with Ashley Dhillon.
The warm-up girl?
Yes, it's all sorted with production.
She's green, but she's got charm.
Either way, her profile will rocket
after this, so we need her locked in.
Belle. Belle, Belle, Belle, papers.
Also, I want you to write Deepak
a heartfelt statement for the top of
the show. Ride the male
mental health angle hard.
Eve, he's yours.
I was just heading over
there to check on him now.
Oh, are you waiting
for your Uber? Go!
Jenny from Sky News is on hold.
Mormon Jenny or Jenny with
the gay husband? Gay husband.
I want you to talk to Reese.
She won't listen to me.
Make her.
Hi, Jenny. Thanks for calling back.
How's things with Fabian?
Ouch.
Mm-hm.
You cannot call me today.
You need to tell Caroline to back off.
She keeps leaving
these angry voicemails.
She makes Alec Baldwin
sound like a Buddhist monk.
You haven't told anyone I
stayed over at yours, have you?
Well, I did post this cute
picture of you asleep on my
Insta-story, but I only posted it
to close friends.
I'm serious.
If this comes back to me...
Chill the hell out, Robyn.
I'm a journalist.
We have anonymous sources.
Why are you calling me?
I want an exclusive with Danny.
What? Caroline is
never gonna go for that.
You stabbed her in the back and now
you want us to give you an exclusive?
No, you just stabbed her in the back.
I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Robyn, I've been looking
for you everywhere.
Everything alright?
Yeah. I, um - I need you
to draft a speech for Deepak for
the beginning of the show.
Me? Yeah, just a draft.
I'll prep and proof,
but there's stuff I need to do.
But...
It needs to say that, with
great regret, Danny will not
be appearing on tonight's show
and that over the next few days,
there will be some revelations in
the press, some of it lies, some of
it truth, and that he's seeking
treatment because he doesn't want
his personal issues to get in
the way of your entertainment.
Insert joke here, blah, blah, blah,
something about forgiveness,
love, friendship,
poor Danny, poor Deepak. Big finish,
standing ovation. Got it?
Uh, no, not really.
And I need you to get
Ashley Dhillon to sign this.
Ashley Dhillon, the comedian?
Yeah, she's co-presenting
and Caroline wants her on
the books. Counting on you.
I have to take this.
Ruth! Oh, my god, thank you
- so much for calling me back.
- Rob, it's me.
Mark.
Can you put Ruth on the phone, please?
Afraid she doesn't want
to talk to you, Rob.
I'm just ringing to say
I'll drop your stuff off
at your office on Monday.
Mark, put Ruth on the phone.
She's not gonna speak to you. Sorry.
What, so she's forgiven you, then?
She can let you back in but
she can't forgive her own sister?
Because you made one mistake
and you've spent the last
three months regretting it.
I think because I made a mistake,
but I've spent every moment since
that mistake trying to make up for it.
Whereas she just makes a mistake,
and then another mistake,
and then they just get bigger
and bigger and bigger.
And unfortunately, when you
make a mistake, you
tend to follow it up with
another, and another and another,
and it just keeps going on and on.
And then when you do finally
forgive her, she just reoffends.
Look, I think essentially, what
I'm trying to say is that forgiveness
doesn't seem to help you.
It just lets you go on and on.
Look, I know I fucked up.
I have a problem. You do,
and you have my sympathy,
but you have got to fix it
because it is hurting people.
It's hurting Ruth.
Hey, no, no, don't tell her about the...
But there's a bigger picture,
Rob, here, that we have to consider.
We cannot allow volatility
into our children's lives.
It'll screw them up.
You know that more than anyone.
Ruth, please.
Please, can you hear me? Ruth,
honey, please just speak to me.
Your sister loves you more
than you can imagine.
More than she'll ever love me, but she
can't have you in her life. Not like this.
Please.
It's gonna break her heart, Rob.
This is on you, it's not on her,
and I'm begging you, if you do
love her, you will not contact her
unless you can guarantee that
you won't let her down again.
I'm rooting for you, Rob.
I really am.
Don't...
Come in.
Hiya! I'm Melody.
I hear that you
are co-presenting today.
Jesus, I haven't presented
a full show before.
I'm absolutely dropping my
doughnuts here. I'm shaking like
a cat crapping an avocado stone.
So, what do you do, Melody?
Um, well, I am actually part of
MPPR. We represent Danny and Deepak.
What are you doing here, talking to me?
Shouldn't you be manning the lifeboats?
Um, no, actually, I was just
wondering if you had anyone
looking after your PR. Me?
I had to get the bus here, Melody.
I can only afford
single-ply toilet paper.
I do not have anyone
looking after my PR.
Well, I think maybe in light of
everything, you might want to
think about having someone
to look after your interests.
Is that what you want to do, Melody?
Look after my interests?
I...
OK, um, I saw you performing
at the Edinburgh Festival.
It was in a wine bar, to, like,
six people on the free fringe.
And you made me laugh so hard that
I farted and I had to tell the guy
that I was on a date with that
it was just a squeaky chair.
Well, I'm very sorry about that.
You've got more funny in your bones
than both those clowns out there.
This is a real opportunity for you.
We both know these stupid straight
white guys are just gonna fuck,
fondle, faux-pas their way out of
a job, and when they do, which
they will, we need people like you
in the wings waiting to capitalise.
We can make sure that you're
at the front of the queue.
What do you cost?
First three months we work for free,
and then once we've tripled your
earnings, we'll talk about fees.
Ooh, I like your confidence.
I've gotta say, Melody,
that was one hell of a speech.
Feel like I'm in 'Wolf of Wall Street'.
I want to go out and punch
a dwarf or something.
Excellent. Right, I am...
I'm gonna leave you to prepare.
Hopefully, we'll be working
together again very soon.
Yeah, I certainly hope so.
Here. What happened to your nose?
Oh, uh, it's just a spot.
Do you know what? Actually, no,
it's not. It's not just a spot.
Um, I got my nose pierced
a week ago, and I panicked,
so I've just been wearing
this plaster on it ever since.
Show.
Come on, Melody, you're gonna have
to rip off the band-aid,
both literally and figuratively.
I love it.
- Really?
- I do.
Stop walking around like you've been
punched in the nose
and wear it with pride.
You are cool.
You are hot.
You are a baked Alaska.
OK.
Thanks.
Break a leg.
Eve, relax. This is Danny's
mental health we're talking about.
Look, all I want is for
my friend to get better.
That's all that matters, right?
Where's the teabag?
Took it out.
You took it out?
Why would you take it out?
Get the fuck out of here! No, no,
no, leave the tea. I want the tea.
OK. Have you heard
from the channel head yet?
Does it affect our contracts?
'Cause the contract refers
to us both, and I'd like
to know if one of us breaches,
does it void it for the pair? There you
are. Where the hell is everyone?
OK, so, uh, I'm really going
to need to start talking
through the set pieces.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've just signed up to a
fixed-rate five-year mortgage.
I'm digging into my basement to
build a resistance pool. Oh, nice.
We've just had a 3.5-year legal
battle with the drummer from
Def Leppard to get that pool.
Had to agree to letting him build
a driving range. He's got one arm.
How does he even hold a golf club?
Deepak, darling, I really
need you to focus.
- Danny's not going to be doing the show.
- Excuse me?
Yeah, excuse me?
About bloody time. I've been
saying Deepak should be doing
this on his own for enough time.
Haven't I been saying that? What do
you mean he's not doing the show?
He's a liability. He just relies on
Deepak to do all the hard work
whilst he's off at the Groucho Club
hanging out with strippers and
getting women to blow cocaine up his
arse with a straw. Narinda. Ahem.
What? You told me he got a girl
to blow cocaine up his arse
with a straw. And I told you
that in confidence. Wait, wait.
Can we just rewind a second?
Danny is not doing the show, at all?
No. Ashley Dhillon is gonna do it.
What?
Ashley Dhillon? Is she even funny?
Oh, she is great.
Have you not seen her?
Wait, wait. No, no, wait.
Mine and Danny's energy is a very
much boy-on-boy chemistry.
We have a very laddie, cheeky chappy
boys next door thing going on.
Girls can live next door.
Girls aren't funny.
Ahh.
Sorry, I don't...
Don't Tweet that. I didn't mean...
What I meant was, on the whole,
the general public doesn't find
girls funny. That's what I meant.
Sure. That's much better.
Look, Ashley's great.
We have a script. We just need to
make sure you get through the show
without any major meltdowns.
I'm sorry, dear, who exactly
are you again? 'Cause I'm George.
I'm the director.
I'm running this show,
and this is the first
I'm hearing about it,
so maybe you could tell me
who's making these decisions.
I'm Eve. We look after
Danny and Deepak's PR.
PR.
Right. So we're employed by them
and the network, so that's
essentially, yes, your boss's
boss's boss, to make sure that they
remain the unstoppable money-making
presenting duo that bring in 75% of
this channel's advertising revenue.
Oh, and keep shit-kickers
like you in a job, dear.
I'm not sure about this.
Danny's in no fit state
to present a TV show.
I've seen him present
four hours of children's television
on 1.5g of ketamine.
The man's a machine.
Why can't he just do
the show on his own, huh?
Anyone else hot?
Eve, have you seen Melody?
I haven't seen her since earlier.
What happened to your face?
Did a pollen bomb go off?
Where is Danny? Have you seen him?
Um, yeah, he's, uh, in his room.
He's feeling a little... stressed.
He's - he's stressed?
Course he is.
Classic Danny fucking Davis.
He's stressed 'cause I've gotta go
out there and present a show live
to 9 million people without him.
Excuse me, excuse me.
He's fine. He always does this.
It's good luck.
Can we get... Can we get
a runner in there, please?
It needs sorting out 'cause
I threw up in the sink.
I don't know why I threw
up in the sink 'cause
there's a toilet right next to it.
OK, Deepak, dude,
you've got to get your
shit together. Yeah.
You got this, OK?
OK.
We'll sort the sink, Deepak, OK?
Just have yourself a little
sit down, get yourself together.
Hey, look, if he does
do the show on his own,
does that mean he gets paid more?
Can I steal a cigarette?
Back on the hard stuff, eh?
Is Deepak gonna be OK?
He's gonna have to be.
So, um, turns out you were right.
Gabriel's as much of a pro tool
as all the others. I know, right?
Handsome, sexy billionaire turns out
to actually be a massive dick.
I don't actually enjoy being
right about these things.
Well, I know that's a lie.
Are you OK? Yeah.
How are you?
Oh, there's Melody.
Did you and Ruth work things out?
Yep. All sorted.
Oh, see?
What did I tell you? Sisters -
you'll always work it out.
Melody.
Hey. Have you
finished Deepak's statement?
I thought you were doing that.
Uhm...
- I'm just a bit stuck.
- What's the matter with you?
You look like you've been
caught masturbating over
- your brother's baby album.
- I'm fine. I'm just working.
- Why are you covering your face?
- I'm not covering my face.
- Why are you holding your laptop like that?
- I'm reading.
What in Tina Turner's tiny tits
has happened to your nose?
Is that a piercing?
It's like Winnie the Pooh
getting a neck tattoo.
Oh, ha-ha.
OK, guys, come on.
What have you got so far?
"Hello, ladies and gentlemen."
Is that it?
Well, I tried a bunch of other stuff
and it all sounded disingenuous.
It is disingenuous.
You're a 25-year-old
Scottish girl writing a heartfelt
speech on behalf of a 37-year-old
half-Pakistani male TV presenter.
We are disingenuous.
You can't spell 'unscrupulous'
without a 'P' and an 'R'.
- Very clever.
- Yes, I know. Caroline said it once.
I've been waiting for
an opportunity to use it since.
- Can I have one of those?
- But if you have one of these,
will smoke come out of the hole in
your nose like a pixie's chimney?
Oh...
Oh, god. Jesus.
Look, she's just gonna leave another
message saying absolutely nothing.
Just, "It's Mum."
She's already left messages
saying, "It's Mum," three of them.
I mean, she has a phone.
She knows how voice-mail works.
She knows that leaving
multiple messages
just means I have to sit
through, "It's Mum."
That's the thing about mothers.
They're like Terminators.
They can't be bargained with,
they can't be reasoned with,
they don't feel pity or fear or remorse,
and they absolutely will not stop,
ever, until you're dead.
I'm sorry about your dad.
Um, sorry about your... stuff.
I'm going to request that neither
of you are sorry about my breakup.
Dodged a bullet, definitely,
and I got three pairs of shoes
out of it so, ultimately, I'm up.
Does anyone want a fun-size Milky Way?
Where's my fucking coffee?
Oh! Why is there
a Dexys Midnight Runner here?
Belle, clean her up
and get me another coffee.
Actually, it's 'they'.
Excuse me?
I mean, it's not 'her', it's 'they'.
Oh. Oh, is it?
I'm dreadfully sorry.
Well, if they don't get off their
skinny little beret-wearing arse
and make us another coffee,
proper pronouns will be the least
of their worries. Coffee!
And I want it blacker and stronger
- than a Senegalese body builder. Got it?
- Yeah.
What's Twitter saying
about Cheryl and Danny?
I'd say, on the whole,
it's still supportive.
30%, "I don't believe it."
20%, "Boys will be boys."
And 40%, "It's entrapment."
And the other 10%?
"She's not even that fit."
Shit.
- Yes?
- How's my favourite step-mum?
Damian, um, I'm right in the middle
of something so I can't really...
The big finale.
I thought you might be.
What a nightmare, eh?
Still, boys will be boys.
As much as I'd love to chat...
Oh, don't worry, this won't take
long. I just wanted to pick up
a few documents, so
I dropped by the office.
I hope you don't mind.
What did you just say?
The doorman was cool about letting
me in. I guess it helps when
- your name's on the sign, right?
- Damian, Damian...
Oh, this is a cute picture of
you and Dad. Can I get a copy?
Get out of my office.
It's a shame you're not around
for coffee. Would have
been nice to catch up.
If you touch anything in my office...
So, anyway, I had a chat with our
lawyers and, apparently, if a major
shareholder wanted to get rid of
a company director without risking
a major litigation for unfair
dismissal, then they'd have
to offer proof of gross misconduct.
Damian, don't do this.
"What would constitute as gross
misconduct?" I hear you ask.
Well, apparently, evidence of
anything unprofessional or illegal.
You know, like bribery,
blackmail, interfering with police
investigations, harassment, defamation.
All that kind of grubby stuff.
Damian, listen.
I'm begging you, don't do this.
It isn't easy, but apparently,
if you can offer proof of such
behaviour, then actually removing
someone from their position
is actually quite straightforward.
Obviously, what usually happens
is both parties get into a room
and talk to each other and try
to come to some sort of mutually
beneficial agreement, which allows
both parties to get what they want,
whilst not having to go through
the embarrassing and costly
rigmarole of a court case.
So, anyway, on a completely
unrelated matter, I was wondering
if I could take you for dinner.
Are you around next week?
How about Wednesday?
You know, I think I might have
a flair for this kind of work.
I wonder if I get that from Dad or you.
Belle.
Call the lawyers.
We're going to war.
Danny?
Oh, fuck...
Danny?
OK. So, obviously, the script
has changed to accommodate
the new situation but the set pieces
are all as previously discussed.
So the plan is just to run things
absolutely as normal. Sound good?
Deepak, darling, I've got
your opening statement here.
Are they gonna change the, uh, autocue?
Sorry?
Are we - are we still
gonna have Danny's lines
on the, um, the autocue?
'Cause I think if
he's not gonna be here,
it's gonna be kind of confusing.
Um, no, I'm sure they're going
to change the autocue.
Deepak, are you OK?
Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm good.
Narinda gave me, like, quite
a few of her beta-blockers,
because I was - I was having
a teeny-weeny panic attack.
But I'm fine now.
Feel good! Do I look OK?
'Cause I feel kind of thembly.
Sorry, darling, you feel what?
Thembly. Thambly. Is that a word?
I don't think that's a word.
What word am I thinking of?
Thembly. Thumbly. Themb...
No, Deepak, darling,
I really need you to get it together
because there are a lot of
people counting on you here.
I can get it - I can get it together.
I'm a professional.
We need to get him some coffee,
and none of this instant crap, OK?
Kill-a-horse coffee.
Thembly. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to - thembly. No.
Will you check this
and get it loaded in? Yeah.
I'm feeling a bit freaked out,
man. Are you in there?
OK, I've got the details
on Danny's baby mama.
Her name is Cheryl Baines,
and I've lifted some photos
- from her Instagram.
- She's a sex worker.
There must be something
sluttier. It's got to be filth.
We need something that says
desperate and dishonest.
That's perfect, the Halloween one.
Contact the unattractive boy
she went to school with.
They'll have something to say about
her, for sure, and make sure that
no-one is offering her anything.
If they are, double it.
We bring her into the fold.
She becomes part of our strategy
and we use her as we see fit.
Understood.
Eve! Danny's gone.
What?
What do you mean, gone?
He's gone, he's escaped,
he's crawled out the fucking window.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
OK, you check with security,
you check the studio,
I'm gonna check the lot.
But the show is supposed
to go live in 30 minutes.
Then we'd better fucking hurry.
Uh, update.
Wait.
- Danny's disappeared.
- Disappeared? How?
- He crawled out of a window.
- Is that a nose piercing?
Don't tell me I look like
Minnie Mouse with a nipple ring,
or Bambi with a shaved head,
or an otter in a gimp suit.
I was just going to say
it looked really nice.
Oh! Oh, thank you.
OK.
Hey! I've been looking for you.
Oh, my goodness, thank you!
That's so exciting.
But I'm only in on one condition.
What's that?
That I get to deal with you personally.
Don't really get my own clients yet.
Well, I guess that I'm your first.
Right, well, I'm off to disappoint
9 million people by
not being Danny Davis.
You'll smash it.
Oh, my god.
There you are.
I thought I was gonna find
you naked somewhere, banging
7g rocks, drinking tiger blood.
Not winning.
Were you thinking about it?
Are you mental?
If I was gonna kill myself,
I wouldn't jump off a building.
Particularly a TV studio.
What an extravagant act
of egotism that would be.
Besides, we're not high enough, are we?
I'd probably just break both my legs.
Imagine how embarrassing that would be.
Did you know that there's this volcano
in Japan called Mount Mihara,
and in the '30s, some chick
killed herself by throwing
herself into the crater?
Darth Vader fell into a volcano.
In the next year, 944 other people
copied her, jumped
into the same crater.
Smart move.
High drama. Low maintenance.
Exactly. Sounds good, too.
"How did he die?"
"Jumped into a volcano."
"Oh, fair."
How would you do it?
Top myself? Dunno.
Pills, probably.
"A lethal cocktail
of alcohol and drugs."
That's what they say
in the press, don't they?
Go out on a four-day coke bender.
Bingeing, banging, snorting,
until my heart gives out.
Red as a plum,
teeth ground down to stumps.
You?
Book myself a cruise, all-inclusive,
somewhere beautiful,
somewhere remote, and then
one night, put on a nice dress,
go up on deck, and all you'd see
in any direction is just
the moonlight rippling
and reflecting off
the dark water, infinite.
Have a couple of martinis,
and then I'd pop a couple
of Xanax and just...
step over the side
and disappear forever.
Christ.
I thought I was morbid.
I might have to read some Sylvia
Plath just to cheer myself up.
You know, in rehab, they're always
talking about rock bottoms.
"This was my rock bottom."
"No, no. No,
this was my rock bottom."
Every time I think I've reached mine,
I just seem to bounce
straight back off it again.
It's like a serial killer
revisiting the scene of a crime.
They wanna get caught.
They want it to stop,
or be stopped.
But everyone just keeps
the train on the tracks
'cause it's worth so much.
Lawyers, managers, you.
- I've really fucked it, haven't I?
- Join the club.
Hold on a sec.
- I can't do this right now.
- I'm here.
What do you mean, you're here?
I'm at the studio. Why?
I thought I could grab Caroline for
a little chat about my exclusive.
If she sees you, she will kill you.
It's lucky I've got you
to look after me, then.
Fuck you, Reese,
you can't blackmail me.
I'm not blackmailing you,
I'm using you to get what I want,
which is exactly what
you've always done with me.
That's not fair.
Life's not fair, babes.
It wasn't fair when you ghosted me
after eight fucking months
together, was it?
Shit happens, eh? Let's not
pretend this is personal, yeah?
STD clinic?
Do us a loving favour. A fully grown
man came out of the window...
I've not seen him. Sorry.
Where is he? Let me in.
I need to talk to Danny Davis.
Danny Davis!
I know he's fucking in there.
Hi, there. Hi.
What's going on? Um, I...
Where's Danny?
She can't come in without a pass.
OK, well, that's fine because
she's with me, so we'll just...
You're Cheryl, right?
Who are you?
Melody, I work for Danny's PR.
What?
Uh, we do press and...
I know what PR is.
I'm not an idiot.
I mean why am I talking to you?
I want to talk to Danny.
Well, you can't right now 'cause
Danny's getting ready for the show.
I don't care if he's having
high tea with the Queen
of fucking Denmark.
Why have I got a journalist calling
my home talking about my son?
No, no, you can't. Stop!
Right, stop. How much?
Excuse me? How much,
just to make it all go away?
Make it go away?
Make what go away?
My son?
I don't want any of his money.
I never did.
I earn my money, thank you.
That's the problem with you people,
all of you. You just assume
that everyone can be bought.
Oh, come on. That's a bit rich,
coming from someone who...
Coming from... what?
No, no, go on. Coming from what?
Hmm? Prostitute?
A whore?
Scarlet woman?
You know what?
You're probably right.
Maybe I should forfeit
any highfalutin ambitions
of being treated like
an actual human being.
No, I'm just asking that
you don't speak to any media.
Why would I wanna talk
to the fucking media?
So I can be called a slag?
I don't wanna talk to anyone.
I don't want my 15 minutes.
I don't want anybody's money!
I... I earned 120 grand
last year, after tax.
All I want is for me and my boy
to be left alone!
So we can be normal.
That is all I've ever wanted.
And he promised.
Oh, god, don't cry.
I'm so sorry.
I really didn't mean all that.
Come on, let's just
take a breather, will we?
Why do you let them behave like this?
Why go after people like me,
like I'm the one ruining his life?
You don't let them take
responsibility for their actions.
And if there's no consequence,
it will never stop.
God. I'm so sorry.
I'll be one minute.
Mum, what?
Melody, I need to talk to you.
Mum, I'm at my work.
It's important.
My job's fucking important.
Your dad's been moved to a hospice.
He's been deteriorating
over the last week.
I can't care for him and
keep him comfortable, so they're
gonna move him. If you want
to make sure you get to see him,
you should get on a train.
It's hard to know exactly
how much time he's got.
Danny!
Oh, fuck.
He's out of control!
How you doing, man?
Eve? Eve! Reese is here.
What?
Here? Why? She wants
a tell-all exclusive with Danny
all about his love for the child
and his shame and his recovery.
Are you having a fucking
bubble bath? She fucks over Caroline,
now she wants another exclusive.
We need to fix it.
We need to make a deal. Come on.
Watch him. A deal?
Well, we know Reese.
We know she is a snake
who would sell her own mother into
a sex trafficking ring if it means
she gets a story out of it.
Caroline will never go for it.
I think Caroline's a little
stressed and
she's not thinking clearly.
Rob, they already had a deal.
Well, I was just thinking
that maybe if you and I could
figure something out, you know...
I know Reese. I know how
to get what I want from her.
Oh, really? Because from what
I've seen, she knows how to get what
she wants from you. You know what?
I'll figure it out myself.
Rob...
Caroline, Reese is here.
Hey.
Your pal, Abigail, here was just
offering an exclusive with Danny,
letting him tell his side
of the story, warts and all.
Reckons we might even be able to
tie it in with a book deal, as well.
What do you think we should do?
Well, I think, as the one who
broke the story, it gives
the piece an interesting angle.
She says that she genuinely
believes in his repentance.
It could lend it a certain credibility.
I had the same thought exactly.
OK, Miss Reese, you can have
your story, on one condition.
And what's that?
You tell me who your source is.
Caroline, you know
that as a journalist,
my number-one commandment
is to protect my sources.
Take it or leave it.
Oh, fine. She knew what
she was getting herself into.
It was Melody.
- Melody?
- The little Scottish one.
That's her name, isn't it?
Don't be too harsh on her.
She's just playing the game.
Plan was, I tip her off next time
something big was gonna go down
for one of your clients, and she'd
swan in and save the day.
Deepak! Ahh!
Tits.
What are you talking about,
you bloody lunatic?
You told them about Cheryl!
You promised. You fucking promised!
- I never told them anything.
- Get off me.
You fucking bloody
beardy Judas bastard!
Boys, can you just pack it in?
Get off me! Get off!
Daniel, get off him right now,
you bloody pillock.
Why, eh? Why?
Is it because I went
on Graham Norton without you?
What? I never wanted
to go on Graham Norton.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
That's for breaking
my Radio Times award.
Um, I think we should go outside.
Holly Willoughby didn't forget
to invite you to her fondue party.
She didn't invite you 'cause
she thinks you're a twat.
You only got this job because of
affirmative action!
You only got this job
because you've got special needs.
ADHD is not special needs!
OK, enough, enough.
I never told them anything,
you bloody idiot.
Oh, just admit it. Why would
I want to do this without you?
It's twice as much work,
and you're the funny one.
When will you bloody realise how
good you've got it and stop messing
everything up for yourself?
This boy bloody loves you.
You were the only one that knew.
I swear on my baby's life,
I never told them anything.
I really haven't got fucking time
for this. Get them both out of here.
He started it. He literally
rugby tackled me while I was on TV.
Ashley, the show is yours.
You what?
You're live in ten. Show's yours.
What, the whole thing?
Don't you want it? No.
I mean, yes, grand,
I do, yeah. It's just...
Good! So get out there, tell a few
gags and for god's sake
make them think this was
some fucking avant-garde sketch.
Ladies and gentlemen, Danny and Deepak.
Give it up for those guys.
Oh, I love those lads.
It's a joke... Danny!
It's just backstage jokes, guys.
Everyone chill the flip out...
What did we miss?
Anyway, um, so, does anyone
want to present the show with me?
You, sir...
Caroline, I'm so sorry. I tried
to stop her, but she just...
Melody, we spoke to Reese.
Abigail Reese? Is she here?
Don't talk. Just listen. She told us
that you gave her the information
about Danny's kid. What?
Listen, I get it. We've all
made deals with journalists.
I would never...
I know this isn't what
you wanted to happen.
I didn't tell a soul, I swear.
This is my fault. It's not like
I've set you a good example.
Caroline, I swear to god I didn't.
I take full responsibility.
She wouldn't even have been
with Danny if it wasn't for me,
and as much as she's been stupid...
I believe her.
She's as smart as anyone
in this room and twice as honest,
and if she says she didn't
tell anyone, then I believe her.
Nobody else knew.
Robyn, stop.
What?
Stop.
I don't know what...
Enough! Just...
You're fired. Caroline, please.
I swear to god I didn't.
Not you.
You. What?
Leave.
Caroline, please. Please.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't cry, don't lie, don't beg.
Just go.
Caroline, your lawyers are here.
Send them in.
We're done here.
Hello. How are you doing? I'm good.
How are you? I'm good, yeah.
I need to get this inside.
Alright, everyone.
We're gonna rehearse
the top of the show in 20 minutes.
Please let Danny and Deepak know.
That's 20 minutes in TV One.
- Balls. (?)
- Thank you very much.
What the fuck?
Oi! Rioja?
Do I look like Antonio Banderas?
Danny!
Get me a couple more and
get me something Argentinian.
Don't look at her, she's not Mum.
Cheryl won't let me see
my boy again, I know it.
One thing, keep her and the boy out
of the press. I promised her.
We can fix this.
Fix it?
Fix it? It's happened, Robyn.
These papers are being printed.
Semi-retired codgers are gonna
be driving them up and down
the country in their Renault Kangoos
so the nation can enjoy
my fucking breakdown with
the Sunday morning crumpets.
It exists. It's solid.
It's matter!
Hey, Danny.
Take it easy.
I need a line.
Danny!
Danny!
You can't do that there.
What if someone sees you?
What? What? What are they
gonna do? Go to the papers?
Eh? Come on. Here you are,
you bottom-feeding bastards.
Get a load of this.
Get! Get down!
Sit.
I've fucked it.
I've fucked it.
Look, Danny,
I know that it may feel like
the house is falling down right
now, but... sometimes we need that
so that we can rebuild
from the foundations.
It was him.
What?
Deepak did this.
Sorry, what do you mean?
He's the only one that knew,
the little cock-nosed wombat.
Yeah, he's making a play.
He's jealous.
He's jealous. He's jealous of
me because everyone likes me,
because I've got the charm.
He thinks he's Billy Big Balls.
What he doesn't realise is
nobody likes Ernie Wise.
Yeah! You take the funny man away and all
you're left with is a boring twat!
Yeah. You can't have Kenan without Kel.
You can't have Cannon without Ball.
You can't have... one Ronnie.
Calm down.
Yeah, nobody wants the Olsen sister.
They want the Olsen twins!
Yeah. Except for Elizabeth Olsen,
but that's a different thing.
He'll never be Elizabeth Olsen!
I'm gonna kill him. Prick!
No! Danny!
Get off.
Get inside.
No!
Calm down.
Why are you so strong?
Heh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Saggy-baggy-bollock-bags!
Help me! Ahh!
Oh, shut up.
What are you doing?
What's that? What's that?
You're gonna calm down
and let me handle this.
Don't fucking move.
Sounded like it went well.
You, stay here. Don't let him leave.
How's Deepak?
He's got this pious sort of
'I told you so' thing going on.
I think part of him is relieved
that the world finally gets to see
the Danny he has to work with.
Which I get, 'cause it's a fucking
nightmare being
partnered with an addict.
Sorry, I didn't mean you.
Don't tell me you don't
have a choice to run it.
I take it Caroline's here.
I thought she was setting up
mission control downstairs.
Fine. Then I won't have a choice
when I nail your ear to the front of
a dirt bike and ride you face-first
through a field of
undetonated shit-mines.
Belle!
What's the temperature?
Catastrophic climate change.
She's raging at Reese
for pulling this shit.
You haven't heard anything
from her, have you?
Reese? No. Why would I?
Have you got that deceitful
muff chugger on the phone yet?
She's not picking up.
I'm going to break into
a sperm bank and forcibly
impregnate her with a firehose,
just so I can murder her children.
We had a deal. I want to know who
her source is, and how in the name
of Dame Maggie Smith's bleached
arsehole we did not know about it.
Danny, status?
Uh, not great.
He's flying over the cuckoo's nest.
I'm not surprised. Within 24
hours, the nation is going
to be reading about the adventures
of Danny Davis and his
wee willy winky whilst taking
their Sabbath morning dumps.
So what's the plan? I've spoken
to the channel controller
and they have pulled him from the show.
Really?
They can't take the risk
of him having a meltdown on air,
and neither can Danny.
He is on his ninth life.
Well, what about Deepak?
Deepak... will be presenting
with Ashley Dhillon.
The warm-up girl?
Yes, it's all sorted with production.
She's green, but she's got charm.
Either way, her profile will rocket
after this, so we need her locked in.
Belle. Belle, Belle, Belle, papers.
Also, I want you to write Deepak
a heartfelt statement for the top of
the show. Ride the male
mental health angle hard.
Eve, he's yours.
I was just heading over
there to check on him now.
Oh, are you waiting
for your Uber? Go!
Jenny from Sky News is on hold.
Mormon Jenny or Jenny with
the gay husband? Gay husband.
I want you to talk to Reese.
She won't listen to me.
Make her.
Hi, Jenny. Thanks for calling back.
How's things with Fabian?
Ouch.
Mm-hm.
You cannot call me today.
You need to tell Caroline to back off.
She keeps leaving
these angry voicemails.
She makes Alec Baldwin
sound like a Buddhist monk.
You haven't told anyone I
stayed over at yours, have you?
Well, I did post this cute
picture of you asleep on my
Insta-story, but I only posted it
to close friends.
I'm serious.
If this comes back to me...
Chill the hell out, Robyn.
I'm a journalist.
We have anonymous sources.
Why are you calling me?
I want an exclusive with Danny.
What? Caroline is
never gonna go for that.
You stabbed her in the back and now
you want us to give you an exclusive?
No, you just stabbed her in the back.
I'm sure you'll figure it out.
Robyn, I've been looking
for you everywhere.
Everything alright?
Yeah. I, um - I need you
to draft a speech for Deepak for
the beginning of the show.
Me? Yeah, just a draft.
I'll prep and proof,
but there's stuff I need to do.
But...
It needs to say that, with
great regret, Danny will not
be appearing on tonight's show
and that over the next few days,
there will be some revelations in
the press, some of it lies, some of
it truth, and that he's seeking
treatment because he doesn't want
his personal issues to get in
the way of your entertainment.
Insert joke here, blah, blah, blah,
something about forgiveness,
love, friendship,
poor Danny, poor Deepak. Big finish,
standing ovation. Got it?
Uh, no, not really.
And I need you to get
Ashley Dhillon to sign this.
Ashley Dhillon, the comedian?
Yeah, she's co-presenting
and Caroline wants her on
the books. Counting on you.
I have to take this.
Ruth! Oh, my god, thank you
- so much for calling me back.
- Rob, it's me.
Mark.
Can you put Ruth on the phone, please?
Afraid she doesn't want
to talk to you, Rob.
I'm just ringing to say
I'll drop your stuff off
at your office on Monday.
Mark, put Ruth on the phone.
She's not gonna speak to you. Sorry.
What, so she's forgiven you, then?
She can let you back in but
she can't forgive her own sister?
Because you made one mistake
and you've spent the last
three months regretting it.
I think because I made a mistake,
but I've spent every moment since
that mistake trying to make up for it.
Whereas she just makes a mistake,
and then another mistake,
and then they just get bigger
and bigger and bigger.
And unfortunately, when you
make a mistake, you
tend to follow it up with
another, and another and another,
and it just keeps going on and on.
And then when you do finally
forgive her, she just reoffends.
Look, I think essentially, what
I'm trying to say is that forgiveness
doesn't seem to help you.
It just lets you go on and on.
Look, I know I fucked up.
I have a problem. You do,
and you have my sympathy,
but you have got to fix it
because it is hurting people.
It's hurting Ruth.
Hey, no, no, don't tell her about the...
But there's a bigger picture,
Rob, here, that we have to consider.
We cannot allow volatility
into our children's lives.
It'll screw them up.
You know that more than anyone.
Ruth, please.
Please, can you hear me? Ruth,
honey, please just speak to me.
Your sister loves you more
than you can imagine.
More than she'll ever love me, but she
can't have you in her life. Not like this.
Please.
It's gonna break her heart, Rob.
This is on you, it's not on her,
and I'm begging you, if you do
love her, you will not contact her
unless you can guarantee that
you won't let her down again.
I'm rooting for you, Rob.
I really am.
Don't...
Come in.
Hiya! I'm Melody.
I hear that you
are co-presenting today.
Jesus, I haven't presented
a full show before.
I'm absolutely dropping my
doughnuts here. I'm shaking like
a cat crapping an avocado stone.
So, what do you do, Melody?
Um, well, I am actually part of
MPPR. We represent Danny and Deepak.
What are you doing here, talking to me?
Shouldn't you be manning the lifeboats?
Um, no, actually, I was just
wondering if you had anyone
looking after your PR. Me?
I had to get the bus here, Melody.
I can only afford
single-ply toilet paper.
I do not have anyone
looking after my PR.
Well, I think maybe in light of
everything, you might want to
think about having someone
to look after your interests.
Is that what you want to do, Melody?
Look after my interests?
I...
OK, um, I saw you performing
at the Edinburgh Festival.
It was in a wine bar, to, like,
six people on the free fringe.
And you made me laugh so hard that
I farted and I had to tell the guy
that I was on a date with that
it was just a squeaky chair.
Well, I'm very sorry about that.
You've got more funny in your bones
than both those clowns out there.
This is a real opportunity for you.
We both know these stupid straight
white guys are just gonna fuck,
fondle, faux-pas their way out of
a job, and when they do, which
they will, we need people like you
in the wings waiting to capitalise.
We can make sure that you're
at the front of the queue.
What do you cost?
First three months we work for free,
and then once we've tripled your
earnings, we'll talk about fees.
Ooh, I like your confidence.
I've gotta say, Melody,
that was one hell of a speech.
Feel like I'm in 'Wolf of Wall Street'.
I want to go out and punch
a dwarf or something.
Excellent. Right, I am...
I'm gonna leave you to prepare.
Hopefully, we'll be working
together again very soon.
Yeah, I certainly hope so.
Here. What happened to your nose?
Oh, uh, it's just a spot.
Do you know what? Actually, no,
it's not. It's not just a spot.
Um, I got my nose pierced
a week ago, and I panicked,
so I've just been wearing
this plaster on it ever since.
Show.
Come on, Melody, you're gonna have
to rip off the band-aid,
both literally and figuratively.
I love it.
- Really?
- I do.
Stop walking around like you've been
punched in the nose
and wear it with pride.
You are cool.
You are hot.
You are a baked Alaska.
OK.
Thanks.
Break a leg.
Eve, relax. This is Danny's
mental health we're talking about.
Look, all I want is for
my friend to get better.
That's all that matters, right?
Where's the teabag?
Took it out.
You took it out?
Why would you take it out?
Get the fuck out of here! No, no,
no, leave the tea. I want the tea.
OK. Have you heard
from the channel head yet?
Does it affect our contracts?
'Cause the contract refers
to us both, and I'd like
to know if one of us breaches,
does it void it for the pair? There you
are. Where the hell is everyone?
OK, so, uh, I'm really going
to need to start talking
through the set pieces.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've just signed up to a
fixed-rate five-year mortgage.
I'm digging into my basement to
build a resistance pool. Oh, nice.
We've just had a 3.5-year legal
battle with the drummer from
Def Leppard to get that pool.
Had to agree to letting him build
a driving range. He's got one arm.
How does he even hold a golf club?
Deepak, darling, I really
need you to focus.
- Danny's not going to be doing the show.
- Excuse me?
Yeah, excuse me?
About bloody time. I've been
saying Deepak should be doing
this on his own for enough time.
Haven't I been saying that? What do
you mean he's not doing the show?
He's a liability. He just relies on
Deepak to do all the hard work
whilst he's off at the Groucho Club
hanging out with strippers and
getting women to blow cocaine up his
arse with a straw. Narinda. Ahem.
What? You told me he got a girl
to blow cocaine up his arse
with a straw. And I told you
that in confidence. Wait, wait.
Can we just rewind a second?
Danny is not doing the show, at all?
No. Ashley Dhillon is gonna do it.
What?
Ashley Dhillon? Is she even funny?
Oh, she is great.
Have you not seen her?
Wait, wait. No, no, wait.
Mine and Danny's energy is a very
much boy-on-boy chemistry.
We have a very laddie, cheeky chappy
boys next door thing going on.
Girls can live next door.
Girls aren't funny.
Ahh.
Sorry, I don't...
Don't Tweet that. I didn't mean...
What I meant was, on the whole,
the general public doesn't find
girls funny. That's what I meant.
Sure. That's much better.
Look, Ashley's great.
We have a script. We just need to
make sure you get through the show
without any major meltdowns.
I'm sorry, dear, who exactly
are you again? 'Cause I'm George.
I'm the director.
I'm running this show,
and this is the first
I'm hearing about it,
so maybe you could tell me
who's making these decisions.
I'm Eve. We look after
Danny and Deepak's PR.
PR.
Right. So we're employed by them
and the network, so that's
essentially, yes, your boss's
boss's boss, to make sure that they
remain the unstoppable money-making
presenting duo that bring in 75% of
this channel's advertising revenue.
Oh, and keep shit-kickers
like you in a job, dear.
I'm not sure about this.
Danny's in no fit state
to present a TV show.
I've seen him present
four hours of children's television
on 1.5g of ketamine.
The man's a machine.
Why can't he just do
the show on his own, huh?
Anyone else hot?
Eve, have you seen Melody?
I haven't seen her since earlier.
What happened to your face?
Did a pollen bomb go off?
Where is Danny? Have you seen him?
Um, yeah, he's, uh, in his room.
He's feeling a little... stressed.
He's - he's stressed?
Course he is.
Classic Danny fucking Davis.
He's stressed 'cause I've gotta go
out there and present a show live
to 9 million people without him.
Excuse me, excuse me.
He's fine. He always does this.
It's good luck.
Can we get... Can we get
a runner in there, please?
It needs sorting out 'cause
I threw up in the sink.
I don't know why I threw
up in the sink 'cause
there's a toilet right next to it.
OK, Deepak, dude,
you've got to get your
shit together. Yeah.
You got this, OK?
OK.
We'll sort the sink, Deepak, OK?
Just have yourself a little
sit down, get yourself together.
Hey, look, if he does
do the show on his own,
does that mean he gets paid more?
Can I steal a cigarette?
Back on the hard stuff, eh?
Is Deepak gonna be OK?
He's gonna have to be.
So, um, turns out you were right.
Gabriel's as much of a pro tool
as all the others. I know, right?
Handsome, sexy billionaire turns out
to actually be a massive dick.
I don't actually enjoy being
right about these things.
Well, I know that's a lie.
Are you OK? Yeah.
How are you?
Oh, there's Melody.
Did you and Ruth work things out?
Yep. All sorted.
Oh, see?
What did I tell you? Sisters -
you'll always work it out.
Melody.
Hey. Have you
finished Deepak's statement?
I thought you were doing that.
Uhm...
- I'm just a bit stuck.
- What's the matter with you?
You look like you've been
caught masturbating over
- your brother's baby album.
- I'm fine. I'm just working.
- Why are you covering your face?
- I'm not covering my face.
- Why are you holding your laptop like that?
- I'm reading.
What in Tina Turner's tiny tits
has happened to your nose?
Is that a piercing?
It's like Winnie the Pooh
getting a neck tattoo.
Oh, ha-ha.
OK, guys, come on.
What have you got so far?
"Hello, ladies and gentlemen."
Is that it?
Well, I tried a bunch of other stuff
and it all sounded disingenuous.
It is disingenuous.
You're a 25-year-old
Scottish girl writing a heartfelt
speech on behalf of a 37-year-old
half-Pakistani male TV presenter.
We are disingenuous.
You can't spell 'unscrupulous'
without a 'P' and an 'R'.
- Very clever.
- Yes, I know. Caroline said it once.
I've been waiting for
an opportunity to use it since.
- Can I have one of those?
- But if you have one of these,
will smoke come out of the hole in
your nose like a pixie's chimney?
Oh...
Oh, god. Jesus.
Look, she's just gonna leave another
message saying absolutely nothing.
Just, "It's Mum."
She's already left messages
saying, "It's Mum," three of them.
I mean, she has a phone.
She knows how voice-mail works.
She knows that leaving
multiple messages
just means I have to sit
through, "It's Mum."
That's the thing about mothers.
They're like Terminators.
They can't be bargained with,
they can't be reasoned with,
they don't feel pity or fear or remorse,
and they absolutely will not stop,
ever, until you're dead.
I'm sorry about your dad.
Um, sorry about your... stuff.
I'm going to request that neither
of you are sorry about my breakup.
Dodged a bullet, definitely,
and I got three pairs of shoes
out of it so, ultimately, I'm up.
Does anyone want a fun-size Milky Way?
Where's my fucking coffee?
Oh! Why is there
a Dexys Midnight Runner here?
Belle, clean her up
and get me another coffee.
Actually, it's 'they'.
Excuse me?
I mean, it's not 'her', it's 'they'.
Oh. Oh, is it?
I'm dreadfully sorry.
Well, if they don't get off their
skinny little beret-wearing arse
and make us another coffee,
proper pronouns will be the least
of their worries. Coffee!
And I want it blacker and stronger
- than a Senegalese body builder. Got it?
- Yeah.
What's Twitter saying
about Cheryl and Danny?
I'd say, on the whole,
it's still supportive.
30%, "I don't believe it."
20%, "Boys will be boys."
And 40%, "It's entrapment."
And the other 10%?
"She's not even that fit."
Shit.
- Yes?
- How's my favourite step-mum?
Damian, um, I'm right in the middle
of something so I can't really...
The big finale.
I thought you might be.
What a nightmare, eh?
Still, boys will be boys.
As much as I'd love to chat...
Oh, don't worry, this won't take
long. I just wanted to pick up
a few documents, so
I dropped by the office.
I hope you don't mind.
What did you just say?
The doorman was cool about letting
me in. I guess it helps when
- your name's on the sign, right?
- Damian, Damian...
Oh, this is a cute picture of
you and Dad. Can I get a copy?
Get out of my office.
It's a shame you're not around
for coffee. Would have
been nice to catch up.
If you touch anything in my office...
So, anyway, I had a chat with our
lawyers and, apparently, if a major
shareholder wanted to get rid of
a company director without risking
a major litigation for unfair
dismissal, then they'd have
to offer proof of gross misconduct.
Damian, don't do this.
"What would constitute as gross
misconduct?" I hear you ask.
Well, apparently, evidence of
anything unprofessional or illegal.
You know, like bribery,
blackmail, interfering with police
investigations, harassment, defamation.
All that kind of grubby stuff.
Damian, listen.
I'm begging you, don't do this.
It isn't easy, but apparently,
if you can offer proof of such
behaviour, then actually removing
someone from their position
is actually quite straightforward.
Obviously, what usually happens
is both parties get into a room
and talk to each other and try
to come to some sort of mutually
beneficial agreement, which allows
both parties to get what they want,
whilst not having to go through
the embarrassing and costly
rigmarole of a court case.
So, anyway, on a completely
unrelated matter, I was wondering
if I could take you for dinner.
Are you around next week?
How about Wednesday?
You know, I think I might have
a flair for this kind of work.
I wonder if I get that from Dad or you.
Belle.
Call the lawyers.
We're going to war.
Danny?
Oh, fuck...
Danny?
OK. So, obviously, the script
has changed to accommodate
the new situation but the set pieces
are all as previously discussed.
So the plan is just to run things
absolutely as normal. Sound good?
Deepak, darling, I've got
your opening statement here.
Are they gonna change the, uh, autocue?
Sorry?
Are we - are we still
gonna have Danny's lines
on the, um, the autocue?
'Cause I think if
he's not gonna be here,
it's gonna be kind of confusing.
Um, no, I'm sure they're going
to change the autocue.
Deepak, are you OK?
Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm good.
Narinda gave me, like, quite
a few of her beta-blockers,
because I was - I was having
a teeny-weeny panic attack.
But I'm fine now.
Feel good! Do I look OK?
'Cause I feel kind of thembly.
Sorry, darling, you feel what?
Thembly. Thambly. Is that a word?
I don't think that's a word.
What word am I thinking of?
Thembly. Thumbly. Themb...
No, Deepak, darling,
I really need you to get it together
because there are a lot of
people counting on you here.
I can get it - I can get it together.
I'm a professional.
We need to get him some coffee,
and none of this instant crap, OK?
Kill-a-horse coffee.
Thembly. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to - thembly. No.
Will you check this
and get it loaded in? Yeah.
I'm feeling a bit freaked out,
man. Are you in there?
OK, I've got the details
on Danny's baby mama.
Her name is Cheryl Baines,
and I've lifted some photos
- from her Instagram.
- She's a sex worker.
There must be something
sluttier. It's got to be filth.
We need something that says
desperate and dishonest.
That's perfect, the Halloween one.
Contact the unattractive boy
she went to school with.
They'll have something to say about
her, for sure, and make sure that
no-one is offering her anything.
If they are, double it.
We bring her into the fold.
She becomes part of our strategy
and we use her as we see fit.
Understood.
Eve! Danny's gone.
What?
What do you mean, gone?
He's gone, he's escaped,
he's crawled out the fucking window.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
OK, you check with security,
you check the studio,
I'm gonna check the lot.
But the show is supposed
to go live in 30 minutes.
Then we'd better fucking hurry.
Uh, update.
Wait.
- Danny's disappeared.
- Disappeared? How?
- He crawled out of a window.
- Is that a nose piercing?
Don't tell me I look like
Minnie Mouse with a nipple ring,
or Bambi with a shaved head,
or an otter in a gimp suit.
I was just going to say
it looked really nice.
Oh! Oh, thank you.
OK.
Hey! I've been looking for you.
Oh, my goodness, thank you!
That's so exciting.
But I'm only in on one condition.
What's that?
That I get to deal with you personally.
Don't really get my own clients yet.
Well, I guess that I'm your first.
Right, well, I'm off to disappoint
9 million people by
not being Danny Davis.
You'll smash it.
Oh, my god.
There you are.
I thought I was gonna find
you naked somewhere, banging
7g rocks, drinking tiger blood.
Not winning.
Were you thinking about it?
Are you mental?
If I was gonna kill myself,
I wouldn't jump off a building.
Particularly a TV studio.
What an extravagant act
of egotism that would be.
Besides, we're not high enough, are we?
I'd probably just break both my legs.
Imagine how embarrassing that would be.
Did you know that there's this volcano
in Japan called Mount Mihara,
and in the '30s, some chick
killed herself by throwing
herself into the crater?
Darth Vader fell into a volcano.
In the next year, 944 other people
copied her, jumped
into the same crater.
Smart move.
High drama. Low maintenance.
Exactly. Sounds good, too.
"How did he die?"
"Jumped into a volcano."
"Oh, fair."
How would you do it?
Top myself? Dunno.
Pills, probably.
"A lethal cocktail
of alcohol and drugs."
That's what they say
in the press, don't they?
Go out on a four-day coke bender.
Bingeing, banging, snorting,
until my heart gives out.
Red as a plum,
teeth ground down to stumps.
You?
Book myself a cruise, all-inclusive,
somewhere beautiful,
somewhere remote, and then
one night, put on a nice dress,
go up on deck, and all you'd see
in any direction is just
the moonlight rippling
and reflecting off
the dark water, infinite.
Have a couple of martinis,
and then I'd pop a couple
of Xanax and just...
step over the side
and disappear forever.
Christ.
I thought I was morbid.
I might have to read some Sylvia
Plath just to cheer myself up.
You know, in rehab, they're always
talking about rock bottoms.
"This was my rock bottom."
"No, no. No,
this was my rock bottom."
Every time I think I've reached mine,
I just seem to bounce
straight back off it again.
It's like a serial killer
revisiting the scene of a crime.
They wanna get caught.
They want it to stop,
or be stopped.
But everyone just keeps
the train on the tracks
'cause it's worth so much.
Lawyers, managers, you.
- I've really fucked it, haven't I?
- Join the club.
Hold on a sec.
- I can't do this right now.
- I'm here.
What do you mean, you're here?
I'm at the studio. Why?
I thought I could grab Caroline for
a little chat about my exclusive.
If she sees you, she will kill you.
It's lucky I've got you
to look after me, then.
Fuck you, Reese,
you can't blackmail me.
I'm not blackmailing you,
I'm using you to get what I want,
which is exactly what
you've always done with me.
That's not fair.
Life's not fair, babes.
It wasn't fair when you ghosted me
after eight fucking months
together, was it?
Shit happens, eh? Let's not
pretend this is personal, yeah?
STD clinic?
Do us a loving favour. A fully grown
man came out of the window...
I've not seen him. Sorry.
Where is he? Let me in.
I need to talk to Danny Davis.
Danny Davis!
I know he's fucking in there.
Hi, there. Hi.
What's going on? Um, I...
Where's Danny?
She can't come in without a pass.
OK, well, that's fine because
she's with me, so we'll just...
You're Cheryl, right?
Who are you?
Melody, I work for Danny's PR.
What?
Uh, we do press and...
I know what PR is.
I'm not an idiot.
I mean why am I talking to you?
I want to talk to Danny.
Well, you can't right now 'cause
Danny's getting ready for the show.
I don't care if he's having
high tea with the Queen
of fucking Denmark.
Why have I got a journalist calling
my home talking about my son?
No, no, you can't. Stop!
Right, stop. How much?
Excuse me? How much,
just to make it all go away?
Make it go away?
Make what go away?
My son?
I don't want any of his money.
I never did.
I earn my money, thank you.
That's the problem with you people,
all of you. You just assume
that everyone can be bought.
Oh, come on. That's a bit rich,
coming from someone who...
Coming from... what?
No, no, go on. Coming from what?
Hmm? Prostitute?
A whore?
Scarlet woman?
You know what?
You're probably right.
Maybe I should forfeit
any highfalutin ambitions
of being treated like
an actual human being.
No, I'm just asking that
you don't speak to any media.
Why would I wanna talk
to the fucking media?
So I can be called a slag?
I don't wanna talk to anyone.
I don't want my 15 minutes.
I don't want anybody's money!
I... I earned 120 grand
last year, after tax.
All I want is for me and my boy
to be left alone!
So we can be normal.
That is all I've ever wanted.
And he promised.
Oh, god, don't cry.
I'm so sorry.
I really didn't mean all that.
Come on, let's just
take a breather, will we?
Why do you let them behave like this?
Why go after people like me,
like I'm the one ruining his life?
You don't let them take
responsibility for their actions.
And if there's no consequence,
it will never stop.
God. I'm so sorry.
I'll be one minute.
Mum, what?
Melody, I need to talk to you.
Mum, I'm at my work.
It's important.
My job's fucking important.
Your dad's been moved to a hospice.
He's been deteriorating
over the last week.
I can't care for him and
keep him comfortable, so they're
gonna move him. If you want
to make sure you get to see him,
you should get on a train.
It's hard to know exactly
how much time he's got.
Danny!
Oh, fuck.
He's out of control!
How you doing, man?
Eve? Eve! Reese is here.
What?
Here? Why? She wants
a tell-all exclusive with Danny
all about his love for the child
and his shame and his recovery.
Are you having a fucking
bubble bath? She fucks over Caroline,
now she wants another exclusive.
We need to fix it.
We need to make a deal. Come on.
Watch him. A deal?
Well, we know Reese.
We know she is a snake
who would sell her own mother into
a sex trafficking ring if it means
she gets a story out of it.
Caroline will never go for it.
I think Caroline's a little
stressed and
she's not thinking clearly.
Rob, they already had a deal.
Well, I was just thinking
that maybe if you and I could
figure something out, you know...
I know Reese. I know how
to get what I want from her.
Oh, really? Because from what
I've seen, she knows how to get what
she wants from you. You know what?
I'll figure it out myself.
Rob...
Caroline, Reese is here.
Hey.
Your pal, Abigail, here was just
offering an exclusive with Danny,
letting him tell his side
of the story, warts and all.
Reckons we might even be able to
tie it in with a book deal, as well.
What do you think we should do?
Well, I think, as the one who
broke the story, it gives
the piece an interesting angle.
She says that she genuinely
believes in his repentance.
It could lend it a certain credibility.
I had the same thought exactly.
OK, Miss Reese, you can have
your story, on one condition.
And what's that?
You tell me who your source is.
Caroline, you know
that as a journalist,
my number-one commandment
is to protect my sources.
Take it or leave it.
Oh, fine. She knew what
she was getting herself into.
It was Melody.
- Melody?
- The little Scottish one.
That's her name, isn't it?
Don't be too harsh on her.
She's just playing the game.
Plan was, I tip her off next time
something big was gonna go down
for one of your clients, and she'd
swan in and save the day.
Deepak! Ahh!
Tits.
What are you talking about,
you bloody lunatic?
You told them about Cheryl!
You promised. You fucking promised!
- I never told them anything.
- Get off me.
You fucking bloody
beardy Judas bastard!
Boys, can you just pack it in?
Get off me! Get off!
Daniel, get off him right now,
you bloody pillock.
Why, eh? Why?
Is it because I went
on Graham Norton without you?
What? I never wanted
to go on Graham Norton.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
That's for breaking
my Radio Times award.
Um, I think we should go outside.
Holly Willoughby didn't forget
to invite you to her fondue party.
She didn't invite you 'cause
she thinks you're a twat.
You only got this job because of
affirmative action!
You only got this job
because you've got special needs.
ADHD is not special needs!
OK, enough, enough.
I never told them anything,
you bloody idiot.
Oh, just admit it. Why would
I want to do this without you?
It's twice as much work,
and you're the funny one.
When will you bloody realise how
good you've got it and stop messing
everything up for yourself?
This boy bloody loves you.
You were the only one that knew.
I swear on my baby's life,
I never told them anything.
I really haven't got fucking time
for this. Get them both out of here.
He started it. He literally
rugby tackled me while I was on TV.
Ashley, the show is yours.
You what?
You're live in ten. Show's yours.
What, the whole thing?
Don't you want it? No.
I mean, yes, grand,
I do, yeah. It's just...
Good! So get out there, tell a few
gags and for god's sake
make them think this was
some fucking avant-garde sketch.
Ladies and gentlemen, Danny and Deepak.
Give it up for those guys.
Oh, I love those lads.
It's a joke... Danny!
It's just backstage jokes, guys.
Everyone chill the flip out...
What did we miss?
Anyway, um, so, does anyone
want to present the show with me?
You, sir...
Caroline, I'm so sorry. I tried
to stop her, but she just...
Melody, we spoke to Reese.
Abigail Reese? Is she here?
Don't talk. Just listen. She told us
that you gave her the information
about Danny's kid. What?
Listen, I get it. We've all
made deals with journalists.
I would never...
I know this isn't what
you wanted to happen.
I didn't tell a soul, I swear.
This is my fault. It's not like
I've set you a good example.
Caroline, I swear to god I didn't.
I take full responsibility.
She wouldn't even have been
with Danny if it wasn't for me,
and as much as she's been stupid...
I believe her.
She's as smart as anyone
in this room and twice as honest,
and if she says she didn't
tell anyone, then I believe her.
Nobody else knew.
Robyn, stop.
What?
Stop.
I don't know what...
Enough! Just...
You're fired. Caroline, please.
I swear to god I didn't.
Not you.
You. What?
Leave.
Caroline, please. Please.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't cry, don't lie, don't beg.
Just go.
Caroline, your lawyers are here.
Send them in.
We're done here.