Flack (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Brand Barron - full transcript
Coming up, we spend the day
with Britain's hottest couple.
He's the record-breaking racing driver,
she's the pop star princess
turned reality TV star.
Together, they're the Barrons.
It's been a tumultuous year
for empress of the red carpet
Roxy... Piss off!
...but she seems to be back
on track after a stint in rehab,
a new tell-all book and a turn
on Celebrities Go Dancing.
She and British basketball star
Kadell James sashayed into
the foxtrot final and won. Earlier
this year a very pregnant Roxy
renewed her vows with hubby Darren
at a stunning ceremony at home.
We here at VIP Access
can't wait to meet baby Barron.
Die! You bastard!
You're doing amazing, babe.
Don't you touch me!
Ooh! Is this normal?
Perfectly. Come on, Roxy, nearly there.
Keep going, babe!
You're doing great!
Babe, I was doing a video.
Shut up!
One more push.
I hate you!
What is it?
It's a boy.
I know it's a boy, I can feel it!
Can we see him?
Mr Cole was satisfied with
his media training, then?
I remember the first
millionaire that I dated.
My... boss at the time took me aside
and gave me two pieces of advice -
if you find a millionaire, get married.
If you find a billionaire,
get pregnant.
Saying that, she ended up in Belize
with the head of a Velcro company
and had a mental breakdown
by the time she was 50,
so I'm not sure she's the best
person to be getting advice off.
Isn't that the plot of The Bell Jar?
You want my advice?
Be wary of men whose
dicks or pockets are too big.
It makes their entitlement untenable.
When the first petal
drops, I want them gone.
Hello, Caroline.
Where are you taking that?
Hi, Belle. It's me! I'm back!
It's Melody?
I used to work here for, like,
two months, and then I left,
and now I'm back again.
Good for you.
Melody?
What are you doing here?
I'm back!
Wow. Yeah. I'm gonna
be Eve's new assistant.
OK.
Great. Good luck with that.
You moving in, or... The suitcase?
Oh, no, I'm moving house today.
Where are you going?
Tottenham.
Right.
Football!
Cool.
I'm Belle.
Yeah, I know? I'm Craig.
I've worked here for two years.
He's in IT.
Ah...
Alright, bitch!
Hi.
Um, sorry. This is Steph.
Steph, this is Melody.
Oh, you're Melody?
Yeah.
You're so different to how
I pictured you. Hey, Belle.
Well, it was lovely to meet you all,
but I should really
get back to my desk, so...
I think she has face blindness.
You moving in?
That's what I said.
I was just saying, I'm just moving
house. Oh, you've got a small house.
This is not my house.
This is just my clothes.
Yeah, I've got like
a whole bunch of other stuff.
God knows how I'm gonna get
that across London on the Tube.
Might just have to dump half of it.
Why don't you give her a lift?
No.
Seriously.
He's got an old Volvo Estate.
It's hilarious. It makes you feel
like a beleaguered single mother,
but it's got shitloads of space.
No, honestly, it's fine.
Really, it is massive.
I'd be happy to help.
Really?
Go on, let him. It gets him
out of my hair for the evening.
Anyway, I'd better get on.
Some intern's
trying to use an ethernet cable
on her AirPrint printer.
Classic.
Right?
Bye.
Right, well, I should probably...
Yeah, no, I should too.
Wow, those are beautiful.
Ah, perfect.
Deal with them, will you?
Are these from the millionaire?
Billionaire, actually, and yes.
Worried I might have given
him the wrong impression.
I think you gave him a pretty
good impression, if you ask me.
That's the problem.
He wants to see me again.
And that's bad because...
Because I'm not interested
in anything like that.
I just want a bit of fun.
Dicks for hire, one-date wonders.
I'm off boys.
All they do is cause problems.
Speak of the devil.
Hi, Robyn. Did those
flowers just say hello?
Melody?
Hi.
What are you doing here?
I hired her.
Right.
She's my new assistant.
Does Caroline...
Caroline knows, yeah.
She's over the moon.
I thought you said Robyn...
Come on, Frodo, my flowers
are dying. Spit-spot. Yep.
When did that happen?
The other day.
Bumped into her in a coffee shop.
Caroline had mentioned she's
going to be looking for a new
junior agent, so we need to be
looking at people to bring on.
And were you gonna tell
me, or did you just
wanna leave it to be a really
weird, awkward surprise?
Did I not?
Must have slipped my mind.
Not a problem, is it?
It's nice to have someone you
can trust in the office, you know.
So who are the flowers from?
Client.
Not Gabriel Cole, right?
Why?
It's just... he definitely
dealt with my friend Melissa
back in New York.
I texted her.
And why would he lie about it?
Don't worry, my love, my eyes are open.
I won't be telling my mother
to buy a new hat any time soon.
Ladies, Roxy Barron has had her baby.
Cute. What is it?
It's black.
Ah. Well, bi-racial,
to be precise,
but whatever it is, it is not Barron.
They're currently holed up at
the hospital with a hungry media
outside waiting for a photograph.
Go over there and fix it, will you?
Both of you.
This is exciting...
the gang back together again.
I can't believe you lied to me.
I didn't lie to you.
You promised you didn't sleep with him!
No, I never promised!
Roxy!
It only happened once!
Once? You promise?
Why do you keep making
me promise all the time?
Christ.
What difference does it make anyway?
Once, twice, 100 times -
once it's been in, it's been in.
100 times?
It was a figment of speech, Darren.
He's, like, 12 years old.
He's 23, actually.
Do you love him?
Don't be so soppy, Darren.
It's just a shag, isn't it?
Daz, don't, please.
You know I always wanted
to try it with a black man.
We talked about it.
I thought that were just sex talk.
It was. Doesn't mean it ain't real.
What, so you'd be OK if you
found out I had a threesome
with a pair of twins, would you?
No, Darren, because they'd be
sisters and you know that's weird.
Guys, hi. Ah, good to see you.
Congratulations.
He's beautiful.
Thank you.
We're very happy.
Look, I know we've all had a bit
of a surprise, but how about we just
sit down and figure out
where we go from here?
Where else is there to go
from here? It's over.
Don't be so dramatic.
My baby's not my baby.
It can still be your baby.
It's black.
Don't be racist.
How is that racist?
OK, time out. I know
everyone's emotions are high,
but we've got about 30 journalists
camped out front looking for a photo,
not to mention we've already sold
the christening pics to OK!
For a lot of money. So...
Pay for your new Defender, Darren.
You said get a family car.
I wouldn't have even bought it
if I knew it were dirty money.
It is what it is, babe.
OK, why don't we...
Is there someone we can point to
in the family history, perhaps?
- Say it skipped a generation.
- I don't think that's...
It's a suggestion, Robyn.
We're not tied to anything.
- We're just throwing around ideas.
- OK, sure.
My grandma's second
husband was from Saint Lucia.
Yeah.
That's not gonna work. Look,
everyone makes mistakes, right?
I mean, come on, Darren,
let's be honest -
we've all slept with someone
we weren't supposed to, right?
Maybe you've made
a mistake in your time.
Golf bitch.
I never had sex with Sandy.
She got me handicap down to nine.
Don't call her a bitch.
Blow jobs are sex, Darren.
Surely the thing that matters
the most is whether you're sorry
or not, right?
But what are we gonna tell everyone?
It's pretty obvious
the baby's not mine.
We'll say that you
had fertility issues.
You what?
You want me to say I'm impotent?
Infertile. Big difference.
Don't do it, Daz.
You stay out of it, Tel.
Don't you shout at him!
Leave off, Sharon.
Well, she's the one who's been
off getting her clocks cleaned.
Oh, come on, Shaz,
as if your boy's an angel.
We all know he was off
shagging that golf bird.
I never had sex with her!
Blow jobs count.
Bollocks.
Oi!
Look, all we say is that you were
having trouble conceiving and that
you decided to use a sperm donor.
It's very common.
Very modern.
Why should he be the one
saying his bits don't work when
it was her going off and getting
mucky with that other fella?
Well, we can hardly say mine
don't work, can we?
I just had a bloody baby.
Marriage is about compromise, Terry.
Roxy's had to make her
fair share of compromises.
Yeah, like the time I wanted to start
that ceramics brand and you said
it was a bad idea, so we didn't.
That's because you know
nothing about ceramics.
I wasn't gonna make them, Darren,
I was gonna design them.
It was a mental idea.
Dinner plates with
pictures of dinners on them
is not a mental idea, Darren.
It's fun and it's quirky and
I maintain it would be successful.
I could see it as
a sort of stocking filler.
Thank you, Dad.
Guys, re the baby.
Look, I'm not being funny, but think
about how progressive you're going
- to look with a bi-racial baby.
- I mean, why do you think that
Brad and Ange adopted all those
beautiful little brown kids?
- Focus on what really matters.
- The brand.
Don't see the infertility
thing as a negative.
You're being a modern man, being
open about the issues you face.
It's like when Pele advertised
erectile dysfunction.
True, he did. Oh, wonderful
footballer, such feet.
You'll be the perfect picture
of the modern, progressive family.
Breaking boundaries.
Blurring lines.
Also, getting in the race game
could really help you crack America.
Can't believe we got them
to go along with that.
Well, you have a talent
in deceit, my dear.
What do those things
actually taste like?
The dying fart of a Gummy Bear.
So, are we gonna talk about
the elephant in the room?
The elephant that fucked
my boyfriend, you mean?
Can Tom be the elephant in this idiom?
I am so sorry.
Apologies are strange things,
aren't they?
Just expressions of shame.
"I did a thing, didn't go well,
can we pretend it didn't
happen, please?"
Why did you do it?
Would it help if I could
give you an answer?
You know, I can't figure
out what's worse -
fucking up my shit through selfish,
vindictive greediness,
or just fucking it up
through sheer apathy.
I hate myself.
I know you do.
Sometimes I do too.
I'm getting reporters asking questions.
Oh, I will be just a minute.
Ruth? What do people wear
in offices? What?
The women in your office -
what do they wear?
Do they wear, like, pant suits?
It's not the '80s.
Women wear whatever they want. Why?
No reason.
Is everything OK?
Yeah, it's fine. Are you in tonight?
I'm gonna be back a bit later.
Work stuff.
Look, I'm in the middle of
something. I've gotta go. OK, bye.
OK, here's what we have so far.
"I'm delighted to announce
the arrival of our son, Taron."
Taron Rooney. I don't want him
named after a footballer.
Well, I'm sorry, Roxy, but
you should have thought about
that before you had an affair
with a basketball player.
I'm never gonna hear the end
of this, am I?
Come on, Rox, listen to your mother.
Compromise.
Isn't Rooney the one that slept
with a granny?
He's England's leading goalscorer
and the Premier League's
second leading goalscorer,
behind Alan Shearer.
So unless you wanna call our kid Alan?
Taron Rooney Barron.
"I would also like to take this
opportunity to share with the world
that our son was conceived
using donor insemination
and that we hope our story
may inspire others who have
experienced similar difficulties."
Aw, that's nice.
Roxy's doing well.
Can you say 'Mummy'?
"Mummy is doing well."
It's cute when people say that.
"Mummy is doing well,
and I can't wait to get
to know the little fella."
Can I say "Daddy can't wait"?
Might be confusing, babe.
Alright, Darren, I'm gonna
have this printed off for you.
Rox, Eve is gonna get
you in hair and makeup.
I'll get the beers in.
I'll come with you.
'Ere, couldn't hold him
for a sec, could you?
Oh...
You need to take this.
There's a newborn baby.
Cool.
I'm delighted to announce the arrival
of our son Taron Rooney Barron.
I would also like to take
this opportunity to share
with the world that our son was
conceived using donor insemination,
and we hope that our story
may inspire others who have
experienced similar difficulties.
Mummy's doing well, and I can't wait to
get to know the little fella.
Thank you all for respecting
our privacy at this time.
We look forward to sharing
our new baby with the world,
and we're so in love with him.
Kadell. Isn't that...
..my wife Roxy has been so strong
during what has been a difficult
pregnancy, and a long and...
Look at this.
...arduous journey to get here.
It hasn't been easy, but with the
safe arrival of our son we can...
Have you worked as a PA before?
I was married for five years.
Um, no, I haven't officially,
but I'm incredibly organised, some
people might say pathologically so.
I worked at a restaurant in New York
for a while and the girls kept
taking each other's shifts,
so I organised a system
in the restaurant where it just...
Ruth?
Yes.
OK, you seem like a nice lady,
but I'm going to be totally honest.
You don't have a lot of experience.
OK.
I'm looking for someone who I can
trust to keep on top of things.
My diary management
alone is pretty hectic.
We're not a small company.
OK.
Can I be honest, too, Mr Thornton?
Please - Ross.
Ross.
OK, Ross, I have extensive
experience managing a five-year-old
who is like catnip for headlice,
an eight-month-old
who I think is nocturnal,
a 43-year-old who still does
not know where the bin bags are.
I have a sister who is
a self-destructive, narcissistic,
sex and drugs addict,
and I have two guinea pigs
who I swear nobody but me
has seen in the last two years.
And yet they live.
I cook, I clean, I suck snot out
of their nostrils - the children's -
I organise everything.
I pay the bills, I do the grocery
shopping, I do the homework,
I do the tax returns, I yell at
Alexa because she is a misogynist.
I organise their dentist and their
doctor and their optician appointments.
I keep an unnecessarily
complicated calendar of
activities and plans and play dates.
I send over 300 birthday cards
and Christmas cards and thank you
cards every year, and I make sure
that they are personally signed,
because the art of
penmanship has been lost.
I am trying to tell you that
I organise the crap out of life,
and so I think, with all due, Ross,
I can make sure that you've got your
staples and you get to your
squash appointment on time.
You don't half like calling
me to some weird places.
Well, I have a weird life.
Thanks. You're my hero.
Going through 'em pretty
quick, mind.
Like you said - tolerance.
Sometimes slowing down
works good as speeding up.
Look, I'm not trying to do myself
out of a job or anything, but...
Mike, I'm good.
You're the boss.
Oh, fuck, I meant to go to the ATM
this morning and then
this all kicked off.
You know I don't do
credit, Rob. I know.
I know, I'm sorry. Look, I'll pay
you back next time, with interest.
Pretty, pretty please?
It won't happen again.
Once.
Don't go making a habit of it,
pardon the pun.
Course.
Oh, before I forget,
I cut this out of
the newspaper for you.
It's an article about hyper-
dimensional computing theory,
how it might lead to AI
with reflexes and memories.
You know, 'cause we was talking
about whether robots are gonna
end up killing us all or not.
I just wish they'd hurry up
and get on with it.
Where is she? Oh, come on, come on,
come on, don't play with me.
Oh, fuck! I have to go.
What level is she on?
Kadell. What are you doing here?
That's my baby.
Shh! Kadell!
That's my kid, Robyn,
you know it is.
They are married.
Oh, don't give me that BS.
You're the one that kept
fucking sneaking me in for her.
I know you don't give a shit
about that, and neither does Roxy.
You're right. The sanctity of
marriage means about as much to me
as a titanium tampon, but you know
what does mean something to me?
My work. And you marching in
there shouting your mouth off
is bad for my fucking business, OK?
I'm a daddy.
I'm a daddy.
OK. Really?
Guys, this is Kadell.
What the hell is he doing here?
That's my baby, blud.
He's a Barron.
Bullshit.
Don't fucking swear
in front of my wife.
Dad.
Alright, calm down. Kadell has
every right to be here, because
genetically the child is his.
The child is his, right, Rox?
Yes. What sort of slag
do you think I am? Rude.
Fact is, we are where we are, and we
need to deal with it, like adults.
You said you loved me.
You what?
Rox? No.
I said I loved having sex with you,
Kadell. That's different.
Bloody Nora.
Babe, I thought
we had something special.
No, babe, I...
OK, time out.
Ladies... huddle. Outside.
Right now, please. Outside.
OK, so what's the play?
Anyone with an ounce of wit will
know that that is Kadell's baby,
so we need to run with it.
What's the outcome that
we're looking for here?
Well, professionally,
Darren and Roxy play
much better as a couple.
The living definition of more
than the sum of their parts.
We don't officially rep Kadell yet,
but after this his profile's
gonna go through the roof.
So we lock him down?
Keep it in the family.
Rinse his 15 minutes.
Whilst protecting brand Barron.
OK. So how do we get
them all to play ball?
How do we ever get anyone to play ball?
Give them what they want.
Right.
So what do they want?
Bradley, baby, it's always such
a pleasure to see your lovely face.
Have you lost weight?
Keto. I just eat meat and cheese
all day and it's sliding
off me like a chemo patient.
Hey man, good job.
Yes!
I hear that Nike are
looking for new blood.
I have the perfect boy for you.
Kadell James.
Never heard of him.
Rising star of British basketball.
Top point scorer at the Olympics.
A real rags to riches story.
Caroline, I'm gonna stop you there.
No-one gives an orphan's fart
for British basketball.
Hey, gimme some.
There must be something you can swing.
I really could do with a favour here.
Angel, you know I would if I could,
you know I would, but I can't.
Besides, they've already earmarked
Donovan Mitchell for that sector.
The ink is practically dry.
I understand, of course.
Thank you for trying.
Oh, one last thing.
Shoot.
Remember that video of you in Vegas,
in the centre of a circle jerk
of transgender prostitutes?
Ha-ha-ha, that's funny.
That's funny. She's good -
you're good at making jokes.
I was just thinking about
it the other day, how I stopped it
from getting to your wife
and your boss and being published
on the homepage of the Mail online.
I cannot deny
nor confirm that statement.
I'll make some calls.
You are a dear.
OK. Look, Kadell,
I know that you're feeling
emotional, but you're 23 years old.
You've got a great career ahead of you.
You don't wanna be a full-time dad
right now. And let's get real here.
Everyone's gonna know that kid
belongs to you, so I'm asking you
to tell the press that, after
getting to know Darren and Roxy
during your time working
together on Celebs Go Dancing,
you formed a very special
bond, and as a result
they asked you to be a sperm donor
to help them conceive their child.
Think of it like a backdoor assist.
Why would I do that?
How does being one of the faces
of Nike's new inheritance campaign
sound? Full sponsorship.
Huge visibility.
And more trainers than you
could wear in a lifetime.
And of course you'd get to see
Taron any time you're around.
Buy him awesome presents
for his birthday.
And maybe every now and then
you and Roxy can play a little
game of Mr Wobbly hides his helmet.
Hang on, what do I get out of this?
You get to go back to golf lessons.
Twice a week? Sandy says
you won't see the difference unless
it's at least twice a week.
This is all a bit... European.
We went on a cruise with a couple
of swingers once.
Who?
Paddy and Margaret.
Paddy and Margaret were swingers?
Yeah.
Look, I don't wanna piss on
anyone's parade, but you two
have been married for five years
and I've already covered up at
least three affairs for both of you,
but I really do believe that you
actually love each other.
So if you're gonna screw other people,
why not just be honest about it
and get on with your lives?
Polyamory is actually
super on-trend right now.
You get to have your cake and fuck it.
Well done today. You did great.
Um, Robyn?
Um... look, I just wanted
to say that I am...
really happy to be back again,
and I appreciate what you
were trying to do for me.
So, no hard feelings.
Ready?
Yeah. Yeah, just coming.
I'll take your...
No, no, that's fine. I'll get it.
Sure?
Yeah, it's fine.
Thank you so much
for doing this for me.
This is great.
I'll help you bring it up.
No. No, no, don't be silly.
I'll be fine.
Come on.
So, Steph seems nice.
Oh, yeah. She's great.
She's gorgeous. Well done.
How long's that been going for?
Not that long. Couple of weeks.
But we've known each
other for ages, so...
Well, that's nice.
Are you... seeing anyone?
Oh, I mean, there's a couple
of people, but I'm just keeping it
cazh, you know.
Just playing the field a bit, you know.
Blimey. You'll be fit by the time
you've lived here for a bit.
Not that you're not fit now.
No, I don't mean - I mean,
fit like strong fit,
not fit ...fit.
Oh, oh, god. Oh.
What?
Oh, holy mothering Sunday.
What's wrong?
Ooh, my back.
Old Judo injury.
Ah. Just need to stay
like this for a bit.
Do you want me to rub it?
Don't rub it.
Oh, it hurts when I laugh!
Ah! Were you seriously gonna try
and do this on the Tube?
I don't know.
My parents were gonna come down.
From Scotland?
Yeah, they were gonna drive.
My dad didn't really feel up to it.
He doesn't really like
travelling much nowadays.
Lung cancer is the cunt, isn't it?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
No, it's fine. He's OK now.
They got it all out, apparently.
It's just... hard, isn't it?
Oh, son of a bank robber.
OK, I'm good.
Yeah? I'm good.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I did not know that you did Judo.
Yeah. Blue belt.
It's pointless, though.
No kicking or punching.
It was just like
2.5 years of wearing pyjamas
and learning how to trip people up.
I spent four years trying
to learn the treble recorder.
I could have learnt Mandarin
in that time.
I don't think that I'm
ever gonna fully forgive
my parents for that one.
Yeah.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me...
That's a nice touch.
Of course.
Of course.
How're you feeling?
It's fine. Just a little stiff,
that's all. Be totally fine.
Thank you so much for helping me.
I literally do not know what
I would have done without you.
Don't be silly. It's totally fine.
What's the point in having
a Volvo Estate if... actually,
I'll just leave that sentence there.
Do you want to stay for a drink?
I think I've got a bottle of
limoncello that my aunt brought
back from Italy that we could open.
I'd better not.
Driving.
No.
Well, I guess I'll see
you at work, probably.
Probably.
See you.
How did you know I was here?
Melody.
God, that girl's good.
I know, right?
Don't ever tell her that.
No.
Wanna go get trashed?
I already called an Uber.
Victor is on his way.
Thanks, though.
Oi! Abortion is murder.
Really?
Come on, let's just go. Come on.
No, no. Do you know what?
No. No, not OK.
This has literally nothing
to do with you.
All life is sacred.
Oh, grow up.
If you really thought all life
was sacred, you wouldn't be wearing
leather shoes, if you can call those
orthopaedic monstrosities shoes.
There are refugees drowning in boats,
families being carpet-bombed,
tiny babies without enough
water or basic vaccines.
If you really care so much about
life then do something about that
instead of sitting around here
on your arse playing Candy Crush
and shouting at women you've never met before.
It's the easy way out.
You've clearly never had an abortion.
Trust me, I've had two.
And no, that doesn't make me a slut.
It makes me a woman in the 21st
century, who as a teenager was
stealthed by a guy four years
my senior, and who was stupid
enough to have sex with another man
who refused to wear a condom because
it made his willy feel funny.
So deal with it.
Get a life, and mind
your own fucking business.
Abortion is murder.
Merciful tit whistles.
What?
Nothing. My little
brother's just got engaged.
Gives my mother a whole new
excuse to tell me
what a dried-up old spinster
I'm going to be, with moths
coming out of my foof and only cats
to love me, then eat me when I die.
"She said yes." Doesn't it make
you want to become a bomb maker?
'Like'.
Thank you.
Are you sure you're...
I'm good. Thanks.
Hey there.
I'm new to these parts
and I was hoping you might be able
to give me some directions.
What are you doing here?
I was just in the neighbourhood.
I thought you might want
to grab a bite to eat.
How did you find me?
I'm a tech entrepreneur who made
his first billion designing
GPS systems for smart drones.
Ain't my first rodeo.
That is the creepiest
thing I have ever heard.
Absolutely not.
I already made us a reservation.
Well, that was awfully
presumptuous of you, wasn't it?
I guarantee you that's the best
offer you're gonna get all day.
Look, Poundland Tony Stark, if you
think I'm getting on that with you,
you've got another thing coming.
What's Poundland? Is it good?
Eugh.
Come on, it's hella fancy.
How fancy?
Schmancy fancy.
It's the sort of place that
marinates endangered sea urchin
in a bath of dill foam
for 1,000 days fancy.
I had to give the maitre d'
a hand job just to get us a table.
You gave the maitre d'
a hand job? Pour moi?
It's also the best sushi
outside of Sukiyabashi Jiro.
That's a sushi restaurant in Tokyo.
Ah, just ruined it.
Ah! Wait, please.
I don't get to meet a lot of
people I actually like.
You're smart, you're attractive,
you're an asset to my work.
That's the most romantic thing
anyone's ever said to me.
I'm sorry.
Only because you gave a man a hand job.
I cannot believe you ride a motorbike.
Could you be any more of a cliche?
Why don't you just pay a sky writer
to draw a picture of your dick?
That's not a bad idea.
I know a few good pilots.
...the racing driver has been
applauded for speaking so openly
about his fertility woes
and paying tribute to sperm donor
and family friend Kadell James.
Here. You don't have
to take care of me.
It's just cramps.
Robyn, you look like the ghost of
a Victorian prostitute.
Take the water bottle.
Thank you.
What's that?
It's for Kelly's school.
Are they learning drug trafficking?
That's very funny. No.
She has to dress like a pop star,
but I'm not gonna send my
five-year-old to school looking like
Miley Cyrus, so I decided
to get creative.
Paprika, garam masala, turmeric.
She's a Spice Girl. Get it?
Are you actually trying
to get her bullied? What?
She's gonna look like Oscar
the Grouch's homeless child bride.
I thought it was cute.
Oh, how'd the interview go? Did
you end up wearing your prom dress?
I got it. You are looking
at the personal assistant to Ross
at Smolten Luxury Wood Burners,
so you are not the only
working girl in this family.
I knew you were gonna get it.
But you might not want
to use the term 'working girl'.
Well, you will not be laughing
when you're getting a 7.5% discount
on a luxury wood-burner.
No, I will not.
So, what's Ross like?
Is he cute?
Robyn, that is exactly
the kind of unprofessional
question we are trying to
eradicate in a post-MeToo world.
You're right, you're right.
So is he cute?
I don't know.
Kind of. He's not, like,
"Oops I dropped my pen
and while I'm down there" cute.
He's sort of... I don't know, "I want
him to come outside and watch me"
"ride a bicycle" cute.
Do you ever imagine what
your life would have been like
if you hadn't had Kelly?
Constantly. Doing it right now.
It's my mental screensaver.
Do you think that anyone can be
a mother, or that some people,
like Mom, are just not built for it?
No, Mom could have been, if
she tried, but she chose not to.
She literally threw herself off
of a bridge in order to avoid it.
Do you have regrets, about choosing it?
Honestly, no.
Even when Kelly is lying on
the pavement and she's screaming
until she can't breathe, and Teddy
is sick, and he hasn't slept,
and my hands smell like puke
and my hair smells like puke,
I don't even have the energy
to bathe him properly,
so I just stick him under the faucet
like I'm washing a potato.
I know what it feels like not
to have a family, and it sucks.
Think I needed them to tie myself to,
or I would have just floated away.
God, I never realised
how selfish that is.
Are you OK?
Mm-hm.
Do you know what?
I like that I get to be
a good mother and do the right thing,
so that they can just
go wild and not give a damn because
they know that I have their back.
I wish you were my mom.
Oh, don't be silly.
I am your mom.
So, what about Mark?
I don't know.
I don't know what I feel.
I... I'm not angry.
I'm not even shocked, honestly.
I just feel kind of
normal and numb, just like
I'm used to people leaving.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm not talking about you.
You drink all of my good coffee
and you ruined my marriage,
but you never left.
I'll just replace it with bacon
and she can go as Lady Gaga.
with Britain's hottest couple.
He's the record-breaking racing driver,
she's the pop star princess
turned reality TV star.
Together, they're the Barrons.
It's been a tumultuous year
for empress of the red carpet
Roxy... Piss off!
...but she seems to be back
on track after a stint in rehab,
a new tell-all book and a turn
on Celebrities Go Dancing.
She and British basketball star
Kadell James sashayed into
the foxtrot final and won. Earlier
this year a very pregnant Roxy
renewed her vows with hubby Darren
at a stunning ceremony at home.
We here at VIP Access
can't wait to meet baby Barron.
Die! You bastard!
You're doing amazing, babe.
Don't you touch me!
Ooh! Is this normal?
Perfectly. Come on, Roxy, nearly there.
Keep going, babe!
You're doing great!
Babe, I was doing a video.
Shut up!
One more push.
I hate you!
What is it?
It's a boy.
I know it's a boy, I can feel it!
Can we see him?
Mr Cole was satisfied with
his media training, then?
I remember the first
millionaire that I dated.
My... boss at the time took me aside
and gave me two pieces of advice -
if you find a millionaire, get married.
If you find a billionaire,
get pregnant.
Saying that, she ended up in Belize
with the head of a Velcro company
and had a mental breakdown
by the time she was 50,
so I'm not sure she's the best
person to be getting advice off.
Isn't that the plot of The Bell Jar?
You want my advice?
Be wary of men whose
dicks or pockets are too big.
It makes their entitlement untenable.
When the first petal
drops, I want them gone.
Hello, Caroline.
Where are you taking that?
Hi, Belle. It's me! I'm back!
It's Melody?
I used to work here for, like,
two months, and then I left,
and now I'm back again.
Good for you.
Melody?
What are you doing here?
I'm back!
Wow. Yeah. I'm gonna
be Eve's new assistant.
OK.
Great. Good luck with that.
You moving in, or... The suitcase?
Oh, no, I'm moving house today.
Where are you going?
Tottenham.
Right.
Football!
Cool.
I'm Belle.
Yeah, I know? I'm Craig.
I've worked here for two years.
He's in IT.
Ah...
Alright, bitch!
Hi.
Um, sorry. This is Steph.
Steph, this is Melody.
Oh, you're Melody?
Yeah.
You're so different to how
I pictured you. Hey, Belle.
Well, it was lovely to meet you all,
but I should really
get back to my desk, so...
I think she has face blindness.
You moving in?
That's what I said.
I was just saying, I'm just moving
house. Oh, you've got a small house.
This is not my house.
This is just my clothes.
Yeah, I've got like
a whole bunch of other stuff.
God knows how I'm gonna get
that across London on the Tube.
Might just have to dump half of it.
Why don't you give her a lift?
No.
Seriously.
He's got an old Volvo Estate.
It's hilarious. It makes you feel
like a beleaguered single mother,
but it's got shitloads of space.
No, honestly, it's fine.
Really, it is massive.
I'd be happy to help.
Really?
Go on, let him. It gets him
out of my hair for the evening.
Anyway, I'd better get on.
Some intern's
trying to use an ethernet cable
on her AirPrint printer.
Classic.
Right?
Bye.
Right, well, I should probably...
Yeah, no, I should too.
Wow, those are beautiful.
Ah, perfect.
Deal with them, will you?
Are these from the millionaire?
Billionaire, actually, and yes.
Worried I might have given
him the wrong impression.
I think you gave him a pretty
good impression, if you ask me.
That's the problem.
He wants to see me again.
And that's bad because...
Because I'm not interested
in anything like that.
I just want a bit of fun.
Dicks for hire, one-date wonders.
I'm off boys.
All they do is cause problems.
Speak of the devil.
Hi, Robyn. Did those
flowers just say hello?
Melody?
Hi.
What are you doing here?
I hired her.
Right.
She's my new assistant.
Does Caroline...
Caroline knows, yeah.
She's over the moon.
I thought you said Robyn...
Come on, Frodo, my flowers
are dying. Spit-spot. Yep.
When did that happen?
The other day.
Bumped into her in a coffee shop.
Caroline had mentioned she's
going to be looking for a new
junior agent, so we need to be
looking at people to bring on.
And were you gonna tell
me, or did you just
wanna leave it to be a really
weird, awkward surprise?
Did I not?
Must have slipped my mind.
Not a problem, is it?
It's nice to have someone you
can trust in the office, you know.
So who are the flowers from?
Client.
Not Gabriel Cole, right?
Why?
It's just... he definitely
dealt with my friend Melissa
back in New York.
I texted her.
And why would he lie about it?
Don't worry, my love, my eyes are open.
I won't be telling my mother
to buy a new hat any time soon.
Ladies, Roxy Barron has had her baby.
Cute. What is it?
It's black.
Ah. Well, bi-racial,
to be precise,
but whatever it is, it is not Barron.
They're currently holed up at
the hospital with a hungry media
outside waiting for a photograph.
Go over there and fix it, will you?
Both of you.
This is exciting...
the gang back together again.
I can't believe you lied to me.
I didn't lie to you.
You promised you didn't sleep with him!
No, I never promised!
Roxy!
It only happened once!
Once? You promise?
Why do you keep making
me promise all the time?
Christ.
What difference does it make anyway?
Once, twice, 100 times -
once it's been in, it's been in.
100 times?
It was a figment of speech, Darren.
He's, like, 12 years old.
He's 23, actually.
Do you love him?
Don't be so soppy, Darren.
It's just a shag, isn't it?
Daz, don't, please.
You know I always wanted
to try it with a black man.
We talked about it.
I thought that were just sex talk.
It was. Doesn't mean it ain't real.
What, so you'd be OK if you
found out I had a threesome
with a pair of twins, would you?
No, Darren, because they'd be
sisters and you know that's weird.
Guys, hi. Ah, good to see you.
Congratulations.
He's beautiful.
Thank you.
We're very happy.
Look, I know we've all had a bit
of a surprise, but how about we just
sit down and figure out
where we go from here?
Where else is there to go
from here? It's over.
Don't be so dramatic.
My baby's not my baby.
It can still be your baby.
It's black.
Don't be racist.
How is that racist?
OK, time out. I know
everyone's emotions are high,
but we've got about 30 journalists
camped out front looking for a photo,
not to mention we've already sold
the christening pics to OK!
For a lot of money. So...
Pay for your new Defender, Darren.
You said get a family car.
I wouldn't have even bought it
if I knew it were dirty money.
It is what it is, babe.
OK, why don't we...
Is there someone we can point to
in the family history, perhaps?
- Say it skipped a generation.
- I don't think that's...
It's a suggestion, Robyn.
We're not tied to anything.
- We're just throwing around ideas.
- OK, sure.
My grandma's second
husband was from Saint Lucia.
Yeah.
That's not gonna work. Look,
everyone makes mistakes, right?
I mean, come on, Darren,
let's be honest -
we've all slept with someone
we weren't supposed to, right?
Maybe you've made
a mistake in your time.
Golf bitch.
I never had sex with Sandy.
She got me handicap down to nine.
Don't call her a bitch.
Blow jobs are sex, Darren.
Surely the thing that matters
the most is whether you're sorry
or not, right?
But what are we gonna tell everyone?
It's pretty obvious
the baby's not mine.
We'll say that you
had fertility issues.
You what?
You want me to say I'm impotent?
Infertile. Big difference.
Don't do it, Daz.
You stay out of it, Tel.
Don't you shout at him!
Leave off, Sharon.
Well, she's the one who's been
off getting her clocks cleaned.
Oh, come on, Shaz,
as if your boy's an angel.
We all know he was off
shagging that golf bird.
I never had sex with her!
Blow jobs count.
Bollocks.
Oi!
Look, all we say is that you were
having trouble conceiving and that
you decided to use a sperm donor.
It's very common.
Very modern.
Why should he be the one
saying his bits don't work when
it was her going off and getting
mucky with that other fella?
Well, we can hardly say mine
don't work, can we?
I just had a bloody baby.
Marriage is about compromise, Terry.
Roxy's had to make her
fair share of compromises.
Yeah, like the time I wanted to start
that ceramics brand and you said
it was a bad idea, so we didn't.
That's because you know
nothing about ceramics.
I wasn't gonna make them, Darren,
I was gonna design them.
It was a mental idea.
Dinner plates with
pictures of dinners on them
is not a mental idea, Darren.
It's fun and it's quirky and
I maintain it would be successful.
I could see it as
a sort of stocking filler.
Thank you, Dad.
Guys, re the baby.
Look, I'm not being funny, but think
about how progressive you're going
- to look with a bi-racial baby.
- I mean, why do you think that
Brad and Ange adopted all those
beautiful little brown kids?
- Focus on what really matters.
- The brand.
Don't see the infertility
thing as a negative.
You're being a modern man, being
open about the issues you face.
It's like when Pele advertised
erectile dysfunction.
True, he did. Oh, wonderful
footballer, such feet.
You'll be the perfect picture
of the modern, progressive family.
Breaking boundaries.
Blurring lines.
Also, getting in the race game
could really help you crack America.
Can't believe we got them
to go along with that.
Well, you have a talent
in deceit, my dear.
What do those things
actually taste like?
The dying fart of a Gummy Bear.
So, are we gonna talk about
the elephant in the room?
The elephant that fucked
my boyfriend, you mean?
Can Tom be the elephant in this idiom?
I am so sorry.
Apologies are strange things,
aren't they?
Just expressions of shame.
"I did a thing, didn't go well,
can we pretend it didn't
happen, please?"
Why did you do it?
Would it help if I could
give you an answer?
You know, I can't figure
out what's worse -
fucking up my shit through selfish,
vindictive greediness,
or just fucking it up
through sheer apathy.
I hate myself.
I know you do.
Sometimes I do too.
I'm getting reporters asking questions.
Oh, I will be just a minute.
Ruth? What do people wear
in offices? What?
The women in your office -
what do they wear?
Do they wear, like, pant suits?
It's not the '80s.
Women wear whatever they want. Why?
No reason.
Is everything OK?
Yeah, it's fine. Are you in tonight?
I'm gonna be back a bit later.
Work stuff.
Look, I'm in the middle of
something. I've gotta go. OK, bye.
OK, here's what we have so far.
"I'm delighted to announce
the arrival of our son, Taron."
Taron Rooney. I don't want him
named after a footballer.
Well, I'm sorry, Roxy, but
you should have thought about
that before you had an affair
with a basketball player.
I'm never gonna hear the end
of this, am I?
Come on, Rox, listen to your mother.
Compromise.
Isn't Rooney the one that slept
with a granny?
He's England's leading goalscorer
and the Premier League's
second leading goalscorer,
behind Alan Shearer.
So unless you wanna call our kid Alan?
Taron Rooney Barron.
"I would also like to take this
opportunity to share with the world
that our son was conceived
using donor insemination
and that we hope our story
may inspire others who have
experienced similar difficulties."
Aw, that's nice.
Roxy's doing well.
Can you say 'Mummy'?
"Mummy is doing well."
It's cute when people say that.
"Mummy is doing well,
and I can't wait to get
to know the little fella."
Can I say "Daddy can't wait"?
Might be confusing, babe.
Alright, Darren, I'm gonna
have this printed off for you.
Rox, Eve is gonna get
you in hair and makeup.
I'll get the beers in.
I'll come with you.
'Ere, couldn't hold him
for a sec, could you?
Oh...
You need to take this.
There's a newborn baby.
Cool.
I'm delighted to announce the arrival
of our son Taron Rooney Barron.
I would also like to take
this opportunity to share
with the world that our son was
conceived using donor insemination,
and we hope that our story
may inspire others who have
experienced similar difficulties.
Mummy's doing well, and I can't wait to
get to know the little fella.
Thank you all for respecting
our privacy at this time.
We look forward to sharing
our new baby with the world,
and we're so in love with him.
Kadell. Isn't that...
..my wife Roxy has been so strong
during what has been a difficult
pregnancy, and a long and...
Look at this.
...arduous journey to get here.
It hasn't been easy, but with the
safe arrival of our son we can...
Have you worked as a PA before?
I was married for five years.
Um, no, I haven't officially,
but I'm incredibly organised, some
people might say pathologically so.
I worked at a restaurant in New York
for a while and the girls kept
taking each other's shifts,
so I organised a system
in the restaurant where it just...
Ruth?
Yes.
OK, you seem like a nice lady,
but I'm going to be totally honest.
You don't have a lot of experience.
OK.
I'm looking for someone who I can
trust to keep on top of things.
My diary management
alone is pretty hectic.
We're not a small company.
OK.
Can I be honest, too, Mr Thornton?
Please - Ross.
Ross.
OK, Ross, I have extensive
experience managing a five-year-old
who is like catnip for headlice,
an eight-month-old
who I think is nocturnal,
a 43-year-old who still does
not know where the bin bags are.
I have a sister who is
a self-destructive, narcissistic,
sex and drugs addict,
and I have two guinea pigs
who I swear nobody but me
has seen in the last two years.
And yet they live.
I cook, I clean, I suck snot out
of their nostrils - the children's -
I organise everything.
I pay the bills, I do the grocery
shopping, I do the homework,
I do the tax returns, I yell at
Alexa because she is a misogynist.
I organise their dentist and their
doctor and their optician appointments.
I keep an unnecessarily
complicated calendar of
activities and plans and play dates.
I send over 300 birthday cards
and Christmas cards and thank you
cards every year, and I make sure
that they are personally signed,
because the art of
penmanship has been lost.
I am trying to tell you that
I organise the crap out of life,
and so I think, with all due, Ross,
I can make sure that you've got your
staples and you get to your
squash appointment on time.
You don't half like calling
me to some weird places.
Well, I have a weird life.
Thanks. You're my hero.
Going through 'em pretty
quick, mind.
Like you said - tolerance.
Sometimes slowing down
works good as speeding up.
Look, I'm not trying to do myself
out of a job or anything, but...
Mike, I'm good.
You're the boss.
Oh, fuck, I meant to go to the ATM
this morning and then
this all kicked off.
You know I don't do
credit, Rob. I know.
I know, I'm sorry. Look, I'll pay
you back next time, with interest.
Pretty, pretty please?
It won't happen again.
Once.
Don't go making a habit of it,
pardon the pun.
Course.
Oh, before I forget,
I cut this out of
the newspaper for you.
It's an article about hyper-
dimensional computing theory,
how it might lead to AI
with reflexes and memories.
You know, 'cause we was talking
about whether robots are gonna
end up killing us all or not.
I just wish they'd hurry up
and get on with it.
Where is she? Oh, come on, come on,
come on, don't play with me.
Oh, fuck! I have to go.
What level is she on?
Kadell. What are you doing here?
That's my baby.
Shh! Kadell!
That's my kid, Robyn,
you know it is.
They are married.
Oh, don't give me that BS.
You're the one that kept
fucking sneaking me in for her.
I know you don't give a shit
about that, and neither does Roxy.
You're right. The sanctity of
marriage means about as much to me
as a titanium tampon, but you know
what does mean something to me?
My work. And you marching in
there shouting your mouth off
is bad for my fucking business, OK?
I'm a daddy.
I'm a daddy.
OK. Really?
Guys, this is Kadell.
What the hell is he doing here?
That's my baby, blud.
He's a Barron.
Bullshit.
Don't fucking swear
in front of my wife.
Dad.
Alright, calm down. Kadell has
every right to be here, because
genetically the child is his.
The child is his, right, Rox?
Yes. What sort of slag
do you think I am? Rude.
Fact is, we are where we are, and we
need to deal with it, like adults.
You said you loved me.
You what?
Rox? No.
I said I loved having sex with you,
Kadell. That's different.
Bloody Nora.
Babe, I thought
we had something special.
No, babe, I...
OK, time out.
Ladies... huddle. Outside.
Right now, please. Outside.
OK, so what's the play?
Anyone with an ounce of wit will
know that that is Kadell's baby,
so we need to run with it.
What's the outcome that
we're looking for here?
Well, professionally,
Darren and Roxy play
much better as a couple.
The living definition of more
than the sum of their parts.
We don't officially rep Kadell yet,
but after this his profile's
gonna go through the roof.
So we lock him down?
Keep it in the family.
Rinse his 15 minutes.
Whilst protecting brand Barron.
OK. So how do we get
them all to play ball?
How do we ever get anyone to play ball?
Give them what they want.
Right.
So what do they want?
Bradley, baby, it's always such
a pleasure to see your lovely face.
Have you lost weight?
Keto. I just eat meat and cheese
all day and it's sliding
off me like a chemo patient.
Hey man, good job.
Yes!
I hear that Nike are
looking for new blood.
I have the perfect boy for you.
Kadell James.
Never heard of him.
Rising star of British basketball.
Top point scorer at the Olympics.
A real rags to riches story.
Caroline, I'm gonna stop you there.
No-one gives an orphan's fart
for British basketball.
Hey, gimme some.
There must be something you can swing.
I really could do with a favour here.
Angel, you know I would if I could,
you know I would, but I can't.
Besides, they've already earmarked
Donovan Mitchell for that sector.
The ink is practically dry.
I understand, of course.
Thank you for trying.
Oh, one last thing.
Shoot.
Remember that video of you in Vegas,
in the centre of a circle jerk
of transgender prostitutes?
Ha-ha-ha, that's funny.
That's funny. She's good -
you're good at making jokes.
I was just thinking about
it the other day, how I stopped it
from getting to your wife
and your boss and being published
on the homepage of the Mail online.
I cannot deny
nor confirm that statement.
I'll make some calls.
You are a dear.
OK. Look, Kadell,
I know that you're feeling
emotional, but you're 23 years old.
You've got a great career ahead of you.
You don't wanna be a full-time dad
right now. And let's get real here.
Everyone's gonna know that kid
belongs to you, so I'm asking you
to tell the press that, after
getting to know Darren and Roxy
during your time working
together on Celebs Go Dancing,
you formed a very special
bond, and as a result
they asked you to be a sperm donor
to help them conceive their child.
Think of it like a backdoor assist.
Why would I do that?
How does being one of the faces
of Nike's new inheritance campaign
sound? Full sponsorship.
Huge visibility.
And more trainers than you
could wear in a lifetime.
And of course you'd get to see
Taron any time you're around.
Buy him awesome presents
for his birthday.
And maybe every now and then
you and Roxy can play a little
game of Mr Wobbly hides his helmet.
Hang on, what do I get out of this?
You get to go back to golf lessons.
Twice a week? Sandy says
you won't see the difference unless
it's at least twice a week.
This is all a bit... European.
We went on a cruise with a couple
of swingers once.
Who?
Paddy and Margaret.
Paddy and Margaret were swingers?
Yeah.
Look, I don't wanna piss on
anyone's parade, but you two
have been married for five years
and I've already covered up at
least three affairs for both of you,
but I really do believe that you
actually love each other.
So if you're gonna screw other people,
why not just be honest about it
and get on with your lives?
Polyamory is actually
super on-trend right now.
You get to have your cake and fuck it.
Well done today. You did great.
Um, Robyn?
Um... look, I just wanted
to say that I am...
really happy to be back again,
and I appreciate what you
were trying to do for me.
So, no hard feelings.
Ready?
Yeah. Yeah, just coming.
I'll take your...
No, no, that's fine. I'll get it.
Sure?
Yeah, it's fine.
Thank you so much
for doing this for me.
This is great.
I'll help you bring it up.
No. No, no, don't be silly.
I'll be fine.
Come on.
So, Steph seems nice.
Oh, yeah. She's great.
She's gorgeous. Well done.
How long's that been going for?
Not that long. Couple of weeks.
But we've known each
other for ages, so...
Well, that's nice.
Are you... seeing anyone?
Oh, I mean, there's a couple
of people, but I'm just keeping it
cazh, you know.
Just playing the field a bit, you know.
Blimey. You'll be fit by the time
you've lived here for a bit.
Not that you're not fit now.
No, I don't mean - I mean,
fit like strong fit,
not fit ...fit.
Oh, oh, god. Oh.
What?
Oh, holy mothering Sunday.
What's wrong?
Ooh, my back.
Old Judo injury.
Ah. Just need to stay
like this for a bit.
Do you want me to rub it?
Don't rub it.
Oh, it hurts when I laugh!
Ah! Were you seriously gonna try
and do this on the Tube?
I don't know.
My parents were gonna come down.
From Scotland?
Yeah, they were gonna drive.
My dad didn't really feel up to it.
He doesn't really like
travelling much nowadays.
Lung cancer is the cunt, isn't it?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
No, it's fine. He's OK now.
They got it all out, apparently.
It's just... hard, isn't it?
Oh, son of a bank robber.
OK, I'm good.
Yeah? I'm good.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I did not know that you did Judo.
Yeah. Blue belt.
It's pointless, though.
No kicking or punching.
It was just like
2.5 years of wearing pyjamas
and learning how to trip people up.
I spent four years trying
to learn the treble recorder.
I could have learnt Mandarin
in that time.
I don't think that I'm
ever gonna fully forgive
my parents for that one.
Yeah.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me...
That's a nice touch.
Of course.
Of course.
How're you feeling?
It's fine. Just a little stiff,
that's all. Be totally fine.
Thank you so much for helping me.
I literally do not know what
I would have done without you.
Don't be silly. It's totally fine.
What's the point in having
a Volvo Estate if... actually,
I'll just leave that sentence there.
Do you want to stay for a drink?
I think I've got a bottle of
limoncello that my aunt brought
back from Italy that we could open.
I'd better not.
Driving.
No.
Well, I guess I'll see
you at work, probably.
Probably.
See you.
How did you know I was here?
Melody.
God, that girl's good.
I know, right?
Don't ever tell her that.
No.
Wanna go get trashed?
I already called an Uber.
Victor is on his way.
Thanks, though.
Oi! Abortion is murder.
Really?
Come on, let's just go. Come on.
No, no. Do you know what?
No. No, not OK.
This has literally nothing
to do with you.
All life is sacred.
Oh, grow up.
If you really thought all life
was sacred, you wouldn't be wearing
leather shoes, if you can call those
orthopaedic monstrosities shoes.
There are refugees drowning in boats,
families being carpet-bombed,
tiny babies without enough
water or basic vaccines.
If you really care so much about
life then do something about that
instead of sitting around here
on your arse playing Candy Crush
and shouting at women you've never met before.
It's the easy way out.
You've clearly never had an abortion.
Trust me, I've had two.
And no, that doesn't make me a slut.
It makes me a woman in the 21st
century, who as a teenager was
stealthed by a guy four years
my senior, and who was stupid
enough to have sex with another man
who refused to wear a condom because
it made his willy feel funny.
So deal with it.
Get a life, and mind
your own fucking business.
Abortion is murder.
Merciful tit whistles.
What?
Nothing. My little
brother's just got engaged.
Gives my mother a whole new
excuse to tell me
what a dried-up old spinster
I'm going to be, with moths
coming out of my foof and only cats
to love me, then eat me when I die.
"She said yes." Doesn't it make
you want to become a bomb maker?
'Like'.
Thank you.
Are you sure you're...
I'm good. Thanks.
Hey there.
I'm new to these parts
and I was hoping you might be able
to give me some directions.
What are you doing here?
I was just in the neighbourhood.
I thought you might want
to grab a bite to eat.
How did you find me?
I'm a tech entrepreneur who made
his first billion designing
GPS systems for smart drones.
Ain't my first rodeo.
That is the creepiest
thing I have ever heard.
Absolutely not.
I already made us a reservation.
Well, that was awfully
presumptuous of you, wasn't it?
I guarantee you that's the best
offer you're gonna get all day.
Look, Poundland Tony Stark, if you
think I'm getting on that with you,
you've got another thing coming.
What's Poundland? Is it good?
Eugh.
Come on, it's hella fancy.
How fancy?
Schmancy fancy.
It's the sort of place that
marinates endangered sea urchin
in a bath of dill foam
for 1,000 days fancy.
I had to give the maitre d'
a hand job just to get us a table.
You gave the maitre d'
a hand job? Pour moi?
It's also the best sushi
outside of Sukiyabashi Jiro.
That's a sushi restaurant in Tokyo.
Ah, just ruined it.
Ah! Wait, please.
I don't get to meet a lot of
people I actually like.
You're smart, you're attractive,
you're an asset to my work.
That's the most romantic thing
anyone's ever said to me.
I'm sorry.
Only because you gave a man a hand job.
I cannot believe you ride a motorbike.
Could you be any more of a cliche?
Why don't you just pay a sky writer
to draw a picture of your dick?
That's not a bad idea.
I know a few good pilots.
...the racing driver has been
applauded for speaking so openly
about his fertility woes
and paying tribute to sperm donor
and family friend Kadell James.
Here. You don't have
to take care of me.
It's just cramps.
Robyn, you look like the ghost of
a Victorian prostitute.
Take the water bottle.
Thank you.
What's that?
It's for Kelly's school.
Are they learning drug trafficking?
That's very funny. No.
She has to dress like a pop star,
but I'm not gonna send my
five-year-old to school looking like
Miley Cyrus, so I decided
to get creative.
Paprika, garam masala, turmeric.
She's a Spice Girl. Get it?
Are you actually trying
to get her bullied? What?
She's gonna look like Oscar
the Grouch's homeless child bride.
I thought it was cute.
Oh, how'd the interview go? Did
you end up wearing your prom dress?
I got it. You are looking
at the personal assistant to Ross
at Smolten Luxury Wood Burners,
so you are not the only
working girl in this family.
I knew you were gonna get it.
But you might not want
to use the term 'working girl'.
Well, you will not be laughing
when you're getting a 7.5% discount
on a luxury wood-burner.
No, I will not.
So, what's Ross like?
Is he cute?
Robyn, that is exactly
the kind of unprofessional
question we are trying to
eradicate in a post-MeToo world.
You're right, you're right.
So is he cute?
I don't know.
Kind of. He's not, like,
"Oops I dropped my pen
and while I'm down there" cute.
He's sort of... I don't know, "I want
him to come outside and watch me"
"ride a bicycle" cute.
Do you ever imagine what
your life would have been like
if you hadn't had Kelly?
Constantly. Doing it right now.
It's my mental screensaver.
Do you think that anyone can be
a mother, or that some people,
like Mom, are just not built for it?
No, Mom could have been, if
she tried, but she chose not to.
She literally threw herself off
of a bridge in order to avoid it.
Do you have regrets, about choosing it?
Honestly, no.
Even when Kelly is lying on
the pavement and she's screaming
until she can't breathe, and Teddy
is sick, and he hasn't slept,
and my hands smell like puke
and my hair smells like puke,
I don't even have the energy
to bathe him properly,
so I just stick him under the faucet
like I'm washing a potato.
I know what it feels like not
to have a family, and it sucks.
Think I needed them to tie myself to,
or I would have just floated away.
God, I never realised
how selfish that is.
Are you OK?
Mm-hm.
Do you know what?
I like that I get to be
a good mother and do the right thing,
so that they can just
go wild and not give a damn because
they know that I have their back.
I wish you were my mom.
Oh, don't be silly.
I am your mom.
So, what about Mark?
I don't know.
I don't know what I feel.
I... I'm not angry.
I'm not even shocked, honestly.
I just feel kind of
normal and numb, just like
I'm used to people leaving.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm not talking about you.
You drink all of my good coffee
and you ruined my marriage,
but you never left.
I'll just replace it with bacon
and she can go as Lady Gaga.