Flack (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Dan - full transcript

[Man] Okay, so let me
get this straight.

You're saying you were on
Hampstead Heath at 2307 alone,

walking your dog?

That is correct.

And for no reason, you were attacked.

Yep.

But you don't want to press charges.

I just don't want the bother,

and he'll be long gone by now.

Did you see your assailant?

Only the back of his head...



...as he was running away.

Okay, well now that's all cleared up,

I'm assuming we're free to leave.

Thank you, Robyn,
I didn't know who else to call.

- It's alright.
- What am I supposed to do with this?

Feed it twice a day,
take it for nice long walks,

treat it to the occasional bone.

But I don't want a dog.

If you'd like to go back in there
and change your statement,

- you're more than welcome.
- (sighing)

All right, his name's Lumpy, and you
might want to get that eye looked at.

Come on, Lumpy!

♪♪ (upbeat music)

♪♪ (theme)



[Woman] It's my birthday
and I'm going to party. Ow!

(shouts)

Sorry, Teddy's getting really bitey.

Honestly, my nipples are a mess.

You know those machines
they have at the pier,

the ones that flatten pennies?

It feels like my nipples have gone

through one of those machines.

(giggling)

Don't laugh, I'm not kidding.

- I'm sorry.
- Seriously.

Now, enjoy your titties
while they're yours.

These days, mine are either
juice boxes for the kids

or Mark is grabbing at them
like he's testing avocados.

Speaking of which, how's that going,

are you guys still trying?

Sorry.
Was that a bad thing to say?

No, not at all.

Yes, we're trying,
it's just taking a while.

Honestly, that is for
the best, I'm not kidding.

Mark barely had to breathe on my vagina

and I was pregnant, not complaining,

but, you know, like, a warning shot

would have been nice,
fertile son of a...

Ow! God damn it!

I have got to put the baby down now.

Do you want me to call you back?

No. Go. Sleep. I love you.

Love you. Bye.

♪♪ (gentle ambient music)

(moaning on speaker)

(door opening)

[Man] Ow! Fuck!

- Turn the light on babe.
- (switch clicks)

Sorry.

How's your night?

Fantastic. Tramp took
a shit in a corridor.

There any protests?

The word protest is a bit sophisticated

for what I saw.

Brought this back

Might go in and get checked, you know?

Rule things out.
Have a read.

Interesting moment at work today.

- Oh, yeah?
- Tabitha,

the new junior nursing assistant
tried to have sex with me.

I'm sorry, what?

Mm-hmm. Oh, and I know
what you're thinking,

but she's not fat or hairy
or mentally ill.

She's actually pretty fit, looks like
a slightly less toothy Billie Piper.

- Okay.
- Yeah, proper pass,

asked me for a lift
home and everything.

It was a slam dunk.

- Great, what'd you do?
- Fucked her.

(chuckles) I'm kidding.

Told her I have a lovely girlfriend

waiting for me at home.

(kissing)

- Great story.
- Someone jealous?

Just not sure why you're telling me.

I thought it was funny,

Don't you wanna know how
desirable your boyfriend is?

Not really. Do you wanna know about
all the men who try to fuck me?

Wow.

Christ. Okay. Don't know
what's got up your arse.

Just not sure what point you're making.

Do you want a medal
for not cheating on me?

No, of course not, I just...

Okay, sorry if I misjudged it,
wasn't meant to be a big deal.

Then why did you tell me?

I don't know, it was just...
It was on my mind,

and I thought it was...

Oh, well, forget it, forget it.
It's just...

Forgive me for sharing.

(switch clicks)

♪♪ (gentle ambient music)

(alarm clock beeping)

♪♪ (upbeat music)

Ha, you came back.

You noticed.

I don't know if it was the coke

or your Uber driver ruining
Simon's handjob story,

but, wow, you definitely
made an impression.

Yeah, I feel awful about that.

Oh, don't, he's got
a million stories like that.

Last week he was telling
this one about getting rimmed

in Nando's by a postman.

Absolute classic.
Guy's been married 11 years.

- You wanna drag?
- Nope, yeah.

Trying to quit.

Ah, Vogues, classy.

Makes me feel like
a fat-fingered Audrey Hepburn.

Oh, God.

I'm Tom, by the way.

- Robyn.
- Like the superhero?

- Sidekick.
Robin's not a superhero,

he's a sidekick,

but I'm plenty happy
being in the background.

It's hard when you start these things,

everyone's got more hours than you.

I remember feeling like I joined a cult

and they were gonna ask
me to marry my sister.

It gets better, though.
I promise.

Mm, can't wait.

How long you been in the rooms?

- Three years.
- Wow.

Yeah, I wish I could say it was easy.

I mean, some days you
feel like you licked it,

and other days it just... Bang!

It just kicks you in the
bollocks like an angry mule,

or lady bollocks, in your case.

Anyway, we should head inside.

Um, stick at it.

I don't know if you've got a sponsor,

but if you ever want to talk
about your recovery...

or anything else, for that matter.

(chuckles)

So, found out guy I went
to school with is trans.

Has this happened to any of you?

It's pretty confusing,
'cause obviously now I know

that he is a she.

But what about...
I'm talking about my past.

Was he a he before a certain time?

Or is there, like, a cut-off point?

(chuckles)

Sorry, bad choice of words.

No, to do something like that,
it takes balls.

That's a funny line.

Sorry, have I just walked into

a working men's club from the '80s,

I appreciate someone having
to undergo intensive

and invasive
gender reassignment surgery.

It must have been
very difficult for you.

(laughter)

Not quite the point that I was making.

I mean, yeah, they had to find
over 20 grand for the treatment,

but you're confused
about which pronouns to use.

(laughter)

Yeah, all right, sit back down, love,

'cause people here have come
for some comedy.

Yeah, when is that gonna start?

(laughter)

You're lucky there's not
a dick under there anymore,

or I'd knock you on your arse.

Come on, how was I supposed to know

there's a trans comedian
in the audience?

I mean, what are the chances
of that happening?

Well, she was on the lineup,
so I'd say pretty fucking high.

Well, I don't even know
who Allie Gregs is!

Well, neither did I, but now I do,

and so does all of Twitter.

It wasn't even that offensive,
I was being ironic.

How is it ironic?

Because I'm not trans.

Live Nation is threatening
to pull the whole tour.

- 147,000 hits.
- That is not a good thing.

I thought there was
no such thing as bad publicity.

If one more person throws
that bullshit at me, I...

Just have a conversation
with Kevin Spacey,

and he can fill you in.

We talked about this.

You said,
"Try a bit more edgy material,

"be a bit more risqué.

It'll play well
with young people."

I meant throw in a joke about ISIS,

not offend an entire
community of people.

You don't think she's being
a tiny bit sensitive?

The most damaging thing about this tape

is that she's being funnier than you.

Hey, I resent that,
that is new material.

I'm running that in,
that is not gonna be perfect.

Enough. Go bathe
and put some pants on.

We've got work to do.

Trousers.

♪♪ (upbeat music)

Okay, so we're going
for full mea culpa,

egg on face, big apologies,
kissing trans babies,

- the works.
- Trans babies?

Isn't this the man who got kicked out

of the Comedy Awards for
dipping his balls on the head

of BBC Comedy's Prosecco?

I'm not sure humility
is his strong point.

Melody, I need you to get
in touch with Allie Gregs.

She's not gonna want to talk to you,

but do whatever it takes.

We need to contain this.

- Earth to Melody.
- Yes, got it.

Ooh, Tom kiss, anyone nice?

Oh, no it's just a guy from NA.

It's not... He was offering
to be my sponsor,

Bet he was. God, I love
damaged men. Is he cute?

I haven't really thought about it.

Yeah, well, whatever.

Well, enjoy sponsoring his brains out.

Maybe I should set up the two of you.

Mmm, last time I went on a blind date,

I ended up climbing out
the window at Sexy Fish.

- Seriously, he's hot.
- Oh, he's hot now, is he?

- Thought you hadn't thought about it.
- Shut up.

Do you wanna fuck him
with my vagina, is that it?

- Don't be a dick!
- If you need me to have sex with him,

so that you don't have to,
just have to ask.

Selena Pope's been
spotted without her bump.

- Yep, got it.
- Christ.

When it rains,
everyone's an idiotic twat.

Right, I'll deal with Proctorgate.

I need some transgender celebs who'll
agree to be friends with Dan Proctor.

I can only think of Caitlyn Jenner
and that lady that wonBig Brother.

Definitely start withBig Brother.

- Taxi!
- (car engine running)

- (phone ringing)
- Hello.

Hey, are we still on for tonight?

- Of course.
- Good,

'cause I'm gonna get effed up.

Mummy, higher!

Mummy's on the phone, bubba.

Are you absolutely sure you don't wanna

spend your birthday with Mark?

I spend every night
of my life with Mark,

For once, he can look
after his children

while Mummy gets her party on.

- Mummy!
- Okay.

Oh my God! I cannot tell you
how excited I am for tonight.

I feel like it has been ages since
I've had a proper night out.

You better get ready, because
Mummy is going to bring the thunder.

Okay, but you will stop referring to
yourself as "Mummy" this evening, right?

Because it's kind of weirding me out.

- So that is noted.
- I'll see you later.

- Love you!
- Higher!

Put your back into it, woman!

What part of "wear it
at all times" confused you?

Eh, I needed soya. I popped
out for, like, five seconds.

How was I supposed to know
there was a paparazzi

hiding behind my neighbor's
fucking Qashqai?

You're supposed to be eight
and a half months pregnant.

You cannot leave the house
without your fucking baby.

- I forgot!
- You forgot?

How many times have
we been through this?

Nine months, nine bumps,
I even numbered them for you.

This is really hard.

No, Selena, having
an actual baby is hard.

This is shoving a cushion
up your jumper.

Stop shouting.

Why don't we just say I lost the baby?

Uh, excuse me?

And what exactly would you
like me to do with this?

Christ, I don't know.

I'm just trying a little bit
of blue-sky thinking.

Could we just get it taken out early?

Oh! Maybe next time you could
have your own bloody baby.

Okay, we've been through this,

I have got hostile womb
and a very busy schedule.

Also, I don't want my vagina
ripped to my arsehole,

is that okay with you?

That is what I'm paying her for.
I'm sorry, Rose.

When was the last time you were
photographed with the bump?

Oh, the talk on body confidence,
for International Women's Day,

maybe 10 days ago.

That's when you had the baby,
that night.

It came early, and since then,

you've been working hard
to drop the baby weight.

She's also been working
really fucking hard.

Yeah, but what about the baby?

We don't have a baby.

We will just have to borrow
one until the actual baby arrives.

- Borrow one?
When the baby's born,

its date of birth will be
on its birth certificate.

- It won't match.
- That we can deal with.

According to Wikipedia, she's 29.

♪♪ (gentle ambient music)

(chuckles)

Ah, great. Hi, guys.

Thank you so much for
doing this. This is Dan.

Who are these people?

Dan, this is James and Coco,
they're from an organization

called Trans Educate,

and they've very kindly agreed

to come here today to educate
you about your ignorance.

- Seriously?
- Okay, don't look, but there's a photographer

with a long lens just over there.

We're just having casual lunch
with your casual trans friends,

just sharing how casually
not transphobic you are, okay?

All you have to do is talk
to them and not be a bigot.

Can you do that?

Dan Proctor.

- Hi.
- Hi.

(doorbell chimes)

- Hi ya, you Allie Gregs?
- Who are you?

My name's Melody, I work
for Dan Proctor's PR company.

I was just wondering
if we can have a chat.

(door slams)

Ball bags...

(phone ringing)

Oh, God.

- Yep.
- How's it going?

- Um, not great.
- I need someone

who's had a baby in the last six weeks.

Oh, hang on.

Eve's calling,

let me see if I can patch her through.

What's going on girl, then?

I need a baby.

Same thing happened to my friend,

literally the day she hit 30.

No, I need to borrow one.

Oh, what about Cheryl from accounts,

she had a baby like a week ago.

Which one's Cheryl?

Red hair? She's married
to Ian with the beard.

You said she looked like the love child

of Ed Sheeran and a coconut.

(laughing) Oh, Cheryl.
Was she pregnant?

Only for nine months,

- Melody, can you text me her address?
- Mm-hmm.

- Eve, how's it going on your end?
- All good.

Operation Some Of My Best
Friends Are Black is a go.

♪♪ (gentle upbeat music)

- (baby fussing)
- Shh-shh.

It's nice of you to come and visit me.

Of course, all the girls
and I were talking about you

in the office this morning.

- It's just so sweet.
No offense,

but I didn't even know
if you knew who I was.

We often feel a bit left out
down in accounts.

- Don't be ridiculous.
What's her name?

- It's Ivy.
- That's beautiful.

Want to hold her?

Oh, no...

I could really do with peeing.

- Okay.
- (baby fussing)

Oh.

(sighs)

You can have a muzzy,
so she's not sick on your dress.

- Hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

What's up, shorty?

(baby cooing)

Yeah, I feel the same way.

Hey, you.

You're a natural.

- (baby fussing)
- Oh. Shh.

Cheryl, how do you fancy
getting out of the house today?

♪♪ (upbeat suspenseful music)

You'd make a terrible spy, you know.

Please, can I just explain a minute?

I have an interview
with Abigail Reese at 2 p.m.

I'm not speaking to anyone else,

especially not
Dan "Dickhead" Proctor's P.R.

Please?

I'm the new girl in the office.

I've only just moved to London,

and I hardly know anyone.

I'm barely even getting paid,

so they only think I'm some kind
of wide-eyed country bumpkin.

This is the first proper job
they've actually given me to do,

so I can't mess it up, because then
they'll find out I'm a total loser.

Please, I just...
I just want them to like me.

Did you seriously just give a speech

about not fitting in to a trans woman?

Jesus, is there nothing
you people won't stoop to?

Oh, tits.

- (camera beeps)
- A bit stagy.

Creepy. Serial killer.

Okay, no, we're going
for natural humility.

Look, I'm just saying
that I knew him...

I knew her as a man, so it's confusing

knowing what to call them now.

- Are you married?
- Yeah.

What was your wife's name
before you were married?

Sarah, Barker, Sarah Barker.

How on earth do you get
your head around the fact

that you now have to
call her Sarah Proctor?

Christ, must be so confusing for you.

- You're Dan Proctor.
- Sorry.

- You're Dan Proctor.
- No, I'm not.

Oh, come on, mate, you're great.

I love that bit you do
about Popeye wanking.

(impersonating cartoon)

(laughing)
'Cause it's sick.

I used to do this whole routine

about Popeye having
much larger forearms than...

It's actually a lot cleverer
than he's...

Mate, can I get a picture?

Not now mate, yeah?

Oh, come on, don't be a dick about it.

You can see that I'm just
having a drink with my friends.

(shouting)

Don't shoot this!

Why is there a photographer there?

- Oh, no, he's not with us.
- Is this a setup?

Mate you are unbelievable.

No, wait, wait.

You're a fucking dinosaur!

And I've seen your
Popeye routine. It's shit.

Why is there a baby in reception?

We borrowed it for Selena Pope.

Okay, so in the announcements...

Allie Gregs.

I tried talking to her,
but she's not interested.

She is meeting Abigail Reese

at the Dean Street Hotel at two.

You know Reese, don't you Robyn?

No, I used to know her a bit,

but I haven't...

- Dan Proctor.
- Right, Dan Proctor.

- You have 11 seconds,
- Not great.

His Twitter feed is exploding
with LGBTQ activists

calling for his tour to be pulled,

Live Nation are shitting themselves.

The video has already made
it to all major news outlets

and is already up on several websites,

and he just got slapped around the face

by a sassy trans activist.

(chairs creak)

I spoke to Nadia
fromBig Brother Five...

- We could play the ignorance.
Just get Channel Five...

Maybe if we dig deeper
into his family life,

- we can...
- Stop.

Christ.

It's like being slowly stung
to death by incompetent wasps.

There's blood in the water.
Stop flapping around

like a bunch of epileptic
penguins and take control.

Here's what we're going to do.

♪♪ (upbeat music)

- (phone ringing)
- Yeah.

Allie Gregs, 10:00.

What the hell does 10:00 mean?

Look behind you. Left.

She's coming your way now.
She's coming in.

Ooh, I'm so sorry, so sorry.

Oh my God.
Are you Allie Gregs?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I saw your show in Edinburgh.

- Oh, really?
- This is crazy,

I just think you're so
brilliant, I'm Eve, by the way.

♪♪ (upbeat music)

- Reese!
- Robyn, hi.

It's good to see you.

Same. What you doing here?

- Just work, you?
- I'm here to meet...

I'm not meeting Allie Gregs, am I?

Christ, how do you people
creep in so quick?

I take it you're looking
after Dan Proctor these days.

(chuckles) Why don't we grab a drink?

- Uh, yes. Oh, hello.
Is it Reese?

- Not exactly.
Should we get a drink?

(chuckles)

Yeah.

Three Edinburgh Festivals, 80-seater,

80-seater, 120-seater,

regular slot at London clubs,

average capacity between 200-300,

modest regional touring circuit...

- What's your point?
- My point is you're funny,

you have something to say.

Unfortunately, right now,
no one is hearing you say it.

Dan Proctor plays to more people
in one night

than you have played to throughout
the entire four years of your career.

He won't when I'm finished with him.

Do you really think so?

That video has been up 24 hours,

it's already been watched
by nearly a million people.

Have you read all the comments?

A biting interview with Abigail Reese,

tearing Mr. Proctor
to shreds,

will be fun and fair,

but it's not going change things.

The same people will still
be sitting in the same pub

saying, "I don't see
what the fuss is about."

You don't change opinions by talking

to the noddingGuardian readers
who already agree with you.

You change them by pissing
in the mainstream.

- How exactly do I do that?
- Okay.

"Entitled chauvinistic ball-bag

picks fight he can't win

with unknown trans comedian."

Or...

Looking forward to this.

The perfect PR stunt.

- Excuse me?
- Think about it.

Dan Proctor is about to announce
his biggest tour ever.

Eighteen dates, four at the O2.

You said it yourself, no one talks
about Dan Proctor anymore.

He's middle of the road, mainstream,

not an edge in sight, but...

If Dan Proctor would be
supported on that tour

by the most dynamic and exciting
comedian on the circuit,

who just so happens to trans,

now, that's an interesting story.

Not to mention
an extraordinary platform

for such a vocal ambassador of
the trans community as yourself.

If that were the case, then staging
a fight with that community,

and a fight actively holds
a mirror to the ignorance

that trans people face
every single day.

A fight that accidentally got
leaked to nearly a million people.

Well, that just might
be a stroke of genius.

Okay, I see where you're
going here, but why the...

...fuck would I even consider
sharing a stage with that prick?

(chuckling)
I'm not being funny,

but if you want me to eat that shit,

you need to at least give me a spoon.

Dan's management have agreed to
give 10% of the profits to Stonewall,

as well as mentioning
them in all publicity.

He's one of the best known
comedians in the U.K.,

12 million Twitter followers.

Do you think people
will actually believe it?

They will if they're given an
exclusive by credible journalist,

particularly if that credible
journalist happens to be

a heavy influencer
in the LGBTQ community.

Wouldn't it be fun to be the one
journalist who actually got the joke?

- Okay, okay, I get it.
It's a great platform.

You're all crusaders
for the cause and all that.

That's grand.

But let's cut the crap, shall we?

How much?

Forty-five minutes of material.

Fifty percent of the box office.

The O2 is not exactly small.

Stonewall's 10% comes out of his cup.

- Okay.
- Plus you represent me free.

- For the first six months
- Twelve.

- Eight.
- Deal.

Nice doing business with you.

And he's agreed to all this?

Of course he has.

- Fifty percent?
- It's actually 40

when you factor in Stonewall.

Not to mention our fee.

Well, it's madness,

whatever happened to freedom of speech?

What, the P.C. patrol get
to dictate what I can

and can't talk about now, do they?

Dan, I think you can talk
about whatever you like,

you just have to be funny.

Belle, get Mr. Proctor here
a glass of fizzy water

and stick a little gin in it, thanks.

Do you think my Popeye routine is shit?

Absolutely, that's lovely?

That's lovely.

It's all lovely, it's great.
Now get some more face.

- Fantastic
- Sorry, just...

- (baby fusses)
- Shh.

It's ginger.
Is that a problem?

Lots of babies are
born with ginger hair.

Most lose it in the first year.

- I did not know that!
- Mm-hmm.

- Huh!
(chuckles)

- [Woman] Nice big smile.
Very nice.

So what do you do?

I'm the mother of the real baby, you?

Um, I suppose I'm the mother
of the fake baby.

- (chuckles)
- Hmm.

(phone vibrates)

- All set with Allie?
- May I?

Yeah.

So how's, um... Sam?

He's great.

We must stop meeting like this.

How's tricks?

- How's tricks?
Tricks are good.

Maybe we should get a
drink later, old time's sake.

I don't think so.

What was it you always used to say?

- "Girls don't count."
- Reese.

- Oh, come on.
Don't tell me

you're no fun anymore, of all people.

The reason I don't wanna fuck you

is not 'cause I'm no fun,
it's 'cause you're a cunt.

Now, please take your hand off my ass.

There's my girl.

Christ. I cannot wait to get
"schmeloned" tonight. Reese.

Eve, how are ya?

Oh, you know,
kicking ass taking names, you?

Great, nice to see you.

- What?
- Nothing, a bit awkward.

It's fine, ancient history.

I hate bumping into post-shags.

I once went to dinner party
and got stuck opposite

a guy I spent an hour
tromboning the weekend before,

kept getting combat flashbacks.

- May I ponce?
- Feel free.

Oh my God.

Oh, no, no, it's not...

Shut the front door, that's amazing.

- Really?
- Christ, yes.

It's terrifying, mental, but amazing.

It's times like this,
I wish my tear ducts worked.

This is not the response I expected.

Why not? Be a travesty not
to continue your gene pool.

I'd love a mini you hanging around,

we could dress it
in freebies and use it

to get good parking spaces,

just make sure it's not a boy.

Don't get too excited, it may
not even be a possibility,

I've not exactly looked
after myself all these years.

- Look, babe, Sam's amazing.
He's like a grown up,

but a grown up you want
to hang out with.

Just promise me you won't
leave me, buy a Landrover,

and move to some godforsaken hamlet,

wearing nothing but wellies and
clothes with human waste on them.

If that happens,
and that is a great big if,

I will be back here
within a week with that thing

hanging off my tit.

- Promise?
- Promise.

I don't want to touch it much,
so don't be offended.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Still on for tonight?
- Yeah, of course.

Amazing, I thought we could go
to this place my mate

was telling me about,
they only do hot dogs,

and then for pudding,
you have a hot dog as well,

- but it's made of ice cream.
- That sounds brilliant.

I know and apparently,
instead of ketchup and...

Melody, would you chase out that copy

for theOK! announcements?

Yeah, of course,
I'll do that right away.

- Why you being weird?
Have you farted?

Yep. I'm sorry.

Sorry, you saying about ketchup?

Uh, oh, uh, it's strawberry sauce.

That sounds excellent.

Okay, um, you can text me the
address, and I'll meet you there?

Okay, bye.

♪♪ (upbeat dance music)

This better be worth it, this
is not the sort of underwear

you wear if nobody's going to see it.

If it doesn't work out,
I'll just have to flash

the mini cab driver on the way home.

(sniffs)

Oh, shit, sorry, keep forgetting
about the whole...

- Just calm the nerves.
- It's fine.

(shouting) Oi, here we are, hi!

- Hi beautiful, happy birthday.
You remember Eve.

I do. Oh my God,
you look stunning.

God, if I were that I would
look like a baby in a bin bag,

but you look fantastic.

Actually, I was going for sushi roll.

(giggling)

Hey, babe, happy birthday.

Oh my God, it's gorgeous!

I saw you eyeing up that woman's

when we were at lunch
a couple weeks ago,

and I thought the color would go great

with that new coat you got.

Oh, it's perfect, it's a freebie, yeah?

No, it's fine, honestly,
I'd have beaten the crap out

of you if you'd spent
that much money on a handbag.

All right, Jaeger Bombs.
Come on. Who's with me?

♪♪ (upbeat dance music)

- Hi.
- Hey.

Nice to see you outside
of a church function.

You look great.

Oh, this old thing?

Can I get a Coke, please?

Wow, this is not exactly
how my sponsorships

- usually pan out.
- More fun though, right?

Yeah, I think so.

I never been on a blind date before.

How did you know I was single?
Or was I just rocking

the whole sad, desperate,
heartbroken vibe?

- No, not at all.
- Right, that's a relief.

Sorry to hear you
had your heart broken.

Oh, it'll fix right,
that's what I'm assured.

- Recent?
- Fairly, a bit messy,

so I'm, you know, in chaos.

I think I'm familiar
with that place? How did...

- She screwed someone else.
Yeah, so that was good.

Hey, leave her alone, she's mine.

Oh this is Ruth.

Ruth, wow, Robyn said
you're a very sexy lady.

- Did she now?
- No, this is my sister,

that was Eve I was talking about.

- Brilliant. Cheers.
Eve's taking a piss,

but it's nice to meet you anyway.

- It's my birthday.
- Oh, happy birthday.

(gulping)

I'm so sorry, I didn't
know you were coming,

I didn't get you any Jaeger Bombs.

Hey, you know what,
that is quite all right,

but listen, why don't
I get the next round in?

What do you want, same again?
Okay.

- He seems nice.
- He's here for Eve.

Don't get your knickers in
a twist. I just did some coke.

- What?
- Yeah.

Eve had some in her little thing.
Those are good, aren't they?

- Jesus, Ruth...
- Oh, don't be all holier

than thou just because
you are off of it

for the millionth time,
it's my birthday.

- It's your birthday.
Don't tell Tom.

Right, whose round?

Tom's getting us some drinks.

Oh, he's here, is he?

- Is he a freak.
- He seems really nice.

He is really nice and you guys need

to calm the fuck down and
stop acting like the Witches

of Eastwick or he's gonna
think we're a bunch of crazies.

Hey, what do you care?

Okay, so in the spirit
of mixing drinks,

I thought I'd get you tequilas.

(screaming)

- Tom, this Eve.
- Oh, Eve...

I don't actually drink tequila,

do you mind getting me something else?

Yeah, no, yeah, what,

Jaeger Bomb? Jaeger
Bomb it is. I'll get that.

Since when do you not like tequila?

I'm negging him, all part of the strat.

This is fun.

♪♪ (upbeat dance music)

- This place is wicked.
- Yeah.

I heard some of the girls
talking about it at work

and apparently they
serve a cocktail here

that's like got an
actual goldfish in it.

- Sick.
- Yeah.

- Having such a fun night.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, God, I was so nervous when I asked you out.

I've never really been out
one of the office girls before,

they don't really talk to me,
just give me dirty looks

when I'm replacing their printer paper.

- Oh my God.
- What?

Sorry, I've just like
bitten my tongue, sorry.

- (both laughing)
- Carry on.

So you guys met at the drugs thing?

- Eve.
- Oh, sorry. Is that supposed to be a secret?

No, the name Narcotics
Anonymous is just ironic.

Why don't we talk about something else?

- Tom, what's your story?
- My story?

Banker, lost loads of money,
couldn't hack it?

Not quite. I was a dancer

at the English National Ballet
for 11 years.

I started taking the coke
to keep my energy up

and keep the weight off.

Then I busted my ankle,
couldn't dance anymore,

so I left the company,
but I didn't leave the coke.

And it got to the stage
where I realized

I needed to stop doing it 'cause
it turned me into a massive dick.

- So you were a ballet dancer.
That's hilarious.

I knew you had a bit of gay in you.

Speaking of which, I'm going
for a fag, anyone else?

No, thanks, I'm good.

See, you're not what
I imagined a PR girl to be.

She's exactly what I
imagined a PR girl to be.

She's all right underneath,
she's just nervous.

Oi, you.

I want tequila.

It makes me happy.

Thing is, I get so nervous, and
all this crazy stuff comes out,

'cause I'm bricking it, and my
mouth just starts, you know,

chat, chat, chatting.

Oh my God.

What, you bite your tongue again?

(giggling)
No.

- Wow.
- Sorry.

Would you like to go somewhere else?

- Sounds great.
- Great.

This is Kelly. She's so
clever. She's awesome.

- Hey.
- It's me.

Have you seen The Guardianonline?

Congratulations. You just
reversed back up a cliff.

Yeah, it's a bit like
when I had a colonoscopy

I know I should have
thanked the doctor,

but all I wanted to do
is punch him in the face.

You're welcome, Dan.

Middle-aged comedian?

172,000 words in the English language,

and that's my adjective, is it?

We'll speak soon.

No, no, no, no!

Hey, no work tonight, please!

Okay, so if I told you I had some
coke in my bag, could I tempt you?

Yeah, you could certainly tempt me.

I think that will be
a strange thing to do

to a recovering drug addict.

Drug addict, sounds exciting.

Really?

(deeply inhaling)

- What are you doing?
- What do you mean?

I don't know, I can't figure out if
you're trying to be cool or sexy,

or if you're just a massive tit.

I mean look at ya,
you're wearing stockings.

This isn'tMadmen.
It's a Wednesday night.

Your underwear probably costs more

than a mini break to Budapest.

Don't get me wrong, you look hot,

but Budapest is a beautiful city.

And as for this,
do you really think I care?

I stopped being impressed by
people taking drugs when I was 14.

Duncan Goodman got so high,

he starting seeing ghosts
in a kebab shop

and shat his Fred Perry jeans,

Yes, okay?

I did a lot of cocaine.
No, I don't do it anymore.

Now can we please move on,

before I take one of your
stupidly high heel shoes

and stab myself in the eye
just to stop your banter?

I'm sorry, that was
a little bit... I'll, uh...

- You have to come with me.
- What?

Hmm. Me, come with me now.

- Just get in there.
- Right, we're in here!

How you doing?

Ouch. Fucking hell.

- I want you to fuck me.
- Okay.

Do you want this

and this

and this?

Yeah, um,

why are you acting like you're

in a chocolate mousse advert?

Oh, I want you to destroy me!

Okay, I mean, that sounds great,

- but we're in a disabled toilet.
- I know.

Look, there's a bar on the wall for
people getting in and out wheelchairs.

- Wheelchairs.
- It's one of those pulley things

- for if you have an accident.
- Uh-huh.

Why don't you come back
to my nice, comfy flat?

- We'll stick some music on.
- Stick it on.

And then we could think about
destroying each other, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

♪♪ (upbeat dance music)

Oh my God, I wish I could
do this every fucking day!

Believe me, you don't!

Yes, I fucking do!

(sobbing)

I'm sorry, it's probably
the fucking drugs.

Shh.

I need another drink?

All right, I'll get you one.

Hey! Hey, get off her.

She's got two kids at home,
you little sleaze.

(vomits)

All right, all right, come on.

♪♪ (gentle ambient music)

(door opens)

- Come on.
- That's all right.

- I want popcorn.
- All right.

All right, come on.

Okay. Just...

- Shh.
- Hold on.

Come on.

Up.

- (vomiting)
- What the hell's going on?

She's feeling a little rough.

I can speak for myself!

I'm feeling a little rough.

Jesus, Ruth, what's wrong with you?

Oh, "F" off!

Oh, that's nice, that's really nice.

I am here every day,
I am looking after them.

- Mummy?
- Oh, hey, baby.

Hey, did Mum...

(vomits)

Is Mommy sick?

Mommy's just feeling
a little poorly, sweetheart.

Come on, let's get you back to bed.

I want Mummy.

Well, she's making silly noises.

I want Mommy.

I'm twenty-fucking-nine.

(vomits)

♪♪ (gentle upbeat music)

♪ It's been a year and a day ♪

♪ Since you fell
on the ground ♪

♪ Wish it never went
that way ♪

♪ Still hear your voice
inside of every sound ♪

♪ I don't know how to sleep ♪

♪ You'll forever be
a hole in me ♪

♪ You were not too keen ♪

♪ But you'll forever be
a part of me ♪

♪ Forever be a part of me ♪