Firefly Lane (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - I'm Coming Out - full transcript
Hey, Mularkey...
Paying a late-night visit
to the forbidden ice cream cave?
Don't judge.
How could I?
Mmm.
Why does ice cream
always taste better at 3:00 a.m.?
Maybe because it's bad for you
and you shouldn't be doing it.
How come you're up so late?
Does your hip hurt?
I could, you know, rub it.
Uh, yeah.
Sure. Thanks.
How's that? Is that too hard?
No. That's good.
It's so stiff.
So, how come you can't sleep?
I don't know.
I'm just having a hard time in general.
Yeah, me too.
I think...
I'm lonely.
I know we're in the same house, but...
I think I miss you, Mularkey.
I think I miss you too.
This could be a frustrating time
full of confusing urges.
As the male body matures,
increased blood flow to the penis
can lead to unwanted erections...
unwanted erections...
unwanted erections... unwanted erections...
There may be other unexpected events
such as nocturnal emissions,
otherwise known as wet dreams.
Wow, I, um, can't believe you're here.
I can't believe your hair.
Oh, I just thought, you know,
high school, short hair,
sophisticated.
- Also, I... I got lice, so I had to.
- You look like Velma from Scooby-Doo.
It's... it's actually a Dorothy Hamill.
It looks really good. I like it.
Thanks.
Uh, so why are you here?
I'm going to school.
Yeah, right,
but, like, is Cloud out of, you know?
You don't have to whisper
if you're not gonna say it.
But yeah, she's, uh, out of jail.
She turned over a whole new leaf.
She cooks and wears pantsuits
and reads the Bible.
She thinks she's Carol Brady.
I guess a lot can change in a year.
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh hey! You're the girl
Kate used to be friends with.
The one whose mom got arrested. Uh, Terry?
- Tully.
- Right!
Kate told me all about what happened.
So tragic.
I love your blouse.
I'm Lisa-Karen.
I like your haircut.
Thanks!
Kate and I got them together.
Like a best friend thing.
We should go.
We've got a filmstrip to load.
An A.V. Club President's work
is never done.
Just ask my VP.
Mularkey, stop the presses.
I got a scoop.
- We don't have presses. This is TV.
- What's going on?
- Oh.
- Here, babe. Oh, that's mine, actually...
Yeah.
So, I got a letter from this woman
who worked for Binswanger for 30 years.
"He's not fit to be Governor." Her words.
He's got secrets, big secrets,
and she's ready to spill.
That's huge.
- Whoa, seriously?
- I know. I feel like Lois Lane.
"Tully Hart brings down
Benedict Binswanger."
Easy, Lois. Binswanger's my beat.
- So? Finders keepers.
- I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.
He's right, actually.
Tacoma wants Danny to cover the election.
My source wants to speak to me.
She says so right there.
Oh. You can go together then.
- Sounds good!
- Oh, that is bullshit.
Go meet the source,
and if they're the real deal,
we'll send a camera crew,
and you can both do stand-ups,
but Danny's on lead.
Solid call, boss.
"Solid call, boss."
You're such a kiss ass.
Is that supposed to be me?
Was that your impersonation of me?
Like you're doing my voice?
- Hey.
- Hey.
What do you say
we hit the video store after work?
Maybe watch a movie in bed?
Or not... watch a movie in bed.
My parents are coming into town
for a matinee, Cats.
They're very excited.
Then my mom wanted to see
Sean, Julia, and the baby.
Then that turned into a huge dinner thing
that I somehow got roped into hosting.
Great! Mularkey family dinner! I'm in!
- What should I bring?
- Oh, no, you don't have to come.
I figured I'd save you the hassle.
Oh, no way.
I'm the boyfriend,
and this is prime boyfriend stuff.
Maybe I could pick up a...
It's just they... they don't really know
about us yet.
Oh, well, we can tell them tonight.
They'll be thrilled.
Yeah, it's just they're not exactly your...
biggest fans.
What are you talking about?
Your mom loves me.
I think she might even
have a little crush on me, actually.
Sort of. She does think
you are handsome and very charming.
She also thinks you're an international
sex maniac who broke Tully's heart.
Why would she think that?
Well, she knows that something happened
between you two,
and she's convinced that you dumped her
the second you got what you wanted.
I told her that's not how it was,
but she doesn't believe me
and she's really, really mad at you.
Wow. And Bud?
Does he think I'm a sex maniac?
No, he thinks you're a snob.
It's the accent.
He's got a thing about British people.
What... I'm not British. I'm Australian.
We're the opposite of posh.
Not helping your case.
Remember that time
you went to their barbecue
and he asked if you wanted
to watch the Seahawks game?
- You said you don't get American football?
- Yeah.
That was like two years ago.
He still talks about it.
Okay, this is insane.
I've had a lot of girlfriends,
and their parents always love me.
How many girlfriends?
I'm not giving up this easily, Mularkey.
All right? I'm gonna charm the pants
off Bud and Margie, metaphorically.
I know how important
your family is to you,
and therefore,
they're important to me too.
- All right. Yes. Yes.
- All right? Okay, great.
So, um, what do I have to do
to win them over?
Okay, for my dad, you can not go wrong
with beer, but nothing foreign or fancy.
- Right.
- And for my mom,
if she gets in an argument with anyone,
you take her side, no matter what.
She'll be putty in your hands.
I can do that.
- This is gonna be fun.
- It's not going to be fun.
Just you wait and see.
By the end of the night,
we're gonna be one big, happy family.
What do you think you're doing?
- Nothing. I'm just doing some laundry.
- You were reading Marah's emails.
I was not.
They are instant messages...
...and I didn't mean to.
It made a sound, so I glanced over.
Oh, you glanced over.
Wait a second.
Does this say what I think it says?
What are you guys doing?
Are you snooping?
- No.
- She was.
You used to hate it
when Mom did stuff like that.
Did you wash my blue sweater?
You living here doesn't mean
I'll do all of your laundry.
I'm not actually Mom. But yes.
Okay, now come take a look.
- I'm not reading her private messages...
- I did your laundry. You owe me.
Uh...
We should not be doing this.
Oh. Wow.
- Did you know Marah was gay?
- She might not be gay...
It says right here she's in love
with her friend Ashley.
Yeah, but maybe she means it
in, like, a friends way.
"When I'm with her,
all I want to do is kiss her,
but I'm afraid to tell her the truth."
Okay.
Maybe she's a little bit gay.
It all makes sense.
She plays field hockey.
She... she... she played with her Barbies
way longer than all of her friends.
- This is why.
- Oh, okay, okay.
She might be gay. She might be bi.
She might be trying to figure it out.
- So what do we do?
- Really?
You want advice from a middle-aged gay man
who's yet to come out to his parents?
Mom and Dad think I'm staying here
because Julia and I "hit a rough patch."
They have no idea what's going on.
You could tell them. They love you.
They love the idea of me,
the successful husband and father.
They don't know the real me.
I don't even know the real me.
- I'm barely out of the closet.
- Okay, we have to do better for Marah.
- I'm gonna talk to her.
- No, we've... we've violated her privacy.
- Yeah, not on purpose.
- No, no, he's right.
All you can do right now
is just let her know subtly
that you guys are a safe space.
You know,
coming out is super hard and scary.
Let her come to you when she's ready.
It's Marah.
- She's coming to us.
- Okay, just... just...
Marah. Hi. What's up?
Yeah. No, I'm just, you know,
here doing laundry all by myself.
Yes. Yeah. I'm totally cool with that.
I will come and pick you up right now.
I'm on my way. I love you.
- Remember, subtle.
- Be cool.
Don't worry.
I got this.
I don't think she's got this.
No.
♪ I went to the doctor ♪
♪ I went to the mountains ♪
♪ I look to the children ♪
♪ I drank from the fountains ♪
Oh, I love this song. Just came on.
God, I haven't heard it in years.
Do you know the Indigo Girls?
I guess.
Oh, they're so great.
You know, one of them is gay,
and one of them is straight,
and they just accept each other.
I don't think either of them are straight.
Oh, yeah. No. You're right.
I totally knew that.
They're a couple, right?
Two lesbians just living and loving
and making music together.
It's beautiful.
Why are you acting so weird?
No, I...
What did Tully tell you?
You talked to Tully about this?
Yeah, because she gets it.
Well, I get it, Marah.
I mean, I'm... I'm hip.
I'm liberal. I have a gay brother.
And, you know, I've had the occasional...
crush on a woman.
I mean, I saw this one movie,
Gia with Angelina Jolie, and I...
I mean, I felt some things.
Oh my God, gross.
Look.
The point is,
I just want you to know that I'm here,
and you can talk to me about anything.
♪ Closer I am to fine, yeah ♪
Guess whose mom
set him up on a hot date?
Hey.
- What're you talking about?
- Do you remember my friend Nancy?
Her daughter Susan?
You two were in choir together at church.
- There were a lot of Susans.
- Redhead, big gap in her teeth.
- Yeah, I guess I remember her.
- Well, she just got her braces off.
And she is stunning and sweet,
and Nancy says
that she still talks about you.
So we thought,
maybe you could take her out tonight.
- I already got plans with Robbie.
- What? You see Robbie all the time.
Uh, Mom,
I don't need you to get me girls. Okay?
You seen my Tiger Beat
with Shaun Cassidy on the cover?
Don't they all
have Shaun Cassidy on the cover?
I'll keep my eyes peeled.
Oh, I heard that Tully and her mom
just moved back here.
I thought maybe
we could have them over for dinner.
Ugh. No.
What? Why? You two were such good friends.
Yeah, were, as in past tense.
Why can't they be more specific?
The recipe says to add a cup.
Which cup is a cup?
Well, bigger is better.
- What is that? A science experiment?
- No. It's special cheesy potatoes.
I got the recipe
from The Ladies Home Journal.
Since when are there ladies in this house?
Look, when I was in prison,
I swore that if I got
another chance with you,
I would become one of those moms
who is, like, on a... a cereal box.
A mom who smiles and does housework
and goes to church and bakes things.
A good, clean, happy mom.
Please.
So when am I gonna see ol' Kim-er-oo?
Well, her name is still Kate,
and try "never."
- Why not? Did something happen?
- If it did, I wouldn't tell you.
Well, you can talk to me
whenever you're ready. I'm here.
Stop being creepy.
"Add salt to taste." What does that mean?
Nope.
Bigger is better.
Mmm!
♪ Ooh, my little pretty one
Pretty one, pretty one ♪
♪ When you gonna give me some ♪
- ♪ Time, Sharona? ♪
- ♪ Time, Sharona? ♪
- Hey. You're here early.
- A good boyfriend's never late.
Now, I got American beer for your dad.
I boned up on the Seahawks,
and will be
nonchalantly working in the fact
that Australia was founded
as a British penal colony.
- The opposite of posh.
- Mmm, don't say "posh."
Good point.
Okay. What can I do?
Uh, nothing. Play gets out in an hour.
All we have to do is set the table
and get dressed.
Oh. Okay.
Or we could... get undressed.
Mmm.
- I like the way you think, Johnny Ryan.
- Yeah?
Why don't we start with you?
What do you mean?
Strip for me, big man.
- Me?
- Uh-huh.
Yep. Oh.
Woo!
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, ooh.
♪ When you gonna give it to me
Give it to me ♪
♪ Is it just a matter of time, Sharona? ♪
♪ Is it d-d-destiny? ♪
Oh yeah.
♪ Or it just a game in my mind, Sharona? ♪
Oh, the things I'm gonna do to you.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Oh my God!
Uh, we'll... we'll come back later, Kate.
I told you we shouldn't have left
before intermission. Okay.
- Sorry!
- This won't be... One minute.
Mm-hmm!
- Shit... Shit... Motherfucking shit.
- Oh my God.
This is awkward.
- Awkward? She's, like, a minute late.
- No. I meant us working together.
This can't be easy for you
seeing me every day.
Now, if it's any consolation,
I meant what I said.
I just can't be the man you deserve.
Oh, for fuck's sake. No one's hurt.
I have zero interest in you.
If you say so.
Besides, you're the one
who can't stop thinking about that night.
Just trying to be sensitive.
Sensitive people don't have to try.
See? This is what would happen
if we were together.
It's a disaster.
I'm a rogue, Tully.
You're not a rogue.
You're just an ordinary dick.
You didn't think
it was ordinary that night.
Too bad it's attached to your personality.
Oh, "Too bad it's attached..." Mmm.
Tully Hart?
Is he with you?
Yeah, unfortunately.
Thank you for meeting me.
Thank you for telling me your story.
Please sit.
Tell me about Benedict Binswanger.
Take notes.
He was my employer for 30 years.
I cleaned his house. I heard his secrets.
He's an awful man.
He injured workers,
and he would just cover it up.
Pay them off.
He bribed politicians.
He sent his own brother away.
There was blackmail, hush money,
and a child out of wedlock.
Would you be willing
to be interviewed on camera?
That's why I came to you, Tully,
because, oh, I trust you.
I met you when you were just a baby.
Let me in!
I'm sorry, miss, they're not here.
You were so darling, so small.
I gave you a chocolate.
What?
What Benedict did to your mother
was terrible.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I wanted to help, but I didn't know how.
You knew my mother?
Well, this is what I'm trying to tell you!
The Binswangers, they're bad people.
They're not to be trusted.
I had to leave when they started replacing
all the furniture with exact replicas.
Wait.
What?
Daisy! There you are. You know you're not
allowed to leave without a nurse.
I hope she wasn't bothering you.
Oh my God,
you really are Tully Hart from KPOC!
I told you I was seeing her today!
Last week she said
she was meeting Michael J. Fox.
The week before that, Bryant Gumble.
He bought me ice cream.
Come on, we have to get back.
It's almost time for Wheel of Fortune.
Sometimes Vanna White
sends me messages through the puzzles.
Mmm.
Tell your mother I'm sorry, Tallulah.
Yeah.
I hope we gave you two plenty of time
to finish your, um...
whatever that was you were doing.
Mom!
Come on!
Ah, I think it's time for a beer.
Bud, can I get you one?
- Thought you'd never ask.
- Okay.
So, about what you saw earlier...
Oh no.
I get it.
After Tully, he moved on to you.
That is not what is happening.
Um, we're dating, and it's actually...
...it's getting pretty serious.
Well, I just don't want him to use you
the way he did Tully.
He didn't use Tully.
It's none of my business. You're an adult.
Obviously.
My favorite beer.
They make that right here in America. Hey?
A Bud for a Bud.
That's original.
Been getting that joke since high school.
Have you?
So...
...what down is it?
- Third and 27. Just got a holding penalty.
- Great.
Great? Just got hit with a bullshit call,
took us out of the Red Zone.
Uh... Oh, the Red Zone.
That's... That's bullshit. Come on!
Did you know Mad Max is Australian?
I got it.
- Hey! Here they are.
- Hi! Sorry, we're late.
- Luca got fussy. Say hi!
- Hi! How are you?
- Come here, big guy!
- How was the show?
Some fruity guy dressed as a cat
tried to give me a lap dance,
but that wasn't the worst show
we saw today, was it?
Tully, Tully's mom.
I would like you to close your eyes
and picture the future.
The future of media and entertainment,
the Internet.
The non-compete clause
in your contract doesn't cover the web.
Therefore, you can do whatever you want.
Now, they call it a domain name
because, girl,
you are queen of this domain.
But I was on television.
There were big lights,
and audiences and commercials.
Millions of people watched me every day.
And now they can visit your site
and read your blog.
You want me to blog?
- I blog.
- You blog?
It's 2004. Of course I blog.
I post videos on astrology.
This one has...
12 hits.
This week, Mars squares Uranus.
Mars is action, aggression,
but also your sex drive.
This transit can give you
the courage to break free,
rebel against authority,
rebel against convention.
Wilson King has you in a cage.
But he can't touch you here,
and it is the future.
Think about it.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I should've knocked.
That's all right.
We were married 15 years, Kate. It's fine.
Totally.
Sorry.
Okay.
Mmm.
Go! Go!
We're under attack! Medic!
Hey!
Hey!
Johnny, are you okay?
Oh my God, what happened?
Just... Just my hip. Pushed it too hard
in physical therapy this morning.
Here.
- Thanks.
- Here.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
I could use a little privacy.
Oh, sorry. Yeah. Okay.
Just let me know
if you need anything, okay?
Yeah.
You okay?
You barely berated me the entire ride.
I don't berate. I banter.
I didn't say I don't enjoy it.
I can't believe that Binswanger lead
turned out to be a bust.
I know.
When she started talking,
I thought, "This can make our careers."
How about when she said
she met me as a baby?
So creepy.
- I totally thought...
- I... Me too!
- I believed her for a second.
- Okay, yeah.
- I mean, it seemed weirdly logical.
- Oof.
Like, I never met my dad,
so, of course, it's him.
Of course. I'm a Binswanger.
I can definitely see it though
with the right...
I guess about as likely
as the Marlboro Man.
The Marlboro Man?
I used to fantasize
that the Marlboro Man was my dad.
I would cut out his picture
from magazines and stuff.
That is adorable.
Shut up.
Little Tully and the Marlboro Man!
- I know it's stupid.
- No.
He just always seemed so manly,
mysterious, and dependable.
You thought the Marlboro Man
was dependable?
He was on billboards and in magazines.
I always knew where to find him.
You really didn't need
to walk me to my door.
Oh, I'm nothing if not a gentleman.
Don't think I'm inviting you in.
- Oh, hey, Tully.
- Hi!
- Nice to see ya. Whoa, whoa!
- You too.
Hey, aren't you...
aren't you Dan the Sports Man for KDUG?
Well, I'm actually at KPOC now, reporting.
Oh, that's great!
You were one of my favorites.
No one covered
the Warren Moon fiasco like you.
Oh!
Hey, wanna come in for a beer?
- I would love to! So nice.
- Hey, Johnny! Johnny!
- Hey, Bud...
- Grab us a couple beers, pal.
And some more pretzels. Hey, come on.
I can't even believe it.
Live in person.
Oh yeah, isn't this great?
- I'm not a hologram.
- Yeah, I know.
- All right.
- Mmm.
Yeah, you gotta tell me straight up.
The Hawks make the playoffs this year?
I hate to break your heart, Bud.
Heaven forbid.
Yeah.
- Excuse me, Johnny.
- Hmm?
- Oh! Sorry, Margie!
- Mm-hmm.
Danny's a nice boy and handsome.
He would definitely agree with you.
And he appreciates a family dinner.
You know what that means.
He's too lazy to cook for himself?
It's good to meet a man
who's on your level.
I agree with Margie.
A lot of chemistry between you two, Tully.
Yes, it would be convenient for you
if she moved on.
So this is going well.
- I need another beer.
- Mmm.
Hiya!
Hi, tickles.
So, you're dating Dan the Sports Man?
Hell no.
I mean, he's okay in bed.
And not entirely
unfortunate looking, right?
I mean, what's your expert opinion?
Uh, my expert opinion is
that you should find a man and settle down
so our kids can play together.
Ugh.
No, I'm serious, Tully.
It's life-changing.
Everything makes sense now.
This is exactly what
I was waiting all those years to find.
Oh!
It's feisty, funny,
and totally unpredictable.
The Girlfriend Hour,
with new hosts
Brooks Banack and Bambi Lane!
Hi!
It's Tully Hart,
your old girl from... Agh! Shit.
Hi.
It's your old girlfriend, Tully Hart.
Welcome to my website.
I miss you all so much, but I just want
you to know, I'm doing great.
I'm doing great.
I am doing great.
Okay.
That is bullshit.
My agent wants me to do
something upbeat for the website
about "New Beginnings" or whatever, but...
...ugh, I feel like when
my hippie mom tried to be Carol Brady.
She wore the polyester pantsuits,
she did the baking,
but it didn't work.
Because it was a lie.
So instead, I'm gonna tell the truth.
I'm pissed off. I am really pissed off.
Oh, I know,
women aren't supposed to be angry.
Hurt or sad, sure.
But angry? Oof.
Better hide it. Better lock that up.
But I am angry
with the man who is suing me.
He took my show, he took my voice.
So I'm taking it back.
I know I'm just screaming
into the abyss right now, but...
...I will not be silenced.
But I won't be silenced.
If he thinks...
If he thinks he can just lock me away
in some dark tower
like a helpless princess...
please.
I'm the queen.
No matter how dark it gets,
I always find my light.
Oh, I think I finally see
the light at the end of the tunnel.
My physical therapist
says I'm an A student.
Already driving again.
I've never been so grateful
to sit in downtown Seattle gridlock.
We are just so glad that you're okay.
- You gave us a real scare, pal.
- Oh.
Yeah, well, basically good as new.
Mmm.
You know who isn't good as new?
Julia.
I... I bumped into her in town last week,
and she looked awful.
No makeup. No bra.
Huh.
She's depressed.
When are you gonna move back home?
Subtle, Grandma.
Well...
Uh...
You know, I don't think
she wants me to move back in.
Of course she does.
You're just having a midlife crisis.
Mom. Can we please not?
Johnny had his midlife crisis in Iraq,
but he realized his mistake
and he came back to Kate.
- Yep.
- Mom, really, we don't...
Yeah, that's not quite how that happened.
Yeah, this is just a temporary arrangement
while I recover.
We're still very much divorced.
But of course,
we'll always be a family.
- Do you even have a plan?
- Now leave the kid alone. He's fine.
- He can't live in Kate's basement forever.
- Yeah.
I like having Uncle Sean around.
Of course you do, sweetie,
but he belongs with his wife and kids.
Someday when you have a boyfriend...
She can have whatever kind of friend
that she wants to have.
Oh my God, Mom, you're so embarrassing.
Why's everyone
jumping down my throat?
- I just want Sean to be happy.
- Sean is happy.
Your generation is too self-involved.
You don't understand about sacrificing
in the moment to build something bigger.
That's not what this is.
I'm gay.
I've always been gay.
I had a boyfriend before Julia.
His name was Richard.
I loved him,
and he died, and I got scared,
and then I got married.
And I don't regret any of it,
but I cannot do this anymore.
And I've been so afraid to tell you,
but there it is.
Sean's gay.
But you... you love sports.
So you are having a... a midlife crisis.
- Mom!
- It's not a crisis, Mom.
It's just me.
What is...
- You all knew about this?
- Well, I didn't.
And you kept it from... from me?
I... I... I love gay people.
- I... I watch, um, Will & Grace every week.
- Yeah, she does.
Oh God. Is that how I sound?
Yeah, pretty much.
I need a minute.
Sean...
Sean?
Are you going through my stuff?
I... I was just making your bed.
There's, um...
There's... There's an ad in here
for, uh, an amp I wanted to buy.
Okay.
I'll go on that date with, um...
What's her name?
Susan.
Yeah, her.
Uh...
Mom, I...
I'm gonna make
your favorite dinner tonight,
chicken à la king.
- How'd he do?
- Out like a light.
I always knew Sean
would be a wonderful dad.
Mmm.
You brought home a good one here too.
Oh, we're not dating.
Oh? You better lock her down, Danny.
- She's a catch.
- Bud! Get with the '80s.
What?
Tully doesn't need to get married.
She has a career.
Yeah, screw marriage.
- She could do both.
- Exactly. She could do both.
A woman needs a man
like a fish needs a bicycle.
I saw that on a bumper sticker.
Hear, hear, well said,
marriage is an outdated concept.
Basically just a way for men
to act like they own women.
Who needs that?
You don't believe in marriage?
Hell no! I'm with you, Marge.
Margie.
Margie. Yeah. No, I'm...
Never saw the point in getting married.
Wait, like, never?
Why should we involve the government
in our relationships?
I mean, the whole thing
is antiquated and sexist.
Plus, I mean, come on,
do you know anyone who's happily married?
I don't.
Um...
No, I mean, obviously you are all happy.
Um...
I just... I just sort of meant,
you know, just generally...
I could use another beer.
Anyone else? No?
All right.
So let me guess.
Your views on marriage
are more European, Johnny?
I, um...
I love your daughter very much.
I just never saw myself
as someone's husband.
I think we get it.
Yeah.
Do you have anything besides Budweiser?
Apparently not.
Well, that was a shitshow.
Yeah.
Poor Kate. I hope she's okay.
Ah, they'll work it out.
On the upside,
I won't forget Bud's rendition
of "Memory" anytime soon.
- He is a character.
- Yeah.
You didn't have to walk me to my car.
I am nothing if not a gentlewoman.
Look, I get it.
You're hoping
that I ask you to come home with me.
- And it's probably a big mistake...
- Danny...
...but you know what?
Fuck it.
Let's do it.
You were right back there in the park.
I've never met anybody like you.
I can't stop thinking about you.
You're just saying that
to get me back in bed.
Yes.
And because it's true.
That's my date.
- Hey, Tully!
- Hey!
Catch you later, Sports Man.
Oh, I guess they suffered through
the beer after all.
It's a tough crowd, huh?
Impossible.
So that whole thing
about not believing in marriage?
Went over
about as well as New Coke.
You were just agreeing with my mom, right?
Like I suggested?
I mean...
I wasn't lying.
Wait, so you never want to get married?
I've just...
I mean, my parents were miserable,
and most married people
seem more resentful than in love.
Not sure why I'd want to sign up.
What about Sean and Julia? They're happy.
Don't you get the sense they're
just pedaling as fast as they can?
They have a lot on their plate.
I just never understood
why people need a contract
to tell them exactly how the rest
of their lives are gonna play out.
Isn't it better to make up our own rules?
We don't need to talk about this.
I mean, I wasn't even thinking
about marriage.
I love you,
and this is not about you,
or us, or our future.
Yeah, no, I get it.
Are you okay?
Are we okay?
Yeah.
I'm just tired.
I, uh, think I'm gonna go to bed.
Are you ready to have some fun?
Whoo-hoo! Cheesy potatoes!
Let's get crazy.
I want you to take this
to the McGillicuddy's.
What? No! Why?
They sent this casserole dish
a thousand years ago.
We can't return it empty.
- I'm not going over there.
- Fine!
Then I will go over there,
and I'll tell Kate how much you miss her.
Wait, you actually said her name right.
It's a sign from God.
Ah, schnitzel!
Ooh! That smarts. That's what it is.
Hmm.
- Okay.
- Have fun.
Tully!
Hi. Uh, I'm returning this dish.
It's cheesy potatoes.
Wow, that's lovely.
And it doesn't have wheat in it
or anything.
Oh! Good to know.
- Kate, you have a visitor!
- No, no, you don't have to.
- I was just gonna drop this off and then...
- No!
- Let's see.
- ...leave.
Ooh!
Hey. Uh...
What are you... What are you doing here?
Potato errand.
Oh.
I just remembered
I have to go upstairs now.
Oh God, she's so embarrassing.
Well, she's better than Cloud.
She says "schnitzel"
instead of "shit" now.
So basically,
every other word is "schnitzel."
Uh...
So, uh...
- How are you doing?
- Great. How are you?
Great!
Um, I really like A.V. Club, and, um...
You know,
I could sponsor you to join, if you want.
Um, it'd be like
a provisional member thing
because it's mid-semester
and Lisa-Karen's a stickler for the rules.
- But...
- Yeah, I bet she is.
- Well, what's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing. She seems super fun.
She's my friend, okay?
And... And you don't need to be rude.
I was just trying to be nice.
- Nice people don't have to try.
- What are you saying? I'm not nice?
I don't know.
Where were you this entire year?
No calls, no letters...
You told me not to write you.
You said our friendship was over.
- I didn't mean that! I was just mad.
- How was I supposed to know that?
- How could you not know that?
- I don't know! All I know is...
is that it was the worst thing
that anyone has ever said to me, ever.
And you did nothing wrong.
I'm just a terrible person,
and you're the innocent victim, right?
- You're twisting my words, Tully.
- Oh my God.
Would you stop screaming and just admit
that you miss each other already?
So stupid.
Shut up.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah. Right. Okay. You two keep fighting.
I don't care. I have a date.
Is that why you're wearing
an entire bottle of cologne?
Shut up.
You still smell like farts.
God.
He's so full of shit.
So you don't miss me?
- Do you miss me?
- Duh.
- Even though you're, like, a total bitch.
- Um, you're the bitch, bitch.
Well, that's why we're best friends.
We're both bitches.
- So...
- Mm-mm.
What do you say we, uh,
brave these cheesy potatoes?
Mmm.
I'm scared.
- We'll do it together.
- Mmm. Okay.
Oh wow.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Oh, wow.
- Mmm!
- That's the best thing I've ever tasted.
- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Are you sure there's no drugs in these?
Hmm. Well, maybe we'll get lucky.
Mmm. Wow.
You okay?
Yes, Mularkey. I'm fine.
Thought that was kind of beautiful
just now, Sean coming out.
It would have been
if your family weren't so dysfunctional.
That's a bit unfair.
I mean, they're trying.
I thought we were
letting Marah come to us.
It's like you don't care that we agree.
You just do what you want.
What? That's not true.
Sure. Well, I guess I'm making it up.
Johnny, what is going on with you lately?
You just seem so...
I'm worried.
That's not your job anymore.
We're not married.
- You don't have to worry about me.
- Yeah, well, I still do.
Maybe you should go talk to somebody.
Jesus Christ, Mularkey.
I don't need you
to diagnose me. All right?
Is it not enough that I'm here tonight,
spending time with your family?
What are you talking about?
I thought you wanted
to have dinner with us.
You know what?
I'm gonna get out of here.
- Johnny, wait.
- Please, just back off. All right?
There's pasta if you're hungry.
I don't have much of an appetite.
I'm sorry you felt like
you had to lie to everyone.
That's how you see it?
A lie?
I don't know how I see it, Sean.
I never really knew my own son.
It's not my fault
that I couldn't come to you.
I wanted to.
I really needed you.
As a teenager, and when Richard died...
You could have come to me!
If I'd known,
I... I would have supported you.
You knew.
You knew.
You just didn't want to admit it.
Sean...
Hey.
Grandma and Grandpa
are waiting in the car.
They said they can drop me off
at the sleepover.
Oh. Over at Ashley's?
It's just the two of you or...
Mom, there's gonna be
like five other girls there.
Right, of course.
Well, I hope you know
that if you ever want
to talk to me about anything,
or, you know, just go
to an Indigo Girls concert together...
I know, Mom. Thanks.
But I am never ever watching
an Angelina Jolie movie with you again.
It's a deal.
I love you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Well...
at least she doesn't "hate me" hate me.
I think she just, like, regular hates me.
She loves you. You're doing good.
I know that dinner had to have been hard.
I'm just surprised how angry I am.
Also relieved.
And I'm kind of disappointed.
I know it's silly, but I had this fantasy
that when I told them...
I don't know, they'd hug me and...
tell me they were proud of me.
I'm proud of you.
I can't believe six whole people
know that I'm gay.
- We should celebrate.
- That sounds ominous.
I'm serious. We should go bar-hopping.
We should go gay bar-hopping.
Yeah, except I don't know
any Seattle gay bars, like, at all.
That's no problem.
You wanna know who does?
I'm so glad you guys called me!
Sean! They're checking you out.
I don't think it's me
they're interested in.
"If he thinks he can lock me up in some
dark tower like a helpless princess..."
"Please!"
"I am the queen!"
Wait, you saw that?
My cousin sent me the link.
I've already emailed it
to everyone I know.
It was fantastic.
I've watched it, like, 25 times.
Oh my God!
Oh my God! Justine was right.
I am the future of media.
What's she talking about?
Cloud helped me upload
a video to the Internet.
Cloud did what?
I didn't think anyone was gonna see it,
but I guess they did!
"No matter how dark it gets,
I always find my light."
Hell yes, you do.
Let me buy you a drink, sir,
and have you met my friend Sean?
- Hey. Uh, Sean.
- Hi.
Hasselbeck under pressure...
His teammates won't let him forget
that he's not the leading sacker
on this team.
You sure you want another?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Hasselbeck's a joke.
Everyone in this damn bar knows it.
Wow, he was so nice.
- Really nice.
- Yeah.
And he gave me his number,
so I guess I'm officially a stud.
Yay!
- Mmm.
- Mmm!
Let's dance!
Okay, we'll dance.
♪ Finally, it has happened to me ♪
♪ Right in front of my face
And I just can not hide it ♪
♪ Finally, it has happened to me ♪
♪ Right in front of my face
My feelings can't describe it ♪
♪ Finally, it has happened to me ♪
Hasselbeck's got to go, man!
He heard you already.
We all did.
Excuse me?
Nobody here gives a shit
about your football commentary.
Lighten up, British boy.
I'm Australian.
So you go fuck yourself.
You wanna say that again?
Go...
fuck...
yourself.
What?
Oh, are you gonna punch me?
As if you have the balls.
Was that a punch?
Or you trying to give me a reach-around?
Paying a late-night visit
to the forbidden ice cream cave?
Don't judge.
How could I?
Mmm.
Why does ice cream
always taste better at 3:00 a.m.?
Maybe because it's bad for you
and you shouldn't be doing it.
How come you're up so late?
Does your hip hurt?
I could, you know, rub it.
Uh, yeah.
Sure. Thanks.
How's that? Is that too hard?
No. That's good.
It's so stiff.
So, how come you can't sleep?
I don't know.
I'm just having a hard time in general.
Yeah, me too.
I think...
I'm lonely.
I know we're in the same house, but...
I think I miss you, Mularkey.
I think I miss you too.
This could be a frustrating time
full of confusing urges.
As the male body matures,
increased blood flow to the penis
can lead to unwanted erections...
unwanted erections...
unwanted erections... unwanted erections...
There may be other unexpected events
such as nocturnal emissions,
otherwise known as wet dreams.
Wow, I, um, can't believe you're here.
I can't believe your hair.
Oh, I just thought, you know,
high school, short hair,
sophisticated.
- Also, I... I got lice, so I had to.
- You look like Velma from Scooby-Doo.
It's... it's actually a Dorothy Hamill.
It looks really good. I like it.
Thanks.
Uh, so why are you here?
I'm going to school.
Yeah, right,
but, like, is Cloud out of, you know?
You don't have to whisper
if you're not gonna say it.
But yeah, she's, uh, out of jail.
She turned over a whole new leaf.
She cooks and wears pantsuits
and reads the Bible.
She thinks she's Carol Brady.
I guess a lot can change in a year.
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh hey! You're the girl
Kate used to be friends with.
The one whose mom got arrested. Uh, Terry?
- Tully.
- Right!
Kate told me all about what happened.
So tragic.
I love your blouse.
I'm Lisa-Karen.
I like your haircut.
Thanks!
Kate and I got them together.
Like a best friend thing.
We should go.
We've got a filmstrip to load.
An A.V. Club President's work
is never done.
Just ask my VP.
Mularkey, stop the presses.
I got a scoop.
- We don't have presses. This is TV.
- What's going on?
- Oh.
- Here, babe. Oh, that's mine, actually...
Yeah.
So, I got a letter from this woman
who worked for Binswanger for 30 years.
"He's not fit to be Governor." Her words.
He's got secrets, big secrets,
and she's ready to spill.
That's huge.
- Whoa, seriously?
- I know. I feel like Lois Lane.
"Tully Hart brings down
Benedict Binswanger."
Easy, Lois. Binswanger's my beat.
- So? Finders keepers.
- I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.
He's right, actually.
Tacoma wants Danny to cover the election.
My source wants to speak to me.
She says so right there.
Oh. You can go together then.
- Sounds good!
- Oh, that is bullshit.
Go meet the source,
and if they're the real deal,
we'll send a camera crew,
and you can both do stand-ups,
but Danny's on lead.
Solid call, boss.
"Solid call, boss."
You're such a kiss ass.
Is that supposed to be me?
Was that your impersonation of me?
Like you're doing my voice?
- Hey.
- Hey.
What do you say
we hit the video store after work?
Maybe watch a movie in bed?
Or not... watch a movie in bed.
My parents are coming into town
for a matinee, Cats.
They're very excited.
Then my mom wanted to see
Sean, Julia, and the baby.
Then that turned into a huge dinner thing
that I somehow got roped into hosting.
Great! Mularkey family dinner! I'm in!
- What should I bring?
- Oh, no, you don't have to come.
I figured I'd save you the hassle.
Oh, no way.
I'm the boyfriend,
and this is prime boyfriend stuff.
Maybe I could pick up a...
It's just they... they don't really know
about us yet.
Oh, well, we can tell them tonight.
They'll be thrilled.
Yeah, it's just they're not exactly your...
biggest fans.
What are you talking about?
Your mom loves me.
I think she might even
have a little crush on me, actually.
Sort of. She does think
you are handsome and very charming.
She also thinks you're an international
sex maniac who broke Tully's heart.
Why would she think that?
Well, she knows that something happened
between you two,
and she's convinced that you dumped her
the second you got what you wanted.
I told her that's not how it was,
but she doesn't believe me
and she's really, really mad at you.
Wow. And Bud?
Does he think I'm a sex maniac?
No, he thinks you're a snob.
It's the accent.
He's got a thing about British people.
What... I'm not British. I'm Australian.
We're the opposite of posh.
Not helping your case.
Remember that time
you went to their barbecue
and he asked if you wanted
to watch the Seahawks game?
- You said you don't get American football?
- Yeah.
That was like two years ago.
He still talks about it.
Okay, this is insane.
I've had a lot of girlfriends,
and their parents always love me.
How many girlfriends?
I'm not giving up this easily, Mularkey.
All right? I'm gonna charm the pants
off Bud and Margie, metaphorically.
I know how important
your family is to you,
and therefore,
they're important to me too.
- All right. Yes. Yes.
- All right? Okay, great.
So, um, what do I have to do
to win them over?
Okay, for my dad, you can not go wrong
with beer, but nothing foreign or fancy.
- Right.
- And for my mom,
if she gets in an argument with anyone,
you take her side, no matter what.
She'll be putty in your hands.
I can do that.
- This is gonna be fun.
- It's not going to be fun.
Just you wait and see.
By the end of the night,
we're gonna be one big, happy family.
What do you think you're doing?
- Nothing. I'm just doing some laundry.
- You were reading Marah's emails.
I was not.
They are instant messages...
...and I didn't mean to.
It made a sound, so I glanced over.
Oh, you glanced over.
Wait a second.
Does this say what I think it says?
What are you guys doing?
Are you snooping?
- No.
- She was.
You used to hate it
when Mom did stuff like that.
Did you wash my blue sweater?
You living here doesn't mean
I'll do all of your laundry.
I'm not actually Mom. But yes.
Okay, now come take a look.
- I'm not reading her private messages...
- I did your laundry. You owe me.
Uh...
We should not be doing this.
Oh. Wow.
- Did you know Marah was gay?
- She might not be gay...
It says right here she's in love
with her friend Ashley.
Yeah, but maybe she means it
in, like, a friends way.
"When I'm with her,
all I want to do is kiss her,
but I'm afraid to tell her the truth."
Okay.
Maybe she's a little bit gay.
It all makes sense.
She plays field hockey.
She... she... she played with her Barbies
way longer than all of her friends.
- This is why.
- Oh, okay, okay.
She might be gay. She might be bi.
She might be trying to figure it out.
- So what do we do?
- Really?
You want advice from a middle-aged gay man
who's yet to come out to his parents?
Mom and Dad think I'm staying here
because Julia and I "hit a rough patch."
They have no idea what's going on.
You could tell them. They love you.
They love the idea of me,
the successful husband and father.
They don't know the real me.
I don't even know the real me.
- I'm barely out of the closet.
- Okay, we have to do better for Marah.
- I'm gonna talk to her.
- No, we've... we've violated her privacy.
- Yeah, not on purpose.
- No, no, he's right.
All you can do right now
is just let her know subtly
that you guys are a safe space.
You know,
coming out is super hard and scary.
Let her come to you when she's ready.
It's Marah.
- She's coming to us.
- Okay, just... just...
Marah. Hi. What's up?
Yeah. No, I'm just, you know,
here doing laundry all by myself.
Yes. Yeah. I'm totally cool with that.
I will come and pick you up right now.
I'm on my way. I love you.
- Remember, subtle.
- Be cool.
Don't worry.
I got this.
I don't think she's got this.
No.
♪ I went to the doctor ♪
♪ I went to the mountains ♪
♪ I look to the children ♪
♪ I drank from the fountains ♪
Oh, I love this song. Just came on.
God, I haven't heard it in years.
Do you know the Indigo Girls?
I guess.
Oh, they're so great.
You know, one of them is gay,
and one of them is straight,
and they just accept each other.
I don't think either of them are straight.
Oh, yeah. No. You're right.
I totally knew that.
They're a couple, right?
Two lesbians just living and loving
and making music together.
It's beautiful.
Why are you acting so weird?
No, I...
What did Tully tell you?
You talked to Tully about this?
Yeah, because she gets it.
Well, I get it, Marah.
I mean, I'm... I'm hip.
I'm liberal. I have a gay brother.
And, you know, I've had the occasional...
crush on a woman.
I mean, I saw this one movie,
Gia with Angelina Jolie, and I...
I mean, I felt some things.
Oh my God, gross.
Look.
The point is,
I just want you to know that I'm here,
and you can talk to me about anything.
♪ Closer I am to fine, yeah ♪
Guess whose mom
set him up on a hot date?
Hey.
- What're you talking about?
- Do you remember my friend Nancy?
Her daughter Susan?
You two were in choir together at church.
- There were a lot of Susans.
- Redhead, big gap in her teeth.
- Yeah, I guess I remember her.
- Well, she just got her braces off.
And she is stunning and sweet,
and Nancy says
that she still talks about you.
So we thought,
maybe you could take her out tonight.
- I already got plans with Robbie.
- What? You see Robbie all the time.
Uh, Mom,
I don't need you to get me girls. Okay?
You seen my Tiger Beat
with Shaun Cassidy on the cover?
Don't they all
have Shaun Cassidy on the cover?
I'll keep my eyes peeled.
Oh, I heard that Tully and her mom
just moved back here.
I thought maybe
we could have them over for dinner.
Ugh. No.
What? Why? You two were such good friends.
Yeah, were, as in past tense.
Why can't they be more specific?
The recipe says to add a cup.
Which cup is a cup?
Well, bigger is better.
- What is that? A science experiment?
- No. It's special cheesy potatoes.
I got the recipe
from The Ladies Home Journal.
Since when are there ladies in this house?
Look, when I was in prison,
I swore that if I got
another chance with you,
I would become one of those moms
who is, like, on a... a cereal box.
A mom who smiles and does housework
and goes to church and bakes things.
A good, clean, happy mom.
Please.
So when am I gonna see ol' Kim-er-oo?
Well, her name is still Kate,
and try "never."
- Why not? Did something happen?
- If it did, I wouldn't tell you.
Well, you can talk to me
whenever you're ready. I'm here.
Stop being creepy.
"Add salt to taste." What does that mean?
Nope.
Bigger is better.
Mmm!
♪ Ooh, my little pretty one
Pretty one, pretty one ♪
♪ When you gonna give me some ♪
- ♪ Time, Sharona? ♪
- ♪ Time, Sharona? ♪
- Hey. You're here early.
- A good boyfriend's never late.
Now, I got American beer for your dad.
I boned up on the Seahawks,
and will be
nonchalantly working in the fact
that Australia was founded
as a British penal colony.
- The opposite of posh.
- Mmm, don't say "posh."
Good point.
Okay. What can I do?
Uh, nothing. Play gets out in an hour.
All we have to do is set the table
and get dressed.
Oh. Okay.
Or we could... get undressed.
Mmm.
- I like the way you think, Johnny Ryan.
- Yeah?
Why don't we start with you?
What do you mean?
Strip for me, big man.
- Me?
- Uh-huh.
Yep. Oh.
Woo!
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, ooh.
♪ When you gonna give it to me
Give it to me ♪
♪ Is it just a matter of time, Sharona? ♪
♪ Is it d-d-destiny? ♪
Oh yeah.
♪ Or it just a game in my mind, Sharona? ♪
Oh, the things I'm gonna do to you.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Oh my God!
Uh, we'll... we'll come back later, Kate.
I told you we shouldn't have left
before intermission. Okay.
- Sorry!
- This won't be... One minute.
Mm-hmm!
- Shit... Shit... Motherfucking shit.
- Oh my God.
This is awkward.
- Awkward? She's, like, a minute late.
- No. I meant us working together.
This can't be easy for you
seeing me every day.
Now, if it's any consolation,
I meant what I said.
I just can't be the man you deserve.
Oh, for fuck's sake. No one's hurt.
I have zero interest in you.
If you say so.
Besides, you're the one
who can't stop thinking about that night.
Just trying to be sensitive.
Sensitive people don't have to try.
See? This is what would happen
if we were together.
It's a disaster.
I'm a rogue, Tully.
You're not a rogue.
You're just an ordinary dick.
You didn't think
it was ordinary that night.
Too bad it's attached to your personality.
Oh, "Too bad it's attached..." Mmm.
Tully Hart?
Is he with you?
Yeah, unfortunately.
Thank you for meeting me.
Thank you for telling me your story.
Please sit.
Tell me about Benedict Binswanger.
Take notes.
He was my employer for 30 years.
I cleaned his house. I heard his secrets.
He's an awful man.
He injured workers,
and he would just cover it up.
Pay them off.
He bribed politicians.
He sent his own brother away.
There was blackmail, hush money,
and a child out of wedlock.
Would you be willing
to be interviewed on camera?
That's why I came to you, Tully,
because, oh, I trust you.
I met you when you were just a baby.
Let me in!
I'm sorry, miss, they're not here.
You were so darling, so small.
I gave you a chocolate.
What?
What Benedict did to your mother
was terrible.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I wanted to help, but I didn't know how.
You knew my mother?
Well, this is what I'm trying to tell you!
The Binswangers, they're bad people.
They're not to be trusted.
I had to leave when they started replacing
all the furniture with exact replicas.
Wait.
What?
Daisy! There you are. You know you're not
allowed to leave without a nurse.
I hope she wasn't bothering you.
Oh my God,
you really are Tully Hart from KPOC!
I told you I was seeing her today!
Last week she said
she was meeting Michael J. Fox.
The week before that, Bryant Gumble.
He bought me ice cream.
Come on, we have to get back.
It's almost time for Wheel of Fortune.
Sometimes Vanna White
sends me messages through the puzzles.
Mmm.
Tell your mother I'm sorry, Tallulah.
Yeah.
I hope we gave you two plenty of time
to finish your, um...
whatever that was you were doing.
Mom!
Come on!
Ah, I think it's time for a beer.
Bud, can I get you one?
- Thought you'd never ask.
- Okay.
So, about what you saw earlier...
Oh no.
I get it.
After Tully, he moved on to you.
That is not what is happening.
Um, we're dating, and it's actually...
...it's getting pretty serious.
Well, I just don't want him to use you
the way he did Tully.
He didn't use Tully.
It's none of my business. You're an adult.
Obviously.
My favorite beer.
They make that right here in America. Hey?
A Bud for a Bud.
That's original.
Been getting that joke since high school.
Have you?
So...
...what down is it?
- Third and 27. Just got a holding penalty.
- Great.
Great? Just got hit with a bullshit call,
took us out of the Red Zone.
Uh... Oh, the Red Zone.
That's... That's bullshit. Come on!
Did you know Mad Max is Australian?
I got it.
- Hey! Here they are.
- Hi! Sorry, we're late.
- Luca got fussy. Say hi!
- Hi! How are you?
- Come here, big guy!
- How was the show?
Some fruity guy dressed as a cat
tried to give me a lap dance,
but that wasn't the worst show
we saw today, was it?
Tully, Tully's mom.
I would like you to close your eyes
and picture the future.
The future of media and entertainment,
the Internet.
The non-compete clause
in your contract doesn't cover the web.
Therefore, you can do whatever you want.
Now, they call it a domain name
because, girl,
you are queen of this domain.
But I was on television.
There were big lights,
and audiences and commercials.
Millions of people watched me every day.
And now they can visit your site
and read your blog.
You want me to blog?
- I blog.
- You blog?
It's 2004. Of course I blog.
I post videos on astrology.
This one has...
12 hits.
This week, Mars squares Uranus.
Mars is action, aggression,
but also your sex drive.
This transit can give you
the courage to break free,
rebel against authority,
rebel against convention.
Wilson King has you in a cage.
But he can't touch you here,
and it is the future.
Think about it.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I should've knocked.
That's all right.
We were married 15 years, Kate. It's fine.
Totally.
Sorry.
Okay.
Mmm.
Go! Go!
We're under attack! Medic!
Hey!
Hey!
Johnny, are you okay?
Oh my God, what happened?
Just... Just my hip. Pushed it too hard
in physical therapy this morning.
Here.
- Thanks.
- Here.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
I could use a little privacy.
Oh, sorry. Yeah. Okay.
Just let me know
if you need anything, okay?
Yeah.
You okay?
You barely berated me the entire ride.
I don't berate. I banter.
I didn't say I don't enjoy it.
I can't believe that Binswanger lead
turned out to be a bust.
I know.
When she started talking,
I thought, "This can make our careers."
How about when she said
she met me as a baby?
So creepy.
- I totally thought...
- I... Me too!
- I believed her for a second.
- Okay, yeah.
- I mean, it seemed weirdly logical.
- Oof.
Like, I never met my dad,
so, of course, it's him.
Of course. I'm a Binswanger.
I can definitely see it though
with the right...
I guess about as likely
as the Marlboro Man.
The Marlboro Man?
I used to fantasize
that the Marlboro Man was my dad.
I would cut out his picture
from magazines and stuff.
That is adorable.
Shut up.
Little Tully and the Marlboro Man!
- I know it's stupid.
- No.
He just always seemed so manly,
mysterious, and dependable.
You thought the Marlboro Man
was dependable?
He was on billboards and in magazines.
I always knew where to find him.
You really didn't need
to walk me to my door.
Oh, I'm nothing if not a gentleman.
Don't think I'm inviting you in.
- Oh, hey, Tully.
- Hi!
- Nice to see ya. Whoa, whoa!
- You too.
Hey, aren't you...
aren't you Dan the Sports Man for KDUG?
Well, I'm actually at KPOC now, reporting.
Oh, that's great!
You were one of my favorites.
No one covered
the Warren Moon fiasco like you.
Oh!
Hey, wanna come in for a beer?
- I would love to! So nice.
- Hey, Johnny! Johnny!
- Hey, Bud...
- Grab us a couple beers, pal.
And some more pretzels. Hey, come on.
I can't even believe it.
Live in person.
Oh yeah, isn't this great?
- I'm not a hologram.
- Yeah, I know.
- All right.
- Mmm.
Yeah, you gotta tell me straight up.
The Hawks make the playoffs this year?
I hate to break your heart, Bud.
Heaven forbid.
Yeah.
- Excuse me, Johnny.
- Hmm?
- Oh! Sorry, Margie!
- Mm-hmm.
Danny's a nice boy and handsome.
He would definitely agree with you.
And he appreciates a family dinner.
You know what that means.
He's too lazy to cook for himself?
It's good to meet a man
who's on your level.
I agree with Margie.
A lot of chemistry between you two, Tully.
Yes, it would be convenient for you
if she moved on.
So this is going well.
- I need another beer.
- Mmm.
Hiya!
Hi, tickles.
So, you're dating Dan the Sports Man?
Hell no.
I mean, he's okay in bed.
And not entirely
unfortunate looking, right?
I mean, what's your expert opinion?
Uh, my expert opinion is
that you should find a man and settle down
so our kids can play together.
Ugh.
No, I'm serious, Tully.
It's life-changing.
Everything makes sense now.
This is exactly what
I was waiting all those years to find.
Oh!
It's feisty, funny,
and totally unpredictable.
The Girlfriend Hour,
with new hosts
Brooks Banack and Bambi Lane!
Hi!
It's Tully Hart,
your old girl from... Agh! Shit.
Hi.
It's your old girlfriend, Tully Hart.
Welcome to my website.
I miss you all so much, but I just want
you to know, I'm doing great.
I'm doing great.
I am doing great.
Okay.
That is bullshit.
My agent wants me to do
something upbeat for the website
about "New Beginnings" or whatever, but...
...ugh, I feel like when
my hippie mom tried to be Carol Brady.
She wore the polyester pantsuits,
she did the baking,
but it didn't work.
Because it was a lie.
So instead, I'm gonna tell the truth.
I'm pissed off. I am really pissed off.
Oh, I know,
women aren't supposed to be angry.
Hurt or sad, sure.
But angry? Oof.
Better hide it. Better lock that up.
But I am angry
with the man who is suing me.
He took my show, he took my voice.
So I'm taking it back.
I know I'm just screaming
into the abyss right now, but...
...I will not be silenced.
But I won't be silenced.
If he thinks...
If he thinks he can just lock me away
in some dark tower
like a helpless princess...
please.
I'm the queen.
No matter how dark it gets,
I always find my light.
Oh, I think I finally see
the light at the end of the tunnel.
My physical therapist
says I'm an A student.
Already driving again.
I've never been so grateful
to sit in downtown Seattle gridlock.
We are just so glad that you're okay.
- You gave us a real scare, pal.
- Oh.
Yeah, well, basically good as new.
Mmm.
You know who isn't good as new?
Julia.
I... I bumped into her in town last week,
and she looked awful.
No makeup. No bra.
Huh.
She's depressed.
When are you gonna move back home?
Subtle, Grandma.
Well...
Uh...
You know, I don't think
she wants me to move back in.
Of course she does.
You're just having a midlife crisis.
Mom. Can we please not?
Johnny had his midlife crisis in Iraq,
but he realized his mistake
and he came back to Kate.
- Yep.
- Mom, really, we don't...
Yeah, that's not quite how that happened.
Yeah, this is just a temporary arrangement
while I recover.
We're still very much divorced.
But of course,
we'll always be a family.
- Do you even have a plan?
- Now leave the kid alone. He's fine.
- He can't live in Kate's basement forever.
- Yeah.
I like having Uncle Sean around.
Of course you do, sweetie,
but he belongs with his wife and kids.
Someday when you have a boyfriend...
She can have whatever kind of friend
that she wants to have.
Oh my God, Mom, you're so embarrassing.
Why's everyone
jumping down my throat?
- I just want Sean to be happy.
- Sean is happy.
Your generation is too self-involved.
You don't understand about sacrificing
in the moment to build something bigger.
That's not what this is.
I'm gay.
I've always been gay.
I had a boyfriend before Julia.
His name was Richard.
I loved him,
and he died, and I got scared,
and then I got married.
And I don't regret any of it,
but I cannot do this anymore.
And I've been so afraid to tell you,
but there it is.
Sean's gay.
But you... you love sports.
So you are having a... a midlife crisis.
- Mom!
- It's not a crisis, Mom.
It's just me.
What is...
- You all knew about this?
- Well, I didn't.
And you kept it from... from me?
I... I... I love gay people.
- I... I watch, um, Will & Grace every week.
- Yeah, she does.
Oh God. Is that how I sound?
Yeah, pretty much.
I need a minute.
Sean...
Sean?
Are you going through my stuff?
I... I was just making your bed.
There's, um...
There's... There's an ad in here
for, uh, an amp I wanted to buy.
Okay.
I'll go on that date with, um...
What's her name?
Susan.
Yeah, her.
Uh...
Mom, I...
I'm gonna make
your favorite dinner tonight,
chicken à la king.
- How'd he do?
- Out like a light.
I always knew Sean
would be a wonderful dad.
Mmm.
You brought home a good one here too.
Oh, we're not dating.
Oh? You better lock her down, Danny.
- She's a catch.
- Bud! Get with the '80s.
What?
Tully doesn't need to get married.
She has a career.
Yeah, screw marriage.
- She could do both.
- Exactly. She could do both.
A woman needs a man
like a fish needs a bicycle.
I saw that on a bumper sticker.
Hear, hear, well said,
marriage is an outdated concept.
Basically just a way for men
to act like they own women.
Who needs that?
You don't believe in marriage?
Hell no! I'm with you, Marge.
Margie.
Margie. Yeah. No, I'm...
Never saw the point in getting married.
Wait, like, never?
Why should we involve the government
in our relationships?
I mean, the whole thing
is antiquated and sexist.
Plus, I mean, come on,
do you know anyone who's happily married?
I don't.
Um...
No, I mean, obviously you are all happy.
Um...
I just... I just sort of meant,
you know, just generally...
I could use another beer.
Anyone else? No?
All right.
So let me guess.
Your views on marriage
are more European, Johnny?
I, um...
I love your daughter very much.
I just never saw myself
as someone's husband.
I think we get it.
Yeah.
Do you have anything besides Budweiser?
Apparently not.
Well, that was a shitshow.
Yeah.
Poor Kate. I hope she's okay.
Ah, they'll work it out.
On the upside,
I won't forget Bud's rendition
of "Memory" anytime soon.
- He is a character.
- Yeah.
You didn't have to walk me to my car.
I am nothing if not a gentlewoman.
Look, I get it.
You're hoping
that I ask you to come home with me.
- And it's probably a big mistake...
- Danny...
...but you know what?
Fuck it.
Let's do it.
You were right back there in the park.
I've never met anybody like you.
I can't stop thinking about you.
You're just saying that
to get me back in bed.
Yes.
And because it's true.
That's my date.
- Hey, Tully!
- Hey!
Catch you later, Sports Man.
Oh, I guess they suffered through
the beer after all.
It's a tough crowd, huh?
Impossible.
So that whole thing
about not believing in marriage?
Went over
about as well as New Coke.
You were just agreeing with my mom, right?
Like I suggested?
I mean...
I wasn't lying.
Wait, so you never want to get married?
I've just...
I mean, my parents were miserable,
and most married people
seem more resentful than in love.
Not sure why I'd want to sign up.
What about Sean and Julia? They're happy.
Don't you get the sense they're
just pedaling as fast as they can?
They have a lot on their plate.
I just never understood
why people need a contract
to tell them exactly how the rest
of their lives are gonna play out.
Isn't it better to make up our own rules?
We don't need to talk about this.
I mean, I wasn't even thinking
about marriage.
I love you,
and this is not about you,
or us, or our future.
Yeah, no, I get it.
Are you okay?
Are we okay?
Yeah.
I'm just tired.
I, uh, think I'm gonna go to bed.
Are you ready to have some fun?
Whoo-hoo! Cheesy potatoes!
Let's get crazy.
I want you to take this
to the McGillicuddy's.
What? No! Why?
They sent this casserole dish
a thousand years ago.
We can't return it empty.
- I'm not going over there.
- Fine!
Then I will go over there,
and I'll tell Kate how much you miss her.
Wait, you actually said her name right.
It's a sign from God.
Ah, schnitzel!
Ooh! That smarts. That's what it is.
Hmm.
- Okay.
- Have fun.
Tully!
Hi. Uh, I'm returning this dish.
It's cheesy potatoes.
Wow, that's lovely.
And it doesn't have wheat in it
or anything.
Oh! Good to know.
- Kate, you have a visitor!
- No, no, you don't have to.
- I was just gonna drop this off and then...
- No!
- Let's see.
- ...leave.
Ooh!
Hey. Uh...
What are you... What are you doing here?
Potato errand.
Oh.
I just remembered
I have to go upstairs now.
Oh God, she's so embarrassing.
Well, she's better than Cloud.
She says "schnitzel"
instead of "shit" now.
So basically,
every other word is "schnitzel."
Uh...
So, uh...
- How are you doing?
- Great. How are you?
Great!
Um, I really like A.V. Club, and, um...
You know,
I could sponsor you to join, if you want.
Um, it'd be like
a provisional member thing
because it's mid-semester
and Lisa-Karen's a stickler for the rules.
- But...
- Yeah, I bet she is.
- Well, what's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing. She seems super fun.
She's my friend, okay?
And... And you don't need to be rude.
I was just trying to be nice.
- Nice people don't have to try.
- What are you saying? I'm not nice?
I don't know.
Where were you this entire year?
No calls, no letters...
You told me not to write you.
You said our friendship was over.
- I didn't mean that! I was just mad.
- How was I supposed to know that?
- How could you not know that?
- I don't know! All I know is...
is that it was the worst thing
that anyone has ever said to me, ever.
And you did nothing wrong.
I'm just a terrible person,
and you're the innocent victim, right?
- You're twisting my words, Tully.
- Oh my God.
Would you stop screaming and just admit
that you miss each other already?
So stupid.
Shut up.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah. Right. Okay. You two keep fighting.
I don't care. I have a date.
Is that why you're wearing
an entire bottle of cologne?
Shut up.
You still smell like farts.
God.
He's so full of shit.
So you don't miss me?
- Do you miss me?
- Duh.
- Even though you're, like, a total bitch.
- Um, you're the bitch, bitch.
Well, that's why we're best friends.
We're both bitches.
- So...
- Mm-mm.
What do you say we, uh,
brave these cheesy potatoes?
Mmm.
I'm scared.
- We'll do it together.
- Mmm. Okay.
Oh wow.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Oh, wow.
- Mmm!
- That's the best thing I've ever tasted.
- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Are you sure there's no drugs in these?
Hmm. Well, maybe we'll get lucky.
Mmm. Wow.
You okay?
Yes, Mularkey. I'm fine.
Thought that was kind of beautiful
just now, Sean coming out.
It would have been
if your family weren't so dysfunctional.
That's a bit unfair.
I mean, they're trying.
I thought we were
letting Marah come to us.
It's like you don't care that we agree.
You just do what you want.
What? That's not true.
Sure. Well, I guess I'm making it up.
Johnny, what is going on with you lately?
You just seem so...
I'm worried.
That's not your job anymore.
We're not married.
- You don't have to worry about me.
- Yeah, well, I still do.
Maybe you should go talk to somebody.
Jesus Christ, Mularkey.
I don't need you
to diagnose me. All right?
Is it not enough that I'm here tonight,
spending time with your family?
What are you talking about?
I thought you wanted
to have dinner with us.
You know what?
I'm gonna get out of here.
- Johnny, wait.
- Please, just back off. All right?
There's pasta if you're hungry.
I don't have much of an appetite.
I'm sorry you felt like
you had to lie to everyone.
That's how you see it?
A lie?
I don't know how I see it, Sean.
I never really knew my own son.
It's not my fault
that I couldn't come to you.
I wanted to.
I really needed you.
As a teenager, and when Richard died...
You could have come to me!
If I'd known,
I... I would have supported you.
You knew.
You knew.
You just didn't want to admit it.
Sean...
Hey.
Grandma and Grandpa
are waiting in the car.
They said they can drop me off
at the sleepover.
Oh. Over at Ashley's?
It's just the two of you or...
Mom, there's gonna be
like five other girls there.
Right, of course.
Well, I hope you know
that if you ever want
to talk to me about anything,
or, you know, just go
to an Indigo Girls concert together...
I know, Mom. Thanks.
But I am never ever watching
an Angelina Jolie movie with you again.
It's a deal.
I love you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Well...
at least she doesn't "hate me" hate me.
I think she just, like, regular hates me.
She loves you. You're doing good.
I know that dinner had to have been hard.
I'm just surprised how angry I am.
Also relieved.
And I'm kind of disappointed.
I know it's silly, but I had this fantasy
that when I told them...
I don't know, they'd hug me and...
tell me they were proud of me.
I'm proud of you.
I can't believe six whole people
know that I'm gay.
- We should celebrate.
- That sounds ominous.
I'm serious. We should go bar-hopping.
We should go gay bar-hopping.
Yeah, except I don't know
any Seattle gay bars, like, at all.
That's no problem.
You wanna know who does?
I'm so glad you guys called me!
Sean! They're checking you out.
I don't think it's me
they're interested in.
"If he thinks he can lock me up in some
dark tower like a helpless princess..."
"Please!"
"I am the queen!"
Wait, you saw that?
My cousin sent me the link.
I've already emailed it
to everyone I know.
It was fantastic.
I've watched it, like, 25 times.
Oh my God!
Oh my God! Justine was right.
I am the future of media.
What's she talking about?
Cloud helped me upload
a video to the Internet.
Cloud did what?
I didn't think anyone was gonna see it,
but I guess they did!
"No matter how dark it gets,
I always find my light."
Hell yes, you do.
Let me buy you a drink, sir,
and have you met my friend Sean?
- Hey. Uh, Sean.
- Hi.
Hasselbeck under pressure...
His teammates won't let him forget
that he's not the leading sacker
on this team.
You sure you want another?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Hasselbeck's a joke.
Everyone in this damn bar knows it.
Wow, he was so nice.
- Really nice.
- Yeah.
And he gave me his number,
so I guess I'm officially a stud.
Yay!
- Mmm.
- Mmm!
Let's dance!
Okay, we'll dance.
♪ Finally, it has happened to me ♪
♪ Right in front of my face
And I just can not hide it ♪
♪ Finally, it has happened to me ♪
♪ Right in front of my face
My feelings can't describe it ♪
♪ Finally, it has happened to me ♪
Hasselbeck's got to go, man!
He heard you already.
We all did.
Excuse me?
Nobody here gives a shit
about your football commentary.
Lighten up, British boy.
I'm Australian.
So you go fuck yourself.
You wanna say that again?
Go...
fuck...
yourself.
What?
Oh, are you gonna punch me?
As if you have the balls.
Was that a punch?
Or you trying to give me a reach-around?