Final Space (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Chapter One - full transcript

♪♪
♪♪
HUE: The outcome was never
in our favor, Gary.
Gary:
Cut it to me straight, HUE.
What are my chances of
getting out of this mess?
In your current state,
you will pass the point
of recovery in 10 minutes.
You are also leaking O2,
Gary.
Huh, look at that.
They went with green
for a red alert.
I mean, I would have
went with red,
a periwinkle.
Heck, I mean, even egg nog.
I don't even know
if that's a color,
but, oh, good Lord,
now I just want egg nog.
The rate of the leak
will render you lifeless
in nine minutes.
You are really buttering me
up with fantastic news.
I'm afraid, Gary,
there is no foreseeable
outcome where you survive.
These tickets suck --
right in the nosebleeds.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[ Lights powering on ]
[ Beeping ]
Aah!
HUE:
Good morning, Gary.
Day 1,818.
How about freakin' no?
[ Grunts ]
That was a bit harder
than normal, HUE!
♪♪
[ Electricity crackling ]
♪♪
Hello, dear friend.
It's been a while.
[ Footsteps ]
Hey! Yes!
What's up, Hank?
[ Electricity crackles ]
Hmm, yeah.
Beth is looking good today.
Look at that.
Staring at me
with those hot eyes.
You, me...later.
Cards, Hank?
You want to play?
I need somebody
to play with.
So it's gonna be you.
Aah!
I'm starting to run
out of decks, Hank.
[ Laughing ]
Hey, Gary! Hello!
Ooh, cookie, yummy!
Ha!
-HUE?
-Yes, Gary?
Can I have a cookie?
Mm, no, Gary.
Why not?
You opened it for KVN.
That sack of wet turds
can't even eat cookies!
He just smashes it
into his processor slot.
I hate KVN...
so painfully.
He's the blight
of my life.
If you take a cookie,
I will be forced to add
one full day to your sentence.
[ Laughs ]
[ Both laughing ]
You think a full day
scares the captain?
Gary, I've explained
this to you every day
for the past five years.
You are not the captain.
You are a prisoner
aboard this ship.
Sounds vaguely familiar.
Now, open this cabinet.
Oh, they're just
so-o-o-o good!
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
[ Grunts ]
Aaaah!
One day has been added
to your sentence.
Oh! I touched one!
The captain's touched one!
Captain's log 80085.
Hey, Quinn! Guess who!
It's me, Gary, again.
Quinn, I've thought on it,
and I've decided that
since this is a big day,
the day of our anniversary,
as you know,
it's time to get real.
Quinn, this --
this is the real raw Gary.
It's been eating me up inside
keeping the real
raw Gary from you.
For five years,
real raw Gary hasn't been able
to get you out
of his mind fortress.
When I met you that day,
I knew you were it.
Give us what's ours, Gary!
Technically, it's mine!
Dr. Bluesteen and Derek!
-Lose some weight!
Come on, Derek, keep up!
They gave me a seltzer?
Why would they give me a
seltzer...unless I ordered it.
Did I order it?
Yes, I did!
I'm gonna break
your knees, Gary!
[ Sighs ]
[ Heavenly music plays ]
Sweet heavenly fire.
Who is the muy bueno
super spicy lady?
Captain Quinn Aragon.
But don't bother.
If you're not Infinity Guard,
she's not interested.
Actually, I'm pretty freaking
high up in the command chain.
-Really?
-Yeah, really.
Seriously?
Seriously, I can't get any
closer to your face, dude.
Then where's
your uniform, bud?
I have one, guy.
-No, you don't, pal.
-Yes, I do, chum!
It's...in the bathroom.
Crap!
-[ Whistling ]
-Shwa!
Looking good, Gary!
You're just gonna
leave him in there,
you chuck -- you chuck-face!
Oh, sweet aspirin.
Three dratnoids, exact change!
Tight!
[ Clinks, beeps ]
Swallow!
You're a good guy, Gary.
Now to be smooth as --
Uh! Uh!
Hmm-hmm-hmm.
First time
I got a girl's number
before
I even said "Hey."
You see, I like that.
I like a girl
with a lot of phones.
Actually, this is the solution
to an internal inconsistency
in Planck's constant
that's never been solved
because until now, no one
realized it was a problem.
And speaking of problems,
maybe you should leave
before you become one --
as in now.
Or I could
buy you a drink.
-Really?
-Let's get wild.
How about you
buy me a drink?
Wow.
I mean, no. But wow.
All Infinity Guards,
report back to base
immediately.
-Let's go!
-Back to your place?
You're moving
at cheetah speeds.
I like it.
You have
an F71 Hawk to fly, pilot.
Oh, my crap.
Move this Hawk, pilot.
You can do this, Gary.
Become a much
smarter person now.
Oh, my double crap!
[ Explosion! ]
You're not a pilot,
are you?
-Yes, I am.
-Punch!
[ Bang! Clink! ]
Gary: Lesson learned.
If you ever want to piss
off a whole government,
just take out 92 star cruisers
and a small family-owned
Mexican restaurant.
Sorry, Guadalupe.
Hyuh!
-Wah!
-[ Laughing ]
Hey, Gary.
My name is KVN.
I'm your deep space insanity
avoidance companion.
Nice to meet you.
-I already hate you.
The good news is that
I only have a week left
to my sentence aboard
this pathetic rat's nest.
And send! She's gonna
respond this time, HUE.
HUE: There is a high
probability she will not.
But there's still a low
probability she will.
I'll take it!
Ha ha ha ha!
Nailed it!
HUE: There are still arrays
that need to be repaired.
Get off my cheeks, HUE.
-Get off my cheeks, Gary.
Gary:
1891-C is back online.
HUE...by any chance,
is it still Thursday?
It's been Thursday
for the last 72 hours.
Sweet.
Then it's still on.
My name is Eduardo Montoya
Talakinto Ta Lacara Poligia.
You killed my father.
Prepare to die.
Gary,
your break is over.
But the guy who killed Eduardo
Talakinto Tala Pacia's father
hasn't prepared to die yet!
Dang, there's a --
there's a pixel on the loose.
-Whoo!
-Oh!
It's an alien on my face!
It's an alien on my --
it's a face alien!
Aaaahh!
Oh. You're not a face-eater,
you're a face-hugger.
Chocli.
I need a face-hugger
in my life.
Whoa!
You remind me of a friend
I used to have a long time ago.
♪♪
How do you like
the name Mooncake?
Whoa!
[ Chuckles ]
Mooncake it is.
I'm pumped -- super-excited.
You don't by chance
speak real words, do you?
-Chocli-pop.
-Ha! Works for me.
[ Grunts ]
Welcome.
[ Laughs evilly ]
[ Laughing ]
You're so tiny, man!
What -- oh!
Wait until the guys
hear about this.
Sit.
[ Creaking ]
[ Whimpering ]
Where is it?!
-What?!
-E-351.
I -- I don't know.
I would never lie to you,
Lord Commander.
[ Laughs ]
You know, it's just --
I'm sorry,
you're just so small!
It's -- it's...
Wah!
Where did you find it?
I didn't.
It found me.
The less HUE --
who, between us,
is a bit of a dick --
knows about you, the better.
Okay, let's get you in here.
You ready?
-Chocli!
Chocli, chocli!
-Please close.
Okay, it's not fitting.
It's not working.
I hide there sometimes.
I'm like a mattress ghost.
Don't tell anyone.
-Ooh.
Oh, perfect!
Per-- no, it's not perfect.
That sucks.
Why does that suck so hard?!
Okay, how about this?
Sometimes I hide --
I like to hide from myself
by putting underwear on
the circumference of my head.
How about that?
How's it fit?
-Chocli.
-Perfect.
[ Groaning ]
Please...just...
kill...me!
Wouldn't think of it.
That would be rude.
Eat.
[ Growls ]
[ Crunching ]
HUE, what is going on?
Why has the ship turned
into a silent dance rave?
HUE:
Four unknown vessels
are descending
upon our location.
The markings lead me
to believe
they are Ventrexian
bounty hunters.
Twist my nipples rough, we're
talking complex life-forms.
Yes! HUE, you must find out
if they play cards.
I need this!
I need this, HUE!
I -- I really need
somebody to play with.
♪♪
Activating
security protocol.
HUE, what the crap?!
For your own safety,
you must remain
in the commissary.
For my own safety?
We get our first
visitors in five years,
and I can't mingle with them?
HUE, open this door right now!
I need to mingle!
I'm afraid I cannot.
You better afraid me
up an open door!
-Ooh, let KVN help!
-God almighty, KVN!
You can't just phantom
up on me like that!
Don't worry about me,
I am helping.
Oh, oh. KVN, you did
something right!
Ohh!
KVN, you processed
horrendous mess of wires!
Lord Commander: Your vessel
has been subjected
to a search
for specimen E-351.
Come forward...or die.
Oh, crap.
♪♪
My arm, man!
Aaahh!
You fool!
Who the freak is this guy?
I believe they want
the alien
you're hiding
in your backpack.
What? I don't know
what you're referring to.
This is what I was meant to do!
I have never felt so alive!
Oh! You mean
my underpants caddy.
Yes. We should comply
with their wishes, Gary.
I don't know.
I kind of was starting
to like this little guy.
He gives great hugs.
Gary, we are not equipped
to face this threat.
-Good job, Avocato.
-This is not our fight.
HUE, we make it our fight.
You're Infinity Guard.
Your whole motto
is to protect life.
Is that life, Gary?
Well, if it isn't, then I'm
a raging sack of walnuts!
HUE, lightfold the ship!
This will lengthen
your sentence.
I get it.
Lightfold the ship, HUE!
Gary.
Do it!
They're lightfolding!
[ All yelling ]
[ Alarm blaring ]
♪♪
Proximity alert.
Proximity alert.
Is that what I think it is?
HUE, that's no good.
Get us out of here.
Lightfold again,
lightfold, lightfold!
We are immobilized
until the lightfold
engines cool.
The asteroids will reach
the ship in 29 seconds.
Secure your helmet
immediately.
My helmet's in the airlock.
Run.
15 seconds until impact.
At your current pace,
you will not make it.
Oh, Gary will make it.
Hey, Gary,
sorry, got a minute?
Yeah, I've been
thinking about...
[ Groans ]
Hyah!
Gary, two seconds.
You're gonna live!
You're gonna live!
Sweet Grandor's glove!
Definitely gonna die this time!
HUE: Gary, you may
have a problem.
I seriously question
your usage of "may have."
I think we have reached have.
I am very deep in have!
Due to
the moon's gravity,
the asteroid field will swing
back to the Galaxy 1
and then at you in
approximately 39 seconds.
That's no good, HUE.
Formulate me up
some solutions.
Calculating. Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Mnh-mnh.
Ahh.
Gary, I do have a solution
with a 33% chance
of success.
Okay, and that would be?
Perform an emergency air
blow-out of your O2 tanks.
If you can enter
the moon's orbit,
you might be able to
sling-hook around it
back to the Galaxy 1.
All right. All right,
let's do this.
Gary, you should know,
this calculation
will only work with you.
You will have to leave
the life-form behind.
Mooncake?
Or there is
zero probability
you will make it back
to the Galaxy 1 alive.
I get it.
I'll scream at you.
Mooncake is coming with.
You will never
make it, Gary.
Your only chance is to perform
this maneuver alone.
HUE, your lack of confidence
is positively depressing!
Blowing the air tank
in three...
Gary, please.
-Two...
-You will fail.
You're right.
I will fail...upwards.
♪♪
Entering
into moon's orbit.
Oh, no!
It's not working.
At your current
rate of velocity,
you will not make it
back to the Galaxy 1.
♪♪
You have failed, Gary.
♪♪
The asteroids will make
impact in five seconds.
Four...
Three...
[ Beeping, steady beep ]
Two...
One.
♪♪
[ Chitters ]
It worked!
[ Laughing ]
HUE!
And you said I could die!
Ha!
You were dead --
for five minutes.
Are you for serious?
I believe the life-form
saved your life.
-Mooncake?
-Chocli, chocli.
Thank you for saving my life.
Wow.
I am detecting one unknown
life-form still aboard.
He is armed.
-What deck?
4A. Sames
are already on route.
♪♪
Hand over E-351.
Listen, buddy, I only have
one thing to say to you.
Do you play cards?
I'm gonna take that
as a yes!
-Freeze!
-Oh, good Lord!
Oh, my gosh.
Just don't walk up on
somebody like that, Hank!
I'm gonna crap my pants.
I thought you were a baby ghost
or a ghost baby or something
in between the ghost
baby spectrum.
-Freeze!
-Aagh!
Gary:
Freakin' crap, Hank!
Isn't this great?
I mean, just us guys
sitting here,
chillin', playin' cards.
[ Mumbling ]
You really know how to
sling the zingers, cat guy.
The name's Avocato.
No.
The name is loser!
Eat it!
Four of a kind!
You're oblivious
to this thing, aren't you?
-What?
-That.
-This?
-Yes! That.
-Mooncake?
-What's a Mooncake?
-This!
-That?
Yes, that.
Please tell me
you didn't name E-351.
-What's an E-3559?
-That.
-This?
-Yes, freakin' that!
I suppose I did.
You don't know
what that is, do you?
That is a planet-killer.
[ Laughing ]
Are you hearing this?
Freakin' guy thinks Mooncake
is a planet-killer!
What a freakin' --
oh, man!
[ Laughing ]
Shut your face hole,
KVN! Crap.
So you think
this is funny?
I'm serious.
-Are you?
Yes. The Lord Commander
is searching
the galaxy for it.
You can't hide.
Wherever you go, he'll find you.
Why should I believe you,
Mr. Whiskers?
Call me that again,
and I'll kill you.
Mm-hmm. I've insulted you.
You see, the truth is,
I've never socialized
with a cat man before.
My neighbor had a cat.
Loved to lick himself.
You're not gonna do that,
right?
Otherwise, we're gonna
have problems, friend.
I'm not a cat,
I'm a Ventrexian.
Got it. See, I'm
a Presbyterian myself.
But I love all people.
Just how I was raised.
-We're in danger.
Listen, all of us
are in danger!
Mooncake, look into
Gary's gelatinous marbles.
As long as I draw breath
and you provide me
with copious amounts
of adventure,
I will be there for you.
We're a team now.
And I'll let you
be my sidekick and such
with a super
side order of what-not.
HUE: Well said.
[ Dings ]
A cookie -- for me?!
Yes, Gary. Take one.
You displayed a quality
I hadn't seen in you
previously --
courage. Exemplary.
You earned it.
And because
I am the captain.
Cookie withdrawn.
Aah!
The penitent man
shall pass.
Ohh!
I got one!
Sweet Grandor's glove,
I got
a mother-loving cookie!
Gary:
This is a cookie, Quinn.
HUE said I earned it
because I did things, Quinn.
Dangerous things.
Cookie-earning things.
Now to eat the fruits
of my greatness.
-Mine!
-What? No!
KVN! Oh, KVN!
Gary? Gary? Gary?!
Gary? Gary. Gary!
Gary, are you sleeping?
Wah-pa!
Oh, okay. We're good.
Don't mind me.
I'm -- I'm just
floating this way.
This is the way
I like to go.
Bye! This was my plan.
That's my path.
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
Lord Commander:
All the pieces are in place.
Let's play a little.