Felicity (1998–2002): Season 1, Episode 6 - Cheating - full transcript

I'M BLAIR! PREVIOUSLY
ON "FELICITY"...

NO, NO, IT'S OKAY. I DON'T
WANT TO RUIN THINGS EITHER.

WE'RE... WE'RE JUST
FRIENDS. THAT'S... THAT'S FINE.

I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
FOR BEING SUCH A JERK,

SO...

Felicity: DEAR SALLY, IT WAS
PERFECT... JUST PERFECT.

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[SINEAD LOHAN'S
"LOOSE ENDS" PLAYS]

♪ TIE UP LOOSE ENDS ♪

♪ DARLING BABY'S
HEART IS BROKEN ♪

♪ AS THE ROAD BENDS ♪



WHAT?

♪ LOOK AT ALL YOU ARE ♪
DON'T MOVE.

♪ BECOMING ♪

♪ STRETCH YOUR CALLING ♪

♪ WAY BEYOND ♪
[LAUGHS] SORRY.

♪ WHERE ♪
IT'S OKAY.

♪ DISTANCE FINDS YOU ♪ THERE
WAS A THING FROM THE SALSA.

OH.

♪ WHAT IS CALLING ♪
CILANTRO, I THINK.

[LAUGHS] SORRY.

♪ NOW MUST TAKE
YOU TO THE HARBOR ♪

♪ I TROUBLE ALL THE TIME ♪ WELL,
UH, I'M PRETTY MUCH DONE HERE.

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ BUT IN LINES ♪
SO, DID ROBERT BROWNING



♪ I STAND UP TO BE STRONG ♪ SURVIVE
YOUR WITHERING CRITICAL ASSAULT?

♪ AND I MEET YOU ♪ BARELY, BUT, UH,
YOU KNOW, I THINK MY PAPER'S PRETTY GOOD.

♪ IN THE GREEN ♪
THAT'S GREAT.

♪ AND IN THE BLUE ♪ EVERY TIME I
RE-READ MINE, IT MAKES LESS AND LESS SENSE.

♪ AND IN THE WANTING TO BELONG ♪
DO YOU WANT ME TO HAND YOURS IN, TOO?

NO. I GOTTA PROOF IT AGAIN.
MY COMPUTER'S ALL SCREWED UP.

EVERY TIME I USE MY
SPELL-CHECK, IT FREEZES.

OH. WELL, IS IT ON DISK? I
CAN RUN IT THROUGH MINE.

YEAH? YEAH.

♪ ALL OF US DO REALLY
LOVE YOU ♪ ALL RIGHT. HERE.

♪ YOU ARE SURROUNDED ♪
SO, I'LL WALK YOU DOWNSTAIRS.

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

♪ YOU CAN COME OUT NOW ♪

♪ IT IS TIME TO BE UNBURDENED ♪

SO, UM, THANKS.

SURE.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT HELPS
ME, TOO, REVIEWING THE READING.

♪ STRETCH YOUR CALLING ♪
YEAH. THAT'S GOOD.

♪ WAY BEYOND WHERE
DISTANCE TAKES YOU ♪ SO... UM...

UH, YEAH. I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

YEAH.

♪ WHAT IS CALLING ♪

♪ NOW MUST TAKE YOU... ♪

PERFECT, RIGHT? I
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

[THE CRASH POETS'
"GOODBYE" PLAYS]

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ I TURNED LEFT ♪

♪ BUT YOU TURNED RIGHT ♪

♪ ONLY ONE-WAY ROADS ♪

♪ ON THIS STRETCH OF LIFE ♪

♪ WE CAN'T BACK UP
OR TURN BACK TIME ♪

♪ OUT OF SIGHT,
NOT OUT OF MIND ♪

♪ YOU MADE A CHOICE,
WAVE GOODBYE ♪

♪ I'M NOT TURNING BACK ♪

♪ AND I THINK ABOUT
YOU EVERY DAY ♪

♪ GOODBYE ♪

♪ ON RAGGED ROADS
TO BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ AND I SEE YOUR
PICTURE IN MY HEAD ♪

♪ GOODBYE ♪

♪ I THINK I'LL MISS YOU ♪

♪ BUT YOU'LL NEVER
SEE ME AGAIN ♪

♪ GOODBYE ♪

♪ YOUR LETTER SAID ♪

♪ YOU FOUND YOUR PLACE ♪

♪ SOMEWHERE ELSE
WITH ANOTHER FACE ♪

♪ WRITTEN WORDS
LIKE RAZOR BLADES ♪

♪ SLASHING ALL MY HOPE AWAY ♪

♪ I'D BLEED TO DEATH
FROM PAPER CUTS ♪

♪ BUT THE ROAD IS CALLING ME ♪

♪ AND I THINK ABOUT YOU... ♪♪

♪ OOH DE LA ♪

♪ OOH DE OH OH ♪

♪ OOH LE LO HA ♪

♪ OH DE LO HA ♪

♪ LO LA LO HO ♪

♪ HEY HA ♪

♪ HEY-EY ♪

♪ OH HEY HI DA DA ♪

EGGS.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

AND THEN I SAID, "I'LL
SEE YOU," AND I LEFT.

IT WAS LAME.

WOW.

WOW, WHAT?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

HE TOUCHED YOUR TEETH.
THAT MEANS SOMETHING.

MY TEETH DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.

DON'T YOU THINK? HE
TOUCHED HER TEETH.

IT WAS LIKE A... A FLICK.

I'VE GONE OUT WITH
GUYS FOR WEEKS

THAT NEVER FLICKED MY TEETH.

TEETH ARE THE MOST SENSUAL
PART OF THE HUMAN BODY.

EXCUSE ME? YEAH, ONE
OF MY GIRLFRIENDS...

I MEAN, SHE AND HER HUSBAND
HAVE THIS WHOLE THING THEY DO

THAT...

UM... [CLEARS THROAT]

UH, CREAM OF WHEAT?

UM... NO, THANKS.

[LAUGHING]

SO, YOU'RE NOT BLOWING ME OFF?

WHAT?

DON'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT CANCELING. HEY.

HI.

I'M NOT GONNA CANCEL.

OKAY, THANKS,

'CAUSE I HAD THIS DREAM
THAT YOU CANCELED.

SO...

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

OKAY.

SO, THINGS SEEM TO BE
GOING REALLY WELL, HUH?

YEAH. WE'RE JUST HANGING OUT.

IT'S NICE.

WE'RE GONNA SEE
SOME RUSSIAN MOVIE.

WHICH ONE?

IT'S CALLED "SOLARIS," I THINK.

YOU'RE GOING ON A
DATE TO SEE "SOLYARIS"?

WHY? IS THAT A PROBLEM?

NO. IT'S JUST, LIKE,
FIVE HOURS LONG.

FIVE HOURS? WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

IT'S THIS GROUP OF PEOPLE
LOCKED ON A SPACE STATION

SPEAKING RUSSIAN
SLOWLY FOR FIVE HOURS.

YOU'VE SEEN THIS?

WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

MY DAD TOOK ME TO THIS, UH, REVIVAL
MOVIE THEATER IN SAN FRANCISCO,

AND I WAS JUST REALLY CONFUSED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LIKE [LAUGHS] I
SORT OF PASSED OUT.

BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT WAS A YEAR
AGO, AND I WAS MUCH YOUNGER.

NO, NO, NO. I AM NOT
GONNA LIKE THIS MOVIE.

I CAN TELL.

AND ZACK IS GONNA
THINK I AM A MORON.

NO, HE WON'T.

YOU WENT AND SAW "THE EXORCIST."

THAT WAS EASY. EVERYBODY
KNOWS HOW TO SCREAM.

I CAN'T GO SEE "SOLARIS."

"SOLYARIS." YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

I CAN'T GO.

[SPOON CLANGS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
GUITAR BEING TUNED]

YOU'RE ON MY LIST.

I AM?

I AM BEING HARASSED

BECAUSE YOU VIOLATED A
STUDENT/R.A. CONFIDENCE. WHAT?

WAIT. WHAT DO YOU
MEAN BY "HARASSED"?

I'M IN THE BATHROOM,

AND THIS GIRL STARTS SINGING
"SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW."

HARASSMENT? ISN'T THAT
MORE LIKE ENTERTAINMENT?

EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT
ME AND BLAIR, AND I BLAME YOU.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]
YOU BLAME ME? WAIT.

DID YOU STOP TO THINK
THAT MAYBE I DON'T CARE?

MAYBE THE TIN MAN'S
DOING THE TALKING.

ELENA.

BLAIR.

JUST SAYING HELLO. HELLO.

HELLO.

I GOT A CLASS.

THAT'S COOL. YOU AROUND LATER?

YOU MEAN, LIKE, WHAT?

LIKE I CAN BY AROUND
4:00. WE CAN GRAB A BITE?

OKAY. GOOD. 4:00.

IS SHE ALWAYS...?

YEAH, SHE'S ALWAYS...

BY WITHHOLDING PARTS
OF THE NARRATION,

THE NARRATOR LETS THE AUDIENCE
INFER THE LARGER PERSPECTIVE.

BROWNING'S "MY LAST DUCHESS"

WOULD BE A PRIME EXAMPLE OF
THIS KIND OF DRAMATIC MONOLOGUE,

BUT THERE ARE COUNTLESS OTHERS.

ONE FROM SHAKESPEARE
MIGHT BE WHAT?

[CHAIRS CREAKING]

BENJAMIN.

BENJAMIN COVINGTON.

UM, MY HAND WASN'T UP.

THAT'S WHY I CALLED ON YOU.

[SIGHS]

I-I'M NOT SURE.

HOW ABOUT AN
EXAMPLE FROM "HAMLET"?

EXAMPLE FROM "HAMLET." UM...

[SIGHS] I'M NOT SURE.

THE "TO BE OR NOT TO BE" SPEECH?

MAYBE?

POINT OF FACT, HAMLET'S
SPEECH IS A SOLILOQUY.

UNLIKE DIRECT ADDRESS,

HERE THE AUDIENCE
ASSUMES THE ROLE OF VOYEUR.

LOOKING IN, SO TO
SPEAK, What was that about?

I DON'T KNOW. TO HAMLET'S PSYCHE,
WE SEE HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HIMSELF,

WE SEE THINGS OTHER
CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY DON'T SEE.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

WAY TO GO.

THANKS. HOW'D YOU DO?

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

ESPECIALLY AFTER MY LAST ONE.

OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE
SMILING. THAT'S A GOOD SIGN.

I'M GONNA FIGHT MY WAY IN.

UH, I CAN'T BELIEVE ROGALSKI
GOT MY LIZ PHAIR REFERENCE.

[LAUGHS]

Man: CHECK IT OUT. HE
POSTED IT ON THE BOARD.

Man #2: HE DID?

YEAH.

MR. COVINGTON.

YEAH.

COULD I SPEAK WITH YOU, PLEASE?

SURE.

[BLINDS RATTLING]

WHEN I HAVE SUSPICIONS

ABOUT A STUDENT'S
ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE,

I PREFER TO DEAL WITH IT
WITHIN THE DEPARTMENT.

OKAY.

IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU'D LIKE TO SAY

BEFORE I START ASKING QUESTIONS?

WHAT? YOU DIDN'T LIKE MY PAPER?

NO, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

I LIKED IT VERY MUCH.

SALLY, YOU KNOW ALL I
WAS TRYING TO DO WAS HELP.

I-I ONLY WANTED TO HELP HIM.

[NO AUDIO]

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE'S, UH, HE'S KEEPING MY PAPER.

WHY?

THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT'S

GONNA START SOME
KIND OF INVESTIGATION.

HE THINKS I DIDN'T WRITE IT.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

HOW CAN HE ACCUSE YOU
OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

INCONSISTENT WITH PREVIOUS WORK.

WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?

I DO BETTER, SO I GET PUNISHED.

THEN HOW COME HE
DIDN'T KEEP MY PAPER?

HE SAID HE WAS SUSPICIOUS
BECAUSE IT WAS AN "A" PAPER.

WHAT A DICK.

HE PICKS ON YOU IN CLASS

AND THEN ACCUSES
YOU OF CHEATING... NICE.

YOU READ IT.

WAS... WAS THERE SOMETHING

THAT COULD HAVE MADE ROGALSKI
THINK I COPIED IT OR SOMETHING?

UM...

WELL, WAS THERE?

NO.

I'M LATE FOR ETHICS CLASS.

I'M ALWAYS LATE FOR
ETHICS. YOU GOTTA FIGHT THIS.

I'M GONNA GO TALK TO MY
COUNSELOR. THIS IS STUPID.

UM, I'LL SEE YOU.

[CHAIR SCRAPES]

Man: YOU NEVER ANSWERED.

BEN.

BEN.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I REWROTE IT.

REWROTE WHAT?

YOUR PAPER.

WHAT?

I-I REWROTE YOUR PAPER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THE... I WAS SPELL-CHECKING IT,

AND, UM... AND
THEN I REWROTE IT.

FELICITY, WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THERE WERE SOME THINGS...

THINGS THAT I KNEW ROGALSKI
WOULD... WHAT THINGS?

I-I WAS JUST... I WAS
TRYING TO HELP BECAUSE...

WHAT THINGS?!

BEN, I-I NEVER WOULD HAVE...

LOOK AT ME.

WAS IT THAT SHAKESPEARE STUFF,

THAT STUFF HE WAS
ASKING ME IN CLASS?

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

I-I'M SORRY, AND I...

NO, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND, FELICITY!

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

BEN, I'M SORRY.

I... I'LL GO TELL HIM
THAT IT WAS MY FAULT.

I'LL GO TELL HIM RIGHT NOW.

JUST GET AWAY FROM
ME! GET AWAY FROM ME!

[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

I'M NOT GONNA
TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

TAKE WHAT PERSONALLY?

HOW UNBELIEVABLY FLAKY YOU ARE.

GOOD, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T.
IT'S JUST BEEN CRAZY.

LET'S GET SOME COFFEE. YOU KNOW, I
REALLY CAN'T. I HAVE CHEM LAB TONIGHT.

DO YOU WANT TO HANG OUT
LATER AFTER YOUR CHEM LAB?

UM, I REALLY CAN'T TONIGHT.

ELENA.

YOU KNOW HUNAN
PAN OVER ON HUDSON?

YEAH.

THAT'S WHERE WE'RE
GOING TOMORROW NIGHT.

8:00.

IF YOU'RE NOT THERE, I WILL
NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN.

OKAY. TOMORROW NIGHT.

TOMORROW NIGHT.

YOU DID WHAT?!

HOW ABOUT YOU NOT MAKE ME
FEEL WORSE THAN I ALREADY DO?

NO. BUT THIS IS SERIOUS.

THANKS. I KNOW.

MR. ROGALSKI
WASN'T IN HIS OFFICE.

I'M GONNA GO AND TELL HIM
FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING.

OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE. DON'T MOVE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

[SIGHS]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
THE RESIDENT ADVISOR HANDBOOK.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA READ
THAT TO ME, ARE YOU?

THE ONE CHAPTER THEY
FORCE US TO READ...

ALL ABOUT CHEATERS.

I-I'M NOT A CHEATER.

I'M JUST WARNING YOU

THAT PLAGIARISM IS A
BIG DEAL IN COLLEGE.

OKAY? WE'RE TALKING
DEFINITE SUSPENSION,

A-AND THAT STAYS ON YOUR RECORD.

JUST FOR REWRITING
BEN'S PAPER? NO.

YEAH. YOU AND BEN.

NOEL, TH... THIS
IS GONNA BE FINE.

LOOK, IF YOU DON'T
HANDLE THIS RIGHT,

YOU'RE GONNA BE IN REAL TROUBLE.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?

[SIGHS]

FOR NOW, DON'T
DO ANYTHING, OKAY?

I'LL GO AND SEE
WHAT I CAN FIND OUT.

[GUITAR STRUMMING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

♪ I KNOW IT'S HARD ♪

♪ MAYBE YOU'RE
JUST BEING A LITTLE ♪

♪ BIT TOO HARD ON YOURSELF ♪

YOU TALK TO ROGALSKI?

NO, NOT YET. I...
BUT I'M GONNA...

♪ I KNOW IT SEEMS ♪ WELL,
DON'T. JUST DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING.

I NEED A COPY OF THAT ESSAY
YOU TURNED IN FOR ME. WHY?

♪ I KNOW THERE AIN'T NOTHING ♪ BECAUSE
I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF THIS MYSELF.

♪ LEFT FOR YOU HERE ♪

JUST GIVE ME THE ESSAY.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

♪ THERE'S A CANDLE IN THE ROAD ♪

♪ THAT I'VE KEPT HERE FOR YOU ♪

♪ ALL ALONG ♪
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA TELL HIM I WROTE IT.

I DON'T... I DON'T THINK
THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

I DON'T WANT YOUR ADVICE,
AND I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP.

LET ME JUST TELL
THEM IT WAS MY FAULT.

NO, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

IT'S MY FAULT.

I'M THE ONE THAT TRUSTED
YOU TO TURN IN MY ESSAY.

♪ THERE'S ONLY SO
MUCH YOU CAN DO ♪

♪ WITHOUT ALWAYS FEELING ALONE ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN IT COME ♪

♪ AND I KNOW THAT
UNDERNEATH IT ALL ♪

♪ IS A LOVE THAT'S
WAITING TO COME ALIVE ♪

CHEATING IS VERY
SERIOUS BUSINESS.

YES, SIR. I KNOW THAT.

DO YOU EVER GO ON THE INTERNET?

YES, SIR. I ACTUALLY
HAVE MY OWN WEBPAGE.

IF... IF...

YOU CAN PURCHASE
TERM PAPERS ONLINE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

YES, I DID. I SAW THAT.

OF COURSE, I'VE NEVER DONE IT.

THANK YOU.

THIS, UH, PERSON I KNOW,

WHO'S CONCERNED WITH...
WITH THE ISSUE OF CHEATING,

UH, IS CURIOUS
WHAT THE PROCESS IS.

CHEATING OF ANY
KIND IS UNACCEPTABLE.

I TOTALLY AGREE.

A QUARTER OF OUR
GRADUATING SENIORS

ACKNOWLEDGE SOME FORM
OF ACADEMIC IMPROPRIETY.

THAT'S A REALLY HIGH PERCENTAGE.

AND IF I HAVE MY WAY,

THAT PERCENTAGE
IS GOING TO CHANGE.

RIGHT ON.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THAT'S...
THAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.

DO YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE

TELLING ME THE
NAME OF THIS PERSON?

UH, THE PERSON WHO ASKED
ME ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN THE UNIVERSITY FINDS OUT THAT
SOMEONE HAS CHEATED... THAT PERSON?

NO.

YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE?

NOT VERY. SO...

IS IT ONE OF YOUR ADVISEES?

NO. NOT AT ALL.

SIR, IT'S... IT'S A FRIEND

WHO'S CONCERNED
ABOUT ANOTHER FRIEND.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

SOMETIMES THE BEST
THING TO DO IS TO STEP UP

AND TAKE YOUR MEDICINE.

WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?

HERE'S WHAT I
SUGGEST, UM... NOEL.

YOU TELL THIS CONCERNED
FRIEND OF YOURS

THAT IF HE OR SHE IS CAUGHT

TURNING IN A PAPER THAT
HE OR SHE DID NOT WRITE,

I WILL MAKE AN EXAMPLE
OF THAT PERSON.

Felicity: WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, IT'S A DISASTER?

IF HE'S DOING THIS, ALL RIGHT...

IF... IF HE'S PRETENDING
HE WROTE THIS...

SHH!

IF HE'S SAYING HE WROTE IT,

THERE'S A WHOLE TRIBUNAL THING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, LIKE A COURT?

YEAH. I MEAN... OKAY.

EITHER WAY, IT'S BAD.

IF HE SAYS HE DIDN'T WRITE IT...

EVEN IF YOU ADMIT WHY YOU
DID IT, THEN YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

IF HE SAYS HE WROTE IT,
THEN THEY'RE GONNA GRILL HIM,

ASK HIM A BUNCH OF
QUESTIONS ABOUT THINGS

I'M GUESSING HE DOESN'T
HAVE THE ANSWERS TO.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
THIS IS A DISASTER.

YOU GOTTA TALK HIM OUT OF IT.

BEN HATES MY GUTS.

YEAH. CAN... CAN I BE HONEST?

YOU WOULD, TOO.

SORT OF.

LOOK, GET SOMEONE
TO TALK TO HIM, OKAY?

SOMEONE HE'LL LISTEN TO,
SOMEONE WHO'LL CONVINCE HIM

TO JUST BE HONEST
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

SOMEONE WHO'S... WHO'S NOT ME.

PLEASE? NO.

WILL YOU JUST TALK TO HIM?

NO!

I'LL OWE YOU ONE.

DON'T YOU ALREADY OWE ME ONE?

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS]

[DOOR CREAKS]

EXCUSE ME?

UM, I'M LOOKING FOR
"SOLARIS" OR "SOLYARIS."

I THINK IT'S TARKOVSKY.

YEAH. I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, YOUR MOVIE'S PLAYING
AT THE MERCER TOMORROW NIGHT.

YEAH.

I'M RENTING IT FOR AFTER,

JUST, YOU KNOW, IN
CASE I MISS SOMETHING.

DON'T WORRY.
YOU'RE GONNA DO FINE.

EXCUSE ME?

JUST REMEMBER,

THE CELEBRATION OF HUMAN
VALUES AND THE POWER OF LOVE

IN A HOSTILE OR
INDIFFERENT UNIVERSE.

HE'LL EAT IT UP.

WHO?

THIS GUY'S IN FILM
SCHOOL, RIGHT?

YOUR DATE, HE'S UNDERGRAD.

HE HAS SOME ELMORE
LEONARD THING ON 16

HE DID SUMMER AFTER HIGH SCHOOL

THAT HE'S VERY TOUCHY ABOUT.

HOW AM I DOING?

YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

SO, OF COURSE, YOU HAVE TO
SHARE IN HIS LOVE OF CINEMA.

SO HE STARTS WITH
SOME '70s STANDARD,

UH, MAYBE "CHINATOWN"?

"THE EXORCIST."

FREAKIN'.

BUT NOW HE'S MOVED ON TO
SOMETHING A BIT MORE SERIOUS,

AND YOU'RE NOT SURE
IF YOU'RE UP TO IT.

KIND OF.

HEY, YOU KNOW,
DON'T SWEAT THIS...

THIS IS STANDARD
FRESHMAN COURTSHIP RITUAL.

[COMPUTER KEYS CLACKING]

JUST REMEMBER, HE'S
TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU

AND NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

THAT'S $2.50.

I WISH THEY HAD, LIKE, CLIFFS
NOTES FOR THESE MOVIES.

THEY DON'T.

THEY HAVE ME.

I'M P.J.

LATE FEE'S 2 BUCKS A DAY.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

UH, SURE, BUT I... I WAS
JUST GONNA GO OUT...

N-NO.

[BELL RINGING] WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?

UH, IS THE ELEVATOR
GONNA BE OKAY LIKE THIS?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE ELEVATOR.

I NEED YOUR ADVICE ABOUT MEN.

YOU NEED MY ADVICE ABOUT MEN?

I HAD MY LIFE PRETTY
WELL FIGURED OUT...

THAT GOES FOR THE
GUYS IN MY LIFE, TOO,

THE ONE'S I USUALLY GET WITH.

THINGS ARE PRETTY
CLEAR FROM THE START.

THEY HAVE NEEDS, I HAVE NEEDS.

AND SEX HAPPENS WHEN IT HAPPENS.

AND WHEN I WANTED TO
END SOMETHING WITH A GUY,

IT'S THE SAME THING.

IT'S... THERE'S NO GUILT,
NO TEARS, NOTHING.

I JUST SQUASH IT
AND KILL IT DEAD.

AND THEN YOU EAT IT?

ARE YOU MOCKING ME?

UM... I'M JUST NOT EXACTLY SURE

I UNDERSTAND YOUR PROBLEM.

BLAIR. I SPENT ONE
NIGHT WITH THE GUY.

NOW HE'S AROUND ALL THE TIME.

HE WANTS... HE WANTS
TO HAVE CHINESE FOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND I... I CAN'T...

[SIGHS]

KILL IT DEAD?

YOU'RE MOCKING ME.

NO, UH, I JUST MEAN...

THAT MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT TO.

I JUST MEAN MAYBE
YOU SHOULD CONSIDER

THAT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY
ENJOY HIS COMPANY.

JUST ONE POSSIBLE THEORY.

[ELEVATOR RUNS]

OH, AND, UH, NEXT TIME
YOU WANT TO TALK...

I DON'T HAVE TO KIDNAP YOU.

YEAH, I MEAN... YEAH.

COOL.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YOU GET IT.

CAN YOU GET THAT?

YEAH.

[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

HI.

HEY.

I DIDN'T BUZZ.

THERE WAS A GUY
COMING IN... WITH A BIRD.

ALEX, YEAH.

HE TRAINS BIRDS FOR
COMMERCIALS AND STUFF.

OH. THAT'S...

[WHISTLES]

C-CAN I COME IN?

SURE.

HEY, THIS IS GREAT.

I'M, UH, I'M SORRY I
MISSED YOUR PARTY.

HEY. HI.

MARZIPAN BOXER?

WHAT?

MY NEW BUSINESS IDEA.

OH. UH, THANKS.

UM... LOOK.

I KNOW THIS IS... IS PROBABLY
NONE OF MY BUSINESS,

AND, YOU KNOW, WE DON'T EVEN
ACTUALLY KNOW EACH OTHER, REALLY.

BUT... FELICITY TOLD
ME YOUR STRATEGY,

AND I HAVE TO SAY,

I THINK IT'S A PRETTY
DANGEROUS STRATEGY.

WELL, I'M GLAD SHE TOLD
YOU ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.

SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

YOU KNOW, LOOK, THANKS,
BUT I'M DOING OKAY.

I, UH, I TALKED TO THE
DEAN OF STUDENTS.

DON'T WORRY. I DIDN'T...
I DIDN'T USE YOUR NAME.

UM... BUT I ASKED
HIM HYPOTHETICALLY,

YOU KNOW, WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA
KICK ME OUT OVER THIS.

IF YOU SAY YOU WROTE THAT
PAPER, AND THEY FOUND OUT YOU LIED,

AT THE VERY LEAST, YOU'RE
SUSPENDED FOR A YEAR.

WHAT DO YOU CARE IF I'M GONE?

I KNOW FELICITY CARES.

AND... AND IF THEY
DON'T KICK YOU OUT,

THEY'RE GONNA PUT SOMETHING
ON YOUR RECORD YOU WON'T LIKE.

DO ME A FAVOR

AND GO TELL FELICITY I GOT
THE MESSAGE, ALL RIGHT?

ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS HELP.

I DON'T WANT HER HELP!

THIS IS AMAZING!

ALL I WANT... IF
YOU'RE CURIOUS...

IS FOR HER TO LEAVE
ME ALONE, ALL RIGHT?

I CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS MYSELF.

WITH ALL RESPECT, OKAY,
I DON'T THINK YOU CAN.

YOU'RE WRONG!

AND FELICITY IS
CRAZY, ALL RIGHT?

AND I'M BUSY

TRYING TO LEARN ALL THAT
STUFF I WROTE IN MY PAPER.

BITE HIS HEAD OFF. WHAT?

IT'S CANDY.

OH, UM...

NO, THANKS, ALL RIGHT?

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SIGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Man #1: [Translation] IF I GO,
YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME.

Man #2: [Translation]
GOOD. I BELIEVE YOU.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[SOUND SHUTS OFF]

HEY. HEY.

SO, ARE WE STILL
ON FOR THE MOVIE?

YEAH, SURE. GREAT.

OKAY.

YOU OKAY?

YEP, YEAH!

I'M STUDYING.

FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.

WHAT?

FOR TOMORROW NIGHT? I
PICKED UP THE TICKETS EARLY.

I THOUGHT THERE MIGHT BE A LINE.

OH, UM... TO GET IN? YEAH.

OH, AND I SHOULD WARN
YOU, UM, IT'S A LITTLE LONG.

YEAH. IT'S A CLASSIC.

RIGHT. SO WHO CARES?

YEP. SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT.

OKAY.

OKAY.

[LAUGHS]

♪ ONCE I COULD SEE,
BUT NOW I AM BLIND ♪

♪ ONCE I COULD HEAR, BUT
NOW EVERYTHING'S QUIET ♪

♪ NEEDLES AND PINS ♪

♪ FACES AND... ♪ Felicity: SO TOMORROW
MORNING, BEN FACES OFF WITH MR. ROGALSKI

♪ BUT EVERYTHING'S OPEN NOW ♪
AND TWO OTHER PROFESSORS.

♪ EVERYTHING'S FINE ♪

9:00 A.M.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

HAVE YOU SEEN BEN?

NO, BUT ROGALSKI
JUST WENT IN THERE.

HE WAS WITH TWO
OTHER PROFESSORS.

AND I THINK ONE OF
THEM IS LINDA COHEN.

WHO'S THAT?

HEAD OF THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT.

[SIGHS] OH, GOD, YOU GOTTA
CONVINCE HIM NOT TO DO THIS.

OKAY, BEFORE YOU GO IN
THERE, JUST LISTEN TO ME.

THAT WAS A HORRIBLE
THING WHAT I DID. I KNOW THAT.

SO JUST LET ME TAKE THE BLAME,

AND YOU WON'T
EVEN GET IN TROUBLE.

NO. I DON'T WANT
YOU TO SAY ANYTHING.

WHY? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

THE QUOTE YOU ADDED, THE BOSWORTH
THING... WAS THAT FROM "ANTHOLOGY"?

WAS IT?

YEAH.

BEN...

DON'T DO THIS.

[BLINDS RATTLING, DOOR CLOSES]

IN YOUR PAPER,

YOU ALLUDE TO BROWNING'S
USE OF DRAMATIC IRONY.

COULD YOU PLEASE
DEFINE THAT TERM?

SURE.

UM... BROWNING USES IRONY
TO HELP TELL THE STORY.

COULD YOU DEFINE IT, PLEASE?

YES.

IRONY...

IT'S COMPLICATED.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

Man: CHECK IT OUT.

HOW'S HE DOING?

I CAN'T TELL.

Noel: IS HE IN THERE ALREADY?

15 MINUTES.

CAN I TALK TO YOU?

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH. I'LL JUST...
I'LL CALL YOU AFTER.

OKAY. I'M GONNA BE IN MY ROOM.

I'M HALFWAY THROUGH
"SOLYARIS," WHICH IS LIKE HELL.

UM...

SO DEAN ALLISON CALLED ME.

WHY?

HE'S CONVINCED I
WROTE THE PAPER.

WHAT? YEAH, HE WAS TRYING
TO SCARE ME INTO CONFESSING,

BUT HE WENT INTO THIS
INCREDIBLY LONG SPEECH, OKAY?

AND BASICALLY TOLD ME

THAT ONCE THE DISCIPLINARY
BOARD GETS INVOLVED,

THEY EXAMINE THE
STUDENT'S ENTIRE RECORD,

AND THAT'S INCLUDING
APPLICATION MATERIALS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU SAID BEN LIED ON HIS
APPLICATION ESSAY, RIGHT? YEAH.

OKAY, IF THEY READ THAT

AND REALIZE HE
NEVER HAD A BROTHER...

I MEAN, LYING TO GET IN...

FORGET SUSPENSION.

HE'S... HE'S EXPELLED.

OKAY. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?

YOU GOTTA GO IN THERE
AND TELL THEM THE TRUTH.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DO. I KNOW.

I'M A BIG BELIEVER IN THE FACT
THAT THE TRUTH COMES OUT

WHETHER YOU TELL THEM OR NOT.

Ben: THAT'S... THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.

THAT'S... THAT'S ONE OF THE
REASONS THE POEM IS SO...

BECAUSE YOU THINK
THAT HE'S TALKING TO YOU,

BUT THEN YOU FIND OUT

THAT HE'S TALKING TO
SOMEBODY ELSE, AN ENVOY.

RIGHT?

DOES... I MEAN, DOES THAT
ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?

YES.

YES.

COULD YOU BETTER EXPLAIN

YOUR CONNECTION BETWEEN
"MY LAST DUCHESS" AND "HAMLET"?

UM... UH, BOTH THE
POEM AND THE PLAY

USE A LITERARY TECHNIQUE,

THAT, UH, ENGAGES THE...
THE READER OR THE VIEWER

BY MAKING THEM AN
ACTIVE PARTICIPANT.

WELL, IN "HAMLET,"
HIS MONOLOGUES, UH,

SOLIL... SOLILOQUIES, MAKE
YOU A CHARACTER IN THE PLAY,

JUST LIKE, UH, BROWNING DOES

BY HAVING THE DUKE
TALK RIGHT TO THE READER.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO COMPARE
AND CONTRAST "MY LAST DUCHESS"

WITH BROWNING'S "COUNT GISMOND."

[SIGHS]

UH, "COUNT GISMOND."

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

UM...[SIGHS DEEPLY]

SORRY. THIS ROOM'S
A LITTLE BIT, UH,

IT'S A LITTLE BIT
NERVE-RACKING. I'M SORRY.

THE NARRATOR. IT'S THE NARRATOR.

I DIDN'T WRITE THE PAPER.

OH, MY GOD.

THEN WHO DID?

I BOUGHT IT. I BOUGHT
IT OFF SOME GUY.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME.

I'M SORRY. UM...

I WROTE IT.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

YOU WROTE BEN'S ESSAY?

UM... WELL, I... I REWROTE IT.

HE... HE DIDN'T ASK ME TO.

IT WAS MY DECISION, MY MISTAKE,

AND, UM... I JUST TURNED IT IN
WITHOUT HIM EVEN KNOWING IT.

SO I'M... I'M THE ONE
WHO'S IN TROUBLE HERE.

YOU REWROTE BEN'S PAPER?

YES, SIR.

WITHOUT HIS ASKING YOU TO?

THAT'S RIGHT.

DO YOU MIND MY ASKING WHY?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

BECAUSE I'M STUPID!

ALL RIGHT?

OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S
THE ANSWER, ALL RIGHT?

SHE READ MY PAPER. IT
WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

SO BEN COVINGTON'S AN IDIOT.

ALL RIGHT? THAT'S
THE LESSON FOR TODAY.

MR. COVINGTON.

[BLINDS RATTLE]

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

HEY.

I... I JUST WANTED
TO LET YOU KNOW

THAT I MADE SURE

THEY KNEW YOU HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, SO...

I MEAN, IF ANYONE'S GOING
TO BE EXPELLED, IT-IT'LL BE ME.

[SIGHS]

WHY'D YOU DO IT?

I MEAN, WHEN YOU READ
MY PAPER, HOW BAD WAS IT?

IT WASN'T BAD.

[WAILING CONTINUES]

BUT... I'M A GEEK.

I'M... I'M A TEACHER'S PET.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO
ADD SOME LANGUAGE TO IT,

YOU KNOW, TO GET
YOU A BETTER GRADE,

WHICH IS LOATHSOME, I KNOW.

YOU HAD A MILLION
FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND... AND YOU WERE
AMAZING AT SPORTS,

AND YOU WERE SO POPULAR...

BUT I HAD ONE
THING... MY CLASSES.

I KNEW HOW TO TAKE
TESTS AND WRITE PAPERS.

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
ASSUMED YOU NEEDED HELP

WHEN... YOU REALLY DIDN'T.

[SIGHS DISGUSTEDLY]

THE LAST THING I
EVER WANTED TO DO

[Voice breaking] WAS
TO MAKE YOU FEEL...

ANYTHING LESS THAN AMAZING.

WELL, THANKS.

I JUST... I HAD TO TALK TO YOU.

YEAH.

GOOD NIGHT.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

HELLO.

THERE WAS A WAIT LIST
FOR RESERVED READING.

UM, THERE WERE ONLY TWO COPIES.

BUT THE GUY SAID IF I LEFT, I
WOULD LOSE MY SPOT IN LINE.

NAH, IT WAS FINE.

I MET THIS GUY.

HE WAS WAITING
FOR HIS PEKING DUCK.

YOU KNOW, IT TAKES
FOREVER TO MAKE THAT.

HE WORKS FOR THIS
COMPANY OVER ON LAFAYETTE

THAT MANUFACTURES LAWN
SUPPLIES, MOSTLY NOZZLES.

NOZZLES?

ACTUALLY, THEY JUST
ASSEMBLE THE NOZZLES.

THEY USED TO MAKE THEM THERE.

"DIE CAST," IT'S CALLED,

BUT NOW IT'S CHEAPER TO
GET THE BRASS FROM OVERSEAS.

BLAIR. FROM TAIWAN.

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

ACTUALLY, YOU
DIDN'T, WHICH IS FINE.

AND I COULD TAKE THIS AS THE
BIG MESSAGE AND WALK AWAY,

ASSUME THAT OTHER
NIGHT WAS JUST NOTHING,

EXCEPT I LIKE THE
DANCING SANDWICH MAKER

WHO HATES HALLOWEEN,

THE JAZZ FREAK WHO THINKS
CHARLIE PARKER IS OVERRATED.

I CAN EVEN HANDLE THE
COMPULSIVE OVERACHIEVER

WHO WAITS THREE
HOURS AT THE LIBRARY

FOR SOME STUPID RESERVE READING.

THAT WAS READING I NEEDED TO DO.

THE ELENA I DO HAVE SOME
TROUBLE WITH, HOWEVER,

IS THE ONE WHO
PUSHES PEOPLE AWAY

BECAUSE SHE'S SO
DAMN SCARED TO ADMIT

SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY LIKE THEM

AND IS DUMB ENOUGH TO
THINK THAT NOBODY GETS THAT,

EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE GETS THAT.

THAT'S SUCH A BUNCH OF CRAP.

I BROUGHT YOU SOME
ORANGE CHICKEN.

[ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

I REALLY LOVED IT.

YOU DID?

THE WHOLE THING?

YEAH.

YOU MEAN, FOR THAT
TINY WINDOW OF TIME

THAT YOUR EYES
WERE ACTUALLY OPEN?

I DIDN'T FALL ASLEEP.

[CHUCKLES]

OH, GOD, WAS I
SNORING? IN MY EAR.

I WAS GONNA WAKE YOU, BUT I-I KIND
OF LIKED YOU SNORING SOFTLY IN MY EAR.

OKAY, I NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS.

NO, NO, NO, YOU DON'T.
THE MOVIE'S ENDLESS.

NO, UM... YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. I ALREADY SAW IT.

I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND
IT, SO I JUST... YOU KNOW...

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO
THINK I WAS AN IDIOT.

SO I RENTED IT.

WELL, I'D BE LYING IF I SAID

THAT I-I DIDN'T FALL
ASLEEP A LITTLE MYSELF.

YOU'RE SAYING THAT
TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

COME ON, IT'S...
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

IT'S A MOVIE.

SO WHAT?

ZACK, YOU REALLY LIKE MOVIES.

I REALLY LIKE YOU.

[BLINDS RATTLING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

I HAD A LONG CONFERENCE WITH
PROFESSORS COHEN AND McCARDLE.

WE DEBATED GOING TO
DEAN ALLISON WITH THIS ISSUE.

PROFESSOR COHEN
FELT, IN PARTICULAR,

THAT THIS SHOULD BE TREATED JUST LIKE
ANY OTHER CASE OF ACADEMIC IMPROPRIETY.

BUT I ARGUED AGAINST IT.

I FELT THIS WAS MORE A
CASE OF POOR JUDGMENT.

SO... NEITHER OF YOU WILL GO
BEFORE THE UNIVERSITY BOARD,

AND YOU WON'T BE EXPELLED.

THANK YOU.

OF COURSE YOU'RE BOTH
GONNA FAIL THIS PAPER,

WHICH WILL HAVE A SEVERE
EFFECT ON YOUR FINAL GRADE.

BY THE WAY, BEN,

I READ YOUR ORIGINAL PAPER.

YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A "B."

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[JACKHAMMER POUNDING]

BEN!

BEN.

I KNOW THAT I'VE SAID THIS,

AND I'LL KEEP SAYING
IT, BUT I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

I SHOULD GO.

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

♪ AM I CONFUSED? ♪

♪ WELL, I DON'T KNOW ♪

Sally: DEAR FELICITY,

I'VE SPENT THE LAST
COUPLE NIGHTS CAMPING OUT

♪ WHAT SHOULD I DO?
IN THE DESERT BY MYSELF.

♪ WELL, I DON'T KNOW ♪ EMMETT AND I
WERE SORT OF GOING A LITTLE TOO FAST,

SO GETTING AWAY JUST
HELPS CLEAR MY HEAD.

♪ SHOULD I DISTRUST THAT
I'M FEELING THIS MUCH? ♪

♪ COULD THIS BE LOVE? ♪ IT'S
INTERESTING WHAT YOU DID FOR BEN.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE THESE
EXPECTATIONS FOR WHO HE IS,

♪ WELL, I DON'T KNOW ♪
FOR WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO BE.

THAT'S JUST NORMAL.

♪ WHAT ARE THESE THINGS ♪ I HAVE
THOSE SAME EXPECTATIONS FOR EMMETT,

♪ THAT WON'T LET GO? ♪
WHICH I KNOW IS UNFAIR.

HE ISN'T PERFECT.

♪ AM I CHASING CLOUDS ♪
HE ISN'T JOHN.

♪ THAT I CAN'T HOLD? ♪

♪ I CAN'T DECIDE ♪

♪ HOW I'M FEELING INSIDE ♪ LISTENING TO
YOUR TAPE, I WAS REMINDED OF THIS POEM.

IT HAS THIS CENTRAL QUESTION...

♪ COULD THIS BE LOVE? ♪ IS IT
HARDER TO COUNT ON SOMEONE

♪ WELL, I DON'T KNOW ♪ OR TO KNOW
THAT YOU'RE BEING THE ONE COUNTED UPON?

♪ WHAT WOULD I DO IF MY
DREAMS ALL CAME TRUE? ♪

♪ WHAT WOULD YOU SAY ♪

♪ IF I SHARED THEM ♪ ANYWAY,
THERE'S THIS PART THAT GOES...

♪ WITH YOU? ♪
"IF EQUAL AFFECTION CANNOT BE,

♪ OH, WHAT AM I ♪
LET THE MORE LOVING ONE BE ME."

♪ TO DO? ♪
HAVE YOU EVER READ THAT ONE?

IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC ENDS]