Fawlty Towers (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Germans - full transcript

A moose head to be hung, a fire drill to be conducted, and German guests are all a bit much for Basil to handle while Sybil's in hospital.

(opening theme music)

(opening theme music)

So you're sure
you'll be all right?

- What, Basil?
- You'll be all right?

Will you get me
my bed jacket?

Bed jacket.

In the drawer,
the blue one,

in the drawer!

Now, you won't forget
the fire drill tomorrow?

I won't, dear.
I can cope, you know.

This one?



That's not blue.

It's got
blue things on it.

They're flowers,
and I didn't ask

for the one
with flowers, did I?

No, you didn't.

I only picked that
one up to annoy you.

What have you got
all this stuff for?

What?

You're only here
three days,

you gonna play charades
every night?

This one?

- Is it blue?
- Bluish, I suppose.

Now you will remember
to collect the stuff

from Thomas', won't you?



Yes, I will.

And I forgot
to scrape the mold

off the cheddar this morning,
so remind the chef.

Right.

And try to find time
to get the moosey's head up.

Oh.

It's been sitting there
for two weeks, Basil.

Yes, yes, yes.

I don't know
why you bought it.

It will lend the lobby
a certain ambience, Sybil.

It has a touch
of style about it.

It's got a touch
of mange about it.

That is not so.

It's got things
living in it, Basil.

It's nasty.

It is not nasty,
it is superb.

I'm not going to argue
with you, Basil,

just get it up
out of the way.

I don't want to snag
any more cardies on it.

And will you get me
my phone book, please?

Like I don't have
enough to do.

I mean,
I'm on my own,

the Germans are
arriving tomorrow...

not till lunchtime.
You could do it in the morning.

I've got the fire drill
in the morning.

That only takes 10 minutes...
in the bag!

I thought slavery'd
been abolished.

Don't you
ever think

about anybody
but yourself?

In the bag!

Oh, in the bag.
Let me do it.

You just lie there
with your feet up

and I'll
carry you up

another hundredweight
of lime creams.

I am actually about to undergo
an operation, Basil.

Oh, yes, how is
the old toenail?

Still growing in,

still burrowing its way down
to the bone,

still macheteing its way
through the nerve?

Nasty old nail.

It's still hurting,
if that's what you mean, Basil.

It'll be out in the morning,
poor little devil.

I wonder if
they'd mount it for me,

just for
old time's sake.

I'm sure
it's worth asking.

You could hang it on the wall,
next to the moose.

- They'd go well together.
- Ha, ha, ha.

There you are.
Come along, out you go.

Oh, were you
talking to me?

I'm sorry, I thought there
was a dog in here.

No, no dogs in here.

I wouldn't bet on it.

Now come along,
you're in the way.

Fawlty's the name.
Mr. Fawlty.

- Let's sit you up a bit.
- Thank you, sister.

Now pop that
under your tongue.

You still here?

Apparently.

The doctor's coming.

My God! A doctor,
here in the hospital?

Whatever can we do?

You can leave.

Why do they
call you "Sister"?

Is it a term
of endearment?

Now look, Mr. Fawlty,
I won't ask you again!

Presumably
you wouldn't mind

if I said goodbye
to my wife?

She is under
the knife tomorrow.

It's an ingrowing toenail.

You know, do you?
That'll help.

Just take care,

and if you think of any
more things for me to do,

don't hesitate to call.

- Finished?
- Just.

Thank you so much.

Not at all.

Ingrowing toenail.
Right foot.

You'll find it
on the end of the leg.

Bye, darling.

Mr. Fawlty?

Yes?

Dr. Fin.

How do you do,
doctor?

You've just
seen your wife?

Just said goodbye...
Well, au revoir.

Yes, it is a very
simple operation,

but it will be quite
painful afterwards.

Will it?
Oh, dear.

Just for a time,
but don't worry.

I'll try not to.

Quite painful?

Yes.

Evening, Major.

Evening, Fawlty.
Hampshire won.

Did it?
Oh, isn't that good?

How splendid.

Oh, Fawlty,
How's... um...

My wife?

That's it.

Fine.
Absolutely fine.

They're taking it out
tomorrow morning.

Is she? Good.

Not her, the nail.

They won't have operated
till tomorrow.

- What?
- The nail.

They're taking it out
tomorrow.

How did she get
a nail in her?

I told you, she's
having her toenail out.

What, just one of them?

It's an ingrowing one.

If it's causing you pain,
you have it out.

Exactly.
So I'm on my own now,

start running
this place properly.

So you're
on your own?

Apparently, yes.

She won't be away
for long, will she?

Not unless
there's a serious mistake.

You've always got
Elsie to help you.

- Who?
- Elsie.

She left a couple
of years ago, major.

Funny, I thought
I saw her yesterday.

I don't think so.
She's in Canada.

Strange creatures,
women.

Well, can't stand around
all day...

I knew one once.

Striking looking girl,
tall, you know.

Father was a banker.

Really?

Don't remember
the name of the bank.

Never mind.

I must have been
keen on her

because I took her

to see India!

India?

At the Oval!

Fine match.
A marvelous finish.

Now, Surrey had to get
33 in half an hour,

and she went off
to powder her...

Her hands
or something.

Women...
never came back.

What a shame.

The strange thing was that
throughout the morning,

she kept referring to the Indians
as "Niggers."

No, no, I said.

Niggers are
the West Indians,

these people are Wogs!

No, no, she said,

all cricketers
are Niggers.

They do get
awfully confused.

They're not thinkers.
I see it with Sybil every day.

I wish I could
remember her name,

she's still got
my wallet.

As I was saying,

no capacity
for logical thought.

Who?

Women.

Oh, yes.
I thought you meant Indians.

No, wasn't it
Oscar Wilde who said,

"They have minds
like Swiss cheese"?

What do you mean?
Hard?

No, full of holes.

Really?

Indians?

No, women!

Oh.

Can we help you?

Hello.

You see?
Three years at college,

she doesn't know
the time of day.

About two minutes
to 6:00.

What are you
looking for?

My German book.

We've got some Germans
arriving tomorrow,

so Polly's brushing up

another one
of her languages.

Germans?
Coming here?

Just for a couple
of days, major.

I don't care much
for Germans.

I know what
you mean, but...

bunch of Krauts,
that's what they are,

all of 'em.
Bad eggs!

Forgive and forget,
Major...

God knows how,
the bastards, still...

I'd better put
the moose up.

Well, you've got
to love 'em,

I suppose,
haven't you?

Germans?

No, women!

I hate Germans...

Love women.

What about
German women?

Good card players,

but I wouldn't give
them the time of day.

Found it.

I don't know what you're
bothering with that for.

They said some of them
didn't speak English.

Well, that's
their problem, isn't it?

I don't know why she's got
to complicate everything.

Got her cardy,
did you?

By Jove!

Nearly 6:00,
Fawlty.

Is it?

Yes, well,

when you're ready,

I might have a fruit juice
or something.

I'll open up the moment
I've done this, Major.

No immediate hurry.

Drunken old sod.
(telephone rings)

Polly!

Polly!

Manuel!

Oh...
(continues to ring)

Yes, Fawlty Towers,
Hello?

I was just doing it,
you stupid woman,

I just put it down
to come here

to be reminded by you
to do what I'm already...

What's the point
of reminding me

to do what I'm already doing?
What is the bloody point?

I'm doing it,
aren't I?

Yes, I picked it up.

No, I haven't had
a chance yet.

I've been at it solidly
ever since I got back.

Yes, I will.

No, I haven't yet,
but I will,

yes, I know it, I'll try
and get it cleared up.

Anything else? I mean,

would you like the hotel
moved a bit to the left, or...

Enjoy the operation, dear,
let's hope nothing goes wrong.

I wish it was
an ingrowing tongue.

Yes?

It's the Admirable Crichton.
Well?

You called, sir?

Last week.
But not to worry.

?Qu??

Oh, Buddah.

Look, go and
get me a hammer.

?C?mo?

Hammer.

"Hammer"...Oh,
hammer sandwich!

Do I have to go
through this every time?

Look, a hammer!

My hamster?

No,
not your hamster.

How can I knock a nail
in with your hamster?

Well, I could try,
no, it doesn't matter,

all right, I'll get it,
you come here,

and tidy.
You know, tidy?

Oh, tidy, s?.

I get hhhammer and hhhit you
on the hhhead with it hhhard.

Hammer. Hammer.

How are you, sir?

You see, I speak
English well.

I learn it
from a book.

Hello.
I am English.

Hello.

How are you, sir?

I can speak English.

Oh, hello, Major.
How are you today?

I'm... I'm... I'm...

fine, thank you.

Is a beautiful
day today.

Is it?
Yes, yes, I suppose it is.

Yes,
I can speak English.

I learn it
from a book.

Did you?
Did you really?

There you are,
Fawlty.

Yes, I'm just going
to open up, Major.

Oh, fine.

I say, that's
a remarkable animal

you have there,
Fawlty.

Where did you get it?

Samson's,
in the town.

Really?
Was it expensive?

?12, I think.

Good Lord.

Japanese, was it?

Canadian,
I think, major.

I didn't know
the Canadians

were as clever
as that. My God.

He started early.

Polly,
what's that smell?

Flowers. I just got
them from the garden.

What are you stinking
the place out for?

What's happened
to the plastic ones?

Being ironed.

(telephone rings)

Will you answer
that please?

I'm trying to
put this up.

Fawlty Towers?

Oh, hello,
Mrs. Fawlty.

I'm doing it!
I'm doing it now!

Tell her I'm
doing it now!

He says he's
doing it now.

How's the nail?

I wish it was
this one.

There.
Tell the Tyrant Queen

her cardies
are safe forever.

Mr. Moose is up.

It's done, done, done!

It's up.

It's down again.

Did you use
a wall plug?

Give it to me!
Give it to me...

Aaah!

No, he just fell
over Manuel,

and he seems to have
got himself jammed

under the swivel chair.

And the flowers have
just fallen on him.

No, everything else
is fine.

Up. Up. Easy.

Very good.

- Right.
- Good.

Is good.
Is good.

Oh, what is...

Right, well, go on,
get back to your work.

?12.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

You know there's a fire drill
in a few minutes, do you?

No, no, we didn't.

You hadn't read
the notice?

No.

Right, well, when
you hear the bell

if you'd be so kind as to
get out for a few moments,

we have to clear the building.
Thank you so much.

Mr. Fawlty, you know
it's nearly 12:00?

- Yes?
- Well, the fire drill?

Yes, I hadn't forgotten.

I just told somebody.
I can cope.

I mean, you know what
you're doing, do you?

Help get people out
of the bedrooms upstairs,

while learning
two Oriental languages.

- Mr. Fawlty?
- Yes?

Who else is doing
the upstairs?

Only you, it doesn't
take a moment.

Yes, but I'm only here
at mealtimes.

So?

What happens if there's
a fire when I'm not here?

Who does the upstairs then?

Well, we'll worry about that
when we come to it.

What's the panic?

Always an argument
about everything.

(telephone rings)

Hello, Fawlty Towers?

Oh, what is it now?
Can't you leave me in peace?

Yes, we're just gonna have it,
I haven't forgotten!

Yes, I know
I need the key...

It's on the top of the...

Well, where is it?

Well, what'd you
put it in there for?

Nobody's going to steal it,
are they?

Yes, yes, I know that you
know, but I don't...

Yes, I do now,
thank you so much.

Why's she got
to complicate it?

I put something down,
I know where it is,

so she has to come along and
move the damn thing so I can't find it.

(alarm sounds)

Well, what'd she
put that on...

Oh, I might've guessed.

Sorry, Major, only
the burglar alarm. Sorry.

What?

Sorry, Miss Tibbs.

That was
the burglar alarm.

Fire drill's not for
a couple minutes. Sorry.

- Excuse me?
- Burglars, Fawlty?

No, no, my wife left...
excuse me?

Yes?

Sorry, that wasn't
the fire bell...

sorry, that was
just the...

I thought there
was a drill.

Yes, there is.
At 12:00, but not yet.

But it is 12:00.

Not quite, thank you.
Excuse me?

Well,
I make it 12:00.

I'm afraid
that wasn't the...

What time do you
make it, Major?

- Look...
- Burglars about, I think.

It doesn't matter
what time he makes it,

it hasn't started yet.

- What?
- It hasn't started yet!

But that was the bell,
wasn't it?

No!

He means the drill
hasn't started yet.

What drill?
We didn't hear a drill.

No, no, look, look...

That was
the burglar alarm.

See!

- The burglar alarm?
- Yes!

- Are there burglars?
- Evidently.

No, what's the matter
with you all?

It's perfectly simple.

We have the fire drill
when I ring the fire bell.

That wasn't
the fire bell, right?

Well, how were we
supposed to know

that wasn't
the fire bell?

Because it doesn't sound
like the fire bell!

- It did!
- It didn't!

- It did!
- No, it didn't!

The fire bell's
a different...

it's a semi-tone higher!

A semi-tone?

At least!
Anyway, the fire drill

doesn't start
till 12:00!

It is 12:00!

Well, it is now,

because we've been standing
about arguing about it!

How on earth
can you expect us

to tell which bell
is which?

We haven't heard
them yet, have we?

You want to hear them?
Suits me.

Here's the burglar alarm.
(bell ringing)

Ought we to
catch them first?

There aren't any!

Then why does the alarm
keep going?

All right? Got that?
Right?

(ringing stops)
What's happening now?

Now here's
the fire bell, right?

It's a completely
different sound, listen.

(slightly higher ringing)

Well, where are you going?

Well, there is a drill,
isn't there?

No, no, no, no, no,
don't be... this is so that

you can hear the bell
so you know in a moment

When I ring the bell!

What are you doing?
Will you come back?

We're going outside.

No, just listen to it,
you old fool!

- What?
- Listen to it!

Fire, fire,
everybody out please, fire!

Out, out.

Will you shut up?
Will you shut up?

- Is fire.
- Is not fire.

Is only bell.

Where are
you going?

Upstairs...

There isn't a drill yet,
I'm just showing them

what the bell
sounds like.

Now will you
go in there?

- Go help chef.
- Chef not here.

Well, go and
start the chips.

- Chips?
- Yes.

When bell
go again, stay.

No fire, only practice.
Tell him, Polly.

Thank you, thank you,
Ladies and Gentlemen,

thank you so much.

Perhaps
they're upstairs.

What's happening now?

(ringing stops,
telephone rings)

We're having it!

Now, are we all agreed

on what the fire bell
sounds like?

Yes.

Splendid.

Well, now that's settled,
we'll have the fire drill,

which will commence in exactly
30 seconds from now.

Thank you so much.

What are you doing?

I mean, are you just
going to stand there?

Well, what do
you suggest?

Well, couldn't one or two
of you go in the bar

and a few in the dining room?
Use your imagination!

Why?

Well, this is supposed
to be a fire drill.

There's only
a few seconds.

Right, right.
Well, stay where you are

because obviously
if there was a fire,

you'd all be standing
down here like this

in the lobby,
wouldn't you?

Don't know why we bother.
We should let you all burn!

No, no, no.

Please.
No, no, no, no.

(fire alram ringing)

Fuego! Fuego! Fuego!

Fuego! Aah!

No, no,
there aren't any, Major,

it went off
by accident.

Oh, come on, Angina.

Oh, thank you,
thank you so much.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

- No!
- Yes! S?!

Look, will you
get back in there?

Shut up! I mean, just
get on with your work!

Please, Mr. Fawlty,
is fire!

Did you hear
what I said?

No, but is fire.

Is no fire.
Is only bell.

Is fire, is fire, is fire!

(Manuel banging on door)

He thinks
there's a fire.

Everybody's out upstairs.

No, Manuel,
listen, de nada,

de nada,
there is no fire!

Is fire! Is fire!

(alarm stops)

Well, that'll keep
the fire department happy

for another six months,
why we bother...

- Fire!
- Will you shut up?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
you can come back in now.

Yes, we've just had it.

(Maunel continues to bang)
Shut up!

Yes, I will.

Have you told chef
about the cheddar?

Mr. Fawlty!
Mr. Fawlty!

Yes?
There's an awful row.

Yes, I know... right,
right, I'll deal with it.

Thank you so much for
poking your nose in where...

if you don't
stop this...

You save me!

Right. Ladies and gentlemen,

could I have everyone
down here in the lobby?

Yes, sorry, sorry to
disturb you like this,

but there is something

that I think
I ought to mention.

I'm not quite sure
how this happened,

in fact, it's never happened
at this hotel before,

and I'm not quite sure
how it's started now.

What is it?

Well, the point is,
can I put it this way?

- F...
- What?

F-fire. F-f-fire.

- Fire?
- Fire!

- Where?
- There!

Fire.

Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

Fire! I don't know
what to do!

I'll call Sybil!

- Ring the alarm.
- What?

- Ring the alarm.
- Oh, right.

Where's the key?

Where is the... I mean
would you believe it?

I mean,
would you believe it?

The first time we've ever had
a fire here in this hotel

and somebody's
lost the key!

I mean isn't that typical
of this place?

Oh, thank you, God!
Thank you so bloody much!

Smash the glass!

What?

Smash the glass.

(telephone rings)

Hello?

Thank you.
(alarm sounds)

Right, right,
out the door.

Quick, Manuel!

Pull, pull,
man, pull!

Right, open the door.

(mumbling)

Well, thank you
for coming to see me.

Not at all,
I was just...

How are you feeling?

The fire!

- It's all...
- The fire!

It's out.
There's not much damage.

Where is it,
where are they?

What are you doing?

Got to get back.

Basil, will you
get back into bed?

Yes, what is it now?!

I'm going
to call someone

if you don't
get back into bed.

Listen, Sybil, please,

I'll handle this
if you don't mind.

Now, what sort of
a room do you want?

Basil!

Oh, there you are,

I can't stand around
chattering all day,

I've got to get back.

Basil, you are not well.

The doctor says
you've got concussion.

You must rest.

I'll rest when
I get to the hotel.

I've just spoken
to Polly,

they are managing
perfectly well.

Do you know what that
fire extinguisher did?

It exploded in my face.

I mean, what is the point
of a fire extinguisher?

It sits there for months,

and when you actually
have a fire,

when you actually need
the bloody thing,

it blows your head off!

I mean, what is happening
to this country?

It's bloody Wilson!

What a lot of noise.

Now what are you doing
out of your bed?

I'm going home,
thank you so much.

Yes, well,
we'll let the doctor

decide that now,
shall we?

- No, let's not.
- Now, come along.

Don't touch me.
I don't know where you've been.

Yes, yes, we must have our
little jokes, mustn't we?

Yes, we must,
mustn't we?

My God,
you're ugly, aren't you?

Mind boggling.

Basil?

- Hmm?
- I'll get the doctor.

You need a plastic surgeon,
dear, not a doctor.

How dare you talk
to sister like that.

Get back into bed.

You do not seem
to realize

that I am needed
at the hotel.

No, you're not.

It's running beautifully
without you.

Polly cannot cope!

Well, she can't
fall over waiters,

or get herself
jammed under desks,

or start burglar alarms,

or lock people
in burning rooms,

or fire fire extinguishers
straight in her own face,

but I'd think
the hotel can do

without that sort of coping
for a couple of days.

What do you think,
Basil, hmm?

What?
Oh, hello, doctor.

Out of bed,
Mr. Fawlty?

Sort of, oh,
there they are.

Well, better get back
into bed.

Oh, feel
a little bit woozy.

You will for a time,
Mr. Fawlty, you will.

Yes, quite, quite.

You should get
as much rest as you can...

As much rest
as you can...

As much rest
as you can.

(door closes)

Gnaediges fraeulein,
koennen sie mir sagen,

Wann das mittagessen
serviert wird, bitte?

Um ein uhr.
Fuenf minuten.

- Vielen dank.
- Bitte schoen.

- Manuel?
- Oh, Mr. Fawlty.

Ah, good evening.

Are you all
right now?

Perfectly, thank you.

Take this to the room,
please, dear.

Are you sure
you're all right?

Perfectly, thank you.
Right as rain.

You okay?

Fine, thank you, dear.

You go and have
a lie down.

?Qu??

Ah, there you are.

Would you take my case...
how did you get that?

What?

Oh, never mind.
Take it, take it upstairs.

- ?Qu??
- Take it, take it.

I go get Polly.

I've already had one.

Take it.
Take it now.

God, the people I have
to deal with.

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

I beg your pardon?

(speaking German)

I'm sorry, could you
say that again?

Do you
speak German?

Oh, German!
I'm sorry.

I thought there was
something wrong with you.

Of course.

The Germans.

You speak German.

Well, a little, I get by.

Ein bisschen.

- Well, why not?
- Bitte.

Little bit tricky,

would you mind
saying it again?

"Please."

Could you repeat,

amplify... you know,
reiterate... yes?

Wir...

Wir... Yes, we'll
come back to that.

Wollen...

"Wollen..."
"Voluntary"?

Ein auto mieten.

"Out to..." "Out to..."

Oh, I see, you're volunteering
to go out to get some meat.

Not necessary.
We have meat here.

Vee haff meet hier
in ze building.

Ah, Polly, just explaining
about the meat.

We weren't
expecting you.

Oh, weren't you?

They're Germans,
don't mention the war.

I see...

Well, Mrs. Fawlty
said you were going

to have a rest for
a couple of days,

you know,
in the hospital.

Idle hands
get in the way

of the devil's work,
Fawlty. Now...

Right. Why don't you
go have a lie down?

And I can deal
with this.

Yes, yes, good idea.
Good idea, Elsie.

Yes, bit of
a headache actually.

We don't think
you're well, Mr. Fawlty.

Well, perhaps not,

but I'll live
longer than you.

You must have
hurt yourself.

My dear woman,
a blow on the head,

like that...

is worth two
in the bush.

Oh, we know, but it
was a nasty knock.

Would you like one?
Next please.

Polly, are these
Germans, too?

Oh, yes, but I can
deal with it.

Right, right.
Here's the plan:

I'll stand there
and ask them

if they want something to drink
before the war.

Before their lunch!

Before their lunch.
Don't mention the war.

Ja, ja.

- Can we help you?
- Oh, you speak English?

Of course.

Ah, wonderful!
Wunderbar! Ah.

Please allow me to
introduce myself.

I am the owner
of Fawlty Towers,

and may I welcome
your war... you war...

you all, you all,

and hope
that your stay

will be a happy one.

Now, would you like
to eat first

or would you like
a drink

before the war?

...ning... that
trespassers will be

tied up
with piano wire.

Sorry, sorry, trouble
with the old leg.

Got a touch of shrapnel
in the war.

Korean! Korean war!
Sorry, Korean.

Thank you.
We will eat now.

Oh, good, please,
do allow me.

May I say
how pleased we are

to have some
Europeans here

now that we are
on the continent?

Can I speak to
Dr. Fin, please?

Didn't vote for it myself
quite honestly,

but now that we're in,

I'm determined
to make it work,

so I'd like to welcome
you all to Britain.

The plaice is grilled,
but that doesn't matter,

there's life in
the old thing yet...

wait a moment,
got a bit confused there,

oh, yes,
the plaice is grilled...

the whole room's
warm, isn't it?

I'll open a window,
have a look...

and the veal chop
is done with rosemary...

that's funny, I thought
she'd gone to Canada...

and is delicious
and nutritious,

in fact,
it's veally good.

Veally good, ha ha!

The veal is good?

Yes, doesn't matter,
never mind.

May we have two
eggs mayonnaises, please?

Certainly. Why not?
Why not, indeed?

We are all
friends now, eh?

A prawn cocktail.

All in the market
together,

all differences forgotten,

and no need at all
to mention the war.

Sorry, sorry, sorry,
what was it again?

A prawn cocktail.

Prawn, that was it.
When you said prawn,

I thought you said war.

Oh, the war, oh, yes,
completely slipped my mind,

yes, I'd forgotten
all about it.

Hitler, Himmler
and all that lot,

yes, completely forgotten it,
just like that.

Sorry, what was
it again?

A prawn cocktail!

Oh, yes, Eva Prawn, yes,
and Goebbels too,

another one I can
hardly remember.

And a pickled herring.

Hermann Goering,
yes, yes.

And Von Ribbentrop,
that was another one.

And four cold meat
salads, please.

Certainly, I'll just
get your hors d'oeuvres,

hors d'oeuvres
which must be obeyed

at all times
without question.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Mr. Fawlty, would you please
call your wife immediately?

Sybil! Sybil...

She's in the hospital,
you silly girl.

Yes,
call her there.

I can't, I've got
too much to do.

Listen, don't
mention the war.

I mentioned it once,

but I think I got away
with it all right.

So, it's all
forgotten now

and let's hear
no more about it.

So, two eggs mayonnaise,
a prawn goebbels,

a herman goering,
and four colditz salads.

Wait a moment, I got
a bit confused here.

I got a bit confused

'cause everyone's
mentioning the war.

So, could you...
what's the matter?

It's all right.

Is there
something wrong?

Will you stop
talking about the war?

Me? You started it!

We did not start it.

Yes, you did,
you invaded Poland.

Here, blow, here,
this'll cheer you up.

You'll like this one:

There's this woman,
she's completely stupid,

she'd never
remember anything,

and her husband's
in a bomber over Berlin,

she'll love this one,
she'll laugh...

- Leave her alone.
- No, this is a scream.

I have never seen anyone
not laugh at this.

Go away!

Look, she'll love it,
she's German.

No, Mr. Fawlty!

- What?
- Do Jimmy Cagney instead.

- What?
- Jimmy Cagney.

Jimmy Cagney?

You know,
"You dirty rat."

I can't do Jimmy Cagney.

Please try,
"I'm going to get you."

Shut up.

Here, watch.

Who's this then?

I'll do the funny walk.

- Stop it!
- What?

Stop it!

I'm trying to cheer her up,
you stupid Kraut!

It's not funny
for her!

Not funny? Not funny?

You're joking!

Not for her, not for us,
not for any German people.

You have absolutely
no sense of humor, do you?

This is not funny!

Who won the bloody war
anyway?

Mr. Fawlty, you'll be
all right, come with me.

Fine.

Oh, he hit me
on the head!

No, you hit him
on the head.

You naughty moose!

However did they win?

(closing theme music)