Fawlty Towers (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 1 - A Touch of Class - full transcript
Basil is delighted when a member of the aristocracy chooses to stay at the Fawlty Towers, snubbing the normal guests who frequent the hotel. What Basil does not know, however, is that the man is not a Lord but a confidence trickster who attempts to steal his collection of rare coins. As Basil's desperation to keep such an 'upstanding' guest increases, he becomes increasingly tolerant towards the man's behavior, only to have the guest arrested in a police raid on the hotel.
One double room without bath
for the 16th, 17th and 18th.
Yes, and if you'd be so good
as to confirm by letter?
Thank you so much,
goodbye.
Have you made up the bill
for room 12, Basil?
No, I haven't
yet, no.
Well, they're
in a hurry,
Polly says they didn't
get their alarm call.
And Basil, please get
that picture up,
it's been there
for a week.
It's been there
since Monday, Sybil.
Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday,
Good morning.
Friday, Sat...
Manuel!
There is too much butter
on those trays.
Que?
There is too much butter
on those trays.
- No, no, no, Senor!
- What?
Not "on those trays."
No Sir, "Uno dos tres."
Uno, dos, tres.
No, no.
Hay mucho burro alli!
Que?
Hay mucho
burro alli!
Ah, mantequilla!
What? Que?
Mantequilla.
Burro is... is hee-haw.
What?
Burro... burro is
hee-haw, hee-haw.
Manuel, por favor.
Uno momento.
Si, si, si.
What's the
matter, Basil?
Nothing, dear,
I'm just dealing with it.
He speak good...
how do you say...?
English!
Mantequilla,
solamente, dos.
Dos?
Well, don't look at me,
you're supposed to be able to speak it.
Two pieces!
Two each!
Arriba, arriba!
I don't know why you
wanted to hire him, Basil.
Because he's cheap
and keen to learn, dear.
And in this day
and age such...
But why did you say you
could speak the language?
I learned
classical Spanish,
not the strange dialect he
seems to have picked up.
It'd be quicker to
train a monkey.
Good morning, Miss Gatsby.
Morning, Miss Tibbs.
Good morning,
good morning.
- Basil!
- Yes, dear?
Are you going to
hang the picture?
- Yes I am, dear.
- When?
When I've-
when I've...
Well, why don't
you do it now?
Well, I'm doing this, dear,
I'm doing the menu.
You've got all morning
to do the menu.
Why don't you hang
the picture now?
- Well?
- Yes, all right,
I don't think you realize
how long it takes to do the menu,
it doesn't matter,
I'll hang the picture now.
If the menus are late for lunch,
it doesn't matter,
the guests can look at the picture
till they are ready, right?
Lower.
Lower.
Up a bit.
- There!
- Thank you, dear.
I don't know where
I'd be without you.
In the land of
the living, probably.
Yes?
Uh, could we have
our bill please?
Well, can you
wait a minute?
Right, I'm afraid we're
a bit late for our train,
we didn't get
our alarm call.
Right.
I was up at 5:00,
you know,
we do have
staff problems,
I'm so sorry,
it's not all done by magic.
Basil, are you
doing the menu?
No, I'm not doing
the menu, dear.
I am doing the bill for these
charming people who are in a hurry.
I'm sorry to cause
all this trouble,
but the reason we're late
is we didn't get our alarm call.
Oh, dear, I am sorry.
Basil, why didn't they
get their alarm call?
Because I forgot.
I am so sorry
I am not perfect!
There you are,
there's the bill.
Perhaps you'd
pay my wife,
I have to put
the picture up...
If there aren't any dustbins
to be cleaned out...
Newspapers!
Goodbye.
See you again!
Don't forget
the picture, Basil.
I won't, dear,
leave it to me.
I'm going out now.
I expect it to up
when I come back.
Drive carefully, dear.
Good morning, Major.
Morning, Fawlty.
I do apologize for the
tardiness of the arrival
of your newspaper
this morning, Major.
I will speak to them again,
see if something
can be done.
Ah, more strikes.
Dustmen, post office...
It makes you want to cry,
doesn't it?
What's happened to
the old idea
of doing something for your
fellow man, of service?
- I mean, today...
- Mr. Fawlty?
Yes, I'm coming!
Wait a moment!
They treat you like dirt,
you know?
Of course it's
pure ignorance,
but with the class of
guests one gets nowadays...
Ah! D'olivera
made a hundred!
Did he?
Did he really?
Good for him,
good old dolly.
Well, well, well...
Thank you, Polly.
We're only staying
till Sunday!
Right, thank you.
Ah, I thought you were
going out, dear.
What's this?
I decided, Sybil,
to advertise.
How much
did it cost?
Oh, I haven't... 15?
- Forty.
- Forty.
I have told you
where we advertise.
Sybil, I know
the hotel business.
No you don't, Basil.
Sybil, we've got to
try and attract
a better class of person.
Why?
We're losing tone.
We're making money.
- Yes, yes.
- Just.
Yes, but now we can
try and build up
a higher class of clientele!
Turn away some
of the riffraff.
So long as they pay
their bills, Basil.
Is that all that matters to you?
Money?
This advertisement
is a waste of ?-40.
One moment!
One moment, please!
- Well?
- Well?
My dear woman, Sir Richard
and Lady Morris,
arriving this evening.
For two nights.
You see, they saw our
advertisement in country life.
I wish they were
staying a week.
- Well, so do I.
- Might pay for the ad then.
Sybil, look!
If we can attract
this class of customer,
I mean, the sky's
the limit!
Basil, 22 rooms
is the limit!
I mean, have you seen
the people in room six?
They've never even
sat on chairs before.
They are the commonest,
vulgarest, most...
Allo!
Got a room?
I beg your pardon?
Got a room
for tonight, mate?
I shall have
to see, sir...
- A single?
- Yeah.
No, make it a double,
I feel lucky today!
- Hello.
- Good morning.
Only joking.
- No, we haven't.
- What?
Haven't any rooms.
Good day.
Number seven is
free, Basil.
Mr. Tone is in
number seven, dear.
No, he left while you were
putting the picture up, Basil.
You have
luggage, Sir?
Just one case.
In the car...
The white sports.
Fill this in,
would you, Sir?
If you can.
Hope you enjoy
your stay, Mr. Brown.
Uh, Manuel,
would you fetch
this gentleman's case
from the car outside?
Take it to room seven?
- Is not easy for me.
- What?
Is not easy for me...
entender
It's not easy for
you to understand.
Manuel... we're
training him.
He's from Barcelona.
In Spain.
Obtener la valisa...
- Que?
- La valisa en el,
er, auto
bianco sportiv.
Y... a la sala...
Siete... por favor.
Pronto.
Is impossible.
- What?
- Is impossible.
Look, it's
perfectly simple!
Manuel-sirvase buscar mi
equipaje que esta en el
automovil blanco y lo traer
a la sala numero siete.
Senor
habla espanol!
Solo un poco,
lo siento.
Pero he
olvidado mucho.
No, no,
habla muy bien.
Muy muy bien.
Formidable!
Gracias, gracias.
Lo voy a
coger ahora.
Well, if there's
anything else,
I'm sure Manuel will
be able to tell you,
as you seem to get on
so well together.
Key?
Hello, dear, just
doing the picture.
Don't forget
the menu.
I beg your pardon?
Don't forget the menu.
I thought you
said you wanted...
Right!
I'll do the menu.
You could have had
them both done by now
if you hadn't spent
the whole morning
skulking in there
listening to that racket.
Racket?
That's Brahms!
Brahms's Third racket!
The whole morning?
I had two bars.
Ready to order?
Uh, yeah.
What's a gralefrit?
Grapefruit.
And creme pot...
Pot rouge?
Portugaise.
Tomato soup.
I'll have the gralefrit.
Now balm carousel... Lamb?
Casserole.
Sounds good.
Does it come with a smile?
It comes with
sprouts or carrots.
Oh, smile's extra, is it?
You'll get one if you
eat up all your sprouts.
Waiter!
I beg your pardon?
Oh, hello.
Can I have
some wine, please?
The waiter
is busy, Sir,
but I will bring you
the carte des vins
when I have finished
attending to this Gentleman.
Oh, fine.
No hurry.
Oh, good, how nice,
how very thoughtful.
I trust the beer is to
your satisfaction, Sir?
Yes, fine.
Ah, good.
May I wish you bon apetit.
Thank you.
Manuel!
Senor.
Would you fetch
the wine list please?
Si, Senor.
- The wine list.
- Si?
- The wine... vino.
- Senor.
No, no. The list!
There, there, the list!
The list, there!
The red... there!
There!
Have you got a half
bottle of the beaujolais?
Yes.
Oh, fine.
Right! Never mind!
Never mind!
Manuel, another grapefruit
for table 12.
Please... Manuel!
I do beg your pardon.
I'm so sorry.
- Throw it away.
- Que?
Throw... it... away!
Throw... it...
away?
Throw it away!
Now!
Sorry!
Sorry, sorry!
Sorry about that.
Sorry about that.
No, I like a bit
of cabaret.
You left
your sketch.
Oh! Sorry.
It's very good.
Do you sell any?
Enough to keep me
in waitressing.
One half bottle
of beaujolais.
Sybil!
Someone at
reception, dear.
Yes, yes,
well, yes?
Well, I was wondering if
you could offer me
accommodation for
a few nights?
Well, have
you booked?
- I'm sorry?
- Have you booked?
- No.
- Oh, dear!
Why, are you full?
Oh, we're not full,
we're not full.
Of course we're not full!
- I'd like, ah...
- One moment, please.
- Yes?
- A single room with a...
Could I have your name?
- Melbury.
- One second, please.
Hello?
Ah, yes, Mr. O'reilly,
well, it's perfectly simple.
When I asked you
to build me a wall,
I was hoping that instead of just dumping
the bricks in a pile,
you might have found time
to cement them together,
you know, one on top
of the other,
in the traditional fashion.
Could you fill it in, please?
Oh, splendid!
Ah, yes, but when,
Mr. O'reilly?
There, there!
Yes, yes, yes,
but when?
Yes, yes, ah,
the flu, yes.
Both names, please.
Yes, I should have
guessed, Mr. O'reilly,
that and the potato
famine I suppose.
I beg your pardon?
Would you put both
your names, please?
Well, will you
give me a date?
Yeah, I only use one.
You don't have
a first name?
No, I am Lord Melbury,
so I simply sign "Melbury".
Go away.
I'm so sorry to have kept
you waiting, your Lordship.
I do apologize,
please forgive me.
Is there something,
anything, I can do for you?
Anything at all?
Well, I have
filled this in...
Oh, please don't
bother with that.
- Now, a room?
- A special room, a single?
A double?
A suite?
Well, we don't
have any suites,
but we do have some
beautiful doubles...
No, no, just a single.
Just a single.
Absolutely!
How very wise if I may
say so, your honor.
With a bath?
Naturally, naturally!
Naturellement!
I shall be staying for
one or two nights...
Manuel!
It's rather grey
today, isn't it?
Oh, yes,
it is, rather.
Of course usually down here
it's quite beautiful,
but today is a real
old, uh, rotter.
Manuel!
Still, it's good
for the wheat.
Yes, I suppose so.
I hear it's coming along
wonderfully at the moment!
Thank God!
I love the wheat.
There's no sight like
a field of wheat waving
in the... waving
in... Manuel!
Well, how are you?
I mean if it's not
a personal question.
Well, it is
a personal...
Let me take your
cases for you.
Oh, thank you
very much.
- They're just outside.
- Splendid.
Thank you so much.
I won't be one moment.
Ah, Lord Melbury.
May I introduce my wife?
Yes, we have met.
My wife, may I
introduce his Lordship.
Thank you, Basil,
we've sorted it out.
Splendid, splendid.
I wonder, could I deposit this
case with you?
It's just a few valuables?
Valuables, of course.
Please let me take it now.
I'll put it in the safe
straightaway.
Sybil, would you put this
in the safe, please?
I'm just off to
the kitchen, Basil.
Yes, well, if
you're too busy...
Nice to have met you,
Lord Melbury.
- Hope you enjoy your stay.
- Thank you so much.
I'll do it then,
then I'll do the picture...
I'll put this away in
one moment, your Lord.
Manuel, will you take
these cases to room 21.
Que?
Take...
to room... 21.
No entender.
Prenda las casos en...
Oh, doesn't matter.
I'll do it.
Thank you manuel.
- I take them.
- No, no, go away!
Go and wait!
- Wait?
- Wait.
In there!
Go and wait In there!
Go and be a
waiter in there!
I do apologize,
your Lordship.
I'm afraid he's only
just joined us.
It'd be quicker to train
a monkey, ha ha ha!
Do please follow me...
I mean, if you're ready.
There's no hurry.
Oh, yes, yes, fine.
Excuse me, I'm sorry
to bother you.
Would you mind
moving to that table?
What?
Could I askyou please,
to move to that table over there?
But...
I'm so sorry
to trouble you.
- We're halfway through!
- Thank you so much.
This is Lord Melbury's
table, you see?
- What?
- Lord Melbury.
When he stays with us,
he always sits at this table.
Well, why did
they put us here?
Uh, an oversight
on my wife's part.
I'm so sorry.
He's only just arrived, you see.
Would you mind?
Polly!
Would you help these
people to that table?
Thank you,
thank you so much.
Come on!
Come on!
Thank you.
Ah, Lord Melbury!
Do please come this way,
your Lordship,
I have your table over
here by the window.
As usual...
just here.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you very much.
Oh, my God!
I think he's
killed him!
Get on with your meals!
Thank you so much.
Lord Melbury, I really
must apologize again...
Please, please,
think nothing of it.
- But it was so...
- No, no, no.
It was the
smallest of accidents.
It could have
occurred anywhere.
- Yes, but...
- I've forgotten all about it.
That's most... You're really...
Ah, your Lordship,
would you allow me
to offer you
dinner here tonight,
as our guest?
That's extremely
kind of you.
Unfortunately, I have
an engagement tonight.
- Oh.
- Oh, actually...
- Yes?
- There is one thing.
Good! Good!
I was wondering...
can you cash me a small check?
I'm playing golf
this afternoon...
Oh, delighted!
And I'd rather not
go into the town.
Absolutely... I mean,
uh, how much?
Uh, if it's not
a rude question?
Could you manage
50... oh! 100?
A hundred?
Oh, absolutely.
Oh, yes, I mean,
will 100 be enough?
I mean 150,
two, 160?
Let's see, that's uh,
dinner tonight, few tips...
Oh, and it's the
weekend, isn't it?
Would 200
be all right?
Please! Yes! Oh, ha, ha!
Oh, tremendous!
Oh, I'm so happy!
I'll send someone to
the town straightaway
and have it for you here
when you get back.
Yes, well,
that would be splendid.
Thank you, thank you,
your Lordship.
Thank you so much.
Oh, not at all,
my privilege.
Breeding...
I mean... oh!
Hello, dear.
- What are you doing?
- I'm kissing you, dear.
Well, don't.
Just thought it might
be nice to...
I heard
about lunch.
What? Oh, that!
Think nothing of it.
What?
It was the smallest
of accidents.
- Could have happened anywhere.
- Anywhere?
First you move that nice family
in the middle of their meal,
and then you attack
Lord Melbury with a chair!
Look, Sybil,
I've had a word with
Lord Melbury about it.
He was quite
charming...
Oh, it's delightful to have
people like that staying here.
Sheer class, golf,
baths, engagements,
a couple of
hundr... h... h... horses.
Well, I've never seen
such tatty cases.
Of course
you haven't.
It's only the
true upper class
that would have
tat like that.
It's the whole point!
Oh, you don't know what
I'm talking about.
No, I don't.
But don't ever move guests
in the middle
of a meal again.
And get that
picture up.
Sour old rat.
Ah! Polly.
Would you do
me a favor?
When you're down in
the town this afternoon,
would you
just pop...
just between
ourselves,
don't mention this
to my wife,
pop into the bank
and just...
Could somebody
answer that, please?
Hello!
Is there nobody
who can answer that?
There must
be someone.
Not you.
I'll never get it up.
I'll cancel my holiday,
do it then.
Hello, Fawlty Towers?
Hello, Fawlty Towers.
Oh, hello, Brenda.
Basil, it's 6:00.
Ah, Polly...
did you cash it?
- Yes, Mr. Fawlty?
- Good, good.
- Could I have a word with you?
- What?
- Could I speak to you for just a minute?
- Not now, polly!
- It's very important.
- Later! Later!
- Basil!
- I'm just going, dear.
Thank you, thank you
so much, Polly.
Ah, good evening, Major.
Evening, Fawlty.
The usual?
Oh, why not?
Indeed, yes.
Why not?
I've just been watching
one of those nature
films on television.
Oh, yes?
Did you know
the female gibbon
gestates for
seven months?
Seven months?
Well I never...
Here you are, Major.
Seven... my word.
Ah, Good Evening,
Mr. Wareing.
A gin and orange, a lemon squash
and a scotch and water, please.
Certainly.
Is there any part
of the room
you'd like us to
keep away from?
What?
We'll be over there, then.
Seven!
Well, well...
Evening, Fawlty.
Ah, Good Evening,
Lord Melbury.
- Anywhere?
- Yes, anywhere, anywhere.
Lord Melbury, may I offer you
a little apertif as our guest?
That's very kind of you.
Dry sherry, if you please.
What else?
Such...
Oh, I don't know what.
Je ne sais quoi?
Exactly! Exactly!
Ah, there you are, Sybil.
Good evening, Major.
Evening,
Mrs. Fawlty.
- There you are, your Lordship.
- Ah, thank you very much.
I see my little
collection of
coins tickles
your interest.
What?
Oh, yes, yes.
All British Empire
of course.
Used to be quite
a hobby of mine.
Little investment too.
Quite.
Talking about, um,
- Did you manage to...
- Oh yes.
- There you are, your Lordship.
- Oh, Thank you, yes.
Yes, you know,
these sorts of things,
their value's soared this
last couple of years.
Have they really?
Oh, yes.
You take my advice.
Get them revalued,
and insure them for
the full amount.
Yes, yes, I will.
You can't take any risks
nowadays, I'm afraid.
- No, no, quite.
- Well, I must be off.
Thank you very much,
your Lordship.
Basil!
Yes, yes, I was just talking
to Lord Melbury, dear.
A gin and orange, a lemon squash
and a scotch and water, please!
I do apologize, I was just
talking to Lord...
Fawlty!
I was thinking...
You see, I am having
dinner tonight
with the duke of Buckleigh,
do you know him?
Not personally, no.
He's a great expert,
you know, Sotheby's
and all that.
Is he?
Now if you like,
I could take them with me,
ask him to have
a quick look at them,
and find their
current value.
- Would you really?
- Yes, yes, certainly.
Well, I'll be off
in a few moments.
- Well, that's really so...
- Basil!
I'm talking to Lord Melbury!
A gin and orange, a lemon squash
and a scotch and water, please!
All right!
All right!
Oh, Mr. Fawlty...
Was that Lord Melbury?
Has he gone?
I rang, Mr. Fawlty,
I must speak with you.
- Can't you see I'm busy?
- It's very important.
- Can we talk in there?
- I can't.
- Basil!
- It's very important!
I'm dealing with something
important out here, Sybil.
Yes? Yes, right, well,
yes, yes, what is it?
- It's about Lord Melbury.
- Yes?
He's not
Lord Melbury,
he's a confidence
trickster.
I beg your pardon?
Mr. Brown told me.
Oh!
Mr. Brown's
from the C.I.D.
They've been
watching Melbury
because he's pulling some
big con trick in the town.
They're going to arrest
him when he leaves here,
so as not to cause
you embarrassment.
But he asked me
to tell you...
Oh, how nice of him!
Please, Mr. Fawlty...
Oh, I don't know
what other tales
Mr. Brown of M.I.5 has been
impressing you with.
- He's a con man!
- Oh, yes, of course,
it stands out
a mile, doesn't it?
He's so common.
Unlike that cockney git
whose ulterior motive
poor, innocent,
misguided child that you are.
Basil, what's
going on?
Nothing, my dear,
nothing at all.
- Mrs. Fawlty...
- Yes, Polly?
- I don't know what she's...
- Basil!
Mr. Brown is
from the C.I.D.
He showed me
identification.
They're watching Melbury.
He's a confidence trickster.
I see.
What do you mean,
you see?
Let's have a look
at these valuables.
What are you
doing, Sybil?
Sybil, I forbid you
to open that safe!
Sybil, I forbid you
to take that case out!
Sybil, do not open
that case, I forbid it!
I never thought I would
live to see the day
when a peer
of the realm,
entrusts to us,
a case of valuables...
In trust...
I'll call the police.
They're already here,
Mr. Brown's outside.
Someone at
reception, Basil?
Ah! All right.
Ah... Good evening.
I believe you
were expecting us.
No, I was expecting
somebody else.
Sir Richard
and Lady Morris.
Yes, yes, them as well.
I'm sorry?
- How did you know?
- What?
Oh... You're Sir Richard
and Lady Morris,
I do beg
your pardon.
I was just think...
Would you mind filling
this out, please?
We've given you room...
aha!
Ah, Fawlty!
Mr. Fawlty to you,
Lord Melbury.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, nothing,
please forget all about it.
Here's the check
for ?-200.
Ah, thank you
so much.
Now, about my priceless
collection of coins?
Oh, yes, ah,
do you still...
Do I still want
you to take them
to be valued by the Duke
of Buckleigh, my Lord?
- Ah, yes.
- No, I don't.
Because we've
just heard
that the duke
of Buckleigh is dead!
Yes, got his head knocked off
by a golf ball.
Tragic! Tragic!
Well, how are you,
Lord Melbury?
'ow are yer then?
All right, mate?
'ow's me
old mucker?
Any valuables to deposit,
Sir Richard?
Any bricks?
I do apologize...
You bastard!
We've given
you room 12
with the view
overlooking the park...
I'm sure you'll
like it...
We'll have your
bags brought up...
And may I
introduce your wife?
Hello, Lord Melbury!
- Bastard!
- Basil!
Please think
nothing of it.
Do please excuse me
one moment.
Basil, the morrises
are leaving.
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
We're leaving!
Oh, don't, please stay,
you'll like it here.
I've never been in such
a place in my life.
You snobs!
You stupid, stuck-up,
toffee-nosed, half-witted...
upper-class
piles of... pus!
- Sorry, Mr. Fawlty.
- Just one, please.
Sorry, Mr. Fawlty.
Well, I'd better put
the picture up.
Oh, thank You, Polly,
for the...
- Well done, Manuel.
- Que?
Oh... Ole.
Sorry about that,
Mr. Fawlty.
Can I buy you
a drink?
No, no, I'd better put
this up, I suppose.
Basil!
A gin and orange,
a lemon squash and a
scotch and water, please!
Right!
Come on.
for the 16th, 17th and 18th.
Yes, and if you'd be so good
as to confirm by letter?
Thank you so much,
goodbye.
Have you made up the bill
for room 12, Basil?
No, I haven't
yet, no.
Well, they're
in a hurry,
Polly says they didn't
get their alarm call.
And Basil, please get
that picture up,
it's been there
for a week.
It's been there
since Monday, Sybil.
Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday,
Good morning.
Friday, Sat...
Manuel!
There is too much butter
on those trays.
Que?
There is too much butter
on those trays.
- No, no, no, Senor!
- What?
Not "on those trays."
No Sir, "Uno dos tres."
Uno, dos, tres.
No, no.
Hay mucho burro alli!
Que?
Hay mucho
burro alli!
Ah, mantequilla!
What? Que?
Mantequilla.
Burro is... is hee-haw.
What?
Burro... burro is
hee-haw, hee-haw.
Manuel, por favor.
Uno momento.
Si, si, si.
What's the
matter, Basil?
Nothing, dear,
I'm just dealing with it.
He speak good...
how do you say...?
English!
Mantequilla,
solamente, dos.
Dos?
Well, don't look at me,
you're supposed to be able to speak it.
Two pieces!
Two each!
Arriba, arriba!
I don't know why you
wanted to hire him, Basil.
Because he's cheap
and keen to learn, dear.
And in this day
and age such...
But why did you say you
could speak the language?
I learned
classical Spanish,
not the strange dialect he
seems to have picked up.
It'd be quicker to
train a monkey.
Good morning, Miss Gatsby.
Morning, Miss Tibbs.
Good morning,
good morning.
- Basil!
- Yes, dear?
Are you going to
hang the picture?
- Yes I am, dear.
- When?
When I've-
when I've...
Well, why don't
you do it now?
Well, I'm doing this, dear,
I'm doing the menu.
You've got all morning
to do the menu.
Why don't you hang
the picture now?
- Well?
- Yes, all right,
I don't think you realize
how long it takes to do the menu,
it doesn't matter,
I'll hang the picture now.
If the menus are late for lunch,
it doesn't matter,
the guests can look at the picture
till they are ready, right?
Lower.
Lower.
Up a bit.
- There!
- Thank you, dear.
I don't know where
I'd be without you.
In the land of
the living, probably.
Yes?
Uh, could we have
our bill please?
Well, can you
wait a minute?
Right, I'm afraid we're
a bit late for our train,
we didn't get
our alarm call.
Right.
I was up at 5:00,
you know,
we do have
staff problems,
I'm so sorry,
it's not all done by magic.
Basil, are you
doing the menu?
No, I'm not doing
the menu, dear.
I am doing the bill for these
charming people who are in a hurry.
I'm sorry to cause
all this trouble,
but the reason we're late
is we didn't get our alarm call.
Oh, dear, I am sorry.
Basil, why didn't they
get their alarm call?
Because I forgot.
I am so sorry
I am not perfect!
There you are,
there's the bill.
Perhaps you'd
pay my wife,
I have to put
the picture up...
If there aren't any dustbins
to be cleaned out...
Newspapers!
Goodbye.
See you again!
Don't forget
the picture, Basil.
I won't, dear,
leave it to me.
I'm going out now.
I expect it to up
when I come back.
Drive carefully, dear.
Good morning, Major.
Morning, Fawlty.
I do apologize for the
tardiness of the arrival
of your newspaper
this morning, Major.
I will speak to them again,
see if something
can be done.
Ah, more strikes.
Dustmen, post office...
It makes you want to cry,
doesn't it?
What's happened to
the old idea
of doing something for your
fellow man, of service?
- I mean, today...
- Mr. Fawlty?
Yes, I'm coming!
Wait a moment!
They treat you like dirt,
you know?
Of course it's
pure ignorance,
but with the class of
guests one gets nowadays...
Ah! D'olivera
made a hundred!
Did he?
Did he really?
Good for him,
good old dolly.
Well, well, well...
Thank you, Polly.
We're only staying
till Sunday!
Right, thank you.
Ah, I thought you were
going out, dear.
What's this?
I decided, Sybil,
to advertise.
How much
did it cost?
Oh, I haven't... 15?
- Forty.
- Forty.
I have told you
where we advertise.
Sybil, I know
the hotel business.
No you don't, Basil.
Sybil, we've got to
try and attract
a better class of person.
Why?
We're losing tone.
We're making money.
- Yes, yes.
- Just.
Yes, but now we can
try and build up
a higher class of clientele!
Turn away some
of the riffraff.
So long as they pay
their bills, Basil.
Is that all that matters to you?
Money?
This advertisement
is a waste of ?-40.
One moment!
One moment, please!
- Well?
- Well?
My dear woman, Sir Richard
and Lady Morris,
arriving this evening.
For two nights.
You see, they saw our
advertisement in country life.
I wish they were
staying a week.
- Well, so do I.
- Might pay for the ad then.
Sybil, look!
If we can attract
this class of customer,
I mean, the sky's
the limit!
Basil, 22 rooms
is the limit!
I mean, have you seen
the people in room six?
They've never even
sat on chairs before.
They are the commonest,
vulgarest, most...
Allo!
Got a room?
I beg your pardon?
Got a room
for tonight, mate?
I shall have
to see, sir...
- A single?
- Yeah.
No, make it a double,
I feel lucky today!
- Hello.
- Good morning.
Only joking.
- No, we haven't.
- What?
Haven't any rooms.
Good day.
Number seven is
free, Basil.
Mr. Tone is in
number seven, dear.
No, he left while you were
putting the picture up, Basil.
You have
luggage, Sir?
Just one case.
In the car...
The white sports.
Fill this in,
would you, Sir?
If you can.
Hope you enjoy
your stay, Mr. Brown.
Uh, Manuel,
would you fetch
this gentleman's case
from the car outside?
Take it to room seven?
- Is not easy for me.
- What?
Is not easy for me...
entender
It's not easy for
you to understand.
Manuel... we're
training him.
He's from Barcelona.
In Spain.
Obtener la valisa...
- Que?
- La valisa en el,
er, auto
bianco sportiv.
Y... a la sala...
Siete... por favor.
Pronto.
Is impossible.
- What?
- Is impossible.
Look, it's
perfectly simple!
Manuel-sirvase buscar mi
equipaje que esta en el
automovil blanco y lo traer
a la sala numero siete.
Senor
habla espanol!
Solo un poco,
lo siento.
Pero he
olvidado mucho.
No, no,
habla muy bien.
Muy muy bien.
Formidable!
Gracias, gracias.
Lo voy a
coger ahora.
Well, if there's
anything else,
I'm sure Manuel will
be able to tell you,
as you seem to get on
so well together.
Key?
Hello, dear, just
doing the picture.
Don't forget
the menu.
I beg your pardon?
Don't forget the menu.
I thought you
said you wanted...
Right!
I'll do the menu.
You could have had
them both done by now
if you hadn't spent
the whole morning
skulking in there
listening to that racket.
Racket?
That's Brahms!
Brahms's Third racket!
The whole morning?
I had two bars.
Ready to order?
Uh, yeah.
What's a gralefrit?
Grapefruit.
And creme pot...
Pot rouge?
Portugaise.
Tomato soup.
I'll have the gralefrit.
Now balm carousel... Lamb?
Casserole.
Sounds good.
Does it come with a smile?
It comes with
sprouts or carrots.
Oh, smile's extra, is it?
You'll get one if you
eat up all your sprouts.
Waiter!
I beg your pardon?
Oh, hello.
Can I have
some wine, please?
The waiter
is busy, Sir,
but I will bring you
the carte des vins
when I have finished
attending to this Gentleman.
Oh, fine.
No hurry.
Oh, good, how nice,
how very thoughtful.
I trust the beer is to
your satisfaction, Sir?
Yes, fine.
Ah, good.
May I wish you bon apetit.
Thank you.
Manuel!
Senor.
Would you fetch
the wine list please?
Si, Senor.
- The wine list.
- Si?
- The wine... vino.
- Senor.
No, no. The list!
There, there, the list!
The list, there!
The red... there!
There!
Have you got a half
bottle of the beaujolais?
Yes.
Oh, fine.
Right! Never mind!
Never mind!
Manuel, another grapefruit
for table 12.
Please... Manuel!
I do beg your pardon.
I'm so sorry.
- Throw it away.
- Que?
Throw... it... away!
Throw... it...
away?
Throw it away!
Now!
Sorry!
Sorry, sorry!
Sorry about that.
Sorry about that.
No, I like a bit
of cabaret.
You left
your sketch.
Oh! Sorry.
It's very good.
Do you sell any?
Enough to keep me
in waitressing.
One half bottle
of beaujolais.
Sybil!
Someone at
reception, dear.
Yes, yes,
well, yes?
Well, I was wondering if
you could offer me
accommodation for
a few nights?
Well, have
you booked?
- I'm sorry?
- Have you booked?
- No.
- Oh, dear!
Why, are you full?
Oh, we're not full,
we're not full.
Of course we're not full!
- I'd like, ah...
- One moment, please.
- Yes?
- A single room with a...
Could I have your name?
- Melbury.
- One second, please.
Hello?
Ah, yes, Mr. O'reilly,
well, it's perfectly simple.
When I asked you
to build me a wall,
I was hoping that instead of just dumping
the bricks in a pile,
you might have found time
to cement them together,
you know, one on top
of the other,
in the traditional fashion.
Could you fill it in, please?
Oh, splendid!
Ah, yes, but when,
Mr. O'reilly?
There, there!
Yes, yes, yes,
but when?
Yes, yes, ah,
the flu, yes.
Both names, please.
Yes, I should have
guessed, Mr. O'reilly,
that and the potato
famine I suppose.
I beg your pardon?
Would you put both
your names, please?
Well, will you
give me a date?
Yeah, I only use one.
You don't have
a first name?
No, I am Lord Melbury,
so I simply sign "Melbury".
Go away.
I'm so sorry to have kept
you waiting, your Lordship.
I do apologize,
please forgive me.
Is there something,
anything, I can do for you?
Anything at all?
Well, I have
filled this in...
Oh, please don't
bother with that.
- Now, a room?
- A special room, a single?
A double?
A suite?
Well, we don't
have any suites,
but we do have some
beautiful doubles...
No, no, just a single.
Just a single.
Absolutely!
How very wise if I may
say so, your honor.
With a bath?
Naturally, naturally!
Naturellement!
I shall be staying for
one or two nights...
Manuel!
It's rather grey
today, isn't it?
Oh, yes,
it is, rather.
Of course usually down here
it's quite beautiful,
but today is a real
old, uh, rotter.
Manuel!
Still, it's good
for the wheat.
Yes, I suppose so.
I hear it's coming along
wonderfully at the moment!
Thank God!
I love the wheat.
There's no sight like
a field of wheat waving
in the... waving
in... Manuel!
Well, how are you?
I mean if it's not
a personal question.
Well, it is
a personal...
Let me take your
cases for you.
Oh, thank you
very much.
- They're just outside.
- Splendid.
Thank you so much.
I won't be one moment.
Ah, Lord Melbury.
May I introduce my wife?
Yes, we have met.
My wife, may I
introduce his Lordship.
Thank you, Basil,
we've sorted it out.
Splendid, splendid.
I wonder, could I deposit this
case with you?
It's just a few valuables?
Valuables, of course.
Please let me take it now.
I'll put it in the safe
straightaway.
Sybil, would you put this
in the safe, please?
I'm just off to
the kitchen, Basil.
Yes, well, if
you're too busy...
Nice to have met you,
Lord Melbury.
- Hope you enjoy your stay.
- Thank you so much.
I'll do it then,
then I'll do the picture...
I'll put this away in
one moment, your Lord.
Manuel, will you take
these cases to room 21.
Que?
Take...
to room... 21.
No entender.
Prenda las casos en...
Oh, doesn't matter.
I'll do it.
Thank you manuel.
- I take them.
- No, no, go away!
Go and wait!
- Wait?
- Wait.
In there!
Go and wait In there!
Go and be a
waiter in there!
I do apologize,
your Lordship.
I'm afraid he's only
just joined us.
It'd be quicker to train
a monkey, ha ha ha!
Do please follow me...
I mean, if you're ready.
There's no hurry.
Oh, yes, yes, fine.
Excuse me, I'm sorry
to bother you.
Would you mind
moving to that table?
What?
Could I askyou please,
to move to that table over there?
But...
I'm so sorry
to trouble you.
- We're halfway through!
- Thank you so much.
This is Lord Melbury's
table, you see?
- What?
- Lord Melbury.
When he stays with us,
he always sits at this table.
Well, why did
they put us here?
Uh, an oversight
on my wife's part.
I'm so sorry.
He's only just arrived, you see.
Would you mind?
Polly!
Would you help these
people to that table?
Thank you,
thank you so much.
Come on!
Come on!
Thank you.
Ah, Lord Melbury!
Do please come this way,
your Lordship,
I have your table over
here by the window.
As usual...
just here.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you very much.
Oh, my God!
I think he's
killed him!
Get on with your meals!
Thank you so much.
Lord Melbury, I really
must apologize again...
Please, please,
think nothing of it.
- But it was so...
- No, no, no.
It was the
smallest of accidents.
It could have
occurred anywhere.
- Yes, but...
- I've forgotten all about it.
That's most... You're really...
Ah, your Lordship,
would you allow me
to offer you
dinner here tonight,
as our guest?
That's extremely
kind of you.
Unfortunately, I have
an engagement tonight.
- Oh.
- Oh, actually...
- Yes?
- There is one thing.
Good! Good!
I was wondering...
can you cash me a small check?
I'm playing golf
this afternoon...
Oh, delighted!
And I'd rather not
go into the town.
Absolutely... I mean,
uh, how much?
Uh, if it's not
a rude question?
Could you manage
50... oh! 100?
A hundred?
Oh, absolutely.
Oh, yes, I mean,
will 100 be enough?
I mean 150,
two, 160?
Let's see, that's uh,
dinner tonight, few tips...
Oh, and it's the
weekend, isn't it?
Would 200
be all right?
Please! Yes! Oh, ha, ha!
Oh, tremendous!
Oh, I'm so happy!
I'll send someone to
the town straightaway
and have it for you here
when you get back.
Yes, well,
that would be splendid.
Thank you, thank you,
your Lordship.
Thank you so much.
Oh, not at all,
my privilege.
Breeding...
I mean... oh!
Hello, dear.
- What are you doing?
- I'm kissing you, dear.
Well, don't.
Just thought it might
be nice to...
I heard
about lunch.
What? Oh, that!
Think nothing of it.
What?
It was the smallest
of accidents.
- Could have happened anywhere.
- Anywhere?
First you move that nice family
in the middle of their meal,
and then you attack
Lord Melbury with a chair!
Look, Sybil,
I've had a word with
Lord Melbury about it.
He was quite
charming...
Oh, it's delightful to have
people like that staying here.
Sheer class, golf,
baths, engagements,
a couple of
hundr... h... h... horses.
Well, I've never seen
such tatty cases.
Of course
you haven't.
It's only the
true upper class
that would have
tat like that.
It's the whole point!
Oh, you don't know what
I'm talking about.
No, I don't.
But don't ever move guests
in the middle
of a meal again.
And get that
picture up.
Sour old rat.
Ah! Polly.
Would you do
me a favor?
When you're down in
the town this afternoon,
would you
just pop...
just between
ourselves,
don't mention this
to my wife,
pop into the bank
and just...
Could somebody
answer that, please?
Hello!
Is there nobody
who can answer that?
There must
be someone.
Not you.
I'll never get it up.
I'll cancel my holiday,
do it then.
Hello, Fawlty Towers?
Hello, Fawlty Towers.
Oh, hello, Brenda.
Basil, it's 6:00.
Ah, Polly...
did you cash it?
- Yes, Mr. Fawlty?
- Good, good.
- Could I have a word with you?
- What?
- Could I speak to you for just a minute?
- Not now, polly!
- It's very important.
- Later! Later!
- Basil!
- I'm just going, dear.
Thank you, thank you
so much, Polly.
Ah, good evening, Major.
Evening, Fawlty.
The usual?
Oh, why not?
Indeed, yes.
Why not?
I've just been watching
one of those nature
films on television.
Oh, yes?
Did you know
the female gibbon
gestates for
seven months?
Seven months?
Well I never...
Here you are, Major.
Seven... my word.
Ah, Good Evening,
Mr. Wareing.
A gin and orange, a lemon squash
and a scotch and water, please.
Certainly.
Is there any part
of the room
you'd like us to
keep away from?
What?
We'll be over there, then.
Seven!
Well, well...
Evening, Fawlty.
Ah, Good Evening,
Lord Melbury.
- Anywhere?
- Yes, anywhere, anywhere.
Lord Melbury, may I offer you
a little apertif as our guest?
That's very kind of you.
Dry sherry, if you please.
What else?
Such...
Oh, I don't know what.
Je ne sais quoi?
Exactly! Exactly!
Ah, there you are, Sybil.
Good evening, Major.
Evening,
Mrs. Fawlty.
- There you are, your Lordship.
- Ah, thank you very much.
I see my little
collection of
coins tickles
your interest.
What?
Oh, yes, yes.
All British Empire
of course.
Used to be quite
a hobby of mine.
Little investment too.
Quite.
Talking about, um,
- Did you manage to...
- Oh yes.
- There you are, your Lordship.
- Oh, Thank you, yes.
Yes, you know,
these sorts of things,
their value's soared this
last couple of years.
Have they really?
Oh, yes.
You take my advice.
Get them revalued,
and insure them for
the full amount.
Yes, yes, I will.
You can't take any risks
nowadays, I'm afraid.
- No, no, quite.
- Well, I must be off.
Thank you very much,
your Lordship.
Basil!
Yes, yes, I was just talking
to Lord Melbury, dear.
A gin and orange, a lemon squash
and a scotch and water, please!
I do apologize, I was just
talking to Lord...
Fawlty!
I was thinking...
You see, I am having
dinner tonight
with the duke of Buckleigh,
do you know him?
Not personally, no.
He's a great expert,
you know, Sotheby's
and all that.
Is he?
Now if you like,
I could take them with me,
ask him to have
a quick look at them,
and find their
current value.
- Would you really?
- Yes, yes, certainly.
Well, I'll be off
in a few moments.
- Well, that's really so...
- Basil!
I'm talking to Lord Melbury!
A gin and orange, a lemon squash
and a scotch and water, please!
All right!
All right!
Oh, Mr. Fawlty...
Was that Lord Melbury?
Has he gone?
I rang, Mr. Fawlty,
I must speak with you.
- Can't you see I'm busy?
- It's very important.
- Can we talk in there?
- I can't.
- Basil!
- It's very important!
I'm dealing with something
important out here, Sybil.
Yes? Yes, right, well,
yes, yes, what is it?
- It's about Lord Melbury.
- Yes?
He's not
Lord Melbury,
he's a confidence
trickster.
I beg your pardon?
Mr. Brown told me.
Oh!
Mr. Brown's
from the C.I.D.
They've been
watching Melbury
because he's pulling some
big con trick in the town.
They're going to arrest
him when he leaves here,
so as not to cause
you embarrassment.
But he asked me
to tell you...
Oh, how nice of him!
Please, Mr. Fawlty...
Oh, I don't know
what other tales
Mr. Brown of M.I.5 has been
impressing you with.
- He's a con man!
- Oh, yes, of course,
it stands out
a mile, doesn't it?
He's so common.
Unlike that cockney git
whose ulterior motive
poor, innocent,
misguided child that you are.
Basil, what's
going on?
Nothing, my dear,
nothing at all.
- Mrs. Fawlty...
- Yes, Polly?
- I don't know what she's...
- Basil!
Mr. Brown is
from the C.I.D.
He showed me
identification.
They're watching Melbury.
He's a confidence trickster.
I see.
What do you mean,
you see?
Let's have a look
at these valuables.
What are you
doing, Sybil?
Sybil, I forbid you
to open that safe!
Sybil, I forbid you
to take that case out!
Sybil, do not open
that case, I forbid it!
I never thought I would
live to see the day
when a peer
of the realm,
entrusts to us,
a case of valuables...
In trust...
I'll call the police.
They're already here,
Mr. Brown's outside.
Someone at
reception, Basil?
Ah! All right.
Ah... Good evening.
I believe you
were expecting us.
No, I was expecting
somebody else.
Sir Richard
and Lady Morris.
Yes, yes, them as well.
I'm sorry?
- How did you know?
- What?
Oh... You're Sir Richard
and Lady Morris,
I do beg
your pardon.
I was just think...
Would you mind filling
this out, please?
We've given you room...
aha!
Ah, Fawlty!
Mr. Fawlty to you,
Lord Melbury.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, nothing,
please forget all about it.
Here's the check
for ?-200.
Ah, thank you
so much.
Now, about my priceless
collection of coins?
Oh, yes, ah,
do you still...
Do I still want
you to take them
to be valued by the Duke
of Buckleigh, my Lord?
- Ah, yes.
- No, I don't.
Because we've
just heard
that the duke
of Buckleigh is dead!
Yes, got his head knocked off
by a golf ball.
Tragic! Tragic!
Well, how are you,
Lord Melbury?
'ow are yer then?
All right, mate?
'ow's me
old mucker?
Any valuables to deposit,
Sir Richard?
Any bricks?
I do apologize...
You bastard!
We've given
you room 12
with the view
overlooking the park...
I'm sure you'll
like it...
We'll have your
bags brought up...
And may I
introduce your wife?
Hello, Lord Melbury!
- Bastard!
- Basil!
Please think
nothing of it.
Do please excuse me
one moment.
Basil, the morrises
are leaving.
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
We're leaving!
Oh, don't, please stay,
you'll like it here.
I've never been in such
a place in my life.
You snobs!
You stupid, stuck-up,
toffee-nosed, half-witted...
upper-class
piles of... pus!
- Sorry, Mr. Fawlty.
- Just one, please.
Sorry, Mr. Fawlty.
Well, I'd better put
the picture up.
Oh, thank You, Polly,
for the...
- Well done, Manuel.
- Que?
Oh... Ole.
Sorry about that,
Mr. Fawlty.
Can I buy you
a drink?
No, no, I'd better put
this up, I suppose.
Basil!
A gin and orange,
a lemon squash and a
scotch and water, please!
Right!
Come on.