Father Ted (1995–1998): Season 3, Episode 5 - Escape from Victory - full transcript
The time has come for the Craggy Island priests to take on their Rugged Island counterparts at the annual five a side football match but with Dougal not fit for anything beyond guarding the line flags all the players are extremely old - one in fact dying before he can make the game. Rugged Island have a secret weapon - the fitter Italian Father Romeo Sensini, who puts them in the lead. Craggy Island do eventually win but are exposed as cheats and disqualified with Ted having to pay a forfeit - kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse.
Ted! How are ya?
Ah, Dougal! Hello there.
Did you have a good time?
What?
Great!
Everything here's been fine.
Nothing wrong here at all.
There's no problems here at all.
So, how was the school reunion?
(k eep talking.)
Oh, ahem...
I was at the old school reunion...
(Where's this go? )
Father, do you think a cup
of tea might calm you down?
Father McGuire, you're back!
Thank God!
You've got to do something!
Father Crilly's gone mad.
It's this football thing.
God Almighty,
that time of the year again!
Yes. And he thinks Father Byrne's
trying to find out his tactics.
It's only a stupid game of football,
for goodness' sake!
Mrs Doyle, I'm sorry but no!
There's nothing stupid
about football.
And nothing stupid about the
annual All Priests 5-a-Side Over 75s'
indoor football challenge match
against Rugged Island.
Please, Father. Do something. Oh!
Anyway, Dougal, you were saying?
About the school reunion?
Well, I didn't recognise any of them.
Guess what?
They'd all become firemen.
I was the only one who wasn't
a fireman. How's that?
Dougal, er...you didn't go
to a fire station by mistake?
Ah...
Ted, come on. You're going a bit mad.
I don't know
what you're talking about!
There's nothing wrong with me,
everything with me is fine.
Ted, I'm going to have to do
something you won't like.
Call it female intuition,
or whatever the male equivalent is.
But this isn't going to go down
well in the Ted camp.
I think...
Sorry. You were going a bit too mad.
My God, what have I done?
Look at the room!
You're right, Dougal,
I have to get a hold of myself.
Ted, being bugged by Dick Byrne,
that's not likely, is it?
Come on, Ted.
Look at you! You look terrible.
I've been having trouble sleeping.
I'm going to try this stuff,
Dreamy Sleepy Nightie Snoozy Snooze.
Dreamy Sleepy Nightie Snoozy Snooze.
Yes. It's a bran-based
alcoholic chocolate sleeping aid.
It's banned in most European
countries. That means it's very good.
I'll go and get us both an ice cream.
That'll calm us down.
Ah, that'd be nice.
Where are you going to get
an ice cream?
- There's a van outside.
- Is there?
It's not going to sell
much ice cream there.
They're on to us, Cyril!
Go, go, go, go...
(Tyres screeching)
Come on, Father Cullen!
Get your arse in gear!
Father Whelan, you can move
faster than that! Get into it!
Missing the target from there,
you need shooting!
I'm very tired. I'm 85!
God, that's a defeatist attitude,
Father Cullen!
I'm holding you back
for extra training!
You'll stay here until seven!
Do 15 laps of the pitch!
But...
Off you go...
I don't know!
The attitude of those lads.
There was a time when the over 75's
team putting their hearts into it...
kick the (BLEEP) ball!
What's wrong with you?!
All over the place.
Dick Byrne's lot have a new fella.
He's flip hot - an Italian!
Oh, the Italians know about football.
And the world of fashion.
Do you remember that fella
who was so good at fashion
they had to shoot him?
Where's Nick Doorley?
Father Jack's not here, Nick's not...
Our main bloody strike force
and they're not bloody here!
You wouldn't think
Father Jack could play football.
No, then you see him...
Beautiful player. Poetry in motion.
Did you tell me once
Jack had a trial with Liverpool?
No, he was on trial in Liverpool.
I wonder where Nick is.
God, yeah. Jack's good
but if anything happened to Nick...
we'd be up to our necks in flip.
And with this new fella
on Dick's team,
we need Nick
at the very peak of his powers.
So, there's no way
he'll be able to play?
No. No, he's dead.
It's completely out
of the question, then?
Is it?
Is it completely out of the question?
Ted, you're clutching at straws.
C'mon lads.
(Ted) You're right.
(Fax machine bleeps )
Ah, isn't that nice?
"Sorry to hear you died,"
from Father Heggaty in Chicago.
Does that coffin has a fax machine?
Yes, it's the latest thing.
Look at this...
This display tells you how long
you've been buried...
and this one tells you how deep down
the coffin is. Isn't it amazing?
With these humidity controls,
Father Nick won't start decaying
till...sometime next year.
Niall, you must stop
buying this catalogue stuff.
It's a complete waste of money.
I mean, look,
a remote control wheelchair.
Why would you need that?
You probably get more use
from those fake joke arms.
Oh, those...
They seemed funny at the time.
They reminded me of my own arms.
Fake arms! Niall, honestly!
What situation could ever need
a radio-controlled wheelchair,
or a pair of joke arms?
Only, I would imagine,
a completely ludicrous one.
Yes.
Do you think you can win this match
without Father Nick?
I don't know.
He has a great partnership with...
Had, he had a great partnership
with Father Jack up front.
God, if Dick Byrne wins...
We're using the forfeit system again.
Last year when we lost...
Dick made me photocopy
my own rear end.
- (Phone )
- Excuse me.
They'll never let me
back in that library again.
Hello? Oh, it's for you.
Hello?
(Dick) 'I am going to win again,
Ted!'
Ha! That's what you think,
Dick Byrne, but we've got some...
Wait a minute!
How did you know I was here?
(Dial tone, ice cream van jingle )
Damn you, Father Dick Byrne!
Yeah, all right, all right.
More bad news, Dougal.
Oh, no, no, no...
I've just spoken
to Father Ned Fitzmorris.
He tripped on a paving stone
and one of his kneecaps fell off.
There's no way round it.
I'm going to have to put him in goal.
God, Ted, I can't wait to get
back into the old physio role again.
Running on to the pitch
with the magic sponge
and doing all physio-type things.
Dougal, do you know
what the sponge does?
It...soaks up germs.
Dougal, I don't want you to take this
the wrong way...
but I was thinking
of a new role for you this year.
Right...
Erm... I'd like you to...
keep an eye on the corner flags,
and make sure no one steals them.
Ah, thank God.
I thought you were going to give me
something completely stupid to do.
But, wow! Watching the corner flags!
Big responsibility.
Football, football, football,
football, football, football,
football, football, football!
What you men see in it, I don't know.
A load of men kicking
a bit of leather around a field.
You men!
The things you think are great fun!
Like going to the films.
Men sitting around looking at films.
And roller coasters! A load of men
going up and down on a metal track.
And sailing! A load of men in a big
boat floating around in the sea.
And shouting! A load of men
going around shouting! And so forth.
Well, Mrs Doyle, there's more
to football than you think.
In fact, I got you a book about it.
All right, Father, I'll give it a go.
Ted, Jack's been like that
for a good long time.
He wouldn't be dead again, would he?
Ah, no. He's probably dreaming
of his old sporting days.
More water.
Well, today's the day.
- Got the hang of it yet, Dougal?
- It's harder than you think, Ted.
The trick is
to try and keep your eye on it.
Argh!
Ah, hello, Ted.
I was...er...just...
eating...my breakfast.
Dougal, that's a fib.
What are you really doing?
I...I've lost the flag, Ted.
I just put it down for a second
and the next thing it was gone.
Ted, you're going to have
to give me an easier job.
It's too much, too soon.
Dougal. Look at Father Jack.
Would he give up so easily?
Look at that steely determination.
That air of defiance.
That...
I've just realised,
Jack's been asleep for 14 days.
Oh, my God!
He's drunk an entire bottle of
Dreamy Sleepy Nighty Snoozy Snooze!
(Dramatic music)
Go on...
my son.
Well, there he is, Ted.
Father Romeo Sensini.
17 caps for the Vatican Over 75s.
Looks after himself.
Drinks only very, very fine wine.
Can climb two flights of stairs.
Needs only one nun
to help him get out of a chair.
- You haven't a chance.
- That's what you think, Dick.
Father Hackett's
been through rigorous training.
- He's never been fitter.
- Ha!
(Snoring)
(Ted) Father! Father, please wake up!
What are we going to do?
I can't believe we're in this
completely ludicrous...situation.
God Almighty, Mrs Doyle,
how could you find
this type of thing interesting?
That's what I thought. Sit down.
Look at this.
Ooh!
Ready? Ready?
(Whistle )
Close him down! Close him down!
Ah, Mary, have you got me glasses?
Sensini's got an open goal.
If we don't do something he's going
to score in a matter of minutes.
Where did he come from?
Get rid of it! Get rid of it!
What?
Turn around! Concentrate on the game!
Is that Father Crilly?
Hello, Father.
Someone's going to have
to get tighter on the Italian.
Go wide! Go wide!
Argh!
# You're not singing
you're not singing
# You're not singing any more!
# You're not singing any more! #
Penalty!
Typical Italian.
(Rapid heartbeats )
(Very slow heartbeat)
He's sent the keeper the wrong way!
Yes!
Oh! Goal! Goal! Yes!
(Dick) Yes! Yes! Goal!
Listen! I know you're tired and have
to be back in the home by eight.
But remember one thing...
You are carrying the whole
of Craggy Island on your shoulders.
- Metaphor!
- It's my back.
Jim, it's a metaphor, didn't mean it
literally. Don't jump into the flow.
Now, play the best game
of what remains of your lives.
I want you to rip Dick's team
to shreds. Metaphor again, Jim.
Now, get out there
and let's lick some arse!
kick some arse!
We're going to win, Cyril.
I want a souvenir of this game.
Go get me a corner flag.
Go get me a corner flag.
Oh, yeah. Yes.
Good!
Go on, Father Jack. Go!
(Mrs Doyle ) Come on!
(Crowd cheering)
Hey!
Oh.
You're shit! Ah!
Open goal! Go on Father Cullen!
What?
Don't look at me!
You've only the keeper to beat!
Go on! Go on!
Yes! Yes!
Have I done something wrong?
Whoo!
Better luck next year, lads!
You lost, Cyril.
Goodbye, Dick. Goodbye, Cyril!
Can they not stay and have a drink?
No. Dick has to go home
and do his forfeit.
The forfeit! What is it?
Dick...
He has to kiss Cyril on the cheek!
Brilliant! Cyril won't have a clue
what's going on!
Dick'll hate having to kiss a man!
He's notoriously homophobic!
Ted, you should have this.
You deserve it.
No. I think we'd better head on home.
Ah, go on Ted, have a glass.
Wait a second!
These are fake hands!
- Got the forfeit, Ted!
- Oh, God.
Dick said it was a special forfeit
because you're such
a cheating bastard!
All right, open it!
The tension's killing me.
Don't worry. He probably wants
you to clean his car or some...
What is it? Break it to me gently!
All right. "Ted, by this time
next week, you have to..."
- What?
- "You have to..."
"kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!"
Ah, Dougal! Hello there.
Did you have a good time?
What?
Great!
Everything here's been fine.
Nothing wrong here at all.
There's no problems here at all.
So, how was the school reunion?
(k eep talking.)
Oh, ahem...
I was at the old school reunion...
(Where's this go? )
Father, do you think a cup
of tea might calm you down?
Father McGuire, you're back!
Thank God!
You've got to do something!
Father Crilly's gone mad.
It's this football thing.
God Almighty,
that time of the year again!
Yes. And he thinks Father Byrne's
trying to find out his tactics.
It's only a stupid game of football,
for goodness' sake!
Mrs Doyle, I'm sorry but no!
There's nothing stupid
about football.
And nothing stupid about the
annual All Priests 5-a-Side Over 75s'
indoor football challenge match
against Rugged Island.
Please, Father. Do something. Oh!
Anyway, Dougal, you were saying?
About the school reunion?
Well, I didn't recognise any of them.
Guess what?
They'd all become firemen.
I was the only one who wasn't
a fireman. How's that?
Dougal, er...you didn't go
to a fire station by mistake?
Ah...
Ted, come on. You're going a bit mad.
I don't know
what you're talking about!
There's nothing wrong with me,
everything with me is fine.
Ted, I'm going to have to do
something you won't like.
Call it female intuition,
or whatever the male equivalent is.
But this isn't going to go down
well in the Ted camp.
I think...
Sorry. You were going a bit too mad.
My God, what have I done?
Look at the room!
You're right, Dougal,
I have to get a hold of myself.
Ted, being bugged by Dick Byrne,
that's not likely, is it?
Come on, Ted.
Look at you! You look terrible.
I've been having trouble sleeping.
I'm going to try this stuff,
Dreamy Sleepy Nightie Snoozy Snooze.
Dreamy Sleepy Nightie Snoozy Snooze.
Yes. It's a bran-based
alcoholic chocolate sleeping aid.
It's banned in most European
countries. That means it's very good.
I'll go and get us both an ice cream.
That'll calm us down.
Ah, that'd be nice.
Where are you going to get
an ice cream?
- There's a van outside.
- Is there?
It's not going to sell
much ice cream there.
They're on to us, Cyril!
Go, go, go, go...
(Tyres screeching)
Come on, Father Cullen!
Get your arse in gear!
Father Whelan, you can move
faster than that! Get into it!
Missing the target from there,
you need shooting!
I'm very tired. I'm 85!
God, that's a defeatist attitude,
Father Cullen!
I'm holding you back
for extra training!
You'll stay here until seven!
Do 15 laps of the pitch!
But...
Off you go...
I don't know!
The attitude of those lads.
There was a time when the over 75's
team putting their hearts into it...
kick the (BLEEP) ball!
What's wrong with you?!
All over the place.
Dick Byrne's lot have a new fella.
He's flip hot - an Italian!
Oh, the Italians know about football.
And the world of fashion.
Do you remember that fella
who was so good at fashion
they had to shoot him?
Where's Nick Doorley?
Father Jack's not here, Nick's not...
Our main bloody strike force
and they're not bloody here!
You wouldn't think
Father Jack could play football.
No, then you see him...
Beautiful player. Poetry in motion.
Did you tell me once
Jack had a trial with Liverpool?
No, he was on trial in Liverpool.
I wonder where Nick is.
God, yeah. Jack's good
but if anything happened to Nick...
we'd be up to our necks in flip.
And with this new fella
on Dick's team,
we need Nick
at the very peak of his powers.
So, there's no way
he'll be able to play?
No. No, he's dead.
It's completely out
of the question, then?
Is it?
Is it completely out of the question?
Ted, you're clutching at straws.
C'mon lads.
(Ted) You're right.
(Fax machine bleeps )
Ah, isn't that nice?
"Sorry to hear you died,"
from Father Heggaty in Chicago.
Does that coffin has a fax machine?
Yes, it's the latest thing.
Look at this...
This display tells you how long
you've been buried...
and this one tells you how deep down
the coffin is. Isn't it amazing?
With these humidity controls,
Father Nick won't start decaying
till...sometime next year.
Niall, you must stop
buying this catalogue stuff.
It's a complete waste of money.
I mean, look,
a remote control wheelchair.
Why would you need that?
You probably get more use
from those fake joke arms.
Oh, those...
They seemed funny at the time.
They reminded me of my own arms.
Fake arms! Niall, honestly!
What situation could ever need
a radio-controlled wheelchair,
or a pair of joke arms?
Only, I would imagine,
a completely ludicrous one.
Yes.
Do you think you can win this match
without Father Nick?
I don't know.
He has a great partnership with...
Had, he had a great partnership
with Father Jack up front.
God, if Dick Byrne wins...
We're using the forfeit system again.
Last year when we lost...
Dick made me photocopy
my own rear end.
- (Phone )
- Excuse me.
They'll never let me
back in that library again.
Hello? Oh, it's for you.
Hello?
(Dick) 'I am going to win again,
Ted!'
Ha! That's what you think,
Dick Byrne, but we've got some...
Wait a minute!
How did you know I was here?
(Dial tone, ice cream van jingle )
Damn you, Father Dick Byrne!
Yeah, all right, all right.
More bad news, Dougal.
Oh, no, no, no...
I've just spoken
to Father Ned Fitzmorris.
He tripped on a paving stone
and one of his kneecaps fell off.
There's no way round it.
I'm going to have to put him in goal.
God, Ted, I can't wait to get
back into the old physio role again.
Running on to the pitch
with the magic sponge
and doing all physio-type things.
Dougal, do you know
what the sponge does?
It...soaks up germs.
Dougal, I don't want you to take this
the wrong way...
but I was thinking
of a new role for you this year.
Right...
Erm... I'd like you to...
keep an eye on the corner flags,
and make sure no one steals them.
Ah, thank God.
I thought you were going to give me
something completely stupid to do.
But, wow! Watching the corner flags!
Big responsibility.
Football, football, football,
football, football, football,
football, football, football!
What you men see in it, I don't know.
A load of men kicking
a bit of leather around a field.
You men!
The things you think are great fun!
Like going to the films.
Men sitting around looking at films.
And roller coasters! A load of men
going up and down on a metal track.
And sailing! A load of men in a big
boat floating around in the sea.
And shouting! A load of men
going around shouting! And so forth.
Well, Mrs Doyle, there's more
to football than you think.
In fact, I got you a book about it.
All right, Father, I'll give it a go.
Ted, Jack's been like that
for a good long time.
He wouldn't be dead again, would he?
Ah, no. He's probably dreaming
of his old sporting days.
More water.
Well, today's the day.
- Got the hang of it yet, Dougal?
- It's harder than you think, Ted.
The trick is
to try and keep your eye on it.
Argh!
Ah, hello, Ted.
I was...er...just...
eating...my breakfast.
Dougal, that's a fib.
What are you really doing?
I...I've lost the flag, Ted.
I just put it down for a second
and the next thing it was gone.
Ted, you're going to have
to give me an easier job.
It's too much, too soon.
Dougal. Look at Father Jack.
Would he give up so easily?
Look at that steely determination.
That air of defiance.
That...
I've just realised,
Jack's been asleep for 14 days.
Oh, my God!
He's drunk an entire bottle of
Dreamy Sleepy Nighty Snoozy Snooze!
(Dramatic music)
Go on...
my son.
Well, there he is, Ted.
Father Romeo Sensini.
17 caps for the Vatican Over 75s.
Looks after himself.
Drinks only very, very fine wine.
Can climb two flights of stairs.
Needs only one nun
to help him get out of a chair.
- You haven't a chance.
- That's what you think, Dick.
Father Hackett's
been through rigorous training.
- He's never been fitter.
- Ha!
(Snoring)
(Ted) Father! Father, please wake up!
What are we going to do?
I can't believe we're in this
completely ludicrous...situation.
God Almighty, Mrs Doyle,
how could you find
this type of thing interesting?
That's what I thought. Sit down.
Look at this.
Ooh!
Ready? Ready?
(Whistle )
Close him down! Close him down!
Ah, Mary, have you got me glasses?
Sensini's got an open goal.
If we don't do something he's going
to score in a matter of minutes.
Where did he come from?
Get rid of it! Get rid of it!
What?
Turn around! Concentrate on the game!
Is that Father Crilly?
Hello, Father.
Someone's going to have
to get tighter on the Italian.
Go wide! Go wide!
Argh!
# You're not singing
you're not singing
# You're not singing any more!
# You're not singing any more! #
Penalty!
Typical Italian.
(Rapid heartbeats )
(Very slow heartbeat)
He's sent the keeper the wrong way!
Yes!
Oh! Goal! Goal! Yes!
(Dick) Yes! Yes! Goal!
Listen! I know you're tired and have
to be back in the home by eight.
But remember one thing...
You are carrying the whole
of Craggy Island on your shoulders.
- Metaphor!
- It's my back.
Jim, it's a metaphor, didn't mean it
literally. Don't jump into the flow.
Now, play the best game
of what remains of your lives.
I want you to rip Dick's team
to shreds. Metaphor again, Jim.
Now, get out there
and let's lick some arse!
kick some arse!
We're going to win, Cyril.
I want a souvenir of this game.
Go get me a corner flag.
Go get me a corner flag.
Oh, yeah. Yes.
Good!
Go on, Father Jack. Go!
(Mrs Doyle ) Come on!
(Crowd cheering)
Hey!
Oh.
You're shit! Ah!
Open goal! Go on Father Cullen!
What?
Don't look at me!
You've only the keeper to beat!
Go on! Go on!
Yes! Yes!
Have I done something wrong?
Whoo!
Better luck next year, lads!
You lost, Cyril.
Goodbye, Dick. Goodbye, Cyril!
Can they not stay and have a drink?
No. Dick has to go home
and do his forfeit.
The forfeit! What is it?
Dick...
He has to kiss Cyril on the cheek!
Brilliant! Cyril won't have a clue
what's going on!
Dick'll hate having to kiss a man!
He's notoriously homophobic!
Ted, you should have this.
You deserve it.
No. I think we'd better head on home.
Ah, go on Ted, have a glass.
Wait a second!
These are fake hands!
- Got the forfeit, Ted!
- Oh, God.
Dick said it was a special forfeit
because you're such
a cheating bastard!
All right, open it!
The tension's killing me.
Don't worry. He probably wants
you to clean his car or some...
What is it? Break it to me gently!
All right. "Ted, by this time
next week, you have to..."
- What?
- "You have to..."
"kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!"