Father Ted (1995–1998): Season 3, Episode 3 - Speed 3 - full transcript
Ted is shocked to find that Pat Mustard, the island milkman, has been having sex with his lady customers - possibly including Mrs. Doyle - and reports him to the dairy manager. As a result Pat gets sacked and Dougal takes on the delivery route, as the manager trusts a man of God. A vengeful Mustard has attached a bomb to the milk float which will activate at four miles an hour and detonate if the speed then falls below four. Ted manages to save Dougal thanks to a decorative brick that Mrs Doyle has brought into the house and Pat Mustard ends up literally - and fatally - hoisted by his own petard.
- (Door slams )
- (Ted) Don't even talk to me!
(Dougal) I'm so sorry, Ted.
(Ted) You're judging a baby
competition, don't get them agitated!
This happens every time
and I'm sick of it!
I was just playing with them, Ted.
Playing? You were jumping
up and down, running around
and getting completely overexcited.
That's why you got sick on me!
I thought the standard was rubbish.
A lot of sloppy babies who looked
as though they couldn't be bothered.
And the hairiness
of some of those babies.
It was a very hairy baby parade.
If people can't even shave their
babies before they come out...
Normally you wouldn't
have to shave a baby...!
What the hell?
Mrs Doyle, did you put a brick
in the middle of the floor?
- I did.
- Well...why?
I thought it would
be handy for your paperclips.
You can put them
in that hollow there.
Yes, but why on the floor?
I got the idea from a magazine.
That may be fine
for Will Self or one of those fellas
but I prefer
the more traditional aspect
of not putting bricks in the...
(Screams )
Mrs Doyle looks very different today.
Was it definitely Mrs Doyle?
(knock at door)
I'm sorry,
I was looking for Mrs Doyle.
It is Mrs Doyle!
What? I thought
you were Marilyn Monroe.
(Screeching laugh)
Now...
a couple of nice pints for you.
Oh, great. We're a bit low, actually.
(Milkman chuckles )
There's plenty more
where that came from.
(Screeching laugh)
I shouldn't be here at all,
the police are after me.
They're not!
I'm so gorgeous
they want to arrest me!
(Screeching laugh)
Actually, I'm a bit sad
at the moment, Mrs Doyle.
- I have to go to a funeral.
- Oh, no, really?
Yes. My last girlfriend.
She died from exhaustion.
(Very screeching laugh)
- Hello.
- Oh...
Hello, Father.
This is Pat Mustard, the new milkman.
- Oh?
- Yeah, just here on the south side,
spreading meself around a bit.
Mrs Doyle, you need to dust
Father Jack's room.
And a cobweb in the shed
needs removing.
Righto so, Father.
I'll be on my way, padre.
Off on my rounds.
Right, Ted. Looks like
an ordinary blackboard, doesn't it?
Yes.
That's what I thought -
but watch this!
You see? You can rub off the letters.
Well...you can do that
with every blackboard.
What?
This is very milky tea, Mrs Doyle.
This is almost all-milk tea.
Is there any tea in here at all?
Well...
No.
Anyone would think you were trying
to use up all the milk so that...
so that Pat Mustard
can come here more often.
Ha ha ha ha.
Pat's very interesting, Father.
At the weekends
he's a swimming instructor.
And he fought in Vietnam
and he's a former Mr Universe
and he taught Elvis Presley
how to play karate.
It sounds like
he's telling you a few tall tales.
What do you think, Dougal?
Well, Ted,
I'm very cynical, as you know.
Well, Father...
it's not my place, I know,
but it sounds to me
like you're a little bit jealous.
Jealous? Of Mr Milkyman?
I very much think not!
What are you doing, Dougal?
I'm looking at
some of the hairy babies.
- There's something about them.
- Let's see.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
This is a terrible thing to say
but if you took this moustache,
this baby's head hair
and this baby's sideboards...
I think you'd get...Pat Mustard!
Do you think the babies
are copying his style?
No, I think it's more likely
that...mm-hmm.
That Pat Mustard has been...
You know, I mean delivering
more than dairy products.
No!
You mean he's been...
Ho...I...can't... Ho! Ho-ho!
He...no...wha...
He's been what?
We should do some detective work,
find out what this
Pat Mustard fella's up to.
(Mrs Doyle laughing)
(Pat Mustard laughing)
(Both laughing)
(Coughs )
Hello, Father.
Oh, Pat wondered if he could put
his massive tool in my box.
- What?! How dare you!
- It's too big for the milk float.
I'll pick it up tomorrow.
Mrs Doyle, could you leave us?
Righto, Father.
Pat Mustard, there are
some very hairy babies around
and I think you
are the hairy baby maker!
Well, I think you'd need proof
if you're gonna make
that sort of accusation
and I'm a very careful man, Father,
a very careful man.
Except when taking
precautions in the bedroom!
You wouldn't be advising
the use of artificial contraception,
Father, would you?
Yes, I...!
No, I...
If you're going to be...
I...of course...
Just feck off!
You'd want to get up
very early to catch me, Father.
Very early in the morning.
(Camera clicking)
And now to ride Mrs O'Reilly.
Dougal, did you get that?
Ted, I turned the volume up
to hear what's going on in the house.
- At this level you could hear...
- (Horn honks )
Right, now we wait.
No, he's finished!
God!
Theresa,
I forgot me fecking trousers!
- Ha-ha! Mm-hm!
- (Camera clicking)
Shameful! Dear God, disgraceful.
- Have you ever seen the like?
- No, I have not.
How should we do this?
How about ?2 each for these
and a tenner for the rest?
I wasn't selling them,
I was just showing you
what one of
your employees was up to.
Oh! Oh, my God, yes!
What did you think?
I completely misread the situation!
This is disgraceful behaviour.
This employee shall be removed
from his job straight away.
Thank you for informing us.
Hey, you, who's gonna
deliver the milk now?
Actually, next week is a big week.
We agreed to ease the milk surplus
of Eastern Europe
by buying 17,000 tonnes
of milk from them.
Pat's sacking couldn't have come
at a worse time.
Think of all that lovely milk
with no one to drop it off.
I wish I could do it.
We could certainly trust
a man of God.
A what?
- A priest.
- Thanks for reminding me(!)
But I'd love to be a milkman,
that'd be fantastic.
God knows I do flip-all around here!
You could certainly
fill in for a while.
I'm not sure. Father McGuire
has other duties in the parish.
Like what?
- And be sure to keep warm.
- Ted! Not in front of Mr Fox.
- And stay on the left of the road.
- Duh! I know!
Stop it!
That turns it on,
that makes it go, that steers it.
- Ok. Right.
- Ok! You're ready to be a milkman.
Better get going -
milk gets sour, you know.
Unless it's UHT milk but there's no
demand for that because it's shite.
(Beeps horn )
He'll be fine.
- (Clunk)
- Ahh!
What's going on?
Father Hackett's got very fond
of that brick. It's a great pet.
He doesn't have to feed it
or clean it. Suits him perfectly.
I love my brick!
Ahhh, that's nice.
Maybe we're seeing another side
to Father Jack, a more caring...
Ahh, feck it!
Fed up with "brick"!
(Telephone rings )
Craggy Island parochial house...
Father Ted Crilly speaking...
It's me, Father,
y'ignorant bastard.
Is that you, Mustard?
You got me sacked
and now I have to yank meself off
because I haven't got
any proper sex.
Well, if you're going to use
that language...
No, I've something to tell you.
I've left a little surprise
on the milk float
your little friend took off me.
Something to remember me by.
- A bomb!
- What?!
A very special bomb.
When your little friend
gets to over 4mph the bomb is armed
but when he comes back
under 4mph then...
(Imitates explosion )
Sorry, I lost you there.
What happens?
- It'll go off.
- Oh, my God, Dougal!
(Pat laughing evilly)
Mrs Millet...two pints.
Two pints.
Two pints of milk.
(Doorbell)
Pat...
Father! Oh, my God!
Two pints. Eh, two pints...
two pints. There you go.
Bye, then.
(Doorbell)
Morning, Mrs Gleason!
(Screams )
Ok, right. I'll just leave it here.
(Car horn honking)
Dougal! Dougal!
Are you going over 4mph?!
I'm fine, leave me alone.
- Are you doing over four?!
- Not yet.
(Click)
Now I am.
Dougal, there's a bomb
on the milk float!
A bomb? Who's that for?
It's not for delivery -
it's going to kill you!
Pat Mustard put it there!
When you go under 4mph it'll explode!
Have you got that?!
Oh, God! I don't wanna
be a milkman any more!
Just don't slow down!
Ted, look! It's a big bunch
of boxes in the road!
Just stay over four!
(Beeps horn )
(Beeps horn )
Go, Dougal! Go, go, go!
Get to the roundabout and circle it.
I have to have a think!
Ted!
(Phone rings )
Barren Island parochial house.
Father Beeching.
Derek, Dougal's on a milk float
with a bomb that will blow up
if it goes under 4mph.
Yes, that is a problem.
But don't panic, Ted,
we'll find a way through it.
We've got to do something practical!
Wait...I have it.
(Engine chugging)
The Lord be with you...
Oh, no! Mass!
Mass today being offered
for Father Dougal McGuire
who finds himself in a trying
and unfortunate situation.
We pray God will protect him
from harm at this...time
- and deliver him to safety.
- Amen.
(Pat laughing evilly)
Oh, yes, they'll be peeling him
off the wall for weeks to come.
Go in peace to love
and serve the Lord
(All) Amen.
Dougal, there's a roundabout!
Just keep driving round!
- Everything's gonna be Ok!
- But I get dizzy!
Don't get dizzy! You've got to come
up with a plan. Back to my house!
( # Tense music)
- That's the idea?
- It's the best we've had.
Another Mass - that's our best idea?
I thought the other one
went very well.
Dougal needs help, not a Mass!
This isn't a time for Mass,
this is a time for action!
Is there anything to be said
for saying another Mass?
Just a small one?
Oh, God, I love saying Mass.
Him and his Masses!
One time, er, a few years ago,
at the Moscow Olympics
with, er, Sean Drea, the rower.
This is a great story.
- We don't have time!
- It won't take a second.
Shut up and help me think of
a practical solution.
Tea for everyone!
Father Beeching, biscuit or cake?
Biscuit or cake? Ooh...
Biscuit or cake, let's see...
- For God's sake, hurry up!
- Biscuit.
No, cake!
Have you seen the damage
a bomb can do? Blow your face off!
Well, it worked for them
and they saved hundreds of lives.
We only have to save one.
That was different,
The Towering Inferno
was a building that caught fire!
It's not the same as rescuing a
priest from an explosive milk float.
And besides, they had
Paul Newman and Steve McQueen.
God Almighty,
I forgot Steve McQueen was in it.
Wait! I've got it!
The Poseidon Adventure!
- What?
- Gene Hackman plays a priest in it.
(Poseidon Adventure title music
plays on TV)
Well, that was no help.
He didn't even say Mass.
Let's go to the roundabout
and think of something there.
Oh!
Fecking brick!
Wait a minute, I've got an idea.
Yes, gentlemen...
Father Dougal
is propelling the milk float
by exerting a small amount
of pressure on the accelerator.
If we replace his foot
with an object
then we can safely
remove him from the vehicle.
You mean...
Yes. We put the brick
on the accelerator.
- Dougal!
- Ahh!
- I've got a plan.
- Ted, I want to be a priest again.
This isn't really your thing, is it?
No, I don't like this job at all!
All right, when I say step off,
you step off, all right?
k eep saying, "I want to be a priest."
I want to be a priest,
I want to be a priest,
I want to be a priest,
I want to be a priest!
Step off the milk float, Dougal!
Ted, you forgot your brick!
Put it back! Put it back!
Run, Dougal!
I'm a priest!
(Laughing evilly)
Oh, yes, you messed with
the wrong milkman, Father.
Well, I'm off. Better get out
the earplugs, Father,
because when
that milk float goes up,
they'll hear it
all the way to the North P...
(Distant rumbling)
(Dialling tone )
- There y'are.
- Thanks, Ted.
Sure you don't want any milk?
No, no, I'll stay off milk
for a good long while.
You stick to what you're good at
and I'm good at being a priest.
Uh, yes.
Ted, it's scary out there
in the real non-priest world.
Not every job's as dangerous
as being a milkman.
- Anyway, good night.
- Good night, Ted.
Those women were in the nip!
- (Ted) Don't even talk to me!
(Dougal) I'm so sorry, Ted.
(Ted) You're judging a baby
competition, don't get them agitated!
This happens every time
and I'm sick of it!
I was just playing with them, Ted.
Playing? You were jumping
up and down, running around
and getting completely overexcited.
That's why you got sick on me!
I thought the standard was rubbish.
A lot of sloppy babies who looked
as though they couldn't be bothered.
And the hairiness
of some of those babies.
It was a very hairy baby parade.
If people can't even shave their
babies before they come out...
Normally you wouldn't
have to shave a baby...!
What the hell?
Mrs Doyle, did you put a brick
in the middle of the floor?
- I did.
- Well...why?
I thought it would
be handy for your paperclips.
You can put them
in that hollow there.
Yes, but why on the floor?
I got the idea from a magazine.
That may be fine
for Will Self or one of those fellas
but I prefer
the more traditional aspect
of not putting bricks in the...
(Screams )
Mrs Doyle looks very different today.
Was it definitely Mrs Doyle?
(knock at door)
I'm sorry,
I was looking for Mrs Doyle.
It is Mrs Doyle!
What? I thought
you were Marilyn Monroe.
(Screeching laugh)
Now...
a couple of nice pints for you.
Oh, great. We're a bit low, actually.
(Milkman chuckles )
There's plenty more
where that came from.
(Screeching laugh)
I shouldn't be here at all,
the police are after me.
They're not!
I'm so gorgeous
they want to arrest me!
(Screeching laugh)
Actually, I'm a bit sad
at the moment, Mrs Doyle.
- I have to go to a funeral.
- Oh, no, really?
Yes. My last girlfriend.
She died from exhaustion.
(Very screeching laugh)
- Hello.
- Oh...
Hello, Father.
This is Pat Mustard, the new milkman.
- Oh?
- Yeah, just here on the south side,
spreading meself around a bit.
Mrs Doyle, you need to dust
Father Jack's room.
And a cobweb in the shed
needs removing.
Righto so, Father.
I'll be on my way, padre.
Off on my rounds.
Right, Ted. Looks like
an ordinary blackboard, doesn't it?
Yes.
That's what I thought -
but watch this!
You see? You can rub off the letters.
Well...you can do that
with every blackboard.
What?
This is very milky tea, Mrs Doyle.
This is almost all-milk tea.
Is there any tea in here at all?
Well...
No.
Anyone would think you were trying
to use up all the milk so that...
so that Pat Mustard
can come here more often.
Ha ha ha ha.
Pat's very interesting, Father.
At the weekends
he's a swimming instructor.
And he fought in Vietnam
and he's a former Mr Universe
and he taught Elvis Presley
how to play karate.
It sounds like
he's telling you a few tall tales.
What do you think, Dougal?
Well, Ted,
I'm very cynical, as you know.
Well, Father...
it's not my place, I know,
but it sounds to me
like you're a little bit jealous.
Jealous? Of Mr Milkyman?
I very much think not!
What are you doing, Dougal?
I'm looking at
some of the hairy babies.
- There's something about them.
- Let's see.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
This is a terrible thing to say
but if you took this moustache,
this baby's head hair
and this baby's sideboards...
I think you'd get...Pat Mustard!
Do you think the babies
are copying his style?
No, I think it's more likely
that...mm-hmm.
That Pat Mustard has been...
You know, I mean delivering
more than dairy products.
No!
You mean he's been...
Ho...I...can't... Ho! Ho-ho!
He...no...wha...
He's been what?
We should do some detective work,
find out what this
Pat Mustard fella's up to.
(Mrs Doyle laughing)
(Pat Mustard laughing)
(Both laughing)
(Coughs )
Hello, Father.
Oh, Pat wondered if he could put
his massive tool in my box.
- What?! How dare you!
- It's too big for the milk float.
I'll pick it up tomorrow.
Mrs Doyle, could you leave us?
Righto, Father.
Pat Mustard, there are
some very hairy babies around
and I think you
are the hairy baby maker!
Well, I think you'd need proof
if you're gonna make
that sort of accusation
and I'm a very careful man, Father,
a very careful man.
Except when taking
precautions in the bedroom!
You wouldn't be advising
the use of artificial contraception,
Father, would you?
Yes, I...!
No, I...
If you're going to be...
I...of course...
Just feck off!
You'd want to get up
very early to catch me, Father.
Very early in the morning.
(Camera clicking)
And now to ride Mrs O'Reilly.
Dougal, did you get that?
Ted, I turned the volume up
to hear what's going on in the house.
- At this level you could hear...
- (Horn honks )
Right, now we wait.
No, he's finished!
God!
Theresa,
I forgot me fecking trousers!
- Ha-ha! Mm-hm!
- (Camera clicking)
Shameful! Dear God, disgraceful.
- Have you ever seen the like?
- No, I have not.
How should we do this?
How about ?2 each for these
and a tenner for the rest?
I wasn't selling them,
I was just showing you
what one of
your employees was up to.
Oh! Oh, my God, yes!
What did you think?
I completely misread the situation!
This is disgraceful behaviour.
This employee shall be removed
from his job straight away.
Thank you for informing us.
Hey, you, who's gonna
deliver the milk now?
Actually, next week is a big week.
We agreed to ease the milk surplus
of Eastern Europe
by buying 17,000 tonnes
of milk from them.
Pat's sacking couldn't have come
at a worse time.
Think of all that lovely milk
with no one to drop it off.
I wish I could do it.
We could certainly trust
a man of God.
A what?
- A priest.
- Thanks for reminding me(!)
But I'd love to be a milkman,
that'd be fantastic.
God knows I do flip-all around here!
You could certainly
fill in for a while.
I'm not sure. Father McGuire
has other duties in the parish.
Like what?
- And be sure to keep warm.
- Ted! Not in front of Mr Fox.
- And stay on the left of the road.
- Duh! I know!
Stop it!
That turns it on,
that makes it go, that steers it.
- Ok. Right.
- Ok! You're ready to be a milkman.
Better get going -
milk gets sour, you know.
Unless it's UHT milk but there's no
demand for that because it's shite.
(Beeps horn )
He'll be fine.
- (Clunk)
- Ahh!
What's going on?
Father Hackett's got very fond
of that brick. It's a great pet.
He doesn't have to feed it
or clean it. Suits him perfectly.
I love my brick!
Ahhh, that's nice.
Maybe we're seeing another side
to Father Jack, a more caring...
Ahh, feck it!
Fed up with "brick"!
(Telephone rings )
Craggy Island parochial house...
Father Ted Crilly speaking...
It's me, Father,
y'ignorant bastard.
Is that you, Mustard?
You got me sacked
and now I have to yank meself off
because I haven't got
any proper sex.
Well, if you're going to use
that language...
No, I've something to tell you.
I've left a little surprise
on the milk float
your little friend took off me.
Something to remember me by.
- A bomb!
- What?!
A very special bomb.
When your little friend
gets to over 4mph the bomb is armed
but when he comes back
under 4mph then...
(Imitates explosion )
Sorry, I lost you there.
What happens?
- It'll go off.
- Oh, my God, Dougal!
(Pat laughing evilly)
Mrs Millet...two pints.
Two pints.
Two pints of milk.
(Doorbell)
Pat...
Father! Oh, my God!
Two pints. Eh, two pints...
two pints. There you go.
Bye, then.
(Doorbell)
Morning, Mrs Gleason!
(Screams )
Ok, right. I'll just leave it here.
(Car horn honking)
Dougal! Dougal!
Are you going over 4mph?!
I'm fine, leave me alone.
- Are you doing over four?!
- Not yet.
(Click)
Now I am.
Dougal, there's a bomb
on the milk float!
A bomb? Who's that for?
It's not for delivery -
it's going to kill you!
Pat Mustard put it there!
When you go under 4mph it'll explode!
Have you got that?!
Oh, God! I don't wanna
be a milkman any more!
Just don't slow down!
Ted, look! It's a big bunch
of boxes in the road!
Just stay over four!
(Beeps horn )
(Beeps horn )
Go, Dougal! Go, go, go!
Get to the roundabout and circle it.
I have to have a think!
Ted!
(Phone rings )
Barren Island parochial house.
Father Beeching.
Derek, Dougal's on a milk float
with a bomb that will blow up
if it goes under 4mph.
Yes, that is a problem.
But don't panic, Ted,
we'll find a way through it.
We've got to do something practical!
Wait...I have it.
(Engine chugging)
The Lord be with you...
Oh, no! Mass!
Mass today being offered
for Father Dougal McGuire
who finds himself in a trying
and unfortunate situation.
We pray God will protect him
from harm at this...time
- and deliver him to safety.
- Amen.
(Pat laughing evilly)
Oh, yes, they'll be peeling him
off the wall for weeks to come.
Go in peace to love
and serve the Lord
(All) Amen.
Dougal, there's a roundabout!
Just keep driving round!
- Everything's gonna be Ok!
- But I get dizzy!
Don't get dizzy! You've got to come
up with a plan. Back to my house!
( # Tense music)
- That's the idea?
- It's the best we've had.
Another Mass - that's our best idea?
I thought the other one
went very well.
Dougal needs help, not a Mass!
This isn't a time for Mass,
this is a time for action!
Is there anything to be said
for saying another Mass?
Just a small one?
Oh, God, I love saying Mass.
Him and his Masses!
One time, er, a few years ago,
at the Moscow Olympics
with, er, Sean Drea, the rower.
This is a great story.
- We don't have time!
- It won't take a second.
Shut up and help me think of
a practical solution.
Tea for everyone!
Father Beeching, biscuit or cake?
Biscuit or cake? Ooh...
Biscuit or cake, let's see...
- For God's sake, hurry up!
- Biscuit.
No, cake!
Have you seen the damage
a bomb can do? Blow your face off!
Well, it worked for them
and they saved hundreds of lives.
We only have to save one.
That was different,
The Towering Inferno
was a building that caught fire!
It's not the same as rescuing a
priest from an explosive milk float.
And besides, they had
Paul Newman and Steve McQueen.
God Almighty,
I forgot Steve McQueen was in it.
Wait! I've got it!
The Poseidon Adventure!
- What?
- Gene Hackman plays a priest in it.
(Poseidon Adventure title music
plays on TV)
Well, that was no help.
He didn't even say Mass.
Let's go to the roundabout
and think of something there.
Oh!
Fecking brick!
Wait a minute, I've got an idea.
Yes, gentlemen...
Father Dougal
is propelling the milk float
by exerting a small amount
of pressure on the accelerator.
If we replace his foot
with an object
then we can safely
remove him from the vehicle.
You mean...
Yes. We put the brick
on the accelerator.
- Dougal!
- Ahh!
- I've got a plan.
- Ted, I want to be a priest again.
This isn't really your thing, is it?
No, I don't like this job at all!
All right, when I say step off,
you step off, all right?
k eep saying, "I want to be a priest."
I want to be a priest,
I want to be a priest,
I want to be a priest,
I want to be a priest!
Step off the milk float, Dougal!
Ted, you forgot your brick!
Put it back! Put it back!
Run, Dougal!
I'm a priest!
(Laughing evilly)
Oh, yes, you messed with
the wrong milkman, Father.
Well, I'm off. Better get out
the earplugs, Father,
because when
that milk float goes up,
they'll hear it
all the way to the North P...
(Distant rumbling)
(Dialling tone )
- There y'are.
- Thanks, Ted.
Sure you don't want any milk?
No, no, I'll stay off milk
for a good long while.
You stick to what you're good at
and I'm good at being a priest.
Uh, yes.
Ted, it's scary out there
in the real non-priest world.
Not every job's as dangerous
as being a milkman.
- Anyway, good night.
- Good night, Ted.
Those women were in the nip!