Father Ted (1995–1998): Season 2, Episode 9 - New Jack City - full transcript
When Jack is discovered to have hairy hands disease he is sent to the local hospital for old priests to recover and replaced by the obnoxious Father Fintan Slack, who goes out of his way to torment Ted and Dougal as well as playing loud jungle music all night. In desperation Ted and Dougal spring Jack from the hospital but find that Slack has also caught the hairy hands disease from sitting in Jack's chair and has to go for treatment, thus freeing them from him.
(Mozart: Requiem ) # Rex!
# Rex!
# Rex! #
(Mrs Doyle humming off-key )
Ah, Father.
I see you put up the old cross.
What's that all about?
People may be confused about
where the parochial house is.
So I put a big cross up
in the garden.
I hope they know it means
I'm a priest and not some madman.
Some madman's put up a cross.
Lovely.
- Ted, I'm off rollerblading.
- All right, Dougal.
(Phone )
Hello, Craggy Island parochial house.
Father Ted Crilly.
- Hello, Ted. Dick Byrne here.
- Oh. Dick.
I thought I'd wish you
all the best for Lent this year.
What? Oh, yeah, Lent.
What are you giving up?
Being the biggest eejit
in the priesthood?
Seriously, Ted. If we could just
put joking aside for a minute.
'Lent is a solemn time of year.'
We've had our disagreements,
but at the end of the day
we are brothers in Christ.
Oh, well.
We're making a special effort
this year.
I've given up cigarettes,
Father Johnson alcohol
and Father MacDuff skateboarding.
And the atmosphere of serenity
and devotion to Our Lord
in the parochial house
is very special indeed.
Right.
So what about it, Ted?
Will you make a similar effort?
Will you join us, Ted?
Will you go the extra mile this year?
I suppose you're right, Dick.
We should make a special effort.
It'll be worth it, Ted.
God bless you.
Goodbye, Dick, and erm...
G-God bless you, Dick.
So, that's it.
I'm giving up the fags.
Father Jack can give
the old drink a miss
and no more rollerblading
until Easter.
Easter's miles away.
A sacrifice isn't easy.
Don't forget why we do this.
I know.
Because of the sacrifice Our Lord...
More importantly, I'm not gonna
be beaten by Father Byrne
in the giving-things-up competition.
And that's what this is,
a competition.
We've got to show him
what we can do.
Especially after
that Scrabble fiasco.
You've never told us what happened.
I don't know how he did it,
he must've cheated!
But he got all his words to say
"Useless priest can't say Mass."
So no more fags,
rollerblading or booze until Easter.
All right.
Who wants their afternoon drink?
Drink? Oh, yes!
- No.
- No?!
You said you'd give it up
for a couple of days.
- What?!
- Offer it up for Our Lord.
Arlord? Who's Arlord?
No, Our Lord.
I suppose I made your vow for you.
But I know you'd like
to make a sacrifice.
Sacrifice? Arse!
It's a special time
of the year for all of us.
Drink! Drink!
You won't find any there.
- I've put them somewhere safe.
- Where?
Don't sulk, Father.
Here we go. No more fags
for me now until Easter.
Ah, great. No problem there at all.
(Chuckling and sighing)
God Almighty. I don't even miss
them at all. This is easy!
Yes, I'm not even thinking about
smoking. Not thinking about it!
It's beginning to kick in, Ted.
Me, too. God, this is terrible.
I don't like this at all!
Maybe we should stick with it, Ted.
We've come through worse.
Don't forget Dick Byrne.
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
- Don't you think so, Ted?
- Hm? Oh.
I certainly do. Absolutely.
How are you doing, Father?
You all right?
Do you want me to...
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Blah, blah, blah...
- Father?
- Is he all right?
I think he's just
circling the airport.
- (Doorbell)
- Better get that. You Ok?
What? Oh, yeah.
Don't make a show of yourself.
"Yes, Father. Hello, Father.
You're so great, Father."
- Oh, you make me sick.
- You're feckin' worse.
"Oh, Father, you're brilliant.
Father, you should be Pope."
It doesn't impress him.
Makes me sick.
God, you're an...
- Ah, Father.
- Hello, John, Mary.
Father, you look wonderful.
Is that a new outfit?
- We brought you some Easter eggs.
- Oh, that's terribly nice.
I think it comes to about ?8.
We thought we'd bring it down to you.
We're going on holidays and
we're not sure when we'll be back.
- Yes, we're going to Rome.
- Oh! So looking forward to it!
We might see your friend.
Who's that, Sophia Loren?
No, Father. The Pope!
He's no friend of mine!
Actually, that might've sounded
a little disrespectful. Sorry.
No problem, Father.
Ahhhhhhh.
(Snoring)
(Empty bottles clanging)
(Thud)
(Ted groaning)
(Sighs )
One day. You'd think we could
go one day without giving in.
Hello? Hello.
When I think of the sacrifices
Matty Hislop made.
- Who?
- Matty Hislop.
A drunkard who found God
and punished himself for his sins.
He did all kinds of things.
He had this terrible
allergy to cats.
So he used to carry a kitten
in his pocket.
And sniff it from time to time.
His head just inflated
like a balloon.
Fair play to him.
Could you not knock the rollerblading
on the head for two weeks?
I know. I know, Ted. I used to be
happy enough with the old bike,
get a great buzz
going down to the shops.
But after a while,
it just wasn't enough.
I just kept going for
bigger and bigger thrills.
But I can handle it.
I could quit any time I want.
Well, you tried to quit
yesterday and you couldn't.
You're right, Ted. I admit it.
I have a problem.
Come on. No need for that,
not now we're getting outside help.
Come on, come on.
God, why do nuns have such awful
music when you're on hold?
If I hear Ave Maria
one more time, I don't know.
Excuse me!
# Ave Maria #
- 'Excuse me!'
- Yes?
'How much longer
am I going to be on hold?'
She'll be with you
in a second, Father.
# Ave Maria #
Hello, Sister Mary Gondola,
how can I help you?
Ah, hello.
My name is Father Ted Crilly.
Could you send somebody out?
We have a small problem here
keeping our Lenten vows.
What do you wish to give up?
Well, erm, cigarettes, alcohol
and, erm...rollerblading.
All right. On special offer this
month we have the Lenten package.
?150 plus VAT plus booking fee...
That's ?200.
?200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!
We have a basic offer at ?50.
That'll do fine, thanks.
Now, how do you wish to pay?
We accept all major credit cards.
- (Beeping)
- Hold, please, Father.
# Ave Maria #
(Snoring and growling)
Listen, I'll have to ring you back.
What's up with him, Ted?
The last of the alcohol
has left his system.
He might actually be sober.
Is that it? Are you seeing things
as they really are at last?
Oh, my God!
Yes, that's it, all right.
Sobriety for Father Jack must be like
taking some mad hallucinogenic.
Where are the other two?
The other two?
Ah, I see.
The old vision's back to normal.
- There's just the two of us.
- What do you two do, then?
We're priests.
What? Priests!
Don't tell me I'm still
on that feckin' island!
Well... Well, yes, Father.
How do you feel?
Must be great to be sober
every once in a while.
Or even...every 12 years.
- Chair!
- Well done, Father.
- Curtains.
- Yes, that's right!
Floor!
All coming back to you,
is it, Father?
Gobshite! Yes!
I remember! I remember!
I'm off on my Lenten pilgrimage
now, Fathers.
- Off to St Patrick's Hill.
- What's that, Ted?
A big mountain. You have to take
your socks off to go up it.
At the top, they chase you back
down with a big plank.
It's great fun.
Oh, I don't want it to be
any fun at all, Father.
I want a good miserable time.
k eep me on the straight and narrow.
I met a couple there last year,
it did them the world of good.
They were a bit obsessed
with the old s-e-x.
God, I'm glad I never think of
that type of thing,
that whole sexual world.
God, when you think of it, it's
a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it?
Can you imagine, Father?
Looking up at your husband
and him standing over you
with his lead in his hand,
wanting you to degrade yourself.
God Almighty,
can you imagine that, Father?
Can you picture it, Father?
Get a good mental picture.
Can you see him there,
ready to do the business?
(Doorbell)
DOORBELL! Doorbell, Mrs Doyle,
the doorbell.
Hey, hey, hey! You there!
What the hell is this?
That's a spoon, Father.
Come on, she'll be here.
- Hello... Ah! Sister Assumpta!
- Hello, Father.
Dougal, do you remember
Sister Assumpta?
Ah, no.
She was here last year.
Then we stayed with her
in the convent in kildare.
Do you remember it?
Ah, you do. You were hit by the
car when you went down the shops.
You must remember. Then you won
?100 with your lottery card?
You must remember it.
Weren't you arrested for shoplifting?
I remember we had to go down to
the police station to get you.
And the police station went on fire?
And you had to be rescued
by helicopter?
Do you remember?
You can't remember any of that?
The helicopter! When you
fell out of the helicopter!
Over the zoo!
Do you remember the tigers?
You don't remember?
You were wearing your blue jumper.
Ahh! Sister Assumpta! Hello!
Hello.
I had no idea you were with
the Matty Hislop crowd.
Ever since I read his pamphlets,
abstinence has been
both my keeper and my reward.
Great. Anyhow, all we want is the
basic ?50 job, the bare essentials.
k eep us off the booze
and fags and the rollerblading.
I'm afraid the rollerblading
is my own particular vice.
Well, we'll do our best.
I'm looking forward to it.
You know, I sort of am.
Do us good to exercise the willpower.
Father Jack,
are you looking forward to it?
You remember Father Jack?
- Yes.
- Nan!
No, it's "nun".
Nun! Ahhhhh!
Bye, Father!
He's just gone for his walk.
(Foghorn )
Good morning, Fathers.
Breakfast in five minutes.
God Almighty. What was that thing?
Is there a fire in the house?
I suppose it's just time to get up.
It's...it's 5am.
Look, Dougal. 5am.
God, I've never seen a clock
at 5am before.
(Giggling)
She's obviously made a mistake.
Let's go back to bed.
Fair enough, Ted. What are you doing?
Writing her a note to say we don't
usually get up till later.
Oh. Good figuring, Ted.
(Foghorn )
Oh, I don't know. A bit of breakfast
and I suppose we'll be fine.
- God, I hope so, Ted.
- Sister Assumpta,
we're only down for the basic
booze, fags and rollerblading deal.
The getting up early thing,
it's great but...
- This is water.
- That's right, Father.
All right. Having a bit of a laugh
with the thickos from the island.
Where's our real breakfast?
Ted, I'd love a Pop-Tart.
Yes, Father Dougal
likes his Pop-Tarts first thing.
I don't think Pop-Tarts
have any place
in Our Lord's plan for the world.
They have as much a place
as anything else.
Maybe He doesn't take
a personal interest
but I'm sure he delegates it
to someone important.
- What about Frosties?
- The same thing.
Not His idea, but He gave them
the green light.
Oh, right. But if you take
Sugar Puffs or Lucky Charms...
FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEA...!
Could you please stop having
that conversation?
Just finish your breakfast and come
outside for a daily punishment.
Fair enough, so.
We'll just finish the...
Daily what?
I'm sorry, what did you say there?
Your daily punishment.
Matty Hislop's ten-step
programme to rid you of pride,
the greatest obstacle
to inner fulfilment.
Oh. That sounds...sounds great.
Now, how are we two doing?
- (Ted shivering) F-Fine.
- More ice?
No, I might enjoy that too much.
Very refreshing, the old ice.
Soon we can begin the ten steps.
What? This isn't the first one?
There's still ten to go?
Father, of course!
This is just to cleanse you.
- A form of preparation.
- For what?!
Are we going into space?!
I can't feel my legs!
Oh, God. Still ten to go.
Hopefully it'll just involve
a bit of an old pray.
Ahhh!
Oh, God, I'm looking forward
to this. Whoop!
(Screaming)
Ted, guess what she's
replaced my mattress with?
Oh, that's it. That's it.
She's obviously insane, Dougal.
We've got to get out of here.
- Where'll we go?
- We know loads of people.
What about Mwengwe?
His parents are away for
the weekend and he's got satellite.
(Sighing) Dougal,
he lives in Addis Ababa.
- What about Dick Byrne?
- I'm not ringing Dick Byrne.
I know. I'll call Father Larry Duff.
He'll put us up for a while.
(Mobile phone and buzzer)
(Audience groans )
(Mobile continues ringing)
Oh, wait,
he told me not to call tonight.
He's got this important thing on.
I suppose it'll have to be
Father Dick Byrne on Rugged Island.
Come on. I'll leave her a note
saying we've gone to a funeral.
Or an autopsy. Why don't we say
we had to go to an autopsy instead?
That'll be more exciting.
No, Dougal.
A funeral is more believable.
- Oh, right.
- Now, listen.
We've got to do this
as quietly as possible, Ok?
Don't suddenly panic. If we
take it easy, we won't wake her.
What was that?
(Ted) RUN!
(Crashing and pounding down stairs )
(Door opening, shutting)
(Car revving)
(Sister Assumpta ) Quiet in there!
Come on, Fathers, we're to get an
early start or we'll miss the rain.
Right.
(Ted) God, what a dump.
They're probably asleep.
I'll just knock gently.
Oh, right,
so's you won't wake them up.
No, I'll wake them
so they can let us in.
But then shouldn't you
just knock loudly?
Right. Good point, Dougal.
- Ted, maybe they're not home.
- No, I definitely heard something.
I should've known.
You just can't trust Dick Byrne.
As priests go,
he's a really bad priest.
Yeah. And we've still got
38 days of Lent to go.
I know.
- (Ted chuckling)
- Erm...
This isn't what it looks like.
Well, this certainly puts
a different spin on things.
You won't tell anyone, will you?
I couldn't help it,
they were just so...chocolatey.
I can't go back until after Easter.
Please don't tell them
I gave into temptation.
She's been eating chocolate!
Oh, God! Please, Father.
You must be so disappointed in me.
If there's anything I can do
to make it up.
Well, ah...
Here's a mad idea.
( # Rock)
Hello, Sister. How can I help you?
I'm back, Fathers!
Oh, my God!
# Rex!
# Rex! #
(Mrs Doyle humming off-key )
Ah, Father.
I see you put up the old cross.
What's that all about?
People may be confused about
where the parochial house is.
So I put a big cross up
in the garden.
I hope they know it means
I'm a priest and not some madman.
Some madman's put up a cross.
Lovely.
- Ted, I'm off rollerblading.
- All right, Dougal.
(Phone )
Hello, Craggy Island parochial house.
Father Ted Crilly.
- Hello, Ted. Dick Byrne here.
- Oh. Dick.
I thought I'd wish you
all the best for Lent this year.
What? Oh, yeah, Lent.
What are you giving up?
Being the biggest eejit
in the priesthood?
Seriously, Ted. If we could just
put joking aside for a minute.
'Lent is a solemn time of year.'
We've had our disagreements,
but at the end of the day
we are brothers in Christ.
Oh, well.
We're making a special effort
this year.
I've given up cigarettes,
Father Johnson alcohol
and Father MacDuff skateboarding.
And the atmosphere of serenity
and devotion to Our Lord
in the parochial house
is very special indeed.
Right.
So what about it, Ted?
Will you make a similar effort?
Will you join us, Ted?
Will you go the extra mile this year?
I suppose you're right, Dick.
We should make a special effort.
It'll be worth it, Ted.
God bless you.
Goodbye, Dick, and erm...
G-God bless you, Dick.
So, that's it.
I'm giving up the fags.
Father Jack can give
the old drink a miss
and no more rollerblading
until Easter.
Easter's miles away.
A sacrifice isn't easy.
Don't forget why we do this.
I know.
Because of the sacrifice Our Lord...
More importantly, I'm not gonna
be beaten by Father Byrne
in the giving-things-up competition.
And that's what this is,
a competition.
We've got to show him
what we can do.
Especially after
that Scrabble fiasco.
You've never told us what happened.
I don't know how he did it,
he must've cheated!
But he got all his words to say
"Useless priest can't say Mass."
So no more fags,
rollerblading or booze until Easter.
All right.
Who wants their afternoon drink?
Drink? Oh, yes!
- No.
- No?!
You said you'd give it up
for a couple of days.
- What?!
- Offer it up for Our Lord.
Arlord? Who's Arlord?
No, Our Lord.
I suppose I made your vow for you.
But I know you'd like
to make a sacrifice.
Sacrifice? Arse!
It's a special time
of the year for all of us.
Drink! Drink!
You won't find any there.
- I've put them somewhere safe.
- Where?
Don't sulk, Father.
Here we go. No more fags
for me now until Easter.
Ah, great. No problem there at all.
(Chuckling and sighing)
God Almighty. I don't even miss
them at all. This is easy!
Yes, I'm not even thinking about
smoking. Not thinking about it!
It's beginning to kick in, Ted.
Me, too. God, this is terrible.
I don't like this at all!
Maybe we should stick with it, Ted.
We've come through worse.
Don't forget Dick Byrne.
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
- Don't you think so, Ted?
- Hm? Oh.
I certainly do. Absolutely.
How are you doing, Father?
You all right?
Do you want me to...
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Blah, blah, blah...
- Father?
- Is he all right?
I think he's just
circling the airport.
- (Doorbell)
- Better get that. You Ok?
What? Oh, yeah.
Don't make a show of yourself.
"Yes, Father. Hello, Father.
You're so great, Father."
- Oh, you make me sick.
- You're feckin' worse.
"Oh, Father, you're brilliant.
Father, you should be Pope."
It doesn't impress him.
Makes me sick.
God, you're an...
- Ah, Father.
- Hello, John, Mary.
Father, you look wonderful.
Is that a new outfit?
- We brought you some Easter eggs.
- Oh, that's terribly nice.
I think it comes to about ?8.
We thought we'd bring it down to you.
We're going on holidays and
we're not sure when we'll be back.
- Yes, we're going to Rome.
- Oh! So looking forward to it!
We might see your friend.
Who's that, Sophia Loren?
No, Father. The Pope!
He's no friend of mine!
Actually, that might've sounded
a little disrespectful. Sorry.
No problem, Father.
Ahhhhhhh.
(Snoring)
(Empty bottles clanging)
(Thud)
(Ted groaning)
(Sighs )
One day. You'd think we could
go one day without giving in.
Hello? Hello.
When I think of the sacrifices
Matty Hislop made.
- Who?
- Matty Hislop.
A drunkard who found God
and punished himself for his sins.
He did all kinds of things.
He had this terrible
allergy to cats.
So he used to carry a kitten
in his pocket.
And sniff it from time to time.
His head just inflated
like a balloon.
Fair play to him.
Could you not knock the rollerblading
on the head for two weeks?
I know. I know, Ted. I used to be
happy enough with the old bike,
get a great buzz
going down to the shops.
But after a while,
it just wasn't enough.
I just kept going for
bigger and bigger thrills.
But I can handle it.
I could quit any time I want.
Well, you tried to quit
yesterday and you couldn't.
You're right, Ted. I admit it.
I have a problem.
Come on. No need for that,
not now we're getting outside help.
Come on, come on.
God, why do nuns have such awful
music when you're on hold?
If I hear Ave Maria
one more time, I don't know.
Excuse me!
# Ave Maria #
- 'Excuse me!'
- Yes?
'How much longer
am I going to be on hold?'
She'll be with you
in a second, Father.
# Ave Maria #
Hello, Sister Mary Gondola,
how can I help you?
Ah, hello.
My name is Father Ted Crilly.
Could you send somebody out?
We have a small problem here
keeping our Lenten vows.
What do you wish to give up?
Well, erm, cigarettes, alcohol
and, erm...rollerblading.
All right. On special offer this
month we have the Lenten package.
?150 plus VAT plus booking fee...
That's ?200.
?200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!
We have a basic offer at ?50.
That'll do fine, thanks.
Now, how do you wish to pay?
We accept all major credit cards.
- (Beeping)
- Hold, please, Father.
# Ave Maria #
(Snoring and growling)
Listen, I'll have to ring you back.
What's up with him, Ted?
The last of the alcohol
has left his system.
He might actually be sober.
Is that it? Are you seeing things
as they really are at last?
Oh, my God!
Yes, that's it, all right.
Sobriety for Father Jack must be like
taking some mad hallucinogenic.
Where are the other two?
The other two?
Ah, I see.
The old vision's back to normal.
- There's just the two of us.
- What do you two do, then?
We're priests.
What? Priests!
Don't tell me I'm still
on that feckin' island!
Well... Well, yes, Father.
How do you feel?
Must be great to be sober
every once in a while.
Or even...every 12 years.
- Chair!
- Well done, Father.
- Curtains.
- Yes, that's right!
Floor!
All coming back to you,
is it, Father?
Gobshite! Yes!
I remember! I remember!
I'm off on my Lenten pilgrimage
now, Fathers.
- Off to St Patrick's Hill.
- What's that, Ted?
A big mountain. You have to take
your socks off to go up it.
At the top, they chase you back
down with a big plank.
It's great fun.
Oh, I don't want it to be
any fun at all, Father.
I want a good miserable time.
k eep me on the straight and narrow.
I met a couple there last year,
it did them the world of good.
They were a bit obsessed
with the old s-e-x.
God, I'm glad I never think of
that type of thing,
that whole sexual world.
God, when you think of it, it's
a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it?
Can you imagine, Father?
Looking up at your husband
and him standing over you
with his lead in his hand,
wanting you to degrade yourself.
God Almighty,
can you imagine that, Father?
Can you picture it, Father?
Get a good mental picture.
Can you see him there,
ready to do the business?
(Doorbell)
DOORBELL! Doorbell, Mrs Doyle,
the doorbell.
Hey, hey, hey! You there!
What the hell is this?
That's a spoon, Father.
Come on, she'll be here.
- Hello... Ah! Sister Assumpta!
- Hello, Father.
Dougal, do you remember
Sister Assumpta?
Ah, no.
She was here last year.
Then we stayed with her
in the convent in kildare.
Do you remember it?
Ah, you do. You were hit by the
car when you went down the shops.
You must remember. Then you won
?100 with your lottery card?
You must remember it.
Weren't you arrested for shoplifting?
I remember we had to go down to
the police station to get you.
And the police station went on fire?
And you had to be rescued
by helicopter?
Do you remember?
You can't remember any of that?
The helicopter! When you
fell out of the helicopter!
Over the zoo!
Do you remember the tigers?
You don't remember?
You were wearing your blue jumper.
Ahh! Sister Assumpta! Hello!
Hello.
I had no idea you were with
the Matty Hislop crowd.
Ever since I read his pamphlets,
abstinence has been
both my keeper and my reward.
Great. Anyhow, all we want is the
basic ?50 job, the bare essentials.
k eep us off the booze
and fags and the rollerblading.
I'm afraid the rollerblading
is my own particular vice.
Well, we'll do our best.
I'm looking forward to it.
You know, I sort of am.
Do us good to exercise the willpower.
Father Jack,
are you looking forward to it?
You remember Father Jack?
- Yes.
- Nan!
No, it's "nun".
Nun! Ahhhhh!
Bye, Father!
He's just gone for his walk.
(Foghorn )
Good morning, Fathers.
Breakfast in five minutes.
God Almighty. What was that thing?
Is there a fire in the house?
I suppose it's just time to get up.
It's...it's 5am.
Look, Dougal. 5am.
God, I've never seen a clock
at 5am before.
(Giggling)
She's obviously made a mistake.
Let's go back to bed.
Fair enough, Ted. What are you doing?
Writing her a note to say we don't
usually get up till later.
Oh. Good figuring, Ted.
(Foghorn )
Oh, I don't know. A bit of breakfast
and I suppose we'll be fine.
- God, I hope so, Ted.
- Sister Assumpta,
we're only down for the basic
booze, fags and rollerblading deal.
The getting up early thing,
it's great but...
- This is water.
- That's right, Father.
All right. Having a bit of a laugh
with the thickos from the island.
Where's our real breakfast?
Ted, I'd love a Pop-Tart.
Yes, Father Dougal
likes his Pop-Tarts first thing.
I don't think Pop-Tarts
have any place
in Our Lord's plan for the world.
They have as much a place
as anything else.
Maybe He doesn't take
a personal interest
but I'm sure he delegates it
to someone important.
- What about Frosties?
- The same thing.
Not His idea, but He gave them
the green light.
Oh, right. But if you take
Sugar Puffs or Lucky Charms...
FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEA...!
Could you please stop having
that conversation?
Just finish your breakfast and come
outside for a daily punishment.
Fair enough, so.
We'll just finish the...
Daily what?
I'm sorry, what did you say there?
Your daily punishment.
Matty Hislop's ten-step
programme to rid you of pride,
the greatest obstacle
to inner fulfilment.
Oh. That sounds...sounds great.
Now, how are we two doing?
- (Ted shivering) F-Fine.
- More ice?
No, I might enjoy that too much.
Very refreshing, the old ice.
Soon we can begin the ten steps.
What? This isn't the first one?
There's still ten to go?
Father, of course!
This is just to cleanse you.
- A form of preparation.
- For what?!
Are we going into space?!
I can't feel my legs!
Oh, God. Still ten to go.
Hopefully it'll just involve
a bit of an old pray.
Ahhh!
Oh, God, I'm looking forward
to this. Whoop!
(Screaming)
Ted, guess what she's
replaced my mattress with?
Oh, that's it. That's it.
She's obviously insane, Dougal.
We've got to get out of here.
- Where'll we go?
- We know loads of people.
What about Mwengwe?
His parents are away for
the weekend and he's got satellite.
(Sighing) Dougal,
he lives in Addis Ababa.
- What about Dick Byrne?
- I'm not ringing Dick Byrne.
I know. I'll call Father Larry Duff.
He'll put us up for a while.
(Mobile phone and buzzer)
(Audience groans )
(Mobile continues ringing)
Oh, wait,
he told me not to call tonight.
He's got this important thing on.
I suppose it'll have to be
Father Dick Byrne on Rugged Island.
Come on. I'll leave her a note
saying we've gone to a funeral.
Or an autopsy. Why don't we say
we had to go to an autopsy instead?
That'll be more exciting.
No, Dougal.
A funeral is more believable.
- Oh, right.
- Now, listen.
We've got to do this
as quietly as possible, Ok?
Don't suddenly panic. If we
take it easy, we won't wake her.
What was that?
(Ted) RUN!
(Crashing and pounding down stairs )
(Door opening, shutting)
(Car revving)
(Sister Assumpta ) Quiet in there!
Come on, Fathers, we're to get an
early start or we'll miss the rain.
Right.
(Ted) God, what a dump.
They're probably asleep.
I'll just knock gently.
Oh, right,
so's you won't wake them up.
No, I'll wake them
so they can let us in.
But then shouldn't you
just knock loudly?
Right. Good point, Dougal.
- Ted, maybe they're not home.
- No, I definitely heard something.
I should've known.
You just can't trust Dick Byrne.
As priests go,
he's a really bad priest.
Yeah. And we've still got
38 days of Lent to go.
I know.
- (Ted chuckling)
- Erm...
This isn't what it looks like.
Well, this certainly puts
a different spin on things.
You won't tell anyone, will you?
I couldn't help it,
they were just so...chocolatey.
I can't go back until after Easter.
Please don't tell them
I gave into temptation.
She's been eating chocolate!
Oh, God! Please, Father.
You must be so disappointed in me.
If there's anything I can do
to make it up.
Well, ah...
Here's a mad idea.
( # Rock)
Hello, Sister. How can I help you?
I'm back, Fathers!
Oh, my God!