Father Ted (1995–1998): Season 2, Episode 8 - Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading - full transcript

(Woman on TV) 'Societies in ancient
India were ruled by women.'

'Really?'

'And men weren't allowed around women
without a licence.

'They were told off
for being sexist.'

'Anyway, you're going to do
a song from your new album.'

God, what an eejit. She's never
happy unless she's complaining.

Oh, you're right there, Ted.

'I believe this new song
is about the Catholic Church?'

Here she goes.

'It's about how
the Church in Ireland

'secretly had lots of potatoes
during the famine,



'and hid them in pillows and sold
them abroad at potato fairs.'

- 'Really.'
- 'The Pope closed the factories

'making the potatoes and turned
them into prisons for children.'

God Almighty! She says that
as if it was sinister!

What is the problem with her?!

She seems to be taking the whole
Catholic thing a bit seriously.

- Yes, Dougal.
- It's just a bit of a laugh.

Stop talking, Dougal.

Anyway, this whole radical
feminism really gets my goat.

Mad!

This idea that the Catholic Church
has a negative attitude to women.

Here's her song.

# Big men in frocks

# Tellin' us what to do



# They can't get pregnant

# Like I do... #

Mrs Doyle, you're a woman.
What do you make of this?

- Is the Catholic Church sexist?
- Oh, God, no, Father.

I've always found the Church
very responsive to my views.

One time I was having
terrible troubles at home

and the Church gave me great support.

A lot of people
like to run the Church down,

but they're just a load of
old moaners - moan, moan, moan!

So thanks for asking, Father, but no.

No, I have no complaints at all.

Yeah, great.

# You give us all your rules

# But that's not the way it was

# Women ruled the land of...

(Indecipherable )

- (Alarm )
- Oh, no!

(Jack) Drink!

God, he goes mad if I'm
a second late with his drink.

Father Jack, your afternoon drink.

You know,
you should really get a haircut.

Don't go too far
down that Bob Geldof road.

- God, Ted, that's a bad road.
- It is indeed, Dougal.

And there's no coming back.

As Bob himself will tell you.
(Laughing)

Oh!

What did you pay
for the shelves, Ted?

I don't really remember, Liam.

These won't last you.

Look, you could talk that
into coming down.

Well, they've lasted fine until now.

Give us a go.

Oh, God, Ted, I can feel it
beginning to give.

Ah, look at that, Ted.
Sure, it's falling apart!

- How about a little cup of tea?
- Fair enough.

So, erm...

- What did you want to talk about?
- Oh, yes. Now...

You were going to the Lovely
Girls Festival this year, right?

I never miss
the Lovely Girls Festival.

My absolute favourite time of year.

How is Miss Lovely Girl 1995 doing?

Ted, we had to strip her
of her title.

Oh, God. Why?

We found out she'd been in
a film called Stallion Farm.

I heard it was a bit rude.

Anyway, I'm chairman of
the organising committee this year,

and I was wondering
if you wanted to judge it.

Judge it? Oh, God, Liam, I'd love to.

And there's the dinner afterwards.

Oh, yes. You have the honour
of taking the winner out for a meal.

And who pays for it? It's not me,
did I hear that somewhere?

Yes, that's right. We brought
that in a few years ago.

You get to take her out for a meal,

- she gets to pay for it.
- Lovely.

How much did that stereo
set you back, Ted?

About ?100.

I could've got you a great one
for half that.

Careful, Liam.
Anyway, you were saying?

- (Clanking)
- Oh, yes.

Now, when you take
the Lovely Girl out to dinner,

could you persuade her to wear
one of me mammy's dresses?

- She could use the publicity.
- Right.

- How's the business going?
- Great!

She sold one last week.

How many is that sold this year?

That'd be one.

You see? Anyway...

Basically, you see...

we thought it'd be a laugh
getting a priest to judge it.

Also, it eliminates
any sexual aspect to the thing.

Or am I wrong, huh?

I hope you won't be tempted
by all those Lovely Girls.

There's no chance of that, Liam.

Cos we've had problems
with that sort of thing before.

No, no, Ted.
We really have had problems.

Right. You don't
have to worry there, Liam.

Right. I'll be off.

Goodbye, Liam.

How much did you pay
for the door, Ted?

I don't know.
It came with the house.

Cowboys, Ted!
They're a bunch of cowboys!

Oh, God. There she is again.
She's all over the place.

"Clit power"? What does that mean?

Don't know.

I knew a Father Clint Power.

Maybe she's having a go at him.

- What's the interview like?
- I didn't read much of it.

She's going around the country. She
wants to buy a house on an island,

some godforsaken place
off the west coast.

Really?

Did it mention what island
she had her eye on?

Craggy Island, yeah.
Craggy Island's the place for me.

'I see it as being a safe haven

'for those who wish to escape
the hypocrisy of the mainland.'

Oh, God.

'I want a world free of sexual
and religious intolerance.'

No, no, no. That's terrible news.

Right. We just have
to stand our ground.

I'm bound to bump into her.

The people here
won't stand for a world

free of sexual
and religious intolerance.

No way, Jose.

Right, Father.
The roof should be Ok now.

I hoovered the upstairs
and I did the attic, top to bottom.

What else? Oh, yes, yes.

I washed your car. Also, I built
a greenhouse beside the garage.

Will that be all for today?

Oh, Mrs Doyle.

Any chance of a cup of tea
for your two favourite priests?

(Whistling)

God, Ted, it's only 11.
What are you doing up?

I want to get away early
to the Lovely Girls competition.

I wouldn't know
what to say to a Lovely Girl.

There's no end of things
you can talk about.

What their father does,
if they have a boyfriend, dresses,

anything to do with
clothes and perfume.

Clothes is easiest
because men don't wear perfume.

- Except Father Bigley.
- Except Father Bigley.

Anyway, if you ever meet a woman
I'm sure you'll deal with it.

Just be yourself,
make them feel at ease,

and the golden rule -
always let them have their way.

It's easiest in the long run.

I'm off. I don't want to keep
those Lovely Girls waiting.

Ok, right.

"Be...yourself..."

(Chattering)

How are you, how are you doing?

(Chuckling)
She's coming for you, Billy!

She's got her eye on Paddy.

Lads, how's it going?

We're getting the eye
from all the girls.

I hope you don't get into
any mischief.

- You know us, Father.
- I do, and that's the trouble.

Lads, I have to go,
the competition starts any second.

Now, Father, that's not on,
impersonating Sir Bob.

What would the other
Live Aid people think?

Peter Gabriel and Queen
and all the other bands?

Phil Collins
flew all the way to Boston!

- Ooh!
- Feck off!

Shoddy workmanship,
that's what it is!

Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy!

Ted, for crying out loud,
will you get up there?

The girls won't stay lovely
forever, you know.

Sorry. Father Jack just punched me
in the stomach. God!

(Gasping) Hello, Lovely Girls.
Look at them there...

(Ted breathing heavily)

..walking around. (Gasping)

Ohh. Ohh.

(Ted groaning)

Oh...ohhh.

(Doorbell)

Mrs Doyle?

Someone at the door, Mrs Doyle.

(Doorbell)

Mrs Doyle!

(Woman ) Hello there.

Well, Imelda, you're a lovely girl.

I hear you had a bit of bad luck.

Your dog was knocked down
by a car and killed.

No, that was...that was my father.

It says here that you're 22.

19.

Right. You were born in Mayo,
that's a lovely part of the world.

- Dundalk.
- Dundalk, yeah.

And it says here that you're
a black belt in karate.

So what if I did that?!

- (Screams )
- Imelda! Tell you what.

You look through my notes

and stop at any information
that's actually true.

I will indeed, Father.

You haven't told me
your name yet, Father.

Erm...

"Be yourself." Right.

Father Dougal McGuire.

Oh, right.

This is a great house.

I love the crude religious imagery.

Yes, I like it.

Are you all right there?

- How's your bra?
- What?!

Your bra. Is it comfortable?

Do you have a bra?

What are you saying?

It's not too tight, is it?

Cos you can loosen it if you want.

Take it off, sure, go on.

Or would you like some tea?

I tell you what. I'll make the tea,
you take your bra off.

Oh, right.
Isn't that Bob Geldof there?

No, is it? Wait a second.

It is. He's looking a bit rough.

He lost all his money
in that Live Aid thing.

I'm not sure if it is Bob Geldof.
Hang on there a second.

- Excuse me, are you...?
- (Jack) Feck off!

It's himself, all right.

And now, walking.

Look at them there, walking around.

Look out there, Mary.

Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom?

Careful there, Ted.
That might offend the girls.

Right, Liam.

Of course,
they all have lovely bottoms.

Actually, Mrs Doyle
makes the tea, and she's out.

Why don't you just make the tea?

But Mrs Doyle makes the tea.

Anyway, I'd better just
tell you why I'm here.

I'm looking for a house in the area
and I really, really like this one.

I'm sorry. Your sandwich exceeds
the required 6cm in width,

so it's between Imelda and Mary
in the Lovely Laugh tie-break.

In order to hear your lovely laugh,
I'll tell you a joke.

So here we go.
This is my Robin Williams impression.

This is the joke.

Secretary: "Sir,
the Invisible Man is in reception."

Got that?

Boss: "Tell him I can't see him."

I think I have to say Imelda's
laugh is nicer. I'm sorry, Mary.

That means Imelda is the winner!

( # Organ fanfare )

And there's your
Certificate of Loveliness

and you'll be going to dinner

in Craggy Island's top
seafood restaurant, the Thai Cottage.

- Who will you be inviting?
- My mother.

Just have another go.

Sorry. I'll be inviting you, Father.

Yes, you will!

And you'll be paying.
It's not me who pays.

So there she is, the winner
of our Lovely Girl 1996, Imelda!

There you are. How did
the Lovely Girls competition go?

Brilliantly well. And I get
a free dinner tomorrow night.

- Great. Is Jack with you?
- Oh, God. Jack.

Wow. You really knocked
Michael Hutchence unconscious?

I battered him!

- Anyway, anything happen?
- No. Can't think of anything.

Oh, one Niamh Connolly called.

Niamh Connolly?
What did you say to her?

Oh, don't worry, Ted. It was fine.

I took your advice and it was grand.

- She's upstairs now.
- She's still here?

Yeah. I think she's in the toilet.

Oh. Hello again.

I was just telling Ted
you were in the toilet.

- Hello.
- Hello there.

Father Ted Crilly.
You must be Miss Connolly.

I suppose that's sexist now,
to call a young lady "Miss".

It's too late for me to change. You
can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Well, it's getting kinda late.

Oh, right. I won't keep you.

- Bye, so.
- Bye.

- Goodbye, Father.
- Yes, goodbye.

Oh, Ted, that's the other thing.
I sold Niamh the house.

What?!

Actually, I just gave it to her.

What?! You... Wait a minute!

She's gonna make it a studio. We can
have all the recording time we want.

Wait, now. Wait, now!

You gave her the house?! How...

Wait! Where are we going to live?

Miss Connolly, there's been
a terrible misunderstanding.

Look, I have to record a duet
over the phone with Peter Gabriel.

I hope you don't mind, but Nigel
and Tony will show you out.

I'm sorry
but we're not going anywhere.

- Oh?
- (Ted) Right.

I'm not staying here
to be insulted by you.

I wouldn't stay in this house
if you gave me a million pounds!

Wait a minute. I meant to say,
"Please give us back the house."

What did I say? Why are we outside?

Ted, where are we going to live?

(Thunder and pouring rain )

God, Dougal. I go away for a few
hours and you give away the house.

Tell me again. What exactly happened?

I was sticking to your rules.
Number one - "Be yourself."

No, no, no, no, no. "Be yourself"
is just something people say.

Never be yourself with women.
Never, never, never!

- What then?
- I made her more comfortable.

- Like you said.
- Yes.

So I asked her to take off her bra.

We'll come back to that one.

- But you gave away the house.
- What about the golden rule?

- "Give them what they want."
- No. That's the silver rule.

The golden rule is, "Think about what
you're saying, then don't say it.

"And then just
run away somewhere." Right?

All right. This is a long shot,
but it's our only hope.

I'm going to leave this paper
and pencil here.

Hopefully in the morning, God will
have written down what we should do.

That is a long shot.

It's our only hope, Dougal.

Come on, God.

Ted! Ted! What is it?
Did God write back?

No, He didn't.

Bollocks, anyway.

Right, I'm gonna have
to handle this myself.

Basically, the thing is the house.

It wasn't Dougal's to give away.

It would be great to give it back.

I think you'd be interested in
the work we do here.

I hope it's not some hideaway
for paedophile priests,

that whole thing disgusted me.

Niamh, we're not all like that.

Say there's 200 million priests
and 5% of them are paedophiles.

That's still only ten million.

No, we want a world free
of intolerance and hypocrisy.

Really, Father?

Yes. If there's one thing I hate
it's hypocrisy.

I mean the sexism rampant
in the Church is appalling!

- Yes.
- God! It gets my goat!

We're different on Craggy Island.
We don't like any of that.

Ah, Ted! Who is this lovely girl?

Now, Ted, you were only supposed
to pick one.

Don't call me a lovely girl.
I've sold 20 million records.

What?

Anyway, Ted, what do you think?

This one or this one?

You know, I like this one.

Well, that's a nice one, Liam.

But I like the colour of this one.
Oh! I just don't know.

Well, they're both great.

Whichever one you pick,
it'll be lovely.

Thanks, Ted.

You see? All sorts of alternative
lifestyles catered for.

We're a refuge for priests
like Father Liam.

Where else could he give a sermon
while dressed like Joan Crawford?

Please, Niamh,
don't take away our house.

Don't stop our good work.

You know, I have to say, Father.

I had no idea that priests could
be involved in such good work.

You have the old-fashioned view
of drunken, lecherous priests.

- That stereotype is long gone!
- (Alarm )

(Alarm stops )

(Crashing upstairs )

(Thudding)

(Clomping down stairs )

(Glass shattering)

Drink!

- Woman!
- Father Billy!

Can't talk just at the moment,
see you later.

Father Billy would be
one of our more old-style priests.

He pops around for
a good old debate once in a while.

But...he came from upstairs.

Yes, he hides around the house
so he can spring a topic on me.

Maybe he'd hide in the bathroom
and I'd go to the toilet

and he'd jump out
and say, "Women priests!"

And I'd think very fast and say,
"I'm in favour."

Anyway, the main thing
I wanted to say

is we're huge,
huge fans of yours here.

We must have every album
you ever made.

Would you like me
to sign them for you?

Oh, that'd be great. Could you?

Of course you should stay here.

After I've signed the albums,
I'll give the keys back.

I'll just go and get the records.
Thank you. Thank you.

(Gasping for breath)

Here, here...records.

What shall I put on them?

Don't care.

Father, I finished digging
that drainage ditch.

No, Mrs Doyle.

You wanted me to clean those
roof slates.

Mrs Doyle, no, don't!

I thought I might do them tomorrow

when there's less chance of me
falling off and being killed.

And then Sting fell down the stairs.

Will Father Ted be coming later?

No. He has to stay home
so Mrs Doyle can come out.

It's why I gave him the house back,

one night out a week for Mrs Doyle.

Maybe I should just go
and check on them.

Sit down.

Now, come on.
Let's enjoy ourselves, sisters.

No men around,
we can do what we like.

Is that meat?!

Do I still have to pay for this?

(Ted) There's no button
on the kettle!

Where are the tea bags?

Fire! Put me out, Ted, will you?

I just wanted a cup of tea!
I just wanted my tea!