Father Ted (1995–1998): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Plague - full transcript

Ted! Ted, quick! It's Father Ben!

Oh, great. I love this.

'God, Ben, I'm such an eejit.

'I've put the shorts on me head!'

'God Almighty, Brendan.
You're a big fool.'

This is...this is
really top-notch stuff.

That Brendan's an eejit.

I know someone just like Ben.

Big thicko!

(Helicopter)

(Crash)



(Man ) Come on, you two. Nearly there.

(Woman ) It's a bit creepy.

(Man ) There's nothing
that could harm...

(Twig snaps )

Ah. There he is now, anyway.

- He's great, isn't he?
- He is.

- Does he have a name?
- The pet shop didn't mention one.

I dunno... How about "Ted"?
That's a good name for a rabbit.

That's not a good idea.
You're forgetting I'm called Ted.

I could call you Father Ted.

No. You'll have to come up with
something a bit more original.

- Hello, Fathers.
- (Both) Hello, Mrs Doyle.

How about "Mrs Doyle"?

Mrs Doyle is not
a good name for a rabbit.



Something like "Popsy" or "Bruce".

Oh, right. Wait, I've got one.

You see the way he's got
big, floppy ears?

Yeah.

Why don't we call him
"Father Jack Hackett"?

Perfect. Father Jack it is.

- What?!
- Nothing. Dougal's named his rabbit.

- What?!
- You all right, Father Jack?

- What?!
- No. He's talking to the rabbit.

- What?!
- Father Jack wants a drink.

Drink! Drink!

- Give him some water.
- Water! Feck!

Dougal, this is getting
far too confusing.

I'm used to calling him Father Jack.
Call Father Jack something else.

Great. What'll we call him?

Flipper. Flipper the Priest.

Yes?

- Dougal, this is not going to work.
- (Phone )

- 'Father Crilly speaking.'
- Crilly, it's Bishop Brennan.

Oh, feck!

What?

(French accent) Who is this?
There is no Crilly 'ere.

God, I just said "feck"
to Bishop Brennan.

He won't like that.

It's Ok, I put on an accent so he'll
think he had the wrong number.

(Phone )

- 'Crilly.'
- Hello, Bishop Brennan.

I think
you got the wrong number there.

Shut up, Crilly. Shut up.

I'll make this quick.

What would the following words
suggest to you?

"Jack", "sleepwalking"

and "bollock-naked"?

Oh, no!

This is the third time
in the last six months.

You may have heard of Brian Noonan,

a very important Junior Minister,
and a personal friend.

And the last thing
he and his family needs to see

is the vision of an elderly priest
wearing only socks and a hat.

I'll be round on Thursday
to examine security arrangements.

- And Crilly?
- Yes?

If you ever try
to bullshit me like that again,

I will rip off your arms.

Bishop Brennan's coming
to have a word, Father,

- about your nude sleepwalking.
- Nudie Father Jack!

Can you think why
you might be doing that?

You're not having any doubts
about your vocation?

- What?!
- You can share problems with us.

We'll always listen.
Right, Dougal?

Absolutely.

D'you want to talk about it now?

Well, Ted - Byker Grove.

God, yes. After Byker Grove.

Go on, there. Go on, boy. Fetch!

Go on. Go on.

Come on,
don't let Bishop Brennan see him.

- He might like him.
- No, he doesn't like rabbits.

- Why not?
- It's a strange story.

Ten years ago he got trapped
in a lift with 20 rabbits.

They started nibbling his cape.

How did they get in?

They must've burrowed in.
You know rabbits.

- God, he can move fast enough.
- Why d'you say that?

He just shot across the floor.

Wait...

That's your rabbit.

- Yeah.
- Where did this one come from?

There's another one on Jack's head.

Make sure your rabbit
doesn't get mixed up with these.

- Come on, Sampras.
- What did you call him?

Sampras. Like Pete Sampras.

Why?

You know - rabbits, tennis -
that whole connection.

Oh, right. We'll just release
these spare ones into the wild, Ok?

Look at him without
any other rabbits for company.

He must feel like Brian k eenan
after they took John McCarthy away.

Anyway, he'll get used to it.

Morning, Father.

Bills, bills, more bills.

- Morning, Ted.
- Morning, Dougal.

What'll we do today?

Hide your rabbit
before Bishop Brennan comes.

He'd go mad
if he thought there's rabbit around.

- Fair enough.
- I hope he's in a good mood.

Len can be very scary when...

When...

(Screams )

- What's wrong, Ted?
- Rabbits!

Rabbits? Where? Oh, wow!

(Ted) Where did these ones
come from?

God, it's like a big
rabbit rock festival.

I suppose we'll just
have to get used to it.

"Get used to it?"
We have to get them out of here!

- I'll ring the shop.
- No, it was a travelling pet shop.

They won't be back till spring.

God! What are we gonna do?

There is actually
something we can do, Ted.

If we... Let me see now.
Just wait a second.

- I know. I've got it.
- What?

Now, the way I see it is if we...

Wait a second.
What's the problem again?

- The rabbits!
- Rabbits, yes. Sorry about that.

I know exactly what to do.
Give them to Father Larry Duff.

Right!

He's always going on about how
he'd love to have a few rabbits!

I used to think it was just
a mad thing to say.

(Ringing)

- 'Hello, Larry?'
- Hello, Ted. How's it hangin'?

It's hanging fine.
I've a bit of a problem.

Remember you were looking
for a few rabbits?

I do, Ted. That's one
of my all-time fantasies.

I'd love to have a few hundred
rabbits running all over the place.

Well, today's your lucky day.
We've got loads of the things!

Sorry, Ted.
I won't be able to take them.

- Why not, Larry?
- I gave up on the rabbits idea.

It just seemed too far-fetched.
So I got 12 Rottweilers instead.

I'd love to take the rabbits

only I'd be afraid
the Rottweilers might upset them.

- Yes, Larry. I understand. Bye.
- Ah, bye, Ted.

Oh, you're a bad dog.
Don't you look at me like that.

- (Growling and snarling)
- You're a very bad dog.

(Snarling and barking)

He can't take the rabbits.
He's got 12 Rottweilers.

- Hey! Hey! Hey, you!
- Yes, Father?

(Stuttering)

Rats!

Yes, Father, we can see them as well.

Hairy Japanese bastards!

D'you know what this is like?
A plague, a big rabbit plague.

I wonder if God is punishing us.

Maybe because I said "feck"
to Bishop Brennan.

If he'd send a plague
of rabbits for that,

what'll he do about that money
you stole from that charity?

Dougal, that money was just resting
in my account before I moved it on!

- Ted...
- It was a non-profit making...

Ted! The bunnies are gone!

- Where did they go?
- I think they followed Father Jack.

Amazing.

I always thought Father Jack
gave off a furry smell.

Maybe they think he's a rabbit god.

So if we keep Jack out of the way...

But Bishop Brennan's
coming to see Jack.

We'll have to get rid of them.

You know Paddy Jordan,
works at the greyhound track?

- Oh, yes.
- Get me his number. I've an idea.

(Buzzer)

(Banging)

Come on! Get out of it! Shoo! Shoo!

Call me old-fashioned,

but I prefer the
greyhounds-pursuing-rabbits approach.

It was just a thought.
I'll go and give Tom a call.

- He might be able to help.
- Coming, Father?

No. I've ?10
riding on that little beauty.

Come on, Eamonn! Come on, Eamonn!
Come on, Eamonn!

(Buzzer)

- 'Who's that? Go away!'
- Ah, Tom, it's just us.

'Right, Father. Come on down.'

Tom knows about this type of thing.
He'll help us.

- Hello, Fathers.
- Hello, Tom.

- Something to eat? A salad?
- No, thanks. Some other time.

You've a few rabbits for me?

- Yes, in the car.
- With you in a moment.

What's Tom going to do again?

He just said he'd
take care of them.

Probably collect them together
somewhere safe.

- So he'll just look after them?
- (Clattering)

I think he'll put them in a pen
where they can play.

(Chainsaw roaring)

..so there'll be
nothing to worry about.

(Dougal) That puts my mind to rest.

- There he is.
- Right, Father. Let's get to it.

That's an impressive sword.
Where will you put the rabbits?

- In the vice, Father.
- In the vice?

I've been practising
with this toy one.

First you stun it, right?

Then you put it in the vice.

Grab his legs there, Father.

Er, Tom, you know the phrase
"to take care of something"?

Yes, Father.

I realise now that you meant that
in a sort of Al Pacino way

whereas I was thinking more
along the lines of Julie Andrews.

They won't feel a thing.

- No.
- You can have a go if you want.

No, no, Tom. It's a bit cruel.

I could run 'em down in me van.

- Dougal, we'd better be off.
- What's the problem, Ted?

Have you nothing I can kill?

Sorry about that, Tom.

Ah, feck it! Feck it anyway!

(Ted) Run, Dougal. Run quite fast!

(Ted) I'm sure
it won't happen again.

(Brennan ) It better not.

Priests walking about in the nude
is the last thing that we need.

(Giggles ) Yes.

And as you can see, we've installed
a new closed-circuit camera.

And added a few modifications
to Jack's bed.

Ah, yes. Yes.
Now, this is new, isn't it?

Combined with the spikes,
escape is almost impossible.

And new pyjamas - very easy
to put on, very hard to get off

so that's the nudity sorted.

And, eh, you have the...

Ah, yes. The rope. (Chuckles )

I'd like to see him
chew through that.

Again.

In the event of him getting out,
we have this tracking device.

That cost ?50. Could we
get that back from the diocese?

Just joking!

- Ah, hello, Len.
- Don't call me Len. I'm a bishop.

- "Your Grace" is more appropriate.
- Oh, right. Hello.

Anyway... Yet again, I am dragged
away from my warm fireside

to come and deal with
the cast of Police Academy.

You behave yourself now, Jack.
You listening, Jack?

No!

- Drink, your Grace?
- A small one, please.

I'll just...
Would you like ice with it?

A drop of soda?

I'll just get the glasses.

- (Jack) Feck off!
- (Punch)

- A cup of tea, your Grace?
- Time for dinny-poos!

Thanks very much, Mrs Doyle.
That'll be grand.

Mm!

Oh, there you are, Bishop Brennan.

I thought I should tell you,
your car is parked outside.

I know it is. I parked it myself.

The tyres look a bit flat.
I could blow them up with the pump.

- No!
- What kind of air do you put in?

We've got ordinary or...
That's all we have.

If you're looking for the wipers,
they're in the kitchen.

What?

They looked like they needed a wash.
Only trouble is,

I broke the side window
while I was snapping them off.

Leave my car alone
and don't touch it again.

Just one question, your Grace.

- Is your car diesel or petrol?
- Leave it alone, Mrs Doyle.

No, no, no.
This is just curiosity, your Grace.

- Diesel or...?
- Diesel! It's diesel!

- So it's not petrol.
- No, it's not petrol.

It'd do terrible damage
if I put petrol in?

Yes. It would completely
ruin the car's engine.

Well... (Laughs hysterically)
I certainly won't do that, then!

You must clock up a fair old
mileage, going round the diocese,

doing the old bishop sort of...

Crilly, Crilly, where is my room?

Well, er, yours
is the spare room, your Grace.

It's the first on the right.

Er... This lettuce...

No, thanks.
I've already had some. You take it.

No, Crilly. Crilly, I mean this
lettuce - where did it come from?

You don't have rabbits, do you?

No! God, no!

I don't like them at all.
I had an experience once with some.

They got into a lift with me
and started to nibble my cape...

You've absolutely nothing
to worry about, your Grace.

That's just where we, um...

where we grow...the lettuce.

You-you grow lettuce...

indoors...in a cage?

Yes, it's safer, you know.

No one can steal it and, uh...

Well, you know,
it brightens up the room.

Uh-huh. Hmm.

Er... Crilly, what is this?

That's, um...

caviar.

Caviar?

It's not every day
we have a bishop round

so we thought
we'd get the caviar out.

Right, so you've
spread caviar down there

so I can get down on my knees
and eat off the floor?!

Yes.

What d'you think I am, a pony?
I'm going to my bed.

- Where are they?
- The bunnies?

Ah-ha. Somewhere really safe, Ted.

God...

- Where would that be?
- Guess.

It's almost the type of place
you wouldn't even think of.

God, I...I dunno.

That small room behind the kitchen?

The coal cellar?

- I've got it. The shed!
- No, it's not the shed.

Come on, where's the last place
you'd think I'd put them?

The last place I'd think
you'd put them would be...

W-would actually be...

- Bishop Brennan's room.
- Bingo!

Think about it, it's the last place
he'd expect to find them!

His room! He'd never look there!

Your Grace!

Your Grace!

- Your Grace, Your Grace...!
- What is it now?!

I just wanted to say, the whole
bishop thing, fair play to ya!

You probably get a lot of this,
but well done.

Who'd have thought somebody from
Limerick would get this far?

The other priests from the seminary
must feel pretty sick.

They must be looking
at the TV and going,

"How did that awful eejit
get to be a bishop?!"

Not me, I always felt you have
a sort of a bishopy air about you.

I'd just like to say -
can I shake your hand? - well done!

Crilly, come here.

I hate you.

So all that means
absolutely nothing to me.

Oh, I'm falling down the stairs!

(Yells)

Crilly, what happened?!

(Ted) I just
fell down the stairs there.

Are you injured?

I don't know...
My arm... I can't move...

Do you want somebody
to call an ambulance?

No, I'll just lie here for a while.

Rest is probably
the best thing for me, now.

Did you see that documentary
about Hiroshima?

Who'd think an atomic bomb
could do so much damage?

I'm going to bed!

I'm all right, Bishop.
I'm fine now, thanks. Phew!

(Dougal)
Ted, did Len find the rabbits?

What did he say?

I better tell you...

Did he call me Len again?!

You address me by my proper title,
you little bollocks!

(Dougal) Sorry, Bishop Len Brennan.

- What is he on about now?
- God knows.

What are ye on about, you big eejit?

- Did he find the rabbits?
- Shut up, Dougal!

Your Grace, your Grace...!

May I go in first?

- Why?
- All the other toilets are broken.

- Oh, it's just number ones.
- I don't want to know!

Oh, I needed that.

But there's no toilet in here!

Dougal, they're not in there!

- Are they not?
- No, that is a rabbit-free area.

I definitely put them in there.

Jack's room. Maybe they smelled him
and had to see him one last time.

You might be putting that in
an over-romantic way, but come on!

God, Dougal, you're right.
But how did they get in?

They must have burrowed in.
You know rabbits.

We've got to get them out
and as far away as possible!

Why not leave them here?

I can't relax
till the only rabbit left

is the one sitting in your head
working the controls!

God, Ted, there's loads more in here.

Look at this one! Doesn't he look
like that fella, Harvey k eitel?

God, Dougal,
how could a rabbit look like...

God Almighty!
It's the spitting image of him!

(Ted) Anyway, we haven't time
for things like that.

(Dougal) Go on, lads, go on.
In, in...

(Jack breathing heavily)

Ted, the bunnies are gone.

Oh, God! Where's Jack?!

Oh, my God! Not the Bishop's room!
Come on, Dougal!

- (Dougal, get as many as you can.)
- (All right. Come on, lads.)

- (Ted) Mind that one.
- (Brennan muttering)

Just a bad dream, your Grace.
Over in a mo.

Oh, right.

(Screaming)