Father Ted (1995–1998): Season 2, Episode 4 - Old Grey Whistle Theft - full transcript

..so he was having an affair with the
sister when his wife was in hospital.

- Wow.
- Incredible, isn't it?

So he makes the baby-sitter pregnant.

He doesn't know whether to stay with
the wife, sister or the baby-sitter!

- When's his next confession?
- Tuesday. I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, I'm really
looking forward to this.

Me, too. It's great
to take a day off.

It shouldn't
be just work, work, work.

It's not as if everybody will join
some mad religious cult

just because we go for a picnic.

I heard about those cults.
Everybody dressing in black



and saying our Lord's
going to come back and judge us all.

No... No, Dougal,

that's us, that's Catholicism
you're talking about.

Oh, right. Right.

Right, here's the sandwiches
for the picnic.

The rest are in the kitchen.

- Great.
- I hope you enjoy them, Father.

I love a sandwich. Any flavour,
as long as it isn't egg.

You know how much I hate egg. Even
the smell brings me out in a rash.

I wouldn't eat an egg sandwich
if you paid me. Stinking things!

Remember me telling you, anything
except egg? Anything but egg.

- They're egg, aren't they?
- Yes.

- Great.
- I'll eat them. I love egg.

Sometimes I think I like egg so much
that I'll turn into a giant egg.



I think that process
has already begun.

- Sorry, Ted?
- No, nothing.

- So, ready?
- Ready as I'll ever be, Ted.

I don't think I've looked forward
to anything as much as this picnic.

- Right, so.
- Oh, I just remembered. I can't go.

(Doorbell)

Is Dougal in?

- Hello, Father.
- Hello, Sergeant.

Just doing the rounds.

On the trail of some crazed murderer,
no doubt.

- What was that?
- Sorry?

- A crazed murderer! When was this?
- I was only joking.

Oh, right. If you ever hear
of a crazed murderer, report it.

- It'd give me something to do.
- Right.

- It's very quiet here.
- It is, yes.

So if you hear of anything, you know.
A car wrongly parked - anything.

Tax up-to-date on that car?

- It is, yes.
- Thought so.

Bye, Sergeant.

- Who was that young priest, Father?
- Oh, I don't know.

So Father McGuire isn't going
on the picnic, then?

No. Never mind.

I'm meeting Larry Duff and a few of
the lads. Better give them a call.

- All egg, yeah?
- Yes.

(Mobile phone rings)

Hello? Ah, hello, Ted.

- Hello, Larry. How are you?
- Ah, grand.

Bit of a problem, though. We mightn't
be able to make the picnic.

Ah, God, Larry. Why?

You know Father Williams
who was driving us over?

(Ted) 'Billy? What about him?'

Well, they found a big box
of machineguns in his house.

Didn't think he'd be interested
in that type of thing.

Ah, yeah, well.
You think you know someone...

Anyway, there you go. Bye. Bye...

Oh, well. Just myself, I suppose.

(Father Jack mutters)

- (Bottles clink)
- Drink!

It's not drink, Father.
It's just fizzy water.

Jacob's Creek Chardonnay, 1991!

- You can tell just from the sound?!
- Drink! Drink! Drink!

Father, I was thinking of going on
a little picnic.

On my own. Outside.

You wouldn't like it, Father. You'd
be much happier here. That is... I...

(Wind howls)

- Here, d'you want one?
- Ah, no, thanks, Father Lennon.

- What time's your tea ready?
- Frosty usually has it about six.

- Who?
- Frosty. Father Frost.

Oh, wow! Frosty. Brilliant!

What d'you call YOUR fella?

- Who, Ted?
- Yeah.

Well, just Ted.

But it's the way I say it, you know?

- He's an awful eejit, isn't he?
- Yeah!

Here, which one do you prefer -
Oasis or Blur?

- Blur.
- What?!

Oasis! I mean Oasis!

Father Damien, your tea is ready!

I'll be in in a minute!

(Snoring)

Great! Here we go.

(Man ) What the fup
are you doing here?

This is my fuppin' spot.
Get the fup off!

- Hit him, Frank.
- Could you not go over there?

No fuppin' way!

F-U-P O-F-F.

Fup off! We come here
every fuppin' Sunday.

- But this is Saturday.
- Hit him. I'll hit him for you.

She fuppin' would, and so would I,
you fuppin' backstard!

Why are you talking like that?

So fup off, you grasshole!

- But I don't see...
- Right! I'm callin' the fuppin' man!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

(Blows whistle furiously)

What's the problem?

Listen, this backstard priest
is in our spot!

- Look, we were just...
- Put the fork down.

- What? Oh, I wasn't...
- Put the fork down!

Put the fork DOWN!

Now put your hands very slowly
to your sides.

Slowly!

All right...

I'm going to put the megaphone
down now, all right?

Nice and easy.

Now...

I'm going to reach
inside my pocket, all right?

Nice and slow.

Everything's fine.

Cigarette?

No. To be honest,
I'm just going home.

Fup off, you pedrophile!

All right, come on. Come on.

Nothing to see here.
Back to the picnic.

(Blows whistle )

(Slams bottle down )

Ah, there you are. You wouldn't
believe the day I've had.

I met the rudest couple.

And that fella, Benson,
with his bloody whistle.

Somebody should take it off him.
Where did you go?

I was with Father Damo Lennon.

- He's over with Frosty.
- Who?

Eh, Father Frost.

Oh, yes. FATHER Frost. He said
they might come over for a holiday.

Father Damo's great.

Why are you walking like that?

- Like what, Ted?
- Like a crab.

Oh, right. Sorry, Ted.

- Dougal, what's that?
- What?

This? Oh, nothing.

- It's an earring.
- Oh, right. It is, all right.

You can't go round
wearing an earring.

All the young priests wear them.
Father Damo has one.

Oh, I see. Did Father Damo
give you the idea?

Yeah. He's great.

Next he'll be giving you
crack cocaine or something.

Crack cocaine. Ah, come on, Ted.

Well, you'll have to take it out.

You don't know what's going
on with the young people.

I was young once. The things
we got up to in the seminary!

Me and the lads, once we
mitched off to see a Dana concert.

Dana!

No one's listening to Dana any more.
You'd be mad to listen to her.

Yeah? Father Bigley listens to Dana
and he's not mad.

Why's he in that home, then?

He's in that home...
because of those fires.

That's nothing to do with Dana.
You'll have to take that earring out.

I should be allowed
to do what I want. I am nearly 26.

You still treat me like I was 24.

I'll start treating you
like a 26-year-old

when you start acting
like a 26-year-old.

Anyway, it's time for your bath.

A bath! OH, NO!

Hello, Father.

Hello, Father.

Ah, hello.

How are things?

Fine! Fine!

Good.

I'll see you later.

Go, go, go, go, go!

You bastard!

Slag!

- Hello, Mary.
- Hello, Father.

Oh.

- Hello, Father.
- Hello, John.

Mary was just washing my hair.
She has such lovely, soft hands.

I was just looking
for some firelighters.

I'll get them.
They're out the back.

I didn't know Sergeant Hodgins
had a helicopter.

Oh, yes. He had to get one in
because of this whistle thing.

- Oh. Whistle thing?
- Yeah. Look.

(Mary) Isn't it terrible, Father?

The whole island's talking about it.
Who would've thought law and order

- would break down on Craggy Island?
- (Mary) God help us all, Father!

Yes, but I mean,
if it's only a whistle...

I had to buy myself
a shotgun and everything.

I wouldn't hesitate
to use that, now.

If that man came in and tried to
steal any of the whistles in here...

I'd blow his feckin' head
off his shoulders!

(Laughs nervously)

Look. I have it cocked an' all
so I can get the jump on him.

Would it not be dangerous
to have it cocked like that?

Not at all, Father. So long
as you don't suddenly drop it.

(John laughs)

There. If they don't work, bring them
back and we'll give you a refund.

Ok, so. Thanks very much.

You feckin' eejit! Give me that!

Did you hear about the whistle
being stolen?

- Yes...
- I never thought I'd see the like.

What next? Somebody'll be murdered
and then where are we?

Drive-by shootings in the night.
It'll be like Boyz N the Hood.

Then they'll have whores
selling their wares on the street.

The pimps'll be using crack
to keep the whores under control.

(Gunshot)

I'm going to lock myself in the
basement until they catch that fella.

Goodbye.

Unbelievable! They really are making
too big a deal of this.

And look - a special pull-out
supplement on whistles!

I don't know...

Dougal, aren't you going
to introduce me to your friend?

This is Father Damo.

How're ya?

Hello, Father.
Playing the old computer game there?

(Phone )

Hello. Father Ted Crilly speaking.

Yes. Ah! Father Frost.
Yes, I'll tell him.

Father Damien, Father Frost says
you're to go home. Your tea is ready.

Tell him I'm not going.
I'm having dinner here.

Oh. Are you?

Hello, Father?
No, he's staying here for dinner.

Um, Father Damien, Father Frost said
you're to go home immediately.

Shite! Did you tell him
I'm having dinner here?

- Er...yes.
- Tell him to feck off, then.

He's happy enough here
for the moment, Father.

Right. Ok.

Father Frost says if you don't
go home, he'll come and get you.

I don't care what he does.
He's not the boss of me.

Right...

All right, all right! I'm going.

Tell him I'm going.
I'll see you, Dougal.

He's heading off now.
Yes, yes. Oh, right, yeah.

Dougal, mind this for me.

- Oh, right.
- I'll get them later.

- Frosty hates me smoking.
- Ok, Damo.

- You praying, yeah?
- Oh, no. They're, uh...Ted's.

- See ya, right?
- See ya.

(Ted) Dougal!

Oh, God! What does he want now?

Consonant, please, Carol.

Vowel.

Another consonant.

Vowel.

Consonant.

Richard, where are you going?

Dougal, I am not Richard Whiteley.

Go back to sleep. You're dreaming.

Consonant.

Put your clothes back on, Carol,
I can't concentrate.

- Tea, Father?
- God Almighty! Why are you up?

I always stay up in case
one of you needs a cup of tea.

How long have you been doing this?

- Oh, about three years now.
- But we never get up at night.

You're up now, aren't you?

Unless I'm hallucinating
from lack of sleep.

That's happened before, all right.

I'm just getting my jacket
to go for a little walk.

Right, so.

Dougal?

Oh, no!

Dougal... Is there anything
on your mind?

Let me rephrase that.

Is there anything
you want to tell me about?

Something bothering you?

Like what, Ted?

Have you done anything
you might be embarrassed about?

Have you done anything bad recently?
Anything wrong?

Wrong?

You remember right and wrong,
the difference between the two.

Page one of How To Be A Catholic.

Honestly, Dougal!
This is very basic stuff.

Give me an example
of something that's wrong.

Just give me a second, Ted.
I, er... I...

(Ted) Arson - there's one.

Murder...

Swearing.

Swearing, yeah.

- Anything else?
- Er...

Erm... Er...

Lying?

- Well done, Dougal! Yes!
- Thanks, Ted. I...

Dougal, are you all right?

I'm fine, Ted.
I just need to sit down.

Sorry about that.
Probably pushed you a bit hard.

No worries, Ted.

Dougal, something else
that's wrong is stealing.

What I'm trying to say is,
it's wrong to steal.

- Stealing is something you don't do.
- Except you.

Yes... What?

- You're allowed to steal.
- What're you talking about?

The money from that Lourdes thing.

Different thing altogether, Dougal.

That money was just resting
in my account before I moved it on.

- It was resting for a long time.
- Yes, but...

- A good, long rest.
- We're not talking about me!

We're talking about YOU. Is there
anything you want to tell me about?

This, for example?

Father, Sergeant Hodgins
and Mr Benson are here.

Dougal, you just go out
and get...the shears.

- Right you are.
- Sorry to disturb you.

I thought we might meet
and talk about this.

- You've heard about the whistle?
- Yes.

When I saw my whistle had been
stolen, I went into a state of shock

and lost the use of my legs.

Well, one of them, anyhow.
This one's fine but this one -

completely lost all feeling.

Look.

(Screams in agony)

- Yes.
- Sweet Jesus!

The shock also affected his memory.

It's actually THAT
leg that there's no feeling in.

Anyhow - come on, Father.
Did you hear anything?

- About what?
- About my whistle!

Did you hear anything
during confession?

No! Now, come on!
The confessional is sacrosanct.

I have had that whistle
for 40 years.

It saved my grandfather's life.

- Did it really?
- It did.

He was being executed by the British.

They had him up against a wall
and they shot him.

And the bullets hit the whistle
in his pocket and bounced off him.

God Almighty! So he survived?

No, no. They just reloaded,
shot him again.

Listen, Father, I don't want
to be saying anything, but, erm...

Jim saw someone.

- Yes?
- He didn't get a good look,

but he did notice something.

The collar. Jim said it was a priest
who stole the whistle.

Oh, right. That'd be Ted.

- What?!
- You were talking about stealing

and you showed me the whistle -
you put it in your top pocket.

(Ted) No, Dougal.

No, it is, Ted. Try your top pocket.
I bet you it's in there.

I'm sure it is. Give it a go.

Just a bit more to your right, there.

Yes, Dougal. Thank you.

Oh! Right! Yes.

Well, there's an obvious explanation.

- Is there, Father?
- Yes, of course there is.

What is it, Ted?

I have to leave the room
for a couple of minutes.

When I return,
I'll have a full explanation.

- It had better be a good one.
- It'll be perfectly satisfactory.

Excuse me for a couple of minutes.

So, I hear your baby-sitter
got pregnant.

Father, more visitors.

- Father Frost is here.
- Get off!

Right. I believe there's a Mr Benson
who's had a whistle stolen.

- That's me.
- I have the culprit here.

- What?
- Yeah, I stole it.

So what?
It's only a bleedin' whistle.

I saw this eejit
with a whistle on Tuesday.

Then I heard Mr Benson's
whistle had gone missing.

This eejit tried to put the blame
on Father McGuire.

- It was my fault for stealing it.
- But you didn't steal it, Father.

Oh, right.

He hid it in a packet
of cigarettes, apparently.

That must be how we got hold of it.

Father Damien gave me
the cigarettes to mind.

(All) Ah!

Right! I have a full explanation.

Father...

I was just about to tell everybody
why I stole the whistle.

No, Father...

I've been dying to get it
off my chest.

- Ted...
- 15 years ago, I met a young orphan.

Both his parents had been killed
in a bizarre accident...

That's it - a tree fell on them.

This young man had nothing
to his name except a dream.

- Ted...
- Shut up.

His dream was to own his own stable,
with prize-winning horses.

But he was afflicted by a disease
that affected his speech.

He could only communicate
by raising his eyebrows -

once for yes, twice for no.

"If only I had a whistle

"so I could train my horses to win
the Grand National," he thought.

That same boy wrote to me
five weeks ago...

Father Damien took the whistle.

Oh, great. That's that sorted out.
See you soon.

What's all this about the horses?

Nothing. I was just going mad.

I have to say one of those masses.

- When's tea ready?
- No tea for you.

Good. I don't want any stupid tea!

Don't put too much faith
in people who are "cool".

They're usually on the fast track
to a life of crime.

Father Lennon may have
had a trendy haircut

but he lacked that inner dignity
of priesthood.

- Drink!
- With you in a moment.

The Church has no place
for bad apples

like Father Damien
or the Bishop of Galway

or that friend of Father Bigley's
who was sending arms to Iraq.

The list goes on and on.

What's important
is that we're back to normal.

You're right there, Ted.

So, have you learned anything
from your experience?

No.