Father Ted (1995–1998): Season 2, Episode 10 - Flight into Terror - full transcript

Here we go, Dougal, 22, 23...
This is us.

We should've got a window seat.

No, Father, you sit over there.

I'd be too nervous
to sit by the window.

- Why is that?
- I've never liked flying.

If God wanted us to fly,
He'd put airports nearer the city.

Excuse me, Father,
you're sitting on my cardigan.

Could you... Could you not
breathe like that?

You're making a noise.

Now, really, Father,
this is a no-smoking flight.

- So, did you enjoy yourself?
- Oh, I did. kilnettle's great.



It must be the holiest shrine
in the worid.

Top ten, anyway.

Funny, Our Lady appearing
on a golf course like that.

- Where exactly did it happen?
- On the 13th hole.

She appeared to a fellow
on the green.

He was putting for a birdie
and the ball hit her foot.

God Almighty. Then what?

He just took a dropped ball
and put it down to experience.

Hello, Ted. On the old plane, I see.

I am, yes.

Same as yourself.

Who was that, Ted?

That's Father Joe Briefly,
a pal of mine from St Colum's.

We used to have
a nickname for him there...



Oh, yes, very funny.

We used to call him Himalaya Joe.

He had all this hair
growing between his toes.

Like the Abominable Snowman.
Very funny.

And did you have a nickname, Ted?

No, I didn't.

- You must have had one.
- No!

- Father Briefly!
- Dougal!

Father, do you remember
Ted's nickname at St Colum's?

Let's see, what's that it was?

Don't worry, Joe,
I'll tell him myself.

Shut up, Dougal.

It was...

Father Fluffybottom.

Some of the priests
caught a glance of my rear end

in the showers
after a game of football.

Well, I had all this downy fluff
growing around that whole area.

Oh, yes. Father Fluffybottom.
Hilarious stuff.

What did you do in the end?
Shave it off?

Shave it off? No, not at all.

Oh, right.

- Father Briefly!
- Dougal!

It was Father Fluffybottom!

Oh, yes, that's right.

Because he had this big load
of fluffy hair on his behind.

What did you do in the end, Ted?
Shave it off?

No, I didn't. You can't get
razors with handles long enough

to reach down...to your behind.

Remember what they called you?
Himalaya Joe.

Because of all the thick black
hair growing between your toes.

That was actually
a medical condition.

Heh heh.

'This is your pilot speaking.
Fasten your seat belts for take-off.'

Oh! What the...? Who did that?

Someone messing there.
What did you get, Dougal?

I got this at the gift shop
back at the airport.

But Dougal,
we have a tape dispenser.

- Why'd you buy that one?
- This is no ordinary one. Watch.

'You have used one
inch of sticky tape. God bless you.'

Dougal, that is absolutely brilliant.

Already I can think of
hundreds of uses for it.

- Get anything else?
- I did, yeah. Look.

- What's it do?
- Squeeze it, it's a joke telephone.

Dougal, this is a dog toy.

What? No, it's not.
It's a joke telephone.

Dougal, this is a toy for dogs.

This is something people
give their dogs on their birthday.

Seriously, Ted.
It's a joke telephone.

You tell someone it's a phone
and they'll try and make a call.

Dougal, who would think
this is a telephone?

Even a dog knows this isn't a phone.

Ted, we'll agree to differ,
all right?

We won't!
Because you're very, very wrong.

Look, did the picture not give
you a clue? Why is the dog so happy?

Somebody has given him a rubber
telephone that makes a noise!

No, no! He's laughing because

someone's trying to make a call
on the telephone.

Dogs don't have the same
sense of humour as us!

They're not as advanced.
Buy something sensible, like this.

Now...

Put a coin in that.

Wow.

God, Ted.

That is fantastic.
What is it, a sort of money box?

Yes. With something like this,

it would be so easy
to make it look cheap and tacky.

But just look at her there.
Pure class.

Now, come on, now. The joke's over.

- Here we go.
- Oh, God.

- What's up with you, Ted?
- It's just the tensi?n.

It'll be Ok in a minute.

Wouldn't it be terrible
to be killed in a plane crash?

- Yes.
- Or if you just fell out.

If the floor just disappeared
and you fell out.

You'd fall for ages and ages...

Feeling a bit better, Ted?

No, Dougal, not really, no.

Tell you what.
Maybe I'll give Larry Duff a call.

He developed a fear of flying
after all his crashes.

He went to a hypnotherapist.

Told me to give him a call
any time I was nervous.

Oh, for God's sake.

- What was that?
- Just a bit of turbulence.

God, I wish I wasn't so nervous.

Larry says you've more chance
of being trampled by donkeys

than of being killed
in a plane crash.

No, he's not picking up.

Ted!

Hello. Father Fay, hello.

Ah, yes, it's very good.

I am a very big fan of his,
all right.

Or should I say, "Awright?"

No, there's no mention of it so far.

God, Ted, he has me driven mad!

He asked me to take him up
to see the cockpit.

Cockpit? Ah, Ted,
can I have a look, too?

Well, Dougal, I'm not sure.

What is he up to now?

He's going mad with excitement,
I'd better go. Coming, Father?

Dougal. Don't touch anything.

We don't want an action replay
of the Sealink incident.

Fair enough, Ted.

- Hello!
- There you are, Father.

- You wanted the official tour.
- God, yes.

He's talked about nothing else!

Will you calm down,
you little monkey man?

Basically,
these are the main controls.

Over here we have
the gauges for the engines.

- Father. Father!
- What? I wasn't gonna press it.

Sorry, I was only asking
if you'd ever been in a cockpit.

No. But I was on the bridge
of a Sealink ferry once

and I was looking at the controls...

..and nothing happened at all.

Right. That's it!

Hey, come on, now. What's so funny?

Just come on, now. The joke's over.

- Who are you?
- What do you mean?

You blind? I'm the man
you've been pestering with paper.

- I have not.
- Why are you laughing?

What's the big laugh about?

I'm listening to comedy on these.
It's Mr Bean.

Oh, right.

And yes, I am blind,
as a matter of fact.

Is it since birth or is it
a more recent thing, you know?

Since birth.

Right, but I suppose your
other senses make up for it.

I hear that blind people's other
senses are more alert. So to speak.

I suppose you can smell things
from ten miles away

and hear things
before they happen.

- No.
- No sixth sense of any kind?

I suppose in your case
it'd be a fifth sense,

seeing as
you've only got the four.

Unless there's another one
missing I don't know about.

How's your sense of touch?

Could you go away now, please?

Yes, I'll do just that.

Will you not calm down?

Come on, now. We'll head back.
Say thank you to Mr Pilot.

- Ahhh!
- Oh, God.

He must've seen his reflection.
He's not supposed to.

He doesn't know he's a priest.

Stop it, Father. Settle down.

Get him off me! I can't see!

Father McGuire,
press the emergency button!

- What?
- The emergency button!

- What does it look like?
- It's "emergency" written on it!

Right!

I'll just go to the old toilet.

Is, erm... Is this the toilet?

First-class toilet, sir.
Do you have a first-class ticket?

No.

Then you have to go across the way.

- Ted?
- What?

- Can I have a quick word?
- Yes.

Yes, hold on. Right.

What's wrong, Dougal?

Well, slight problem, Ted.

What?

Well, apparently someone
pressed a button in the cockpit.

I think the person might have emptied
one of the fuel tanks.

There's not enough fuel
to make it to the airport.

Right. So that would mean what?
An emergency landing?

- Yeah, an emergency landing.
- Right.

But we don't actually
have enough fuel

to make it to a place
to make an emergency landing.

And there's only two parachutes.

No, wait a second.
Before you carry on,

what's this film called again?

No, no, no. It's not a film.

- It's not a film?
- No.

- So this is actually happening.
- Yes.

- This is happening now, to us.
- It is, yeah.

Dougal, here's a mad guess
just out of the blue,

but did you press the button?

Ah, now, Ted, come on!

- Did you, Dougal?
- I did, yeah.

- Hello, Ted. Heard the news?
- Yes, Noel.

- What'll we do?
- Did you press the emergency button?

- No.
- Shouldn't we?

Careful. There might be
a fine for improper use.

This is definitely an emergency.

Let's keep the other priests calm,

not a word about this
when we get back inside.

'Emergency!
Emergency! Emergency!'

Nothing happened. What does it do?

Never needed it before.
Father, who gets the parachutes?

God, that's a tough decisi?n.

You're right. Maybe we should
just not tell anybody.

Throw them off the plane,
pretend they never existed.

No, I don't think we should do that.
I have a better idea.

Right. This is my idea.
What we should do is this...

So, in no more than 200 words,
why you should get a parachute.

So we should just write about
how great we are?

Yes.

I got my housekeeper pregnant
and forced her leave the country,

should I mention that?

No, I wouldn't.

Are you taking marks off
for spelling mistakes?

Only if we end up
in a tie-break situation.

- Who'll own the copyright?
- What?

Say if I was to survive
and wanted to write my autobiography,

could I use extracts
or would you own the copyright?

As far as I know,
you own the copyright.

But the chances of us surviving
are very low.

Right.

Should we not just have
a bit of an old pray?

Maybe God will help us and...

Anyway...

Have you all got pens and paper
and everything?

Can I use my laptop computer?

I don't think you're allowed to.
They interfere with the radar.

Yes, but we're going to crash anyway.

Right, I see what you mean.
Yes, use it.

Go on, Dougal.

God, Ted, you're very calm
altogether. Have you gone mad?

No, it's just
I've always hated flying.

But now we're in
an emergency situation,

all my fear has transformed
itself into affirmative action.

- Do you know what I mean?
- I do.

- Do you?
- No.

All right, then. Pens down.

Father O'Shea, you didn't stop
writing. You're disqualified.

What? That's not fair,
I was only finishing.

Father Cave, do you want to go first?

I haven't written this down
because it comes from the heart.

Father Gallagher, I've known you
and been your friend for many years.

And now I think
it's important to say...

I love you. I love you more than
anybody I've ever loved.

I don't want the parachute.
Give it to him!

Right. Well done, Father Cave.

Father Fay?

That's very good.

Well, beat that. Joe.

Well, uh, I think I should get
the parachute because I'm great.

In fact, I think I should get both
of them in case one doesn't work.

Ooh, not a popular one, Joe.

Father Flynn, what did you write?

I haven't written anything

because I'm not very good
at that kind of thing.

But I did a drawing.

Right. Well, can we have a look?

- What do you think?
- Well, er...

It's me, in the nip. With a dog.

How does that help you
win a parachute?

What do you mean parachute? I wasn't
listening at the start there.

Why would I want a parachute?

The plane's in trouble.

There's a competition
to see who gets a parachute.

Oh.

Ok. Father Jack, you next.

Father Jack? Where's Father Jack?

The parachutes.
The parachutes have gone.

Ah, Ted, I just remembered
that we're all going to die.

Dougal, I just wanted to say...

I know sometimes
I'm a little short with you,

sometimes I'm not as patient
as I should be.

But you know, in the end...

we're the best of friends.

- What do you mean?
- Well...

I'm just trying to say...

I know sometimes I act like
you get on my nerves,

but secretly
I think it's quite funny.

What's funny?

You know, the way you mix things up

and sometimes you don't get
what's going on.

Who are you talking about again?

- You.
- What about me?

I'm just trying
to say, Dougal...

- I like you.
- Thanks very much.

- Who are you saying that to?
- You! I just said it!

Hey! We're on a plane!

Father, do you know what
a section tubing stabiliser dart is?

- No.
- A shell diversifier E-420?

- No.
- A jet-wrench 3-ply shortstick?

- No.
- Who am I?

- You're the pilot.
- Great.

I know what I did there.
I started too big.

Father, do you know what
a fuel reserve is?

I'd imagine it's a basic back-up
to the main fuel tanks.

That's exactly it.
Now, we have a fuel reserve,

but the line connecting it to the...

- the thing on the wing...
- Engine.

The engine, yes. That line is broken.

If we could somehow fix that line,
we might stand a chance.

Even sticky tape would do,
but there's none on the plane.

That's where you're wrong.

Dougal, give us the thing
you bought there.

All your problems are over.

I wouldn't make any calls,
it interferes with the radar.

Dougal! The sticky tape.

Brilliant.

Now all you have to do
is climb onto the wheels,

and attach the line.

- Then we're saved?
- Yes.

I just climb out of the plane and...
Hang on.

- I climb out of the plane?
- Yes.

I wouldn't trust anybody else.
You can keep a level head.

- Then I'll do it.
- But Ted!

Dougal, I love all this.

When everything's Ok I imagine
terrible things happening

and now that one has actually
happened, it's just a rush.

I feel fearless,
like Jeff Bridges in that movie.

- I haven't seen that one.
- Not many have, Dougal.

Anyway, let's go, Captain.

Father, I'm not a Captain.

And I don't climb under planes
to fix fuel lines.

I think from now on,
we're anything we want to be.

Can I still be a priest?

- You're a very brave man.
- I'm just doing a job.

Dougal, the sticky tape.

Well, I'd better get back
to the cockpit.

Good luck, Father Ted.

'You have used three inches
of sticky tape. God bless you.'

'You have used four inches
of sticky tape. God bless you.

'You have used 11 and two-eighths
inches of sticky tape.

'God bless you.'

Ah, shut up. Wait! Dougal...

I think I've...
Yes! I've sealed up the line!

- We're saved!
- Oh, great!

I've done it, Dougal!
We're going to live!

Everything's completely
back to normal.

It's just your completely average
common or garden aeroplane journey.

What am I doing
on the fecking wheel?!

Oh, right. Right.

Thanks very much.

Well, still no sign of Father Jack.

Oh, I hope he's all right.

And Father Crilly.
I hate seeing him like this.

Ah, he's beginning
to loosen his grip now.

Anyway, would you like a sandwich?

I cut them into the shape
of an aeroplane.

No thanks, Mrs Doyle.

Ted and me have had enough of
aeroplanes to do us a lifetime.

Haven't we, Ted?

Drink! Feck! Arse!

Drink! Feck! Arse!

Drink! Feck! Arse! Drink!

Ahh! Drink! Drink!

Arse!

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Feck! Arse!

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink!

'This is your pilot speaking.
The emergency is over.

'We will be landing in 20 minutes.'

Tip for download: Open Subtitles MKV Player