Father Ted (1995–1998): Season 1, Episode 4 - Competition Time - full transcript
Father Ted, Dougal and Jack enter a talent competition visited by a BBC presenter with an odd drinking problem.
(Helicopter)
(Crash)
- Ready when you are, Ted.
You'll like this. Ok. Here I come!
Who are you supposed to be, Ted?
What are you doing?
You two can't go as Elvis.
You... Wait a second.
You're Elvis as well.
Of course. I've got Elvis written
on my back. I don't believe this.
Bit of a coincidence.
Great minds think alike, I suppose.
I've been saying for two weeks
I was going as Elvis.
That's probably where I got the idea.
Great. The first All Priests Stars
in Their Eyes Lookalike Competition
I thought I had a chance in.
I even made space for the trophy
beside the one we got
- for the ludo championships.
- You might win.
If you're on before me,
I'll look an idiot.
Everyone'll think I copied you.
Well, to be fair, it is a bit weird
you happened to think of it as well.
Right. I'll just have to go
as Mother Teresa again.
Who are you supposed to be?
Elvis. I'm Elvis.
- I'm Elvis.
- I know you're Elvis, Father.
We're all Elvis. That's the problem.
- Tea, Fathers.
- Feck off!
There's nothing like a cup
of tea in the afternoon.
You look a bit different, Father.
Have you had a haircut or something?
No. I'm Elvis Presley.
Are you, Father? That's a turn-up
for the books anyway.
It's for the Lookalike Show.
Now I see. I must say
I'm looking forward to that.
- Is Father kiernan coming?
- He won't be, no.
He's a great laugh. I remember him
last year telling his stories.
He had me in stitches. It is true
what they say about chubby men.
They are jollier than the rest of us.
They've a way of looking at things.
He shot himself.
Did he? Yeah. That's terrible.
Still, I suppose that's
often the way with fat men.
They laugh to hide the tears.
But that's life.
Happy one minute, and the next you go
and shoot yourself and that's that.
Anyway, tea.
(Phone )
- Hello.
- Ted, how are you? Dick Byrne here.
Hello, Dick. How are things?
- Fine. All set for tomorrow?
- The competition?
- What have you planned?
- Ah. I shouldn't say.
- Mother Teresa.
- No.
I think you have a chance this year.
Oh, well. Do you really?
No!
Who was that, Dick?
Dougal, I'm asking again,
don't go as Elvis.
- What?
- I've been looking forward to this.
I know all the moves.
- Remember who's judging.
- Who?
- Henry Sellers.
- No. He's coming here. Wow!
I told you. Father Dunne
is bringing him over.
I've never met a celebrity.
- You met the Pope.
- Did I?
Don't you remember?
When we were in Rome.
That was the Pope? That fella
living in the art gallery?
The Vatican, Dougal.
I wouldn't say he's
a celebrity in the true sense.
The Pope is God's
representative on Earth.
You'd think he'd be taller.
What, like a giant?
Still, Henry Sellers coming here.
(Laughs hysterically)
- Henry Sellers coming here.
- Dougal! Calm down.
We've to concentrate
on the Elvis problem. Look.
We'll toss for it.
Whoever wins can go as Elvis.
Ok. All right.
Right, heads or tails?
Heads. No, tails.
Heads. Tails. Heads.
Dougal you have to give me
a choice between the two.
Sorry about that.
I got a bit excited.
Here we go again. Heads or tails?
- Heads.
- Are you sure?
Absolutely pos... Tails!
Heads. Tails. Heads!
- Dougal. Calm down.
- Heads. Tails. Heads.
Dougal, are you all right?
I'm fine. I'm just not
the best at making decisions.
- Look...
- Or am I?
Tell you what we'll do.
You toss the coin, I'll take heads.
Heads it is. Go ahead, toss it there.
Forget it. Forget it!
Yes!
Ted, Henry's on.
Ted.
'Back to you, Monica
for a five-point question.
'The capital of England -
is it New York,
'London...
'or Munich?'
'I'll give you a clue.
You live there.'
(Bell)
'Jane, do you know?'
'I leaned on the button by mistake.'
He's great, isn't he, Ted?
Henry. And he'll be here any second.
Are you excited, Ted?
Henry Sellers. Look at him there,
asking the questions.
'..stitch in time saves how many?'
(Bell)
'Oh, sorry.'
'London.'
Any idea why he left the BBC, Ted?
Ah, look, Ted.
Why don't you be Elvis?
Since you thought of it first,
I suppose it's only fair.
I'll go as Mother Teresa.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dougal.
I'm being very selfish.
I'm sorry, you go as Elvis.
No, it's not fair on you.
You had your heart set on it.
- Seriously, you go as Elvis.
- Really? Great! Thanks.
Unless you'd prefer to go
as Mother Teresa.
Ah, no. Anyway, there's only one
Mother Teresa, and that's you, Ted.
Thanks. At least I'll have the honour
of taking care of Mr Sellers.
It's important that we be nice
to him. That'll improve our chances.
We'll fill him with food
till it's coming out his ears.
You'll be nice to him,
won't you, Father?
(Groans )
Father, are you all right?
Oh, no.
Not Toilet Duck again.
You know what that does to you.
You'll be seeing
the pink elephants again.
How many fingers am I holding up?
Three.
Hmm. Not too bad. Probably getting
immune to it by now.
- (Doorbell)
- That'll be Henry. God.
He's here.
Hello, there. Henry Sellers.
Father Ted Crilly.
It's an honour, Mr...
And it's lovely to be here, too.
Hello. Father...
Sorry, this is Father Dougal McGuire.
Dougal, say something to Mr Sellers.
How old are you?
Dougal! Don't ask
Mr Sellers how old he is.
That's quite all right.
I'm 37, Father.
This is Father Jack Hackett.
Hello, Father.
Hello, Father.
(Screams )
Bye, Father.
- He's just gone for his walk.
- Oh.
Is there anything we can get you?
- Call me Henry.
- (Jack screaming)
If you had something to eat,
maybe a sandwich.
Mrs Doyle, some sandwiches.
Right, Father.
Ahem.
(Laughs )
- Is something wrong with your head?
- Dougal!
What? It's just
his hair looks a bit...
- Dougal.
- I didn't say anything.
It's just Henry's hair
looks a bit mad.
Is... Is Father Dunne with you?
Yes. He's just bringing in...
There he is.
Ha, ha, ha! Ted!
Barty. Good to see you.
Sit down there.
(Laughing)
It's good to be
on Craggy Island again.
God, I haven't seen you in ages.
I remember the last time I was here.
We had that funny incident. Remember?
I suppose... I suppose you've
forgotten all about it.
It was the type of thing, you know...
What is this?
The last time Father Dunne was here
Father Jack lost his slippers.
It was a bit like...
He had us looking
everywhere for them.
It was a bit like
the type of thing, you know...
- We found them after a while.
- It was a bit like...
Oh, Lord.
- How long was the car journey?
- Four hours.
With the thing there...
I suppose it must be!
What's it like being a TV star?
- Well...
- It must be...
It must be... It must be...
We are delighted to have you.
Is there anything we can get you?
No, no. I'm fine.
Some more sandwiches?
No, I... Ooh!
You've brought more in.
No, no. I'm fine.
Absolutely fine. Thank you.
Everything Ok with your hair?
Dougal! Stop talking about
Henry's hair.
I'm sorry, Henry.
Your hair is so natural looking,
Dougal can't stop talking about it.
It really is
a beautiful head of hair.
Anyway, what I was saying was,
anything you want, just ask us.
We can get it for you.
There's no problem there.
Anything you want that would be
at all possible for us to get you,
just ask for it.
And I mean anything.
There's no problem there.
Anything.
I have had trouble
getting the English papers.
- Would it be possible...
- Except the English papers.
Anything else, just ask.
Except the English papers.
You wouldn't have the number
of a Father Dick Byrne?
It would be a mistake to visit them.
Why is that, Father?
They're lepers.
What?
The three of them are lepers.
Rugged Island is a leper colony.
Leper colony? You're not serious?
No, not leprosy.
But there's something wrong.
Did you never think
how strange it was,
three priests living alone
on an island?
I suppose...
Something's not right there.
You're better off with us.
Ted, could you tell me
where the old...
You know, the old...
The old...is up the stairs
and first on the left.
Thank you.
It's a wig.
(Bell)
Time for a little nightcap.
You're running out of sandwiches.
I'll bring you in some more.
I won't have a sherry, thank you.
Don't be silly. Of course you will.
- No. I shouldn't.
- Go on, it'll help you sleep.
No. You go ahead.
Just a little drop.
Just a teeny tiny bit.
The day a little sherry hurts anyone
is the day Ireland doesn't win
the Eurovision Song Contest.
- Go on.
- No, I shouldn't.
Go on. Go on, go on.
Go on. Go on.
Go on, go on, go on, go on,
go on, go on, go on.
No. Seriously, I...
Go on, go on, go on, go on,
go on, go on, go on,
go on, go on, go on, go on, go on,
GO ON!
Oh, what a shower of bastards!
Lord, Ted, why did you
give him a drink?
I didn't know this would happen.
That's why they sacked him
from that programme.
He's a terrible alcoholic.
He's been on the wagon for a year.
- Oh, God, Ted.
- How was I supposed to know?
Sack me? Sack me!
I made the BBC!
(Sobs )
I made it.
Maybe if you have a rest
you'll feel better.
Get away from me! Priest!
I think it's time we got to bed.
Good man. There's never anything on.
- I'll give it a kick myself.
- You want a fight?
I'd love a bit of a scrap but...
- Bloody priests!
- (Laughs )
Bloody sanctimonious scumbags!
- Absolutely.
- Made my life a bloody misery.
Sorry about that. Are you sure
you wouldn't like to go to bed?
Maybe we could stay up a bit longer.
I'm fed up with you bastards!
I'm getting out of here.
Don't you try and stop me.
Aaaaaaah!
It's true what they say though,
you should never meet your heroes,
you'll only be disappointed.
Imagine we couldn't get him back.
He'd be like Big Foot,
except he'd be
a BBC television presenter.
Do you see him?
There, by the trees.
Got him.
There he is.
- Terribly sorry about this.
- No problem.
I've been through it before.
Actors, television personalities -
they go off drink and drugs
and come over to places like this.
The solitude can get to them.
What happened to this fella?
He was fine one minute,
then he took a sip of sherry.
Relapse, that's when
they're most dangerous. Ready?
I want you to bang
these together and shout.
That'll scare him out of the woods
so I can get a clear shot.
- You're shooting him?
- Tranquilliser dart.
- It'll put him to sleep.
- It seems a bit extreme.
It's the best way, Father.
Believe me.
You know best.
God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
- Were you in Vietnam?
- No, no. You know, the films.
All right. Let's go.
Come on Henry.
Out you come. There.
Got him.
(Gunshot)
It's Jack.
I've got a clear shot of him, Father.
Do you want me to get him?
No. Let him go.
- He'll make his own way back.
- Look at him go.
Beautiful.
Oh, my God. My head.
There you are, Henry,
a nice cup of tea.
What? Oh, my God.
Where am I? What happened last night?
I remember having a sip
of sherry, but...
Nothing to worry about.
I hope I didn't do anything
to embarrass you.
(Giggles )
Dougal! No, you were fine, Henry.
(Phone )
That'll be Father Byrne.
I feel sorry for him,
marooned with those idiots,
and they've nothing in common.
..nothing in common. Hello.
- Hello, Dick.
- Ted, we were talking about you.
- Really?
- Saying you great you were.
- Really?
- No!
Hilarious, Dick.
- Are you going to turn up tonight?
- Why wouldn't I?
Well, it might be a little
embarrassing to come last again.
We won't come last,
it's you who'll be coming last.
In fact, I thought we might have
a little bet on tonight.
Put your money
where your mouth is.
What are we talking?
A pound? Two?
Five pounds.
Five pounds?
What's the matter, Dick? You scared?
Of course not. Five pounds it is.
See you tonight.
Well, I'd better go and get meself
cleaned up for tonight.
Brush me teeth... I've a very strange
taste of raw meat in my mouth.
- I don't know why.
- Right you are, Henry.
Five pounds, I must be insane.
We haven't a hope in hell.
Why can't we all go as Elvis?
Because we all look the same.
Anyway, Jack'll be in any moment
for his drink.
(Glass smashes )
(Jack) Drink!
There he goes, bang on time.
God, Ted. He looks very rough.
We'll have to get him sober
before the contest.
No, Dougal. Wait. Leave him.
I have an idea.
(Discordant guitar)
# Ziggy played
# Guitar #
(Scraping)
(Cheering)
(Whistling)
Fantastic, Father Harry Coyle there.
You know, he looks a bit like...
He won't mind me telling you
this now...
Ah, no. Anyway, Henry,
marks for Father Coyle.
Very good. I'll give him
seven out of ten.
Bastard.
Not bad at all!
Ziggy played guitar.
That means the lads from
Rugged Island are still in the lead
with nine out of ten.
So a big hand for Diana Ross
and two of the Supremes.
(Applause )
Don't start celebrating yet.
Remember we've got
one more act to go.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome...
(Laughing) on to the stage...
the lads...
(Laughing)
Father Ted Crilly with Father McGuire
and Father Hackett!
(Cheering)
(Ted) 'Elvis Presley was a simple
truck-driver from America.
'But one day in the 1950s,
he invented rock and roll!'
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Oooooh
# Oh oooooh
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee doo
# Do bee doo doo #
Thank you very much.
(Laughter)
(Ted) 'Elvis became famous,
then they forced him into the army.
'Then he came out and ten years later
came back with the comeback special.'
( # Rock and roll)
(Ted) 'Elvis was back.
'From then until his death
he played in Las Vegas
'and became once again
the king of rock and roll.'
(Choral music)
(Ted) 'Ladies and gentlemen,
that was the three ages of Elvis.
'Thank you.'
(Cheering)
Fantastic! Lord God Almighty!
Three Elvises!
(Laughs ) Well, Henry, over to you
for the final marks.
(Drum roll)
(Cheering)
Brilliant, Ted. It was fantastic.
(Laughs )
Thanks very much, Barty.
- Five pounds, Ted.
- Hard luck, Dick.
- Did we not win?
- No, you didn't win, Cyril.
This year the trophy
goes to Craggy Island.
You've every chance
of winning next year.
- Really?
- No!
Come on, Cyril. Let's go home.
I'm out of fecking whiskey!
There's plenty of whiskey
at home, Father.
That Cyril MacDuff's
an awful idiot.
Here we are now.
Since I didn't make a fool
of meself last time,
I might as well have
a glass of Champagne, cheers.
Henry, no!
Don't worry, Father. If I can't
celebrate tonight, sure when can I?
The bastards! What the hell is going
on? How dare they do this to me?
How dare they sack me?
I'm Henry Sellers!
I'm Henry Selleeeeeers!
- Well, there he goes again.
- You're right there.
Never mind. We'll look for him
in the morning. Anyway, well done.
- What do you think of the trophy?
- It's great. All because of you.
Put it there, Dougal.
(Crash)
- Ready when you are, Ted.
You'll like this. Ok. Here I come!
Who are you supposed to be, Ted?
What are you doing?
You two can't go as Elvis.
You... Wait a second.
You're Elvis as well.
Of course. I've got Elvis written
on my back. I don't believe this.
Bit of a coincidence.
Great minds think alike, I suppose.
I've been saying for two weeks
I was going as Elvis.
That's probably where I got the idea.
Great. The first All Priests Stars
in Their Eyes Lookalike Competition
I thought I had a chance in.
I even made space for the trophy
beside the one we got
- for the ludo championships.
- You might win.
If you're on before me,
I'll look an idiot.
Everyone'll think I copied you.
Well, to be fair, it is a bit weird
you happened to think of it as well.
Right. I'll just have to go
as Mother Teresa again.
Who are you supposed to be?
Elvis. I'm Elvis.
- I'm Elvis.
- I know you're Elvis, Father.
We're all Elvis. That's the problem.
- Tea, Fathers.
- Feck off!
There's nothing like a cup
of tea in the afternoon.
You look a bit different, Father.
Have you had a haircut or something?
No. I'm Elvis Presley.
Are you, Father? That's a turn-up
for the books anyway.
It's for the Lookalike Show.
Now I see. I must say
I'm looking forward to that.
- Is Father kiernan coming?
- He won't be, no.
He's a great laugh. I remember him
last year telling his stories.
He had me in stitches. It is true
what they say about chubby men.
They are jollier than the rest of us.
They've a way of looking at things.
He shot himself.
Did he? Yeah. That's terrible.
Still, I suppose that's
often the way with fat men.
They laugh to hide the tears.
But that's life.
Happy one minute, and the next you go
and shoot yourself and that's that.
Anyway, tea.
(Phone )
- Hello.
- Ted, how are you? Dick Byrne here.
Hello, Dick. How are things?
- Fine. All set for tomorrow?
- The competition?
- What have you planned?
- Ah. I shouldn't say.
- Mother Teresa.
- No.
I think you have a chance this year.
Oh, well. Do you really?
No!
Who was that, Dick?
Dougal, I'm asking again,
don't go as Elvis.
- What?
- I've been looking forward to this.
I know all the moves.
- Remember who's judging.
- Who?
- Henry Sellers.
- No. He's coming here. Wow!
I told you. Father Dunne
is bringing him over.
I've never met a celebrity.
- You met the Pope.
- Did I?
Don't you remember?
When we were in Rome.
That was the Pope? That fella
living in the art gallery?
The Vatican, Dougal.
I wouldn't say he's
a celebrity in the true sense.
The Pope is God's
representative on Earth.
You'd think he'd be taller.
What, like a giant?
Still, Henry Sellers coming here.
(Laughs hysterically)
- Henry Sellers coming here.
- Dougal! Calm down.
We've to concentrate
on the Elvis problem. Look.
We'll toss for it.
Whoever wins can go as Elvis.
Ok. All right.
Right, heads or tails?
Heads. No, tails.
Heads. Tails. Heads.
Dougal you have to give me
a choice between the two.
Sorry about that.
I got a bit excited.
Here we go again. Heads or tails?
- Heads.
- Are you sure?
Absolutely pos... Tails!
Heads. Tails. Heads!
- Dougal. Calm down.
- Heads. Tails. Heads.
Dougal, are you all right?
I'm fine. I'm just not
the best at making decisions.
- Look...
- Or am I?
Tell you what we'll do.
You toss the coin, I'll take heads.
Heads it is. Go ahead, toss it there.
Forget it. Forget it!
Yes!
Ted, Henry's on.
Ted.
'Back to you, Monica
for a five-point question.
'The capital of England -
is it New York,
'London...
'or Munich?'
'I'll give you a clue.
You live there.'
(Bell)
'Jane, do you know?'
'I leaned on the button by mistake.'
He's great, isn't he, Ted?
Henry. And he'll be here any second.
Are you excited, Ted?
Henry Sellers. Look at him there,
asking the questions.
'..stitch in time saves how many?'
(Bell)
'Oh, sorry.'
'London.'
Any idea why he left the BBC, Ted?
Ah, look, Ted.
Why don't you be Elvis?
Since you thought of it first,
I suppose it's only fair.
I'll go as Mother Teresa.
Oh, I'm sorry, Dougal.
I'm being very selfish.
I'm sorry, you go as Elvis.
No, it's not fair on you.
You had your heart set on it.
- Seriously, you go as Elvis.
- Really? Great! Thanks.
Unless you'd prefer to go
as Mother Teresa.
Ah, no. Anyway, there's only one
Mother Teresa, and that's you, Ted.
Thanks. At least I'll have the honour
of taking care of Mr Sellers.
It's important that we be nice
to him. That'll improve our chances.
We'll fill him with food
till it's coming out his ears.
You'll be nice to him,
won't you, Father?
(Groans )
Father, are you all right?
Oh, no.
Not Toilet Duck again.
You know what that does to you.
You'll be seeing
the pink elephants again.
How many fingers am I holding up?
Three.
Hmm. Not too bad. Probably getting
immune to it by now.
- (Doorbell)
- That'll be Henry. God.
He's here.
Hello, there. Henry Sellers.
Father Ted Crilly.
It's an honour, Mr...
And it's lovely to be here, too.
Hello. Father...
Sorry, this is Father Dougal McGuire.
Dougal, say something to Mr Sellers.
How old are you?
Dougal! Don't ask
Mr Sellers how old he is.
That's quite all right.
I'm 37, Father.
This is Father Jack Hackett.
Hello, Father.
Hello, Father.
(Screams )
Bye, Father.
- He's just gone for his walk.
- Oh.
Is there anything we can get you?
- Call me Henry.
- (Jack screaming)
If you had something to eat,
maybe a sandwich.
Mrs Doyle, some sandwiches.
Right, Father.
Ahem.
(Laughs )
- Is something wrong with your head?
- Dougal!
What? It's just
his hair looks a bit...
- Dougal.
- I didn't say anything.
It's just Henry's hair
looks a bit mad.
Is... Is Father Dunne with you?
Yes. He's just bringing in...
There he is.
Ha, ha, ha! Ted!
Barty. Good to see you.
Sit down there.
(Laughing)
It's good to be
on Craggy Island again.
God, I haven't seen you in ages.
I remember the last time I was here.
We had that funny incident. Remember?
I suppose... I suppose you've
forgotten all about it.
It was the type of thing, you know...
What is this?
The last time Father Dunne was here
Father Jack lost his slippers.
It was a bit like...
He had us looking
everywhere for them.
It was a bit like
the type of thing, you know...
- We found them after a while.
- It was a bit like...
Oh, Lord.
- How long was the car journey?
- Four hours.
With the thing there...
I suppose it must be!
What's it like being a TV star?
- Well...
- It must be...
It must be... It must be...
We are delighted to have you.
Is there anything we can get you?
No, no. I'm fine.
Some more sandwiches?
No, I... Ooh!
You've brought more in.
No, no. I'm fine.
Absolutely fine. Thank you.
Everything Ok with your hair?
Dougal! Stop talking about
Henry's hair.
I'm sorry, Henry.
Your hair is so natural looking,
Dougal can't stop talking about it.
It really is
a beautiful head of hair.
Anyway, what I was saying was,
anything you want, just ask us.
We can get it for you.
There's no problem there.
Anything you want that would be
at all possible for us to get you,
just ask for it.
And I mean anything.
There's no problem there.
Anything.
I have had trouble
getting the English papers.
- Would it be possible...
- Except the English papers.
Anything else, just ask.
Except the English papers.
You wouldn't have the number
of a Father Dick Byrne?
It would be a mistake to visit them.
Why is that, Father?
They're lepers.
What?
The three of them are lepers.
Rugged Island is a leper colony.
Leper colony? You're not serious?
No, not leprosy.
But there's something wrong.
Did you never think
how strange it was,
three priests living alone
on an island?
I suppose...
Something's not right there.
You're better off with us.
Ted, could you tell me
where the old...
You know, the old...
The old...is up the stairs
and first on the left.
Thank you.
It's a wig.
(Bell)
Time for a little nightcap.
You're running out of sandwiches.
I'll bring you in some more.
I won't have a sherry, thank you.
Don't be silly. Of course you will.
- No. I shouldn't.
- Go on, it'll help you sleep.
No. You go ahead.
Just a little drop.
Just a teeny tiny bit.
The day a little sherry hurts anyone
is the day Ireland doesn't win
the Eurovision Song Contest.
- Go on.
- No, I shouldn't.
Go on. Go on, go on.
Go on. Go on.
Go on, go on, go on, go on,
go on, go on, go on.
No. Seriously, I...
Go on, go on, go on, go on,
go on, go on, go on,
go on, go on, go on, go on, go on,
GO ON!
Oh, what a shower of bastards!
Lord, Ted, why did you
give him a drink?
I didn't know this would happen.
That's why they sacked him
from that programme.
He's a terrible alcoholic.
He's been on the wagon for a year.
- Oh, God, Ted.
- How was I supposed to know?
Sack me? Sack me!
I made the BBC!
(Sobs )
I made it.
Maybe if you have a rest
you'll feel better.
Get away from me! Priest!
I think it's time we got to bed.
Good man. There's never anything on.
- I'll give it a kick myself.
- You want a fight?
I'd love a bit of a scrap but...
- Bloody priests!
- (Laughs )
Bloody sanctimonious scumbags!
- Absolutely.
- Made my life a bloody misery.
Sorry about that. Are you sure
you wouldn't like to go to bed?
Maybe we could stay up a bit longer.
I'm fed up with you bastards!
I'm getting out of here.
Don't you try and stop me.
Aaaaaaah!
It's true what they say though,
you should never meet your heroes,
you'll only be disappointed.
Imagine we couldn't get him back.
He'd be like Big Foot,
except he'd be
a BBC television presenter.
Do you see him?
There, by the trees.
Got him.
There he is.
- Terribly sorry about this.
- No problem.
I've been through it before.
Actors, television personalities -
they go off drink and drugs
and come over to places like this.
The solitude can get to them.
What happened to this fella?
He was fine one minute,
then he took a sip of sherry.
Relapse, that's when
they're most dangerous. Ready?
I want you to bang
these together and shout.
That'll scare him out of the woods
so I can get a clear shot.
- You're shooting him?
- Tranquilliser dart.
- It'll put him to sleep.
- It seems a bit extreme.
It's the best way, Father.
Believe me.
You know best.
God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
- Were you in Vietnam?
- No, no. You know, the films.
All right. Let's go.
Come on Henry.
Out you come. There.
Got him.
(Gunshot)
It's Jack.
I've got a clear shot of him, Father.
Do you want me to get him?
No. Let him go.
- He'll make his own way back.
- Look at him go.
Beautiful.
Oh, my God. My head.
There you are, Henry,
a nice cup of tea.
What? Oh, my God.
Where am I? What happened last night?
I remember having a sip
of sherry, but...
Nothing to worry about.
I hope I didn't do anything
to embarrass you.
(Giggles )
Dougal! No, you were fine, Henry.
(Phone )
That'll be Father Byrne.
I feel sorry for him,
marooned with those idiots,
and they've nothing in common.
..nothing in common. Hello.
- Hello, Dick.
- Ted, we were talking about you.
- Really?
- Saying you great you were.
- Really?
- No!
Hilarious, Dick.
- Are you going to turn up tonight?
- Why wouldn't I?
Well, it might be a little
embarrassing to come last again.
We won't come last,
it's you who'll be coming last.
In fact, I thought we might have
a little bet on tonight.
Put your money
where your mouth is.
What are we talking?
A pound? Two?
Five pounds.
Five pounds?
What's the matter, Dick? You scared?
Of course not. Five pounds it is.
See you tonight.
Well, I'd better go and get meself
cleaned up for tonight.
Brush me teeth... I've a very strange
taste of raw meat in my mouth.
- I don't know why.
- Right you are, Henry.
Five pounds, I must be insane.
We haven't a hope in hell.
Why can't we all go as Elvis?
Because we all look the same.
Anyway, Jack'll be in any moment
for his drink.
(Glass smashes )
(Jack) Drink!
There he goes, bang on time.
God, Ted. He looks very rough.
We'll have to get him sober
before the contest.
No, Dougal. Wait. Leave him.
I have an idea.
(Discordant guitar)
# Ziggy played
# Guitar #
(Scraping)
(Cheering)
(Whistling)
Fantastic, Father Harry Coyle there.
You know, he looks a bit like...
He won't mind me telling you
this now...
Ah, no. Anyway, Henry,
marks for Father Coyle.
Very good. I'll give him
seven out of ten.
Bastard.
Not bad at all!
Ziggy played guitar.
That means the lads from
Rugged Island are still in the lead
with nine out of ten.
So a big hand for Diana Ross
and two of the Supremes.
(Applause )
Don't start celebrating yet.
Remember we've got
one more act to go.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome...
(Laughing) on to the stage...
the lads...
(Laughing)
Father Ted Crilly with Father McGuire
and Father Hackett!
(Cheering)
(Ted) 'Elvis Presley was a simple
truck-driver from America.
'But one day in the 1950s,
he invented rock and roll!'
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee dum
# Oooooh
# Oh oooooh
# Dum do bee dum
# Dum do bee doo
# Do bee doo doo #
Thank you very much.
(Laughter)
(Ted) 'Elvis became famous,
then they forced him into the army.
'Then he came out and ten years later
came back with the comeback special.'
( # Rock and roll)
(Ted) 'Elvis was back.
'From then until his death
he played in Las Vegas
'and became once again
the king of rock and roll.'
(Choral music)
(Ted) 'Ladies and gentlemen,
that was the three ages of Elvis.
'Thank you.'
(Cheering)
Fantastic! Lord God Almighty!
Three Elvises!
(Laughs ) Well, Henry, over to you
for the final marks.
(Drum roll)
(Cheering)
Brilliant, Ted. It was fantastic.
(Laughs )
Thanks very much, Barty.
- Five pounds, Ted.
- Hard luck, Dick.
- Did we not win?
- No, you didn't win, Cyril.
This year the trophy
goes to Craggy Island.
You've every chance
of winning next year.
- Really?
- No!
Come on, Cyril. Let's go home.
I'm out of fecking whiskey!
There's plenty of whiskey
at home, Father.
That Cyril MacDuff's
an awful idiot.
Here we are now.
Since I didn't make a fool
of meself last time,
I might as well have
a glass of Champagne, cheers.
Henry, no!
Don't worry, Father. If I can't
celebrate tonight, sure when can I?
The bastards! What the hell is going
on? How dare they do this to me?
How dare they sack me?
I'm Henry Sellers!
I'm Henry Selleeeeeers!
- Well, there he goes again.
- You're right there.
Never mind. We'll look for him
in the morning. Anyway, well done.
- What do you think of the trophy?
- It's great. All because of you.
Put it there, Dougal.