Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 4, Episode 9 - Margaret Learns to Drive - full transcript

[Announcer] Here are...

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray,

and Lauren Chapin in...

Good morning, friends,
Romans, and countrymen.

Man, am I hungry.

My old Texas
grandfather used to say,

"I could eat a horse
and chase the rider."

Or as he also used to
say, "I'm so hungry..."

Shall we tell him?

Tell me what?

Is my head on backwards,
Are my ears upside-down?



We have no eggs for breakfast.

No eggs.

Is that what all the
breath holding is about?

So we have no eggs. We'll
eat an extra piece of toast.

We don't have any toast, either.

No toast?

I didn't realize till I got
down to get breakfast

that we had no bread or eggs.

I'm sorry.

We have lots of
other stuff, though.

We've got prunes and
mush and similar goodies.

I imagine we'll manage
with what we have.

Hand me the front part of
that paper, will you, Bud?

Aren't you sore?



Sore about what?

Well, no eggs or
toast for breakfast.

What do you want me to
do, throw myself on the floor,

kick my heels, and scream?

The average man would
at least grumble a little.

Okay. Grumble, grumble,
grumble. Are you happy?

Father, stop.

What are you trying to make
your father do to me, strike me?

You ought to hear
Mr. Davis holler

just when his coffee is cold.

Why does everyone suddenly
want me to grumble and holler?

I'm not angry at anyone.

It's a beautiful
morning, I love all of you,

and I refuse to let the absence
of an egg or a slice of bread

shatter my life.

Thank you, dear.

I just wonder if it's normal.

If what is normal?

You and Mom never get sore
at each other, almost never.

Other kids' folks
have big battles,

like Earl's folks.

If Earl's dad came
down to breakfast

and there weren't any eggs,
boom, he'd go right through the roof.

Maybe Earl lives in
a one-story house,

in which going through the
roof would be relatively simple.

In a two-story house like this,

I'd have to go
through this ceiling

and then Betty's
room, and then...

Father, stop.

Sorry, Bud, proceed.

What do Earl's folks
do that we don't do?

They fight.

You don't even raise
your voices to each other.

There's no need to.
We both hear pretty well.

You see? There you go.
Always peace and quiet.

Last week Earl's father
called his mother an old snake,

and she hit him
with a record player.

Your mother and I have our
differences once in a while,

but we don't settle them by
throwing furniture at each other.

This morning, for example,

we have no bread and eggs

because I didn't get to the
market yesterday afternoon,

and your father understands.

You seem to have
an understanding

about everything.

Well, that's right. We do.

Earl asked his mother why
she and his father had fights,

and she said because
they love each other.

Oh, that's nonsense.

You know what Shakespeare said.

The course of true
love never runs smooth.

Because your father
and I don't fight,

I suppose that means
we're not in love.

I didn't say that.

When I find a record player

light enough for
your mother to throw,

we'll schedule
some regular fights.

You're kidding,
aren't you, Daddy?

Of course I'm kidding,
honey. Don't worry.

Now, getting back to
the eggs and the bread,

the reason I didn't get to
the store yesterday afternoon

was because I had
no one to take me.

Remember, you were
late coming home,

and so was Bud.

The car was in the garage.
Betty could've taken you.

I was over at Mildred's
yesterday afternoon.

Okay, here's another
question I'd like to ask.

We haven't completely recovered

from the last
question you asked.

How come you've
never learned to drive?

Lots of times Dad drives
downtown with Ed Davis,

and the car's just sitting
out there in the garage,

just sitting there.

You could be
driving all over town.

Why don't you learn?

Never had any reason

with two gallant
men in the family.

All the other kids'
mothers drive around.

Yeah, everybody
drives but you, Mom.

All right, I'll drive.

Where do I get the
ten easy lessons?

Honey, I've told you
any number of times.

Whenever you want to
learn, I'll be glad to teach you.

- Okay, she's ready.
- I'm ready.

All right, that's a promise,

and we'll strike
when the iron is hot.

I'll come home
early this afternoon

and give you your first lesson.

- Oh, boy...
- Mom, you're going to drive.

Margaret Anderson,
girl motorist.

If I had known how much trouble

those darn bread and
eggs were going to cost,

I'd have crawled to the
market on my hands and knees.

- Bye.
- See you after school,
Mother.

- I'll hurry right home.
- Come on, dear.

Don't forget. I'll be
home about 3:00.

[Bud] Hey, Mom.

I'm up in the bedroom, Bud.

If you want to talk
to me, come up here.

Dad's home.

Dad's home. He just
came in the front door.

- [Jim] Margaret, I'm home.
- Father's home.

So I hear. I'm upstairs, Jim.

Why all this fuss about
your father coming home?

After all, he comes
home every day.

Yeah, but you're going to drive.

That's why he came home early,

so he can give you
your first driving lesson.

That's right.

What are you waiting for?

If you're going to drive, you
ought to be getting ready.

I'm ready.

What are you looking
so glum about?

She's going to have her
first driving lesson today,

and she's just sitting
there like it was nothing.

What do you expect me to do?

Let's go.

First I have something
more important to do.

- What?
- Kiss your father.

Excuse me, Bud.

How can you two
be so lovey-dovey

after you've been
married so long?

With a woman like
your mother, it's easy.

Now, the open road
calls. Shall we go, student?

Come on, come on.

Now, be careful, and
don't get in any accidents.

I'll do my best.

If you could get dinner started
while I'm gone, I'd adore you both.

We will. We just want
to see you start off.

All right, student, let's go.

Uh, okay.

Now, if you're too far back,

there's an adjustment
right down there by the seat.

No, this seems fine.

Gee, you look
great in there, Mom.

It's funny to see you
sitting on this side

and Daddy over there.

[Betty] Can you
reach the pedals?

Yes, I can reach them all right.

The question is, what
do I do with them?

You won't have
any trouble. It's easy.

Can I go with you?

No, you stay here and
help Betty with the dinner.

Oh, now, you start it with
the key. Just turn the key.

[Bud] Yeah, but have
you got it in neutral?

- You've got
to have it in neutral.
- Wait a minute. Slow down.

I have to find things here.

I think you kids will help
more if you go in the house.

Too many cooks spoil
the soup, you know.

- All right, good luck.
- Be careful.

It's been nice knowing you, Dad.

If we're not back in an hour,
send out a searching party.

Now, let's see.

As I remember, you push or
turn something to start the motor.

We'll get to that
in just a second.

First I want to explain about these
two pedals on the floorboard here.

There's your brake pedal
there and your accelerator.

You push the little one to go

and the big one to
stop. Isn't that right?

Well, yes, uh, roughly.

It's not very complicated.

Honey, even though there
are only two pedals on the floor

and it looks simple,

there's a lot more to
driving an automobile

than just going and stopping.

I know, dear.

I only said that basically
it's not complicated.

No. Basically, it's not.

Now, here's the ignition.

You mean the key.

The ignition key.

All right, the ignition key.
What's the difference?

Well, if this were only a key

and there were no
ignition hooked up to it,

you wouldn't be
able to start the car.

That's the difference.

You wouldn't have any
spark in your engine.

Why are you getting
angry about the key?

Honey, I'm not angry.

I'm... I'm just trying
to get across to you

that an automobile is not like
an automatic washing machine

or something where
you push a button

and pull a lever
and away it goes.

[toots horn]

You can't drive a car unless
you have some idea of why it runs.

If you say so.

Well, it stands to reason.

Not one woman in
our circle of friends

knows anything about a car

except how to start
it and how to stop.

Then they're not safe drivers.

Their husbands had three
accidents this past year.

The wives had none.

How do you explain that?

[mumbles]

Now, we'll go back
to the beginning.

You have two pedals
here on the floor.

The...

little one, the accelerator,

makes it go.

The big one, the brake,

makes it stop.

It's so much easier that way.

Oh, sure.

Now, let's start the
engine and get going.

You turn the ignition
key to the right,

but first you make sure

that your gear shift
handle is in neutral.

Okay, turn the key.

Just a minute.

- What are you doing?
- Hm?

Why the beauty check? We're
only driving around the block.

You never can tell
who we might run into.

- Are you ready?
- Am I ready?

I've been ready for 20
minutes. Start the car.

[engine starts]

How's that?

Magnificent.

Now, before you put the
gear shift handle into reverse,

look back and make
sure the driveway's clear.

All clear.

All right.

Now put it in reverse

and back up slowly.

[engine revs]

[Jim] Slowly! Put on the brakes!

Slowly! Put on the brakes!

[brakes screeching]

What happened?

You gave it the gas too quickly.

You didn't listen when I
told you to back up slowly.

You don't have to
push the accelerator

clear to the floor, you know.

But I didn't. I just touched it.

You touched it hard enough

so I nearly went
through the windshield.

Now, go easy, gently.

No, hold it! Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!

No, hold it. Hold it! Hold it!

Hold it!

There's something
wrong with this car.

Something wrong with the car?

I did exactly what you told me.

- You had it in low gear.
- I had what in low gear?

The gear shift
handle. This, this.

What happened to the engine?

You probably left it back there.

That's enough for today.

Thank you.

[slams door]

Better look a little happier
before we face the kids.

Now you sound like
Jim Anderson again.

In the car I wasn't
sure who you were.

Oh?

I wasn't too sure
who you were, either.

You certainly didn't
act like anyone I know.

Hi. How did it go?

Any fenders left on the car?

Yes, everything's fine.

- How do you like driving?
- Oh, fine.

So how far did you go?

Oh, not very far.

How is Father as a teacher?

Oh, fine.

It was the first time,
and I have a lot to learn.

It's... It's difficult,
you know.

She's going to do all right.

Can't expect to
be perfect right off.

Now, what was that for?

I just can't figure you and Mom.

If Earl's dad had been
teaching his mom how to drive,

they would have come
back slamming the doors

and yelling at each other,

but you two are so
calm and speak so nice.

Now, don't get me wrong.

I'm not against it.

I just can't figure it out.

I was telling Bud
before you came in

that, well, we
should both apologize

for the way we talked
at breakfast this morning.

Oh, I don't recall anything
you should apologize for.

All I can remember is Mrs. Earl
hit Mr. Earl with a record player

or vice versa.

Well, we just want you to know
how much we appreciate you.

That's very gratifying.

What have we done
to earn this praise?

Well, you behave like
mature, civilized people.

We should give thanks
to heaven every night

that we have parents that
don't bicker and quarrel.

You see, we realize
how lucky we are.

Jim.

Hand me the magazines
from the table, will you?

We're turning in
pretty early, aren't we?

You, uh, tired from
your day's driving?

It was a pretty exhausting trip.

What got into us anyhow?

We've never jawed at
each other like that before.

We must've sounded
like Maggie and Jiggs.

Seriously, how do
you account for it?

Is there some chemical
change takes place in a person

as soon as they get
behind the wheel of a car?

Chemical,
psychological, or what,

something happened.

You've never been as dumb
as you were this afternoon.

I'm not defending myself, dear,

but you've never been as
impossible as you were this afternoon.

Could be, but what
made us that way?

It had something
to do with the car.

That's for sure.

If I had been driving and you
were sitting on the passenger side,

we wouldn't have
had an argument.

Maybe when a husband and
wife change places in a car,

it upsets the cosmic
order of things.

I think it was because it
was late in the afternoon,

and we were both tired.

That's probably
the simple answer.

- [knock on door]
- Come in.

Everybody's going to
bed so early. How come?

We're tired. It's
been a long day.

Didn't seem any longer
than any other day.

Mommy, you wouldn't hit Daddy

with a record player, would you?

Oh, no, angel, of course not.

Why, I wouldn't hit
Daddy with anything.

Good night, you all.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Just wanted to be
sure. Good night.

Oh, good night, dear.

Good night, honey.

Good night.

Say, I was talking to
Earl on the phone tonight,

and his folks are having
another battle, real good one.

You know, things really
jump around his house.

I can't figure Bud.

Do you suppose
he thinks we're dull

because we don't fight like
Earl's father and mother?

It's possible.

Earl's stories probably
sound very exciting.

Well, father-mother battles

are very funny
in the comic strips

and in someone else's family.

They can be pretty unfunny

when they happen
in your own family.

Oh, don't pay any
attention to Bud.

Tomorrow he'll
probably think we're odd

because we don't
rent a house trailer

and drive to Alaska.

In the morning after breakfast

when we're not
tired and grouchy,

we'll make a new start
on the driving lesson, right?

Right.

- Hi.
- Good morning, son.

- Dad.
- Mm-hm?

Mom didn't talk much about
her driving lesson yesterday.

What's the deal? She
give the whole thing up?

Oh, no. No, of course not.

No, we're going out
again this morning.

Uh, of course you
have to understand, Bud,

that your mother is, uh...

Well, she's a woman,

and her attitude toward a car

is, well, a little different

from yours and mine.

What do you mean, different?

It's... It's... Well,
she does all right.

- It's just...
- [Betty] Breakfast is ready.

Oh. Let's go. Coming!

Dad says you're going out for
another driving lesson after breakfast.

Would you like to come along?

If Bud goes, I get to go.

Wouldn't that be a
lovely driving lesson...

You two sitting
in the back seat.

I'd like to go, no kidding.

I'd like to hear what goes on.

This is not being fresh, Dad,

but just what do you say
to Mom when she's driving?

Pardon me for
mentioning this, darling,

but I think you're driving on
the wrong side of the street.

That big old thing bearing
down on us is a ten-ton truck.

I mean, how do you pull her out?

There he goes again,
trying to start trouble.

- Whoa, now, hold it.
- Well, he is.

Ever since yesterday he's
been needling you and mother,

just trying to start a
fight between you two.

If you want a fight,
I'll give you one.

I'll hammer your hollow
head till it rings like Big Ben.

Fighting is for little kids

and boxers and wrestlers
and guys like that.

Isn't that right?

That's right.

Well, let's get to the
driving lesson, shall we,

before the Saturday
morning traffic?

Oh, I'll back up
the car for you.

[Jim] Okay.

Betty, will you and
Kathy start the dishes?

What's Bud doing?

Oh, he's gone out
to back up the car.

He'll be in to help you.

I'd just as soon he didn't
help me, that warmonger.

One of these days,
I'm going to clout him.

Everybody in this family
fights except Mom and Daddy.

[car starting]

Let's get off the battlefield.

If anyone calls, we'll be
back in about a half hour.

- Here you are, Mom.
- Thank you.

Good luck.

Oh, go in and help
Betty with the dishes,

and don't start any trouble.

All will be calm and angelic.

No harsh words will contaminate

the domesticated bliss
of our home sweet home.

Domesticated bliss.

[sighs] Shall we start?

Anytime. Fire it up.

[engine starts]

Very good.

How you feel, honey?

Fine. How do you feel?

Great.

This is the time for driving
lessons, in the morning.

Okay, back her on up.

Slowly this time.

That's fine. See how easy it is?

Now, you did that perfectly.

At least I didn't hit anything.

Well, where should we go now?

Oh, just swing down the street

and make a right
turn at the corner.

Let's see, to go
forward, I, uh...

Put the gear shift
in drive position.

Oh, the gear shift, that's it.

- [engine revs]
- Wait, hold it, hold it.

Why doesn't it go?

How can it? You
have it in neutral.

But I moved the lever down.

Honey, it's not the direction you
move the lever that's important.

It's the position
in which you set it.

You want it in drive.

Oh, oh.

How's that?

That's fine.

[horn honking]

Which way you going,
lady? Make up your mind.

Well, just wait a
minute, will you?

I'm waiting. I'm
waiting. Let's go.

Simmer down. She's
learning to drive.

[other car revs]

[tires screech]

Stupid man.

What did he expect me to do?

He expected you
to get out of his way.

He didn't have to be rude.

- All right, honey...
- Oh, there's Myrtle Davis.

Hello, Myrtle.

Margaret.

Margaret, you're driving.

How exciting. Congratulations.

How long has this been going on?

Oh, just since yesterday.
Where you going?

- The drug store.
- Well, get in.

- I'll drive you over.
- All right.

This is certainly a surprise.

I never thought I'd be riding
in a car you would be driving.

- Hi, Jim.
- Hello, Myrtle.

Margaret, I suggest if we're
going to have a driving lesson...

Oh, we can take
Myrtle to the drug store.

I'm driving in that
direction anyway.

The children made
such a terrible fuss

because I hadn't learned to
drive, and you know how it is.

If you can't drive,

you're always waiting for someone
to take you here or take you there.

I know it. You're absolutely
stranded these days if you don't drive.

I was telling Mrs.
Gilmore the other day...

Margaret, we're sitting right
in the middle of the street.

Let's go.

[other car screeches]

For Pete's sake, what are
you trying to do, kill us all?

But you told me to go.

[horns honking]

I've seen some hare-brained
performances in my time,

but nothing like that.

You keep screaming and shouting.

Hare-brained
performance? What did I do?

Picking up Myrtle Davis

when you were supposed
to be taking a driving lesson.

Getting that female public
address system in the back seat,

yak, yak, yak, paying no
attention to where you were going...

Jim Anderson, Myrtle Davis
is one of my dearest friends.

Myrtle Davis is a
friend of mine, too,

but she's an
empty-headed chatterbox.

If I had an ounce of sense, I'd
have told her to get out of the car,

and what happens to you when
you get behind the wheel of a car?

That's what I want to know.

You turn into an
absolute feather brain.

Feather brain? Just because I
do everything you ask me to do?

Learning to drive
wasn't my idea.

I have other things to do.

I don't care if I
never drive a car.

You act as if I'm stupid

just because I don't do
everything absolutely perfect.

I don't expect
you to be perfect.

I only expect you
to use your head.

Think. Think!

Not go plowing
along willy-nilly,

paying no attention
to where you're going.

I have other things
to do, too, you know,

besides taking my
life in my hands,

sitting in that car while
you steer with one finger,

carry on an idiotic conversation

with that female
in the back seat.

Believe me, if that's the way
you're going to drive a car,

you might as
well quit right now.

Good. I'll be happy if I never
set foot in that car again,

you with your superior "I know it
all and you know nothing" attitude.

I was patient. I
tried. I explained.

Yes, like you were
teaching a child.

Ignorant, simple-minded
little Margaret.

You were just sitting there

waiting for me to
make a mistake.

You were just waiting.

- How can you say...
- What I...

Bravo, very convincing.

You staged a very good
imitation of a quarrel.

You didn't think they were
really fighting, did you?

They were just kidding.

This quarrel was for
your benefit, bright eyes.

You've been
insisting they fight.

All right, admit it.

You were only
fooling, weren't you?

Were you?

Uh... Yes, yes,
it was just an act.

Wasn't it, honey?

Oh, yes. Yes, it
was just an act,

a very foolish act.

You know, it gave me
kind of a sick feeling

when I thought you
and Mom were fighting.

It was funny when Earl
told me about his folks,

but you and Mom...

I don't know, it just
didn't seem right.

We can understand that, Bud.

Well, it's okay.
It was just a gag.

Looked so real. Sure fooled me.

Well, I guess we're ready to go.

Oh, Margaret!

- Good luck, dear.
- Thank you.

- Bye.
- [Betty] Bye. Have a good time.

- Bye.
- Come back.

Father, I don't
understand this at all.

Princess, I really don't
understand it myself.

It has something
to do with chemistry,

black magic, I don't know.

- [Kathy] Bye. Be careful.
- [Bud] Watch out for
pedestrians and all.

Father...

There are some
things you cannot teach

to the person who
is closest to you,

and I think one of
them is driving a car.

Now with a professional
driving teacher,

your mother will probably
get along just fine.

Just take my word for it.

It's, uh... better this way.

[tires screech]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA