Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 4, Episode 29 - The Weaker Sex - full transcript

Here are...

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray,

and Lauren Chapin in...

Of all the weekends for the
geology class to make a field trip.

There isn't a boy in town

to take me to the
Founder's Day picnic.

Certainly not all the
boys went on the trip.

All the boys I know, that
any of my friends know.

It's the most
disgusting situation.

The day of the picnic,

and the town is full of
practically nothing but girls.



Say, where's the ice pick?
I'm looking for the ice pick.

Don't come in here
shoving people around.

- Well, I'm looking for...
- It's not here.

The ice pick's in the
top left-hand drawer.

You got the ice
cream freezer ready?

Oh, yeah, the freezer's all set.

Dad's bringing in the ice now.

I bet we have the best
homemade ice cream at the picnic.

Stick your finger
in it, taste it.

Oh, no, not with that finger.

I'll bet the whole idea of getting
the boys out of town on a field trip

was a plot by the Dean
of Women at the college

to sabotage the picnic.

What's the matter, Tallulah?
Did all the pigeons fly away?



Yes, and there's
nothing left in town

but the sparrows.

You don't say.

Well, I'll tell you, now.

Us eagles are going
stag to the picnic.

Why don't you mud
hens do the same thing?

Mother, shouldn't the
children be outside?

All right, eagle boy,
fly out to your father

and tell him the cream will
be ready to go in the freezer

in just five minutes.

Remember, I get to crank it.

Say, Miss Lonelyhearts,

why don't you get a date with
that new guy down the street.

He just moved in.

He's probably confused
by his new surroundings,

so maybe you can
sneak up on him.

Oh.

Despicable brother.

Those new people down
the street have a girl, too.

Bud ought to see her.

What is their name, Mommy?

Their name's Kramer.
Oh, and don't let me forget.

I have a telephone
message from Mrs. Kramer.

One of you can
take it down to her

before we leave for the picnic.

What are we doing, running a
telephone answering service?

No, Mrs. Kramer
stopped by yesterday

and asked if she
could give our number

till their phone's installed.

I was glad to do it.

Hold the picnic!

Stop the machinery
in the ice cream plant.

- I'm out of salt.
- Oh, here's some salt.

I need more than that, kitten.

I have to get ice cream salt,

the coarse kind that you put in

with the chipped
ice in the freezer.

Anything else you
need at the store?

Nothing at the store,
but on your way,

will you drop a message
off at the Kramers'?

It's that slip of paper
right there by the phone.

Father, don't read it.

Who are the Kramers?

The new family that
moved into the yellow house

next door to the Franklins.

I told Mrs. Kramer we'd
take messages for her

till they got their phone.

All right, I'll deliver it.

Anything else now I
can do for anyone?

When you stop at the Kramers',

you can get Betty a
date with their son.

You go.

You stop.

You be quiet.

- Oh.
- Yes, sir?

I'm Jim Anderson
from down the street.

I have a telephone message
for your mother or father.

They at home?

Gee, I think they are,

but if no one
answers the door...

That's my kid sister over
there with her friend...

- She'll take the message.
- Thank you.

Well, nobody's asked me to
the picnic yet, but I'm not worried.

I'll get a date.

But where are you going
to get a date, Marty?

You don't even know
any boys in Springfield.

Okay, I'll get
acquainted with some.

There's a real cute boy
lives right down the street.

His name is Bud Anderson.

There are cute boys
on our block, too.

So what?

They don't come
around asking for dates.

What are you going to do?

You certainly can't sit
home and wait for them.

That's for sure.

Suppose you're going
to walk right up and say,

"Hello, Bud Anderson,
how about a date?"

Maybe I won't
do it just like that,

but I bet I'll get a date
with him for the picnic.

Oh, Marty Kramer,
you're out of your head.

All right, you
just wait and see.

But the picnic is today.

I know it.

And how are you going
to get him to ask you?

You haven't even met him.

Oh, Alice,

a girl can make a man do
anything she wants him to do

if she really puts
her mind to it.

I've decided Bud Anderson

is going to take
me to the picnic.

What's your plan?

Well, I'm going to
put on my new skirt

and that light blue sweater
that everybody likes so much.

Oh, it's so pretty.

I may not even go to the picnic.

Oh, come on.

Don't be a Droopy Susie.

What's the fun of
standing around alone,

the only girl there
without a date?

How will I explain it?

Just tell people
you're repulsive.

Want a deviled egg?

Sure.

Well, if your father doesn't get
here pretty soon with that salt,

we're going to have
unfrozen ice cream.

Hey, maybe the Kramers are renting
that house as a front for some killers,

and Dad stumbled into a meeting
where they were planning their next crime,

and they've got him tied up and
locked in the basement just waiting to...

Hi, Dad.

Did I interrupt a discussion?

No, bubble-brain here was
off on one of his flights of fancy.

Can we start freezing
the ice cream?

Here, put some salt in the ice.

Oh, gosh - Yahoo!

Follow the directions
on the back.

Hurray!

Come on into the
living room for a sec.

I have to tell you what
happened over at the Kramers'.

Hey, wait, don't walk out on me.

Your mother will tell you later.

I don't want Bud's big
ears to start flapping.

Remember, be careful you
don't get the salt in the ice cream.

Well, what happened
at the Kramers'?

I'm dying of curiosity.

I wish you'd been
there. It was wonderful.

- Tell me.
- I met the son out in front,
whatever his name is.

- Don, I think.
- Yeah.

He's a nice-looking boy.

I went up to the door and I
was just about to ring the doorbell

when I heard Marty,
the Kramers' daughter,

and another girl talking
about Bud Anderson.

Oh?

These two youngsters were
sitting out on a swing out all alone

with their backs to
me, talking about boys.

Naturally.

So Marty said to her friend,

"I've decided that Bud Anderson

is going to take
me to the picnic."

Oh, she decided...
just like that.

I shouldn't have eavesdropped,
but I couldn't resist.

I had to hear this.
She wasn't kidding.

Marty Kramer has
her sights on Bud,

and she's going to get him
as her date for the picnic.

How does she plan on doing this?

Is she going to lasso him
or drop a net over him?

That part I missed,

but she did make one
rather startling statement.

This girl-child
announced, and I quote,

"A girl can make a man do
anything she wants him to do

if she really puts
her mind to it."

Sounds like Bud
better run for the hills.

Bud, were you
listening all this time?

I couldn't help it.

I jabbed my finger
on the freezer

and was going
upstairs for some tape.

Who's cranking the freezer?

Kathy's doing it.

What's this jazz
about some girl saying

I was going to take
her to the picnic?

Well, you shouldn't
have been listening

to other people's conversation.

Dad did.

Who does this Marty
Kramer think she is?

No girl decides
what I'm going to do.

All right, don't explode at us.

Of all the brass.
I can tell you this.

If any girl thinks she's
going to tell me what to do,

she's going to be
sadly disappointed.

She can put her mind to it all
day, and it isn't going to move me.

She can put her
mind to it all year.

If there's anything
that makes a guy sore,

it's having some female
trying to order him around.

I have a feeling
that any minute now

the irresistible force is going
to meet the immovable object.

She's coming over
here, you know, Marty is,

and she's a very
determined girl.

Daddy!

Yes?

My arm's getting tired.

Where's Bud?

I'll be out in a second.

Here comes the
irresistible force.

Isn't that Marty Kramer?

Yep, that's Marty. Oh, me.

She's marching
up to the front door

like a general taking
command of a fort.

Daddy!

Relax a minute, Kathy.

Ask Betty to crank for a while.

I'm shirking my duty
as an ice cream cranker,

but I've got to see how
Marty makes out with Bud.

Well, battle stations.

Hello. I'm Marty Kramer
from down the block.

Hello, Marty. Come on in.

Thank you.

Hello, Marty. I'm
Margaret Anderson.

Hello.

I've talked to your
mother several times.

Oh, yes, she was telling
me that she'd been here.

Oh, uh, I wonder,
could I use the phone?

Why, yes, it's right
there by the stairs.

Help yourself.

You've awfully nice-looking
children, Mr. Anderson.

Well, thank you.

Of course, I've only
seen one of them.

I believe his name is... is Bud?

He's real cute.

Let's see now. Who
was I going to call?

Well, there's a phonebook in
the desk drawer if you need it.

Oh, no, that's all right.

I remember the number.

I suppose Bud's
gone for the day?

Oh, no, he's upstairs.

Traitor.

Hello, Bob?

This is Marty.

Oh, I'm fine. How are you?

Oh, well, gee, it's awfully
nice of you to ask me,

but I think I have a
date for next Saturday.

Oh, the Friday after that?

Well, no, no, I think I
have something planned.

Uh...

oh, Bob, I don't know
why you say such things.

Are you getting this
act? It's a fake phone call.

She's holding the button
down, watching Bud like a hawk.

Oh, no, you don't, either.

Don't be silly.

You do?

Oh, what a
ridiculous thing to say.

But, Bob, I told
you I'd try to go,

but I just couldn't get it...

There he goes. I think
he's going to make it.

Oh, don't be silly. Aah!

Oh, oh, I didn't
mean to kick you.

Oh, that's all right.

Will you help me up?

Thank you.

My name is Marty Kramer.

We just moved in down the block.

I've watched you playing
football in the street

with your boy friends.

Oh, yeah, well, we toss the
ball around every once in a while.

I always know when
it's you out there

because you never miss a catch.

Oh, I miss sometimes.

D-Did I hurt your ankle bad?

Oh, no, it's all right.

Are you going to the picnic?

Oh, yeah, sure, I
wouldn't miss that.

That's the big event of
the year in Springfield.

Gee, you're lucky.

I suppose you're
going with somebody,

a girlfriend, I mean.

No, just going.

Well, Bud, I don't know
anybody here in Springfield,

and would you think
I was very pushy

if I asked you a question?

No.

Would you like to take me
to the picnic this afternoon?

Well... sure.

Oh, I'd love to go, Bud.

It was so sweet
of you to ask me.

I'll see you at my
house at 1:30, okay?

Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Anderson,
for letting me use the phone.

You're... You're very welcome.

Bye, Bud. See you at 1:30.

What's going on here? I
thought I heard a girl's voice.

You did.

Bud's taking Marty
Kramer to the picnic.

There's just one
thing I can't figure out.

She said it was so sweet of
me to ask her to the picnic.

Did I ask her?

You must've. You
have a date with her.

What's the matter, silly.
Don't you want the date?

Oh, I don't mind having a date.

I'd just like to
know how I got it.

Figure it out for
yourself, Claude.

Marty went to all that trouble
just to get a date with me.

It sure means I'm not the
ugliest guy in the world.

Yeah, I know. It means
I'm the second ugliest.

Seriously, though.

When you think about it,

how often does a pretty girl

come over your house and
practically ask you for a date?

Yeah, with you, never.

Don't be discouraged, Claude.

Maybe there's a trend starting.

Maybe guys like us are
going to be more in demand.

Hmm? No, I don't mind

if a girl like Marty
asked me for a date.

Gigolo.

That was my sister.

She's jealous because she doesn't
have a date for the picnic today.

I keep telling her she ought
to ask Marty's brother Don.

When I have to ask
a boy to take me out,

it'll be a cold day in summer.

I can tell you that.

I'm freezing.

Why? I've been holding the ice
cream freezer while Daddy cranked it.

Boy, that thing's cold.

No kidding, Claude.

We've got the goofiest
bunch of dames around here.

How's it coming, ice cream man?

I think it's
beginning to freeze.

Here's some more chipped
ice when you need it.

That son of yours is in there

blabbing on the phone to Claude,

telling the whole world
I haven't got a date.

Oh, come now, princess.

It's a fine day. We're going
to have a wonderful picnic,

homemade ice
cream, chocolate cake.

Don't pay any attention to Bud.

After all, Claude isn't
exactly in your circle of friends.

No, but it's the
principle of the thing.

Makes me feel like some
old, unwanted piece of junk.

Oh, you are a sad soul today.

When you really
feel like crying,

you can come in and
help me slice onions

for the potato salad.

Father, did you ever have
a girl ask you for a date?

Before we were married,

your mother used to beg
me for dates all the time.

Don't you believe it.

Father, I asked you
a serious question.

Well, princess, if what
you're getting around to

is whether I think you
should ask Don Kramer

to take you to the picnic...

I didn't say that, Father.

You're putting
words in my mouth.

I'm sorry.

I never asked a boy
for a date in my life,

and I certainly don't
intend to start now.

Aah!

All right, that's up to you.

My only thought was that Don
seems to be a decent sort of a boy.

I met his mother.

If you're trying to
sell me on the idea

of going down there and
making a spectacle of myself...

I'm not trying to
sell you on anything.

You're the one
that's complaining

about going to the picnic alone.

Hey, Abigail, I
just had a thought.

The public library's still open.

What about it?

Just in case you
wanted to pick up

a couple of books
to read at the picnic

while the rest of
us are living it up.

They've got some real good ones

for those people
who are less popular,

you know, like I Was
A Teenage Nothing,

Ought To Be Happy Though
Looking Like A Dishrag,

a lot of good stuff like that.

You are not amusing.

Stop heckling your sister.

Ow! God, oh.

Take over the controls.

Of course, Captain.

Just keep circling.

Right-o.

By Jove, we must
be over the Arctic.

I feel a cold blast.

Don't let it slow
down your engines.

Maybe you could take a
cue from Marty Kramer.

How did she put it, dear?

"A girl can make a boy do
anything she wants him to do..."

"If she really puts
her mind to it."

So if you want Don Kramer
to ask you to the picnic today,

just put your mind to it.

I could no more ask him
to take me to the picnic

than I could fly.

No one's saying
you should ask him.

Use the subtle approach.

I'm sure you could manage
to get acquainted with Don,

and since we know he's a nice
boy and we've met his mother,

I see nothing wrong in sort of
maneuvering him into asking you.

Do you, dear?

No, I told Betty
outside. I'm all for it.

Sure, you and
mother are all for it.

You don't have to go down
there and humiliate yourself.

What if he said,

"Oh, I'm sorry, little girl,

but I already have a
date for the picnic"?

I'd die right there.

I'd go right through the floor.

Well, it's up to you.

Only I repeat,

you're not going to get a
date moping around the house.

If all your regular
boyfriends are out of town,

then you'll have
to hunt for a date.

And if you're going hunting,

it's always best to go

to a place where
game has been seen.

Down at Kramer Hollow,
there's a nice young moose.

All right, if you all insist

that I make a complete
and utter fool of myself,

I'll do it.

Going out after him, huh?

Yes, I'm going out after a man.

I'm going to take a big club
and bonk him over the head

and then drag him back
to my cave by his hair.

Does that make you
happy, Gigolo Joe?

Do you think she'd really do it?

Why don't you keep
out of Betty's affairs?

Go finish the ice cream.

Oh, it's all finished,
froze up solid.

That old crank
slowed up and stopped

and I couldn't
turn it another...

Ah-ah-ah-ah. No samples.

You can bring in
the picnic hamper

but don't drop
the thermos bottle.

I don't know.

Seems like it used to be
so easy to go on a picnic.

All you had to worry
about was the food.

Yeah, now we have to go
through seven acts of melodrama,

assorted emotional outbursts.

Here's all the junk.

By the time I get to making
like a mule around here,

I'm going to be too
bushed to go to the picnic.

I'll get to the dance tonight
and fall flat on my face.

I'm sure you'll struggle
through somehow.

If we see you sagging,
we'll hold you up.

What, are you and
Dad going to the dance?

Why not?

It's not restricted to
just the young cats.

Had we planned on going
dancing tonight after the picnic?

Dear, there's always
the dance at green lake

after the Farmer's Day picnic,

and we've always gone to it.

I recall we always
come limping home,

vowing never again.

Good argument going.

Get your bets down, folks,

says they're going
to dance right there.

Oh, hush.

You serious about
this dancing thing?

Certainly, dear.

Oh, we always have a good time.

In spite of all the groaning
and grumbling of the husbands.

Well, you have to admit it.

You and Mom won third
prize in the Charleston contest.

I remember that.

Maybe this year
you'll win second prize.

Oh, you have to come
home, change your clothes.

I don't have any
shoes to dance in.

I've had your black
shoes resoled and polished

just for the occasion.

You've been
planning this, I see.

You going to go, Dad?

Regarding something, I have a
slightly better memory than your mother.

I remember coming home
last year and swearing,

no more dancing
after the picnic.

I feel like a complete idiot,

but I'm ready to
go date hunting.

You look beautiful, princess.

Old Don Kramer's
as good as hooked.

Father, you make
it sound so awful.

You're not going down
there to throw yourself at Don.

For heaven's sakes,

there are any number
of discreet ways

of attracting a boy's attention.

Sure, belt him with a shovel.

Hands are cold, I'm shaking.

I've never been
so scared in my life.

Why?

The Kramer's are practically
our next door neighbors.

They'll probably be
around for a long, long time.

Sure. They're the new
people on the block,

so think of yourself as
kind of a welcome wagon,

a rolling barrel of good will.

That's all. Out. Out.

May as well go, I suppose,

and get it over with.

Oh, I'll get it.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

Wish me luck.

- Good luck.
- Good luck.

See you later.

Oh, I know how Betty feels,

going out deliberately
to get a date.

You know, it was
different with Marty.

She didn't really trap me
into asking her to the picnic,

and once I got a
good look at her,

I would've asked her anyway.

- Oh, hello.
- How do you do?

Is Mr. Anderson at home?

Yes, just a minute. Father!

- Coming.
- He'll be right here.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Oh, I'm Lewis Kramer. We bought
the house just down the street here.

It's a pleasure to meet
you. Won't you come in?

Thank you.

Our wives became acquainted over
the use of your telephone, I believe.

Yes, I understood that.

Come in. Sit down.

- I only have a minute,
Mr. Anderson.
- That's all right.

It'll give us a chance
to get acquainted.

- Margaret.
- Oh.

This is Lewis Kramer,
our new neighbor.

How do you do, Mr. Kramer?

How do you do?
Very nice to meet you.

The reason I came over...

I want to apologize

for that impulsive,
headstrong daughter of mine.

You'll have to
take my word for it.

If I had known she was
going to come over here

and ask your son for a date,

I never would have allowed it.

Plain bad manners.

Oh, Mr. Kramer, we
thought nothing of it.

In fact, we were very
glad she came over.

If it'll make you
feel any better,

I'll tell you where our
daughter was going

when she passed you at the door.

She was on her way
over to your house

to ask your son if he'd
like to take her to the picnic.

I don't know.

I guess kids are
different these days.

Mommy, I can't
find my flight suit!

Our younger daughter
seems to have a problem, too.

Will you excuse me?

- Mommy.
- Coming, Kathy.

Mother! Mother, it
worked. It worked.

I have a date with Don Kramer.

I didn't even have to ask him.

- He's so sweet and so dumb.
- Betty...

I used the oldest
trick in the world.

He's out mowing the lawn,

and I just walked by
and dropped my lipstick.

He fell for it like
a ton of bricks.

In five minutes I had
him practically begging me

to go to the picnic with him.

- Dear...
- Believe me,

Marty Kramer spoke
the truth when she said

a girl can get a man to do
anything she wants him to do

if you put your mind to it.

I'm with Don, the sweet,
simple, naive thing,

and I didn't even have
to put all my mind to it.

- It was...
- Betty.

Mother, what's wrong?

Oh.

Betty,

This is Mr. Kramer.

How do you do, Mister...

Mr. Kramer Aah!

Come in.

We're leaving for the picnic.

Don's waiting for
you downstairs.

Tell him I can't go.

Oh, princess, you're
being very foolish.

You're not helping matters
any by hiding from Don.

How can I face him
after the things I said

with his father sitting
right there listening?

I could die. I could simply die.

Betty, I'll let you
in on a little secret,

but you must never
tell any other girl.

This is a secret that
men guard with their lives.

Very few women know it.

You think you fooled Don

with that old trick of
dropping your lipstick?

He knew all the time
what you were doing.

H-How do you know?

Princess, down through the years

man, simple and naive as he is,

has learned one thing about
how to get along with woman.

He's learned to always let
her think that she's fooling him.

You're just making this up.

No, cross my heart.

But if Mr. Kramer
told Don what I said...

He promised he wouldn't.

You see, all your
tears were for nothing.

Come on, Dad, Betty! Let's go!

Don't bother about
clothes for the dance.

We'll come home to change.

Are you and mother
going to the dance?

Your mother wants to go,

so I imagine she'll work on
me with her feminine wiles.

You haven't
answered my question.

Are you going?

Sure.

But I'll have to let her think
she maneuvered me into it.

You see, men aren't as
naive as you think they are.

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