Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 4, Episode 22 - Country Cousin - full transcript

[Announcer] Here are...

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray,

and Lauren Chapin in...

[laughter]

Listen, what did we decide
about Saturday night?

- All right. Who's going with who?
- Betty's going with me.

- Wait...
- What do you mean she's going
with you? I asked her.

We can decide this tomorrow.

Look, why don't we all
plan to meet at my house?

[all talking at once]

Let the man through
here. Give him a little room.



Hurry up, little man.

Take it easy. You're
losing your education.

Easy. Easy.

[laughter]

My brother.

[laughter continues]

Oh, thank goodness you're home.

Come and help me. Quick! Hurry!

Why the extra bed
here in Betty's room?

We're having a houseguest.

Sometimes Betty
gives me a large pain.

Oh, what's she done now?

When I came home, she
was standing on the front steps

with her fan club, the
campus big wheels.



Didn't even bother
to introduce me.

Just gave me the big brush.

[high-pitched voice]
Hurry, little man.

Get me the blankets
up there, will you?

Boy, talk about having a
large opinion of yourself.

Oh, I think you're a
little oversensitive.

- Greetings, Your Highness.
- Hello.

- Hi, Mother.
- Did you lose something?

Oh, I'm looking for that
little jewel box of mine.

Tommy insisted that I
take his class ring today.

And I'm sure I have at
least five exactly like it.

Only five class rings,

and a thousand
guys in the school?

How'd the other 995 get away?

Oh, I'm simply losing my mind

trying to decide who to go to
the dance with Saturday night.

Tommy, Joel, Maurie.

Each one insists I go with him.

Of course, Ralph
will expect me to...

What's the extra bed
doing in my room?

Oh, it took you quite
a little while to notice.

Your cousin Milly's coming
to spend the week with us.

Cousin Milly?
Which cousin is that?

Well, she's the daughter of
your Uncle Wilbur and Aunt Anne.

- The ones that have the farm.
- Oh, those.

Egad! They're peasants.

How can you say "Oh, those"?

You've never met
any one of them.

Oh, Father's told us
about his brother Wilbur

and the farm up in the forsaken
place, practically in Canada.

What's the name
of the town? Jerzy?

- Gurnee.
- Oh, Gurnee.

Can you think of a cornier
name for a town than Gurnee?

What did Dad say
the population was?

319, including cats,
dogs, and gophers?

Their farm is about
20 miles from town.

And it's quite nice, as farms
go up there, I understand.

They have electric lights.

They raise wheat, corn, barley.

Say, how big is cousin Milly?

She's almost Betty's age.

She's coming down to look
over Springfield Junior College.

We thought it'd be nice if
she went to school down here.

Oh, Milly can use
these two top drawers,

and I'll put some
hangers in the closet.

Mother, isn't this asking
just a little too much?

Giving me a roommate
I've never seen before.

Some farm child from
some backwoods gulch.

She's not a farm child.
She's a girl just like you

who happens to have
been raised in the country.

Well, cheer up, queenie.

Just look at the
jolly times you'll have

introducing your country cousin
to your countless admirers.

Well, I called the
airport, and Milly arrives

on Flight 317 at
4:25 this afternoon.

Now, you be sure and meet her.

Don't worry. I'll
meet her. Relax.

Relax? It's a question
of making breakfast

and getting the
children off to school,

preparing for Milly.

[Kathy] Daddy!

I'm in the bedroom, kitten.

Daddy, does Cousin Milly speak
the same language as we do?

Well, of course she does.
What made you think she didn't?

Well, Betty says that
she lives so far away...

Way, way, way far away.

Well, it's not quite
as far away as that.

She lives in Primitive.

- Where?
- Betty says she was
a Primitive.

What kind of people are those?

Well, it doesn't matter because
your cousin Milly isn't one of them.

- You ever seen her?
- Not recently.

But Milly's father's my brother,

and I know he's not primitive.

Have you seen him lately?

Don't believe
everything Betty tells you.

All she knows about farm people

she learned from "Li'l Abner."

Where is Betty?

- [no audible dialogue]
- [chuckling]

Grace, I don't know what I'm
going to be doing from here on.

My cousin is coming
to stay with us.

My cousin from Gurnee.
And don't ask me where it is.

It's somewhere in the
ragged end of the corn belt.

No, it's not a he. It's a she.

Her name is Millicent.
Isn't that the absolute end?

I'm being glared
at by my father.

I'll, uh, talk to you later.

Bye.

Uh, did you want
me for something?

Princess, will you
do me a favor?

Certainly.

In spite of the fact that
you feel so vastly superior

to your cousin Milly from the
ragged end of the corn belt,

I'm counting on you to
introduce her to your friends,

arrange dates for her,

and see that she has a
good time while she's here.

Am I coming through?

Oh, but it all sounds
very easy to you, Father.

Just get dates for her.

But it's not that simple.

The boys are gonna want
to know what she's like,

and you can't blame them.

I told you what she's
like. She's a very nice girl.

- Oh, I know, Father.
- Betty,

as a favor to me.

All right. I'll see
that she has dates.

I'll talk to the boys
this afternoon.

Thank you... princess.

[Betty chuckles]

I have nothing against cousins.

I just want to see
what she looks like

before I sign up for
any dates with her.

Anyway, I was taking
you to the dance.

- I can go with you anytime.
- No, you weren't.

- Not with these vultures
always trying to beat my time.
- Look, Tom...

I think that one of you fellas
would be gentleman enough

to take her out,
as a favor to me,

no matter what she looks like.

Well, look, is she
blonde or brunette?

I don't know.

Well, is she
short, tall, thin, fat?

I told you, I don't know.

All I know is that she
arrives this afternoon,

and that she's my
father's brother's daughter.

Well, you've seen
Betty's father.

- He's not bad-looking.
- The date's not with
her father.

Listen, one of you fellas

is taking Cousin Millicent
to the dance tomorrow night.

I don't care which one. You can
decide that among yourselves.

Look, it was all settled.
I was gonna take you.

You're dreaming. I'm the only one here
that has a date with Betty tomorrow night.

Joel, boy, I asked
her over a month ago.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, now, wait a minute, Tom...

All right, all right! Let's adjourn
the Betty Anderson Fan Club.

Which one of you cowards is
gonna take cousin Milly to the dance?

Cowards? What
about your boyfriend?

Why doesn't he
escort the farm queen?

He gets hay fever.

Big joke.

Please?

I'll tell you what.

We'll come over to your house
tomorrow afternoon, and we'll meet her.

Well, we'll see
what she looks like,

and at least get
over the first shock.

Then we'll flip a
coin or something

and see which one
of us gets hooked.

Okay?

All right.

Well, we'll see you at
your house tomorrow, then.

- Around 2:00.
- Yeah.

Now, don't look so abused.
You're not gonna be shot.

Maybe after we meet your
cousin, we'll wish we were.

The things we
have to do for you.

- Oh, boy.
- Wow.

Wow.

I just had a horrible thought.

What if your cousin
Milly isn't a cornball?

Oh, why the sudden
interest in the family album?

What? Oh. I was
just looking through it

to see if I could find a
picture of cousin Milly.

What's the point in
looking for her in the album?

You're gonna see her in
person in a few minutes.

Let's see. The
plane landed at 4:25.

- Give her about another...
- They're here! Mommy!

Daddy just drove
in the driveway!

I saw them from upstairs.

I wish I knew what
farmers talked about.

- What will I say to her?
- Just what you say to anyone.

Because she comes from a farm

doesn't make her any different.

[running footsteps]

- Aunt Margaret!
- Milly!

Oh! I thought I'd
never get here.

It seems like I've traveled
halfway around the world.

Five hours on a plane, you've
covered quite a few miles.

Well, you're here, and
that's all that matters.

Now, Milly, a
brand-new set of cousins.

This is Kathy.

Hello, Kathy.

Hi! What's new on the farm?

- That's a dumb thing to say.
- Oh, that's all right.

We have lots of new
things on the farm, Kathy,

and tonight I'll tell
you all about them.

And this is Bud.

- Bud.
- Hi, cousin.

You're so grown-up
and good-looking.

Yeah.

The last picture we have of Bud,

he was still a little boy.

And this is Betty.

Betty.

All the way down on the plane,

I was wondering
what you'd be like.

Isn't that a coincidence?
She was wondering...

Welcome to Springfield.
How was your trip, Milly?

Oh, it was so exciting.

Honestly, so much
has happened today,

and I've seen so many
new things, I'm almost dizzy.

Betty, I suggest you
show Milly your room

and, uh, give her a
chance to catch her breath.

Sure. Come on up.

Oh, here. Let me
give you a hand, Dad.

Thanks, old man.

This is the dormitory,
such as it is.

Your room is beautiful, Betty.

Oh, well, thank you.

It must be fun
to live in the city.

People all around you, so many
places to go, and things to see.

Don't you love it?

I don't know. I never
thought about it.

Springfield is so big.

It's ten times as big as Norvo.

- Norvo?
- Norvo's the county seat.

It's 50 miles from Gurnee.

We went down there
on a 4-H trip last year.

Do you know that
that's the farthest

I've been from home
in my whole life?

- Really?
- [phone ringing]

Ever since I got on the
airplane this morning,

I felt like I'd died

and I've been flying
around heaven all day.

[Kathy] Betty, telephone!

Oh, I'll take it in
the front bedroom!

Excuse me just a minute.

Hello? Oh, hi, Grace.

Yes, she arrived.

Oh, say, can you hold
the line just a second?

We can talk now.

I'm on the upstairs phone,
and the bedroom door was open.

Well, she's down the
hall in my bedroom.

Well, tell me about cousin
Milly. What's she like?

Grace, you won't believe it.
You simply won't believe it.

Just answer me one question.

Is she competition?

Competition? Ha!

I'll tell you how glamorous
and sophisticated she is.

This is the first time in her life she's
been more than 50 miles from home.

I'll tell you,

I've got a country
cousin with a capital K.

Duh!

Can you imagine, she
came right out and told me

that Springfield
was the biggest town

she'd ever seen in her life?

Oh, no. She must
be a real simple soul.

Oh, poor kid. Her
clothes are so corny.

She probably bought them
at the general store in Gurnee.

♪♪ [jazz]

Hello, Bud.

- Oh, hi.
- Your car?

Yeah. I'm fixing my
radio. How does it sound?

It sounds fine.
I'll be right down.

- Well, are you all settled?
- Oh, sure.

Say, is this outfit all
right to wear around here?

Is it proper?

Well, it's not only proper.

I'd say it's terrific.

Oh, I like you, Uncle Jim.

Where to?

I have to see Bud's car.

♪♪ [continues]

Oh, Milly, how nice you look.

Oh, thank you. Can I help?

Oh, there's
nothing to do, really.

And besides, we have
a rule for houseguests...

No work the first day.

After that, look out.

Oh, how modern everything is.

Just like the pictures
in the magazines.

Uncle Jim must love you a lot
to give you such a nice kitchen.

Thank you, Milly. That's one of
the nicest compliments I've ever had.

What is Bud doing to that radio?

Trying to blow us
out of the house?

[Betty] Honestly, Grace,
I feel sorry for Milly...

I've been trying to call
Patty Davis for an hour.

Old Betty's on there
yakking with Grace.

Hey, Milly!

Well, it stands to reason

that a girl that's been
cooped up on a farm all her life

is gonna be awkward
and out of place in the city.

Well, I feel sorry for the boys.

I hate to think what's
in store for them.

♪♪ [continues]

Betty? You still there?

Betty?

Turn up the radio, Kathy.

Betty?

[no audible dialogue]

Hey, Betty!

Betty, where are you? Hey.

What's wrong?

Say, Cousin Milly, you
really shuffle up a storm.

You go to that dance tomorrow
night, you'll be a smash.

Betty!

Operator?

Hello? Hello?

Grace, I'll have
to call you back.

The noise?

Why, that's Cousin
Milly shuffling up a storm.

Milly, where'd
you learn to dance

like you were doing yesterday?

Oh, I just picked it
up watching television.

- ♪♪ [humming]
- Now, hold still,

- or you're gonna get stuck
with a pin.
- [squealing]

Milly, it's five
minutes of 2:00.

The boys will be here any
minute. What are you doing?

Aunt Margaret
found this old dress.

I'm fixing it over for Kathy.

It's gonna be real cute. You
see, the skirt will be full, and...

That's very nice, but the boys
are coming, and you're not dressed.

I told you yesterday

that Maurie and Joel and Tommy
were coming over this afternoon.

- They're coming to meet you.
- I'll be finished in a minute.

I'll hurry.

[laughing]

Three of Betty's
boyfriends are coming over

to have a look at Milly.

- Oh?
- Sort of a preview

before they decide which one's
gonna take her to the dance tonight.

Oh, honestly, your
brother's daughter.

- What's Milly done now?
- I break my fool neck

trying to get boys over here...

And not just
ordinary boys, either,

but my boyfriends,
the pick of the crop...

So she can have a date tonight.

And is she interested?
She isn't even dressed.

I saw her a few minutes
ago. She was dressed.

Oh, Father, it's going
to be hard enough

to get one of the
boys to take her out.

She doesn't have
to make it worse

by wearing those farm clothes.

Why, I thought she
was all right for Saturday.

- Oh, Mother.
- [doorbell rings]

There are the boys.
And where is Miss Alfalfa?

Oh, that girl.

Some days, I think
she's an angel.

The next, I'd like to take her
over my knee and blister her.

[chatter]

- Where is your cousin?
- Milly will be right down.

Come on in, boys.

On the level, what's she like?

Well, now, fellas,
you must understand

that Milly is a country girl.

She's sweet. Just as
sweet as she can be.

- [groans]
- Well, she is,
and she's a lot of fun.

A lot of fun.

She might just as well as
said Milly was a typhoid carrier.

Why do we have to be the goats?

I mean, couldn't you find
somebody else to take her out?

- Somebody you hate?
- It's not that bad.

You're gonna find that
Milly has a heart of gold.

Why we ever let ourselves
into this thing, I'll never know.

We should have
our heads examined.

Hello.

Sorry I didn't get dressed up,

but I've been making
over a dress for Kathy,

and I didn't realize
it was so late.

Boy, did I stick my finger.

Oh, this is my
cousin Milly Anderson.

- Maurie Webster.
- Maurie.

- Hi.
- Joel Malone.

- Hello.
- Hi, Joel.

- And Tommy Davis.
- Hi, Tommy.

Hello.

This is Milly's first
time in Springfield.

More than that, it's my
first time in any big city.

Do you consider
Springfield a big city?

Oh, sure. Compared
to Gurnee, it's a giant.

Well, where's Gurnee?

It's about 20 miles
from our farm.

It's a real little town.

You have to be careful
driving through Gurnee

'cause if you blink
your eyes, you'll miss it.

Which one's taking
me to the dance?

Oh, I don't know.

If I had my pick, I don't
know which one I'd choose.

No secrets with Milly.

You have happy
eyes, and you're tall.

I like tall boys.

- I'd like to dance with you.
- With me?

- Why, he's the worse dancer
in town.
- I'll say.

I don't believe it.

- Come on.
- Huh?

[humming]

Ah, you see, you're
a wonderful dancer.

You're not as handsome as
Tommy, but you're nice-looking.

- Maybe you're
the intelligent type.
- [snickering]

Him? Intelligent?

That's the biggest laugh yet.

I'd like to go out with you.

Milly!

What is it, Kathy?

I'm stuck in the dress! Help!

Excuse me.

I'm coming.

Don't rip it.

Tell you what,

I'm gonna give
you fellas a break.

I'm gonna take her
to the dance tonight.

Thank you, Joel.
You're very kind.

Now, as far as I'm concerned,

I think Tommy was the
first one to ask me, so...

Just a minute,
Betty. Wait a second.

Joel, seems to me that
on the way over here,

you said something
about you'd rather be shot

than take Milly to
the dance tonight.

- Well, so did you.
- Yeah, well, I changed my mind.

- Well, so did I.
- She's going with Joel.

It's all settled.

- Okay.
- Tell Milly
I'll see her tonight.

I'll pick you up at 8:00.

Joel can come with
me. We'll take my car.

Oh, that'll be just dandy.

Gee, I think you've
got a terrific cousin.

Oh, haven't I, though?

Did you see what she did,

right there in our living
room, under my very nose?

My sweet little country cousin
tried to steal my boyfriend.

- Oh...
- She's a little sneak. That's what she is.

Well, now... Oh...

Wouldn't you think Betty would
have more sense than that?

Remember, dear,
one thing about girls,

relatives or no relatives,

when there are boys
involved, there's no such thing

as friendly competition.

Milly wasn't trying to
compete for anything.

She was only being pleasant
and honest in her own way.

- Well...
- No reason for Betty
to raise such a row.

Maybe you better go upstairs

and pour some oil
on the troubled waters.

Jealous females.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,

who's the fairest one of all?

What's the trouble, princess? Isn't
the mirror giving you the right answer?

Oh, don't be silly, Father.

You expect me to
be happy and smiling

when I've just been
stabbed in the back?

You weren't stabbed in the back.

That pain you feel
is your conscience

trying to tell you you
behave like a spoiled child.

You want to cure it?

Just admit to
yourself that Milly,

the unsophisticated girl from
the ragged edge of the corn belt,

can teach you something.

Like the use of crude
flattery, pawing men?

No. Like honesty

and a genuine interest in
someone other than yourself.

Always remember,

in this life, you can learn
something from everyone you meet.

[scoffs] Well, if I
have to be taught

by some little clod from the...

Excuse me.

I was told always
to speak my mind

as long as it didn't
hurt anybody.

I guess that's
wrong to city people.

I'm sorry, Betty.

Whatever I did to
turn you against me,

I didn't mean it.

I don't blame you for
being angry with me.

You had privacy... this
beautiful room all to yourself,

and then I barged in.

It wasn't your idea.
You didn't invite me.

And the worst thing about it

is that I wanted you to like
me more than anyone else.

[sniffles]

- Oh, Betty.
- Oh, Milly, I'm sorry.

I hate myself.

How are things
between Betty and Milly?

I don't know. They haven't come out
of Betty's room since this afternoon.

What am I supposed
to do with these?

A guy from the flower
shop just brought them.

Corsages for Milly and Betty.

Oh, I hope they can use them.

The boys will be
here any minute.

- I'll watch for them.
- Hi.

Well, aren't you a vision?

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Ladies and gentlemen
and fellow Andersons,

it is my pleasure to present

the most beautiful
country girl in the world,

the pride of Gurnee,
Miss Millicent Anderson!

- Oh!
- Well!

- [Jim] Isn't that lovely?
- [Margaret] Doesn't she look wonderful?

- [Kathy] Oh, Milly, you're gorgeous!
- Beautiful!

- [wolf whistle]
- Milly, you look lovely.

Betty did it. It
was all her idea.

[horn honking]

Oh, the boys are here!

- Oh, hurry up, girls.
- Oh. Well, here we go.

- Come on.
- Oh, girls,
have a wonderful time.

- Come on.
- And don't stay out too late.

- Oh, don't forget
your corsages.
- Oh, here.

Two more beautiful girls
Springfield has never seen.

How'd you get so
pretty all of a sudden?

That's a fine question.

Well, the answer's very simple.

You learn something
from everyone you meet.

Yes.

Don't we, though?

[horn honking]

- Come on. We have to go.
- Goodbye.

- Have fun.
- See you. Bye.

- [sighs]
- Women.

Everything's always
a big production.

Oh.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA