Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 3, Episode 4 - Man About Town - full transcript
Bud's friend has a cousin coming to town. Marissa is older than Bud, but he wants to go out with her. He pretends to be older so he seems more sophisticated. When Marissa wants to go to a fancy restaurant, Bud does not have enough money.
♪ ♪
Narrator: ROBERT YOUNG
AND JANE WYATT.
[laughter]
WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...
IN FATHER KNOWS BEST.
OKAY. SO PAY ME BACK
HALF THE $3 YOU OWE ME.
BUD, I KEEP TELLING YOU,
I HAVEN'T GOT THAT
KIND OF MONEY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I
AM, RICH OR SOMETHING?
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T BORROW
MONEY IF YOU CAN'T PAY IT BACK.
I TELL YOU WHAT I WILL DO.
WHAT?
IF YOU'LL LOAN ME
2 MORE DOLLARS,
THAT MEANS I'LL OWE YOU 5.
AND IF I OWE YOU 5, I
CAN PAY YOU BACK EASIER.
I HAVE A FEELING THAT
DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE.
LOOK, BUD, I GOTTA
HAVE 2 MORE DOLLARS.
MARISSA IS COMING AND
SPENDING THE WEEKEND WITH US
AND I GOTTA BRING
HER SOME FLOWERS.
MARISSA, WHO'S SHE?
MY COUSIN.
I HAVE TO PICK HER UP
THE STATION TOMORROW.
HEY! HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE A DATE WITH HER?
NO, THANKS. NO
BLIND DATES FOR ME.
OH, WELL, YOU
PROBABLY WOULDN'T LIKE
HAVING A DATE WITH THE
BEAUTY CONTEST WINNER ANYWAY.
HEY, WAIT, YOU GOT A COUSIN
WHO WON A BEAUTY CONTEST?
YEAH, BUT YOU WOULDN'T LIKE HER.
GEE!
SOME PRETTIEST THING I'VE
EVER SEEN OUTSIDE THE MOVIES.
OH, SHE'S ALL RIGHT IF
YOU LIKE BRUNETTES...
WITH BLUE EYES... AND DIMPLES.
OH, WELL, I GOTTA
BE GOING. SO LONG.
SAY, KIPPY, I WOULDN'T MIND
TAKING YOUR COUSIN OUT.
HONEST, I WOULDN'T.
WELL, A GIRL LIKE MARISSA CAN
GET A MILLION GUYS, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, BUT NOT LIKE ME.
I'M KIND OF A NOVELTY.
NO.
WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.
IF YOU CAN GET ME A DATE
WITH HER, I'LL LOAN YOU THE $2.
WILL YOU CANCEL THE
3 BUCKS I OWE YOU?
ARE YOU SURE SHE
LOOKS LIKE THAT PICTURE?
BETTER.
IT'S A DEAL.
WHEN CAN I SEE HER?
I BETTER FIGURE OUT A WAY
FOR YOU TO SEE HER
WITHOUT HER SEEING YOU.
WHY?
WELL, YOU DON'T WANNA
RUIN EVERYTHING, DO YOU?
NO. OKAY.
SO JUST LEAVE IT UP
TO YOUR UNCLE KIPPY.
[canned laughter]
[comical music]
[classical music]
♪ ♪
WELL, HERE WE ARE, MARISSA.
GEE, I'M SO ANXIOUS TO SEE
YOUR FOLKS AGAIN, KIPPY.
IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME.
MOM IS HAVING
CHICKEN FOR DINNER.
SHE'S EVEN USING THE
GOOD SILVER TONIGHT.
OH! I'M NOT COMPANY,
I'M PART OF THE FAMILY.
YEAH. [chuckles]
I KNOW. [whistling]
THAT REMINDS ME, MARISSA.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE
TO GO OUT TOMORROW NIGHT,
SO, UH, I LINED
YOU UP WITH A DATE.
OH! WELL, THAT WAS VERY
THOUGHTFUL OF YOU, KIPPY.
A FRIEND OF MINE,
A REAL SWELL GUY.
WELL, I'M SURE IF HE'S
A FRIEND OF YOURS,
HE MUST BE ALL RIGHT.
[chuckles]
♪ ♪
[canned laughter]
MARGARET, DID YOU
SEE THIS LETTER FROM...
OH, HELLO, SON.
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR DINNER.
HI, BUD.
[canned laughter]
ISN'T THAT SOMEONE WE KNOW?
WELL, HE CAN'T BE.
WENT RIGHT THROUGH THE KITCHEN
WITHOUT CHECKING
THE REFRIGERATOR.
I THOUGHT HE WAS SLEEPWALKING.
HE HAD HIS EYES OPEN.
MAYBE HE'S SICK.
WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT, KIP,
IS HOW YOU CAN HAVE
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL RELATIVE.
[canned laughter]
UH, JUST A MINUTE, I SEEMED
TO BE ON A PARTY LINE.
[canned laughter]
[canned laughter]
OKAY, KIP. THE
LINE'S CLEAR AGAIN.
YOU DID?
WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?
WELL, I... I TOLD YOU WERE
CHARMING AND DASHING,
AND JUST ABOUT... ANYTHING
THAT CAME INTO MY HEAD.
[canned laughter]
BUD, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
15!
[sighs]
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN LOOK 19?
19? YOU GOT HOLES IN YOUR HEAD?
WHY DO I HAVE TO LOOK 19?
'CAUSE SHE WON'T GO OUT
WITH ANYBODY UNDER THAT.
WHY?
'CAUSE SHE'S A FEW MONTHS
OLDER THAN I REMEMBERED.
OH, ABOUT 48 OR 60 MONTHS OLDER.
[canned laughter]
BUD, UH... HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5'7"?
[sighs]
YOU THINK YOU COULD
LOOK 6 FEET FOR ONE NIGHT?
SIX FEET!
[canned laughter]
SHE JUST SAID SHE LIKED
TALL MEN, THAT'S WHY.
I'M JUST TRYING TO TIP YOU OFF.
BUT HOW AM I GONNA
STRETCH 5 FEET INTO 6...
[canned laughter]
AND AGE FOUR YEARS OVERNIGHT?
YEAH?
WELL, SURE.
I'LL TRY ANYTHING.
OKAY. I... I'LL MEET YOU OVER
AT SCHOOL IN TEN MINUTES.
SO LONG.
[phone clanking]
SAY, BETTY, HOW OLD
DO YOU THINK I LOOK?
I THINK YOU LOOK JUST
ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE, 15.
OH, FINE.
OH, WHAT'S THE BIG PROBLEM?
IF YOU WERE A GIRL NEAR
18, AND I WAS A BOY NEAR 16,
WOULD YOU GO OUT
WITH ME IF I ASK YOU?
OH, REALLY, BUD.
I'M NOT SO HARD UP
THAT I HAVE TO GO OUT
WITH MY KID BROTHER.
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT, STUPID.
I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT
HOW OLDER GIRLS FEEL ABOUT
GOING OUT WITH YOUNGER MEN.
HE ASKED YOU A FAIR
QUESTION, BETTY, ANSWER HIM.
YOU MEAN IF A BOY NEAR
16 ASKED ME FOR A DATE,
WOULD I GO OUT WITH HIM?
NEVER MIND. [sighs]
WELL, IF HE WAS RICH,
HANDSOME, AND HAD A TITLE,
I MIGHT CONSIDER IT,
PROVIDING HE BROUGHT
ALONG HIS BABYSITTER.
[canned laughter]
OH, YEAH?
WELL, YOU JUST CHECK
WITH ME TOMORROW NIGHT
AND SEE WHAT KIND OF
OLDER GIRLS GO FOR ME.
I GOT TO GO OVER TO SCHOOL, DAD.
I'LL BE BACK IN TIME FOR DINNER.
SCHOOL THIS TIME OF DAY?
YEAH.
KIPPY AND I GOT TO
FIGURE OUT A WAY
TO AGE ME FOUR
YEARS IN 24 HOURS.
[canned laughter]
[comical music]
♪ ♪
DOESN'T IT DO
ANYTHING FOR ME, KIP?
SURE.
BUT NOT WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND.
MAYBE IF I WEAR A MASK.
[canned laughter]
MARISSA, MY DARLING, MY
GALLANT STEED WAITS WITH US.
LET ME SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET
AND CARRY YOU OFF BEYOND CASTLE.
[laughing wickedly]
SAY THE SECRET
WORD AND I'M YOURS.
[grunts]
AH-HA-HA-HA!
CUT IT OUT, WILL YOU,
KIPPY? THIS IS SERIOUS.
OKAY. HEY!
HOW ABOUT THIS?
[canned laughter]
I WANNA IMPRESS
HER, NOT SCARE HER.
[canned laughter]
[fingers snap] I KNOW.
HOW ABOUT GRAY HAIR?
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
WOMEN ALWAYS GO FOR THAT
PREMATURE GRAY HAIR STUFF.
OH, GREAT.
THE FINAL TOUCH.
WELL, I DON'T WANNA OVERDO IT.
SHE MIGHT THINK I'M MY FATHER.
[canned laughter]
HEY, THAT LOOKS GOOD.
ANDERSON, YOU'RE A LIVING DOLL.
N... NOW, TO MAKE
YOU 6 FEET TALL.
HOW? OH, IT'S SIMPLE, MAN.
SIMPLE!
[comical music]
[canned laughter]
MOM.
BUD, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I HAD SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT
THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF.
OH, I TRIED TO KEEP
YOUR DINNER WARM.
HERE, I'LL GET THAT FOR YOU.
BUT IT'S NOT GONNA
TASTE VERY GOOD.
BUD!
WHAT IS IT, MOM?
MY GOODNESS, BUT
YOU'RE GETTING TALL.
I AM?
WHY DIDN'T I HAVE
NOTICED IT BEFORE?
OH, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, MOM.
ONE DAY, YOU HAVE
A BOY FOR A SON,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE'S A MAN.
[canned laughter] LET ME SEE.
GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
WELL, UH, I GUESS I'LL EAT.
UM, AFTER YOU.
[canned laughter]
[sighs]
HI, DAD. HELLO, SON.
UH, YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
UNUSUAL ABOUT ME?
UH-HUH, YOU'RE LATE FOR DINNER.
THAT'S UNUSUAL.
BUT, JIM, DO YOU REALIZE
THAT BUD IS ALMOST
AS TALL AS YOU ARE?
SURE, IF HE STANDS IN A BOX.
[canned laughter]
YOU DON'T REALIZE IT, JIM,
BUT, UH, BUD IS GETTING OLDER.
ISN'T HE SUPPOSED TO?
WELL, NOT OVER NIGHT.
WELL, BEFORE WE KNOW IT,
BETTY WILL BE GETTING MARRIED,
THEN BUD, EVEN KATHY.
WE'RE OUT TO BE
GRANDPARENTS IN NO TIME.
[chuckles] THE RATE YOU'RE
AGING THEM, WE WILL BE.
I SUDDENLY FEEL VERY OLD.
WOULD YOU MIND PASSING
THE SUGAR, GRANDMA?
[canned laughter]
BUD, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOUR HAIR?
OH, I DON'T KNOW, MOM.
FEW GRAY HAIRS, I GUESS.
I NOTICED THEM THIS
MORNING SHAVING.
JIM, BUD'S GOT GRAY HAIR.
WELL, THERE'S ONE NICE THING
ABOUT THIS KIND OF
GRAY HAIR, MARGARET.
IT RUBS OFF.
BUD.
DAD, WHY DO YOU
HAVE TO GIVE ME AWAY?
YOUR MOTHER WILL
BEGIN TO GROW OLD, TOO.
BUD, STAND UP.
OKAY.
[canned laughter]
HEY, WHERE DID YOU
GET THESE SHOES?
BUILDING STILTS?
THEY'RE SHOE LIFTS, THE
KIND THEY USE IN THE MOVIES.
THEY MAKE ME 4 INCHES TALLER.
WHY DO YOU WANT
TO BE 4 INCHES TALLER?
BECAUSE I'M GOING OUT WITH
A GIRL AND SHE LIKES TALL MEN.
WOULDN'T IT BE EASIER FOR
YOU IF YOU FIND A SHORTER GIRL?
THIS GIRL IS WORTH
SUFFERING FOR.
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
THAT BOTHERS ME, THOUGH.
WHAT'S THAT, BUD?
WELL, I CAN PUT GRAY ON MY
HAIR TO MAKE ME LOOK OLDER,
AND I CAN PUT LIFTS IN MY
SHOES TO MAKE ME TALLER,
BUT WHAT AM I GONNA DO
FOR THAT CHARM AND DASH
I HAVE TO HAVE BY
TOMORROW NIGHT?
THAT'S YOUR FATHER'S DEPARTMENT.
HE'S AN AUTHORITY.
THIS MUST BE QUITE A GIRL, BUD,
TO MAKE YOU GO TO
SO MUCH TROUBLE.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW
IF THERE'S ANYTHING
TO THIS REINCARNATION
STUFF OR NOT, BUT IF THERE IS,
THIS GIRL IS A HELEN OF TROY
AND CLEOPATRA ROLLED INTO ONE.
[canned laughter]
IT'S FOR YOU, SMALL CHANGE.
SMALL CHANGE?
HUH!
[canned laughter]
OH, WHAT GOES WITH HIM?
I THINK HE HAS GROWING PAINS.
[canned laughter]
GEE, THAT'S SWELL, KIPPY.
WHEN CAN I MEET MARISSA?
NOW?
OVER THE PHONE?
SURE, I GUESS IT IS SAFEST.
OKAY, PUT HER ON.
W-WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
OKAY. I'M READY.
WELL, IT'S AWFULLY
NICE MEETING YOU, BUD.
KIPPY HAS TOLD ME SUCH
WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT YOU.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT WOULD I LIKE TO DO?
WELL, IT REALLY DOESN'T
MATTER, WHATEVER YOU SUGGEST.
OH, GO AHEAD,
MARISSA. YOU NAME IT.
THE SKY IS THE LIMIT.
[canned laughter]
WHERE?
A NIGHTCLUB?
OH, SURE, I'VE HEARD
OF THE TOP HAT.
I GO THERE ALL THE TIME.
WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE
IT'S GOING TO BE A
WONDERFUL EVENING, BUD.
I'LL BE READY ABOUT 8 O'CLOCK.
FINE.
BYE.
KIPPY, HOW OLD DID
YOU SAY YOUR FRIEND IS?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY,
BUT HE'S PREMATURELY GRAY.
BUT DON'T WORRY, HE'S
NOT TOO OLD FOR YOU.
[canned laughter]
WHAT'S THE MATTER, SON?
IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TOOK
THE LIFTS OUT OF YOUR SHOES.
THE LIFTS AREN'T
GONNA HELP ME NOW.
OH, WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
GETTING ANY OLDER EITHER.
I JUST AGED 50 YEARS.
[canned laughter]
DID SHE TURN YOU DOWN?
NO, I ASKED HER WHAT SHE
WANTED TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT
AND SHE TOLD ME.
[chuckles] WHAT DID YOU
EXPECT HER TO SAY?
I EXPECT HER TO
LEAVE IT UP TO ME,
SO I COULD SUGGEST A MOVIE.
AND INSTEAD OF THAT, SHE
WANTS TO GO TO THE TOP HAT.
DAD, I CAN'T AFFORD
TO GO TO A NIGHTCLUB.
WELL, IF THAT'S ALL
THAT'S BOTHERING YOU,
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS.
YOU CAN'T GET INTO A NIGHTCLUB.
YOU'RE UNDERAGE.
YEAH?
WELL, OF COURSE, YOU
HAVE TO BE AT LEAST 18.
OH, GEE, THAT'S GREAT.
HOW AM I GOING TO
EXPLAIN TO MARISSA
THAT I CAN'T TAKE HER TO A
NIGHTCLUB BECAUSE I'M UNDERAGE.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE 19.
[canned laughter]
BUD, OLD MAN, [sighs]
I THINK YOU'RE GOING
TO NEED A MAGICIAN
TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS MESS.
[canned laughter]
[knocking]
BUD?
WHAT... WHAT IS IT, DAD?
YOUR MOTHER AND I JUST
HAD AN IDEA HOW TO HELP YOU.
IT WILL TAKE THE UNITED NATIONS
TO HELP ME OUT OF THIS MESS.
[canned laughter]
WELL, IF WE WERE TO GO WITH YOU,
YOU COULD GET INTO THE
NIGHTCLUB WITHOUT ANY QUESTION.
OH, THAT'S JUST DANDY.
I GO OVER AND PICK UP, MARISSA.
AND RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF
BEING CHARMING AND DASHING,
I HAVE TO STOP AND
INTRODUCE MY MOM AND DAD.
[canned laughter]
AND THEN WE GET
TO THE NIGHTCLUB.
THE WAITER WILL PAT
ME ON THE HEAD AND ASK,
"WHOSE LITTLE BOY ARE YOU?"
[canned laughter]
IT WAS A NICE TRY,
DAD, BUT NO THANKS.
AND YOU FORGOT ONE THING, BUD.
PROBABLY HE'S, UM,
PATTING YOU ON THE HEAD,
HE'LL BE HANDING
ME THE CHECK, HUH?
[canned laughter]
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
BESIDES, YOUR MOTHER
AND I AREN'T SO OLD.
WE STILL CAN BE
PRETTY GOOD COMPANY.
WE COULD SORT OF
DOUBLE DATE, COULDN'T WE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND YOU'D PICK UP THE CHECK.
[canned laughter]
I THINK THE BANK ACCOUNT
CAN STAND ONE EVENING OF.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DAD?
I THINK EVERYTHING IS
GOING TO WORK OUT FINE...
JUST FINE.
[canned laughter]
THAT'S RIGHT, ANDRE,
DINNER FOR FOUR.
OH, UH, DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?
IT'S MY SON'S FIRST NIGHTCLUB.
HE HAS A DATE HE'S
PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT.
[chuckles] UH-HUH.
THAT'S RIGHT, ANDRE.
GIVE HIM A GOOD TABLE.
MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD.
BYE. WHERE'S BUD?
I SENT HIM UPSTAIRS TO TAKE
THE RENTAL TAG OFF HIS TUX.
OH!
YOU KNOW, JIM, I THINK IT'S FUN
DOUBLE-DATING WITH OUR SON.
IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL
A LITTLE OLD, GRANDMA?
NO, JUST THE OPPOSITE.
IT MAKES ME FEEL YOUNG.
[laughs]
HI, PRINCESS, HOW WAS
THE SORORITY MEETING?
OH, JUST FINE.
BUT YOU'LL NEVER
GUESS WHO WAS THERE?
ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
NO, BUD'S DATE.
HMM? REALLY, BETTY?
OH, SHE'S JUST BEAUTIFUL.
AND OBVIOUSLY
SHE'S NEVER SEEN BUD
BECAUSE WHEN SHE FOUND
THAT I WAS HIS SISTER,
SHE ASKED ME ALL ABOUT HIM.
BUT YOU DIDN'T GIVE
HIM AWAY, DID YOU?
NO, BUT I NEARLY
FLIPPED WHEN SHE SAID
SHE'D HEARD HE WAS THE
CASANOVA OF SPRINGFIELD.
[canned laughter]
SHE COULD HAVE A
WORSE DATE THAN BUD.
NAME ONE.
[canned laughter]
UM, TAKE A LITTLE TIME, BUT I'M
SURE THERE MUST BE SOMEONE.
[door slams]
[canned laughter]
[canned laughter]
HELLO, MITA, PITA,
AND LITTLE SISTER.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY
GONNA WEAR THOSE THINGS
ON YOUR SHOES TONIGHT, ARE YOU?
HOW ELSE CAN I BE 6 FEET TALL?
TAKE A HIGH CHAIR ALONG.
BETTY.
WHAT'S THAT UNDER YOUR NOSE?
MY MOUTH, PROBABLY.
A MUSTACHE.
MARISSA WILL TAKE ONE
LOOK AT THAT FAKE MOUSTACHE
AND TELL YOU TO GO
HOME AND WASH YOUR FACE.
BUD, TAKE IT OFF.
YOU'LL FEEL PRETTY SILLY IF
THAT DROPS OFF INTO YOUR SOUP.
[canned laughter]
OH, YOU LOOK BRIGHT AND
HANDSOME WITHOUT IT, BUD.
I DO?
OH, LET ME SEE IT, BUD?
HOW DO I LOOK?
OH, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
DO I LOOK TALL?
FROM WHERE I AM,
EVERYBODY LOOKS TALL.
[canned laughter]
GOOD NIGHT, ANGEL.
GOOD NIGHT, MOMMY.
DON'T FORGET TO SAY
YOUR PRAYERS FOR BETTY.
I WON'T. COME ON,
JIM, WE'LL BE LATE.
ALL RIGHT. HERE, BUD.
OH, BUD.
YEAH?
CONSIDERING WHAT YOU HAVE
TO WORK WITH, YOU DO LOOK NICE.
THANKS, SIS.
[canned laughter]
HOW DO YOU FEEL, SON?
FINE.
YOU'RE NOT NERVOUS, ARE YOU?
NO.
UGH! OH!
DID YOU FALL? SHH!
I'M OKAY.
TAKE IT EASY, SON.
S0, DAD, I, UH, THERE'S
SOMETHING YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.
WHAT'S THAT?
[buzzing] I, UH, I
DIDN'T TELL MARISSA
THAT YOU'RE MY
MOTHER AND FATHER.
WHAT?
I JUST COULDN'T, MOM.
I-I TOLD HER THAT YOU
WERE OLD FRIENDS OF MINE.
BUD ANDERSON,
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
WELL, YOU CAN BE
ENGAGED IF YOU WANT TO.
[canned laughter]
THANKS A LOT.
[canned laughter]
[romantic music]
♪ ♪
PLEASE COME IN.
♪ ♪
YOU, UH, MUST BE MARISSA.
AND YOU MUST BE BUD.
KIPPY TOLD ME THAT YOU
WERE TALL AND HANDSOME.
HE CERTAINLY DIDN'T
EXAGGERATE. [canned laughter]
THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU,
MARISSA, BUT I'M NOT BUD.
I'M BUD.
[canned laughter]
AND I'M MARGARET.
MARGARET TAYLOR. OH.
WE'RE OLD FRIENDS OF BUD'S.
OLD, OLD FRIENDS.
THIS IS JIM ANDERSON.
ANDERSON?
YES, I... I'M ALSO A RELATIVE.
VERY DISTANT, THOUGH.
YEAH, HE'S, UH, OLD RELATIVE.
VERY OLD.
[canned laughter]
WELL, I THINK YOUR
FRIENDS ARE VERY NICE, BUD.
I'M SURE WERE GOING TO
HAVE A WONDERFUL EVENING.
GEE.
I'LL GET MY WRAP.
BUD HAS GOOD TASTE.
HASN'T HE?
[canned laughter]
IS THIS TABLE SATISFACTORY,
MONSIEUR ANDERSON?
YEAH, THIS IS FINE.
BUD, UH.
UH, YOU MUST KNOW
THE RIGHT PEOPLE
TO GET A RINGSIDE TABLE HERE.
AND ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE, TOO.
[chuckles] WELL, UH...
THIS IS A FAVORITE SPOT OF MINE.
I COME HERE A LOT.
THEY MUST KNOW ME
BY NOW. OH! [chuckles]
YOU WISH TO ORDER NOW, MONSIEUR?
IT CAN TAKE ALL NIGHT
TO READ THIS MENU.
YOU MAY TAKE ALL
OF THE TIME YOU WISH.
THEY MUST BE TRYING TO SAVE
ELECTRICITY OR SOMETHING.
I CAN'T SEE A THING.
OH-OH, HERE... HERE,
BUD, I HAVE JUST THE THING.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
BUD, UH...
[canned laughter]
BUD? YEAH, DAD?
DADDY-O?
I ALWAYS CALL HIM THAT.
DADDY-O, THE LATEST
HIP EXPRESSION.
YES, I KNOW.
OH, WOULD YOU CARE
TO DANCE WITH ME?
OH, I... I'D LOVE TO.
EXCUSE US.
SURE.
I, UH, WOULD HAVE
ASKED YOU TO DANCE.
I'M HAVING A LITTLE
TROUBLE WITH MY FEET.
OH, WELL, NOTHING
SERIOUS, I HOPE.
NO, IT'S NOTHING I CAN'T
GET RID OF ANYTIME.
[canned laughter]
OH. WELL, I'M GLAD OF THAT.
DO YOU WISH TO
ORDER NOW, MONSIEUR?
WAIT, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
UH, HOW'S YOUR STEAK TONIGHT?
MAY I RECOMMEND
THE CHATEAUBRIAND?
WHY, ARE YOU ALL OUT OF STEAK?
NO, I REMEMBER WE HAVE
SOME VERY BEAUTIFUL
NEW YORK CUT STEAKS.
8$ FOR ONE STEAK?
OUI, MONSIEUR, BUT POTATOES
GO WITH THAT IF YOU LIKE.
OH, WELL, BUD, IF YOU'RE
ORDERING THAT FOR ME,
THAT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.
BESIDES, I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.
WELL, I SORT OF LOSS
MY APPETITE TOO.
[canned laughter] HAVEN'T
YOU GOT ANYTHING ELSE?
OF COURSE, WE HAVE
MANY SELECTIONS.
WHAT ABOUT SOME
HAMBURGERS FROM SPRINGFIELD?
OF COURSE, WE HAVE THAT, TOO.
SALISBURY DELUXE.
A FANCY NAME FOR HAMBURGER.
OH, WELL, THAT WILL BE FINE.
UH, BRING US FOUR
SALISBURYS, HAMBURGERS.
POOR BUD.
I'M AFRAID HE ISN'T FOOLING
MARISSA FOR ONE MINUTE.
I JUST HOPE THAT NOTHING
HAPPENS TOO EMBARRASSING.
I LIKE THIS GIRL, MARGARET,
SHE'S A THOROUGHBRED.
I'M ALMOST SORRY THAT BUD
ISN'T OLD ENOUGH FOR HER.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
NEVER MIND, DADDY-O.
[canned laughter]
[applause]
[drum rolls]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT'S MY PLEASURE
TO INTRODUCE TO YOU
FOR THIS EVENING'S
ENTERTAINMENT,
THE GREAT MERADO.
[musical instruments
play] [applause]
[soft music]
♪ ♪
[applause]
♪ ♪
[applause]
♪ ♪
[applause] YEAH.
[applause]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
AND, NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I SHOULD LIKE TO GIVE A
DEMONSTRATION IN THE...
OH.
[laughs]
[applause]
I SHOULD LIKE TO
GIVE A DEMONSTRATION
OF THE REMARKABLE
POWERS OF MIND READING.
BUT FIRST I MUST HAVE A LITTLE
ASSISTANCE FROM THE AUDIENCE.
[indistinct chattering]
UH, THERE'S A NICE LOOKING
YOUNG MAN RIGHT THERE.
[canned laughter]
HE MUST HAVE MEANT YOU, JIM.
OH, NOT ME, YOU, BUD.
ME? MM-HMM.
GO ON, BUD, IT SOUNDS EXCITING.
I DON'T WANT MY MIND READ.
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE STUCK, BUD.
WELL, THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.
[canned laughter]
UH, THERE WE ARE YOUNG MAN.
JUST SIT RIGHT DOWN AND
MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.
I WAS COMFORTABLE
RIGHT... NO, NO. I WAS JUST...
[canned laughter]
NOW, THEN, UH, HAVE YOU
EVER SEEN ME BEFORE?
NO, SIR.
HAVE I EVER SEEN YOU BEFORE?
I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE NOT.
IT'S BEEN NICE KNOWING
YOU, I GOT TO GO.
[canned laughter] JUST A MOMENT,
JUST A MOMENT,
YOUNG MAN. [chuckles]
SIT RIGHT DOWN, I
HAVE JUST BEGUN.
NOW, THEN, UH, I HAVE
NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE,
YET I CAN TELL
YOU... [canned laughter]
MANY, MANY THINGS
ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, I'LL TAKE
YOUR WORD FOR IT.
[canned laughter]
I'VE JUST BEGUN, JUST
RELAX, SIT QUIETLY.
NOW, THEN, I SEE A
HOME, IT'S YOUR HOME.
IT'S A BIG, BEAUTIFUL WHITE
HOUSE ON MAPLE STREET, RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT, CAN I GO NOW? NAH.
[canned laughter]
[INDISCERNIBLE]
AND I SEE A FAMILY.
YOU HAVE-YOU HAVE, UH,
A LITTLE SISTER BY THE
NAME OF, UH, KATHY-KATHY,
AND AN OLDER SISTER
BY THE NAME OF BETTY.
AND YOUR PARENTS ARE, UH, UM,
MARGARET AND JIM
ANDERSON, IS THAT RIGHT?
[canned laughter]
AND, UH, YOUR NAME
SON... YOUR NAME IS, UH...
JAMES JUNIOR, BUT
YOU HAVE A NICKNAME.
UH, YOU ARE KNOWN AS, UH,
BUD, BY YOUR MANY FRIENDS.
YOU ARE A, UH,
SOPHOMORE AT HIGH SCHOOL,
AND YOUR AGE IS 15.
[canned laughter]
[APPLAUSE]
THERE YOU ARE, YOUNG MAN.
NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE GREAT MERADO?
YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD, SIR.
YEAH.
I GUESS NOBODY CARED TO RUIN
ME ANY BETTER THAN YOU JUST DID.
[canned laughter]
[applause]
[crickets chirping]
[romantic music]
♪ ♪
GOOD NIGHT, BUD.
THANKS, AGAIN, FOR
A LOVELY EVENING.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME,
WHAT A DOPE YOU THINK I AM?
I GOT IT COMING TO ME.
BECAUSE I DON'T
THINK YOU ARE A DOPE.
ANYBODY WHO TRIES TO
BE 19, WHEN THEY'RE ONLY 15,
AND 6 FOOT TALL, WHEN
THEY'RE ONLY 5'7" IS A DOPE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU
FIRST CAME TO PICK ME UP,
I KNEW YOU WEREN'T 19.
YOU MEAN, I DIDN'T
FOOL YOU AT ALL?
NO.
WHY'D YOU EVEN BOTHER WITH ME?
WELL, ANYONE WHO
WENT TO THE TROUBLE
THAT YOU DID TO IMPRESS ME
MUST HAVE A LOT OF IMAGINATION.
[canned laughter]
YEAH?
AND NOT ONLY THAT, I
LIKE YOUR... RELATIVES.
[canned laughter]
YEAH, WELL, THEY
ARE SORT OF NICE.
WELL, UH... SO LONG, MARISSA.
♪ ♪
GOOD NIGHT, BUD.
AND THANKS AGAIN FOR THE MOST...
UNUSUAL EVENING I'VE EVER HAD.
[canned laughter]
♪ ♪
[door closes]
♪ ♪
[jolly music]
♪ ♪
[canned laughter]
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SON?
GREAT, DAD. JUST GREAT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING,
IF I'M THIS CHARMING AT 15,
JUST THINK WHAT
I'LL BE LIKE AT 19.
[canned laughter]
GET IN, CASANOVA.
[canned laughter]
[applause]
Narrator: ROBERT YOUNG
AND JANE WYATT.
[laughter]
WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...
IN FATHER KNOWS BEST.
OKAY. SO PAY ME BACK
HALF THE $3 YOU OWE ME.
BUD, I KEEP TELLING YOU,
I HAVEN'T GOT THAT
KIND OF MONEY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I
AM, RICH OR SOMETHING?
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T BORROW
MONEY IF YOU CAN'T PAY IT BACK.
I TELL YOU WHAT I WILL DO.
WHAT?
IF YOU'LL LOAN ME
2 MORE DOLLARS,
THAT MEANS I'LL OWE YOU 5.
AND IF I OWE YOU 5, I
CAN PAY YOU BACK EASIER.
I HAVE A FEELING THAT
DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE.
LOOK, BUD, I GOTTA
HAVE 2 MORE DOLLARS.
MARISSA IS COMING AND
SPENDING THE WEEKEND WITH US
AND I GOTTA BRING
HER SOME FLOWERS.
MARISSA, WHO'S SHE?
MY COUSIN.
I HAVE TO PICK HER UP
THE STATION TOMORROW.
HEY! HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE A DATE WITH HER?
NO, THANKS. NO
BLIND DATES FOR ME.
OH, WELL, YOU
PROBABLY WOULDN'T LIKE
HAVING A DATE WITH THE
BEAUTY CONTEST WINNER ANYWAY.
HEY, WAIT, YOU GOT A COUSIN
WHO WON A BEAUTY CONTEST?
YEAH, BUT YOU WOULDN'T LIKE HER.
GEE!
SOME PRETTIEST THING I'VE
EVER SEEN OUTSIDE THE MOVIES.
OH, SHE'S ALL RIGHT IF
YOU LIKE BRUNETTES...
WITH BLUE EYES... AND DIMPLES.
OH, WELL, I GOTTA
BE GOING. SO LONG.
SAY, KIPPY, I WOULDN'T MIND
TAKING YOUR COUSIN OUT.
HONEST, I WOULDN'T.
WELL, A GIRL LIKE MARISSA CAN
GET A MILLION GUYS, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, BUT NOT LIKE ME.
I'M KIND OF A NOVELTY.
NO.
WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO.
IF YOU CAN GET ME A DATE
WITH HER, I'LL LOAN YOU THE $2.
WILL YOU CANCEL THE
3 BUCKS I OWE YOU?
ARE YOU SURE SHE
LOOKS LIKE THAT PICTURE?
BETTER.
IT'S A DEAL.
WHEN CAN I SEE HER?
I BETTER FIGURE OUT A WAY
FOR YOU TO SEE HER
WITHOUT HER SEEING YOU.
WHY?
WELL, YOU DON'T WANNA
RUIN EVERYTHING, DO YOU?
NO. OKAY.
SO JUST LEAVE IT UP
TO YOUR UNCLE KIPPY.
[canned laughter]
[comical music]
[classical music]
♪ ♪
WELL, HERE WE ARE, MARISSA.
GEE, I'M SO ANXIOUS TO SEE
YOUR FOLKS AGAIN, KIPPY.
IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME.
MOM IS HAVING
CHICKEN FOR DINNER.
SHE'S EVEN USING THE
GOOD SILVER TONIGHT.
OH! I'M NOT COMPANY,
I'M PART OF THE FAMILY.
YEAH. [chuckles]
I KNOW. [whistling]
THAT REMINDS ME, MARISSA.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE
TO GO OUT TOMORROW NIGHT,
SO, UH, I LINED
YOU UP WITH A DATE.
OH! WELL, THAT WAS VERY
THOUGHTFUL OF YOU, KIPPY.
A FRIEND OF MINE,
A REAL SWELL GUY.
WELL, I'M SURE IF HE'S
A FRIEND OF YOURS,
HE MUST BE ALL RIGHT.
[chuckles]
♪ ♪
[canned laughter]
MARGARET, DID YOU
SEE THIS LETTER FROM...
OH, HELLO, SON.
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR DINNER.
HI, BUD.
[canned laughter]
ISN'T THAT SOMEONE WE KNOW?
WELL, HE CAN'T BE.
WENT RIGHT THROUGH THE KITCHEN
WITHOUT CHECKING
THE REFRIGERATOR.
I THOUGHT HE WAS SLEEPWALKING.
HE HAD HIS EYES OPEN.
MAYBE HE'S SICK.
WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT, KIP,
IS HOW YOU CAN HAVE
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL RELATIVE.
[canned laughter]
UH, JUST A MINUTE, I SEEMED
TO BE ON A PARTY LINE.
[canned laughter]
[canned laughter]
OKAY, KIP. THE
LINE'S CLEAR AGAIN.
YOU DID?
WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?
WELL, I... I TOLD YOU WERE
CHARMING AND DASHING,
AND JUST ABOUT... ANYTHING
THAT CAME INTO MY HEAD.
[canned laughter]
BUD, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
15!
[sighs]
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN LOOK 19?
19? YOU GOT HOLES IN YOUR HEAD?
WHY DO I HAVE TO LOOK 19?
'CAUSE SHE WON'T GO OUT
WITH ANYBODY UNDER THAT.
WHY?
'CAUSE SHE'S A FEW MONTHS
OLDER THAN I REMEMBERED.
OH, ABOUT 48 OR 60 MONTHS OLDER.
[canned laughter]
BUD, UH... HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5'7"?
[sighs]
YOU THINK YOU COULD
LOOK 6 FEET FOR ONE NIGHT?
SIX FEET!
[canned laughter]
SHE JUST SAID SHE LIKED
TALL MEN, THAT'S WHY.
I'M JUST TRYING TO TIP YOU OFF.
BUT HOW AM I GONNA
STRETCH 5 FEET INTO 6...
[canned laughter]
AND AGE FOUR YEARS OVERNIGHT?
YEAH?
WELL, SURE.
I'LL TRY ANYTHING.
OKAY. I... I'LL MEET YOU OVER
AT SCHOOL IN TEN MINUTES.
SO LONG.
[phone clanking]
SAY, BETTY, HOW OLD
DO YOU THINK I LOOK?
I THINK YOU LOOK JUST
ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE, 15.
OH, FINE.
OH, WHAT'S THE BIG PROBLEM?
IF YOU WERE A GIRL NEAR
18, AND I WAS A BOY NEAR 16,
WOULD YOU GO OUT
WITH ME IF I ASK YOU?
OH, REALLY, BUD.
I'M NOT SO HARD UP
THAT I HAVE TO GO OUT
WITH MY KID BROTHER.
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT, STUPID.
I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT
HOW OLDER GIRLS FEEL ABOUT
GOING OUT WITH YOUNGER MEN.
HE ASKED YOU A FAIR
QUESTION, BETTY, ANSWER HIM.
YOU MEAN IF A BOY NEAR
16 ASKED ME FOR A DATE,
WOULD I GO OUT WITH HIM?
NEVER MIND. [sighs]
WELL, IF HE WAS RICH,
HANDSOME, AND HAD A TITLE,
I MIGHT CONSIDER IT,
PROVIDING HE BROUGHT
ALONG HIS BABYSITTER.
[canned laughter]
OH, YEAH?
WELL, YOU JUST CHECK
WITH ME TOMORROW NIGHT
AND SEE WHAT KIND OF
OLDER GIRLS GO FOR ME.
I GOT TO GO OVER TO SCHOOL, DAD.
I'LL BE BACK IN TIME FOR DINNER.
SCHOOL THIS TIME OF DAY?
YEAH.
KIPPY AND I GOT TO
FIGURE OUT A WAY
TO AGE ME FOUR
YEARS IN 24 HOURS.
[canned laughter]
[comical music]
♪ ♪
DOESN'T IT DO
ANYTHING FOR ME, KIP?
SURE.
BUT NOT WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND.
MAYBE IF I WEAR A MASK.
[canned laughter]
MARISSA, MY DARLING, MY
GALLANT STEED WAITS WITH US.
LET ME SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET
AND CARRY YOU OFF BEYOND CASTLE.
[laughing wickedly]
SAY THE SECRET
WORD AND I'M YOURS.
[grunts]
AH-HA-HA-HA!
CUT IT OUT, WILL YOU,
KIPPY? THIS IS SERIOUS.
OKAY. HEY!
HOW ABOUT THIS?
[canned laughter]
I WANNA IMPRESS
HER, NOT SCARE HER.
[canned laughter]
[fingers snap] I KNOW.
HOW ABOUT GRAY HAIR?
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
WOMEN ALWAYS GO FOR THAT
PREMATURE GRAY HAIR STUFF.
OH, GREAT.
THE FINAL TOUCH.
WELL, I DON'T WANNA OVERDO IT.
SHE MIGHT THINK I'M MY FATHER.
[canned laughter]
HEY, THAT LOOKS GOOD.
ANDERSON, YOU'RE A LIVING DOLL.
N... NOW, TO MAKE
YOU 6 FEET TALL.
HOW? OH, IT'S SIMPLE, MAN.
SIMPLE!
[comical music]
[canned laughter]
MOM.
BUD, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I HAD SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT
THINGS TO TAKE CARE OF.
OH, I TRIED TO KEEP
YOUR DINNER WARM.
HERE, I'LL GET THAT FOR YOU.
BUT IT'S NOT GONNA
TASTE VERY GOOD.
BUD!
WHAT IS IT, MOM?
MY GOODNESS, BUT
YOU'RE GETTING TALL.
I AM?
WHY DIDN'T I HAVE
NOTICED IT BEFORE?
OH, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, MOM.
ONE DAY, YOU HAVE
A BOY FOR A SON,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE'S A MAN.
[canned laughter] LET ME SEE.
GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
WELL, UH, I GUESS I'LL EAT.
UM, AFTER YOU.
[canned laughter]
[sighs]
HI, DAD. HELLO, SON.
UH, YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
UNUSUAL ABOUT ME?
UH-HUH, YOU'RE LATE FOR DINNER.
THAT'S UNUSUAL.
BUT, JIM, DO YOU REALIZE
THAT BUD IS ALMOST
AS TALL AS YOU ARE?
SURE, IF HE STANDS IN A BOX.
[canned laughter]
YOU DON'T REALIZE IT, JIM,
BUT, UH, BUD IS GETTING OLDER.
ISN'T HE SUPPOSED TO?
WELL, NOT OVER NIGHT.
WELL, BEFORE WE KNOW IT,
BETTY WILL BE GETTING MARRIED,
THEN BUD, EVEN KATHY.
WE'RE OUT TO BE
GRANDPARENTS IN NO TIME.
[chuckles] THE RATE YOU'RE
AGING THEM, WE WILL BE.
I SUDDENLY FEEL VERY OLD.
WOULD YOU MIND PASSING
THE SUGAR, GRANDMA?
[canned laughter]
BUD, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOUR HAIR?
OH, I DON'T KNOW, MOM.
FEW GRAY HAIRS, I GUESS.
I NOTICED THEM THIS
MORNING SHAVING.
JIM, BUD'S GOT GRAY HAIR.
WELL, THERE'S ONE NICE THING
ABOUT THIS KIND OF
GRAY HAIR, MARGARET.
IT RUBS OFF.
BUD.
DAD, WHY DO YOU
HAVE TO GIVE ME AWAY?
YOUR MOTHER WILL
BEGIN TO GROW OLD, TOO.
BUD, STAND UP.
OKAY.
[canned laughter]
HEY, WHERE DID YOU
GET THESE SHOES?
BUILDING STILTS?
THEY'RE SHOE LIFTS, THE
KIND THEY USE IN THE MOVIES.
THEY MAKE ME 4 INCHES TALLER.
WHY DO YOU WANT
TO BE 4 INCHES TALLER?
BECAUSE I'M GOING OUT WITH
A GIRL AND SHE LIKES TALL MEN.
WOULDN'T IT BE EASIER FOR
YOU IF YOU FIND A SHORTER GIRL?
THIS GIRL IS WORTH
SUFFERING FOR.
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
THAT BOTHERS ME, THOUGH.
WHAT'S THAT, BUD?
WELL, I CAN PUT GRAY ON MY
HAIR TO MAKE ME LOOK OLDER,
AND I CAN PUT LIFTS IN MY
SHOES TO MAKE ME TALLER,
BUT WHAT AM I GONNA DO
FOR THAT CHARM AND DASH
I HAVE TO HAVE BY
TOMORROW NIGHT?
THAT'S YOUR FATHER'S DEPARTMENT.
HE'S AN AUTHORITY.
THIS MUST BE QUITE A GIRL, BUD,
TO MAKE YOU GO TO
SO MUCH TROUBLE.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW
IF THERE'S ANYTHING
TO THIS REINCARNATION
STUFF OR NOT, BUT IF THERE IS,
THIS GIRL IS A HELEN OF TROY
AND CLEOPATRA ROLLED INTO ONE.
[canned laughter]
IT'S FOR YOU, SMALL CHANGE.
SMALL CHANGE?
HUH!
[canned laughter]
OH, WHAT GOES WITH HIM?
I THINK HE HAS GROWING PAINS.
[canned laughter]
GEE, THAT'S SWELL, KIPPY.
WHEN CAN I MEET MARISSA?
NOW?
OVER THE PHONE?
SURE, I GUESS IT IS SAFEST.
OKAY, PUT HER ON.
W-WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
OKAY. I'M READY.
WELL, IT'S AWFULLY
NICE MEETING YOU, BUD.
KIPPY HAS TOLD ME SUCH
WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT YOU.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHAT WOULD I LIKE TO DO?
WELL, IT REALLY DOESN'T
MATTER, WHATEVER YOU SUGGEST.
OH, GO AHEAD,
MARISSA. YOU NAME IT.
THE SKY IS THE LIMIT.
[canned laughter]
WHERE?
A NIGHTCLUB?
OH, SURE, I'VE HEARD
OF THE TOP HAT.
I GO THERE ALL THE TIME.
WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE
IT'S GOING TO BE A
WONDERFUL EVENING, BUD.
I'LL BE READY ABOUT 8 O'CLOCK.
FINE.
BYE.
KIPPY, HOW OLD DID
YOU SAY YOUR FRIEND IS?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY,
BUT HE'S PREMATURELY GRAY.
BUT DON'T WORRY, HE'S
NOT TOO OLD FOR YOU.
[canned laughter]
WHAT'S THE MATTER, SON?
IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TOOK
THE LIFTS OUT OF YOUR SHOES.
THE LIFTS AREN'T
GONNA HELP ME NOW.
OH, WHAT HAPPENED?
I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
GETTING ANY OLDER EITHER.
I JUST AGED 50 YEARS.
[canned laughter]
DID SHE TURN YOU DOWN?
NO, I ASKED HER WHAT SHE
WANTED TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT
AND SHE TOLD ME.
[chuckles] WHAT DID YOU
EXPECT HER TO SAY?
I EXPECT HER TO
LEAVE IT UP TO ME,
SO I COULD SUGGEST A MOVIE.
AND INSTEAD OF THAT, SHE
WANTS TO GO TO THE TOP HAT.
DAD, I CAN'T AFFORD
TO GO TO A NIGHTCLUB.
WELL, IF THAT'S ALL
THAT'S BOTHERING YOU,
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS.
YOU CAN'T GET INTO A NIGHTCLUB.
YOU'RE UNDERAGE.
YEAH?
WELL, OF COURSE, YOU
HAVE TO BE AT LEAST 18.
OH, GEE, THAT'S GREAT.
HOW AM I GOING TO
EXPLAIN TO MARISSA
THAT I CAN'T TAKE HER TO A
NIGHTCLUB BECAUSE I'M UNDERAGE.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE 19.
[canned laughter]
BUD, OLD MAN, [sighs]
I THINK YOU'RE GOING
TO NEED A MAGICIAN
TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS MESS.
[canned laughter]
[knocking]
BUD?
WHAT... WHAT IS IT, DAD?
YOUR MOTHER AND I JUST
HAD AN IDEA HOW TO HELP YOU.
IT WILL TAKE THE UNITED NATIONS
TO HELP ME OUT OF THIS MESS.
[canned laughter]
WELL, IF WE WERE TO GO WITH YOU,
YOU COULD GET INTO THE
NIGHTCLUB WITHOUT ANY QUESTION.
OH, THAT'S JUST DANDY.
I GO OVER AND PICK UP, MARISSA.
AND RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF
BEING CHARMING AND DASHING,
I HAVE TO STOP AND
INTRODUCE MY MOM AND DAD.
[canned laughter]
AND THEN WE GET
TO THE NIGHTCLUB.
THE WAITER WILL PAT
ME ON THE HEAD AND ASK,
"WHOSE LITTLE BOY ARE YOU?"
[canned laughter]
IT WAS A NICE TRY,
DAD, BUT NO THANKS.
AND YOU FORGOT ONE THING, BUD.
PROBABLY HE'S, UM,
PATTING YOU ON THE HEAD,
HE'LL BE HANDING
ME THE CHECK, HUH?
[canned laughter]
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
BESIDES, YOUR MOTHER
AND I AREN'T SO OLD.
WE STILL CAN BE
PRETTY GOOD COMPANY.
WE COULD SORT OF
DOUBLE DATE, COULDN'T WE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND YOU'D PICK UP THE CHECK.
[canned laughter]
I THINK THE BANK ACCOUNT
CAN STAND ONE EVENING OF.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, DAD?
I THINK EVERYTHING IS
GOING TO WORK OUT FINE...
JUST FINE.
[canned laughter]
THAT'S RIGHT, ANDRE,
DINNER FOR FOUR.
OH, UH, DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?
IT'S MY SON'S FIRST NIGHTCLUB.
HE HAS A DATE HE'S
PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT.
[chuckles] UH-HUH.
THAT'S RIGHT, ANDRE.
GIVE HIM A GOOD TABLE.
MAKE HIM LOOK GOOD.
BYE. WHERE'S BUD?
I SENT HIM UPSTAIRS TO TAKE
THE RENTAL TAG OFF HIS TUX.
OH!
YOU KNOW, JIM, I THINK IT'S FUN
DOUBLE-DATING WITH OUR SON.
IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL
A LITTLE OLD, GRANDMA?
NO, JUST THE OPPOSITE.
IT MAKES ME FEEL YOUNG.
[laughs]
HI, PRINCESS, HOW WAS
THE SORORITY MEETING?
OH, JUST FINE.
BUT YOU'LL NEVER
GUESS WHO WAS THERE?
ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
NO, BUD'S DATE.
HMM? REALLY, BETTY?
OH, SHE'S JUST BEAUTIFUL.
AND OBVIOUSLY
SHE'S NEVER SEEN BUD
BECAUSE WHEN SHE FOUND
THAT I WAS HIS SISTER,
SHE ASKED ME ALL ABOUT HIM.
BUT YOU DIDN'T GIVE
HIM AWAY, DID YOU?
NO, BUT I NEARLY
FLIPPED WHEN SHE SAID
SHE'D HEARD HE WAS THE
CASANOVA OF SPRINGFIELD.
[canned laughter]
SHE COULD HAVE A
WORSE DATE THAN BUD.
NAME ONE.
[canned laughter]
UM, TAKE A LITTLE TIME, BUT I'M
SURE THERE MUST BE SOMEONE.
[door slams]
[canned laughter]
[canned laughter]
HELLO, MITA, PITA,
AND LITTLE SISTER.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY
GONNA WEAR THOSE THINGS
ON YOUR SHOES TONIGHT, ARE YOU?
HOW ELSE CAN I BE 6 FEET TALL?
TAKE A HIGH CHAIR ALONG.
BETTY.
WHAT'S THAT UNDER YOUR NOSE?
MY MOUTH, PROBABLY.
A MUSTACHE.
MARISSA WILL TAKE ONE
LOOK AT THAT FAKE MOUSTACHE
AND TELL YOU TO GO
HOME AND WASH YOUR FACE.
BUD, TAKE IT OFF.
YOU'LL FEEL PRETTY SILLY IF
THAT DROPS OFF INTO YOUR SOUP.
[canned laughter]
OH, YOU LOOK BRIGHT AND
HANDSOME WITHOUT IT, BUD.
I DO?
OH, LET ME SEE IT, BUD?
HOW DO I LOOK?
OH, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
DO I LOOK TALL?
FROM WHERE I AM,
EVERYBODY LOOKS TALL.
[canned laughter]
GOOD NIGHT, ANGEL.
GOOD NIGHT, MOMMY.
DON'T FORGET TO SAY
YOUR PRAYERS FOR BETTY.
I WON'T. COME ON,
JIM, WE'LL BE LATE.
ALL RIGHT. HERE, BUD.
OH, BUD.
YEAH?
CONSIDERING WHAT YOU HAVE
TO WORK WITH, YOU DO LOOK NICE.
THANKS, SIS.
[canned laughter]
HOW DO YOU FEEL, SON?
FINE.
YOU'RE NOT NERVOUS, ARE YOU?
NO.
UGH! OH!
DID YOU FALL? SHH!
I'M OKAY.
TAKE IT EASY, SON.
S0, DAD, I, UH, THERE'S
SOMETHING YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.
WHAT'S THAT?
[buzzing] I, UH, I
DIDN'T TELL MARISSA
THAT YOU'RE MY
MOTHER AND FATHER.
WHAT?
I JUST COULDN'T, MOM.
I-I TOLD HER THAT YOU
WERE OLD FRIENDS OF MINE.
BUD ANDERSON,
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
WELL, YOU CAN BE
ENGAGED IF YOU WANT TO.
[canned laughter]
THANKS A LOT.
[canned laughter]
[romantic music]
♪ ♪
PLEASE COME IN.
♪ ♪
YOU, UH, MUST BE MARISSA.
AND YOU MUST BE BUD.
KIPPY TOLD ME THAT YOU
WERE TALL AND HANDSOME.
HE CERTAINLY DIDN'T
EXAGGERATE. [canned laughter]
THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU,
MARISSA, BUT I'M NOT BUD.
I'M BUD.
[canned laughter]
AND I'M MARGARET.
MARGARET TAYLOR. OH.
WE'RE OLD FRIENDS OF BUD'S.
OLD, OLD FRIENDS.
THIS IS JIM ANDERSON.
ANDERSON?
YES, I... I'M ALSO A RELATIVE.
VERY DISTANT, THOUGH.
YEAH, HE'S, UH, OLD RELATIVE.
VERY OLD.
[canned laughter]
WELL, I THINK YOUR
FRIENDS ARE VERY NICE, BUD.
I'M SURE WERE GOING TO
HAVE A WONDERFUL EVENING.
GEE.
I'LL GET MY WRAP.
BUD HAS GOOD TASTE.
HASN'T HE?
[canned laughter]
IS THIS TABLE SATISFACTORY,
MONSIEUR ANDERSON?
YEAH, THIS IS FINE.
BUD, UH.
UH, YOU MUST KNOW
THE RIGHT PEOPLE
TO GET A RINGSIDE TABLE HERE.
AND ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE, TOO.
[chuckles] WELL, UH...
THIS IS A FAVORITE SPOT OF MINE.
I COME HERE A LOT.
THEY MUST KNOW ME
BY NOW. OH! [chuckles]
YOU WISH TO ORDER NOW, MONSIEUR?
IT CAN TAKE ALL NIGHT
TO READ THIS MENU.
YOU MAY TAKE ALL
OF THE TIME YOU WISH.
THEY MUST BE TRYING TO SAVE
ELECTRICITY OR SOMETHING.
I CAN'T SEE A THING.
OH-OH, HERE... HERE,
BUD, I HAVE JUST THE THING.
OH, THAT'S GREAT.
BUD, UH...
[canned laughter]
BUD? YEAH, DAD?
DADDY-O?
I ALWAYS CALL HIM THAT.
DADDY-O, THE LATEST
HIP EXPRESSION.
YES, I KNOW.
OH, WOULD YOU CARE
TO DANCE WITH ME?
OH, I... I'D LOVE TO.
EXCUSE US.
SURE.
I, UH, WOULD HAVE
ASKED YOU TO DANCE.
I'M HAVING A LITTLE
TROUBLE WITH MY FEET.
OH, WELL, NOTHING
SERIOUS, I HOPE.
NO, IT'S NOTHING I CAN'T
GET RID OF ANYTIME.
[canned laughter]
OH. WELL, I'M GLAD OF THAT.
DO YOU WISH TO
ORDER NOW, MONSIEUR?
WAIT, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
UH, HOW'S YOUR STEAK TONIGHT?
MAY I RECOMMEND
THE CHATEAUBRIAND?
WHY, ARE YOU ALL OUT OF STEAK?
NO, I REMEMBER WE HAVE
SOME VERY BEAUTIFUL
NEW YORK CUT STEAKS.
8$ FOR ONE STEAK?
OUI, MONSIEUR, BUT POTATOES
GO WITH THAT IF YOU LIKE.
OH, WELL, BUD, IF YOU'RE
ORDERING THAT FOR ME,
THAT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.
BESIDES, I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.
WELL, I SORT OF LOSS
MY APPETITE TOO.
[canned laughter] HAVEN'T
YOU GOT ANYTHING ELSE?
OF COURSE, WE HAVE
MANY SELECTIONS.
WHAT ABOUT SOME
HAMBURGERS FROM SPRINGFIELD?
OF COURSE, WE HAVE THAT, TOO.
SALISBURY DELUXE.
A FANCY NAME FOR HAMBURGER.
OH, WELL, THAT WILL BE FINE.
UH, BRING US FOUR
SALISBURYS, HAMBURGERS.
POOR BUD.
I'M AFRAID HE ISN'T FOOLING
MARISSA FOR ONE MINUTE.
I JUST HOPE THAT NOTHING
HAPPENS TOO EMBARRASSING.
I LIKE THIS GIRL, MARGARET,
SHE'S A THOROUGHBRED.
I'M ALMOST SORRY THAT BUD
ISN'T OLD ENOUGH FOR HER.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
NEVER MIND, DADDY-O.
[canned laughter]
[applause]
[drum rolls]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT'S MY PLEASURE
TO INTRODUCE TO YOU
FOR THIS EVENING'S
ENTERTAINMENT,
THE GREAT MERADO.
[musical instruments
play] [applause]
[soft music]
♪ ♪
[applause]
♪ ♪
[applause]
♪ ♪
[applause] YEAH.
[applause]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
AND, NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I SHOULD LIKE TO GIVE A
DEMONSTRATION IN THE...
OH.
[laughs]
[applause]
I SHOULD LIKE TO
GIVE A DEMONSTRATION
OF THE REMARKABLE
POWERS OF MIND READING.
BUT FIRST I MUST HAVE A LITTLE
ASSISTANCE FROM THE AUDIENCE.
[indistinct chattering]
UH, THERE'S A NICE LOOKING
YOUNG MAN RIGHT THERE.
[canned laughter]
HE MUST HAVE MEANT YOU, JIM.
OH, NOT ME, YOU, BUD.
ME? MM-HMM.
GO ON, BUD, IT SOUNDS EXCITING.
I DON'T WANT MY MIND READ.
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE STUCK, BUD.
WELL, THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.
[canned laughter]
UH, THERE WE ARE YOUNG MAN.
JUST SIT RIGHT DOWN AND
MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.
I WAS COMFORTABLE
RIGHT... NO, NO. I WAS JUST...
[canned laughter]
NOW, THEN, UH, HAVE YOU
EVER SEEN ME BEFORE?
NO, SIR.
HAVE I EVER SEEN YOU BEFORE?
I DON'T KNOW. I HAVE NOT.
IT'S BEEN NICE KNOWING
YOU, I GOT TO GO.
[canned laughter] JUST A MOMENT,
JUST A MOMENT,
YOUNG MAN. [chuckles]
SIT RIGHT DOWN, I
HAVE JUST BEGUN.
NOW, THEN, UH, I HAVE
NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE,
YET I CAN TELL
YOU... [canned laughter]
MANY, MANY THINGS
ABOUT YOURSELF.
WELL, I'LL TAKE
YOUR WORD FOR IT.
[canned laughter]
I'VE JUST BEGUN, JUST
RELAX, SIT QUIETLY.
NOW, THEN, I SEE A
HOME, IT'S YOUR HOME.
IT'S A BIG, BEAUTIFUL WHITE
HOUSE ON MAPLE STREET, RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT, CAN I GO NOW? NAH.
[canned laughter]
[INDISCERNIBLE]
AND I SEE A FAMILY.
YOU HAVE-YOU HAVE, UH,
A LITTLE SISTER BY THE
NAME OF, UH, KATHY-KATHY,
AND AN OLDER SISTER
BY THE NAME OF BETTY.
AND YOUR PARENTS ARE, UH, UM,
MARGARET AND JIM
ANDERSON, IS THAT RIGHT?
[canned laughter]
AND, UH, YOUR NAME
SON... YOUR NAME IS, UH...
JAMES JUNIOR, BUT
YOU HAVE A NICKNAME.
UH, YOU ARE KNOWN AS, UH,
BUD, BY YOUR MANY FRIENDS.
YOU ARE A, UH,
SOPHOMORE AT HIGH SCHOOL,
AND YOUR AGE IS 15.
[canned laughter]
[APPLAUSE]
THERE YOU ARE, YOUNG MAN.
NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE GREAT MERADO?
YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD, SIR.
YEAH.
I GUESS NOBODY CARED TO RUIN
ME ANY BETTER THAN YOU JUST DID.
[canned laughter]
[applause]
[crickets chirping]
[romantic music]
♪ ♪
GOOD NIGHT, BUD.
THANKS, AGAIN, FOR
A LOVELY EVENING.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME,
WHAT A DOPE YOU THINK I AM?
I GOT IT COMING TO ME.
BECAUSE I DON'T
THINK YOU ARE A DOPE.
ANYBODY WHO TRIES TO
BE 19, WHEN THEY'RE ONLY 15,
AND 6 FOOT TALL, WHEN
THEY'RE ONLY 5'7" IS A DOPE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU
FIRST CAME TO PICK ME UP,
I KNEW YOU WEREN'T 19.
YOU MEAN, I DIDN'T
FOOL YOU AT ALL?
NO.
WHY'D YOU EVEN BOTHER WITH ME?
WELL, ANYONE WHO
WENT TO THE TROUBLE
THAT YOU DID TO IMPRESS ME
MUST HAVE A LOT OF IMAGINATION.
[canned laughter]
YEAH?
AND NOT ONLY THAT, I
LIKE YOUR... RELATIVES.
[canned laughter]
YEAH, WELL, THEY
ARE SORT OF NICE.
WELL, UH... SO LONG, MARISSA.
♪ ♪
GOOD NIGHT, BUD.
AND THANKS AGAIN FOR THE MOST...
UNUSUAL EVENING I'VE EVER HAD.
[canned laughter]
♪ ♪
[door closes]
♪ ♪
[jolly music]
♪ ♪
[canned laughter]
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SON?
GREAT, DAD. JUST GREAT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING,
IF I'M THIS CHARMING AT 15,
JUST THINK WHAT
I'LL BE LIKE AT 19.
[canned laughter]
GET IN, CASANOVA.
[canned laughter]
[applause]