Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 3, Episode 37 - Shoot for the Moon - full transcript
Margaret hires a man named Sageman to chop wood for their fireplace. He only wants to be paid in meals. An honest day's work for an honest meal. Sageman quietly shares his views of life with the Anderson's and inspires them all.
♪ ♪
Narrator: ROBERT YOUNG...
AND JANE WYATT.
- [laughter]
- WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...
IN... FATHER KNOWS BEST.
- TIMBER!
TIMBER!
[thuds] [canned laughter]
[comical music]
♪ ♪
[door closes]
BOY, CUTTING LOGS
IS TOUGH WORK...
[canned laughter]
ESPECIALLY WITH A DULL AX.
YOU KNOW, I'D SAVE TIME
IF I WAITED FOR DAD TO
GET THAT AX SHARPENED.
[canned laughter]
YOU KNOW, THAT WOOD'S
PRETTY GREEN, TOO.
ACTUALLY, TO BE
LOGICAL ABOUT THIS,
A FELLA WILL BE SMART
TO LET THAT WOOD DRY OUT
FOR A FEW WEEKS.
DON'T YOU THINK, MOM?
I MEAN, TO BE PERFECTLY
LOGICAL, DON'T YOU THINK SO, MOM?
- OH, HELLO, MRS. WATKINS.
UH, THIS IS MARGARET ANDERSON.
OH, WE'RE FINE.
SAY, IS THAT FELLA YOU
WERE TELLING ABOUT
STILL OVER AT YOUR PLACE?
WELL, THE ONE WHO WAS
CUTTING UP ALL YOUR FIREWOOD.
[chuckles] YES.
WELL, IF HE'S GOOD A
WORKER AS YOU SAY HE IS,
I'D LIKE TO HIRE HIM.
WOULD YOU DO
THAT? [canned laughter]
THANK YOU, MRS.
WATKINS. GOODBYE.
- SAY, MOM, I WAS GONNA
CUT UP THAT FIREWOOD.
- BUT WHEN?
IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE
WE'VE HAD OUR TREES TOPPED.
AND HOW MUCH FIREWOOD
HAVE YOU CHOPPED?
ONE SKINNY LITTLE BRANCH.
- IT WASN'T SO SKINNY.
- YOU JUST STALL AROUND,
NEVER FINISH ANYTHING.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND
IN YOUR WASTEBASKET,
THE SPEECH YOU STARTED TO
WRITE FOR THE SCHOOL CONTEST.
WELL, HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO WIN
IF YOU WON'T EVEN
WRITE A SPEECH?
- WELL, MY PENCIL BROKE.
- [sighs] [canned laughter]
IF YOU WANNA WIN,
IT'S A WONDERFUL
PRIZE THE WINNER GETS,
A TRIP TO WASHINGTON D.C.
- OH, SURE I WANNA WIN,
BUT I CAN'T COMPETE WITH
THOSE GENIUSES IN THE CONTEST.
- WELL, HOW DO YOU
KNOW IF YOU WON'T TRY?
HERE. AT LEAST WORK ON IT.
IT SEEMS TO ME
THAT WHEN A BOY GETS A
WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY LIKE...
KATHY, WHERE ARE YOU
TAKING THAT DISHCLOTH?
- I'M TRYING TO GET
RID OF THESE WARTS.
PATTY DAVIS SAID, "IF YOU
TAKE A STOLEN DISHRAG
AND BURY IT IN THE
GROUND AND THEN..."
- THAT'S A RIDICULOUS
SUPERSTITION.
I DON'T WANT ANY OF MY
GOOD DISHCLOTHS BURIED.
- YEAH, YOU CAN'T GET
RID OF WARTS THAT WAY.
IT'S NOT LOGICAL.
- THE DOCTOR SAID STOP
WORRYING AND THEY'D GO AWAY.
I THINK THEY'RE GETTING SMALLER.
- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
[car horn honks]
- WELL, YOUR FATHER'S
HOME ALREADY.
HE PROBABLY CAME HOME EARLY TO
STACK ALL THAT FIREWOOD YOU CUT.
[canned laughter]
- [laughs]
- [sighs] BUD.
BUD, COME OUT HERE.
- YOU CALLED ME, DAD?
- YES.
I'LL ADMIT THIS MAKES A
PICTURESQUE WOODLAND SCENE,
VERY SUITABLE FOR TRAPPING
GROUSE, BUT I DO FEEL THAT...
- NOW, WAIT, DAD,
LET ME EXPLAIN.
I STARTED TO CUT THE WOOD,
BUT MOM YANKED THE JOB
RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER ME
BY HIRING SOME MAN TO DO IT.
- HIRING SOME MAN?
- RIGHT WHEN I WAS
GETTING INTO HIGH GEAR, TOO.
[canned laughter] IT
JUST MADE ME SICK.
- HMM. WELL, COME ON, I'LL
GET YOUR JOB BACK FOR YOU.
- NO, NO, WAIT, DAD.
I... I DON'T WANNA BEAT
AN OLD MAN OUT OF A JOB.
I DON'T WANT THAT
ON MY CONSCIENCE.
- THAT'S ABOUT WHAT I FIGURED.
- YEAH, A GUY CAN'T BE
THINKING OF HIMSELF ALL THE TIME.
- OH, CERTAINLY NOT.
[canned laughter]
[chuckles]
DID YOU KNOW WE HAVE
A VERY UNSELFISH SON?
HE WOULDN'T THINK OF
TAKING THE JOB AWAY
FROM THAT OLD MAN THAT YOU...
BY THE WAY, HOW MUCH IS THAT
UNSELFISHNESS GONNA COST ME?
[canned laughter]
- WELL, IT SOUNDS SILLY,
BUT APPARENTLY ALL
HE WANTS IS HIS MEALS.
HE'S WORKED A FEW
DAYS FOR MRS. WATKINS
AND THAT'S ALL HE'D ACCEPT.
- WELL, THAT'S ODD.
HE CAN'T BE MUCH OF
A WORKER FOR THAT.
- OH, MRS. WATKINS
SAYS HE'S TERRIFIC.
SHE SAYS HE'S ABOUT 190 YEARS
OLD AND WORKS LIKE A DEMON.
- SO YOU CAN SEE, DAD,
IT'D BE VERY UNFAIR TO
CHEAT A MAN HIS AGE OUT OF A...
- OH, CUT IT OUT.
[canned laughter]
- I WANT YOU TO GO IN AND
WORK ON YOUR SPEECH.
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK OF A
BOY WHO HAS AN OPPORTUNITY
TO ENTER A SPEECH CONTEST...
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- HOW DO YOU DO, UH... SIR?
- AN HONEST DAY'S WORK
FOR AN HONEST MEAL.
THOSE ARE MY TERMS.
NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.
FAIR, EQUITABLE.
- OH, YOU'RE THE MAN
FROM MRS. WATKINS.
[chuckles]
WELL, YES, THAT'S FAIR ENOUGH,
BUT WE HAVE A LOT
OF WOOD TO CHOP.
I'M AFRAID I'D BE CHEATING YOU.
- NO MAN CAN CHEAT ME.
WOOD TO CHOP?
HMM...
FROM NOW TILL SUNDOWN...
TILL HIGH MERIDIAN TOMORROW.
THAT'S THE MEASURE OF IT.
- THE MEASURE OF WHAT?
- YOUR LABOR TIME, SIR.
BY NOON TOMORROW,
THE LAST LOG WILL BE CUT,
SPLIT, TRIMMED, AND STACKED,
AND I'LL BE HEADING YONDER.
IT'D BE THREE
MEALS... ONE TONIGHT,
ONE IN THE MORNING,
AND ONE AT NOON.
EQUITABLE?
- [chuckles] YES.
- BUT I STILL...
- DONE.
- WELL, UM, UH, WOULD
YOU LIKE YOUR SUPPER NOW?
- I HAVEN'T EARNED IT YET.
I'LL HAVE IT AT SUNDOWN.
- OH, WELL, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- SAGEMAN.
- UM, THAT AX MIGHT
BE A LITTLE DULL.
- OH, THEY MOST GENERAL ARE.
BUT I HAVE A FILE TO FIX IT.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS
HOW GOOD'S THE STEEL.
THAT GOES FOR BOTH AXES AND MEN.
THE HEAP SIDE OF THE STEEL,
THAT'S IN MEN, IS MIGHTY DULL,
AND THAT'S WHERE I COME IN.
YOU KNOW, ONE DAY
THE ALMIGHTY SAID TO ME,
"SAGEMAN, EVERY MAN IS
PUT HERE FOR A REASON,
"AND YOURS IS TO ROAM THE EARTH
"AND SHARPEN UP THE
STEEL INSIDE OF MEN,
SO THEY CAN PUT IT TO GOOD USE."
THAT'S THE POWER I GOT, SON.
[scraping]
- HI, ANYBODY HOME?
- HELLO, ED.
- HELLO, ED, COME ON IN.
- HI, MARGARET. I CAN'T STAY.
I WAS JUST ANXIOUS TO
HEAR HOW YOU MADE OUT
WITH MR. STONEHAUSER TODAY, JIM.
DID YOU GET HIM INTERESTED
IN THAT INSURANCE DEAL?
- NO, ED, I DIDN'T CALL HIM.
- YOU DIDN'T CALL HIM?
MARGARET, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THIS HUSBAND OF YOURS?
DOES HE HATE MONEY?
- HE DOESN'T GET THE
CHANCE TO KEEP ANY OF IT
LONG ENOUGH TO FIND OUT.
- HERE AM I TO DIG UP A
RED-HOT DEAL FOR HIM.
THE FELLA WHO'S
GONNA BE HEAD MAN
AT THAT BIG AUTO ASSEMBLY PLANT
IS COMING INTO THE
WEST END OF TOWN,
CHECKED INTO THE
HOTEL YESTERDAY.
THERE'S A CHANCE
FOR A WHOPPING BIG
GROUP INSURANCE
POLICY ON THE EMPLOYEES,
AND WHAT DOES HE DO?
NOTHING.
- ED, I'VE LOOKED INTO
THIS KIND OF DEAL BEFORE.
MY TALKING TO THIS
MR. STONEHAUSER
WOULD BE A WASTE OF TIME.
IT'S ALL HANDLED BY THEIR
TOP BRASS IN DETROIT.
JUST OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
- I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING
WAS OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.
- NO, DAD, AND WHAT
YOU ALWAYS JUST TELL ME,
SHOOT FOR THE MOON.
AND JUST THINK ALL THAT
COMMISSION YOU'LL MAKE.
- I BETTER LET YOU PEOPLE
HANDLE MY BUSINESS.
YOU SEEM TO KNOW
MORE ABOUT IT THAN I DO.
[canned laughter]
OH, ED, LOOK, YOU SEE
THAT OLD FELLA OUT THERE?
HE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW
MUCH WOOD HE CAN CHOP,
AND HOW MUCH HIS WORK IS WORTH,
AND HE HAS ENOUGH
SENSE TO STICK TO IT.
NOW THAT'S WHAT I TRY
TO DO IN MY BUSINESS.
- I AGREE, YOU'RE
A WOOD CHOPPER,
NOT AN INSURANCE
SALESMAN. [canned laughter]
- [laughs]
- YOU KNOW, I GOT
A NICE SUSPICION,
YOU DON'T QUITE BELIEVE ME.
YOU'LL FIND OUT I CAN DO
SOME MIGHTY AMAZING THINGS.
- LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, I CAN BLAST
THROUGH LIGHTNING
WITH A LONG STRAND OF SEAWEED.
AND I CAN SPEAR A HAWK
IN THE FULLEST FLIGHT.
AND I CAN BRAID MOON
BEAMS INTO A BUGGY WHIP.
[thuds]
- CAN YOU GET RID OF WARTS?
[canned laughter]
- LET ME SEE.
WELL, THIS IS NOT SIMPLE TO DO,
BUT WE CAN DO IT.
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT, YOUNG'UN?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
BUT IF IT'S SUCH STUFF ABOUT
BURYING A STOLEN DISHRAG, I...
- NO! THAT'S SUPERSTITION.
WE'LL DO THIS SCIENTIFIC.
- YEAH?
- WE'LL BURN THEM OFF.
- HUH?
- NOW, DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL TRANSFER 'EM FIRST
AND YOU WON'T FEEL A THING.
NOW, FIRST, YOU GET
A LONG GREEN BEAN
AND YOU CUT IT INTO...
WELL, HOW MANY
WARTS DO YOU HAVE?
- FIVE.
- NOW, YOU CUT THE
BEAN INTO FIVE PIECES
AND DIP THEM IN BACON FAT,
AND TOUCH ONE TO EACH WART.
- THAT TRANSFERS 'EM?
- NO, THAT JUST UNLOCKS THEM,
AND A SLICE OF RED
ONION DRAWS THEM OUT,
AND FIVE TWIGS
FROM A BIRD'S NEST
GIVES THEM FLIGHT.
- OH, HI, DADDY!
- OH, KEEP GOING,
SOUNDS INTERESTING.
- HE SAYS THIS IS... SCIENTIFIC.
- WHY, OF COURSE,
ANYONE CAN SEE THAT.
- ALL RIGHT, YOUNG'UN,
YOU GATHER UP THE MAKING.
AND GET A PIECE OF SILK
CLOTH AND A SILK THREAD, TOO.
AND TONIGHT AFTER DARK,
WE'LL HAVE THE BONFIRE
AND THE INCANTATION.
- A WHAT?
- A FIRE CEREMONY.
YOU RUN.
AND TAKE CARE WHEN
YOU GET THOSE TWIGS
THAT YOU DON'T TOUCH
THE INSIDE OF THE NEST
OR THE MAMA BIRD
WON'T COME BACK TO IT.
- [laughing]
THAT'S QUITE A RIGMAROLE.
THAT OUGHT TO KEEP
HER BUSY FOR A WHILE.
UH, WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SAGEMAN?
- FROM?
OH, YOU NAME IT, SIR,
AND I'M FROM THERE.
- THE ONE PLACE I'D NAME
IS BACK IN THE HILL COUNTRY.
I'D GUESS THAT'S
WHERE YOU PICKED UP
SOME OF YOUR, UH, SCIENCE.
- I'VE BEEN THERE.
- DADDY, COME HERE, I NEED YOU!
- ALL RIGHT, KITTEN,
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
EXCUSE ME, SAGEMAN.
- KEEP GOING, DADDY,
JUST A LITTLE FARTHER.
- YEAH, I JUST HOPE SAGEMAN HAS
A CURE FOR BROKEN NECKS TOO.
[canned laughter]
- BE CAREFUL NOW AND DON'T
TOUCH THE INSIDE OF THE BIRD'S NEST,
AND GET FIVE TWIGS.
- ALL RIGHT, TARZAN,
JUST WHAT THE
DEVIL ARE YOU DOING?
- HUH?
OH, HELLO, ED. [chuckles]
WELL, I, UH...
WELL, I'M REMOVING WARTS.
- WELL, ASK A SILLY QUESTION,
YOU GET A SILLY ANSWER.
LOOK, JIM, IF YOU'VE GOT TIME
TO MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF,
WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOT TIME TO GET
ON THAT PHONE TO STONEHAUSER.
THIS IS A GOLDEN
OPPORTUNITY, BOY!
- ED, I APPRECIATE
YOUR INTEREST,
BUT I TOLD YOU, I
CAN'T GET THAT DEAL.
IT'S RIDICULOUS TO
EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
- OH, MAN, I GIVE UP.
TRYING TO DO A FELLA A FAVOR.
- YOU KNOW, MAYBE MR. SAGEMAN
COULD HELP YOU, DADDY.
I MEAN, GET THAT DEAL
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.
- [chuckles]
OH, I THINK SAGEMAN
WILL HAVE ALL HE CAN DO
WITH THIS ONE-FIRE
WART CEREMONY.
- I WONDER IF HE
COULD HELP YOU, DADDY.
I WONDER.
- ED'S PRETTY DISGUSTED WITH ME.
I THINK HE WAS FIGURING
OUT ME THROWING HIM
SOME OF OUR ACCOUNTING
WORK AS A RETURN FAVOR
IF I SOLD THAT BIG
INSURANCE DEAL.
- AND YOU PROBABLY
WON'T SELL ANY INSURANCE,
IF IT GETS OUT THAT YOU
GO AROUND STEALING TWIGS
OUT OF BIRDS' NESTS.
- NOW, I DON'T WANNA
HEAR ANY OF THAT STUFF.
- WELL, DON'T YOU THINK
THE ENCYCLOPEDIA KNOWS
MORE THAN SAGEMAN?
- NO. AND I GOT THE SILK CLOTH
AND THE SILK THREAD, DADDY.
- GOOD.
- LOOK, SQUEEGEE, WHAT POSSIBLE
CONNECTION COULD THERE BE
BETWEEN THE JUNK
THAT YOU'RE GATHERING
AND... AND GETTING RID OF WARTS.
IT... IT'S NOT LOGICAL.
- I'M WITH YOU, BUD.
- WHY DON'T YOU USE YOUR BEAN?
- I AM. I'M USING GREEN BEANS.
DO WE HAVE ANY
GREEN BEANS, MOMMY?
- I HOPE NOT.
[canned laughter]
- LISTEN TO THIS, MUTTONHEAD.
ORDINARY FLAT WARTS OCCUR
MOSTLY UPON THE HANDS OF CHILDREN,
FREQUENTLY APPEARING, SUDDENLY,
AND DISAPPEARING
WITH EQUAL SUDDENNESS.
HENCE, THE SUPPOSED
EFFECTIVENESS OF CHARMS
TO REMOVE THEM.
- SO?
- SO IT'S NOT LOGICAL. AND
YOU GOT ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD.
- I BETTER ASK MR. SAGEMAN
IF THESE ARE THE
RIGHT KIND OF BEANS.
- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TAKE THE WHOLE SACK.
[sighs]
WELL, I'M AGAINST THIS,
AND... AND I THINK WE
SHOULD PUT A STOP TO IT.
- WELL, I'M A LITTLE SORRY
TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO
THE BIG FIRE CEREMONY TONIGHT.
- THE WHAT?
- WHAT'S A FIRE CEREMONY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
[laughing]
BUT WITH SAGEMAN HANDLING IT,
YOU COULD BE SURE IT
WILL BE MIGHTY IMPRESSIVE.
IT ISN'T EVERY DAY
YOU GET A CHANCE TO
SEE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
- FORTUNATELY.
- YOU SEE, DAD, YOU DON'T
BELIEVE THAT SAGEMAN
HAS ALL THESE POWERS
HE SAYS HE HAS, DO YOU?
- OH, I'D SAY HE, UH,
STRETCHES A POINT OR TWO.
- OH, STANDS TO A REASON,
'CAUSE IF HE HAD ALL THAT POWER,
WELL, HE COULD HAVE
ANYTHING HE WANTED.
CARS, MANSIONS, EVERYTHING.
BUT WHAT HAS HE GOT? NOTHING.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- ALL HE'S GOT IS A BED ROLL,
A MESS KIT, AND AN OLD BIBLE.
- AND THOSE ARE PRETTY
FUNDAMENTAL POSSESSIONS, SON.
- WELL, I... I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT BOTHERS ME.
HE HAS KATHY DOING
THESE RIDICULOUS THINGS.
HE HAS YOU CLIMBING
TREES, ROBBING BIRDS' NEST.
WELL, HE'S MAKING A
FOOL OF YOU, OF US.
- WELL, I KNOW IT
SEEMS THAT WAY,
BUT I LEARNED FROM MY FATHER
THAT IT ALL DEPENDS
ON YOUR POINT OF VIEW,
WHETHER YOU'RE BEING
MADE A FOOL OF OR NOT.
- I DON'T SEE WHAT POINT
OF VIEW HAS TO DO WITH IT.
- WELL, WHEN I WAS A BOY,
A FABULOUS CHARACTER WHO
CALL HIMSELF SQUIRE ALBERT,
USED TO COME TO TOWN IN HIS RED
AND YELLOW WAGON SELLING, UM...
OH, WHAT DID HE CALL IT? UM...
[chuckles] HIBLER'S
MEDICATED SOAP.
YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD THE
CLAIMS HE MADE FOR THAT SOAP.
INSTANT BEAUTY,
TOOK AWAY WRINKLES,
CURED RHEUMATISM,
DID EVERYTHING.
HE CHARGED $4 A BOX FOR IT,
AND IT WASN'T WORTH 30 CENTS.
A LOT OF PEOPLE FELT HE
CHEATED THEM PRETTY BADLY.
- I SHOULDN'T WONDER.
- BUT DAD BOUGHT SOAP FROM
HIM EVERY YEAR HE CAME TO TOWN.
- YEAH?
- [chuckles]
BUT IT WASN'T THE
SOAP THAT HE WANTED.
HE GAVE THAT AWAY.
UH, HE FELT THAT SQUIRE ALBERT
WITH HIS FLAMBOYANT ANTICS,
AND HIS SPELLBINDING
SPIEL PUT ON A GREAT SHOW,
AND THAT'S WHAT
HE WAS PAYING FOR.
SO, WHERE OTHERS FELT
THAT THEY WERE BEING JIPPED,
DAD FELT THAT HE GOT MORE
THAN HIS MONEY'S WORTH.
HMM, IT'S ALL ON
YOUR POINT OF VIEW.
- HE SAID THE BEANS
WOULD WORK FINE.
OH, AND, DADDY, HE SAID HE'LL
BE GLAD TO HELP YOU, TOO.
- OH, WELL, FINE.
- WHAT'S THIS?
- HAVE YOU GOT WARTS, TOO, DAD?
- [laughs]
NO, EVIDENTLY, THIS HAS TO DO
WITH THAT GROUP INSURANCE DEAL.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S NICE.
NOW, I SUPPOSE
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS JUST WAIT FOR
MR. STONEHAUSER TO CALL YOU.
- I BELIEVE I'LL ASK HIM
FOR SOMETHING, TOO.
SAY LIKE, UH, A YACHT OR...
- WHAT YOU BETTER ASK HIM FOR
IS THE INITIATIVE TO GET
STARTED ON THAT SPEECH.
MOM, IF I THOUGHT I EVEN
HAD AN OUTSIDE CHANCE, I'D...
- KATHY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, I HAVE TO PUT THIS
BEAN IN THE BAKING GREASE.
OH, SAY, I WAS SUPPOSED TO
ASK YOU WHERE WE CAN HAVE
THE BIG BONFIRE TONIGHT.
- BONFIRE?
WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE
A BONFIRE IN THE CITY.
WHY THE FIRE DEPARTMENT
WOULD COME CLANGING UP
THEN A BIG CROWD
OF PEOPLE WILL...
JIM,
NOW, HE'S GOING TOO FAR.
NOW, YOU GO OUT THERE,
AND YOU TELL HIM TO
STICK TO HIS WOODCUTTING.
NO, I'D BETTER GO.
YOU'LL JUST HELP
HIM BUILD A FIRE.
[canned laughter]
- [chuckles] [door opens]
NOW, THIS I DON'T WANNA MISS.
- MR. SAGEMAN,
WE ENGAGED YOU TO CUT WOOD,
AND I... I MUST SAY YOU'RE
DOING A... A VERY GOOD JOB.
BUT, UH... [rasping]
WELL, THAT'S ALL WE WANT DONE.
ALL THIS NONSENSE
ABOUT BONFIRES,
AND BEES, AND BIRDS' NEST,
WELL, I JUST RATHER
YOU... YOU... YOU DROP THAT.
- YES, MA'AM.
- DO YOU THINK I'M A FAKE?
- OH, WELL, I...
WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
A LOT OF FOLKS DO.
AND IF YOU THINK THAT WAY, I
COULDN'T HELP YOU NO WAYS,
BUT, NOW, IF... IF YOU WAS
TO BELIEVE IN ME, JUST A MITE.
- MR. SAGEMAN...
- I KNOW IT'S KINDA HARD
TO BELIEVE IN AN OLD MAN
WHO... WHO WONDERS
ABOUT IN WORN-DOWN BOOTS,
WHY DOESN'T HE USE HIS
POWER ON HIMSELF, YOU SAY?
WELL, YOU SEE, MA'AM,
THAT A WAY I... I'D USE IT UP.
AND I WOULDN'T HAVE ANY
LEFT TO USE ON OTHER FOLKS.
ONE PLOT OF GROUND WILL
ONLY GROW SO MUCH GRAIN.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT.
- BESIDES I HAVE EVERYTHING.
- EVERYTHING?
- MY HOME RUNS FROM SEA TO
SEA, WITH A CEILING THAT STRETCHES
AS FAR AS THE EYE
OF A MAN CAN TRAVEL,
AND MY CEILING CHANGES COLOR
EVERY MORNING AND EVERY EVENING.
HMM, NO MAN CAN
ROB ME OF MY HOME.
NO MAN CAN KEEP ME OUT OF IT.
I HAVE THE FREEDOM TO ROAM,
AND THE TIME TO
ENJOY WHAT I SEE.
I'VE BATHED IN EVERY RIVER.
I... I'VE CLIMBED
EVERY MOUNTAINTOP.
[crickets chirping]
I'VE DRANK THE PURE
DROPS OF A MELTING GLACIER.
WHAT I HAVE, NO MAN
CAN TAKE FROM ME.
FOR MY KIND OF LIFE, I... I
HAVE EVERYTHING I WANT.
MOST FOLKS DON'T ALL
WANT THE SAME KIND OF LIFE...
OR THE SAME KIND OF THINGS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU BOY, WHAT DO
YOU THINK YOU WANT?
A LONG, SHINY, FANCY,
ZIPPEROO AUTOMOBILE?
- WELL, YEAH, SURE.
[chuckles]
[canned laughter]
- DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IT?
- WELL, NO, BUT YOU COULD.
- I ASKED, "DO YOU
THINK YOU COULD?"
- NO.
- THEN DON'T ASK IT.
- HUH?
- I KNOW WHAT HE WANTS.
HE WANTS TO WIN
THAT SPEECH CONTEST.
- GEE, YES.
AND YOU, SIR, YOU WANNA SELL
A CERTAIN BIG INSURANCE DEAL?
- WELL...
- I DON'T HOLD WITH
MATERIAL THINGS
UNLESS THEY'RE PUT TO GOOD USE.
BUT I JUDGE YOU
TO BE SUCH A MAN.
SO, NOW, HERE'S MY INSTRUCTIONS.
BOY, YOU WRITE THE NAME OF YOUR
SPEECH ON A PIECE OF BIRCH BARK,
AND YOU, SIR, THE NAME
OF THE MAN YOU AIM TO SELL,
AND THEN TONIGHT AT
THE FIRE CEREMONY...
- WE AREN'T GONNA
HAVE A BONFIRE.
- HMM?
- MOMMY SAYS WE CAN'T.
- WELL, IT'S NOT ME, THERE'S
A CITY ORDINANCE AGAINST IT.
WELL, I DIDN'T PASS
THE ORDINANCE.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
IF YOU MUST HAVE A FIRE,
I... I SUPPOSE YOU CAN
HAVE IT ON THE FIREPLACE.
- OH, THANK YOU, MOMMY.
BUT THIS DOESN'T MEAN I
BELIEVE ANY OF THIS FALDERAL,
UNDERSTAND THAT.
I'LL, UH, GO IN AND MAKE
YOUR SUPPER, MR. SAGEMAN.
THE SUN IS DOWN.
- ONE MOMENT, MA'AM.
WOULD YOU SAY THAT A
MAN WHO HAS CHOPPED WOOD
FOR A FEW HOURS IS FAIR HUNGRY?
- WELL, YES, CERTAINLY.
AND THAT, TO SUCH A MAN, HIS
SUPPER IS MIGHTY IMPORTANT?
- WELL, OF COURSE.
- GOOD.
I'M NOT GOING TO EAT IT.
- WHAT?
- I'M NOT GOING TO TOUCH A
MOUTHFUL OF ANY OF MY FREE MEALS
UNTIL YOU SEE A SIGN.
SOME SIGN THAT'LL
INCLINE YOU TO BELIEVE
THAT... THAT THESE
THINGS WILL COME TO PASS.
- OH, NO.
I... I WOULDN'T ASK YOU
TO DO A THING LIKE THAT.
- OH, YOU HAVE TO EAT...
- IT'S DONE. THE
BARGAIN IS MADE.
TILL TONIGHT... AT
THE FIRE CEREMONY.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- BOY, THIS IS GONNA BE ONE
OF THE WEIRDEST EVENINGS
WE EVER SPENT.
- OH, YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
I JUST HOPE NONE OF
OUR FRIENDS DROP IN
DURING THIS FIREBIRD CEREMONY,
OR THEY'LL HAVE US
LOCKED UP FOR SURE.
[canned laughter] BUD,
DON'T BURN THAT.
THAT'S YOUR SPEECH.
YOU'LL NEED IT.
- NEED IT?
NOW, DON'T TELL ME YOU
BELIEVE ALL THIS STUFF
IS GONNA HELP ME WIN?
- OF COURSE NOT.
NO MORE THAN I BELIEVE
THAT MR. STONEHAUSER WILL
CALL UP BEGGING FOR INSURANCE.
BUT THAT DOESN'T KEEP YOU
FROM FINISHING THE SPEECH.
YOU'VE GOT A GOOD START HERE.
- WELL, IT WILL TAKE MORE
THAN SAGESMAN'S MAGIC
TO MAKE A SPEAKER OUT OF ME.
- OH, HERE'S STONEHAUSER'S
NAME ENGRAVED ON BIRCH BARK.
WHERE DOES IT GO?
- OH, I'LL GIVE IT TO KATHY.
SHE'S WRAPPING ALL THIS
STUFF UP IN A SILK CLOTH.
- DEEP INTO THE FLAMES...
AND REMEMBER THE
WORDS I GAVE YOU.
THERE'S A POWER IN YOU.
- THERE'S A POWER IN ME.
- THERE'S A POWER IN YOU.
- THERE'S A POWER IN ME.
- THERE'S A POWER IN YOU.
- THERE'S A POWER IN ME.
- POWER RELEASE!
FIRE, BURN AND GLOW.
FLAMES FLARE UP, WATCH FORGO.
I HAVE BURNED, FLAMES BLOW HIGH,
BRING GOOD FORTUNE FROM THE SKY.
HIGHER, BURN, BURN, CONSUME!
[phone ringing]
- OH. OH, AH...
UH, EXCUSE ME.
[thuds] OUCH!
[canned laughter]
HELLO.
WHAT?
NO, I'M AFRAID YOU
HAVE THE WRONG PARTY.
WHAT... WHAT'S THAT?
YES, YES, THIS IS MR. ANDERSON.
WHO?
MR. STONEHAUSER?
[canned laughter]
- STONEHAUSER? MOM!
- THAT CAN'T BE.
- IT WORKED!
IT WORKED! OH, MR. SAGEMAN!
- SAY, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
[canned laughter]
- DADDY, LOOK!
- HUH? WHAT?
LOOK AT MY WARTS.
THEY'RE GETTING SMALLER,
AREN'T THEY, DADDY?
- BY GEORGE, I BELIEVE THEY ARE.
STONEHAUSER, HOW
DO YOU SUPPOSE HE...
WELL, SAGEMAN, HOW ABOUT IT?
IS THIS THE SIGN YOU
WERE TALKING ABOUT?
- I'LL LEAVE THAT...
[sighs] TO THE LADY.
- WELL, I... I... I...
[chuckles]
I... I STILL DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
WELL, I MEAN I... I...
[chuckles]
WELL, THERE'S... THERE'S
REALLY NOTHING I CAN SAY
EXCEPT THAT... I HOPE
YOU LIKE LAMBS, TOO.
COME ON, MR. SAGEMAN.
YOU'VE JUST TURNED ME
INTO A COOK AND A BELIEVER.
[canned laughter]
- SAGEMAN...
YOU SEEM TO BE TAKING THIS
ALL PRETTY MUCH IN STRIDE.
TELL ME, ARE YOU
ALWAYS THIS SUCCESSFUL?
- WELL, YOU KNOW, UM...
A LOT OF ACORNS FALL TO EARTH
FROM THE... FROM THE
LIMBS OF AN OAK TREE.
NOT ALL OF THEM
GROW INTO NEW TREES.
I RECKON IT... IT
DEPENDS ON THE...
UNDER WHAT KIND
OF SOIL THEY FALL.
- MR. SAGEMAN!
- COMING, MA'AM!
- WELL, KITTEN, YOU
BETTER GET ONTO BED,
YOU AND YOUR
DISAPPEARING WARTS. [chuckles]
[canned laughter]
YOU TOO, BUD.
- YEAH, OKAY, DAD.
- YOU COMING, BUD?
- YEAH.
SAY, DAD, WOULD IT BE OKAY
IF I, UH, LEFT THE LIGHT ON
MY ROOM FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
I GOT A LITTLE WORK TO DO.
- SURE.
[chuckles]
[comical music]
♪ ♪
[canned laughter]
HELLO. IS THIS THE HOTEL?
UH, DO YOU HAVE A
MR. STONEHAUSER
REGISTERED THERE?
OH, WELL, IF IT'S NOT TOO
LATE WHEN HE COMES IN,
WILL YOU HAVE HIM CALL
MR. JAMES ANDERSON, 4657?
NO, I... I DON'T KNOW HIM,
BUT IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
UH, THANK YOU, YEAH.
[sighs]
OH! WELL. [chuckles]
[canned laughter]
- DON'T KNOW HIM? I
THOUGHT HE JUST CALLED YOU.
- [chuckles] [canned laughter]
HONEY, I HAVE TO CONFESS.
THAT OTHER CALL
WAS A WRONG NUMBER.
I... I PRETENDED IT
WAS STONEHAUSER.
- OH, YOU.
HERE WE WERE ALL
BELIEVING THAT A GREAT...
WELL, THAT'S CHEATING.
- WELL, I DID IT, SO
SAGEMAN COULD EAT.
WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT,
SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO
FAIL IN FRONT OF ALL OF US.
- OH, I SEE.
- CAN YOU OPEN THAT?
- HUH.
BUT, YOU KNOW...
SAGEMAN DIDN'T FAIL.
- THINGS ARE HAPPENING.
- WHAT?
- THAT ONE SPARK WAS
ENOUGH TO MAKE KATHY BELIEVE
HER WARTS WERE GETTING SMALLER.
- IT LOOKS SMALLER TO ME, TOO.
- OH.
- AND BUD, YOU KNOW WHAT HE
DID? HE TOOK HIS SPEECH UPSTAIRS.
- HE'S UPSTAIRS WORKING ON IT.
- HE ISN'T!
- HE IS. HE THINKS
HE CAN DO IT NOW.
AND THAT ENCOURAGED ME TO
PUT IN A CALL TO STONEHAUSER.
SUDDENLY, I FEEL HE'S NOT
OUT OF MY LEAGUE AFTER ALL.
- OH, BUT, JIM, YOU CAUSED
THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN,
NOT SAGEMAN.
- YES, BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE IF
IT HADN'T BEEN FOR SAGEMAN.
DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S
HE'S TRYING TO TELL US?
[phone rings]
IF YOU BELIEVE STRONGLY
ENOUGH, YOU CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS.
HELLO.
YES, THIS IS HE. WHO?
OH, YES, I DID CALL
YOU, MR. STONEHAUSER.
UH... I'D LIKE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT A MATTER OF, UH...
GREAT IMPORTANCE AND... AND
BENEFIT TO YOUR ORGANIZATION.
UH, WELL, AT YOUR
CONVENIENCE, SIR, WHENEVER THE...
[canned laughter]
WHY, THAT WOULD BE FINE.
CERTAINLY. [canned laughter]
ANY TIME YOU
SAY. I'D BE GLAD TO.
[canned applause]
[theme music]
Narrator: ROBERT YOUNG...
AND JANE WYATT.
- [laughter]
- WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...
IN... FATHER KNOWS BEST.
- TIMBER!
TIMBER!
[thuds] [canned laughter]
[comical music]
♪ ♪
[door closes]
BOY, CUTTING LOGS
IS TOUGH WORK...
[canned laughter]
ESPECIALLY WITH A DULL AX.
YOU KNOW, I'D SAVE TIME
IF I WAITED FOR DAD TO
GET THAT AX SHARPENED.
[canned laughter]
YOU KNOW, THAT WOOD'S
PRETTY GREEN, TOO.
ACTUALLY, TO BE
LOGICAL ABOUT THIS,
A FELLA WILL BE SMART
TO LET THAT WOOD DRY OUT
FOR A FEW WEEKS.
DON'T YOU THINK, MOM?
I MEAN, TO BE PERFECTLY
LOGICAL, DON'T YOU THINK SO, MOM?
- OH, HELLO, MRS. WATKINS.
UH, THIS IS MARGARET ANDERSON.
OH, WE'RE FINE.
SAY, IS THAT FELLA YOU
WERE TELLING ABOUT
STILL OVER AT YOUR PLACE?
WELL, THE ONE WHO WAS
CUTTING UP ALL YOUR FIREWOOD.
[chuckles] YES.
WELL, IF HE'S GOOD A
WORKER AS YOU SAY HE IS,
I'D LIKE TO HIRE HIM.
WOULD YOU DO
THAT? [canned laughter]
THANK YOU, MRS.
WATKINS. GOODBYE.
- SAY, MOM, I WAS GONNA
CUT UP THAT FIREWOOD.
- BUT WHEN?
IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE
WE'VE HAD OUR TREES TOPPED.
AND HOW MUCH FIREWOOD
HAVE YOU CHOPPED?
ONE SKINNY LITTLE BRANCH.
- IT WASN'T SO SKINNY.
- YOU JUST STALL AROUND,
NEVER FINISH ANYTHING.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND
IN YOUR WASTEBASKET,
THE SPEECH YOU STARTED TO
WRITE FOR THE SCHOOL CONTEST.
WELL, HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO WIN
IF YOU WON'T EVEN
WRITE A SPEECH?
- WELL, MY PENCIL BROKE.
- [sighs] [canned laughter]
IF YOU WANNA WIN,
IT'S A WONDERFUL
PRIZE THE WINNER GETS,
A TRIP TO WASHINGTON D.C.
- OH, SURE I WANNA WIN,
BUT I CAN'T COMPETE WITH
THOSE GENIUSES IN THE CONTEST.
- WELL, HOW DO YOU
KNOW IF YOU WON'T TRY?
HERE. AT LEAST WORK ON IT.
IT SEEMS TO ME
THAT WHEN A BOY GETS A
WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY LIKE...
KATHY, WHERE ARE YOU
TAKING THAT DISHCLOTH?
- I'M TRYING TO GET
RID OF THESE WARTS.
PATTY DAVIS SAID, "IF YOU
TAKE A STOLEN DISHRAG
AND BURY IT IN THE
GROUND AND THEN..."
- THAT'S A RIDICULOUS
SUPERSTITION.
I DON'T WANT ANY OF MY
GOOD DISHCLOTHS BURIED.
- YEAH, YOU CAN'T GET
RID OF WARTS THAT WAY.
IT'S NOT LOGICAL.
- THE DOCTOR SAID STOP
WORRYING AND THEY'D GO AWAY.
I THINK THEY'RE GETTING SMALLER.
- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
[car horn honks]
- WELL, YOUR FATHER'S
HOME ALREADY.
HE PROBABLY CAME HOME EARLY TO
STACK ALL THAT FIREWOOD YOU CUT.
[canned laughter]
- [laughs]
- [sighs] BUD.
BUD, COME OUT HERE.
- YOU CALLED ME, DAD?
- YES.
I'LL ADMIT THIS MAKES A
PICTURESQUE WOODLAND SCENE,
VERY SUITABLE FOR TRAPPING
GROUSE, BUT I DO FEEL THAT...
- NOW, WAIT, DAD,
LET ME EXPLAIN.
I STARTED TO CUT THE WOOD,
BUT MOM YANKED THE JOB
RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER ME
BY HIRING SOME MAN TO DO IT.
- HIRING SOME MAN?
- RIGHT WHEN I WAS
GETTING INTO HIGH GEAR, TOO.
[canned laughter] IT
JUST MADE ME SICK.
- HMM. WELL, COME ON, I'LL
GET YOUR JOB BACK FOR YOU.
- NO, NO, WAIT, DAD.
I... I DON'T WANNA BEAT
AN OLD MAN OUT OF A JOB.
I DON'T WANT THAT
ON MY CONSCIENCE.
- THAT'S ABOUT WHAT I FIGURED.
- YEAH, A GUY CAN'T BE
THINKING OF HIMSELF ALL THE TIME.
- OH, CERTAINLY NOT.
[canned laughter]
[chuckles]
DID YOU KNOW WE HAVE
A VERY UNSELFISH SON?
HE WOULDN'T THINK OF
TAKING THE JOB AWAY
FROM THAT OLD MAN THAT YOU...
BY THE WAY, HOW MUCH IS THAT
UNSELFISHNESS GONNA COST ME?
[canned laughter]
- WELL, IT SOUNDS SILLY,
BUT APPARENTLY ALL
HE WANTS IS HIS MEALS.
HE'S WORKED A FEW
DAYS FOR MRS. WATKINS
AND THAT'S ALL HE'D ACCEPT.
- WELL, THAT'S ODD.
HE CAN'T BE MUCH OF
A WORKER FOR THAT.
- OH, MRS. WATKINS
SAYS HE'S TERRIFIC.
SHE SAYS HE'S ABOUT 190 YEARS
OLD AND WORKS LIKE A DEMON.
- SO YOU CAN SEE, DAD,
IT'D BE VERY UNFAIR TO
CHEAT A MAN HIS AGE OUT OF A...
- OH, CUT IT OUT.
[canned laughter]
- I WANT YOU TO GO IN AND
WORK ON YOUR SPEECH.
WHAT WOULD YOU THINK OF A
BOY WHO HAS AN OPPORTUNITY
TO ENTER A SPEECH CONTEST...
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- HOW DO YOU DO, UH... SIR?
- AN HONEST DAY'S WORK
FOR AN HONEST MEAL.
THOSE ARE MY TERMS.
NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.
FAIR, EQUITABLE.
- OH, YOU'RE THE MAN
FROM MRS. WATKINS.
[chuckles]
WELL, YES, THAT'S FAIR ENOUGH,
BUT WE HAVE A LOT
OF WOOD TO CHOP.
I'M AFRAID I'D BE CHEATING YOU.
- NO MAN CAN CHEAT ME.
WOOD TO CHOP?
HMM...
FROM NOW TILL SUNDOWN...
TILL HIGH MERIDIAN TOMORROW.
THAT'S THE MEASURE OF IT.
- THE MEASURE OF WHAT?
- YOUR LABOR TIME, SIR.
BY NOON TOMORROW,
THE LAST LOG WILL BE CUT,
SPLIT, TRIMMED, AND STACKED,
AND I'LL BE HEADING YONDER.
IT'D BE THREE
MEALS... ONE TONIGHT,
ONE IN THE MORNING,
AND ONE AT NOON.
EQUITABLE?
- [chuckles] YES.
- BUT I STILL...
- DONE.
- WELL, UM, UH, WOULD
YOU LIKE YOUR SUPPER NOW?
- I HAVEN'T EARNED IT YET.
I'LL HAVE IT AT SUNDOWN.
- OH, WELL, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- SAGEMAN.
- UM, THAT AX MIGHT
BE A LITTLE DULL.
- OH, THEY MOST GENERAL ARE.
BUT I HAVE A FILE TO FIX IT.
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS
HOW GOOD'S THE STEEL.
THAT GOES FOR BOTH AXES AND MEN.
THE HEAP SIDE OF THE STEEL,
THAT'S IN MEN, IS MIGHTY DULL,
AND THAT'S WHERE I COME IN.
YOU KNOW, ONE DAY
THE ALMIGHTY SAID TO ME,
"SAGEMAN, EVERY MAN IS
PUT HERE FOR A REASON,
"AND YOURS IS TO ROAM THE EARTH
"AND SHARPEN UP THE
STEEL INSIDE OF MEN,
SO THEY CAN PUT IT TO GOOD USE."
THAT'S THE POWER I GOT, SON.
[scraping]
- HI, ANYBODY HOME?
- HELLO, ED.
- HELLO, ED, COME ON IN.
- HI, MARGARET. I CAN'T STAY.
I WAS JUST ANXIOUS TO
HEAR HOW YOU MADE OUT
WITH MR. STONEHAUSER TODAY, JIM.
DID YOU GET HIM INTERESTED
IN THAT INSURANCE DEAL?
- NO, ED, I DIDN'T CALL HIM.
- YOU DIDN'T CALL HIM?
MARGARET, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THIS HUSBAND OF YOURS?
DOES HE HATE MONEY?
- HE DOESN'T GET THE
CHANCE TO KEEP ANY OF IT
LONG ENOUGH TO FIND OUT.
- HERE AM I TO DIG UP A
RED-HOT DEAL FOR HIM.
THE FELLA WHO'S
GONNA BE HEAD MAN
AT THAT BIG AUTO ASSEMBLY PLANT
IS COMING INTO THE
WEST END OF TOWN,
CHECKED INTO THE
HOTEL YESTERDAY.
THERE'S A CHANCE
FOR A WHOPPING BIG
GROUP INSURANCE
POLICY ON THE EMPLOYEES,
AND WHAT DOES HE DO?
NOTHING.
- ED, I'VE LOOKED INTO
THIS KIND OF DEAL BEFORE.
MY TALKING TO THIS
MR. STONEHAUSER
WOULD BE A WASTE OF TIME.
IT'S ALL HANDLED BY THEIR
TOP BRASS IN DETROIT.
JUST OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
- I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING
WAS OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.
- NO, DAD, AND WHAT
YOU ALWAYS JUST TELL ME,
SHOOT FOR THE MOON.
AND JUST THINK ALL THAT
COMMISSION YOU'LL MAKE.
- I BETTER LET YOU PEOPLE
HANDLE MY BUSINESS.
YOU SEEM TO KNOW
MORE ABOUT IT THAN I DO.
[canned laughter]
OH, ED, LOOK, YOU SEE
THAT OLD FELLA OUT THERE?
HE KNOWS EXACTLY HOW
MUCH WOOD HE CAN CHOP,
AND HOW MUCH HIS WORK IS WORTH,
AND HE HAS ENOUGH
SENSE TO STICK TO IT.
NOW THAT'S WHAT I TRY
TO DO IN MY BUSINESS.
- I AGREE, YOU'RE
A WOOD CHOPPER,
NOT AN INSURANCE
SALESMAN. [canned laughter]
- [laughs]
- YOU KNOW, I GOT
A NICE SUSPICION,
YOU DON'T QUITE BELIEVE ME.
YOU'LL FIND OUT I CAN DO
SOME MIGHTY AMAZING THINGS.
- LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, I CAN BLAST
THROUGH LIGHTNING
WITH A LONG STRAND OF SEAWEED.
AND I CAN SPEAR A HAWK
IN THE FULLEST FLIGHT.
AND I CAN BRAID MOON
BEAMS INTO A BUGGY WHIP.
[thuds]
- CAN YOU GET RID OF WARTS?
[canned laughter]
- LET ME SEE.
WELL, THIS IS NOT SIMPLE TO DO,
BUT WE CAN DO IT.
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT, YOUNG'UN?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
BUT IF IT'S SUCH STUFF ABOUT
BURYING A STOLEN DISHRAG, I...
- NO! THAT'S SUPERSTITION.
WE'LL DO THIS SCIENTIFIC.
- YEAH?
- WE'LL BURN THEM OFF.
- HUH?
- NOW, DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL TRANSFER 'EM FIRST
AND YOU WON'T FEEL A THING.
NOW, FIRST, YOU GET
A LONG GREEN BEAN
AND YOU CUT IT INTO...
WELL, HOW MANY
WARTS DO YOU HAVE?
- FIVE.
- NOW, YOU CUT THE
BEAN INTO FIVE PIECES
AND DIP THEM IN BACON FAT,
AND TOUCH ONE TO EACH WART.
- THAT TRANSFERS 'EM?
- NO, THAT JUST UNLOCKS THEM,
AND A SLICE OF RED
ONION DRAWS THEM OUT,
AND FIVE TWIGS
FROM A BIRD'S NEST
GIVES THEM FLIGHT.
- OH, HI, DADDY!
- OH, KEEP GOING,
SOUNDS INTERESTING.
- HE SAYS THIS IS... SCIENTIFIC.
- WHY, OF COURSE,
ANYONE CAN SEE THAT.
- ALL RIGHT, YOUNG'UN,
YOU GATHER UP THE MAKING.
AND GET A PIECE OF SILK
CLOTH AND A SILK THREAD, TOO.
AND TONIGHT AFTER DARK,
WE'LL HAVE THE BONFIRE
AND THE INCANTATION.
- A WHAT?
- A FIRE CEREMONY.
YOU RUN.
AND TAKE CARE WHEN
YOU GET THOSE TWIGS
THAT YOU DON'T TOUCH
THE INSIDE OF THE NEST
OR THE MAMA BIRD
WON'T COME BACK TO IT.
- [laughing]
THAT'S QUITE A RIGMAROLE.
THAT OUGHT TO KEEP
HER BUSY FOR A WHILE.
UH, WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SAGEMAN?
- FROM?
OH, YOU NAME IT, SIR,
AND I'M FROM THERE.
- THE ONE PLACE I'D NAME
IS BACK IN THE HILL COUNTRY.
I'D GUESS THAT'S
WHERE YOU PICKED UP
SOME OF YOUR, UH, SCIENCE.
- I'VE BEEN THERE.
- DADDY, COME HERE, I NEED YOU!
- ALL RIGHT, KITTEN,
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
EXCUSE ME, SAGEMAN.
- KEEP GOING, DADDY,
JUST A LITTLE FARTHER.
- YEAH, I JUST HOPE SAGEMAN HAS
A CURE FOR BROKEN NECKS TOO.
[canned laughter]
- BE CAREFUL NOW AND DON'T
TOUCH THE INSIDE OF THE BIRD'S NEST,
AND GET FIVE TWIGS.
- ALL RIGHT, TARZAN,
JUST WHAT THE
DEVIL ARE YOU DOING?
- HUH?
OH, HELLO, ED. [chuckles]
WELL, I, UH...
WELL, I'M REMOVING WARTS.
- WELL, ASK A SILLY QUESTION,
YOU GET A SILLY ANSWER.
LOOK, JIM, IF YOU'VE GOT TIME
TO MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF,
WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOT TIME TO GET
ON THAT PHONE TO STONEHAUSER.
THIS IS A GOLDEN
OPPORTUNITY, BOY!
- ED, I APPRECIATE
YOUR INTEREST,
BUT I TOLD YOU, I
CAN'T GET THAT DEAL.
IT'S RIDICULOUS TO
EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
- OH, MAN, I GIVE UP.
TRYING TO DO A FELLA A FAVOR.
- YOU KNOW, MAYBE MR. SAGEMAN
COULD HELP YOU, DADDY.
I MEAN, GET THAT DEAL
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.
- [chuckles]
OH, I THINK SAGEMAN
WILL HAVE ALL HE CAN DO
WITH THIS ONE-FIRE
WART CEREMONY.
- I WONDER IF HE
COULD HELP YOU, DADDY.
I WONDER.
- ED'S PRETTY DISGUSTED WITH ME.
I THINK HE WAS FIGURING
OUT ME THROWING HIM
SOME OF OUR ACCOUNTING
WORK AS A RETURN FAVOR
IF I SOLD THAT BIG
INSURANCE DEAL.
- AND YOU PROBABLY
WON'T SELL ANY INSURANCE,
IF IT GETS OUT THAT YOU
GO AROUND STEALING TWIGS
OUT OF BIRDS' NESTS.
- NOW, I DON'T WANNA
HEAR ANY OF THAT STUFF.
- WELL, DON'T YOU THINK
THE ENCYCLOPEDIA KNOWS
MORE THAN SAGEMAN?
- NO. AND I GOT THE SILK CLOTH
AND THE SILK THREAD, DADDY.
- GOOD.
- LOOK, SQUEEGEE, WHAT POSSIBLE
CONNECTION COULD THERE BE
BETWEEN THE JUNK
THAT YOU'RE GATHERING
AND... AND GETTING RID OF WARTS.
IT... IT'S NOT LOGICAL.
- I'M WITH YOU, BUD.
- WHY DON'T YOU USE YOUR BEAN?
- I AM. I'M USING GREEN BEANS.
DO WE HAVE ANY
GREEN BEANS, MOMMY?
- I HOPE NOT.
[canned laughter]
- LISTEN TO THIS, MUTTONHEAD.
ORDINARY FLAT WARTS OCCUR
MOSTLY UPON THE HANDS OF CHILDREN,
FREQUENTLY APPEARING, SUDDENLY,
AND DISAPPEARING
WITH EQUAL SUDDENNESS.
HENCE, THE SUPPOSED
EFFECTIVENESS OF CHARMS
TO REMOVE THEM.
- SO?
- SO IT'S NOT LOGICAL. AND
YOU GOT ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD.
- I BETTER ASK MR. SAGEMAN
IF THESE ARE THE
RIGHT KIND OF BEANS.
- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TAKE THE WHOLE SACK.
[sighs]
WELL, I'M AGAINST THIS,
AND... AND I THINK WE
SHOULD PUT A STOP TO IT.
- WELL, I'M A LITTLE SORRY
TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO
THE BIG FIRE CEREMONY TONIGHT.
- THE WHAT?
- WHAT'S A FIRE CEREMONY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
[laughing]
BUT WITH SAGEMAN HANDLING IT,
YOU COULD BE SURE IT
WILL BE MIGHTY IMPRESSIVE.
IT ISN'T EVERY DAY
YOU GET A CHANCE TO
SEE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
- FORTUNATELY.
- YOU SEE, DAD, YOU DON'T
BELIEVE THAT SAGEMAN
HAS ALL THESE POWERS
HE SAYS HE HAS, DO YOU?
- OH, I'D SAY HE, UH,
STRETCHES A POINT OR TWO.
- OH, STANDS TO A REASON,
'CAUSE IF HE HAD ALL THAT POWER,
WELL, HE COULD HAVE
ANYTHING HE WANTED.
CARS, MANSIONS, EVERYTHING.
BUT WHAT HAS HE GOT? NOTHING.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- ALL HE'S GOT IS A BED ROLL,
A MESS KIT, AND AN OLD BIBLE.
- AND THOSE ARE PRETTY
FUNDAMENTAL POSSESSIONS, SON.
- WELL, I... I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT BOTHERS ME.
HE HAS KATHY DOING
THESE RIDICULOUS THINGS.
HE HAS YOU CLIMBING
TREES, ROBBING BIRDS' NEST.
WELL, HE'S MAKING A
FOOL OF YOU, OF US.
- WELL, I KNOW IT
SEEMS THAT WAY,
BUT I LEARNED FROM MY FATHER
THAT IT ALL DEPENDS
ON YOUR POINT OF VIEW,
WHETHER YOU'RE BEING
MADE A FOOL OF OR NOT.
- I DON'T SEE WHAT POINT
OF VIEW HAS TO DO WITH IT.
- WELL, WHEN I WAS A BOY,
A FABULOUS CHARACTER WHO
CALL HIMSELF SQUIRE ALBERT,
USED TO COME TO TOWN IN HIS RED
AND YELLOW WAGON SELLING, UM...
OH, WHAT DID HE CALL IT? UM...
[chuckles] HIBLER'S
MEDICATED SOAP.
YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD THE
CLAIMS HE MADE FOR THAT SOAP.
INSTANT BEAUTY,
TOOK AWAY WRINKLES,
CURED RHEUMATISM,
DID EVERYTHING.
HE CHARGED $4 A BOX FOR IT,
AND IT WASN'T WORTH 30 CENTS.
A LOT OF PEOPLE FELT HE
CHEATED THEM PRETTY BADLY.
- I SHOULDN'T WONDER.
- BUT DAD BOUGHT SOAP FROM
HIM EVERY YEAR HE CAME TO TOWN.
- YEAH?
- [chuckles]
BUT IT WASN'T THE
SOAP THAT HE WANTED.
HE GAVE THAT AWAY.
UH, HE FELT THAT SQUIRE ALBERT
WITH HIS FLAMBOYANT ANTICS,
AND HIS SPELLBINDING
SPIEL PUT ON A GREAT SHOW,
AND THAT'S WHAT
HE WAS PAYING FOR.
SO, WHERE OTHERS FELT
THAT THEY WERE BEING JIPPED,
DAD FELT THAT HE GOT MORE
THAN HIS MONEY'S WORTH.
HMM, IT'S ALL ON
YOUR POINT OF VIEW.
- HE SAID THE BEANS
WOULD WORK FINE.
OH, AND, DADDY, HE SAID HE'LL
BE GLAD TO HELP YOU, TOO.
- OH, WELL, FINE.
- WHAT'S THIS?
- HAVE YOU GOT WARTS, TOO, DAD?
- [laughs]
NO, EVIDENTLY, THIS HAS TO DO
WITH THAT GROUP INSURANCE DEAL.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S NICE.
NOW, I SUPPOSE
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS JUST WAIT FOR
MR. STONEHAUSER TO CALL YOU.
- I BELIEVE I'LL ASK HIM
FOR SOMETHING, TOO.
SAY LIKE, UH, A YACHT OR...
- WHAT YOU BETTER ASK HIM FOR
IS THE INITIATIVE TO GET
STARTED ON THAT SPEECH.
MOM, IF I THOUGHT I EVEN
HAD AN OUTSIDE CHANCE, I'D...
- KATHY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, I HAVE TO PUT THIS
BEAN IN THE BAKING GREASE.
OH, SAY, I WAS SUPPOSED TO
ASK YOU WHERE WE CAN HAVE
THE BIG BONFIRE TONIGHT.
- BONFIRE?
WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE
A BONFIRE IN THE CITY.
WHY THE FIRE DEPARTMENT
WOULD COME CLANGING UP
THEN A BIG CROWD
OF PEOPLE WILL...
JIM,
NOW, HE'S GOING TOO FAR.
NOW, YOU GO OUT THERE,
AND YOU TELL HIM TO
STICK TO HIS WOODCUTTING.
NO, I'D BETTER GO.
YOU'LL JUST HELP
HIM BUILD A FIRE.
[canned laughter]
- [chuckles] [door opens]
NOW, THIS I DON'T WANNA MISS.
- MR. SAGEMAN,
WE ENGAGED YOU TO CUT WOOD,
AND I... I MUST SAY YOU'RE
DOING A... A VERY GOOD JOB.
BUT, UH... [rasping]
WELL, THAT'S ALL WE WANT DONE.
ALL THIS NONSENSE
ABOUT BONFIRES,
AND BEES, AND BIRDS' NEST,
WELL, I JUST RATHER
YOU... YOU... YOU DROP THAT.
- YES, MA'AM.
- DO YOU THINK I'M A FAKE?
- OH, WELL, I...
WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
A LOT OF FOLKS DO.
AND IF YOU THINK THAT WAY, I
COULDN'T HELP YOU NO WAYS,
BUT, NOW, IF... IF YOU WAS
TO BELIEVE IN ME, JUST A MITE.
- MR. SAGEMAN...
- I KNOW IT'S KINDA HARD
TO BELIEVE IN AN OLD MAN
WHO... WHO WONDERS
ABOUT IN WORN-DOWN BOOTS,
WHY DOESN'T HE USE HIS
POWER ON HIMSELF, YOU SAY?
WELL, YOU SEE, MA'AM,
THAT A WAY I... I'D USE IT UP.
AND I WOULDN'T HAVE ANY
LEFT TO USE ON OTHER FOLKS.
ONE PLOT OF GROUND WILL
ONLY GROW SO MUCH GRAIN.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT.
- BESIDES I HAVE EVERYTHING.
- EVERYTHING?
- MY HOME RUNS FROM SEA TO
SEA, WITH A CEILING THAT STRETCHES
AS FAR AS THE EYE
OF A MAN CAN TRAVEL,
AND MY CEILING CHANGES COLOR
EVERY MORNING AND EVERY EVENING.
HMM, NO MAN CAN
ROB ME OF MY HOME.
NO MAN CAN KEEP ME OUT OF IT.
I HAVE THE FREEDOM TO ROAM,
AND THE TIME TO
ENJOY WHAT I SEE.
I'VE BATHED IN EVERY RIVER.
I... I'VE CLIMBED
EVERY MOUNTAINTOP.
[crickets chirping]
I'VE DRANK THE PURE
DROPS OF A MELTING GLACIER.
WHAT I HAVE, NO MAN
CAN TAKE FROM ME.
FOR MY KIND OF LIFE, I... I
HAVE EVERYTHING I WANT.
MOST FOLKS DON'T ALL
WANT THE SAME KIND OF LIFE...
OR THE SAME KIND OF THINGS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU BOY, WHAT DO
YOU THINK YOU WANT?
A LONG, SHINY, FANCY,
ZIPPEROO AUTOMOBILE?
- WELL, YEAH, SURE.
[chuckles]
[canned laughter]
- DO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IT?
- WELL, NO, BUT YOU COULD.
- I ASKED, "DO YOU
THINK YOU COULD?"
- NO.
- THEN DON'T ASK IT.
- HUH?
- I KNOW WHAT HE WANTS.
HE WANTS TO WIN
THAT SPEECH CONTEST.
- GEE, YES.
AND YOU, SIR, YOU WANNA SELL
A CERTAIN BIG INSURANCE DEAL?
- WELL...
- I DON'T HOLD WITH
MATERIAL THINGS
UNLESS THEY'RE PUT TO GOOD USE.
BUT I JUDGE YOU
TO BE SUCH A MAN.
SO, NOW, HERE'S MY INSTRUCTIONS.
BOY, YOU WRITE THE NAME OF YOUR
SPEECH ON A PIECE OF BIRCH BARK,
AND YOU, SIR, THE NAME
OF THE MAN YOU AIM TO SELL,
AND THEN TONIGHT AT
THE FIRE CEREMONY...
- WE AREN'T GONNA
HAVE A BONFIRE.
- HMM?
- MOMMY SAYS WE CAN'T.
- WELL, IT'S NOT ME, THERE'S
A CITY ORDINANCE AGAINST IT.
WELL, I DIDN'T PASS
THE ORDINANCE.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
IF YOU MUST HAVE A FIRE,
I... I SUPPOSE YOU CAN
HAVE IT ON THE FIREPLACE.
- OH, THANK YOU, MOMMY.
BUT THIS DOESN'T MEAN I
BELIEVE ANY OF THIS FALDERAL,
UNDERSTAND THAT.
I'LL, UH, GO IN AND MAKE
YOUR SUPPER, MR. SAGEMAN.
THE SUN IS DOWN.
- ONE MOMENT, MA'AM.
WOULD YOU SAY THAT A
MAN WHO HAS CHOPPED WOOD
FOR A FEW HOURS IS FAIR HUNGRY?
- WELL, YES, CERTAINLY.
AND THAT, TO SUCH A MAN, HIS
SUPPER IS MIGHTY IMPORTANT?
- WELL, OF COURSE.
- GOOD.
I'M NOT GOING TO EAT IT.
- WHAT?
- I'M NOT GOING TO TOUCH A
MOUTHFUL OF ANY OF MY FREE MEALS
UNTIL YOU SEE A SIGN.
SOME SIGN THAT'LL
INCLINE YOU TO BELIEVE
THAT... THAT THESE
THINGS WILL COME TO PASS.
- OH, NO.
I... I WOULDN'T ASK YOU
TO DO A THING LIKE THAT.
- OH, YOU HAVE TO EAT...
- IT'S DONE. THE
BARGAIN IS MADE.
TILL TONIGHT... AT
THE FIRE CEREMONY.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- BOY, THIS IS GONNA BE ONE
OF THE WEIRDEST EVENINGS
WE EVER SPENT.
- OH, YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
I JUST HOPE NONE OF
OUR FRIENDS DROP IN
DURING THIS FIREBIRD CEREMONY,
OR THEY'LL HAVE US
LOCKED UP FOR SURE.
[canned laughter] BUD,
DON'T BURN THAT.
THAT'S YOUR SPEECH.
YOU'LL NEED IT.
- NEED IT?
NOW, DON'T TELL ME YOU
BELIEVE ALL THIS STUFF
IS GONNA HELP ME WIN?
- OF COURSE NOT.
NO MORE THAN I BELIEVE
THAT MR. STONEHAUSER WILL
CALL UP BEGGING FOR INSURANCE.
BUT THAT DOESN'T KEEP YOU
FROM FINISHING THE SPEECH.
YOU'VE GOT A GOOD START HERE.
- WELL, IT WILL TAKE MORE
THAN SAGESMAN'S MAGIC
TO MAKE A SPEAKER OUT OF ME.
- OH, HERE'S STONEHAUSER'S
NAME ENGRAVED ON BIRCH BARK.
WHERE DOES IT GO?
- OH, I'LL GIVE IT TO KATHY.
SHE'S WRAPPING ALL THIS
STUFF UP IN A SILK CLOTH.
- DEEP INTO THE FLAMES...
AND REMEMBER THE
WORDS I GAVE YOU.
THERE'S A POWER IN YOU.
- THERE'S A POWER IN ME.
- THERE'S A POWER IN YOU.
- THERE'S A POWER IN ME.
- THERE'S A POWER IN YOU.
- THERE'S A POWER IN ME.
- POWER RELEASE!
FIRE, BURN AND GLOW.
FLAMES FLARE UP, WATCH FORGO.
I HAVE BURNED, FLAMES BLOW HIGH,
BRING GOOD FORTUNE FROM THE SKY.
HIGHER, BURN, BURN, CONSUME!
[phone ringing]
- OH. OH, AH...
UH, EXCUSE ME.
[thuds] OUCH!
[canned laughter]
HELLO.
WHAT?
NO, I'M AFRAID YOU
HAVE THE WRONG PARTY.
WHAT... WHAT'S THAT?
YES, YES, THIS IS MR. ANDERSON.
WHO?
MR. STONEHAUSER?
[canned laughter]
- STONEHAUSER? MOM!
- THAT CAN'T BE.
- IT WORKED!
IT WORKED! OH, MR. SAGEMAN!
- SAY, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
[canned laughter]
- DADDY, LOOK!
- HUH? WHAT?
LOOK AT MY WARTS.
THEY'RE GETTING SMALLER,
AREN'T THEY, DADDY?
- BY GEORGE, I BELIEVE THEY ARE.
STONEHAUSER, HOW
DO YOU SUPPOSE HE...
WELL, SAGEMAN, HOW ABOUT IT?
IS THIS THE SIGN YOU
WERE TALKING ABOUT?
- I'LL LEAVE THAT...
[sighs] TO THE LADY.
- WELL, I... I... I...
[chuckles]
I... I STILL DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
WELL, I MEAN I... I...
[chuckles]
WELL, THERE'S... THERE'S
REALLY NOTHING I CAN SAY
EXCEPT THAT... I HOPE
YOU LIKE LAMBS, TOO.
COME ON, MR. SAGEMAN.
YOU'VE JUST TURNED ME
INTO A COOK AND A BELIEVER.
[canned laughter]
- SAGEMAN...
YOU SEEM TO BE TAKING THIS
ALL PRETTY MUCH IN STRIDE.
TELL ME, ARE YOU
ALWAYS THIS SUCCESSFUL?
- WELL, YOU KNOW, UM...
A LOT OF ACORNS FALL TO EARTH
FROM THE... FROM THE
LIMBS OF AN OAK TREE.
NOT ALL OF THEM
GROW INTO NEW TREES.
I RECKON IT... IT
DEPENDS ON THE...
UNDER WHAT KIND
OF SOIL THEY FALL.
- MR. SAGEMAN!
- COMING, MA'AM!
- WELL, KITTEN, YOU
BETTER GET ONTO BED,
YOU AND YOUR
DISAPPEARING WARTS. [chuckles]
[canned laughter]
YOU TOO, BUD.
- YEAH, OKAY, DAD.
- YOU COMING, BUD?
- YEAH.
SAY, DAD, WOULD IT BE OKAY
IF I, UH, LEFT THE LIGHT ON
MY ROOM FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
I GOT A LITTLE WORK TO DO.
- SURE.
[chuckles]
[comical music]
♪ ♪
[canned laughter]
HELLO. IS THIS THE HOTEL?
UH, DO YOU HAVE A
MR. STONEHAUSER
REGISTERED THERE?
OH, WELL, IF IT'S NOT TOO
LATE WHEN HE COMES IN,
WILL YOU HAVE HIM CALL
MR. JAMES ANDERSON, 4657?
NO, I... I DON'T KNOW HIM,
BUT IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
UH, THANK YOU, YEAH.
[sighs]
OH! WELL. [chuckles]
[canned laughter]
- DON'T KNOW HIM? I
THOUGHT HE JUST CALLED YOU.
- [chuckles] [canned laughter]
HONEY, I HAVE TO CONFESS.
THAT OTHER CALL
WAS A WRONG NUMBER.
I... I PRETENDED IT
WAS STONEHAUSER.
- OH, YOU.
HERE WE WERE ALL
BELIEVING THAT A GREAT...
WELL, THAT'S CHEATING.
- WELL, I DID IT, SO
SAGEMAN COULD EAT.
WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT,
SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO
FAIL IN FRONT OF ALL OF US.
- OH, I SEE.
- CAN YOU OPEN THAT?
- HUH.
BUT, YOU KNOW...
SAGEMAN DIDN'T FAIL.
- THINGS ARE HAPPENING.
- WHAT?
- THAT ONE SPARK WAS
ENOUGH TO MAKE KATHY BELIEVE
HER WARTS WERE GETTING SMALLER.
- IT LOOKS SMALLER TO ME, TOO.
- OH.
- AND BUD, YOU KNOW WHAT HE
DID? HE TOOK HIS SPEECH UPSTAIRS.
- HE'S UPSTAIRS WORKING ON IT.
- HE ISN'T!
- HE IS. HE THINKS
HE CAN DO IT NOW.
AND THAT ENCOURAGED ME TO
PUT IN A CALL TO STONEHAUSER.
SUDDENLY, I FEEL HE'S NOT
OUT OF MY LEAGUE AFTER ALL.
- OH, BUT, JIM, YOU CAUSED
THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN,
NOT SAGEMAN.
- YES, BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE IF
IT HADN'T BEEN FOR SAGEMAN.
DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S
HE'S TRYING TO TELL US?
[phone rings]
IF YOU BELIEVE STRONGLY
ENOUGH, YOU CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS.
HELLO.
YES, THIS IS HE. WHO?
OH, YES, I DID CALL
YOU, MR. STONEHAUSER.
UH... I'D LIKE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT A MATTER OF, UH...
GREAT IMPORTANCE AND... AND
BENEFIT TO YOUR ORGANIZATION.
UH, WELL, AT YOUR
CONVENIENCE, SIR, WHENEVER THE...
[canned laughter]
WHY, THAT WOULD BE FINE.
CERTAINLY. [canned laughter]
ANY TIME YOU
SAY. I'D BE GLAD TO.
[canned applause]
[theme music]