Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 3, Episode 25 - An Evening to Remember - full transcript

♪ ♪

Narrator: ROBERT YOUNG...

AND JANE WYATT...

- [laughter]

- WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...

IN FATHER KNOWS BEST.

- NO, NO, HONEY.

I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN

THAT WE'RE GOING OVER
TO THE PHILLIPS' TONIGHT,

BUT I SIMPLY HAVE TO RUN
OUT AND SEE THIS CLIENT.

WHAT?



OH, ALL RIGHT, I'LL
PICK UP THE BABYSITTER.

[canned laughter]

WELL, IT'S A LITTLE OUT
OF MY WAY, BUT I'LL... UH?

NO, NO, I'LL TRY NOT TO BE LATE.

[chuckles] EH, GOODBYE, HONEY

- UH, WOULD YOU HAVE TIME
TO RETURN THESE TWO CALLS

BEFORE YOU LEAVE?

- WELL, I'M LATE NOW.
ARE THEY IMPORTANT?

MR. HANSEN? WHAT'S
HE STEWING ABOUT NOW?

- WELL, HE WOULDN'T SAY.

HE SAID IT WAS
CONFIDENTIAL AND VERY BIG.

HE SOUNDED VERY EXCITED.

- EVERYTHING TO HIM IS VERY BIG.

HE CARRIES THE CHEAPEST KIND
OF INSURANCE HE CAN GET BY WITH,



AND YOU'D THINK HE
OWNED THE COMPANY.

- WHAT'S THE OTHER CALL?
- UH, MR. WILDE,

HE CALLED FROM THE
HIGHWAY SERVICE STATION.

HE SAID THAT IT WAS
IMPORTANT HE SEE YOU TONIGHT

BECAUSE HE'S ONLY GONNA
BE IN TOWN THIS EVENING.

- WELL, I'M NOT GONNA
BE HOME VERY LONG.

BUT IF HE CALLS BACK,
GIVE HIM MY HOME ADDRESS.

AND PUT OFF MR. HANSEN
UNTIL TOMORROW.

[phone rings] SEE
YOU IN THE MORNING.

- GENERAL INSURANCE COMPANY.

[door closes] OH.

OH, NO, MR. HANSEN, HE'S LEFT.

WELL, I... I DOUBT IF YOU COULD
FIND HIM AT HOME BECAUSE HE...

[hangs up]

[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

[phone rings]

- I'LL GET IT!

HELLO?

WHO'S CALLING?

OH, NO, MR. HANSEN,
HE'S NOT HOME YET.

OH, COULD I PLEASE
TAKE A MESSAGE?

[hangs up]

[canned laughter]

[doorbell dings]

[canned laughter]

- I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, MISS,

BUT, UH, I'M TRYING TO
FIND A MR. ANDERSON

WHO IS WITH THE GENERAL
INSURANCE COMPANY.

- THIS IS HE...

UM, HE'S... HE LIVES HERE,

BUT... BUT HE ISN'T
HOME RIGHT NOW.

- I... IF YOU COULD TELL
ME WHEN YOU EXPECT HIM,

I'LL COME BACK THEN.

- OH, WE... WELL, HE... HE
SHOULD BE SOON PRETTY HOME.

[canned laughter]

[chuckles] I MEAN,
HOME PRETTY SOON.

UH... MEANING, YEAH.

WO... WOULD YOU CARE
TO COME IN AND WAIT?

- THANK YOU.

IT IS IMPORTANT THAT I SEE HIM.

- WELL, JUST COME RIGHT IN.

[canned laughter]
- THANK YOU.

♪ ♪

[canned laughter]

- WO... WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SIT HERE?

- THANKS.

♪ ♪

[canned laughter]
- [laughs]

- I... IF FATHER ARRIVES BEFORE
HE GETS HERE, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

[canned laughter]

- THANK YOU.

THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.

[canned laughter]

- CAN I TAKE YOUR HAT?

- OH, NO, THANKS.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR. I'M FINE.

♪ ♪

[canned laughter]

- [chuckles]

[canned laughter]

- EXCUSE ME.

[canned laughter]

[pants]

- WHO WAS IT?

- WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- MOTHER, GUESS!

OH, NO, IT COULDN'T BE.
IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE.

[canned laughter]

- BUT YET...
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- COME WITH ME. I WANNA
SEE WHAT YOU THINK.

- BE QUIET.
- WHAT? UGH.

- WHERE ARE YOU...?
- SHH.

[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

[canned laughter]

♪ ♪

[canned laughter]

WELL, IS IT?

- OH, IT COULDN'T BE.

IT... IT COULDN'T BE.

CORNEL WILDE DOESN'T
JUST SUDDENLY POP UP

INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM?

- WELL, NOT WHEN YOU
LIVE IN SPRINGFIELD.

- NO, NOT WHEN YOU
LIVE IN SPRINGFIELD.

OH, IT JUST MUST BE
SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE HIM.

THEY SAY EVERYONE HAS A DOUBLE.

- WELL, WE HAVE TO FIND OUT.

WE JUST GOTTA FIND OUT, BUT HOW?

- WELL, I HAVE A PLAN.

IT'S PRETTY OUTLANDISH,
BUT IT MIGHT WORK.

- OH, WHAT'S THAT?
- I'LL GO IN AND ASK HIM.

[canned laughter]
- NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

- OH, I CAN TRY.

- YOU CAN'T DO THAT. YOU...

[door closes]

- HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M MRS. ANDERSON.

- OH, HOW DO YOU DO?

- IT'S A NICE EVENING.

- OH, YES, IT IS.

- OH, WELL, NOW LOOK.

THIS IS SORT OF SILLY, BUT,
UH, MY DAUGHTER, BETTY...

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW
GIRLS LEAP TO CONCLUSIONS.

WELL, SHE'S PRACTICALLY
POSITIVE THAT YOU LOOK EXACTLY

LIKE CORNEL WILDE.

- [laughs]

WELL, I SUPPOSE I DO IN
A WAY, UH, BECAUSE I AM.

[canned laughter]

- WELL... OH, HOW IS
MRS. CORNEL WILDE?

- WELL, SHE'S FINE, THANKS.

- OH, THAT'S NICE.

OH, DO SIT DOWN.

- WELL, THANK YOU.
MAY I GET YOU A...

- OH, NO, NO. I HAVE TO
GET BACK TO THE KITCHEN,

BUT... OH, PLEASE SIT DOWN.

- I'M VERY SORRY TO HAVE COME
BARGING IN ON YOU LIKE THIS

- AT YOUR DINNERTIME.
- OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S... IT'S PERFECTLY
ALL RIGHT.

OUR DOORS ARE ALWAYS UNLATCHED.

UH, STRANGERS ARE ALWAYS...

[canned laughter] PEOPLE
ARE ALWAYS WELCOME.

[chuckles]

UM, ARE YOU, UH... ARE YOU
JUST, UH, DRIVING THROUGH TOWN?

- WELL, I... I WAS UNTIL
ANOTHER FELLOW HIT MY CAR.

- OH, REALLY?

- OH, IT'S NOT DAMAGED BADLY,
JUST ENOUGH, SO I CAN'T DRIVE.

UH, MATTER OF
FACT, THEY'RE, UH...

THEY LOANED ME AN OLD ONE
WHILE THEY'RE FIXING MINE.

UH, THEY'RE WORKING
ON IT RIGHT NOW

AT THE, UH, HIGHWAY
SERVICE STATION.

- WELL, THAT'S A SHAME.

WAS ANYONE HURT?

- NO, NO, JUST THE CARS.

THE OTHER FELLOW WAS
ABLE TO DRIVE HIS AWAY.

UM, I DON'T MIND, REALLY,

EXCEPT IT'LL TAKE AT LEAST
FOUR HOURS TO FIX MY CAR.

SO, UH, YOU SEE,
I'M KIND OF STUCK.

- OH, SAY NOW, YOU PROBABLY
HAVEN'T HAD ANY DINNER.

- WELL, NO, NOT YET.
PROBABLY LATER.

- MY GOODNESS, YOU
MUST BE STARVED.

WHY DON'T YOU STAY
AND HAVE DINNER WITH US?

- OH, THAT'S VERY KIND.

- I COULDN'T POSSIBLY, REALLY...
- WELL WHY NOT?

WELL, YOU HAVE TO EAT, ANYWAY?

AND YOU HAVE TO PASS
THE TIME SOMEPLACE.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL DO IT HERE.

I'LL PUT ON EXTRA PLATE.

- OH, NO, THAT'S TOO
MUCH BOTHER. YOU...

- OH, IT'S NO BOTHER AT ALL.

WE HAVE PLENTY.

IT'S ALL SET, YOU'LL STAY.

- WELL, IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO
GO TO ANY EXTRA TROUBLE ON MY...

- OH, WE WON'T GET
ANYTHING EXTRA.

YOU'LL JUST HAVE
TO TAKE POTLUCK.

PORK CHOPS, IN FACT.

- OH, THAT'S FINE. THAT'S FINE.

- GOOD.
[breathes deeply]

OH, I... I BETTER GET
BACK IN THE KITCHEN

AND SEE IF ANYTHING IS BURNING.

- CAN I HELP GET ANYTHING, OR...

- OH, NO, WE HAVE EVERYTHING.
[breathes deeply]

[canned laughter]

[comical music]

♪ ♪

- MOTHER, REALLY,
DID YOU HAVE TO SAY

SUCH SMALL TOWN THINGS LIKE PUT
AN EXTRA PLATE ON, TAKE POTLUCK?

- WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

- COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST
LET HIM THINK WE HAVE A MAID?

- BUT WE DON'T HAVE ONE.

NOW LOOK, WE'RE
NOT GONNA PUT ON AIRS

AND ACT LIKE SOMETHING WE'RE NOT

JUST BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING
CORNEL WILDE FOR DINNER.

[clangs] CORNEL
WILDE FOR DINNER.

[canned laughter]

BETTY, RUSH, AND I MEAN
RUSH TO THE MARKET

AND GET SOME MORE
PORK CHOPS, HALF A DOZEN.

OH, AND... AND, UH,
SOME CANNED YAMS,

SOME APPLE SAUCE,
BISCUITS, THE INSTANT KIND.

OH, I KNOW. GET SOME CAVIAR.

I'LL MAKE SOME HORS D'OEUVRES.

- CAVIAR?
- HURRY!

GOT TO RUN NEXT DOOR AND BORROW
MYRTLE'S NEW STERLING SILVER.

- WHAT AM I GONNA DO FOR MONEY?

- WELL, LOOK IN MY HANDBAG.
[phone rings]

OH.

YES? OH, IT'S YOU.

- HONEY, I KNOW THIS APPOINTMENT

TOOK LONGER THAN I FIGURED,
BUT DON'T BE MAD AT ME.

I COULDN'T HELP IT.

- WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.

ARE YOU ON YOUR
WAY HOME NOW? GOOD.

HURRY, BECAUSE WE'RE HAVING
CORNEL WILDE FOR DINNER.

[canned laughter]

I SAID WE ARE HAVING
CORNEL WILDE FOR DINNER.

[canned laughter]
- OH, I SEE.

FINE. I'LL PICK UP AVA
GARDNER ON THE WAY HOME.

AND WE'LL HAVE A
FOURSOME. [canned laughter]

I SAID I'LL PICK...
UM NEVER MIND...

YES, YES, I'LL HURRY.

GOODBYE.

NOW, WHAT KIND OF A
CRACK WAS THAT MEANT TO BE,

"WE'RE HAVING CORNEL
WILDE FOR DINNER."

I CAN'T HELP IT IF I
HAVE TO WORK LATE.

♪ ♪

MAN HAS TO MAKE A LIVING.

[canned laughter]

[phone ringing]

- HELLO? UH, WHO?

OH, OH, UH, YES, SHE WAS
HERE JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO.

UH, JUST A SECOND.

- OH, YOU CAN GIVE HER A
MESSAGE, MR. ANDERSON.

[canned laughter]

- OH? WELL, WHO ARE YOU?

- OH.
[chuckles]

SURE YOU ARE.

WELL, ANYWAY, MR. ANDERSON,
TELL BETTY THAT EDDIE GOOFED.

GOOFED. YES.

YOU SEE, EDDIE DIDN'T KNOW

THAT BETTY TURNED DOWN RALPH
TO GO BOWLING WITH ARNOLD,

SO EDDIE RAN INTO RALPH, AND
WHAT DID THE STUPID OAF DO?

BUT HE INVITED RALPH
TO GO BOWLING WITH US.

- WHAT?

WELL, OH... WELL
YOU WAIT A SECOND,

I THINK I BETTER
WRITE THIS DOWN.

- NO. NO, THAT
WON'T BE NECESSARY.

JUST TELL BETTY THAT...

WELL, I'LL FIGURE OUT
SOME WAY TO SHAKE RALPH.

OH, AND TELL HER THAT
I'M WEARING A BEIGE SKIRT

AND A RED SWEATER.

OH, THANKS LOADS.

YOU'RE A DOLL,
BYE. [canned laughter]

♪ ♪

- CHILDREN.

[canned laughter]

- YEAH, I'M GONNA BE
OVER IN A MINUTE, MOM!

HEY, WHO OWNS THAT
OLD CRATE OUT IN FRONT?

BOY, IS THAT A MONSTROSITY.

- YEAH, MAN, THAT'S A SAD HEAP.

- YEAH, I'D LIKE TO
MEET THE CREEP

THAT DRIVES A CRATE LIKE THAT.

- YOU WOULD? WELL,
PUT IT THERE, SON.

MY NAME'S CORNEL WILDE.

- OH, I DIDN'T KNOW
ANYBODY WAS HERE.

- UH, YOUR CAR?
- YEAH.

- FINE CAR, GOOD SPORTS JOB.

- CUSTOM.
- YEAH. NICE TO MEET YOU.

- [chuckles]

- CORNEL WILDE!

[canned laughter]
- MOM, MOM!

- HELLO THERE.
- HELLO THERE.

- MY NAME'S KATHY, WHAT'S YOURS?

- CORNEL WILDE.
HOW ARE YOU, KATHY?

- FINE.

ARE YOU WAITING TO SEE MY DADDY?

- YES.

- OH, WELL, I DON'T
THINK HE'S HOME YET.

- HE WAS GONNA BE LATE.

- OH.
- I THINK MOMMY'S MAD AT HIM.

YOU SEE, THEY WERE
SUPPOSED TO GO OVER

TO THE PHILLIPSES TONIGHT.

I'LL GO SEE IF SHE KNOWS
WHEN HE'LL BE HOME.

- THANK YOU.

- WHEN WILL DADDY BE HOME?

- SOON.

- WHAT'S HE DOING
HERE IN SPRINGFIELD?

AND AT OUR HOUSE?

- OH, SOMETHING ABOUT INSURANCE.

- CORNEL WILDE?

[canned laughter]
[glass bottle shatters]

- I'M HOME, HONEY.

WHO BELONGS TO THAT
DISREPUTABLE-LOOKING PILE OF TIN

PARKED OUT IN
FRONT? [canned laughter]

EVA GARDNER COULDN'T MAKE IT.

SHE SAID IF IT HAD BEEN CORNEL
WILDE AND GREGORY PECK,

- SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN...
- DEAR.

DEAR, I... I WANT YOU TO
MEET, UH, MR. CORNEL WILDE.

[canned laughter]

- MYRON K. HANSEN, YES,
HE'S A CLIENT OF MINE.

THAT'S PROBABLY WHY HE WAS
TRYING TO GET A HOLD OF ME.

NOW, YOU SAY THAT HE
SMASHED INTO YOUR CAR

AS YOU LEFT THE GAS STATION?

- YES. NOW, THESE
FELLOWS WILL VERIFY IT.

THERE ARE FIVE WITNESSES,

THREE OF THEM WORK
IN THE GAS STATION.

- OH.
- DADDY.

- SHH, QUIET, HONEY.

BARLOW, ALEC, KERRY, YES,
I KNOW MOST OF THESE MEN.

- YOU PRO...
- WELL, WITH WITNESSES

LIKE THESE, YOU WON'T
HAVE ANY TROUBLE.

- OH, YES, I WILL.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A
TARGET A HOLLYWOOD ACTOR IS.

IT'S ALWAYS OPEN SEASON ON US.

DEAR MR. HANSEN
IS GONNA PUSH THIS

INTO A-HALF-MILLION-DOLLAR
LAWSUIT.

- YOU PROMISED
YOU'D HELP ME DRAW

THIS MAP OF NORTH AMERICA
FOR SCHOOL TOMORROW.

- HONEY, WE'RE BUSY RIGHT NOW.

DID HANSEN SAY HE
WAS GONNA SUE YOU?

- UH, NO, BUT, UM, I
RECOGNIZED THE PERFORMANCE.

WHEN HE HIT ME,

HE STUCK HIS HEAD OUT
OF THE CAR AND APOLOGIZED.

BUT WHEN HE CAME
OVER AND RECOGNIZED ME,

WE EXCHANGED NAMES
AND INSURANCE COMPANIES.

HE GRABBED HIS NECK,

STARTED TO HOLLER THAT IT
WAS BROKEN IN THREE PLACES,

CURSED ME FOR RECKLESS DRIVING,

THEN HE JUMPED IN HIS
CAR, AND DROVE AWAY

WITH HIS RADIATOR
JUST STREAMING WATER.

- [laughter]

- IT WAS KINDA FUNNY.

HEY, UH, KATHY, YOU'VE MADE
FLORIDA TWICE AS BIG AS TEXAS.

THE TEXAS PEOPLE
AREN'T GONNA LIKE YOU.

- KATHY, YOU MUSTN'T
BOTHER MR. WILDE.

- OH, SHE'S NOT BOTHERING ME.

BUT BELIEVE ME, MR. ANDERSON,

MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE
BEEN THROUGH MANY THINGS

LIKE THIS BEFORE.

MR. HANSON THINKS THAT I'D BE
WILLING TO SETTLE OUT OF COURT

JUST TO KEEP THIS OUT OF
THE PAPERS, BUT HE'S WRONG.

AS LONG AS I KNOW I'M RIGHT,

I'LL TAKE ALL THE TIME AND GET
ALL THE LAWYERS NECESSARY

TO KEEP HIM AND
EVERYONE LIKE HIM

FROM GETTING AWAY
WITH THIS SORT OF THING.

- WELL, SIR, I DON'T BLAME YOU.

AS AN INSURANCE MAN,

I FEEL JUST AS STRONGLY
AGAINST THIS AS YOU DO.

- WELL, THE FIRST THING
IS GET A HOLD OF HIM

BEFORE HE GETS A
HOLD OF A LAWYER.

- YEAH, IF YOU CAN KEEP HIM
FROM PRESSING SUIT, FINE.

BUT IF NOT, WE'LL
WRESTLE HIM, WON'T WE?

- YOU BETCHA.
[canned laughter]

- THAT'S TELLIN' HIM.

- I TOLD THE BUTCHER I
WANTED EXTRA NICE CHOPS

BECAUSE THEY WERE
FOR CORNEL WILDE,

AND HE JUST LAUGHED.

HE DIDN'T BELIEVE
ME. [canned laughter]

- WELL, LET'S KEEP THIS QUIET

OR WE'LL HAVE A YARD FULL
OF AUTOGRAPH-HUNTERS.

AND DON'T YOU PESTER HIM
FOR AUTOGRAPHS EITHER.

JUST ACT LIKE HE'S
AN ORDINARY PERSON

HAVING AN ORDINARY
DINNER WITH US.

THERE'LL BE NO EXTRA FUSS.

NOW, UM, NOW YOU
TWO, YOU RUN UPSTAIRS

AND YOU... YOU TAKE
KATHY WITH YOU.

SCRUB UP GOOD, PUT
ON YOUR BEST CLOTHES.

AND BUD, YOU PUT ON A
NECK TIE AND BETTY, YOU...

[canned laughter]

WELL, JUST HURRY.

- HE'S PROBABLY IN SOME
LAWYER'S HOUSE RIGHT NOW.

- UH, COME ON, KATHY.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COME
UPSTAIRS AND CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES.

- SAY, ARE YOU BETTY?

- WHO, ME?

OH, YES.

YES.

- WELL, I HAVE A
MESSAGE FOR YOU.

- YOU HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ME?

- UH, YES, FROM DOTTY.

- I DON'T KNOW HER LAST NAME.
- HUH?

- WELL, IT SEEMS THAT ARNOLD
AND RALPH ARE GOING BOWLING.

- ARNOLD AND RALPH?

- OR MAYBE IT WAS
ARNOLD AND EDDIE.

BUT ANYWAY, SHE
SAID NOT TO WORRY

BECAUSE SHE'S
GOING TO SHAKE RALPH

AND SHE'S WEARING
A RUSTIN BAY SKIRT.

[canned laughter] DID
THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

- HMM, NOT EXACTLY.

- IT DOESN'T TO ME EITHER.
[canned laughter]

I'M SURE I'VE GOT IT WRONG.

UH, YOU BETTER
CALL HER. I'M SORRY.

- I BETTER.

WELL, THANKS FOR TAKING
THE MESSAGE, THOUGH.

- SURE.

- COME ON, COME
ON, KIDS, UP YOU GO.

YOU'RE BOTHERING MR. WILDE,

- AND WE'RE
DESPERATELY - OH, NO.

TRYING TO GET
SOME BUSINESS DONE.

- COME ON.

SEE, WE'RE DUE OVER
AT THE PHILLIPSES.

I'M AWFULLY SORRY ABOUT THIS.

- OH, NO, PLEASE.

I'M THE ONE WHO IS IMPOSING.

- OH, NO.

- AND, UH, BE SURE AND CALL HER.

I WOULDN'T WANT HER TO THINK
I DIDN'T GIVE YOU THE MESSAGE.

AND I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO
MISS OUT ON ANYTHING GOOD

JUST BECAUSE I GOOFED.

[canned laughter]

- GEE, YOU'RE
JUST LIKE... PEOPLE.

[canned laughter]

WELL, THEY'RE NICER
TO BE THAN ANYBODY.

[canned laughter]

UH, WHAT TIME ARE YOU
DUE AT THE PHILLIPSES?

- I DON'T KNOW.

THE THING WE HAVE TO
DO IS LOCATE HANSON...

- WELL, ARE YOU GENTLEMEN

GETTING ALL OF YOUR
BUSINESS ALL RIGHT?

- OH, YES, FINE. THANK YOU.

- WHAT'S ALL THIS?

- OH, JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING
TO TIDE YOU OVER TILL DINNER.

A FEW CANAPES.

- CAVIAR.
- HMM.

- CAVIAR?

WHERE DID YOU GET...

[canned laughter]

- DEAR, WHY DON'T YOU PUT
THIS IN ON THE COFFEE TABLE?

- HMM.

- WELL, I'LL LEAVE YOU
GENTLEMEN TO YOUR BUSINESS.

- OH, SAY, UM, YOU SAY
WE'RE HAVING PORK CHOPS?

- WELL, YES. UH,
DON'T YOU LIKE THEM?

- OOH, I LOVE THEM.

IT'S... IT'S JUST THAT I WAS
WONDERING IF YOU, UH,

HAVE YOU EVER BAKED THEM
WITH, UH, SOUR CREAM AND ONIONS?

THAT'S THE WAY MY
MOTHER USED TO FIX THEM.

- WELL, UH... WELL,
THAT'S SORT OF THE WAY

WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE THEM TONIGHT.

- OH, WELL, ISN'T
THAT WONDERFUL?

YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE MOST
PLEASANT ACCIDENT I'VE EVER HAD.

[laughter]

- OH, SAY THAT MR. HANSON
WANTS YOU TO CALL HIM.

- I KNOW. I KNOW.

I WISH I COULD GET HIM.

I THINK OUR BEST BET AS FAR
AS HANSON IS CONCERNED IS...

UH, DO YOU WANT ANY
MORE OF THIS JUNK?

- UH, NO, THANKS.

- I DON'T BLAME YOU.
[chuckles]

WELL, I THINK WHAT
I'D BETTER DO IS THIS.

I'LL START MAKING OUT
THE ACCIDENT REPORTS...

[phone rings] OH, DEAR.

- YOU LIKE ME TO
GET THAT FOR YOU?

- WOULD YOU, PLEASE?

IF IT'S HANSON,
TELL HIM TO HOLD ON.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

- HELLO?

UH, JUST A MINUTE,
I'LL CALL HER.

OH, WHAT?

OH, I SEE.

WELL, UH, WHY CAN'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT.

NO, ALL... ALL
RIGHT, I'LL TELL HER.

THANK YOU.

- DEAR, WHO WAS IT?

- AHH. UH, IT WAS... IT
WAS THE BABYSITTER.

SHE CAN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT.

[canned laughter]

UH, HER NIECE FROM
NEW VELIA JUST ARRIVED.

- OH.

[canned laughter]

BUD, UM, SLIP OUT
AND RUN TO THE STORE,

AND GET SOME ONIONS
AND SOME SOUR CREAM.

- SOUR CREAM?
- SHH.

JUST DON'T ASK
ANY QUESTIONS. RUN!

- UH, THAT WAS THE BABYSITTER.
- BABYSITTER?

OH, MY GOSH! I WAS
SUPPOSED TO PICK HER UP.

- WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW
BECAUSE SHE CAN'T COME ANYWAY.

HER AUNT JUST ARRIVED,
UH, FROM NEW VELIA.

- WELL, IF SHE CAN'T STAY,
WHO'S GONNA STAY WITH ME?

- OH, PLEASE, KITTEN, I HAVEN'T
TIME TO WORRY ABOUT THAT NOW,

TALK TO YOUR MOTHER.

MAYBE BUD CAN STAY WITH YOU.

- OH, NO. NO, I CAN'T, DAD.

I GOTTA GO TO CHOIR PRACTICE.

- OH, I SEE. WELL, COULD YOU...

CHOIR PRACTICE?

YOU DON'T SING IN THE
CHOIR. WHEN DID THAT START?

- IT STARTED WHEN HE FOUND OUT

THAT APRIL ADAMS
WAS IN THE CHOIR.

- WELL, I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW SHE WAS, HARDLY.

- OH, NO? I HEARD
YOU TELL JOE PHILLIPS.

- LOOK, I HAVEN'T GOT
TIME TO ARGUE WITH YOU.

I GOTTA BUY SOME SOUR
CREAM AND ONIONS FOR MOM.

[canned laughter]

- WELL, WHO'S
GONNA STAY WITH ME?

- LOOK, KATHY...

UH, I HOPE YOU'LL EXCUSE
ALL THESE INTERRUPTIONS.

- OH, SURE.

- BETTY, YOU CAN STAY WITH HER.

THERE'S NO USE PAYING OUT ALL
THOSE MONEY FOR BABYSITTERS.

- OH, NO, I... I CAN'T,
I HAVE A DATE.

- WELL, I'D STILL LIKE TO KNOW
WHO'S GONNA STAY WITH ME.

- FOR PETE'S SAKES, GIRLS,

WE'RE TRYING TO
GET SOME WORK DONE.

- SAY, YOU KNOW, I
HAVE A SUGGESTION.

I HAVE NOTHING TO
DO EXCEPT SIT AROUND

AND WAIT FOR THEM TO FIX MY
CAR, WHY DON'T I STAY WITH HER?

- NO, NO, WE COULDN'T
ASK YOU TO DO THAT.

- WELL, WHY NOT? I
HAVE NO PLACE TO GO.

I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY IN
TOWN EXCEPT, UH, MR. HANSEN,

AND I THINK KATHY IS MUCH
PRETTIER THAN MR. HANSEN.

- WE COULDN'T ASK...
- THE PAY IS 50 CENTS AN HOUR.

- I'LL TAKE IT.
- OH, BOY!

WAIT TILL I TELL PATTY
WHO'S MY BABYSITTER.

- KATHY, COME BACK HERE.
DON'T YOU CALL PATTY.

- WHY NOT?
- WELL...

- OH, WHERE WERE WE?
- YEAH.

- WELL, DAD, I WAS
JUST THINKING.

IF THINGS ARE SO MIXED UP NOW,

I... I MIGHT AS WELL SKIP THE
WHOLE THING AND STAY HOME.

- OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

- GIRLS, PLEASE, WE'RE TRYING
TO GET SOME WORK DONE.

MR. WILDE MAY BE INVOLVED
IN A VERY BIG LAWSUIT, UH...

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- WELL!

[romantic music]

[canned laughter]

WELL, WHAT ARE
YOU DRESSED UP FOR?

I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST
GOING TO THE PHILLIPS'

FOR A LITTLE CARD GAME.

- FATHER, YOU KNOW WE
ALWAYS DRESS FOR DINNER.

[canned laughter]

- I HOPE YOU BROUGHT
YOUR TUXEDO.

- HAS BUD RETURNED YET?

HE HAD A LITTLE ERRAND TO RUN.

- OH, NO, HE HASN'T
COME BACK YET

WITH THE, UH, SOUR
CREAM AND ONIONS.

[canned laughter]

- OH. THAT WAS PRETTY
SNEAKY OF ME, WASN'T IT?

- [laughs]

- BUT, IT SOUNDED GOOD
AND I WANTED TO TRY IT.

- WELL, I APPRECIATE THAT,

BUT YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T FOOL
AROUND WITH SOUR CREAM NOW

OR YOU'LL BE LATE
FOR THE PHILLIPS'.

- LOOK, WOULD YOU CHARMING
LADIES LEAVE US ALONE

FOR JUST TWO MINUTES?

- WHY, CERTAINLY.

COME ON, GIRLS, WE HAVE
TO GET THE DINNER ON.

- [laughs]

I'D LIKE TO GET YOUR VERSION
OF THE ACCIDENT, CORNEL.

[doorbell dings] OH, NO.

- I APOLOGIZE FOR ALL THIS.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M GETTING PAID
50 CENTS AN HOUR.

- [laughs] [canned laughter]

MR. HANSEN.

- JIM.
- COME IN, COME IN.

- JIM, WHY DIDN'T
YOU RETURN MY CALL?

AFTER ALL, IF A MAN PAYS
PREMIUM, HE'S GOT THE RIGHT TO...

- MYRON, I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO CALL YOU.

- I... I'VE TRIED...
- WELL, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, FORGET IT.

LOOK, JIM, I'VE
BEEN IN A SMASH-UP.

OH, I TELL YOU. I AM LUCKY TO
BE WALKING AROUND BREATHING.

DISLOCATED FRACTURE OF THE NECK.

- HAVE YOU BEEN TO A DOCTOR?
- DOCTOR?

HOW COULD I GET TO A
DOCTOR IN THIS CONDITION?

I... LOOK, JIM, YOU
GOTTA GET RIGHT ON THIS.

AS MISERABLE AS
THESE THINGS CAN BE,

THERE IS ONE RAY OF SUNSHINE.

JIM, WE CAN CLEAN UP.

- WELL, NOW, MYRON, I... I...
- NO, NO, WAIT,

WAIT, WAIT 'TIL I TELL
YOU WHO I PLOWED INTO.

I MEAN, WHO PLOWED INTO ME.

A REAL BIG SHOT FROM
HOLLYWOOD, MR. CORNEL WILDE.

- HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?
- WELL, MYRON,

- BEFORE YOU SAY ANY MORE...
- NINETY MILES AN HOUR,

HE CAME ZINGING OUT
OF THAT GAS STATION.

I TELL YOU, AND HIM
WITH HIS FANCY CAR

AND HIS... AND HIS
FANCY CHECKED COAT.

YEAH, AND HIS
RIDICULOUS LITTLE BERET.

- IS THAT WHAT HE WAS WEARING?

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL
WEAR, YOU KNOW, THE BIG SHOTS,

AND SCARVES AROUND
THE NECK, YOU KNOW?

I TELL YOU, HE COME
OUT OF THAT GAS STATION

LIKE HE WAS BLOWN FROM A CANNON.

[canned laughter] NO
WARNING, NO SIGNAL,

NO THOUGHT FOR LIFE NOR LIMB.

HE JUST...

HEY, THAT'S GOOD,

"NOR LIFE NOR LIMB."

[canned laughter] WE'LL
PUT THAT IN THE LAWSUIT?

- WHAT LAWSUIT?

- OH, JIM, WE OUGHT
TO BE ABLE TO TAKE HIM

FOR AT LEAST 200,000 OR 300,000

AND... NO, NO, NO, JIM,
I'M NOT ASKING ANYTHING

THAT I HAVEN'T GOT COMING.

I... OH, I... I'VE... I'VE
GOT THIS COMING,

[canned laughter] ON MY
NECK AND MY RADIATOR,

AND THE... THE WATER
WAS GUSHING OUT

LIKE COOLIDGE DAM HAD GIVEN IN.

[canned laughter]
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, MYRON.

BUT FIRST, I WANT YOU TO MEET
AN EYEWITNESS TO THIS ACCIDENT.

- HUH?
- [clears throat]

MYRON, I WANT YOU TO
MEET MR. CORNEL WILDE

IN HIS CHECKERED COAT AND BERET.

- HELLO, MR. HANSON.

- I.
[canned laughter]

I.

- MYRON, I, UH, HAVE A
LIST OF FIVE WITNESSES

WHO SAW THIS ACCIDENT.

BUT FIRST, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME
AGAIN EXACTLY HOW IT OCCURRED.

- EXACTLY?

[canned laughter]

I... OH,

WELL, AS I... AS I WAS...
TELLING YOU, YOU KNOW,

I HADN'T FINISHED
THAT... THAT, UH,

WITH... WITH ALL OF THIS,

IT... IT WAS REALLY
NOBODY'S FAULT.

[canned laughter]

EXCEPT PERHAPS
MINE, MAYBE, AND, UH,

IT'S A BAD CORNER
THERE, YOU KNOW,

BY THE... BY THE GAS STATION.

I'VE... I'VE WRITTEN TO
THE CITY COUNCIL ABOUT IT.

AND, UH... SO, JIM,
AS I WAS SAYING,

I... I'D BE FOR DROPPING
THE WHOLE THING.

[canned laughter]

YOU KNOW ME. [chuckles]

WELL, I... I GOTTA GO.

HOPE I RUN INTO YOU
AGAIN SOME OTHER TIME.

[canned laughter] I
MEAN, I'M VERY PLEASED

TO HAVE MET YOU,
MR. CORNEL WILDE.

- SEE YOU, JIM.
- BYE, MYRON.

[chuckles]

- IT'S KIND OF A SHAME.

HE THOUGHT HE HAD IT ALL MADE.

- YEAH, HE WAS SURE
HE'D STRUCK GOLD.

- WELL.

UH, WILL HIS INSURANCE
COVER THE DAMAGE?

- WELL, ALL HE CARRIES
IS MINIMUM LIABILITY.

THAT'S ABOUT ALL HE CAN AFFORD.

- WELL, SINCE HE'S
DROPPING THE SUIT,

I'D... I'D LIKE TO DO
SOMETHING FOR HIM.

WILL YOU SEND ME THE
BILL FOR HIS REPAIRS?

- OH, WHY, SURE.
[chuckles]

- MOM SAYS TO COME TO
DINNER. IT'S READY NOW.

- WELL, GOOD. COME
ALONG, MR. WILDE.

- OH, PLEASE, CORNEL, JIM.

- THANK YOU.
[chuckles]

- WELL, LOOK, DON'T
SAY ANYTHING TO MOM,

BUT I THINK SHE'S
RUINED THE PORK CHOPS.

- SHE HAS?

- YEAH, I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS
AN ACCIDENT OR SOME CRAZY IDEA,

BUT SHE SPILLED SOUR
CREAM ALL OVER 'EM.

- OH.

WELL, I GUESS THE ONLY
GENTLEMANLY THING TO DO

IS TO EAT THEM ANYWAY. OKAY?

[canned laughter]

- AND AFTER SCHOOL, PATTY
AND ME, SHE LIVES NEXT DOOR,

WE PLAY SOME KIND OF JUNK
LIKE JUMPING ROPE OR HOPSCOTCH

OR GETTING MARRIED
TO A RICH PRINCE OR...

HEY, WAIT, LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU.

- OH, NO. THIS IS MORE FUN.

UH, HOW MANY RICH PRINCES
HAVE YOU MARRIED SO FAR?

- OH, I'M TWO UP ON
PATTY, [canned laughter]

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

IT SEEMS LIKE WHEN
YOU'VE MARRIED ONE PRINCE,

YOU'VE HAD THEM ALL,
YOU KNOW? [canned laughter]

- WELL, UH, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU SAY.

I REALLY DON'T
KNOW BECAUSE I, UH,

I MARRIED A GIRL.

[canned laughter]

- I THINK GIRLS ARE
MUCH BETTER THAN...

[door closes]

I THOUGHT YOU WENT BOWLING.

SHE ALWAYS TRIES TO MUSCLE
IN ON EVERYTHING OF MINE.

- WELL, I HAD TO COME BACK.

SOMEHOW OR RATHER, MY DATE
WOUND UP WITH JANEY LITTLE.

- OH, WELL, HOW DID THAT
COME ABOUT? IT'S A SHAME.

- IT WASN'T EASY.
[canned laughter]

TELL ME, WHAT'S IT
LIKE IN HOLLYWOOD?

[door closes] I MEAN, REALLY.

- WELL, UH...
- MOTHER, FATHER, WHAT-

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HOME SO EARLY?

- OH, YOUR FATHER HAS TO
GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING.

- YOUR MOTHER SUDDENLY
DEVELOPED A HEADACHE,

WHICH SUDDENLY LEFT HER
AS SOON AS WE STARTED HOME.

[canned laughter]
- WELL, THIS IS COZY.

TELL ME, UH,

DOES RITA HAYWORTH
HAVE NATURALLY RED HAIR?

- WELL, I, UH, I
REALLY DON'T KNOW.

- WHAT HAPPENED
TO CHOIR PRACTICE?

- OH, I DON'T KNOW.

IT SEEMS LIKE ALL THEY
WERE DOING WAS SINGING.

[canned laughter]

- ODD.

[laughter]

- WELL, GO ON, KEEP
TALKING. WHAT HAVE I MISSED?

- MISSED?

SHALL I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

YOU PEOPLE HAVEN'T
MISSED A THING.

YOU HAVE IT ALL RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS IT.

- [chuckles] [doorbell rings]

WELL, NOW, WHO COULD THAT BE?

WE DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER
MEMBERS OF THE FAMILY.

WELL, MR. HANSON.

- UH, JIM,

UH, THIS ISN'T FOR ME.

NATURALLY, IT'S FOR A
LITTLE NEIGHBOR GIRL,

BUT I WONDER IF I COULD HAVE
MR. CORNEL WILDE'S AUTOGRAPH.

- CERTAINLY, MYRON.
COME IN, COME IN.

- WELL, UH, MY WIFE IS OUTSIDE.

I... I WONDER IF
SHE COULD SEE HIM.

- WELL...

- OH, I'D LOVE TO MEET HER.

- OH, LOOK, IF YOU DON'T
WANT PEOPLE BOTHERING YOU...

- OH NO, THAT'S
NO BOTHER, BETTY.

IT'S WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO
SEE YOU, THAT'S WHAT BOTHERS ME.

[canned laughter]

[applause]

[theme music]