Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Promising Young Man - full transcript
Jim's boss John asks Jim if he can show John's son how to sell insurance. Jim agrees, and John is sociable enough to work with clients. However, John does not like insurance and wants to be an actor.
[classical music]
♪ ♪
Narrator: ROBERT YOUNG
AND JANE WYATT
[laughter]
WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...
IN FATHER KNOWS BEST.
HERE, SPECIAL DELIVERY
LETTER FOR YOU, DAD.
IT REGISTERED.
OH, THANK YOU, BUD.
HMM. WHO'S IT FROM, DEAR?
JOHN SEASTROM
AT THE HOME OFFICE.
WELL, WHO'S JOHN SEASTROM?
WHAT'S IT ABOUT, DAD?
JOHN SEASTROM'S VICE
PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY
AND AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE.
HE HAS A SON WHO'S LEARNING
THE INSURANCE BUSINESS.
HE WANTS TO KNOW
IF I'LL TAKE THE BOY
INTO MY OFFICE FOR A WHILE
AND GIVE HIM SOME EXPERIENCE.
IS HE A BIG BOY OR
IS HE A LITTLE BOY?
OH, HE'S A BIG BOY, TOO
OLD FOR YOU, KITTEN.
[canned laughter]
UH, UM, WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
SINCE HE WAS A BABY.
ARE YOU GONNA DO IT, DAD?
I DON'T KNOW.
WE'LL SEE.
YOU KIDS BETTER HEAD FOR SCHOOL.
IT'S 8:20. OH.
YIKES!
OH!
SEE YOU GUYS LATER. YES, YES.
WAIT FOR ME, BUD! OH.
I LOVE YOU.
[canned laughter]
IT WOULD BE
EXCITING, WOULDN'T IT?
HAVING THE SON OF THE VICE
PRESIDENT RIGHT IN YOUR OFFICE?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
EXCITING IS EXACTLY THE WORD.
WHEN DO YOU DECIDE?
OH, BETTY, GIVE HIM A
CHANCE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WHAT'S HIS FATHER LIKE?
GOODBYE, PRINCESS,
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
OH, WELL. BYE.
BYE.
"DEAR JIM, I'M WRITING TO
ASK YOU A PERSONAL FAVOR.
"FOR THE PAST YEAR,
MY SON, ELWOOD,
"HAD BEEN WORKING
HERE IN THE HOME OFFICE
"LEARNING THE
INSURANCE BUSINESS.
"HE'S A BRIGHT BOY. HE
HAS A GOOD EDUCATION.
"BUT DUE POSSIBLY TO A
RATHER EXUBERANT PERSONALITY,
HE HASN'T MADE THE
PROGRESS I EXPECTED."
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
HE MEANS BY THAT?
HMM.
"I FEEL ELWOOD NEEDS
THE RESPONSIBILITY
"OF BEING AWAY FROM
HOME AND ON HIS OWN,
"SO THIS IS THE
FAVOR I'M ASKING,
"JIM, COULD YOU TAKE ELWOOD INTO
YOUR OFFICE AS YOUR ASSISTANT?
"I HAVE GREAT FAITH IN YOU,
"AND FEEL IF ANYONE CAN HELP
HIM FIND HIS PLACE IN THE BUSINESS,
"YOU CAN.
"TRUST THE ARRANGEMENT
MEETS WITH YOUR APPROVAL.
"WIRE ANSWER TO MY HOME ADDRESS.
"SINCERE REGARDS,
JOHN SEASTROM, VICE PRESIDENT,
GENERAL INSURANCE COMPANY."
HMM.
WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE
QUITE AN IMPOSITION
ASKING YOU TO ASSUME
RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS SON.
IT IS. BUT I'M INDEBTED TO JOHN.
HE GAVE ME A BOOST
YEARS AGO WHEN I NEEDED IT.
WELL, IF ONLY YOU KNEW
SOMETHING ABOUT THE BOY.
WELL, WHAT KIND
OF A PERSON HE IS?
WELL, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
I CAN'T VERY WELL ASK FOR
CHARACTER REFERENCES.
[canned laughter]
BESIDES, IF HE'S ANYTHING
LIKE HIS FATHER, HE'S ALL RIGHT.
OPERATOR, GET ME WESTERN
UNION, I WANNA SEND A TELEGRAM.
Y... YOU BETTER
SPEED IT UP, DAD,
IT'S 10 AFTER 8.
ELWOOD'S TRAIN DOESN'T
GET IN UNTIL A QUARTER OF 9,
I'LL BE THERE.
YOU ONLY HAVE 35 MINUTES. ONLY?
I CAN GET TO THE STATION
FROM HERE IN 15 MINUTES
RIDING BACKWARDS
ON A POGO STICK.
[canned laughter]
I'VE NEVER SEEN A
VICE PRESIDENT'S SON.
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
DAD DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
HE'S TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES.
I PICTURE HIM AS TALL, KIND
OF ON THE SLENDER SIDE,
VERY DARK, WITH
KIND OF CURLY HAIR,
A... AND A MUSTACHE MAYBE...
AND JUST A SLIGHT
ENGLISH ACCENT.
WELL, I HATE TO SPOIL
YOUR DREAM, PRINCESS,
BUT YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND HE'S
JUST AN AVERAGE YOUNG MAN.
IF HE'S ANYTHING
LIKE HIS FATHER,
HE'LL HAVE A SQUARE
HEAD AND A SQUARE BODY.
IN FACT, HE'LL BE PRETTY
SQUARE ALL THE WAY AROUND.
NO.
IS HE GONNA HAVE HIS OWN
PRIVATE CAR ON THE TRAIN?
HARDLY. [chuckles]
WE OUGHT TO CALL THE NEWSPAPERS
AND TELL THEM THAT HE'S COMING
AND THEY CAN TAKE
PICTURES OF HIM AND STUFF.
[chuckles] YEAH, HOW
ABOUT THAT, DAD?
I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.
I'LL HIRE A BRASS BAND.
WHEN HE GETS OFF THE
TRAIN, I'LL PUT HIM IN A CAGE
AND WE'LL HAVE A PARADE
RIGHT DOWN MAIN STREET.
[canned laughter]
YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA DO THAT?
[canned laughter]
I'M ONLY JOKING.
WELL, EVERYBODY OFF TO SCHOOL,
MAYBE I'LL INVITE
ELWOOD TO DINNER.
WE'LL SEE.
WELL, YOU BE SURE AND
CALL IF YOU'RE BRINGING HOME.
NOW, DON'T WAIT
'TILL THE LAST MINUTE.
I'LL LET YOUR MOTHER
KNOW. [door opens]
AND DON'T MISS THE TRAIN.
I WON'T.
GIVE ELWOOD MY REGARDS.
YES, KITTEN. [canned laughter]
[laughs]
DO YOU HAVE ALL
YOUR INSTRUCTIONS?
THIS BOY IS GONNA GET
THE BIGGEST RECEPTION
SINCE LINDBERG LANDED IN PARIS.
[canned laughter]
YOU'D THINK WE WERE
WELCOMING A CROWN PRINCE.
[chuckles]
I'M AFRAID THE KIDS ARE
IN FOR A DISAPPOINTMENT.
WELL, I'VE BEEN WONDERING
EVER SINCE LAST WEEK
WHEN YOU SENT THAT TELEGRAM.
WHY DID YOU AGREE SO QUICKLY
THAT ELWOOD COME OUT HERE?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, YOU
JUST DON'T UP AND SAY NO
TO THE VICE PRESIDENT
OF THE COMPANY,
ESPECIALLY WHEN
YOU OWE HIM A FAVOR.
IF ELWOOD HAS
ANY ABILITY AT ALL,
I THINK HE'LL BE BETTER OFF
HERE THAN AT THE HOME OFFICE
WITH HIS FATHER WATCHING
OVER HIM EVERY MINUTE.
OLD JOHN'S A FINE MAN,
BUT, UH... HE'S A
BEARCAT TO WORK FOR.
WHAT HAS HE MEANT BY ELWOOD'S
EXUBERANT PERSONALITY?
HMM, IT'S HARD TO TELL.
OLD JOHN'S KIND OF A SOBERSIDES.
TO HIM, ANYONE WHO SMILED BEFORE
BREAKFAST MIGHT BE EXUBERANT.
[chuckles] [canned laughter]
WELL, I'LL HAVE TO GO
OR THERE'LL BE A LOST
AND BEWILDERED BOY
WANDERING AROUND THE STATION.
GOODBYE, HONEY.
GOOD LUCK, DEAR.
I'LL CALL YOU FROM THE OFFICE.
[indistinct chatter]
OH.
PARDON ME, ARE YOU...
[comical music]
[canned laughter]
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
[canned laughter]
SORRY.
OH!
♪ ♪
PARDON ME.
[canned laughter]
OH, I'M SORRY, I... I THOUGHT...
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
OH. PARDON.
♪ ♪
[canned laughter]
♪ ♪
IS THAT YOU, DEAR?
YES, I'M HOME.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GOING TO PHONE.
I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY.
HOW WAS ELWOOD?
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, DIDN'T HE
COME IN ON THE TRAIN?
NOPE!
WHAT HAPPENED?
NOBODY KNOWS.
BUT ELWOOD, WHEREVER HE IS,
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME IN AT
8:45 THIS MORNING ON THE ROCKET.
HE WASN'T ON THE ROCKET.
I MET THE 11:05, THE
1:20 AND THE 3:45.
I SPENT PRACTICALLY THE WHOLE
DAY IN THE RAILROAD STATION.
ELWOOD SEASTROM HAS
DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR.
WELL, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A
CHANGE OF PLANS OR SOMETHING.
NO, I PHONED THE HOME
OFFICE, TALKED TO JOHN.
WOODY, AS HE CALLS HIM,
BOARDED THE ROCKET RIGHT ON
SCHEDULE HEADED FOR SPRINGFIELD.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
THERE AND HERE, POOF!
VANISHED.
[engine revving up]
[tires squeals]
[canned laughter]
[door closes]
IF THAT ISN'T A
MIRAGE OUT THERE,
I THINK OUR VANISHING
AMERICAN HAS ARRIVED.
[canned laughter]
HELLO THERE. AM I
AT THE RIGHT PLACE?
ARE YOU JIM AND
MARGARET ANDERSON?
THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE.
WE ARE THE ANDERSONS.
AND YOU MUST BE WOODY SEASTROM?
RIGHT. A LITTLE LATE FOR
WHICH I MOST HUMBLY APOLOGIZE,
BUT HERE NEVERTHELESS.
[sighs] WELL, COME IN.
WE... WE THOUGHT YOU WERE LOST.
OH, I'VE BEEN LOST AT LEAST
FIVE TIMES IN THE LAST 24 HOURS.
OH, THESE ROADS.
I BOUGHT A MAP IN CLARKSBURG,
BUT IT MUST HAVE
BEEN A MAP OF CANADA.
[laughs] [canned laughter]
I... I FINALLY FOUND OUT I
WAS GOING ON THE RIGHT ROAD,
BUT IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.
[canned laughter]
WELL, LET'S... LET'S SIT DOWN.
YEAH, THANK YOU.
WE UNDERSTOOD YOU
WERE COMING IN ON THE...
[exclaims]] MOTHER, WOULD
YOU LOOK AT THE CAR...
[canned laughter]
BETTY, THIS IS WOODY SEASTROM.
OUR DAUGHTER, BETTY.
HELLO, BETTY.
WELL, WELCOME TO SPRINGFIELD.
WE THOUGHT YOU WERE
COMING IN ON THE TRAIN.
YEAH, I... I WAS, I
STARTED OUT IN THE TRAIN,
BUT I REMEMBERED A FRIEND
OF MINE LIVE IN CLARKSBURG
SO I... I STOPPED
OFF TO SEE HIM.
IT WAS THROUGH HIM I MET THE
FELLOW WHO OWNS THIS CAR.
HE WAS A SCOTCHMAN ABOUT
YAY TALL WITH A BURST SO THICK
YOU COULD SCARCE TELL
ONE WORD FROM ANOTHER.
[laughter]
WELL, HE WANTED TO SELL
THE CAR AND I ASKED HIM WHY?
"IT'S ME BOOTS," HE SAYS.
"I CANNOT DRIVE THE WEE
BEAST WITH ME BOOTS ON."
[laughter]
"CONSTRUCTED AS I AM," HE SAYS,
"6-FOOT-4, IF I GET
IN WITH ME BOOTS ON,
THERE'S NO ROOM FOR MY FEET."
[canned laughter]
"I MEAN, I CANNOT BE RUSHING
ABOUT IN THESE STOCKINGS."
[laughter]
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE CAR,
SO I ASKED HIM WHAT HE WANTED.
"$1,300," HE SAYS.
"$1,300, AND IT'S A BARGAIN."
SO I BOUGHT IT. [chuckles]
THE ONLY TROUBLE IS I FIND I
CANNOT DRIVE THE WEE BEAST
WITH ME BOOTS ON EITHER.
[canned laughter]
OH, WELL, IT'S BEEN
DELIGHTFUL MEETING YOU ALL.
[chuckles]
OH, UH, YOU'RE LEAVING?
OH, I'M SORRY, J.A.
FORGIVE ME, MRS. ANDERSON.
MAY I CALL YOU MARGARET?
[chuckles] WELL...
WELL, OF COURSE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
DRIVE MY CAR SOMETIME?
I'D LOVE TO.
IT'S A DATE. [sighs]
OH, WHICH WAY IS HILLSBOROUGH?
UH, IT'S 35 MILES NORTH OF HERE.
OH, I'LL FIND IT,
A FRIEND OF MINE FROM
COLLEGE LIVES UP THERE.
AND I PROMISED I'D
DROP IN AND SEE HIM.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU
ALL LATER. BYE.
BYE. GOODBYE, WOODY.
WELL, COME BACK ANYTIME, WOODY.
[canned laughter]
OH, WOODY, WHEN
ARE YOU COMING BACK?
WOODY! [canned laughter]
[car revving up]
YOU SAID HE'D BE
SQUARE AND DULL.
HE'S ABOUT THE MOST
UNDULL BOY I'VE EVER MET.
[phone ringing]
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
OH, IT'S HARD TO
TELL WHAT TO THINK.
ALL I FOUND OUT ABOUT HIM
WAS THAT HE GETS LOST EASILY
AND BOUGHT A SMALL CAR FROM
A SCOTCHMAN WITH BIG FEET.
[canned laughter]
YES, HE'S HERE, JUST A MOMENT.
IT'S FOR YOU, LONG DISTANCE.
HELLO? OH, HELLO, JOHN.
YES, WOODY ARRIVED.
OH, HE STOPPED OFF ON
THE WAY TO SEE A FRIEND.
OH, SURE, HE'S FINE. [chuckles]
NO, HE'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.
HE WENT OVER TO
HILLSBOROUGH TO SEE A FRIEND.
[canned laughter]
OH, WE ALL LIKED HIM. [chuckles]
DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM,
JOHN. HE'LL WORK OUT ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL START HIM IN AT
THE OFFICE IN THE MORNING.
OH, I'LL MAKE HIM
WORK, SURE. [chuckles]
WELL, THANKS.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU, TOO.
[canned laughter]
GOOD MORNING, MS. THOMAS.
GOOD MORNING, MR. ANDERSON.
HAS OUR YOUNG
MR. SEASTROM COME IN YET?
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM. DID
YOU FIND HIM YESTERDAY?
YES, HE FINALLY PULLED
IN YESTERDAY AFTERNOON.
HAD TO LEAVE AGAIN
FOR HILLSBOROUGH.
HE'LL PROBABLY SHOW
OFF BEFORE LONG.
OH, MR. WARD PHONED
A FEW MINUTES AGO.
HE SAID HE WAS
COMING RIGHT OVER.
HAS HIS POLICY COME IN YET?
NO, IT HASN'T. OH.
WHAT COULD'VE HAPPENED TO IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS.
OH, YOU GOT SOME OTHER
MESSAGES YESTERDAY AFTERNOON.
THEY'RE IN HERE ON YOUR DESK.
OH!
♪ ♪
[canned laughter] WHO'S HE?
THAT IS ELWOOD SEASTROM.
LITTLE BOY BLUE,
COME BLOW YOUR HORN,
THE SHEEP'S IN THE MEADOW,
THE COWS IN THE CORN.
[canned laughter]
HELLO, JIM.
HOW DID YOU GET UP HERE?
UH, SOME KIND OF A
CONVENTION IN TOWN.
THE ROYAL ORDER OF
MUSKRATS OR SOMETHING.
I COULDN'T FIND A
HOTEL ROOM LAST NIGHT.
IT WAS TOO LATE TO
CALL YOUR HOUSE,
SO I LOOKED UP THE OFFICE
ADDRESS IN THE PHONEBOOK,
AND THE JANITOR LET ME
IN, AND HERE I HAVE SLEPT
IN SWEET REPOSE SINCE THE
HOUR OF MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT.
[canned laughter]
OH! OH, EXCUSE ME.
MS. THOMAS, THIS
IS WOODY SEASTROM,
THE NEW MEMBER OF OUR OFFICE.
HI. REAL GLAD TO MEET YOU.
[doorbell rings] OH,
I'M SORRY ABOUT...
ISN'T ANYONE HERE?
IT'S MR. WARD.
OH, GREAT.
OH, HELLO, EMMET.
COME ON IN.
EMMET, I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET WOODY SEASTROM,
MY NEW ASSISTANT.
HE JUST ARRIVED
FROM THE HOME OFFICE.
WOODY, THIS IS EMMET WARD,
LUMBERMAN PAR EXCELLENCE
AND ONE OF OUR TOP CLIENTS.
HOW DO YOU DO? IT'S
A PLEASURE, MR. WARD.
WHERE IS MY FIRE
INSURANCE? [canned laughter]
WELL, EMMET,
IT HASN'T BEEN RETURNED
FROM THE REGIONAL OFFICE.
A DELAY SOMEWHERE
ALONG THE LINE.
I TRIED TO REACH YOU YESTERDAY
AFTERNOON, BUT YOU WERE OUT.
UH, THERE'S NO REASON
TO BE CONCERNED.
YOU'RE FULLY COVERED.
I TOOK CARE OF THAT THE DAY
YOU SIGNED FOR THE POLICY.
THAT WAS THREE WEEKS AGO.
WHERE IS MY POLICY?
I TOLD YOU, EMMET,
THERE'S BEEN A DELAY
IN GETTING IT OUT FROM
THE REGIONAL OFFICE.
I HAVE A TRACER ON IT,
BUT I GIVE YOU MY WORD
THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
NOTHING?
EXCEPT THAT I PAID YOU A YEAR'S
PREMIUM ON AN INSURANCE POLICY
WHICH I HAVEN'T SEEN?
WHEN A MAN PAYS ME FOR A
LOAD OF LUMBER, I DELIVER IT.
WHEN I PAY FOR THE INSURANCE, I
EXPECT THE SAME CONSIDERATION.
EMMET, YOU ARE INSURED.
I WILL BE HERE TOMORROW MORNING.
I WANT THAT POLICY IN MY HANDS,
OR YOU CAN RETURN MY CHECK
AND WE WILL CONSIDER
OUR DEALINGS FINISHED.
[comical music]
♪ ♪
[door slams]
MS. THOMAS, CALL
THE REGIONAL OFFICE.
TELL THEM I HAVE TO HAVE
THAT WARD POLICY BY TONIGHT.
OH, MR. ANDERSON, I CALLED
THEM YESTERDAY AFTERNOON.
THEY DON'T HAVE THE POLICY.
THEY MAILED IT OUT
OVER A WEEK AGO.
OH, THEY MUST HAVE SENT
IT TO THE WRONG BRANCH.
WHY IS MR. WARD SO UPSET?
HE'S PROTECTED.
I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S A VERY DIFFICULT MAN.
WHERE'S WOODY?
EH, HE WENT OUT.
WHERE DID HE GO?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE JUST LOOKED AT ME
WITH A BEAUTIFUL SMILE.
NEXT THING I KNOW HE WAS GONE.
[canned laughter]
HE IS COMING BACK, ISN'T HE?
THAT, MISS THOMAS... IS
A VERY GOOD QUESTION.
[canned laughter]
OH, THAT YOU DEAR?
YES, I'M HOME.
OH, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
WELL, IT STARTED OUT MISERABLY,
AND THEN IT GREW
PROGRESSIVELY WORSE.
[canned laughter]
GUESS WHO I FOUND
SLEEPING ON THE COUCH
IN MY OFFICE THIS MORNING?
THE EXUBERANT ONE?
UH-HMM. COULDN'T FIND A
HOTEL ROOM LAST NIGHT.
AND ABOUT THE TIME WOODY
WAS GETTING HIS EYES OPEN,
EMMET WARD CAME IN RAISING
CAIN ABOUT HIS FIRE INSURANCE.
THEN, WHILE I WAS
TRYING TO COOL HIM OFF,
WOODY FLEW THE COOP AGAIN.
I HAD A LUNCHEON DATE
WITH THREE CLIENTS
ESPECIALLY ARRANGED, SO THEY
CAN MEET WOODY. NO WOODY.
I HAD APPOINTMENT WITH
TWO PEOPLE THIS AFTERNOON
TO MEET HIM.
I COULDN'T FIND
HYDE NOR HAIR OF HIM.
HE'S DISAPPEARED AGAIN.
GONE. VANISHED.
WELL, IF THAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM, I KNOW WHERE HE IS.
[screaming]
[engine revving]
[laughter]
HEY.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
LET... LET ME DRIVE.
OH, GO AHEAD. LET ME DRIVE.
AAH!
[canned laughter]
WHY DIDN'T HE CALL ME?
WHERE HAS HE BEEN?
HEY, BUD.
WHERE'S WOODY NOW?
WELL, HE AND BETTY
WENT IN THE LIVING ROOM.
YOU KNOW, DAD, HE
SURE IS THE GREATEST...
GUY. [canned laughter]
[laughter]
HI, FATHER. [laughing]
OH. HELLO, J.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU ALL DAY.
I'M SORRY.
I GOT INTO THE MOST
FANTASTIC SITUATION.
HONESTLY, FATHER,
YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT.
[laughter]
WELL, STOP LAUGHING,
SO I CAN TELL HIM.
WELL, I FINALLY FOUND A HOTEL
WHERE I COULD GET A ROOM.
BUT THIS SILLY BELLHOP
MIXED UP TWO OF MY SUITCASES
WITH SOME GERMAN MUSICIANS
WHO REGISTERED AT
THE SAME TIME I DID.
[canned laughter]
THEY'RE IN TOWN FOR A
CONCERT OR SOMETHING.
WELL, WAIT NOW WILL YOU?
SO, I WENT UP.
I WENT UP TO SEE THESE FELLOWS
TO GET MY SUITCASES BACK.
AND THIS BIG CHARACTER
THROWS OPEN THE DOOR,
THROWS HIS HANDS IN THE
AIR AND YELLS, "ACH! HEIMER!
"IT'S KOMMEN, THE BASSOON!
I'VE BEEN CALLING
EINE CLING-GA RING-GA."
[canned laughter] [laughter]
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT,
THEY THOUGHT I WAS
A BASSOON PLAYER
THEY CALLED IN TO FILL IN FOR
A REHEARSAL THIS AFTERNOON,
AND I COULDN'T CONVINCE THEM
ALL I WANTED WAS MY SUITCASES.
SO, I...
[laughs]
[canned laughter]
[laughter]
I FINALLY WOUND UP
SITTING IN ON THE REHEARSAL,
PLAYING THE BASSOON
PART ON A CLARINET,
[canned laughter]
WHICH I HAPPEN
TO BE ABLE TO PLAY.
[laughter]
WHEN HE FIRST TOLD US
ABOUT IT THIS AFTERNOON.
BUD HAD ME ROLLING ON THE FLOOR.
[laughing]
SAY STATION HOUSE.
OOH.
STAAYSHUN HAUUUSE.
[canned laughter]
[laughter]
WELL, NOW THAT
YOU'RE FINALLY SETTLED,
MAYBE WE CAN MAKE
SOME DEFINITE PLANS ON...
OOH, I HAVE TO TEAR.
[canned laughter]
OH, LOOK, I WANT YOU ALL TO
HAVE DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU STAY HERE?
NO, I INSIST.
I'VE COMPLETELY CONFUSED
YOUR LIVES FOR TWO DAYS.
NOW, I WANNA MAKE AMENDS.
WOODY, THAT ISN'T NECESSARY.
I KNOW, BUT PLEASE COME
AND BRING KATHY AND BUD.
I'LL MEET YOU AT 7:30.
OH, WE'LL HAVE BIG
FUN. IS IT A DATE?
[chuckles] IF YOU INSIST.
WE'LL SEE YOU AT 7:30.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
[comical music]
BYE.
BYE. [laughing]
BYE.
OH, GOSH.
[laughter]
HURRY BACK.
[engine revs] WAIT A MINUTE!
BYE!
[canned laughter]
WHAT DID YOU WANT?
[tires screeching]
[engine rumbling]
HE INVITED US TO HAVE DINNER
WITH HIM AT 7:30 TONIGHT, RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHERE?
[canned laughter]
OH, HE MUST HAVE MEANT
THE DINING ROOM AT HIS HOTEL.
HE MUST HAVE.
WE'LL JUST GO TO HIS HOTEL.
WHICH HOTEL?
[canned laughter]
DIDN'T HE MENTION
WHERE HE WAS STAYING?
WELL, I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO.
WE'LL JUST PHONE
THE VARIOUS HOTELS
TILL WE FIND THE ONE
WHERE HE'S REGISTERED.
[canned laughter]
ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN START CALLING.
[canned laughter]
[sighs]
I CAN ALMOST HEAR
THE WHEELS TURNING.
I'M AFRAID I MADE A
PROMISE TO JOHN SEASTROM
I CAN'T CARRY THROUGH.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH
THIS LOVABLE SCATTERBRAIN?
I CAN'T JUST KEEP HIM
AROUND FOR LAUGHS.
I MAY HAVE TO CALL THE WHOLE
THING OFF AND SEND HIM HOME.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU PUT OFF
MAKING A DECISION
UNTIL TOMORROW?
YOU'LL GET A CHANCE
TO TALK TO HIM TONIGHT,
AND WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL
FEEL DIFFERENTLY ABOUT HIM.
WE'LL SEE.
[sighs]
I'VE JUST DECIDED SOMETHING.
OH. WHAT HAVE YOU DECIDED?
I'M GOING TO MARRY WOODY.
HUH.
[canned laughter]
[comic music]
[canned laughter]
SAY, YOU'RE A CUTE LITTLE GIRL.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
MY NAME IS KATHY.
WHAT'S YOURS?
I'M BABBIT, THE RABBIT.
[canned laughter]
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE KISS?
OKAY.
OH!
[laughter] OH!
HEY.
THAT'S PRETTY NEAT. [sighs]
WOODY, YOU'RE A
MAN OF MANY TALENTS.
HEY, AS MY DAD SAYS,
"A JACK OF ALL TRADES
AND A MASTER OF NONE."
WHAT COURSE DID
YOU TAKE IN COLLEGE?
WELL, IT VARIED FROM
ONE COLLEGE TO ANOTHER.
YEAH, I WENT TO
THREE OR FOUR, I THINK,
BEFORE DAD FOUND ONE
THAT NEEDED THE MONEY
BADLY ENOUGH TO KEEP ME.
[laughter] [canned laughter]
NOW, WE DON'T
BELIEVE THAT AT ALL.
OH, NO, NO. NO, IT'S TRUE.
I'M THE PROBLEM CHILD
OF THE FAMILY, YOU KNOW?
MY OLDER BROTHER AND
SISTER ARE BOTH BRILLIANT,
SUCCESSFUL LIKE DAD.
I TAKE AFTER MY GRANDFATHER
ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE.
EH... HE RAN A BINGO
PARLOR IN TALLAHASSEE.
[canned laughter] [laughter]
UH, LATER HE PLAYED
PIANO FOR A MEDICINE SHOW
THAT SOLD
CAMPHORATED CATFISH OIL.
[laughter] [canned laughter]
OH, I'M THE DESPAIR OF MY
DEAR MOTHER AND FATHER,
BLESS THEIR LONG,
SUFFERING SOULS,
BUT THEY'RE GIVING ME ONE
MORE CHANCE HERE WITH YOU, J.A.
"GO," MY FATHER SAID,
"GO OFF TO SPRINGFIELD,
"AND IF JIM ANDERSON
CAN'T MAKE A MAN OF YOU,
"THEN YOU'RE THROUGH.
"DON'T BOTHER TO COME HOME,
JUST KEEP RIGHT ON GOING,
BACK TO THE BINGO PARLOR."
[laughter]
[canned laughter]
OH, WOODY, I GUESS IT'S
TIME FOR THE ANDERSONS
TO CALL IT A DAY... OR A NIGHT.
WE THANK YOU.
THE FOOD WAS SUPERB.
THE COMPANY DELIGHTFUL,
BUT TOMORROW IS A WORK DAY.
WE, UH, OPEN THE
OFFICE AT 9, YOU KNOW?
HELLO, EMMET.
WHO'S THAT?
EMMET WARD, ONE OF
MY UNSATISFIED CLIENTS.
I HAVE A PLEA.
COULD BETTY AND I
STAY AND DANCE A WHILE?
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO? OH, I'D LOVE IT.
OH, I DON'T BLAME
YOU. I'D LIKE IT, TOO.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR
KATHY, WE WOULD.
I GUESS IT'S ALL RIGHT,
JUST DON'T BE OUT TOO LATE.
NO, I'LL BRING HER HOME EARLY.
THANKS A LOT, J.A.
SEE YOU IN A WHILE.
SEE YOU LATER.
GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.
WE BETTER GO, MOTHER.
ALL RIGHT, FATHER.
[canned laughter]
I SUPPOSE I DID JUMP THE
GUN A LITTLE IN JUDGING WOODY.
IT COULD BE HE'S NOT A
SCATTERED BRAIN AS WE THOUGHT.
[chuckles]
HE'S CERTAINLY A LIKABLE KID.
AND BRIGHT.
HE HAS ABILITY IF
HE'D JUST USE IT.
OH, I FEEL, AS YOU
BUSINESSMEN SAY,
HE'S A VERY PROMISING YOUNG MAN.
AND I FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIM NOW.
HE MAY WORK OUT ALL RIGHT.
I'M GLAD.
GOOD NIGHT, DEAR.
GOOD NIGHT.
[phone ringing]
OH. [grunts]
OH.
HELLO?
UH, J.A., THIS IS WOODY.
[canned laughter]
WHERE ARE YOU?
WE'RE IN A SERVICE STATION.
YEAH, WE WENT TO A LATE MOVIE
AND I PARKED IN THIS STATION,
WHEN I CAME OUT, I
FOUND I LOST MY KEYS.
[canned laughter]
LATE SHOW, THE CAR
IS IN THE GAS STATION,
AND HE'S LOST HIS KEYS.
OH, NO.
LOOK, J.A., I... I HATE
TO ASK YOU TO DO THIS,
BUT BETTY AND I DON'T HAVE
ENOUGH BETWEEN US FOR CAB FARE.
YEAH, I SPENT A LITTLE
MORE THAN I FIGURED.
YEAH, COULD YOU COME
DOWN AND PICK US UP?
WELL, I SUPPOSE I CAN, BUT...
OH, THANKS A MILLION.
WE'LL BE LOOKING FOR YOU.
WOODY, GET A CAB, COME HOME.
I'LL PAY FOR IT WHEN YOU...
WOODY, WHERE ARE YOU?
WHAT GAS STATION?
[canned laughter]
WOODY!
OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!
THIS DOES IT!
I'M CONVINCED THAT BOY
DOES NOT HAVE A BRAIN.
TOMORROW HE'S THROUGH.
HE CAN GO BACK TO...
THE BINGO PARLOR.
[canned laughter] [sighs]
AND THAT'S THE REASON I HAVE
A CALL-IN FOR YOUR FATHER.
THERE'S NO POINT IN MY...
COVERING FOR YOU, WOODY.
IT'S NO GOOD FOR YOU,
AND IT'S NOT FAIR
TO YOUR FATHER.
I...
I'M REALLY SORRY.
OH, I DON'T BLAME YOU.
I KNOW WHY I GOOF UP EVERYTHING.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY.
EVER SINCE I WAS A KID,
THE ONLY THING I CAN
DO IS MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.
IT'S THE ONLY THING I COULD DO
BETTER THAN MY
BROTHER AND SISTER.
AND I WANTED PEOPLE TO LIKE ME.
I GUESS I WANTED THAT
MORE THAN ANYTHING.
WOODY...
PEOPLE DO LIKE YOU.
THAT YOU'VE ACHIEVED.
BUT YOU'RE A MAN NOW.
AND BEING THE SON OF THE
VICE PRESIDENT OF THIS COMPANY,
YOU HAVE A BIG RESPONSIBILITY.
YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO USE
YOUR ABILITIES FOR SOMETHING
BESIDES... [chuckles]
BEING A PUBLIC CLOWN.
IT'S ABOUT ALL I'VE EVER BEEN.
THEN IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU CHANGE, ISN'T IT?
[knocking on the door] YES?
MR. WARD'S OUT
THERE AND HE'S FUMING.
HE'S THREATENING ALL
SORTS OF HORRIBLE THINGS
IF HE DOESN'T GET THAT POLICY
AND IT HASN'T COME IN YET.
WELL... [sighs]
I SUPPOSE I'LL HAVE
TO... [phone ringing]
YES.
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S MY CALL TO YOUR FATHER.
WILL YOU WAIT OUTSIDE?
YEAH.
TELL MR. WARD I'LL BE
WITH HIM IN A MINUTE.
[sighs]
MR. WARD, WHILE
JIM IS ON THE PHONE,
I THINK YOU AND I
SHOULD GET ACQUAINTED.
UH, MY DAD HAPPENS TO
BE THE VICE PRESIDENT
OF, UH, GENERAL INSURANCE.
AND IF YOU HAVE A
PROBLEM, I GUARANTEE YOU,
WE'LL STRAIGHT IT OUT IF
WE ALL HAVE TO GO BACK
AND PULL THE MAIN OFFICE
APART PIECE BY PIECE TO DO IT.
WELL, I HARDLY THINK... I
MEAN, THINGS COULD GO WRONG
ONCE IN A WHILE IN ANY BUSINESS.
IN MY BUSINESS, THERE IS...
COMING OUT HERE ON A
TRAIN, I MET A SWEDISH FELLA.
UH, HE HAPPENED TO BE IN
THE LUMBER BUSINESS TOO,
ODDLY ENOUGH, IN STOCKHOLM,
AND HE SAID TO ME, "I TELL YOU, I
GOT HEADACHE SHIPPING WOOD.
"I LOAD UP SPRUCE, FINE SPRUCE
ON A BOAT TO GO BY PANAMA.
"THE BOAT SHE COMES BY PANAMA.
"THERE WAS A TYPHOON.
"THE BOAT SHE TIPS
WOOSH OVER THIS SIDE.
"I GOT SPRUCE
FLOATING ON THE OCEAN
ALL THE WAY BY SOUTH AMERICA."
[canned laughter] YES?
I'M WAITING. [laughs]
AND THEN HE SAYS, "I TELL THE
SKIPPER OF THAT NO GOOD BOAT,
"YOU GO SCOOP UP EVERY
STICK SPRUCE FLOATING
OR I SUE YOU UPSIDE
DOWN AND SIDEWAYS."
[canned laughter]
SCOOP UP! [laughs]
[canned laughter] HELLO? JOHN?
YEAH, THIS IS JIM.
I, UH, CALLED YOU ABOUT WOODY.
OH, HE'S ALL RIGHT
NOW. SCOOP UP.
JUST FINE. [laughter]
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, JOHN.
THIS BOY OF YOURS HAS A
MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF CHARM,
AND HE'S JUST
LEARNED HOW TO USE IT...
WHERE IT COUNTS.
[laughter]
[applause]
[theme music]
♪ ♪
Narrator: ROBERT YOUNG
AND JANE WYATT
[laughter]
WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...
IN FATHER KNOWS BEST.
HERE, SPECIAL DELIVERY
LETTER FOR YOU, DAD.
IT REGISTERED.
OH, THANK YOU, BUD.
HMM. WHO'S IT FROM, DEAR?
JOHN SEASTROM
AT THE HOME OFFICE.
WELL, WHO'S JOHN SEASTROM?
WHAT'S IT ABOUT, DAD?
JOHN SEASTROM'S VICE
PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY
AND AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE.
HE HAS A SON WHO'S LEARNING
THE INSURANCE BUSINESS.
HE WANTS TO KNOW
IF I'LL TAKE THE BOY
INTO MY OFFICE FOR A WHILE
AND GIVE HIM SOME EXPERIENCE.
IS HE A BIG BOY OR
IS HE A LITTLE BOY?
OH, HE'S A BIG BOY, TOO
OLD FOR YOU, KITTEN.
[canned laughter]
UH, UM, WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
I DON'T KNOW.
I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
SINCE HE WAS A BABY.
ARE YOU GONNA DO IT, DAD?
I DON'T KNOW.
WE'LL SEE.
YOU KIDS BETTER HEAD FOR SCHOOL.
IT'S 8:20. OH.
YIKES!
OH!
SEE YOU GUYS LATER. YES, YES.
WAIT FOR ME, BUD! OH.
I LOVE YOU.
[canned laughter]
IT WOULD BE
EXCITING, WOULDN'T IT?
HAVING THE SON OF THE VICE
PRESIDENT RIGHT IN YOUR OFFICE?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
EXCITING IS EXACTLY THE WORD.
WHEN DO YOU DECIDE?
OH, BETTY, GIVE HIM A
CHANCE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WHAT'S HIS FATHER LIKE?
GOODBYE, PRINCESS,
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
OH, WELL. BYE.
BYE.
"DEAR JIM, I'M WRITING TO
ASK YOU A PERSONAL FAVOR.
"FOR THE PAST YEAR,
MY SON, ELWOOD,
"HAD BEEN WORKING
HERE IN THE HOME OFFICE
"LEARNING THE
INSURANCE BUSINESS.
"HE'S A BRIGHT BOY. HE
HAS A GOOD EDUCATION.
"BUT DUE POSSIBLY TO A
RATHER EXUBERANT PERSONALITY,
HE HASN'T MADE THE
PROGRESS I EXPECTED."
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
HE MEANS BY THAT?
HMM.
"I FEEL ELWOOD NEEDS
THE RESPONSIBILITY
"OF BEING AWAY FROM
HOME AND ON HIS OWN,
"SO THIS IS THE
FAVOR I'M ASKING,
"JIM, COULD YOU TAKE ELWOOD INTO
YOUR OFFICE AS YOUR ASSISTANT?
"I HAVE GREAT FAITH IN YOU,
"AND FEEL IF ANYONE CAN HELP
HIM FIND HIS PLACE IN THE BUSINESS,
"YOU CAN.
"TRUST THE ARRANGEMENT
MEETS WITH YOUR APPROVAL.
"WIRE ANSWER TO MY HOME ADDRESS.
"SINCERE REGARDS,
JOHN SEASTROM, VICE PRESIDENT,
GENERAL INSURANCE COMPANY."
HMM.
WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE
QUITE AN IMPOSITION
ASKING YOU TO ASSUME
RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS SON.
IT IS. BUT I'M INDEBTED TO JOHN.
HE GAVE ME A BOOST
YEARS AGO WHEN I NEEDED IT.
WELL, IF ONLY YOU KNEW
SOMETHING ABOUT THE BOY.
WELL, WHAT KIND
OF A PERSON HE IS?
WELL, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
I CAN'T VERY WELL ASK FOR
CHARACTER REFERENCES.
[canned laughter]
BESIDES, IF HE'S ANYTHING
LIKE HIS FATHER, HE'S ALL RIGHT.
OPERATOR, GET ME WESTERN
UNION, I WANNA SEND A TELEGRAM.
Y... YOU BETTER
SPEED IT UP, DAD,
IT'S 10 AFTER 8.
ELWOOD'S TRAIN DOESN'T
GET IN UNTIL A QUARTER OF 9,
I'LL BE THERE.
YOU ONLY HAVE 35 MINUTES. ONLY?
I CAN GET TO THE STATION
FROM HERE IN 15 MINUTES
RIDING BACKWARDS
ON A POGO STICK.
[canned laughter]
I'VE NEVER SEEN A
VICE PRESIDENT'S SON.
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
DAD DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
HE'S TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES.
I PICTURE HIM AS TALL, KIND
OF ON THE SLENDER SIDE,
VERY DARK, WITH
KIND OF CURLY HAIR,
A... AND A MUSTACHE MAYBE...
AND JUST A SLIGHT
ENGLISH ACCENT.
WELL, I HATE TO SPOIL
YOUR DREAM, PRINCESS,
BUT YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND HE'S
JUST AN AVERAGE YOUNG MAN.
IF HE'S ANYTHING
LIKE HIS FATHER,
HE'LL HAVE A SQUARE
HEAD AND A SQUARE BODY.
IN FACT, HE'LL BE PRETTY
SQUARE ALL THE WAY AROUND.
NO.
IS HE GONNA HAVE HIS OWN
PRIVATE CAR ON THE TRAIN?
HARDLY. [chuckles]
WE OUGHT TO CALL THE NEWSPAPERS
AND TELL THEM THAT HE'S COMING
AND THEY CAN TAKE
PICTURES OF HIM AND STUFF.
[chuckles] YEAH, HOW
ABOUT THAT, DAD?
I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.
I'LL HIRE A BRASS BAND.
WHEN HE GETS OFF THE
TRAIN, I'LL PUT HIM IN A CAGE
AND WE'LL HAVE A PARADE
RIGHT DOWN MAIN STREET.
[canned laughter]
YOU'RE NOT REALLY GONNA DO THAT?
[canned laughter]
I'M ONLY JOKING.
WELL, EVERYBODY OFF TO SCHOOL,
MAYBE I'LL INVITE
ELWOOD TO DINNER.
WE'LL SEE.
WELL, YOU BE SURE AND
CALL IF YOU'RE BRINGING HOME.
NOW, DON'T WAIT
'TILL THE LAST MINUTE.
I'LL LET YOUR MOTHER
KNOW. [door opens]
AND DON'T MISS THE TRAIN.
I WON'T.
GIVE ELWOOD MY REGARDS.
YES, KITTEN. [canned laughter]
[laughs]
DO YOU HAVE ALL
YOUR INSTRUCTIONS?
THIS BOY IS GONNA GET
THE BIGGEST RECEPTION
SINCE LINDBERG LANDED IN PARIS.
[canned laughter]
YOU'D THINK WE WERE
WELCOMING A CROWN PRINCE.
[chuckles]
I'M AFRAID THE KIDS ARE
IN FOR A DISAPPOINTMENT.
WELL, I'VE BEEN WONDERING
EVER SINCE LAST WEEK
WHEN YOU SENT THAT TELEGRAM.
WHY DID YOU AGREE SO QUICKLY
THAT ELWOOD COME OUT HERE?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, YOU
JUST DON'T UP AND SAY NO
TO THE VICE PRESIDENT
OF THE COMPANY,
ESPECIALLY WHEN
YOU OWE HIM A FAVOR.
IF ELWOOD HAS
ANY ABILITY AT ALL,
I THINK HE'LL BE BETTER OFF
HERE THAN AT THE HOME OFFICE
WITH HIS FATHER WATCHING
OVER HIM EVERY MINUTE.
OLD JOHN'S A FINE MAN,
BUT, UH... HE'S A
BEARCAT TO WORK FOR.
WHAT HAS HE MEANT BY ELWOOD'S
EXUBERANT PERSONALITY?
HMM, IT'S HARD TO TELL.
OLD JOHN'S KIND OF A SOBERSIDES.
TO HIM, ANYONE WHO SMILED BEFORE
BREAKFAST MIGHT BE EXUBERANT.
[chuckles] [canned laughter]
WELL, I'LL HAVE TO GO
OR THERE'LL BE A LOST
AND BEWILDERED BOY
WANDERING AROUND THE STATION.
GOODBYE, HONEY.
GOOD LUCK, DEAR.
I'LL CALL YOU FROM THE OFFICE.
[indistinct chatter]
OH.
PARDON ME, ARE YOU...
[comical music]
[canned laughter]
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
[canned laughter]
SORRY.
OH!
♪ ♪
PARDON ME.
[canned laughter]
OH, I'M SORRY, I... I THOUGHT...
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
OH. PARDON.
♪ ♪
[canned laughter]
♪ ♪
IS THAT YOU, DEAR?
YES, I'M HOME.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GOING TO PHONE.
I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY.
HOW WAS ELWOOD?
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, DIDN'T HE
COME IN ON THE TRAIN?
NOPE!
WHAT HAPPENED?
NOBODY KNOWS.
BUT ELWOOD, WHEREVER HE IS,
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME IN AT
8:45 THIS MORNING ON THE ROCKET.
HE WASN'T ON THE ROCKET.
I MET THE 11:05, THE
1:20 AND THE 3:45.
I SPENT PRACTICALLY THE WHOLE
DAY IN THE RAILROAD STATION.
ELWOOD SEASTROM HAS
DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR.
WELL, THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A
CHANGE OF PLANS OR SOMETHING.
NO, I PHONED THE HOME
OFFICE, TALKED TO JOHN.
WOODY, AS HE CALLS HIM,
BOARDED THE ROCKET RIGHT ON
SCHEDULE HEADED FOR SPRINGFIELD.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
THERE AND HERE, POOF!
VANISHED.
[engine revving up]
[tires squeals]
[canned laughter]
[door closes]
IF THAT ISN'T A
MIRAGE OUT THERE,
I THINK OUR VANISHING
AMERICAN HAS ARRIVED.
[canned laughter]
HELLO THERE. AM I
AT THE RIGHT PLACE?
ARE YOU JIM AND
MARGARET ANDERSON?
THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE.
WE ARE THE ANDERSONS.
AND YOU MUST BE WOODY SEASTROM?
RIGHT. A LITTLE LATE FOR
WHICH I MOST HUMBLY APOLOGIZE,
BUT HERE NEVERTHELESS.
[sighs] WELL, COME IN.
WE... WE THOUGHT YOU WERE LOST.
OH, I'VE BEEN LOST AT LEAST
FIVE TIMES IN THE LAST 24 HOURS.
OH, THESE ROADS.
I BOUGHT A MAP IN CLARKSBURG,
BUT IT MUST HAVE
BEEN A MAP OF CANADA.
[laughs] [canned laughter]
I... I FINALLY FOUND OUT I
WAS GOING ON THE RIGHT ROAD,
BUT IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.
[canned laughter]
WELL, LET'S... LET'S SIT DOWN.
YEAH, THANK YOU.
WE UNDERSTOOD YOU
WERE COMING IN ON THE...
[exclaims]] MOTHER, WOULD
YOU LOOK AT THE CAR...
[canned laughter]
BETTY, THIS IS WOODY SEASTROM.
OUR DAUGHTER, BETTY.
HELLO, BETTY.
WELL, WELCOME TO SPRINGFIELD.
WE THOUGHT YOU WERE
COMING IN ON THE TRAIN.
YEAH, I... I WAS, I
STARTED OUT IN THE TRAIN,
BUT I REMEMBERED A FRIEND
OF MINE LIVE IN CLARKSBURG
SO I... I STOPPED
OFF TO SEE HIM.
IT WAS THROUGH HIM I MET THE
FELLOW WHO OWNS THIS CAR.
HE WAS A SCOTCHMAN ABOUT
YAY TALL WITH A BURST SO THICK
YOU COULD SCARCE TELL
ONE WORD FROM ANOTHER.
[laughter]
WELL, HE WANTED TO SELL
THE CAR AND I ASKED HIM WHY?
"IT'S ME BOOTS," HE SAYS.
"I CANNOT DRIVE THE WEE
BEAST WITH ME BOOTS ON."
[laughter]
"CONSTRUCTED AS I AM," HE SAYS,
"6-FOOT-4, IF I GET
IN WITH ME BOOTS ON,
THERE'S NO ROOM FOR MY FEET."
[canned laughter]
"I MEAN, I CANNOT BE RUSHING
ABOUT IN THESE STOCKINGS."
[laughter]
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE CAR,
SO I ASKED HIM WHAT HE WANTED.
"$1,300," HE SAYS.
"$1,300, AND IT'S A BARGAIN."
SO I BOUGHT IT. [chuckles]
THE ONLY TROUBLE IS I FIND I
CANNOT DRIVE THE WEE BEAST
WITH ME BOOTS ON EITHER.
[canned laughter]
OH, WELL, IT'S BEEN
DELIGHTFUL MEETING YOU ALL.
[chuckles]
OH, UH, YOU'RE LEAVING?
OH, I'M SORRY, J.A.
FORGIVE ME, MRS. ANDERSON.
MAY I CALL YOU MARGARET?
[chuckles] WELL...
WELL, OF COURSE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
DRIVE MY CAR SOMETIME?
I'D LOVE TO.
IT'S A DATE. [sighs]
OH, WHICH WAY IS HILLSBOROUGH?
UH, IT'S 35 MILES NORTH OF HERE.
OH, I'LL FIND IT,
A FRIEND OF MINE FROM
COLLEGE LIVES UP THERE.
AND I PROMISED I'D
DROP IN AND SEE HIM.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU
ALL LATER. BYE.
BYE. GOODBYE, WOODY.
WELL, COME BACK ANYTIME, WOODY.
[canned laughter]
OH, WOODY, WHEN
ARE YOU COMING BACK?
WOODY! [canned laughter]
[car revving up]
YOU SAID HE'D BE
SQUARE AND DULL.
HE'S ABOUT THE MOST
UNDULL BOY I'VE EVER MET.
[phone ringing]
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
OH, IT'S HARD TO
TELL WHAT TO THINK.
ALL I FOUND OUT ABOUT HIM
WAS THAT HE GETS LOST EASILY
AND BOUGHT A SMALL CAR FROM
A SCOTCHMAN WITH BIG FEET.
[canned laughter]
YES, HE'S HERE, JUST A MOMENT.
IT'S FOR YOU, LONG DISTANCE.
HELLO? OH, HELLO, JOHN.
YES, WOODY ARRIVED.
OH, HE STOPPED OFF ON
THE WAY TO SEE A FRIEND.
OH, SURE, HE'S FINE. [chuckles]
NO, HE'S NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.
HE WENT OVER TO
HILLSBOROUGH TO SEE A FRIEND.
[canned laughter]
OH, WE ALL LIKED HIM. [chuckles]
DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM,
JOHN. HE'LL WORK OUT ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL START HIM IN AT
THE OFFICE IN THE MORNING.
OH, I'LL MAKE HIM
WORK, SURE. [chuckles]
WELL, THANKS.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU, TOO.
[canned laughter]
GOOD MORNING, MS. THOMAS.
GOOD MORNING, MR. ANDERSON.
HAS OUR YOUNG
MR. SEASTROM COME IN YET?
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM. DID
YOU FIND HIM YESTERDAY?
YES, HE FINALLY PULLED
IN YESTERDAY AFTERNOON.
HAD TO LEAVE AGAIN
FOR HILLSBOROUGH.
HE'LL PROBABLY SHOW
OFF BEFORE LONG.
OH, MR. WARD PHONED
A FEW MINUTES AGO.
HE SAID HE WAS
COMING RIGHT OVER.
HAS HIS POLICY COME IN YET?
NO, IT HASN'T. OH.
WHAT COULD'VE HAPPENED TO IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS.
OH, YOU GOT SOME OTHER
MESSAGES YESTERDAY AFTERNOON.
THEY'RE IN HERE ON YOUR DESK.
OH!
♪ ♪
[canned laughter] WHO'S HE?
THAT IS ELWOOD SEASTROM.
LITTLE BOY BLUE,
COME BLOW YOUR HORN,
THE SHEEP'S IN THE MEADOW,
THE COWS IN THE CORN.
[canned laughter]
HELLO, JIM.
HOW DID YOU GET UP HERE?
UH, SOME KIND OF A
CONVENTION IN TOWN.
THE ROYAL ORDER OF
MUSKRATS OR SOMETHING.
I COULDN'T FIND A
HOTEL ROOM LAST NIGHT.
IT WAS TOO LATE TO
CALL YOUR HOUSE,
SO I LOOKED UP THE OFFICE
ADDRESS IN THE PHONEBOOK,
AND THE JANITOR LET ME
IN, AND HERE I HAVE SLEPT
IN SWEET REPOSE SINCE THE
HOUR OF MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT.
[canned laughter]
OH! OH, EXCUSE ME.
MS. THOMAS, THIS
IS WOODY SEASTROM,
THE NEW MEMBER OF OUR OFFICE.
HI. REAL GLAD TO MEET YOU.
[doorbell rings] OH,
I'M SORRY ABOUT...
ISN'T ANYONE HERE?
IT'S MR. WARD.
OH, GREAT.
OH, HELLO, EMMET.
COME ON IN.
EMMET, I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET WOODY SEASTROM,
MY NEW ASSISTANT.
HE JUST ARRIVED
FROM THE HOME OFFICE.
WOODY, THIS IS EMMET WARD,
LUMBERMAN PAR EXCELLENCE
AND ONE OF OUR TOP CLIENTS.
HOW DO YOU DO? IT'S
A PLEASURE, MR. WARD.
WHERE IS MY FIRE
INSURANCE? [canned laughter]
WELL, EMMET,
IT HASN'T BEEN RETURNED
FROM THE REGIONAL OFFICE.
A DELAY SOMEWHERE
ALONG THE LINE.
I TRIED TO REACH YOU YESTERDAY
AFTERNOON, BUT YOU WERE OUT.
UH, THERE'S NO REASON
TO BE CONCERNED.
YOU'RE FULLY COVERED.
I TOOK CARE OF THAT THE DAY
YOU SIGNED FOR THE POLICY.
THAT WAS THREE WEEKS AGO.
WHERE IS MY POLICY?
I TOLD YOU, EMMET,
THERE'S BEEN A DELAY
IN GETTING IT OUT FROM
THE REGIONAL OFFICE.
I HAVE A TRACER ON IT,
BUT I GIVE YOU MY WORD
THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
NOTHING?
EXCEPT THAT I PAID YOU A YEAR'S
PREMIUM ON AN INSURANCE POLICY
WHICH I HAVEN'T SEEN?
WHEN A MAN PAYS ME FOR A
LOAD OF LUMBER, I DELIVER IT.
WHEN I PAY FOR THE INSURANCE, I
EXPECT THE SAME CONSIDERATION.
EMMET, YOU ARE INSURED.
I WILL BE HERE TOMORROW MORNING.
I WANT THAT POLICY IN MY HANDS,
OR YOU CAN RETURN MY CHECK
AND WE WILL CONSIDER
OUR DEALINGS FINISHED.
[comical music]
♪ ♪
[door slams]
MS. THOMAS, CALL
THE REGIONAL OFFICE.
TELL THEM I HAVE TO HAVE
THAT WARD POLICY BY TONIGHT.
OH, MR. ANDERSON, I CALLED
THEM YESTERDAY AFTERNOON.
THEY DON'T HAVE THE POLICY.
THEY MAILED IT OUT
OVER A WEEK AGO.
OH, THEY MUST HAVE SENT
IT TO THE WRONG BRANCH.
WHY IS MR. WARD SO UPSET?
HE'S PROTECTED.
I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S A VERY DIFFICULT MAN.
WHERE'S WOODY?
EH, HE WENT OUT.
WHERE DID HE GO?
I DON'T KNOW.
HE JUST LOOKED AT ME
WITH A BEAUTIFUL SMILE.
NEXT THING I KNOW HE WAS GONE.
[canned laughter]
HE IS COMING BACK, ISN'T HE?
THAT, MISS THOMAS... IS
A VERY GOOD QUESTION.
[canned laughter]
OH, THAT YOU DEAR?
YES, I'M HOME.
OH, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
WELL, IT STARTED OUT MISERABLY,
AND THEN IT GREW
PROGRESSIVELY WORSE.
[canned laughter]
GUESS WHO I FOUND
SLEEPING ON THE COUCH
IN MY OFFICE THIS MORNING?
THE EXUBERANT ONE?
UH-HMM. COULDN'T FIND A
HOTEL ROOM LAST NIGHT.
AND ABOUT THE TIME WOODY
WAS GETTING HIS EYES OPEN,
EMMET WARD CAME IN RAISING
CAIN ABOUT HIS FIRE INSURANCE.
THEN, WHILE I WAS
TRYING TO COOL HIM OFF,
WOODY FLEW THE COOP AGAIN.
I HAD A LUNCHEON DATE
WITH THREE CLIENTS
ESPECIALLY ARRANGED, SO THEY
CAN MEET WOODY. NO WOODY.
I HAD APPOINTMENT WITH
TWO PEOPLE THIS AFTERNOON
TO MEET HIM.
I COULDN'T FIND
HYDE NOR HAIR OF HIM.
HE'S DISAPPEARED AGAIN.
GONE. VANISHED.
WELL, IF THAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM, I KNOW WHERE HE IS.
[screaming]
[engine revving]
[laughter]
HEY.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
LET... LET ME DRIVE.
OH, GO AHEAD. LET ME DRIVE.
AAH!
[canned laughter]
WHY DIDN'T HE CALL ME?
WHERE HAS HE BEEN?
HEY, BUD.
WHERE'S WOODY NOW?
WELL, HE AND BETTY
WENT IN THE LIVING ROOM.
YOU KNOW, DAD, HE
SURE IS THE GREATEST...
GUY. [canned laughter]
[laughter]
HI, FATHER. [laughing]
OH. HELLO, J.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU ALL DAY.
I'M SORRY.
I GOT INTO THE MOST
FANTASTIC SITUATION.
HONESTLY, FATHER,
YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT.
[laughter]
WELL, STOP LAUGHING,
SO I CAN TELL HIM.
WELL, I FINALLY FOUND A HOTEL
WHERE I COULD GET A ROOM.
BUT THIS SILLY BELLHOP
MIXED UP TWO OF MY SUITCASES
WITH SOME GERMAN MUSICIANS
WHO REGISTERED AT
THE SAME TIME I DID.
[canned laughter]
THEY'RE IN TOWN FOR A
CONCERT OR SOMETHING.
WELL, WAIT NOW WILL YOU?
SO, I WENT UP.
I WENT UP TO SEE THESE FELLOWS
TO GET MY SUITCASES BACK.
AND THIS BIG CHARACTER
THROWS OPEN THE DOOR,
THROWS HIS HANDS IN THE
AIR AND YELLS, "ACH! HEIMER!
"IT'S KOMMEN, THE BASSOON!
I'VE BEEN CALLING
EINE CLING-GA RING-GA."
[canned laughter] [laughter]
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT,
THEY THOUGHT I WAS
A BASSOON PLAYER
THEY CALLED IN TO FILL IN FOR
A REHEARSAL THIS AFTERNOON,
AND I COULDN'T CONVINCE THEM
ALL I WANTED WAS MY SUITCASES.
SO, I...
[laughs]
[canned laughter]
[laughter]
I FINALLY WOUND UP
SITTING IN ON THE REHEARSAL,
PLAYING THE BASSOON
PART ON A CLARINET,
[canned laughter]
WHICH I HAPPEN
TO BE ABLE TO PLAY.
[laughter]
WHEN HE FIRST TOLD US
ABOUT IT THIS AFTERNOON.
BUD HAD ME ROLLING ON THE FLOOR.
[laughing]
SAY STATION HOUSE.
OOH.
STAAYSHUN HAUUUSE.
[canned laughter]
[laughter]
WELL, NOW THAT
YOU'RE FINALLY SETTLED,
MAYBE WE CAN MAKE
SOME DEFINITE PLANS ON...
OOH, I HAVE TO TEAR.
[canned laughter]
OH, LOOK, I WANT YOU ALL TO
HAVE DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU STAY HERE?
NO, I INSIST.
I'VE COMPLETELY CONFUSED
YOUR LIVES FOR TWO DAYS.
NOW, I WANNA MAKE AMENDS.
WOODY, THAT ISN'T NECESSARY.
I KNOW, BUT PLEASE COME
AND BRING KATHY AND BUD.
I'LL MEET YOU AT 7:30.
OH, WE'LL HAVE BIG
FUN. IS IT A DATE?
[chuckles] IF YOU INSIST.
WE'LL SEE YOU AT 7:30.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
[comical music]
BYE.
BYE. [laughing]
BYE.
OH, GOSH.
[laughter]
HURRY BACK.
[engine revs] WAIT A MINUTE!
BYE!
[canned laughter]
WHAT DID YOU WANT?
[tires screeching]
[engine rumbling]
HE INVITED US TO HAVE DINNER
WITH HIM AT 7:30 TONIGHT, RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHERE?
[canned laughter]
OH, HE MUST HAVE MEANT
THE DINING ROOM AT HIS HOTEL.
HE MUST HAVE.
WE'LL JUST GO TO HIS HOTEL.
WHICH HOTEL?
[canned laughter]
DIDN'T HE MENTION
WHERE HE WAS STAYING?
WELL, I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO.
WE'LL JUST PHONE
THE VARIOUS HOTELS
TILL WE FIND THE ONE
WHERE HE'S REGISTERED.
[canned laughter]
ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN START CALLING.
[canned laughter]
[sighs]
I CAN ALMOST HEAR
THE WHEELS TURNING.
I'M AFRAID I MADE A
PROMISE TO JOHN SEASTROM
I CAN'T CARRY THROUGH.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH
THIS LOVABLE SCATTERBRAIN?
I CAN'T JUST KEEP HIM
AROUND FOR LAUGHS.
I MAY HAVE TO CALL THE WHOLE
THING OFF AND SEND HIM HOME.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU PUT OFF
MAKING A DECISION
UNTIL TOMORROW?
YOU'LL GET A CHANCE
TO TALK TO HIM TONIGHT,
AND WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL
FEEL DIFFERENTLY ABOUT HIM.
WE'LL SEE.
[sighs]
I'VE JUST DECIDED SOMETHING.
OH. WHAT HAVE YOU DECIDED?
I'M GOING TO MARRY WOODY.
HUH.
[canned laughter]
[comic music]
[canned laughter]
SAY, YOU'RE A CUTE LITTLE GIRL.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
MY NAME IS KATHY.
WHAT'S YOURS?
I'M BABBIT, THE RABBIT.
[canned laughter]
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE KISS?
OKAY.
OH!
[laughter] OH!
HEY.
THAT'S PRETTY NEAT. [sighs]
WOODY, YOU'RE A
MAN OF MANY TALENTS.
HEY, AS MY DAD SAYS,
"A JACK OF ALL TRADES
AND A MASTER OF NONE."
WHAT COURSE DID
YOU TAKE IN COLLEGE?
WELL, IT VARIED FROM
ONE COLLEGE TO ANOTHER.
YEAH, I WENT TO
THREE OR FOUR, I THINK,
BEFORE DAD FOUND ONE
THAT NEEDED THE MONEY
BADLY ENOUGH TO KEEP ME.
[laughter] [canned laughter]
NOW, WE DON'T
BELIEVE THAT AT ALL.
OH, NO, NO. NO, IT'S TRUE.
I'M THE PROBLEM CHILD
OF THE FAMILY, YOU KNOW?
MY OLDER BROTHER AND
SISTER ARE BOTH BRILLIANT,
SUCCESSFUL LIKE DAD.
I TAKE AFTER MY GRANDFATHER
ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE.
EH... HE RAN A BINGO
PARLOR IN TALLAHASSEE.
[canned laughter] [laughter]
UH, LATER HE PLAYED
PIANO FOR A MEDICINE SHOW
THAT SOLD
CAMPHORATED CATFISH OIL.
[laughter] [canned laughter]
OH, I'M THE DESPAIR OF MY
DEAR MOTHER AND FATHER,
BLESS THEIR LONG,
SUFFERING SOULS,
BUT THEY'RE GIVING ME ONE
MORE CHANCE HERE WITH YOU, J.A.
"GO," MY FATHER SAID,
"GO OFF TO SPRINGFIELD,
"AND IF JIM ANDERSON
CAN'T MAKE A MAN OF YOU,
"THEN YOU'RE THROUGH.
"DON'T BOTHER TO COME HOME,
JUST KEEP RIGHT ON GOING,
BACK TO THE BINGO PARLOR."
[laughter]
[canned laughter]
OH, WOODY, I GUESS IT'S
TIME FOR THE ANDERSONS
TO CALL IT A DAY... OR A NIGHT.
WE THANK YOU.
THE FOOD WAS SUPERB.
THE COMPANY DELIGHTFUL,
BUT TOMORROW IS A WORK DAY.
WE, UH, OPEN THE
OFFICE AT 9, YOU KNOW?
HELLO, EMMET.
WHO'S THAT?
EMMET WARD, ONE OF
MY UNSATISFIED CLIENTS.
I HAVE A PLEA.
COULD BETTY AND I
STAY AND DANCE A WHILE?
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO? OH, I'D LOVE IT.
OH, I DON'T BLAME
YOU. I'D LIKE IT, TOO.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR
KATHY, WE WOULD.
I GUESS IT'S ALL RIGHT,
JUST DON'T BE OUT TOO LATE.
NO, I'LL BRING HER HOME EARLY.
THANKS A LOT, J.A.
SEE YOU IN A WHILE.
SEE YOU LATER.
GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.
WE BETTER GO, MOTHER.
ALL RIGHT, FATHER.
[canned laughter]
I SUPPOSE I DID JUMP THE
GUN A LITTLE IN JUDGING WOODY.
IT COULD BE HE'S NOT A
SCATTERED BRAIN AS WE THOUGHT.
[chuckles]
HE'S CERTAINLY A LIKABLE KID.
AND BRIGHT.
HE HAS ABILITY IF
HE'D JUST USE IT.
OH, I FEEL, AS YOU
BUSINESSMEN SAY,
HE'S A VERY PROMISING YOUNG MAN.
AND I FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIM NOW.
HE MAY WORK OUT ALL RIGHT.
I'M GLAD.
GOOD NIGHT, DEAR.
GOOD NIGHT.
[phone ringing]
OH. [grunts]
OH.
HELLO?
UH, J.A., THIS IS WOODY.
[canned laughter]
WHERE ARE YOU?
WE'RE IN A SERVICE STATION.
YEAH, WE WENT TO A LATE MOVIE
AND I PARKED IN THIS STATION,
WHEN I CAME OUT, I
FOUND I LOST MY KEYS.
[canned laughter]
LATE SHOW, THE CAR
IS IN THE GAS STATION,
AND HE'S LOST HIS KEYS.
OH, NO.
LOOK, J.A., I... I HATE
TO ASK YOU TO DO THIS,
BUT BETTY AND I DON'T HAVE
ENOUGH BETWEEN US FOR CAB FARE.
YEAH, I SPENT A LITTLE
MORE THAN I FIGURED.
YEAH, COULD YOU COME
DOWN AND PICK US UP?
WELL, I SUPPOSE I CAN, BUT...
OH, THANKS A MILLION.
WE'LL BE LOOKING FOR YOU.
WOODY, GET A CAB, COME HOME.
I'LL PAY FOR IT WHEN YOU...
WOODY, WHERE ARE YOU?
WHAT GAS STATION?
[canned laughter]
WOODY!
OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!
THIS DOES IT!
I'M CONVINCED THAT BOY
DOES NOT HAVE A BRAIN.
TOMORROW HE'S THROUGH.
HE CAN GO BACK TO...
THE BINGO PARLOR.
[canned laughter] [sighs]
AND THAT'S THE REASON I HAVE
A CALL-IN FOR YOUR FATHER.
THERE'S NO POINT IN MY...
COVERING FOR YOU, WOODY.
IT'S NO GOOD FOR YOU,
AND IT'S NOT FAIR
TO YOUR FATHER.
I...
I'M REALLY SORRY.
OH, I DON'T BLAME YOU.
I KNOW WHY I GOOF UP EVERYTHING.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY.
EVER SINCE I WAS A KID,
THE ONLY THING I CAN
DO IS MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.
IT'S THE ONLY THING I COULD DO
BETTER THAN MY
BROTHER AND SISTER.
AND I WANTED PEOPLE TO LIKE ME.
I GUESS I WANTED THAT
MORE THAN ANYTHING.
WOODY...
PEOPLE DO LIKE YOU.
THAT YOU'VE ACHIEVED.
BUT YOU'RE A MAN NOW.
AND BEING THE SON OF THE
VICE PRESIDENT OF THIS COMPANY,
YOU HAVE A BIG RESPONSIBILITY.
YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO USE
YOUR ABILITIES FOR SOMETHING
BESIDES... [chuckles]
BEING A PUBLIC CLOWN.
IT'S ABOUT ALL I'VE EVER BEEN.
THEN IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU CHANGE, ISN'T IT?
[knocking on the door] YES?
MR. WARD'S OUT
THERE AND HE'S FUMING.
HE'S THREATENING ALL
SORTS OF HORRIBLE THINGS
IF HE DOESN'T GET THAT POLICY
AND IT HASN'T COME IN YET.
WELL... [sighs]
I SUPPOSE I'LL HAVE
TO... [phone ringing]
YES.
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S MY CALL TO YOUR FATHER.
WILL YOU WAIT OUTSIDE?
YEAH.
TELL MR. WARD I'LL BE
WITH HIM IN A MINUTE.
[sighs]
MR. WARD, WHILE
JIM IS ON THE PHONE,
I THINK YOU AND I
SHOULD GET ACQUAINTED.
UH, MY DAD HAPPENS TO
BE THE VICE PRESIDENT
OF, UH, GENERAL INSURANCE.
AND IF YOU HAVE A
PROBLEM, I GUARANTEE YOU,
WE'LL STRAIGHT IT OUT IF
WE ALL HAVE TO GO BACK
AND PULL THE MAIN OFFICE
APART PIECE BY PIECE TO DO IT.
WELL, I HARDLY THINK... I
MEAN, THINGS COULD GO WRONG
ONCE IN A WHILE IN ANY BUSINESS.
IN MY BUSINESS, THERE IS...
COMING OUT HERE ON A
TRAIN, I MET A SWEDISH FELLA.
UH, HE HAPPENED TO BE IN
THE LUMBER BUSINESS TOO,
ODDLY ENOUGH, IN STOCKHOLM,
AND HE SAID TO ME, "I TELL YOU, I
GOT HEADACHE SHIPPING WOOD.
"I LOAD UP SPRUCE, FINE SPRUCE
ON A BOAT TO GO BY PANAMA.
"THE BOAT SHE COMES BY PANAMA.
"THERE WAS A TYPHOON.
"THE BOAT SHE TIPS
WOOSH OVER THIS SIDE.
"I GOT SPRUCE
FLOATING ON THE OCEAN
ALL THE WAY BY SOUTH AMERICA."
[canned laughter] YES?
I'M WAITING. [laughs]
AND THEN HE SAYS, "I TELL THE
SKIPPER OF THAT NO GOOD BOAT,
"YOU GO SCOOP UP EVERY
STICK SPRUCE FLOATING
OR I SUE YOU UPSIDE
DOWN AND SIDEWAYS."
[canned laughter]
SCOOP UP! [laughs]
[canned laughter] HELLO? JOHN?
YEAH, THIS IS JIM.
I, UH, CALLED YOU ABOUT WOODY.
OH, HE'S ALL RIGHT
NOW. SCOOP UP.
JUST FINE. [laughter]
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, JOHN.
THIS BOY OF YOURS HAS A
MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF CHARM,
AND HE'S JUST
LEARNED HOW TO USE IT...
WHERE IT COUNTS.
[laughter]
[applause]
[theme music]