Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 2, Episode 5 - Woman in the House - full transcript

Announcer: ROBERT YOUNG...

AND JANE WYATT.

WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...

YES?

Man: MR. JAMES ANDERSON,

YOU ARE A NO-GOOD RAT!

EXCUSE ME, IS THIS
McDERMOTT'S FISH MARKET?

WELL, FOR... VIRG CARLSON!

HI, CHOWDERHEAD! HA HA HA

HOW ARE YOU, VIRG?
YOU OLD SON OF A GUN!

HOW ARE YOU, YOU
DEPLORABLE WRETCH?



WHY, YOU UGLY, MISERABLE WEB!

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN SPRINGFIELD?

I'M GONNA LIVE HERE. WHAT?

I GOT TRANSFERRED.

WHAT HORRIBLE
NEWS FOR SPRINGFIELD.

MY GOSH, JIM, I HAVEN'T
SEEN YOU SINCE, UH...

WELL, SINCE THE DAY
THE ARMY DECIDED

THEY COULD GET ALONG WITHOUT US.

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.

SIT DOWN. BRING ME UP TO DATE.

YOUR LAST LETTER INDICATED

YOU WERE FINALLY GONNA
GET MARRIED. DID YOU?

YEP. FINALLY GOT TRAPPED.

WHAT'S SHE LIKE?
ANYONE I KNOW? NO.



WEARS SHOES? VERY
SELDOM, VERY SELDOM.

HEY, I'M GOING TO CALL MARGARET.

THIS'LL KNOCK HER
RIGHT OFF OF HER FEET.

HOW IS MARGARET? AW, GREAT.

GETS PRETTIER EVERY DAY.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT
YOUR BRIDE. IS SHE...

HELLO? HONEY, I HAVE
TERRIBLE NEWS FOR YOU.

GUESS WHO'S MOVING
TO SPRINGFIELD.

VIRG CARLSON.

OH, HE'S JUST AS UGLY AS EVER.

YES, HE'S MARRIED.

WHAT? GOOD IDEA. IS
YOUR WIFE WITH YOU?

SHE'S AT THE HOTEL. WE
HAVEN'T FOUND A PLACE YET.

MARGARET WANTS YOU TO
HAVE DINNER WITH US TONIGHT.

WELL... THEY'LL COME.

OKAY, FINE, HONEY. GOOD-BYE.

7:00 ALL RIGHT? WELL, SURE, JIM.

BUT THAT'S PRETTY SHORT
NOTICE FOR MARGARET, ISN'T IT?

IT WAS HER IDEA. HERE,
YOU'D BETTER CALL YOUR WIFE.

HOW'S YOUR GOLF GAME? YOU STILL
ABLE TO HOBBLE AROUND A COURSE?

I CAN STAGGER
THROUGH A FEW HOLES.

ENOUGH TO BEAT YOU. HEH HEH.

JILL CARLSON, PLEASE. ROOM 412.

OH?

NO, I'LL SEE HER
LATER. THANK YOU.

HAS SHE LEFT YOU ALREADY?

NO, SHE'S GONE TO THE ZOO.

WELL, JIM BOY, I'VE GOT THINGS
TO DO, BUT I'LL SEE YOU AT 7:00.

607 SOUTH MAPLE, RIGHT?

THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.
HA HA! SEE YOU, VIRG.

OKAY.

TO THE ZOO?

FUNNY HOW OUR
PATHS KEEP CROSSING...

HIGH SCHOOL, COLLEGE,
OUR FIRST JOBS,

THE ARMY, AND NOW HERE.

I KEEP WONDERING
WHAT HIS WIFE IS LIKE.

DID HE SAY MUCH ABOUT HER?

NO, BUT KNOWING HOW
METICULOUS VIRG IS,

IT'S EASY TO IMAGINE HER.

ACTUALLY, ALL I KNOW
IS HER NAME IS JILL

AND SHE WENT TO THE
ZOO THIS AFTERNOON.

THE ZOO?

FATHER, YOUR FRIEND
AND HIS WIFE ARE HERE.

ALREADY? BY GEORGE, IT IS 7:00.

YOU READY, HONEY?

I HOPE I LOOK ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT? OHH.

IF YOU LOOKED ANY MORE
WONDERFUL, I'D... I'D MARRY YOU.

HA HA HA! WELL, YOU CAN
CERTAINLY TELL THAT'S JIM'S SON.

THOSE EYES, THAT NOSE.

THAT INTELLIGENT, HANDSOME LOOK?

MARGARET. VIRG.

MARGARET, YOU LOOK
WONDERFUL, JUST WONDERFUL.

SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

MARGARET, JIM... THIS IS JILL.

HIYA. I PROBABLY
BROKE YOUR TV SET.

EITHER THAT, OR THIS BALLET
DANCER ACTUALLY HAS TWO HEADS.

I'LL FIX IT, JILL.

WE GET A LOT OF TWO-HEADED
PEOPLE ON OUR SET.

OH, JILL, I'M VERY
HAPPY TO KNOW YOU,

AND I THINK IT'S JUST WONDERFUL

THAT YOU AND VIRG ARE
GOING TO COME HERE TO LIVE.

WHY, JIM'S BEEN ACTING LIKE A...

LIKE A LITTLE BOY
WITH A NEW FOOTBALL.

SAME WITH THIS ONE. HE'S BEEN
PRACTICALLY NAUSEATING ABOUT IT.

THERE OUGHT TO BE A
LAW AGAINST OLD GRADS.

WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SEE, JILL?

OH, I DON'T CARE.

OF COURSE, I'M MAD ABOUT
THE FIGHTS AND WRESTLING,

BUT I COULDN'T FIND
ANY. TURN IT OFF.

VIRGIE BABY, GET ME AN ASHTRAY.

OH, THERE'S SOME OVER HERE.

COME ON, SIT DOWN, KNOTHEAD.

SAY, WE MET YOUR DAUGHTER BETTY,

AND WE WERE QUITE
IMPRESSED. VERY PRETTY.

YOU KNOW, I THINK VIRG
HAS A DAUGHTER COMPLEX.

THAT'S HOW HE TREATS ME MOST OF
THE TIME... AS IF I WERE HIS DAUGHTER!

WE'RE PRETTY PROUD OF BETTY.

I'M SORRY BUD ISN'T HERE,
BUT YOU'LL SEE HIM LATER.

OUR LITTLE ONE IS
PLAYING OUTSIDE.

GOOD HEAVENS! YOU HAVE THREE?

OH, I THINK THAT'S
WONDERFUL. JUST WONDERFUL!

HE WOULD. OF COURSE, HE'D
LIKE IT BETTER IF IT WERE SIX.

WHO'S GOT A CIGARETTE?

OH.

THANK YOU, JIMMY.

I'LL LET YOU LIGHT
IT, VIRGIE BABY.

WELL, WHERE ARE THE
COLLEGE YEARBOOKS?

I THOUGHT BY NOW
WE'D BE DEEP IN...

"BY GEORGE, ISN'T
THAT OLD IGGY SYLBART?

"WHATEVER BECAME OF OLD IGGY?

"RUNNING A BANANA
BOAT? WELL, I'LL BE DARNED!

"WHO'D HE MARRY?
VERONICA ZUTCH?!

NO! I THOUGHT SHE'D SPEARED THAT JAVELIN
THROWER OVER AT THE DOUGLAS HOUSE!"

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU START?

OH, I'D MUCH RATHER
HEAR YOU TELL IT.

THIS IGGY SOUNDS LIKE A
PRETTY FASCINATING CHARACTER.

I'VE GOT NEWS
FOR YOU... HE'S NOT.

MARGE, WHAT SHALL WE DISCUSS

WHILE THEY'RE RECALLING
THEIR MISSPENT YOUTH?

YOU READ ANY GOOD BOOKS LATELY?

ACTUALLY, THE CHILDREN KEEP
ME SO BUSY, I NEVER HAVE TIME.

VIRGIE BABY, HAND ME MY GLASSES.

HE HAS TO CARRY THEM FOR
ME BECAUSE I ALWAYS LOSE THEM.

MY FIFTH PAIR. HEH.

SILAS MARNER?

WELL, I, UM... I THINK
ONE OF THE CHILDREN

IS READING THAT FOR SCHOOL.

IT'S... WELL, IT'S
REQUIRED READING.

NO WONDER THEY
DON'T LEARN ANYTHING.

OH, SAY, HAVE YOU READ KAFKA?

NO. HEH. I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHO WROTE IT.

OH, YOU'RE PRICELESS!

FRANZ KAFKA.

HE'S ONE OF MY PETS.
WRITES BEAUTIFULLY.

YOU MUST READ THE TRIAL.
YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST.

I THINK IT COMPARES WITH
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE'S NAUSEA.

THAT'S A BOOK. THAT'S A BOOK.

HIS FIRST NOVEL. AND BETTER
THAN BAUDELAIRE, I THINK.

OF COURSE, YOU'VE
READ BAUDELAIRE.

NO, I HAVEN'T. YOU HAVEN'T?

HONEY, EVERYONE DOESN'T HAVE
THE TIME TO READ THAT YOU DO.

WELL, I DON'T, EITHER,
BUT I MAKE TIME.

JILL LOVES TO READ.

SHE READS THINGS THAT I
DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.

YOU DON'T TRY. VIRG IS THE KIND

WHO READS A STORY
IN THE NEW YORKER

AND SAYS, "WHERE'S THE ENDING?"

OH, POOR VIRGIE WANTS
EVERYTHING SPELLED OUT FOR HIM

IN NEON AND IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

Kathy: HEY, MOMMY!

BOY, YOU SHOULD'VE
SEEN THAT SCARY MOVIE

ME AND PATTY SAW ON TV.

THERE WAS THIS ONE MAN WHO
HAD A SPOOK FOR A GRANDMOTHER,

AND HE... OH.

OH, SHE'S CUTE!

HELLO, HONEY.

MEET YOUR SPOOKY
OLD AUNTIE JILL.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, HONEY?

I'M ALSO VERY GOOD WITH DOGS.

REMINDS ME OF WHAT SOMEBODY
SAID ABOUT W.C. FIELDS ONCE.

"ANY MAN WHO HATES
DOGS AND CHILDREN

CAN'T BE ALL BAD."

DADDY?

DADDY, YOU'RE BEING PAGED.

I THINK SHE WANTS TO ASK
YOU IF I CAME HERE ON A BROOM.

DADDY!

I'LL GO, DEAR. I HAVE TO
SEE ABOUT DINNER ANYWAY.

OH, NEED ANY HELP? I
CAN'T EVEN BOIL WATER,

BUT I'M A DEMON AT CARRYING
PICKLES AND STUFFED OLIVES.

NO, EVERYTHING'S
DONE, THANK YOU.

WELL, HOW EFFICIENT CAN YOU BE?

VIRG, WHY DIDN'T YOU
MARRY SOMEBODY LIKE HER?

PROBABLY EVEN MAKES
HER OWN CLOTHES.

WELL, UM... IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

ANYBODY CARE IF I
TAKE MY SHOES OFF?

OH, HONEY, LEAVE YOUR SHOES ON.

NO, THAT'S OKAY. THE KEYNOTE OF
THE ANDERSON HOUSEHOLD IS COMFORT.

COMPLETE COMFORT!

OHH, I HATE SHOES.

THEY GIVE ME CLAUSTROPHOBIA.

IS SHE REALLY MY AUNT?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

BOY, THAT'S A RELIEF.

I THOUGHT I WAS SEEING
THAT SCARY MOVIE AGAIN.

KATHY, THAT'S NOT
A NICE WAY TO TALK.

SHE'S THE WIFE OF A VERY
DEAR FRIEND OF YOUR FATHER'S,

AND SHE'S OUR GUEST, AND...
AND YOU MUST BE NICE TO HER.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS
HOW THOSE TWO GOT TOGETHER.

HE'S SO... SO BROOKS
BROTHERY, AND SHE'S SO AWFUL...

BETTY, I'M... I'M SURE
SHE'S VERY NICE.

BUT THAT OUTFIT.

LOOKS LIKE SHE GOT
IT AT A RUMMAGE SALE.

BETTY, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.

DO YOU LIKE HER, MOMMY?

I'M SURE SHE'S...
SHE'S VERY NICE.

UH, TELL THEM DINNER'S ON.

YES, MOTHER.

YOU GONNA HIT HER, MOMMY?

OH, KATHY.

HONEY, DON'T BE MAD AT ME
JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE JILL.

I DIDN'T SAY I DIDN'T LIKE HER.

YOU WERE UNCOMFORTABLE
EVERY SECOND.

WHO WOULDN'T BE?
I FELT LIKE A FOOL.

HONEY, THERE WAS NO REASON
FOR YOU TO FEEL LIKE THAT.

NO? HOW WOULD YOU FEEL

IF SOMEONE WAS MAKING
FUN OF YOU ALL EVENING?

SHE WASN'T MAKING FUN OF YOU.

SHE HAS GREAT
ADMIRATION FOR YOU.

LOOK HOW SHE KEPT
COMPLIMENTING YOU.

OH, SURE. MY HOME
COOKING, MY HOME SEWING,

MY HOME... STUPIDITY.

SWEET, PRIM, DUMB
LITTLE PROVINCIAL WIFE.

OH, I CAN'T UNDO
THAT SILLY THING.

DON'T JUST STAND THERE. HELP ME.

HONEY, I'VE NEVER
SEEN YOU LIKE THIS.

AND PLEASE STOP SAYING THOSE
SILLY THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.

NO ONE IN THE WORLD
CAN COMPARE WITH YOU.

NO ONE.

OH, I'M SORRY, DEAR. I
DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING

TO SPOIL YOUR
FRIENDSHIP WITH VIRG, BUT...

WELL, YOU MUST
ADMIT SHE IS DIFFERENT.

LET'S JUST DON'T PUSH THINGS.

LET ME TAKE HER IN SMALL DOSES.

SURE. YOU'RE THE
ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS.

WE PROBABLY WON'T SEE
THEM AGAIN FOR ANOTHER...

FOR ANOTHER WHAT?

OH. WELL... I'LL CANCEL THAT.

JIM, I HATE TO BOTHER YOU
SO EARLY IN THE MORNING,

BUT I'VE GOT A LITTLE PROBLEM.

OH, ANYTHING SERIOUS, VIRG?

I GOT A WIRE FROM MOTHER.
SHE'S SELLING THE HOUSE

AND GOT IT ALL BALLED UP.

I HAVE TO FLY BACK THERE
AND STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT.

OH, THAT'S A SHAME.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP? WHAT
ABOUT YOUR PLANE RESERVATION?

WELL, I'M ALL SET
ON THAT, BUT I, UH...

I'M NOT TAKING JILL WITH ME. OH?

SHE... WELL, SHE AND MOTHER
DON'T HIT IT OFF TOO WELL.

IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE
THINGS, YOU KNOW.

YEAH.

JILL'S REALLY A
VERY FINE PERSON.

OH, SHE IS, DEFINITELY.

I HATE TO LEAVE HER ALONE.

SHE GETS KIND OF FRIGHTENED
WHEN SHE'S BY HERSELF.

I WAS WONDERING IF...

IF IT'D BE TOO MUCH BOTHER

IF SHE STAYED AT YOUR PLACE...

JUST FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

IT'S NOT BOTHER AT ALL.
WE'D LOVE TO HAVE HER.

I KNOW THIS IS A
LOT TO ASK, JIM.

OH, FORGET IT. I WAS
GONNA BRING IT UP MYSELF.

WELL, IT TAKES A LITTLE WHILE

TO REALLY GET TO KNOW JILL...

LOOK, WE'LL TAKE GOOD
CARE OF HER. DON'T WORRY.

WHAT TIME'S YOUR PLANE?

I'D BETTER HURRY. I
STILL HAVE TO PACK.

JIM, I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW
MUCH I APPRECIATE THIS.

YOU'RE THE ONE GUY...

CUT IT OUT. IT'S
OUR PLEASURE, VIRG.

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR TRIP.

THANKS, JIM.

SO, YOU CAN SEE
HOW IT IS, MARGARET...

MY BEST FRIEND...
WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?

I COULDN'T VERY
WELL TURN HIM DOWN.

WELL, I... I THINK IT'S FINE.

AFTER ALL, SHE DOESN'T
KNOW A SOUL IN TOWN,

AND HE CAME RIGHT
OUT AND ASKED ME.

I SAID IT WAS FINE WITH ME.

IT'LL ONLY BE FOR A COUPLE
OF DAYS, MAYBE EVEN LESS.

JIM, I TOLD YOU I
WAS FOR IT, AND I...

WELL, I WOULD'VE
SUGGESTED IT MYSELF.

WELL... GOOD.

IT'LL GIVE US A CHANCE TO
GET TO KNOW HER BETTER.

WHERE'S OUR GUEST?

I THOUGHT SHE'D BE
EATING BREAKFAST.

SHE'S OUT THERE. AND
LOOK WHAT SHE'S DOING.

IS THERE NO END TO
THE LADY'S TALENTS?

IT'S PRETTY SILLY,
IF YOU ASK ME.

I WONDER WHAT THE
NEIGHBORS ARE THINKING.

WHAT THE NEIGHBORS
ARE THINKING ABOUT WHAT?

THAT. HMM?

IT SEEMS WE HAVE A LADY
DiMAGGIO IN OUR MIDST.

SHE HAS A GOOD PEG.

THROWS A PRETTY FAIR CURVE, TOO.

SHE CERTAINLY THREW US ONE.

BETTY, I TOLD YOU NOT
TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.

SHE'S OUR GUEST. I KNOW, MOTHER.

BUT MY GOSH, SHE'S
MAKING A WRECK OF YOU.

WAITING ON HER,
PICKING UP AFTER HER.

SHE'S GOT YOU ALL TIED
UP IN LITTLE BITTY KNOTS.

YOU DON'T SEEM
LIKE YOURSELF AT ALL.

I FEEL PERFECTLY FINE.

HURRY UP OR YOU'LL
BE LATE FOR SCHOOL.

ALL RIGHT, MOTHER,
BUT ISN'T IT...

BETTY, IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL.

YES, FATHER.

SOMEBODY BETTER GO
OUT AND TELL BUD, TOO.

YEAH.

OKAY.

OKAY, BUSTER, LET'S
SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!

SORRY TO BREAK UP THIS BATTERY,

BUT YOUR PARTNER
HAS TO GO TO SCHOOL.

Bud: HEY, WATCH OUT, JILL!

JILL, ARE YOU HURT?

WELL, IT DIDN'T DO ME ANY GOOD.

LET ME SEE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
GONNA LOOK AWAY JUST THEN.

OH, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE A NICE LITTLE GOOSE EGG.

BUD, GET ME SOME
ICE IN A COLD CLOTH.

OH, DON'T BOTHER.
I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

JUST A LITTLE DIZZY.

BUT ON ME, IT LOOKS NATURAL.

WELL, I'M OFF TO A
GREAT START TODAY.

ONLY BREAKFAST TIME,

AND LOOK AT ALL THE
TROUBLE I'VE CAUSED ALREADY.

OH, IT'S NO TROUBLE.

ARE YOU HURT BADLY, JILL?

SEE? RIGHT HERE.

WHERE DOES SHE WANT
THIS? ON THE HEAD?

IT'S BEGINNING TO SWELL.
HERE, LET ME HAVE THAT.

I'LL DO IT. YOU'LL BE
LATE FOR THE OFFICE.

WELL, I HAVEN'T HAD BREAKFAST.

YOU CAN GET SOMETHING IN TOWN.

I'LL BE MUCH TOO BUSY
TO FIX YOU ANYTHING.

WELL, OKAY.

SEE YOU TONIGHT, HONEY.

OH, I HOPE YOU
FEEL BETTER, JILL.

I'M SURE SHE'LL
RECOVER QUITE SPEEDILY.

GOOD-BYE, DEAR.

MOMMY!

HI, KATH. OH, HELLO.

YOU STILL HERE?

YEAH, I'M GETTING KIND
OF UNBEARABLE, HUH?

WON'T BE MUCH LONGER, THOUGH.

VIRG WILL BE BACK
TOMORROW... I HOPE.

WANT TO SEE WHAT I GOT?

SURE, WHAT YOU GOT, KATH?

COME ON DOWN HERE.
BUT BE AWFUL CAREFUL.

AAAAAH!

IT'S JUST A LITTLE FROG.

NOW WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WE'RE JUST PLAYING
WITH MY NEW LITTLE FROG.

KATHY, LOOK AT THE
FLOOR. AND LOOK AT YOU.

YOU GO UPSTAIRS
AND SCRUB UP GOOD

AND WASH YOUR HAIR.

I CAN'T DO THAT ALONE.
WILL YOU HELP ME?

I WILL IN A MINUTE. I HAVE
TO CLEAN THIS UP FIRST.

OHH! OH LET ME DO
IT. I'LL CLEAN IT UP.

NO, NO, I'LL DO IT.

THANK YOU.

WILL YOU BRING THE FROG
UP SO I CAN PUT HIM IN THE TUB?

NO!

OH, HI, JILL. OR...
MRS. CARLSON.

HOW'S YOUR HEAD? OH, IT'S FINE.

ANOTHER HOLE IN THIS HEAD
WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

YEAH. YOU FEEL WELL ENOUGH

TO GO OUT AND CATCH A FEW?

WELL, I... YOU HAVE
HOMEWORK TO DO, BUD.

YOU'D BETTER GET IT DONE NOW...

BECAUSE THIS IS
YOUR HIGH WIRE NIGHT.

OH, YEAH. I FORGOT
ALL ABOUT THAT.

HEY, MAYBE YOU
COULD HELP ME WITH IT.

IT'S ENGLISH GRAMMAR. YOU'RE
PRETTY GOOD AT STUFF LIKE THAT.

SURE. THAT THERE GRAMMAR JUNK

ARE ONE THING AT WHICH I
ARE REAL GOOD AT WHICH.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT WE GOTTA DO.

BUD, DON'T BOTHER MRS. CARLSON.

SHE'S NOT FEELING WELL.

SHE DOESN'T MIND. DO YOU?

SEE THESE SENTENCES? WE
GOTTA PICK OUT THE SUBJUNCTIVE

AND ALL THAT STUFF.

"JIMMY WISHED THE WOMAN
WOULD LEAVE THE DOG WITH HIM."

IS THAT INDICATIVE
OR SUBJUNCTIVE?

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

"WISHED THE WOMAN WOULD LEAVE."

IS THAT INDICATIVE?

VERY. HUH?

I SUPPOSE SHE JUST SAT THERE AND
WATCHED YOU CLEAN UP THE MESS.

WELL, VIRG WILL BE
HERE TOMORROW,

AND EVERYTHING WILL
BE BACK TO NORMAL.

HELLO? YES. YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

THIS IS LONG DISTANCE.
MAYBE IT'S VIRG.

HELLO? HELLO, VIRG.

NO, THIS IS MARGARET.
OH, SHE'S FINE.

YES, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WILL YOU BE BACK TOMORROW?

WE'RE ALL TERRIBLY
ANXIOUS TO SEE YOU.

OH.

OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY
TO HEAR THAT, VIRG.

OH, NO. NO, IT'S NO IMPOSITION.

CERTAINLY NOT.

YES, JUST A
MINUTE. I'LL CALL HER

HE WON'T BE BACK FOR
TWO OR THREE DAYS.

OH, YES. AND ON THIS SENTENCE,

HE SAID THE PHRASE
"DIVIDED HIGHWAY"

WAS A SPLIT INFINITIVE.

I OUGHT TO SPLIT AN INFINITIVE

RIGHT OVER YOUR SILLY HEAD.

OH, HI, HONEY.

JILL, VIRG WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU

ON THE TELEPHONE.

OH, REALLY?

VIRGIE? OH, IT'S SO GOOD
TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.

MOTHER, I'VE BEEN THINKING...

SET THE TABLE
FOR DINNER, PLEASE.

YES, BUT, MOTHER, I'M
NOT GOING TO STAND BY

AND WATCH YOU BECOME A
REPRESSED NEUROTIC JUST BECAUSE...

WHO'S NEUROTIC?

I AM. I'M PART NEUROTIC
AND PART NORWEGIAN.

WHAT ARE YOU?

FATHER, NOW, YOU LISTEN.

THE TIME HAS COME TO TAKE STEPS.

ARE YOU LISTENING? MM-HMM.

IN MY PSYCHOLOGY BOOK,

IT SAYS WHEN TWO PERSONS
WITH CONFLICTING PERSONALITIES

ARE THROWN TOGETHER
FOR A PROLONGED PERIOD...

THANK YOU FOR YOUR
ADVICE, MR. ANTHONY.

I'LL TAKE THE CHILDREN AND
RETURN TO MY FORMER HUSBAND.

FATHER, I'M NOT A
CHILD, SO PLEASE...

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE A YOUNG
LADY, AND A VERY ATTRACTIVE ONE.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE ALSO
VERY GOOD AT SETTING TABLES.

NOW, MADAM, YOUR PROBLEM.

YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND BEATS
YOU WITH SECONDHAND ZITHER,

AND HE DOESN'T EVEN BELONG
TO THE MUSICIANS' UNION.

OH, HONEY, WHY
DON'T YOU BLOW UP?

THROW THINGS, FILL
OVER. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

OH, JIM, I KNOW I'M BEING SILLY,

BUT I... I JUST CAN'T HELP IT.

I FEEL ALL TIED UP IN KNOTS.

THIS HAS GOTTEN UNDER MY SKIN.

I FEEL LIKE... LIKE...

A REPRESSED NEUROTIC?

ONE WHO'S BEEN BEATEN
WITH A SECONDHAND ZITHER.

I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I DO. WHEN VIRG GETS
HOME TOMORROW...

HE WON'T BE HERE, NOT
FOR TWO OR THREE DAYS YET.

THAT'S WHY HE CALLED.

OH?

WELL, THAT SETTLES IT. JILL
GOES BACK TO THE HOTEL.

JIM, WE CAN'T DO THAT.

SHE'S OUR GUEST. AND WHAT
ABOUT VIRG? HOW WILL HE FEEL?

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
THAT MATTERS TO ME... YOU.

WELL, HURRY HOME, SWEETIE.

HURRY, HURRY, HURRY.

I NEED YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

BYE.

MOMMY!

WHAT'S THE MATTER, FROGGY?

YOU GOT PROBLEMS, TOO?

I CAN'T GET ANYBODY
TO "CHAMPOO" ME.

WELL, HOW ABOUT ME? I'M
A CHAMPEEN CHAMPOOER.

YOU? OH, DON'T LOOK SO DOUBTFUL.

I'M NOT A COMPLETE BUST.

HEY! DON'T GET ANY IN MY EYES!

OH, STOP WORRYING,
FROGGY. I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE.

ON YOUR OWN LITTLE GIRLS?

NO. I DON'T HAVE
ANY LITTLE GIRLS.

NOT ANY? NOPE.

DON'T YOU GET AWFUL LONESOME?

KATH... THAT'S THE
UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE WEEK.

HEY, PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN
HERE AND WE'LL RINSE IT.

HAVE YOU GOT A MOMMY?

NOT ANYMORE. COME ON.

ANY FRIENDS?

STOP ASKING SO MANY
QUESTIONS, FROGGY,

AND DIP THE NOGGIN.

I GOT LOTS OF FRIENDS.

WELL, DON'T LOSE THEM, HONEY.

SOME OF US JUST DON'T SEEM TO
HAVE A TALENT FOR MAKING FRIENDS.

AND BOTCH EVERY
OPPORTUNITY THAT COMES ALONG.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS?

I SURE DO.

A WONDERFUL ONE.

AND I'M MARRIED TO HIM.

GEE, YOU OUGHT TO
HAVE MORE THAN ONE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

HI, MOMMY.

OH!

MY HAIR'S ALL WASHED, MOMMY.

SHE HELPED ME.

SHE DID?

KATHY, WHY WAS SHE CRYING?

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I'M UNPOPULAR.

I TOLD HER I WAS
GONNA BE HER FRIEND,

AND IT MADE HER CRY.

OH.

AND SHE NEEDS SOME FRIENDS, TOO.

SHE ONLY HAS ONE, AND
SHE'S MARRIED TO HIM.

MAYBE SHE DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS.

MAYBE.

AND MAYBE SOME OTHERS
DON'T GIVE HER THE CHANCE.

JILL, MAY I COME IN?

I, UH, HEAR VIRG IS HAVING
A LITTLE MORE DIFFICULTY

THAN HE FIGURED.

OH, BUT DON'T WORRY. I'M
GOING BACK TO THE HOTEL.

OH, I DIDN'T MEAN
THAT... BUT I DO.

I... I KNOW I'VE MADE
A MESS OF THINGS.

IT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN
VIRG LEAVES ME ALONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DO WRONG.

I TRY TO GET ALONG WITH
PEOPLE, WITH WOMEN,

BUT EVEN VIRG'S MOTHER HATES ME,

AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

SHE'S JUST MAKING
UP HALF THIS TROUBLE

TO KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME.

WELL, JILL, LOOK...
NO, JIM, PLEASE.

I CAN'T JUST SIT AROUND
AND TWIDDLE MY THUMBS.

IF I COULD BE OF SOME HELP,
SCRUB A FLOOR, DO ANYTHING.

BUT MARGARET DOESN'T WANT
ME AROUND, AND I DON'T BLAME HER.

POOR VIRG.

HE HOPED THAT SHE AND I
WOULD BE SUCH GREAT FRIENDS.

Margaret: JILL?

THANK YOU FOR SHAMPOOING KATHY.

HONEY, JILL'S MOVING
BACK TO THE HOTEL.

AND LEAVE ME TO GET DINNER?

JILL, NOW, I WANT A
STRAIGHT ANSWER FROM YOU.

HOW ARE YOU AT MASHING POTATOES?

WELL, I... I'M PRETTY GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, THEN. DON'T
JUST STAND THERE.

YOU AND I HAVE GOT
THREE HUNGRY KIDS TO FEED.

NOT TO MENTION THIS ONE.

YES, SIR.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER...

OF A SECONDHAND ZITHER.

WELL, WAS THAT
WHEN YOU MET VIRG?

NO, IT WAS KIND OF
SILLY THE WAY I MET HIM.

IT WAS IN A MEXICAN
FIESTA IN EL PASO.

I FELL OFF A TAMALE WAGON

INTO THE ARMS OF
THIS GOOD-LOOKING MAN

WHO HAPPENED TO BE WALKING BY.

THAT WAS VIRG.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING
ON A TAMALE WAGON?

TRYING TO GET A BETTER
LOOK AT THE GOOD-LOOKING MAN

WHO WAS WALKING BY.

MARGARET! I NEED A BUTTON
SEWED ON THIS SHIRT FOR TOMORR...

OH, I THOUGHT MARGARET WAS HERE.

SHE'S IN THE LIVING
ROOM. DIDN'T YOU SEE HER?

UH-UH.

BUT YOU'D BETTER
LEAVE THAT SHIRT WITH ME.

I'D LIKE TO PRACTICE
UP AND SURPRISE VIRG

WHEN HE COMES BACK TOMORROW.

BESIDES, YOU'LL NEVER GET ANY
WORK OUT OF THAT WIFE OF YOURS.

HMM?