Father Knows Best (1954–1960): Season 2, Episode 27 - Family Reunion - full transcript

Margaret's family is planning a reunion. While Margaret is excited, Jim and the children are not. They make excuses to not go because it is boring.

(theme music playing)

ROBERT YOUNG...

AND JANE WYATT.

(laughter)

WITH ELINOR DONAHUE, BILLY
GRAY, AND LAUREN CHAPIN...

11... (doorbell
rings) 12... 13...

(doorbell rings) 14...

OH, BUD, CAN'T YOU
HEAR THE DOORBELL?

15... WHERE'S BETTY?

16, 17... HOW DO YOU DO, MADAM?

KATHY, PLEASE, PLEASE
DON'T RING THE DOORBELL.



MADAM, WILL YOU BUY
FOUR DOZEN GLAZED DONUTS

TO HELP SEND THE LITTLE
SQUAWS TO CAMP OKOBOJI?

I DON'T SEE ANY DONUTS.

I HAVEN'T GOT THEM YET.
YOU HAVE TO HELP MAKE THEM.

OH, FINE!

25...

WELL, I DID IT.

25 PUSHUPS.

WOULD YOU GET ME
A DRINK OF WATER?

NO. YOU CAN GET IT
ON YOUR OWN TIME.

WAS THAT SOMEBODY
AT THE DOOR FOR ME?

NOT UNLESS YOU WANT
FOUR DOZEN GLAZED DONUTS.

WHAT WOULD I WANT WITH
FOUR DOZEN GLAZED DONUTS?

THERE'S THE MOST INTERESTING
QUESTION I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.



HONEY, GUESS WHAT? DAD!

I'M GOING TO DO
SOMETHING FOR YOU.

25 PUSHUPS, DAD!

GOOD. YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS,

BUT I FINALLY REMEMBERED TO
BRING HOME A ROLL OF SCREEN.

AT LAST I'M GONNA FIX
THOSE SCREENS FOR YOU!

NO, I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT. IT'S TRUE.

25 WITHOUT STOPPING, DAD.

WELL, I HAVE SOME NEWS, TOO.

I GOT A LETTER FROM MY SISTER.

OH, WHICH ONE? ESTHER?

YES. SHE WANTS US
ALL TO COME OVER

TO LEMON FALLS TOMORROW
FOR THE... FAMILY REUNION.

OH?

YES.

SOUNDS WONDERFUL, DOESN'T IT?

YEAH.

AND SHE SAYS, UH...

"AND I THINK IT WOULD
BE NICE IF YOU WOULD..."

PICK UP COUSIN IONE.

(laughs) YES.

"IF YOU WOULD PICK UP COUSIN
IONE ON YOUR WAY OVER HERE."

I'VE OFTEN WONDERED WHAT
KIND OF A MAP ESTHER USES.

EVERY YEAR SHE ASKS
US TO PICK UP COUSIN IONE

ON THE WAY TO LEMON FALLS.

LEMON FALLS IS
104 MILES THAT WAY,

AND COUSIN IONE
LIVES 23 MILES THAT WAY.

HOW DOES SHE...

YOU DON'T MIND
PICKING HER UP, DO YOU?

NO, I DON'T MIND. IT'S JUST
THAT HER GEOGRAPHY...

NO. I DON'T MIND.

WELL, ANYWAY...

"I WONDER IF YOU WOULD BRING..."

TWO POTS OF BEANS.

WHAT'D YOU SAY? NOTHING.

"AND I WONDER IF YOU WOULD BRING

TWO POTS OF THOSE WONDERFUL
BEANS YOU ALWAYS BRING."

WELL, I'D BETTER GET BUSY.

ESTHER'S PLANNING THE
DINNER FOR AROUND 2:00,

SO WHAT TIME DO YOU THINK
WE OUGHT TO START, DEAR?

INASMUCH AS WE HAVE TO
MAKE THAT 25-MILE SHORTCUT

PAST COUSIN
IONE'S, I'D SAY, UH...

WE SHOULD BE ON
THE ROAD BY 9:00.

DADDY? YEAH.

YOU WANT TO BUY SOME DONUTS?

NO.

SO MANY BEANS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
COOKING FOR THE NAVY?

NOT QUITE.

HONEY, I JUST
REALIZED SOMETHING.

ABOUT THE FAMILY
REUNION OVER AT, UH...

LEMON FALLS TOMORROW. YES?

GOSH, I'M JUST AFRAID I'M
NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO MAKE IT.

THIS IS THE WEEKEND I PLANNED
TO FIX THOSE SCREENS FOR YOU.

WELL, I WAITED FOUR YEARS
TO GET THOSE SCREENS FIXED.

I THINK I CAN STRUGGLE
THROUGH ONE MORE WEEK.

THAT'S JUST IT. THIS IS JUST
ABOUT THE ONLY FREE WEEKEND

I'M GONNA HAVE FOR...
WELL, QUITE A WHILE.

AND WE SURE OUGHT
TO GET THAT DONE.

LOOK AT THAT GAPING HOLE THERE.

A SWARM OF FLIES COULD
DRIVE A TRUCK THROUGH THERE.

NOT MANY FLIES AROUND
HERE DRIVE TRUCKS.

YEAH, THAT SURE
OUGHT TO BE FIXED.

JIM, YOU KNOW HOW ESTHER
LOOKS FORWARD TO THIS.

SHE PLANS ON IT EVERY YEAR.

SURE, I KNOW,
AND I'D LIKE TO GO,

BUT... I'LL TELL YOU... WHY
DON'T YOU AND THE KIDS GO?

YOU'LL HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME.

THE PICNIC, SEEING ALL
YOUR RELATIVES, AND... AND...

MOTHER? I'M AFRAID I
WON'T BE ABLE TO GO, EITHER.

OH? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO?

HELP PREPARE THE SCREENS?

NO, I... THERE'S THIS TRACK
MEET TOMORROW AFTERNOON.

THE DISTRICT TRACK MEET.

YOU KNOW... HIGH SCHOOL.

AND YOU'RE JUMPING
THE HIGH HURDLES?

NO, BUT... WELL, I
PROMISED RALPH...

VERY FAITHFULLY PROMISED HIM

THAT I'D BE THERE.
HE'S PUTTING THE SHOT.

WELL, CAN'T HE PUT
IT WITHOUT YOU?

IF HE'S THAT WEAK, HE SHOULDN'T
HAVE ENTERED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WE PLANNED TO DO
SOMETHING AFTER WITH STU.

YOU KNOW, I COULD'VE
ARRANGED ANOTHER FREE WEEKEND

IF I'D HAD SOME WARNING
THIS REUNION WAS COMING UP.

KIND OF SHORT NOTICE.

ESTHER NEVER INVITES
YOU. SHE JUST GOES AHEAD

AND ARRANGES THINGS
AND THEN TELLS YOU.

SHE ACCIDENTALLY PUT THE
WRONG ADDRESS ON THE ENVELOPE.

THAT'S WHY IT WAS DELAYED.

Bud: MOM? (sighs) YES?

WHAT IS MORE
IMPORTANT THAN HEALTH?

NOTHING. IT IS A KNOWN FACT

THAT PEOPLE FEEL BETTER
WHEN THEY ARE HEALTHY.

A MAN'S BODY IS HIS TEMPLE,

AND HE SHOULD DO EVERYTHING
TO KEEP HIS TEMPLE IN GOOD...

ALL RIGHT. SO, WHAT'S YOUR
EXCUSE? WHY CAN'T YOU GO?

WELL, CLAUDE AND ME...

ME AND CLAUDE ARE GONNA
BUILD A GYMNASIUM TOMORROW...

TO EXERCISE IN.

BUILD A GYMNASIUM. OH,
BROTHER, ARE YOU REACHING.

WE ARE GONNA BUILD
ONE, IN THE GARAGE.

WEIGHTLIFTING,
HORIZONTAL BARS, TRAPEZES.

AND THOSE RINGS WE CAN HANG...

BY YOUR TAILS FROM.

IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'LL GET
PLENTY OF EXERCISE AT THE PICNIC.

DON'T YOU AND ALEX
USUALLY PLAY CATCH,

AND, UH... AND WHAT'S HIS NAME?

OLIVE'S SON... NORTON.

NORTON? HE'S A CREEP.

YOU KNOW WHAT
KIND OF A GUY HE IS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
KIND OF GUY HE IS.

IF THE BALL GOES OVER...

YOU KNOW THAT HEDGE
THEY GOT OUT THERE?

WHY, HE SITS DOWN AND SAYS,

"YOU DON'T EXPECT ME
TO GO GET IT, DO YOU?"

SHEEEE!

YOU CAN GO AFTER
THE BALL, CAN'T YOU?

HECK NO! I'M SITTING DOWN, TOO.

YOU DON'T EXPECT
ME TO GET IT, DO YOU?

WELL, I THINK YOU SHOULD
GO WITH YOUR MOTHER.

IT'D BE NICE TO
HAVE A MAN ALONG,

HELP UNLOAD THE BEANS AND ALL.

Bud: BUT, DAD, CLAUDE'S
FIGURING ON THIS.

WELL, I REALLY
DID PROMISE RALPH.

REALLY.

I NEVER SAID YOU DIDN'T.

SEE, WHAT WE WANT TO DO,

IS BUILD UP THE OLD
MUSCLES, TONE THEM UP.

'CAUSE A MAN'S
BODY IS HIS TEMPLE...

LOOK, SON, I THINK
MUSCLES ARE FINE.

BUT YOU'D BETTER GO TO
LEMON FALLS TOMORROW.

YOU CAN POSTPONE ALL THIS.

WHY DON'T YOU GO?

WELL, I WOULD, BUT
I... I CAN'T VERY WELL.

DADDY, DO YOU REALIZE

IT'S GOING TO TAKE OVER
200 DOZENS OF DONUTS

TO GET ME TO CAMP OKOBOJI?

DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
VERY GOOD MILEAGE.

DAD, I WOULDN'T MIND
GOING, BUT, WELL...

WHEN YOU'VE BEEN TO ONE
REUNION, YOU'VE BEEN TO ALL OF THEM.

IS UNCLE WARD GONNA BE THERE?

THEY'LL ALL BE THERE. EVERY
RELATIVE WITHIN 900,000 MILES.

WELL, I JUST WISH HE'D
STOP SAYING TO ME,

"WELL, I'LL BET HERE'S A
LITTLE GIRL WHO LIKES CANDY."

SAYS IT AND SAYS IT AND SAYS IT.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
YOU LIKE CANDY, DON'T YOU?

SURE. BUT HE NEVER GIVES ME ANY.

AND IT'LL BE THE
SAME AGAIN THIS YEAR.

EVERYTHING'S THE SAME.

I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW
EXACTLY WHAT WE'LL EAT,

EXACTLY WHERE EVERYBODY'LL
SIT AT THE PICNIC TABLES,

AND EXACTLY WHAT
EVERYBODY'LL SAY.

THE MEN WILL TALK ABOUT HOW
GOOD THEIR OLD CARS ARE RUNNING,

AND THE WOMEN WILL TALK
ABOUT HOW BAD THEIR HEALTH IS.

I'LL BET AUNT MADDIE'S HAD
HER APPENDIX OUT SIX TIMES NOW.

"AND YOU WON'T
BELIEVE THIS, HAZEL,

"BUT I WAS UNDER
THE KNIFE FOUR HOURS.

FOUR HOURS I WAS
UNDER THE KNIFE, HAZEL!"

"I DON'T SEE HOW
YOU LIVE, OLIVE.

"I DON'T SEE.

"OH, WHY, BUD, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

"WHERE'S YOUR APPETITE?
YOU'VE ONLY EATEN SEVEN HELPINGS

"OF BESSIE'S GERMAN
POTATO SALAD.

"HERE, HAVE A LITTLE MORE.

WHAT GRADE ARE YOU IN NOW, BUD?"

"NO GRADE, AUNT OLIVE,
I'M IN HIGH SCHOOL."

"SPLENDID. A GROWING
BOY SHOULD EAT.

AND BY THE WAY, WHAT
GRADE ARE YOU IN NOW?"

"NO GRADE. I'M IN..."

"SPLENDID!

DID YOU TRY SOME OF MY
BREAD AND BUTTER PICKLES?"

"OH, NO, THANKS. I
HAVE TO WATCH MY DIET.

"I CAN ONLY EAT DILL PICKLES.

OH, YOU KNOW ME AND MY STOMACH."

"OH, DON'T I KNOW! DON'T I KNOW!

MY DOCTOR GAVE MY LIVER
ONLY ANOTHER SIX MONTHS."

"OH! AND THOSE DOCTOR BILLS!

OTIS, HOW MUCH
WAS THE LAST BILL?"

HUH? BILL?

OH! "FRED, YOU
WON'T BELIEVE THIS,

"BUT THE LAST
BILL WAS ONLY $94...

"FOR A COMPLETE OVERHAUL!

NEW RINGS, PISTONS, AND..."

"OH, THAT OTIS. ALL HE EVER
THINKS OF IS CARS, CARS, CARS.

GREG, WON'T YOU HAVE
ANOTHER PIECE OF RHUBARB PIE?"

"NO, I EAT TOO MUCH.
EVERY YEAR I EAT TOO MUCH.

"OHH, I GOTTA LAY DOWN.

"OTIS, YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT WIFE OF YOURS.

"SHE FIXES RHUBARB PIE TOO GOOD.

"OHH.

"ALICE, GET PAPA A
CUSHION OUT OF THE CAR.

"OH, I FEEL AWFUL.

"NORTON, GET PAPA A
MATCH FOR HIS CIGAR.

OHHHH!"

HI, MOM.

QUITE A... BUNCH
OF ACTORS WE HAVE.

YES, AREN'T THEY?

I'M SURPRISED THAT MILTON
BERLE HASN'T SIGNED THEM ALL UP.

YEAH.

OH, AND YOU, TOO... OTIS.

IS THE, UM, PLAY OVER NOW?

WELL, FINE.

BECAUSE I WOULD
LIKE TO SAY THAT I THINK

THAT YOU ARE A BUNCH
OF SMART, SELFISH SNOBS.

AND IT'S NICE TO FIND OUT EXACTLY
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT MY RELATIVES.

OH, HONEY, THE KIDS WERE JUST...

THE KIDS WERE JUST
REVEALING THE TRUTH...

THE TRUTH ABOUT THEMSELVES.

IT'S NOT A VERY
ATTRACTIVE REVELATION.

ALL RIGHT. SO, PERHAPS SOME OF IT
HAS GOT SORT OF A ROUTINE BY NOW.

I KNOW WE ALWAYS
PICK UP COUSIN IONE.

I KNOW I ALWAYS BAKE
TWO POTS OF BEANS.

BUT MAYBE SOMEBODY LIKES BEANS.

AND WHAT DO YOU WANT IONE TO DO?

WALK ALL THE WAY TO
LEMON FALLS BAREFOOTED?

EVERY YEAR WE GO THROUGH THIS.

MARTYRS BEING DRAGGED
TO THE GUILLOTINE.

NO WONDER YOU HATE IT SO,

GOING INTO IT WITH
SUCH AN ATTITUDE.

DID YOU EVER THINK OF
INVESTING A LITTLE OF YOURSELF?

GIVING A LITTLE INSTEAD OF
EXPECTING TO TAKE EVERYTHING?

HONEY, ALL WE... IT'S
A DIFFERENT STORY

WHEN YOU WANT ME TO
DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.

YOU... "MOM... WILL YOU GET
ME A DRINK OF WATER, MOM?

WILL YOU WAIT ON ME, MOM?"

"HERE, MOTHER, MY DRESS...
WILL YOU PRESS IT FOR ME?"

AND YOU... WHAT DID I DO?

JUST WAIT TILL YOU
COME AROUND HERE

TRYING TO SELL ME SOME DONUTS.

YOU JUST FIGURE SOME OTHER WAY

TO GET YOURSELF TO CAMP...
OKIBOGUJI OR... WHATEVER IT IS.

AW, NOW, LOOK, HONEY...

OH, GOT TO GET
THOSE SCREENS FIXED.

THREE YEARS, NOTHING HAPPENS.

(telephone rings)
Kathy: I'LL GET IT.

ALL RIGHT. SO,
MAYBE MY RELATIVES

AREN'T THE MOST BRILLIANT,

THE MOST FASCINATING
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD,

BUT AT LEAST THEY'RE
NOT A GROUP OF SMUG...

HONEY, NO ONE SAID ANYTHING
AGAINST YOUR RELATIVES.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH YOUR RELATIVES.

THAT AN ATOM BOMB WOULDN'T CURE?

LET ME TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING.

I'M SICK OF YOUR ATTITUDE.

AND NO ONE'S GOING TO
LEMON FALLS TOMORROW.

IT'S ALL OFF.

NOW, WAIT. WE DON'T
WANT YOU TO FEEL THIS WAY.

WE'LL ALL GO. WE WANT TO GO.

OH, NO. BUT, MOM...

I'LL JUST WRITE ESTHER A LETTER.

"THANKS, BUT WE CAN'T
MAKE THE REUNION

BECAUSE MY FAMILY HATES IT."

Kathy: MOMMY?

THAT WAS COUSIN
IONE ON THE PHONE. OH.

SHE'S IN TOWN SHOPPING.

SHE'LL STOP BY
HERE IN THE MORNING

SO WE WON'T HAVE TO
DRIVE OUT AND PICK HER UP.

AND SHE ASKED HOW
THE BEANS WERE COMING.

MOTHER, WHAT ABOUT
ALL THESE BEANS...

ALL THESE UNCOOKED BEANS?

WELL, NOW, LET'S SEE. WHAT WOULD
BE A GOOD THING TO DO WITH THEM?

WELL, WE MIGHT MAKE A NICE
BUNCH OF LITTLE BEANBAGS.

(laughs)

WELL, HOW'S MOTHER'S
LITTLE HELPER COMING ALONG?

MARGARET. YES?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DO YOU WANT ME TO
ROUND UP SOME FLIES

SO YOU CAN GIVE
THEM A SCREEN TEST?

OH, THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.

THERE ARE A FEW THINGS
WE'D BETTER TALK ABOUT.

FIRST OF ALL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA
TELL COUSIN IONE WHEN SHE ARRIVES?

WELL, THE FIRST THING
TO SAY IS..."HELLO."

AND THEN I THINK WE SHOULD
HAND HER A BUS SCHEDULE

FOR LEMON FALLS.

BEING ON MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY,

SHE'S NOT TOO SMART, OF COURSE,

BUT I THINK SHE'LL
CATCH ON TO THAT.

MARGARET...

HEY, DAD!

WATCH!

(crash)

MY, YOU ARE DEVELOPING
A NICE SET OF MUSCLES.

YOU'D BETTER GET UP.

YOU'RE GETTING YOUR
MAGNIFICENT TEMPLE ALL DIRTY.

THAT DARN CHEAP ROPE.

WHERE'S YOUR PARTNER CLAUDE...

THE OTHER MUSCLE-HEAD?

HE COULDN'T MAKE IT.

HE HAD TO GO OVER
TO MENLO AVENUE

TO WATCH THEM LAY
IN A NEW SEWER PIPE.

BUT THAT'S ALL THE MORE
REASON I GOTTA STAY HERE

AND BUILD THE GYMNASIUM.

'CAUSE NOW I GOTTA
DO CLAUDE'S WORK, TOO.

OH, NATURALLY.

IN FACT, I THINK WITH
ANYTHING AS IMPORTANT AS THIS,

YOU SHOULD STAY HOME FROM
SCHOOL SEVERAL DAYS TO FINISH IT.

MOTHER, WHAT ABOUT THIS? WHAT
DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS GREASE?

YES, I THINK YOU'RE CORRECT.

THAT'S GREASE, ALL RIGHT.

MAYBE YOU COULD LET
RALPH WEAR IT TODAY.

IT'LL LUBRICATE HIS ELBOWS

SO THAT HE CAN PUSH
THE SHOT PUT BETTER,

KEEP HIM FROM SQUEAKING.

BETTY. BETTY.

GEE, I'VE NEVER SEEN
MOTHER ACT LIKE THIS.

NEITHER HAVE I, AND IT'S
NO GOOD. NO GOOD AT ALL.

NOW, LOOK, LET'S FACE IT...

WE'RE GOING TO
LENNON FALLS TODAY.

BUT YOU SAID WE'D GO LAST NIGHT,

AND SHE TURNED US DOWN.

THE REASON SHE TURNED US
DOWN WAS BECAUSE WE SAID...

WELL, THAT IS, I SAID IT WRONG.

IN EFFECT, I SAID, "OKAY, IF YOU'RE
GONNA KICK UP A FUSS, WE'LL GO,

EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T
VERY MUCH WANT TO."

NATURALLY SHE TURNED US DOWN.

YES, BUT I DON'T SEE WHY...

WHAT WE HAVE TO
DO IS CONVINCE HER

THAT WE REALLY WANT TO GO.

THAT'S PRETTY
DECEITFUL, ISN'T IT?

NO, IT ISN'T. I WANT TO GO...

TO MAKE YOUR MOTHER HAPPY.

DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE
YOUR MOTHER HAPPY?

CERTAINLY YOU DO.

THESE REUNIONS
MEAN A LOT TO HER.

THESE ARE HER PEOPLE.

SHE LIKES TO HAVE
HER FAMILY WITH HER.

SHE'S PROUD OF HER FAMILY.

THAT IS, SHE WAS
UP UNTIL YESTERDAY.

NOW, LOOK, WHAT WE HAVE TO DO...

(Margaret humming) SHH!

OH, I WISH SHE'D
STOP THAT SINGING.

MAKES YOU FEEL AS IF A COLD
WIND IS BLOWING UP YOUR BACK.

UH, BETTY, YOU CAN PASS AT
THAT TRACK MEET, CAN'T YOU?

WELL... SURE. I KNOW I
DON'T LIKE THINGS THIS WAY.

BUD?

OH, I BELIEVE I'LL BE ABLE
TO PULL MYSELF AWAY.

GOOD. YOU GUYS GO
UP AND GET READY.

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO
AS CHIEF NEGOTIATOR.

FIND KATHY AND GET HER READY.

SHE'S OUT SELLING DONUTS.

WELL, FIND HER!

OH, NOT YOU, BUD.

YOU'VE GOT A GOOD 1
1/2-SCRUB JOB AHEAD OF YOU.

IT MAY TAKE A
LITTLE SANDBLASTING.

YES, I'D LOVE TO GO
SHOPPING TODAY, MYRTLE.

ALL DAY, IN FACT.

NO. NO, IT'S NOT
INTERFERING WITH ANYTHING.

OH, I'D PLANNED TO COOK A
MILLION BEANS AND TAKE A TRIP.

THAT'S ALL CHANGED NOW.

NO. NO, I'LL TAKE OUR CAR.

JIM WON'T NEED IT TODAY.

HE'S BUSY OUTWITTING FLIES.

I SAID HE WAS BUSY OUT...

OH, NEVER MIND. I'LL GET
READY RIGHT AWAY, MYRTLE. BYE.

MUST BE UPSTAIRS.

(doorbell rings)

COUSIN IONE.

GOT TO BE.

HELLO! OH! COUSIN IONE.

COME IN, COME IN.

ALL SET FOR THE BIG TRIP, I SEE.

OH, SURE. I'M LOADED WITH
THE STANDARD EQUIPMENT...

THREE LOAVES OF BANANA BREAD...

AND TWO JARS OF
WATERMELON PICKLES.

(laughs) FOR AN IN-LAW,

YOU'RE DISGUSTINGLY PERCEPTIVE.

SOME YEAR I'M GOING
TO FOOL YOU AND ESTHER.

I'M GOING TO BRING TWO
LOAVES OF BANANA BREAD

AND THREE JARS OF...
MY STARS! IS THAT BUD?

MY GOODNESS, HOW YOU'VE GROWN.

YOU'RE SHOOTING
UP LIKE A WEED. YEAH.

WHAT GRADE ARE YOU IN NOW?

NO GRADE. I'M IN HIGH SCHOOL.

SPLENDID. WHERE THE GIRLS?

I BET I KNOW WHERE MARGARET
IS... OUT IN THE KITCHEN.

(sniffs) MMM! I CAN ALMOST SMELL
THOSE WONDERFUL BAKED BEANS.

YOU KNOW, MY BANANA BREAD
WASN'T UP TO SNUFF THIS YEAR.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

BUT I HAVE YOUR FAVORITE...
WATERMELON PICKLES.

WELL, GOOD, GOOD.

I THINK I'LL JUST RUN OUT
AND SURPRISE MARGARET.

IONE, SHE'S NOT OUT THERE.

SHE'S UPSTAIRS. WE'RE RUNNING
A LITTLE BEHIND SCHEDULE.

IN FACT, BUD AND I
WERE RUSHING UPSTAIRS

TO, UH, SCRAPE OFF
A FEW LAYERS OF DIRT.

OH, WELL, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU LOOK LIKE SOMETHING

YOU FATHER JUST
FIDDLED UP IN THE GARDEN.

(laughs) WELL, HURRY UP.

WE OUGHT TO BE ON THE ROAD SOON.

IT'S A WONDERFUL DAY FOR A TRIP.

OKAY, IONE. JUST MAKE
YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

WE'LL HURRY. COME
ON, SON. ALL RIGHT.

WHAT IF MOM STILL WON'T GO?

DON'T WORRY. SHE
WILL. SHE WANTS TO GO.

AND AS SOON AS SHE
KNOWS IONE IS HERE,

SHE'LL GET RIGHT BACK
IN THE SPIRIT OF THINGS.

I WISH YOU KIDS WOULD STOP
HANGING YOUR THINGS UP ON THE FLOOR.

IT'S NOT MINE. IT'S KATHY'S.

GOOD LUCK, OLD MAN.

HOW.

UG. ME CHIEF ROCKS IN THE HEAD.

COME ON MISSION OF PEACE.

DON'T THINK YOU CAN
SMOOTH THINGS OVER

JUST BY BEING FUNNY.

NO.

OF COURSE, IT IS KIND
OF A FUNNY SITUATION

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT...

TWO GROWN PEOPLE
MAKING ALL THIS FUSS

OVER A THING AS
RIDICULOUS AS RELATIVES.

AS RIDICULOUS AS
RELATIVES? NOW IT COMES OUT.

HONEY, I DIDN'T MEAN
RELATIVES ARE RIDICULOUS.

I MEAN IT'S SILLY TO QUARREL

OVER SUCH A LITTLE
INSIGNIFICANT...

INSIGNIFICANT? SILLY? SO, NOW...

STOP PICKING ON WORDS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

OH, I KNOW VERY
WELL WHAT YOU MEAN.

IT'S WRITTEN ALL OVER YOU.

LOOK, YOU'VE GOT THIS ALL WRONG.

I WOULDN'T CARE IF YOUR
RELATIVES WERE A BUNCH OF THIEVES.

WHICH THEY'RE NOT. I
LIKE THEM. THE POINT IS...

THEN WHY DON'T YOU
GO TO LEMON FALLS?

YOU'LL SEE HUNDREDS
OF THEM THERE...

CRAWLING ALL OVER LIKE
TRUCKLOADS OF FLIES.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING,
AND SO ARE YOU.

WILD HORSES COULDN'T
DRIVE ME THERE NOW.

BESIDES, I'M GOING
SHOPPING WITH MYRTLE DAVIS.

GOING SHOP... MARGARET, DO YOU
MEAN TO STAND THERE AND TELL ME...

I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU. AND
I DON'T MEAN TO STAND HERE.

I'M GOING.

MARGARET!

MARGARET.

IONE!

WHY, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE HERE.

WELL, DON'T LOOK SO
SURPRISED, MY DEAR.

BUT THEN IT ISN'T ANY
WONDER WE ACT SURPRISED.

WE SEE EACH OTHER SO SELDOM.

ABOUT THE ONLY TIME WE
GET TOGETHER ANYMORE

IS FOR WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS...

AND NOT MANY OF THE WEDDINGS.

I SWEAR IF IT WEREN'T
FOR ESTHER'S REUNIONS

WE WOULDN'T EVEN
RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER.

(chuckles) YOU'RE RIGHT, IONE.

AND IT WOULD CERTAINLY
BE AN UNGRATEFUL WRETCH

WHO WOULD REFUSE
TO GO TO ESTHER'S.

WOULDN'T IT, COUSIN IONE?

THAT'S INTERESTING
COMING FROM YOU, JIM.

I SOMETIMES WONDER
IF YOU DON'T GET BORED

LISTENING TO
MARGARET'S RELATIVES

REHASH THE SAME MATERIAL
ABOUT THE SAME PEOPLE EVERY YEAR.

BUT I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S THE ONE TIME WE HAVE.

THE MAIN ROUTE.

MARGARET, HOW DID
YOUR BEANS TURN OUT?

WELL, I, UH... GO ON, TELL HER.

WELL, IT'S, UH... IT'S A
LONG, FUNNY STORY.

IT'S VERY FUNNY.
IT DEALS WITH, UH...

WELL, WE'RE BUILDING
A GYMNASIUM FOR FLIES,

SO THAT THEY CAN
PUT THE SHOT AND, UH...

DRIVE TRUCKS OUT TO SEE
THEIR RIDICULOUS RELATIVES.

OH, WELL, I CAN'T TELL A
FUNNY STORY THE WAY JIM CAN.

SO IF YOU'LL EXCUSE
ME FOR A MOMENT,

I'LL LET JIM TELL YOU
THE WHOLE THING.

WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?

IS ANYTHING WRONG?

UH, NO, NO, COUSIN IONE.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME
FOR JUST A MOMENT?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

MARGARET.

MARGARET, WAIT. I
WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS
LISTEN FOR HALF A MINUTE.

WE'RE GETTING A LITTLE OLD
TO BE PLAYING HIDE-AND-SEEK.

YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE A GUY A CHANCE
TO SAY HE'S SORRY OR ANYTHING.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO...
WRITE FOR AN APPOINTMENT?

NOW, LOOK, THE...

THE KIDS HAVE ALL GONE
UPSTAIRS TO GET DRESSED.

IONE'S SITTING IN
THE LIVING ROOM,

READY TO GO, LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT.

ARE YOU GONNA LET EVERYONE DOWN?

YOU'RE A FINE ONE TO TALK
ABOUT LETTING ANYONE DOWN.

WHAT ABOUT
YESTERDAY? NOW, WAIT...

WHO LET WHO DOWN WHEN
I BROUGHT UP LEMON FALLS

AND GOT THAT COLD,
FISH-EYED REACTION?

YOU ALL ACTED AS THOUGH I
WAS ASKING FOR VOLUNTEERS

TO SPEND THE NIGHT
IN A HAUNTED HOUSE.

I SUPPOSE YOU WERE BUILDING UP
MY MORALE WITH THAT LITTLE DRAMA.

"HAVE SOME MORE OF BESSIE'S
GERMAN POTATO SALAD."

"OH, NO. I'VE JUST NEW RINGS
AND PISTONS PUT IN MY LIVER."

FINE INDOOR SPORT...
MAKING FUN OF MY RELATIVES.

HONEY, DARN IT, NO ONE WAS
MAKING FUN OF YOUR RELATIVES.

NO? WHO WERE YOU TALKING
ABOUT... THE BROOKLYN DODGERS?

I'M SAYING...

OH, HONEY, WHAT'S
HAPPENED TO US?

WE USED TO BE ABLE TO TALK
THINGS OUT AND WORK THEM OUT.

WHAT'S HAPPENED?

YOU DIDN'T HELP MATTERS WITH
THE WAY YOU ACTED YESTERDAY.

NO, I DIDN'T. AND I REALIZE NOW

THAT I SET THE PATTERN
AND THE KIDS FOLLOWED.

IT WAS MY FAULT, NOT THEIRS.

I WAS REAL WRONG, AND I KNOW IT.

BUT NOW YOU'RE SETTING JUST
AS BAD A PATTERN FOR THE KIDS...

VINDICTIVE, POUTY.

LET ME GO. NOT YET.

IF WE CAN'T SOLVE OUR
OWN LITTLE PROBLEMS,

IF WE CAN'T ACT LIKE GROWN-UPS,

HOW DO WE EXPECT OUR KIDS TO?

OH!

(laughs)

WELL, AREN'T WE A
FINE-LOOKING PAIR?

HEH. OH, JIM, THESE HAVE
BEEN THE WORST TWO DAYS.

I... I'VE ALMOST HATED YOU.

TODAY I HATED MYSELF EVEN MORE.

I... I FEEL AWFUL.

WELL, HONEY, LET'S CUT
THAT STUFF OUT RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A KNOWN FACT THAT
A LITTLE STONE CAN DERAIL A TRAIN.

US OLD MARRIED CHARACTERS
HAVE TO KEEP A CONSTANT WATCH

FOR LITTLE STONES ON THE TRACK.

WHICH REMINDS ME.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU I
LOVE YOU THESE LAST FEW WEEKS?

NOT VERY DARNED MANY.

OKAY, HERE'S WHERE I CATCH UP.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

(gasps) BEANS.

THAT'S A FINE THING TO SAY.

MY BAKED BEANS. I
NEVER BAKED THEM.

I HAVE NONE TO
TAKE TO LEMON FALLS.

HONEY, I KNOW A GOOD DELICATESSEN
WHERE THEY BAKE FINE BEANS.

BUT THIS IS NOT THE TIME
TO TALK ABOUT BEANS.

(chuckles) WAIT A MINUTE.

LET'S GET RID OF
THIS SILLY THING.

OKAY, LET'S GO! LET'S GET GOING!

THINK YOU HAVE ROOM
FOR MY PORTABLE?

I THOUGHT MAYBE THEY'D LIKE
TO HEAR SOME OF MY RECORDS.

SURE, CHUCK IT IN.
HERE, I'LL TAKE IT.

WHERE'S IONE? SHE'S COMING.

COME ON, COUSIN
IONE. DAD'S WAITING.

RIGHT WITH YOU, KATHY.

WAIT. ARE THESE SUPPOSED TO GO?

WAIT.

OH, KATHY, DO YOU HAVE
TO TAKE ALL THOSE DOLLS?

YEP, THEY ALL WANT
TO COME THIS YEAR.

MARGARET, HOW ABOUT THE BEANS?

THEY'RE RIGHT THERE... TWO POTS.

OH? HOW ABOUT THE
UNCOOKED ONES IN THE KITCHEN?

UH, SHE'S GETTING THOSE
READY FOR NEXT YEAR.

ALWAYS START A YEAR
AHEAD. EVERYTHING IN?

WAIT A MINUTE, DAD!

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A
REAL GAME THIS YEAR.

I'LL SHOW COUSIN NORTON HOW
THE GAME IS SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYED.

GOOD.

BY GEORGE, IT LOOKS
LIKE A FINE DAY FOR A TRIP.

(theme music playing)